Procrastination and fear

I read an article about self inflicted anxiety over procrastination. You put something off. By avoiding it you have relief but each day you continue, the anxiety grows. The temporary relief makes it appear worth while but it’s not. Sometimes snowballing into worse issues.

He makes a valid point by saying you initially avoid something due to fear.

I thought about my own procrastination. Weight loss. I know how. Stop being lazy. Get moving. Eat better and less.

I don’t do it. Why? I take comfort in food. I also take comfort in blaming my weight for being unhappy, single and what have you.

Cleaning my house. Every time I organize my house. Pick things off the floor, clean the counter, organize something, I feel wonderful. Why do t I keep this up? Is it because I can’t invite people in if it’s a mess? I can’t have boys over, I will have time to go out rather than the excuses I use now to stay home?

Why? Why do I fear having a life? It’s a sick cycle. I need to beak it.


Diets and cleaning

I refused to clean my house for my overnight guests last weekend. I attempted to bring someone home despite the mess. What’s going on here?

This weekend I slugged most of the weekend away. Giddily excited that I spoke to my crush but not excited enough to share any real news. I canceled yoga but actually got a hair cut. Will wonders ever cease?

I pseudo cleaned. Throwing things away, vacuuming and swiffering the floor. I made a mess of my kitchen counter but hey, the living room almost looks livable.

The diet was off the charts. All I wanted was to eat eat eat while picturing sun dresses and sunshine. I bought plane tickets to go to New Jersey. Princeton to be exact, in 2 months. Technically 3 months I guess. If I could drop 20 lbs in that time – I mean, could you imagine? I’d feel like I would be on top of the world. Instead I eat and eat and eat.

I bought salad and some veggies. Here’s to hoping I eat them. The more I eat the Nutrisystem dinners the more I dislike them. I’m thinking of quoting the auto purchase. Maybe still order breakfast and lunch. But the dinner options are just gross.

I’m hoping I can clean and keep the house clean. I’m hoping I might get that fun membership and really start working. I’m hoping I’ll find a cute guy and things will happen. I gotta stop relying on hope. It’s gotten my no where in the last decade.

March 2nd

I told myself on March 1st that it was a new month. A good time to focus on the diet. Then the option of getting bbq ribs for dinner happened and suddenly nothing else mattered.

Today I thought, it’s Friday! My manager left this morning and the Water guy was leaving by 3 pm. No dinners out and I could skip eating lunch with them. Well, the water guys flight was canceled. So we got steak for dinner.

Somehow my calories in weren’t super extreme. Mostly because I had only eaten 500 calories by dinner time. Leaving room for 1500 cal dinners.

My new month of frozen foods came along with some snacks and shakes I bought.

My weight is back up to 245, only 3 lbs down essentially in 3 weeks. Granted it’s been a busy 3 weeks with most days eating out.

Tomorrow I’ve already scheduled yoga. I’ve got a plan to clean the house and be ready for company. Though I have no company planned, I’d like to be ready for anything.

Taking a chance and a taco

I’ve been single for years. Read that, years.

I’ve been depressed, full of anxiety and excuses. Lately though, my depression seems to have holes through it, like a moth-hole ridden sweater. The sun shines through and my confidence has risen. I walk around imagining guys staring at my ass or stealing peaks at my breasts. I look in the mirror and the vision of my younger, skinner self is met with the obese, while curvy, chunky, awkward body that is reality.

I’ve attracted guys lately, maybe for longer but it’s hard to acknowledge sometimes. Do they see my curves, red lips, blonde hair and confidence as a turn on? I don’t know but something is there and it’s still working. Not as hard as it use to but it’s there. I don’t really get it. I imagine they see me as skinny but I look in the mirror and wonder, what are they seeing? Let’s be honest, while more “plus size” models are getting coverage, they still have a label. There’s still TV shows with waifs of women but a show with an obese woman is comedy relief or plays the role of sad, fat girl. There’s no overly confident obese girl who has it all in the dating world. It’s still labeled a comedy if it is out there.

