Birthdays and diets

Featured photo: the amount of granola I can eat for breakfast. And no, this isn’t an oversized bowl.

I’m officially 38, as of yesterday but whatevs. I wasn’t carded last night but I told the bartender it was my bday and he asked how old. I said 38 and he made me give him my ID to prove it. The look of shock on his face made me feel good enough.

On to the diet!

Yesterday I stayed home and tried to eat my Nutrisystem diet. The food has all been tasty, and mostly filling. But yesterday I started my period and let’s be real, I could eat for days. Also it was my birthday.

Technically the diet was supposed to start 7 days ago. But work and dining out and drinking… I’m not good at dieting obviously. I’d like to think I at least saved some calories with the pre-made breakfast rather than eating that meal out too!

Yesterday I saw it was the last day of a seafood sale and I bought myself a lobster tail and some shrimp. I also made some homemade hummus. I stuffed myself for dinner and had 3 sweet cocktails last night.

Today is my first day of official diet, the first time I’ll try one of the pre-made dinners. I bought a bunch of veggies as I’m required to eat 4 servings per day, which is typically 4 more than I eat a day. I thought to eat the least filling or foods I think I might not enjoy as much, to eat on the weekend. Today was granola and I was allowed 1/2 c of fat free milk. Instead I bought 2%. If you see the photo, I’m used to filling this bowl with cereal. This looks more like a dusting in the bowl. How will these portion sizes fill me up? It’s a total new way I need to think, eat to live not live to eat. That’s a tough one.

Part of me thinks I should follow the diet exactly and start dropping weight, stop making excuses. Part of me thinks baby steps because poor habits never die. Let’s see how today goes. I need to read more about the program. The first week is far more strict- which is more so going to happen this week instead. The program says you might not see the same weight loss results if you mix things up. My hope is for steady and slow. 1-2 lbs per week.

Here we go

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A diet for 38

Featured Photo: sunset in the rear view mirror

I haven’t been dieting or exercising and shocker… I haven’t been losing weight.

I hate myself in photos. I get anxiety thinking about dating. I’m terrified of becoming diabetic or having a heart attack and lets be real, what is the solution to most of these issues? Lose weight.

I’m 5’9″ and curvey af. But that doesn’t change the fact that I’m almost 250 lbs.

I thought I was fat in high school at 160. I thought I was fat in college at 200. Now I just need to realize I’m god damn obese and need to knock this shit out.

I’ve joined the gym and not gone, I’ve joined weight watchers, lost almost 20 lbs then quit. I started Slim Fast, almost lost 15 then quit. I’ve joined yoga and not gone. I’ve made every excuse and failed to accept reality. Im lazy and without motivation.

So I’ve turned to Nutrisystem. I paid $300 for a month of pre-made meals. I can’t get take-out cuz Ill have a meal at home. I can’t say I’m too tired to cook or without time, they are already made. I can’t whine about not eating lunch since I can bring it with me. How can I fuck this up?

Well. My birthday is this weekend.

But beyond that. I better fucking eat this food for the next damn month and save some money on not eating out.

I just need to buy some veggies. Do-able right?

The portions are TINY. I just spent the weekend with friends and I ate each day til my belly hurt then still said yes to any food put in front of me.

I’m coming off of a food binge so I’m curious how my body will react to the snack size portions.

The year of 37 is almost coming to a close. Less than a week. I decided to keep this blog going, just mention that it’s a year extended.

Let’s see how cranky I can get with this new diet. 🙃

Another Tuesday

Somehow it’s February. My resolutions are all but shattered remnants of hopes and dreams. My crush is back and that’s given me a hope and good thoughts of a clean slate with just enough lack in faith to fall into old ruts.

The house is dirty, my car is a mess, I haven’t worked out and I ate guacamole and bacon for dinner tonight. I signed up for Nutrisystem. They send me food and I don’t bother with shopping or cooking. Let’s recap, I made guacamole and microwaved bacon for dinner. I haven’t gotten any do I don’t know if it’s good yet.

The crush is in town tomorrow night. He’ll be around Thursday. Told me today he’d be in town for a week, but I’m leaving. Fate- you evil bitch.

