The flip flop

Last Sunday I came to the decision that, essentially, I had to work to be happy. Happiness isn’t something that just happens- – like the sun shines. It’s something that you have to work for – you have to make the decision to have a good day. As they say it takes more muscles to smile than it does to frown.

For me – I had all these things that I was procrastinating on. It was easier to be unhappy living in a filthy house, than it was to clean it. Though the few times I could have invited a guy back to my place it was too disgusting to do so. Granted – I don’t need a booty call in my life either.

Having a dirty house upset me, but I couldn’t break out of the cycle and force myself to clean it. Just like I cant force myself to go to the gym or eat healthy and log my calories.

Last week I went to the gym and met with my trainer. I vowed to hit the gym twice more that week and well I didn’t but! I did however ask my Customer on Tuesday for his brother’s phone number. His brother had asked me casually out for a beer while we were talking about work and I was too self involved to realize what was happening.

I made my first move to flat out ask a guy out. This is how dating happens – well it could have happened sooner had I been happy enough with myself to realize when a guy asks a girl out.

I also cleaned my house all week in hopes for a possible visitor after I had texted him and asked him out for a beer. We made plans for Friday and I was jumping for joy all week – or at least two days. I went out with a co-worker on Wednesday and Thursday, just before I had plans with a friend to go to an art exhibit, I got a text. He had to cancel our date.

I realize that I had planned out my life with this guy – dates, vacations, marriage and children. I fantasized about him at night and when I woke up. I literally became insane with the thought of getting a beer with him.

Do I actually know if he likes me? Did he really just want to stop standing in the cold and find a way to change the subject? I really don’t know.

I was slightly discouraged but we called it a rain check and I was hopeful for the following week (this week).

At the art exhibit I ran into a very close friend from 9 years ago! Well it had been 9 years since we spoke last. It ended badly and in the end he apologized and I really enjoyed talking to hm for 45 minutes.

Friday night I was a little bummed that I didn’t have my date to go on but I cleaned a bit and the day went by quickly. Saturday morning i rushed around to finish cleaning for a potluck dinner and pumpkin carving with friends. At first I thought there would only be 4 of us but by the end of the night there were 8 of us plus two children! What a fun amazing happy time. We laughed like banshees and ended the night at midnight. The next morning I cleaned, raked the yard – finally taking care of compost heap in my driveway since July and was just proud of myself.

Here I was taking my life back. I didn’t hate cleaning or raking. I was feeling so proud and accomplished that I was happy. It didn’t feel like work. To be honest it felt better than sitting on my IPad playing stupid childish games.

Thursday before the art exhibit I even mowed the backyard and picked up dog poop that was long over due! I mean all the things I got done! I started making my bed and each morning fixed it so that it was made again! I completed one full week of walking my dog each morning around the block before showering. I believe it will get harder to continue once the snow flies but I haven’t broken a morning yet.

Saturday night at the party we discussed New Years and I imagined having a date. We talked about the bog walk this coming weekend and I thought – what if that was our first date – we talked about going out for drinks in our costumes on Saturday and I thought about him joining. I can’t really say what else I thought about but it was all grand and I realized in the moment how happy I was to have a plus one.

Today I realized – I don’t have a plus one. I don’t even have a true date planned. We have a rain check. The customer – his brother – made a joke of me being happy – he said You got Laid! I said no! But he was like AHHHH you did!

It’s a very high school work relationship we have. Basically we tease each other like high school kids who haven’t matured past 15.

Then I thought – I haven’t gotten laid, I haven’t even gotten a date or a beer. Here I am just happy to think about someone potentially being my date and its enough for people to think I got laid? Then I thought – what if he thinks its with his brother and its not. What if he tells his brother and he doesn’t even want to ask me out cuz he thinks I’m fucking someone else. What if????

Well… I never admitted to having sex with anyone – that was him. But gosh. Here I am planning my life again with no one. I don’t even know if he’s really interested – I really have no idea. Do I let him text me? Do I text him? CHILL OUT !

Maybe I should really just look at Tinder and attempt conversations with people again. I had one going but he worked over nights in a town 40 minutes away -kinda difficult to make a date.