That self doubt is courtesy of my married friends who hint that I’ve gained too much weight and my ex, basically everything about me couldn’t attract a guy, or him for that matter. I surround myself with lovely people. (That was sarcasm)

First there was electron telling me I was smart and beautiful. Granted all he ever asked was to sleep with me. He promised me a date but we never got that far. This year there was the Canadian sales person from my regional meeting. Hot, well dressed, tall, smothering me with compliments, seeking me out, buying me drinks, asking me to go out dancing with him… I found out later he was married with a small child soooo hmmm. Next we have the finance corporate guy from my company. While I was obviously swept up with the tall Canadian, he stayed later than anyone else, talking about life, our jobs then took me to get a taco. The taco shop was closed, as it was 2 am and we went to our respected homes/hotel. Granted with that he was asking me questions around my job and what I could do to benefit his job. Hmmm

Ok. Perhaps these guys aren’t great examples. Obviously I’m still single and none have actually led to a date or a boyfriend. Is it me though? Electron I told no, though I wanted to say yes badly, mostly because I was intimidated but also because of my job. With him I left it very open, I appreciated the offer but had to turn him down. The Canadian, I wanted to go dancing with him but I had pulled a muscle in my leg and was limping badly. I couldn’t dance. I was thankful Finance guy was there. And Finance guy, well, he lives in Milwaukee. I was only there for that night.

Now, long story short, this finance guy. He’s younger than me, typical good looking mid-western guy, nothing over the top amazing but he is cute; he deals with people above me. I report to them, they report to him, he reports up the chain to someone else. So he’s not my boss or supervisor at all. He just crunches numbers to report to stock holders or whomever. My job, one of a zillion across the US and Canada; well since he met me, any extra dollars I pull in, he has sent an email thanking me. This is not typical. As, the report doesn’t come from me. It comes from my boss, Finance guy just knows it’s my project because we’ve talked about it.

So this month, only the second month since we met, I decide to flirt back. I sent him an email saying I’m still waiting for a taco, (remember we went to grab a taco but the place was closed). It’s not even technically flirting is it? It’s just asking for a taco. I meant it as flirting, but text is all in the way you read it as to the actual inflection that someone intended with it. I wavered for a minute before sending. Could it be harassment, could it be inappropriate, should I not email corporate? Should I steer clear of inter-company… what? What does/could it mean that I’m waiting for a taco. Some sort of sexual innuendo?

Here I am. Putting my career over flirting, or even just initiating friendship or merely the discussion of lunch? I don’t know. Overthinking what rights I have or the lack there of in a man’s work force. Would I be so intimidated in any other career? I dunno. But I work with nothing but men. All of my superiors, anyone up the ladder that I deal with, all men. For that matter almost all people down the ladder from me are men too. In my region I am the only female in my position, in North America there may be 7-10 females in my role compared to 150+ men. I’m assuming these stats but I know in all of Canada there are 3 females in my role.

The only place I meet guys are through work. I’ve always kept this arms distance, flirt then flee. Don’t be caught being human. Live, sweat, cry, loose hair, gain weight and stress the fuck out for your job but lord forbid, find happiness. So, with a confident push of my buttonless phone I hit send on the two sentence email and waited.

I didn’t wait long. My supervisor told me, Mike is visiting the job next week with Gary. My jaw dropped, What?! I brought it up a few times. How? Why? That wasn’t his role. He didn’t visit projects. He crunches numbers at corporate. While I went through in my head the outfits I might wear while he visited and weather or not I should be vigilant about cleaning my house for a sleepover… do you think it would go there? Gosh I don’t know… I got an email back, “That’s Fair! We will have to address that at some point.” Not flirty, or harmful. Just tacos. In the most corporate, politically correct way ever.

