A little effort

Today is the day we feast. I visit my family usually once a year. They live six hours away by car – and while that’s not entirely ridiculously far… when you travel for work for your job, sometimes you like to just sit still for a while.

They don’t celebrate many things – no Christmas or Halloween, no Thanksgiving or birthdays. So each year I use my Thanksgiving holiday of a 4 day weekend to come down and bring a turkey and ham and say – Oh boy, look at all this food! Guess we have to call the family over to eat it! They won’t do it on Thursday, any day other than Thursday.

Each year most of the family comply. A little effort on my part and I get a feast and see my family. Except my one sister-in-law and her children. I believe she thinks I’m an ‘evil’ person since I fully partake in Halloween. Like FULLY PARTAKE. Not like I sacrifice sheep or anything but I love skulls and creepy decorations. They however view this as the devil influencing my life. To each their own, but I am sad that I have a very small family, made smaller by religious viewpoints.

Today is the day – the day of Turkey and Ham and family. My parent’s live in an apartment complex that has a ‘clubhouse’. Its open to anyone in the complex. There is a small kitchen, tables, a couch, tv, and computers for general use. Here we can make the Turkey,  and across the way my Mother can make the ham in their oven, then bring it over. I am finally sitting by myself – out of my parents small one bedroom apartment. When I visit I sleep on an air mattress on the floor, in the living room between the couch and the TV. This upsets my father as all he does is sit on the couch and watch TV. Its enjoyable to be able to sit on a couch in this ‘clubhouse’, in a quiet room with no TV. The simple things you miss in life when they are taken away.

I sit here and think of the lack of exercise. The most I get is 2 steps to the bathroom and 2 steps back to a chair where I sit in their apartment. I don’t know this town well enough and there is no sidewalk to just explore. Outside of the complex is the highway. My father is in a wheelchair and doesn’t enjoy leaving the house. Even when he could walk he rarely did. So I think about the grease laden food my mother keeps feeding me. Dripping wet butter on muffins, greasy bacon, greasy eggs, she offered to make me a deli chicken sandwich and asked if I wanted Mayo and butter on the bread. I declined both.

My mother isn’t a bad cook, shes just become use to the disgusting habits of my father and I think she believes this is the norm now. Each day I look at my large thighs and hips, the new stretch marks on top of old ones on my belly and the people on the tv who are stick thin with perfect skin. While I see this I do nothing to change my habits, I sit in the chair and eat the greasy food and look for seconds out of boredom.

I also think about the fact that I haven’t dated anyone in years. YEARS. While it took me a long time to get over the hell my ex put me through – I’m over that. At least enough to start dating. But I look at dating profiles and constantly say none of them are good enough for me, simply based on the way they look or their occupation – but am I even good enough for any of them? Not even IRL but based on the few pictures I put up and the tiny description. Seriously, what right do I have to be on a high horse. I’m so afraid of finding the perfect relationship that I’m too afraid to even try. I guess I tell myself – what if I find someone and fall for them and then my make believe prince finds me?

I mean insanity right? I just need to try to go on a date to date – not to marry – not to have a baby but just to try to “Date”. I’m so confused with the – looking for something real vs – looking for a friend and possibly more. I mean, whats the difference? I understand some people just want to hook up. I don’t want that. But is there a simple – just looking to meet people and see if we click? Is that a thing?

My weight is my weak point. It always will be. I could drop 60 lbs in 40 weeks if I really really tried. Point in fact- – TRIED, effort here is the key missing factor of my life. And even 60 lbs would put me at College weight, which was still overweight. I’m probably closer to 100 lbs overweight but my goal is to lose 60 for happiness.

Effort is needed for friends too. I recently found out the Nutcracker ballet was coming back and asked my friends if they wanted to go. One by one they declined. I thought – maybe I’ll go by myself – refusing to miss out on things because I’m ‘alone’. Finally I made the effort – reached out to a friend of a friend and they accepted immediately! Yea! New Friend!

I need to keep this effort. Effort to exercise, effort to blog more, effort to eat an apple, effort to make friends, effort to give men a chance to be imperfect humans as I know I am,  effort to just DO.

So far I’ve been blogging the few days I’ve been at my parents. Is it boredom, is it my final break in life saying – YOU NEED TO CHANGE!. Is it the fact that I’ve got so much bottled up in my brain I just need a release? Is it that I finally realized I ran out of excuses. I’m not traveling crazy pants anymore. There is no need to eat out every meal. I need to save money hard core and pay off my credit cards and loans but to do that I can’t spend a $500 on eating out each month. It’s time I sit down and have an intervention with myself. But after today. Today is Turkey day and I get to eat all the food I want. Cuz thats what you do on Turkey day. I refuse to be upset as I say – I’ll start on Monday. Effort for Monday.