Another guy was cool to talk to for a minute then he wanted my phone number immediately. It was just a little too forward? Like what about – do you have a job, are you a serial killer?

I’ve only told one friend about me asking him out for a beer. I also told her he canceled on me. Sigh. The cancel was legit – a family member was moving last weekend. I had overheard his brother tell someone else. Then I asked the brother what he was doing on the weekend. He confirmed.

So now I’m torn. Do I text him? Do I let him text me? Was I too sarcastic? I’m sure it will happen, right?

I even thought about how the guy who I know I shouldn’t be interested in, how it will show him because I’m dating someone else. Then I saw him this morning and he was cuter than ever – I don’t know what happened but his face was just so cute, Sigh.

My brain is flip flopping between being happy and being terrified I’m losing another make believe boyfriend.

Maybe I do need therapy. At least my house is clean, I made an effort to clean up and do dishes prior to going to bed. and my laundry is almost done. My bed was made when I got into it just now – and I wouldn’t be too embarrassed if someone came over inside my house. Now the porch – ekk – that’s something I should work on!

I have to be proud of myself for having a clean house. It’s been a long time. I still have the basement and 2nd floor before its officially clean but right now – It’s a huge step in the right direction of becoming a functional adult again. Soon I hope to make the gym a stable habit and lose this weight that’s been bringing me down.

I guess like I say – baby steps. But also, when your happy, others can tell and are attracted to your happiness. I just need to keep up the happiness. Let’s try. And lets hope I still get a date this week. I’m going to try to keep sane and not dominate the situation.

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A light at the end of the tunnel?

It’s October. I’ve been waiting since May of last year. Just sitting here dreaming and waiting. Waiting for something magical to happen to me without trying. Just sitting here.

I lost 20 lbs at the beginning of the year. The confidence I gained was off the charts. I bought smaller clothes and was on top of the world. I was still Obese. I was still 80 lbs overweight but I felt like a million dollars.

Weird how that happens. How we tell ourselves we are disgusting but after the smallest change people notice, you notice and the world brightens just a touch.

Something happened between May and now. I gained 25 lbs back. My house is a red neck white trash pit of shit. The outside, the inside and even I’m disgusted with my lack of caring.

What did I do this summer? Laid on the couch and watched tv. Spent too much time on this IPad. Ordered everything from Amazon and went into credit card debt. Ate out at every opportunity and made excuses left and right to never go to the beach, never go hiking, never go camping, just nothing.

Why? Well because I was dreaming and waiting. Waiting for life to become perfect and wonderful and each day it didn’t , each day I realized it happened for someone else and not me – well, I just put myself deeper in the tunnel.

Somehow, the past two years I gained my confidence back intermittently. I became happy and comfortable. I got over the grief of loosing my best friend and adopted pet child. I got over the metal abuse of my ex, I got over so much and then somehow went into a dream world where everything would happen for me. Each time I realized it wasn’t I fell back into the pit. I went home from work to cry. I was deeply depressed and everything was too overwhelming to attempt.

I kept up with work, I made things work. I took out my outrage at my contractors. This week I had another eye opener though.

One of my dream boys was arrested. Again. This time he got out after paying a fine and I was texting him that night. Part of me realized – you cant wait for him, you cant fix him, he can’t be your project. I have to be my own project. The same day I went to talk to a laborer, his employee. As I went into verbal mouth diarrhea – swearing every other word about nothing to do with him – he stoped me and asked me if I wanted to get a beer.

I was completely flabbergasted! I was battling a head cold, I was physically exhausted and my head was foggy. Processing the information was difficult. Say YES! He’s being sarcastic, say something mean! You’re in the wrong, apologize!

I don’t know how long I paused, I don’t remember how I said what I said or.. well much at all. I remember saying – I get it – I can bitch for hours, I’ll stop.

He said, I don’t care, I’m getting paid standing here. I said, No no, I’ll leave. And then walked away.

I felt stupid going off and realized I need to control my emotions. Then his words dawned on me – wait a sec. He was being legit, he wanted to get a beer.

WHAT THE FUCK IS WRONG WITH ME?