We called Gary who said he had word from Mike that he couldn’t come up. Hmmph.

But, there it was. A simple harmless email about tacos. Each of us only wrote two sentences and I was giddy all day.

It’s nothing really. I eat meals with work people when they visit, often. I don’t generally hang out one on one after drinking at 2 am but, it seemed harmless.

I think the point is, I took a chance. A chance I overthought, I debated, I weighed, I finally said fuck it and did. It was two sentences and neither were shocking. But I did it. I got a pleasant, positive, though possibly a interminable response.

These are the things you celebrate when you believe you are incapable of being more than single. Even a date can seem like a fluke. Online dating is a constant let down when you aren’t as attractive as they may have believed you to be. There’s always a hotter picture someone else has out there to ponder over.

So, with another 4 days of failed diet, my friends in town and then a work trip and work people in town, I need to remember this feeling. Remember the urgency of cleaning my house. The motivation to drop some pounds, for health, clothing fitting and yes, for attractiveness.

This is where I’m at. A sun ray of light shining into my shaded room of self doubt, with a simple sentence about a taco.

Values in dating

I realize there are supposed to be things you look for in a partner.

Common interests, attractiveness, do they want children, etc. for some time I’ve been solely basing my judgement on attractiveness and if they like me, throwing out the rest.

This weekend opened my eyes to another layer, passion. Not passion for love, passion in a relationship or how passionate they are about me, but more so, passionate about life, their goals and work.

I’m very passionate about my job/career. I’ve struggled , cried, fought, and really gone through battle with my education and Career. I’ve lost a relationship over it, I’m sure I’ve taken years off my life, it’s been no easy feat. I’ve been degraded, I’ve been told to give up, that I would fail and it’s only made me want it more. It’s that sick relationship of time and effort and refusing to quit even if it’s not good for you.

My job has given me financial ease, it’s given me great praise and pride. It’s not all bad, and I refuse to have someone else come along and drag me down out of spite, jealousy, or lack of pride in their own career. That’s my issue. Finding a man in this small town area that not only likes his career but takes pride in it. Most people find a job that pays the bills and sticks with it. Mostly despising their choice but feeling that it pays too much to leave it. The few dates I’ve gone on, the men hated their career choice but felt stuck. My ex, put me down more than anyone else, telling me anyone could do my job, that I was worthless and might as well quit. He was obviously a horrible person, I know that, but I cannot have that happen to me again. I cannot be with someone that is upset about me being the breadwinner or making more or being successful or fighting for a career and succeeding at it. He was a teacher and instead of taking pride in a valuable yet underpaid career, he took it out on me and only saw the dollars I was making compared to him. In the end he also felt that since I made more I would pay for everything for him. No. I still want to be taken out to dinner. I refuse to not be given a Christmas or Birthday gift because I could just buy it myself. Yes yes I know- this guy was the worst of the worst- but after 5 years of thinking we were in love; I was the person saying, I’ve put this much time and effort in, maybe I can’t do better. I can’t let that happen again.

The guy from this weekend boasted about his job at a deli counter at a grocery store, and thats excellent that you take pride in that, but never bothered to ask what I do. In fact he cut me off to continue talking about his job to me.

I refuse to not be acknowledged by a possible suitor. My friends made fun of me that I was upset he never asked me about my career… maybe that’s normal, maybe that’s them being assholes, I don’t care this time.

My next boyfriend will acknowledge that I’ve worked hard to be successful. I want them to be proud of me just as I want to be of them. I want us to encourage each other to gain more success and truly understand each other when we have a bad day.

I need someone with the same motivation as me, the same passion and drive and empathy when shit goes bad.

That’s why I’m obsessed with electron. He’s attractive and lives to work rather than works to live. It’s not the best life. It’s not an easy life. And in the end, what do you have? A life spent slaving away for someone else. But some of us are just built that way.

I’ve found the value that was missing… now I just need to figure out how to find it.