 

Advertisements

Step one

Featured photo: a scenic stop sign

I should look but I’m sure I’ve said step one multiple times before. But let’s cut to the chase, I signed up for a yoga class tomorrow. 

I love yoga and it often helps me build my core, build strength, add flexibility, want to eat better and work out more and I lose weight. Plus it’s a great stress reliever and helps with my lower back pain. 

Lately, my always-regular periods have been out of whack. My back pain has been increasing. My moods have been shaky too. I can’t keep my house clean, often stressing that it’s so messy I can’t even handle it. I’ve been eating and shopping to cope with my stress. Never a good option. 

So a next step. The class is scheduled for tomorrow. I have to go now. No excuses. 

I need a focal point. I need structure to my life. I need a change. Today I ate ice cream and Halloween candy all day. I took the dog for a walk but otherwise I watched tv. I spent $200 between beauty products and bed sheets. I’m not managing my life as much as I’m just trying to escape it. 

This job is intense. It’s big and complex and I’m not prepared. Add in the fact that I got emotionally connected to a person I met three times and spoke on the phone a ton, and I’m just kinda falling apart. My friends aren’t around as much. Attempting to make new ones has been difficult. Online dating is getting me nowhere. Granted, I’m not giving it all my might. I’m not saying it’s worthless. It’s just another battle in my struggle that I’m finding a touch overwhelming at the moment. 

But. Yoga. Tomorrow. I’m very proud I hit schedule. I hate trying new things alone but I’m fed up and I need to start pushing my comfort zone for a healthy change. My body doesn’t make me happy. And I fear that my doctor will tell me if I don’t lose the weight that I’ll become diabetic. I don’t want that. 

I’ll admit another reason. It’s guys. My friends made fun of me for wearing a hoodie and T-shirt to the bar. It was really upsetting. But what am I supposed to wear? A dress? A snug top fitted to my rolls? 

It’s bad enough several work tops don’t fit. They have shrunk or I’ve just gotten too fat.  I’ve attempted diets and “eating healthy” but exercise sometimes pulls me in. I get my body moving and I want to keep moving then I want to feed it healthy stuff. I have almost 100 lbs to lose. 40 would make me insanely happy. 20 would also be a grand start. But it’s not going to happen without a step. 

Wish me luck. Again. 

Complaints

I’ll have to backtrack about the weekend but first I wanted to complain. 

This past week I saw photos from the wedding I stood in. I saw a large girl with huge arms and an overly plump face. It was me.  

In the hotel this weekend I saw my large belly flab that I couldn’t suck in or hide under a sweatshirt because it was so warm. At my parents house, I could see in the bathroom mirror when I turned around my bare butt. It wasn’t cute and round. It was flat, wide, bumpy, and had a sad overall look to it. 

On the drive home yesterday I broke it up by listening to two audio books. One about mini habits for weight loss, and the other about how one woman somehow paid off $18,000 of debt in one year with her $33,000 salary. I call bs on that one but I’m a hater and a pessimist. What can I say?

For weight loss it was, eat more Whole Foods, if you need to stuff your face do it with fruits and veggies rather than potato chips and exercise some. For saving money, don’t spend your money on shit you don’t need. 

It wasn’t mind blowing concepts. It was all do-able things. I thought, yes! I need a change! I can do this! Then I got hungry as I was driving and thought about a cheese dog and ice cream from Dairy Queen. Luckily for my waistline they were closed. 

Once I got home I was tired, warm and well tired. I had no food at home so I could shop, order in or order take out. Somehow my brain thought the most expensive option. With soup, appetizers, a large expensive entree too. $50 later I picked it up and stuffed my face while laying on the couch. 

Wtf happened to weight loss and saving money?

As soon as I came home with 3 bags of food I realized how wasteful of money and overly calorie ridden meal I’d consume. But consume it I did, well except for the soup, though I tried to eat it but my belly hurt. 

I went to bed, sluggish with a full belly and empty wallet. I woke up sluggish, bloated, tired still, over all I felt horrible and I knew it was from eating too much shitty food. 