Like how dense am I to not realize that was a legit ask out? I’m so wrapped up in my brain that I can’t even figure out he was being nice. I guess I’m used to people being mean, or my self confidence isn’t that high yet.

I think even my dream boy attempted to talk about a beer with me and I instantly shut him down. Sigh. I’m my own worst enemy.

Today is Saturday. I woke up at 8:30 – fairly decent and started cleaning. I’ve organized a few things in my bedroom. I through all my dirty clothes next to the washer. I’ve changed my sheets for the first time in… longer than I care to say. Made my bed and made lists of what I need to accomplish today. It’s already 11 am but hey – I can do this. I realize I put myself in a horrible mood knowing all the things that I need to do that I get overwhelmed and do nothing. Today that will change. One room at a time. I won’t start another room until I finish the one on my list.

Tomorrow I can work on the outside of the house and then I can work on that asshole of a dog I own. He continues to go through my trash, ruin my couch and furniture. He’s pooped upstairs most days and peed a few times as well. The house wreaks of feces.

I also need to organize the basement and try to get all my trash for the dump. If I can clean this house this weekend – maybe I can work on walking my dog, going to the gym, doing anything other than coming home because I need to clean, not going on dates because I can’t even think straight.

I like to dream, I’m just hoping I can turn it into reality this weekend.

Men and metal insanity

My co-worker is becoming my confidant, my joking buddy, my go-to.

I’ve had dinner with him more than I can count, we started drinking together and telling each other everything. He’s been to my house more than once. Today I called him just to vent. The other day he had me proof read an email to the high up management team. We trust each other and confide in each other. We laugh nonstop. He’s married with a kid.

What’s wrong with this picture?

I haven’t touched him, nor him me – but I believe he was setting it up. He mentions his wife but doesn’t talk about her – I have no idea what their home life is, but I question how he spends an hour with me on the phone during the work day each time I talk to him. Talking about personal stuff, work, family, bitching about our days etc.

I like him – but as a confidant. Would I date him? I’m attracted to him but I doubt I would ever date him. Isn’t that odd? Perhaps because I know he’s married?

Then there is Mr. Hotrod. The boy (contractor – VP of his own company) I’ve been obsessed with for a year and 1/2. The boy I couldn’t stop dreaming about, who has thrown me in the tizzies I’ve been in lately. But god damn it – wherever I see him I just go mushy gah gah.

For quite a while I rarely saw him or talked to him. It was ok – I was busy, things were crazy – I focused my attention on someone else. But then I don’t know what happened, we were back sitting in my office, knees almost touching, hands very close, leaning forward gazing into each other’s eyes and bursting out with laughter because that’s just what we do. We’ve never kissed, never touched. It’s all sexual tension. I can’t get over him. I’ve attempted it but he knows I’m totally hooked.

Last week something happened – I just have no idea what but each time he saw me he would grin from ear to ear – just like pure joy. It put a huge smile on my face and this fuzzy feeling in my chest. He has gotten this total dad stomach going on and I find it adorable still. I asked him to meet me for lunch with the Engineer. He agreed easily but when I mentioned I was buying he was completely shocked. I even told him I was charging it to the company and he asked if he could get a sandwich and a soup. It was so adorable and polite. I cut my sandwich with a knife and asked if he wanted the rest – he did and I also thought that was adorable. I stared into his eyes. They change color just like mine, more hazel than blue. That day they were the olive green of his shirt. We gazed talking about anything and everything, leaving the engineer bored. I teased him in front of everyone and later he mentioned his cut finger and if I would kiss it to make it better. I didn’t but I wanted to.

On Monday he went out of his way to help my Brother, who he had never met before. I’m sure he would be that nice to most people – but I kinda hoped that it was because it was my family. Later he called me at 7 pm – the first time he had called me so late – just to give me an update and tell me about his day. You see -this is all still about work – he’s still my contractor but it was cute. He congratulated me on my presentation and I attempted to praise him on his job as well. It just made me happy.

Last I heard, from him, he was engaged with his baby mama – yea and she had the kid a month ago. Is he with her, is the kid even around? WHAT is happening!

