A light at the end of the tunnel?

It’s October. I’ve been waiting since May of last year. Just sitting here dreaming and waiting. Waiting for something magical to happen to me without trying. Just sitting here.

I lost 20 lbs at the beginning of the year. The confidence I gained was off the charts. I bought smaller clothes and was on top of the world. I was still Obese. I was still 80 lbs overweight but I felt like a million dollars.

Weird how that happens. How we tell ourselves we are disgusting but after the smallest change people notice, you notice and the world brightens just a touch.

Something happened between May and now. I gained 25 lbs back. My house is a red neck white trash pit of shit. The outside, the inside and even I’m disgusted with my lack of caring.

What did I do this summer? Laid on the couch and watched tv. Spent too much time on this IPad. Ordered everything from Amazon and went into credit card debt. Ate out at every opportunity and made excuses left and right to never go to the beach, never go hiking, never go camping, just nothing.

Why? Well because I was dreaming and waiting. Waiting for life to become perfect and wonderful and each day it didn’t , each day I realized it happened for someone else and not me – well, I just put myself deeper in the tunnel.

Somehow, the past two years I gained my confidence back intermittently. I became happy and comfortable. I got over the grief of loosing my best friend and adopted pet child. I got over the metal abuse of my ex, I got over so much and then somehow went into a dream world where everything would happen for me. Each time I realized it wasn’t I fell back into the pit. I went home from work to cry. I was deeply depressed and everything was too overwhelming to attempt.

I kept up with work, I made things work. I took out my outrage at my contractors. This week I had another eye opener though.

One of my dream boys was arrested. Again. This time he got out after paying a fine and I was texting him that night. Part of me realized – you cant wait for him, you cant fix him, he can’t be your project. I have to be my own project. The same day I went to talk to a laborer, his employee. As I went into verbal mouth diarrhea – swearing every other word about nothing to do with him – he stoped me and asked me if I wanted to get a beer.

I was completely flabbergasted! I was battling a head cold, I was physically exhausted and my head was foggy. Processing the information was difficult. Say YES! He’s being sarcastic, say something mean! You’re in the wrong, apologize!

I don’t know how long I paused, I don’t remember how I said what I said or.. well much at all. I remember saying – I get it – I can bitch for hours, I’ll stop.

He said, I don’t care, I’m getting paid standing here. I said, No no, I’ll leave. And then walked away.

I felt stupid going off and realized I need to control my emotions. Then his words dawned on me – wait a sec. He was being legit, he wanted to get a beer.

WHAT THE FUCK IS WRONG WITH ME?

Like how dense am I to not realize that was a legit ask out? I’m so wrapped up in my brain that I can’t even figure out he was being nice. I guess I’m used to people being mean, or my self confidence isn’t that high yet.

I think even my dream boy attempted to talk about a beer with me and I instantly shut him down. Sigh. I’m my own worst enemy.

Today is Saturday. I woke up at 8:30 – fairly decent and started cleaning. I’ve organized a few things in my bedroom. I through all my dirty clothes next to the washer. I’ve changed my sheets for the first time in… longer than I care to say. Made my bed and made lists of what I need to accomplish today. It’s already 11 am but hey – I can do this. I realize I put myself in a horrible mood knowing all the things that I need to do that I get overwhelmed and do nothing. Today that will change. One room at a time. I won’t start another room until I finish the one on my list.

Tomorrow I can work on the outside of the house and then I can work on that asshole of a dog I own. He continues to go through my trash, ruin my couch and furniture. He’s pooped upstairs most days and peed a few times as well. The house wreaks of feces.

I also need to organize the basement and try to get all my trash for the dump. If I can clean this house this weekend – maybe I can work on walking my dog, going to the gym, doing anything other than coming home because I need to clean, not going on dates because I can’t even think straight.

I like to dream, I’m just hoping I can turn it into reality this weekend.

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Week in review 

Featured photo: my cat sitting on my lap last night

Jesus it’s Friday! This week has been super busy and super exhausting. Or I’ve just been exhausted or sick. Whatever it sucked. 

Last week Tuesday I drove 230 miles for a work meeting and after that another 100 something to see John Mayer in concert in Chicago. Wednesday I sat at a friends house all day with nothing but pop and greasy take out. That night we drove another 100 something miles back so I could have a meeting on Thursday. Insert greasy road food and back 100+ miles to a concert – Me First and the Gimmie Gimmes. From there back to the burbs. 

Friday we headed back into the city (60+ miles) to a friends house and a concert. See last post about my night in hell. 

Thankfully that night my friends didn’t die and I crashed in town with them. Wake up 5 hours later, Cubs game at Wrigley, lots of Chicago food staples (Italian beef and deep dish pizza) then downtown for one of my favorite local bands, Lucky Boys Confusion. 

The concert was exhausting waiting for them to headline. By 10 pm that night my feet were killing me and I had over 10,000 steps in; my normal day is 3,000-4,000. But the band came on and jumping was the only way to enjoy it! They were awesome and I was wide awake again!

Back 60+ miles to the burbs, we got home at 1:30 am and I woke at 7 to shower and get to my uncles house whom I rarely see. 4 hours of visiting later and nearly 400 miles I arrived home just before 10 pm on Sunday. 

Since then work work work. Meeting folks at 8 -am Monday was hard.  Walking the city with contractors and taking naps whenever possible. Finally and scarily it’s already Friday with a ton left to do before travel starts on Monday again. I’ve been ordering takeout for every meal this week. Too sleepy to bother shopping or eating healthy. I’ve gained 2 lbs since my last check in and I realize I’m out of breathe far too easily still.  

Today though I’m energetic. Maybe I finally caught up on sleep or maybe that bubble bath put me in my happy place last night. But hopefully I can be a weekend warrior. Get back in the game, go to the gym, eat better, save money and lose some weight. Wish me luck!