I still had no food in my house, granted I do have oatmeal which I swore I’d start eating. I ate the soup from yesterday for breakfast with my coffee. Yes. I have no self control or self respect. I also did this in bed while I typed an agenda for a meeting. 

Before my 2 pm meeting I went to McDonalds and got a 2 cheeseburger meal because I wanted the large iced tea. I ate the burgers and large fry in 2 seconds while driving. 

After the meeting I stopped at the food co-op. Figured I could buy lettuce for a salad, maybe some items to make a fruit smoothie with the frozen fruit I have. I ended up with some carrot cake and a PB&J sandwich I just devoured. 

But I told myself I’d type out my shame here. Explain to myself why I weigh 250 lbs. and try to find the motivation to even make a mini habit to break my eating and spending habits. 

Good luck to me. 

Rant over. 

Day 21

Featured photo: sunset from yesterday taken from a bridge

I’ve been exhausted. Waking up early, staying up late, sitting through meetings and still walking everyday. 

I thought today was day 20, but it’s day 21. I started walking on May 6. 

Today I weighed myself. I’m 241 lbs. I was 247 and I’m on my period which usually adds a few lbs. 

I haven’t started a diet but I know I should. My hormones and stress have been crazy too. I’ve been cranky and short, over emotional and loud. 

But now the count up for ‘in a row workouts’ and count down for lbs. 

I see my friends. One after another they drop weight and get engaged. It’s not even a joke or elaboration. Legit they dropped weight and got engaged. And yea you’re not supposed to drop weight for a guy but fuck it. It’s a superficial world out there and in order to meet people, there has to be a level of attraction in order to start the conversation. So duck it. I’m gonna lose weight in order to get a man. 

Let’s get at it. 

Goal

Featured photo: Tulips in my yard

Spring is here. The grass needs cutting, the tulips have bloomed, the shrubs are coming up; it’s wonderful. 

I’m on a walking streak. Last Saturday I walked the dog and everyday since I’ve told myself to continue. For my health, weight loss, and not to mention, for my dog!

There were times I’d tell myself that it was too cold, too windy and too icy out. Those excuses have no merit now. I’d tell myself it was unfair to go to the gym and leave the dog bored if I exercised without him. That was a scapegoat lie to myself. I told myself, after one more episode, until it was time for bed. I told myself, I’ll just take a nap then realize I slept the day away. 

Not this week. Not now. I want this and I know the more motivated I get with one small baby step will lead to others. 

Today was very boring. I baby sat a mechanic for 3.5 hours then had to deal with attempting to ship a package. Sounds easy but it wasn’t. I just sat in a chair starring at my phone for 3 hours. 

I had missed lunch so of course I got unhealthy junk food for dinner, turned on the tv and fell asleep by 7pm. I woke up at 9:30 and thought, I need to go for my walk!

It was dark, but warmer than it’s been, high 50s. It had been raining earlier but I bought raincoats to eliminate that excuse. I told myself I needed to charge a light up collar for my dog. He’s a black lab and at night without proper street lights, he’s virtually invisible. But I continued to lay on the couch daydreaming about the sexy electrician. 

By 10:30 I told myself, no more excuses. I got up and boom I was walking. The thing is, I enjoy walking. Getting outside is nice. Granted we took a less scenic route and it was dark out, but it still made me happy. 

I am almost getting to the point I know I will be more upset if I don’t go than finding an excuse to lie to myself about why I can’t. 

I’ve been here before, I’ve had a gym rush, I know it from work out classes. How it’s more of a chore not to go than it is to go. I’m excited. I’ve chosen to walk in the rain, after a long work day and now very late in the day. But I’m doing it. Now just to slowly step it up, eating better and more exercise. Actually hitting the recommended 10,000 steps per day would be nice. 

If you’re stuck in that motivation deprived state, if you’re brain or body are trying to convince you it would be embarrassing to go outside, that you don’t have the right clothes, that people will judge you, etc., just remember – you matter, not others! Remember you are doing it for you, not them. And you’ll never get past that mindset unless you start your journey. Everyone starts somewhere. 

But just do it. Just walk. Around the block, and gradually further and faster. The change won’t happen overnight. And the good vibes might not come as quick for you as they did for me. But believe me, when you realize you are just getting off the couch and doing something consistently for a period of time. You can feel damn proud of yourself. Screw any haters who say it’s not enough. As long as you attempt to go faster or farther after so many sessions, you’re on the right track. Just don’t push yourself so far you get discouraged or injured. It’s your journey. No one else’s, just you!

Let’s do this!