Today he seemed annoyed with me and didn’t answer my last call. I went off on his employees because of a safety violation. I told him I needed an update from him with no response. Finally at 9 pm he starts texting me how he is sorry. He explains what happened and why things went south. He apologizes again and makes a point to tell me I’m right. I’m in gah gah land all over again because he apologized.

How awful is that? He’s engaged – supposedly – he just had a baby a month ago with some girl. He is my contractor, he sexted me when he met me, he was in jail and rehab this time last year. I mean -what part of red flag do I need to fly in order to make myself believe that this guy is not right for me?

But talking to him and joking and laughing and smiling and just starring into his eyes. My god – I swear to god I have never ever ever been this smitten with someone before.

I hate men and I think they all cause us Mental Illness.

Insanity

In the last month I’ve had several people drop their jaw as I explained, “I’m older than most people think; I’m 38.”

I’ve always been told I look younger than I am but now the reactions seem mind blowing.

While I appreciate I still have a youthful appearance and I’d only hope to have just as youthful personality and energy, but what is it that makes people disbelieve so much? Is 38 a step in the grave, should I look more like the crypt keeper? Why is it so shocking for me to be 38. Certainly 37 didn’t seem to be a reason to exclaim, “You’ve aged well!”

Wtf, I’m aged now? Am I a cheese or wine?

The other day I heard, “you look incredible for your age”!

Do people typically look horrible when they turn 38? I mean, the compliments are nice, but the shock is disheartening. It’s only making me feel older.

My crush thought I was 26. Many others said they’d agree.

Things are weird currently. I can tell it’s hanging over me. I’ve spent over a $1,000 shopping in the last week.

I lost 20 lbs- I hit 229, then I binged on food and booze and hit 240 a week later. The body is a cruel bitch. Regardless I’m wearing my size 16 jeans. They are tight as hell but I can zip them and that’s all that matters. I started my diet again and suddenly I started shopping. Blowing $80 on makeup. I have endless make up. $150 or more on 4 pairs of shoes. Because better to buy 3 pairs of rain boots and return one rather than buy one at a time. Also a pair of wedges for vacation.

I bought $400 + on work outfits online, well tops and jeans. Who knows if they will fit. Then I went to the store and spent $200 on a vacuum and bras. I just ordered $200 of clothes from Target. I bought some shirts and a mug from the college I attended. I purchased new music and a ringtone for my phone. I went to TJMaxx and found $25 shampoo and petsmart for a $50 cat tree. What’s wrong with me?

I had a dream I was in an insane asylum. I attempted to explain that I was sane but they stuck me full of drug filled syringes. I felt my brain begin to melt. I was out of the asylum with my coworkers, as Dreams always seem to leave out important segways, and the town I live in had been bombed. Buildings were on fire, rubble littered the street and the police were announcing to evacuate downtown. I wanted to see my dog, see if he was ok but I couldn’t. Next I know we’re back at the asylum. I had to go back to the asylum to self commit. I was handed a paper and told my boss, you take this. He said no. You deal with it. I attempted to quickly explain I couldn’t have anything f with me when I committed. He said I needed to figure it out. – well if that isn’t life, eh?

Do I feel like I’m loosing it. That my hometown is now a war zone because of this job. Things are too close and just too far away from home. I’m loosing mind

Yea. That might be spot on.

I don’t know what’s happening. I’m ready to date and I’m not. I erased all my dating profiles. I had a drink with another work person, then stalked him online. After seeing that a certain girl “lived” at his address I quickly internet searched her. Seems perhaps that they dated a few years back. But I honestly can’t tell if they are currently dating. My mind went to rage as I remembered my crush was downstate with his baby mama/ fiancĂ© and I realized why I had a dream I was committed.

I need to find my chill.

A success

I don’t know how to explain it. I’m stressed by work, I’m ignoring my personal life, again, and I’m excited and happy and sad and… sigh.

I got my period early. I didn’t have my typical roller coaster of emotions, I just got it, 3-5 days earlier than expected. So be it. But I expected to have a wall of tears and sadness. I didn’t.

I did get drunk on Friday and spent my Saturday hungover and pathetic. I did, however, purchase new flooring for the living room. The thought of home renovations got me excited. What can I say, I love Construction, like love it. I love doing things myself and boasting , however insignificant, or even however half-ass, hey I did it.