No sleep thoughts

Over the weekend I thought about my crush. Last I heard from him he thought about coming back this week. He had planned to see me again before he left on Friday.

He couldn’t come back to the office on Friday, and as of Monday there were no plans to come back this week.

While this shouldn’t be any sign of something wrong, I tend to assume the worst. In a study I read, women’s brains typically over analyzed situations and took the blame upon themselves regardless of the situation. I am a statistic in this exact case.

On Monday there were things happening that were not part of my project but affected my subcontractor. The customer explained the situation with more details than I truly needed to know. I called the sub, my crush, and gave him the same details. He got pretty upset, rightfully so as he was being blamed for something pretty awful. He texted me afterwards but that was our last interaction. All my brain can think is that he would interpret our last phone call as negative. Again, I’m sure this is not the case but I have concern. I’ve been preventing myself from calling or texting to ask how he is. The mothering suffocating handholding that can kill a relationship, which we don’t have.

My other concern is that I’ve withheld information from my boss about this sub being back. I asked the customer to tell him. I’m waiting on the backlash. None of the conversations my boss and I had yesterday were good. I got emotional, and cranky, on all of them which seemed to annoy him. I was out of town at my other project. I don’t know if the customer even had the conversation with him either but again my emotions are guilt, shame, concern, and fear.

I know I’m putting my emotions with the subcontractor before my job. I really have built my career and I’m potentially damaging it because I have a crush. On the other hand, I really like this guy and he’s shown interest in me- real interest others have seen. I’ve been single for 3 years with crushes on people showing no interest. When do I get to have a personal life? Am I willing to have my career in jeopardy over it though? Or will I have a career but no family?

Granted this is just a crush. It’s nothing more at this point. I’m slightly scared for tomorrow. It’s now 2:30 am and I’m wide awake. I’ve got 3 hours at best to still sleep. Wish me luck.

The crush is back part 2

My last blog about a dream man was a Canadian co-worker from a conference. He was attractive, flirty, and yes he was sexy. But my original dream man/crush was a subcontractor we were looking to get pricing from. In the past year I’ve written about him multiple times.

If there was love at first site, I felt it with him, nicknamed the Electron. This instant crazy sexual awe, but not even lust… how to describe it… honestly a loss of words is pretty accurate.

I rounded the corner onto his office and took a step back. I almost would assume my jaw dropped if ever so slightly. There he was, he sounded cute on the phone but cute doesn’t describe it. Huge blue green eyes, perfect hair, long lean with a button down shirt with the first few buttons undone.

I swear he looked at me and took a double take but my friends tell me that’s in my brain. Apparently they don’t think a guy that’s hot would be into me. It’s because I’m overweight. I never said my friends were kind or supportive.

We sat across from each other at his desk, staring into each other’s eyes. Every so often we’d giggle and look to the ground. It was the feeling of your first crush/boyfriend in high school. That giddy, nothing else on the planet matters but us feeling. It’s exciting and more rare than your typical flirting. I know our convo strayed from topic several times. Where we’re from, where we live, our dogs, and I made a point to throw out that I was single. A month later we saw each other again, walking and talking on sites. I won’t recap the rest, it’s in several blogs but the latest is “The crush is back”.

He’s back, because he was in jail and rehab. Again, look back to older blogs.

I saw him the day of his sentencing. That afternoon he came to see me and I was overly giddy. This week we had a meeting. He flew in Wednesday night, we spent 4 hours together between meetings and site visits. Then I had to rush to another meeting.

Friday he came to the City building about an issue. He could have made a call to his customer but I like to think he came with the chance to see me in my temporary office in the same building. I saw him in the stairwell as I was coming in. I told him I was available for a call but he actually drove back to see me. We met for an hour before he had an appointment and then I was in meetings the rest of the day. He said he would’ve come back to meet again.