I did not go to the gym but I got a walk with my dog in, that counts. Tomorrow is my first personal training day. I’ve been averaging 1500 calories, randomly throwing in drinks or take out but over all I’ve been ricking this diet business. Today I hopped on the scale and it read 229- 229 lbs!!!! That’s 20lbs, 20lbs since February!!!

The excitement and joy was excellent!

I said all I wanted to lose 20lbs but honestly I want to see 220. After that I want to see 200.

Im already wearing tighter shirts with a touch more skin. Today I curled the ends of my hair. No one commented but I felt good. I bought more clothes and I’m thinking of ordering them in a smaller size. I’ve been wearing XxL but slowly moving to XL. And if I could get down to a L will be my dream.

So it was a slow start, but it’s happening. 20 lbs!!! I want to scream from the roof top!

Procrastination and fear

I read an article about self inflicted anxiety over procrastination. You put something off. By avoiding it you have relief but each day you continue, the anxiety grows. The temporary relief makes it appear worth while but it’s not. Sometimes snowballing into worse issues.

He makes a valid point by saying you initially avoid something due to fear.

I thought about my own procrastination. Weight loss. I know how. Stop being lazy. Get moving. Eat better and less.

I don’t do it. Why? I take comfort in food. I also take comfort in blaming my weight for being unhappy, single and what have you.

Cleaning my house. Every time I organize my house. Pick things off the floor, clean the counter, organize something, I feel wonderful. Why do t I keep this up? Is it because I can’t invite people in if it’s a mess? I can’t have boys over, I will have time to go out rather than the excuses I use now to stay home?

Why? Why do I fear having a life? It’s a sick cycle. I need to beak it.

Diets and cleaning

I refused to clean my house for my overnight guests last weekend. I attempted to bring someone home despite the mess. What’s going on here?

This weekend I slugged most of the weekend away. Giddily excited that I spoke to my crush but not excited enough to share any real news. I canceled yoga but actually got a hair cut. Will wonders ever cease?

I pseudo cleaned. Throwing things away, vacuuming and swiffering the floor. I made a mess of my kitchen counter but hey, the living room almost looks livable.

The diet was off the charts. All I wanted was to eat eat eat while picturing sun dresses and sunshine. I bought plane tickets to go to New Jersey. Princeton to be exact, in 2 months. Technically 3 months I guess. If I could drop 20 lbs in that time – I mean, could you imagine? I’d feel like I would be on top of the world. Instead I eat and eat and eat.

I bought salad and some veggies. Here’s to hoping I eat them. The more I eat the Nutrisystem dinners the more I dislike them. I’m thinking of quoting the auto purchase. Maybe still order breakfast and lunch. But the dinner options are just gross.

I’m hoping I can clean and keep the house clean. I’m hoping I might get that fun membership and really start working. I’m hoping I’ll find a cute guy and things will happen. I gotta stop relying on hope. It’s gotten my no where in the last decade.

March 2nd

I told myself on March 1st that it was a new month. A good time to focus on the diet. Then the option of getting bbq ribs for dinner happened and suddenly nothing else mattered.

Today I thought, it’s Friday! My manager left this morning and the Water guy was leaving by 3 pm. No dinners out and I could skip eating lunch with them. Well, the water guys flight was canceled. So we got steak for dinner.

Somehow my calories in weren’t super extreme. Mostly because I had only eaten 500 calories by dinner time. Leaving room for 1500 cal dinners.

My new month of frozen foods came along with some snacks and shakes I bought.

My weight is back up to 245, only 3 lbs down essentially in 3 weeks. Granted it’s been a busy 3 weeks with most days eating out.

Tomorrow I’ve already scheduled yoga. I’ve got a plan to clean the house and be ready for company. Though I have no company planned, I’d like to be ready for anything.

Taking a chance and a taco

I’ve been single for years. Read that, years.

I’ve been depressed, full of anxiety and excuses. Lately though, my depression seems to have holes through it, like a moth-hole ridden sweater. The sun shines through and my confidence has risen. I walk around imagining guys staring at my ass or stealing peaks at my breasts. I look in the mirror and the vision of my younger, skinner self is met with the obese, while curvy, chunky, awkward body that is reality.