He bought a farm downstate. A small town of 300 people to live the “quiet life”. But he plans to buy an airplane. What?!?

When I asked, “you know how to fly a plane?” He replied, “I know how to do everything.” It was sexy and cocky and just enough douche bag/bad boy type of tease that made me want to rip off his clothes.

We met with the customer on Thursday. I noticed Electron kept looking at me, when I talked to him he was super focused and laughed extremely loud. He always laughed loud at my jokes and seemed intent on what I had to say. I just assumed it’s who he was. Somehow though, my shyness came out. I couldn’t look at him. I was nervous and awkward.

The customer, he’s a no nonsense ex car plant worker from Detroit. He says it like it is. But he came in the office and says, He’s got a thing for you. And I was like Naw, and he said, Is he single? I shrugged. And he said, I’m just saying, he likes you.

I guess it’s not just me who thinks so.

I brought up randomly that it’s a shame he lives downstate, “because I know you don’t have your text messages but I still have all of mine..” (to recap, he had sexted me multiple times, each time I declined but still expressed my interest. I finally told him to ask me out rather than booty call and he promised to prior to his disappearance) he cut me off to show me a picture of the plane. It was extremely pretty/sexy. Like, I don’t know what I expected. I’ve never thought of a plane as sexy, but somehow this was. I said, oh wow. He grinned and said, you like that? I swear to god we could have been in bed talking about parts of his anatomy the way the conversation played out. I’ve never had sexual tension like this before.

It’s magnetic, it’s like a force beyond us has us connected. I’m not talking spiritual, I’m talking like electronic or science, like our chemical makeup has the exact same number of protons and electrons and our atoms are pulling us to each other. That’s how it feels. I’ve Never felt this way with anyone. It’s not even love, it’s just attraction I guess.

It’s still so complicated. We’re still trying to do business with him. My boss still doesn’t know he’s even back. It’s all sorts of complicated. Never mind the fact he lives downstate. As in 8 hours away.

I can only hope I have an update on this. Sigh swoon sigh is all I can leave it at.

Dream man

I’ve been meaning to write since last week. I was in Milwaukee for a week long meeting and it was fun and intense and stressful and upsetting. Oh did I mention painful, I hurt my leg.

It was nice seeing colleagues I hadn’t seen in years. It was great meeting people I had only talked to on the phone. It was fun to be in a click with the Michigan team, even though I’ve belonged to the Wisconsin team for the past 5 years. It was really nice to meet the Canadian team and be flirted with by one of them…

He was tall, long hair swept back, lean and well dressed with a touch of shabbiness to it. You knew he anguished over his style but it was disheveled just enough to look as if he didn’t try- he just looked that good when he awoke. He is from Montreal with a heavy French accent, and he sought me out.

I had stood to make a comment on women empowerment. I received heavy applause and I want to say mostly from the Canadians. One by one they made their way throughout the week to tell me they appreciated what I had to say. But one in general told me several times. He called me woman power. Then he started calling me Beauty, then Darling.


He wanted to go dancing on the last night, he took my hands and pulled me from my chair. I couldn’t if I wanted to though. I had pulled a muscle and I was limping badly. I knew it was for the best but I couldn’t help being sad. I’d love to be wasted and make out with him. He was so sexy and charming and… sigh.

I got back home late Thursday night. I was ready to add him on LinkedIn, ask him to visit me. I just had that intuition though. That doubt and second guessing. I FB stalked him only to find he was married with a small child.

I was crushed and hurt and angry. During our meetings I had scanned the room to find him meeting my gaze. I noticed how, like most of us, sat with our teams, and his team sat across the ballroom from my group; but he always came to my side of the room during breaks, which I would exchange a smile or start a conversation while walking around. I had fantasized about this man during speakers. He had given me pet names, begged me to go out with him, taken my hands and pulled me to him. Had we gotten anywhere alone he could have enchanted my pants to come off without a second thought, all the while, unknown to me, his wife and child waited for him at home.