I’ve attracted guys lately, maybe for longer but it’s hard to acknowledge sometimes. Do they see my curves, red lips, blonde hair and confidence as a turn on? I don’t know but something is there and it’s still working. Not as hard as it use to but it’s there. I don’t really get it. I imagine they see me as skinny but I look in the mirror and wonder, what are they seeing? Let’s be honest, while more “plus size” models are getting coverage, they still have a label. There’s still TV shows with waifs of women but a show with an obese woman is comedy relief or plays the role of sad, fat girl. There’s no overly confident obese girl who has it all in the dating world. It’s still labeled a comedy if it is out there.

That self doubt is courtesy of my married friends who hint that I’ve gained too much weight and my ex, basically everything about me couldn’t attract a guy, or him for that matter. I surround myself with lovely people. (That was sarcasm)

First there was electron telling me I was smart and beautiful. Granted all he ever asked was to sleep with me. He promised me a date but we never got that far. This year there was the Canadian sales person from my regional meeting. Hot, well dressed, tall, smothering me with compliments, seeking me out, buying me drinks, asking me to go out dancing with him… I found out later he was married with a small child soooo hmmm. Next we have the finance corporate guy from my company. While I was obviously swept up with the tall Canadian, he stayed later than anyone else, talking about life, our jobs then took me to get a taco. The taco shop was closed, as it was 2 am and we went to our respected homes/hotel. Granted with that he was asking me questions around my job and what I could do to benefit his job. Hmmm

Ok. Perhaps these guys aren’t great examples. Obviously I’m still single and none have actually led to a date or a boyfriend. Is it me though? Electron I told no, though I wanted to say yes badly, mostly because I was intimidated but also because of my job. With him I left it very open, I appreciated the offer but had to turn him down. The Canadian, I wanted to go dancing with him but I had pulled a muscle in my leg and was limping badly. I couldn’t dance. I was thankful Finance guy was there. And Finance guy, well, he lives in Milwaukee. I was only there for that night.

Now, long story short, this finance guy. He’s younger than me, typical good looking mid-western guy, nothing over the top amazing but he is cute; he deals with people above me. I report to them, they report to him, he reports up the chain to someone else. So he’s not my boss or supervisor at all. He just crunches numbers to report to stock holders or whomever. My job, one of a zillion across the US and Canada; well since he met me, any extra dollars I pull in, he has sent an email thanking me. This is not typical. As, the report doesn’t come from me. It comes from my boss, Finance guy just knows it’s my project because we’ve talked about it.

So this month, only the second month since we met, I decide to flirt back. I sent him an email saying I’m still waiting for a taco, (remember we went to grab a taco but the place was closed). It’s not even technically flirting is it? It’s just asking for a taco. I meant it as flirting, but text is all in the way you read it as to the actual inflection that someone intended with it. I wavered for a minute before sending. Could it be harassment, could it be inappropriate, should I not email corporate? Should I steer clear of inter-company… what? What does/could it mean that I’m waiting for a taco. Some sort of sexual innuendo?

Here I am. Putting my career over flirting, or even just initiating friendship or merely the discussion of lunch? I don’t know. Overthinking what rights I have or the lack there of in a man’s work force. Would I be so intimidated in any other career? I dunno. But I work with nothing but men. All of my superiors, anyone up the ladder that I deal with, all men. For that matter almost all people down the ladder from me are men too. In my region I am the only female in my position, in North America there may be 7-10 females in my role compared to 150+ men. I’m assuming these stats but I know in all of Canada there are 3 females in my role.

The only place I meet guys are through work. I’ve always kept this arms distance, flirt then flee. Don’t be caught being human. Live, sweat, cry, loose hair, gain weight and stress the fuck out for your job but lord forbid, find happiness. So, with a confident push of my buttonless phone I hit send on the two sentence email and waited.

I didn’t wait long. My supervisor told me, Mike is visiting the job next week with Gary. My jaw dropped, What?! I brought it up a few times. How? Why? That wasn’t his role. He didn’t visit projects. He crunches numbers at corporate. While I went through in my head the outfits I might wear while he visited and weather or not I should be vigilant about cleaning my house for a sleepover… do you think it would go there? Gosh I don’t know… I got an email back, “That’s Fair! We will have to address that at some point.” Not flirty, or harmful. Just tacos. In the most corporate, politically correct way ever.

We called Gary who said he had word from Mike that he couldn’t come up. Hmmph.

But, there it was. A simple harmless email about tacos. Each of us only wrote two sentences and I was giddy all day.

It’s nothing really. I eat meals with work people when they visit, often. I don’t generally hang out one on one after drinking at 2 am but, it seemed harmless.

I think the point is, I took a chance. A chance I overthought, I debated, I weighed, I finally said fuck it and did. It was two sentences and neither were shocking. But I did it. I got a pleasant, positive, though possibly a interminable response.

These are the things you celebrate when you believe you are incapable of being more than single. Even a date can seem like a fluke. Online dating is a constant let down when you aren’t as attractive as they may have believed you to be. There’s always a hotter picture someone else has out there to ponder over.

So, with another 4 days of failed diet, my friends in town and then a work trip and work people in town, I need to remember this feeling. Remember the urgency of cleaning my house. The motivation to drop some pounds, for health, clothing fitting and yes, for attractiveness.

This is where I’m at. A sun ray of light shining into my shaded room of self doubt, with a simple sentence about a taco.

Values in dating

I realize there are supposed to be things you look for in a partner.

Common interests, attractiveness, do they want children, etc. for some time I’ve been solely basing my judgement on attractiveness and if they like me, throwing out the rest.

This weekend opened my eyes to another layer, passion. Not passion for love, passion in a relationship or how passionate they are about me, but more so, passionate about life, their goals and work.

I’m very passionate about my job/career. I’ve struggled , cried, fought, and really gone through battle with my education and Career. I’ve lost a relationship over it, I’m sure I’ve taken years off my life, it’s been no easy feat. I’ve been degraded, I’ve been told to give up, that I would fail and it’s only made me want it more. It’s that sick relationship of time and effort and refusing to quit even if it’s not good for you.

My job has given me financial ease, it’s given me great praise and pride. It’s not all bad, and I refuse to have someone else come along and drag me down out of spite, jealousy, or lack of pride in their own career. That’s my issue. Finding a man in this small town area that not only likes his career but takes pride in it. Most people find a job that pays the bills and sticks with it. Mostly despising their choice but feeling that it pays too much to leave it. The few dates I’ve gone on, the men hated their career choice but felt stuck. My ex, put me down more than anyone else, telling me anyone could do my job, that I was worthless and might as well quit. He was obviously a horrible person, I know that, but I cannot have that happen to me again. I cannot be with someone that is upset about me being the breadwinner or making more or being successful or fighting for a career and succeeding at it. He was a teacher and instead of taking pride in a valuable yet underpaid career, he took it out on me and only saw the dollars I was making compared to him. In the end he also felt that since I made more I would pay for everything for him. No. I still want to be taken out to dinner. I refuse to not be given a Christmas or Birthday gift because I could just buy it myself. Yes yes I know- this guy was the worst of the worst- but after 5 years of thinking we were in love; I was the person saying, I’ve put this much time and effort in, maybe I can’t do better. I can’t let that happen again.

The guy from this weekend boasted about his job at a deli counter at a grocery store, and thats excellent that you take pride in that, but never bothered to ask what I do. In fact he cut me off to continue talking about his job to me.

I refuse to not be acknowledged by a possible suitor. My friends made fun of me that I was upset he never asked me about my career… maybe that’s normal, maybe that’s them being assholes, I don’t care this time.

My next boyfriend will acknowledge that I’ve worked hard to be successful. I want them to be proud of me just as I want to be of them. I want us to encourage each other to gain more success and truly understand each other when we have a bad day.

I need someone with the same motivation as me, the same passion and drive and empathy when shit goes bad.

That’s why I’m obsessed with electron. He’s attractive and lives to work rather than works to live. It’s not the best life. It’s not an easy life. And in the end, what do you have? A life spent slaving away for someone else. But some of us are just built that way.

I’ve found the value that was missing… now I just need to figure out how to find it.