My friends all say, you didn’t have sex with him so what’s the big deal. They are married; I guess this behavior is normal to their relationship? Granted, he truly did nothing “wrong”, but I certainly wouldn’t appreciate that behavior from someone I was married to. And where the fuck was his ring?

Since then I found myself daydreaming about electron. I realize I’m living in a fantasy and really need to wake up.

He’s back

Yesterday was the day. He had his sentencing and then he was supposed to meet with me about the project in the afternoon.

I got so nervous I was shaking but luckily he was delayed and by the time he showed up I just acted like nothing. He made quite a few cocky remarks; for instance, “I was pissed off when I found out what happened” and his reply? “Yea I was too” with a shit eating grin on his face.

He made comments about bidding a job through jail bars and bidding on a house for $20,000 but he lost the bid. He did say however he got the bid for the job.

I told him there was no more fun. He promised that he would do a good job, he’s a hard worker and a good worker and I would see.

I gazed into his eyes for probably longer than I should have but he held my gaze as well. He looked a little rough around the edges but still handsome as can be.

Today I took the chance and asked him if he wanted to come with me walking through the campground. It was more date-y than not but it was still work related. He asked for a 30 minute warning and when I gave it to him he turned me down. Claiming he was too crabby.

He did say Sorry however.

Just being around him gets me fucking giddy. It makes me want to be a better person and I instantly feel pretty again.

I could be reading into it, I could be only hearing and seeing what I want to see. But I just can’t believe I’m making this all up either.

I want to marry him still. I’ve never been this stupidly attracted to anyone.

I know I can’t put all my eggs in a basket. Especially this one. But god damnit there is something just magnetic about him.

The crush is back

Photo: my cat snoozing on me.

So, last April I met a subcontractor. We asked him to bid a job and asked his opinion on different projects.

In May we walked sites, talking, laughing, enjoying each other’s company. After what was a huge misunderstanding, I believe he thought I was being ridiculously bold by flirting with him. And while, I was flirting, I just wasn’t being as wildly bold. It was actually just a misunderstanding.

I got a text the next morning- a sext I should say, which is when I was shocked by his boldness. It took me a long time to connect the dots.

I turned him down, only because of the job. The flirting continued. The sexual tension grew. But nothing happened.

Then he went to Milwaukee, and slowly our texts and calls faded into oblivion. His family started taking over for him and it was just said that he was busy.

Soon enough it was in the newspapers. He was arrested for cocain. The more it was discussed, the more it became a horrible story. It wasn’t random. It was explained that he had an addiction for some time.

He went to jail then rehab. His mother gave me more insight. She dropped hints of how he was doing now and again. But soon I felt wrong to ask and there was no more talk.

Suddenly last Tuesday I got an email from his email address. It’s a family business, they all could log into his account. I assumed it was his brother, and called him to leave a voicemail.

When I didn’t hear a response, I emailed back and copied everyone. He kept emailing but I asked him to call me back without a call.

He said to call him at a different number. Insisting I call rather than he. I knew it had to be him.

Finally today I waited until everyone left the office and called him. I had the biggest dumb grin and I was talking in circles. I don’t know what he thought. He will call me tomorrow. He’s still not back in town. His sentencing is Friday- though he thinks it will be ok. It’s still nerve wrecking.

I want to scream from the rooftops that I’ve talked to him. I want to tell my friends but tell them what? It’s nothing. I talked to a criminal that could do prison time and here I am ready to do cartwheels.

I’m not even sure that my boss will let him be back on the project. I’m making a point of it to meet him when my boss won’t around.

I just need to talk about it. He’s the first guy who made me feel smart and beautiful. My ex had beaten down my sense of self. He made me feel ugly, stupid and worthless. It’s so much more than a cute boy who texted me inappropriate things as business associates.

But is it more? Stayed tuned for part 2.