Granted who’s to say we would even see each other potentially this weekend but you can’t see each other if you aren’t in the same town. Insert frowny face.

It’s all I’ve got right now. But at least I can look forward to a weekend with friends. That will be exciting.

The sign

I’ve been 240 lbs for some time. I almost got to 222 two years ago but I’m back up. I’ve pushed 247 recently.

I think of myself as curvy and beautiful. But when I catch my reflection I assume it’s a bad angle, a poor mirror or anything to believe the rounded lumps of my cheeks, ass, hips, calves, etc.

We’re told we should be beautiful as we are, but I can’t shake the self loathing. I flirt and sashay my ass around like some suave French hooker, but I can’t lie- my self confidence ends with my clothes on. Harmless flirting with dreams of sex but I create diversions to keep myself out of reach. Or perhaps it’s just what I tell myself to keep believing that men want me.

With each shrunken article in my closet, with each piece of merchandise that I can’t squish into, with each ache I feel, I realize- I can’t live like this.

I’m not healthy. I’m obese and my body is screaming for help. My calf still aches from a pulled muscle. My big toe and fingers randomly go numb and I’m terrified of hearing I have diabetes like my father who is now in a wheelchair.

Today I walked the dog. Nothing crazy, just a mile walk. I’ve logged my calories for 3 days, below 1500 to just at 2000. I know in past days I’ve logged 3000 calories or more.

Later in the day I think about eating more and more until I realize I’m not hungry, just bored. I need to keep this up. Recognizing self pleasure should not be found by stuffing my face. It’s a hard concept. I’m trying to drink water. I know I’m constantly dehydrated.

The motivation needs to stick. Last time I dropped 15 lbs I was in a size smaller pant, feeling like a queen and so very proud. I can do this. I have everything I need. I just need to do- there is no try.

Also, let’s get motivated about money. I’ve got $3000 in credit card debt. $11,000 left on my car loan and a total of $26,000 in student loans. Two of which are under $1,000. I should be able to knock out the credit cards and half the car debt by the end of the year, don’t you think?

Less $50 meals cuz I’m too lazy to cook. Less Amazon shopping sprees of things I don’t need. Less food and shopping to bring self happiness and more gym and outdoors time for me!

I’ve got the motivation. Let’s do this.

Complaints

I’ll have to backtrack about the weekend but first I wanted to complain. 

This past week I saw photos from the wedding I stood in. I saw a large girl with huge arms and an overly plump face. It was me.  

In the hotel this weekend I saw my large belly flab that I couldn’t suck in or hide under a sweatshirt because it was so warm. At my parents house, I could see in the bathroom mirror when I turned around my bare butt. It wasn’t cute and round. It was flat, wide, bumpy, and had a sad overall look to it. 

On the drive home yesterday I broke it up by listening to two audio books. One about mini habits for weight loss, and the other about how one woman somehow paid off $18,000 of debt in one year with her $33,000 salary. I call bs on that one but I’m a hater and a pessimist. What can I say?

For weight loss it was, eat more Whole Foods, if you need to stuff your face do it with fruits and veggies rather than potato chips and exercise some. For saving money, don’t spend your money on shit you don’t need. 

It wasn’t mind blowing concepts. It was all do-able things. I thought, yes! I need a change! I can do this! Then I got hungry as I was driving and thought about a cheese dog and ice cream from Dairy Queen. Luckily for my waistline they were closed. 

Once I got home I was tired, warm and well tired. I had no food at home so I could shop, order in or order take out. Somehow my brain thought the most expensive option. With soup, appetizers, a large expensive entree too. $50 later I picked it up and stuffed my face while laying on the couch. 

Wtf happened to weight loss and saving money?

As soon as I came home with 3 bags of food I realized how wasteful of money and overly calorie ridden meal I’d consume. But consume it I did, well except for the soup, though I tried to eat it but my belly hurt. 

I went to bed, sluggish with a full belly and empty wallet. I woke up sluggish, bloated, tired still, over all I felt horrible and I knew it was from eating too much shitty food. 

I still had no food in my house, granted I do have oatmeal which I swore I’d start eating. I ate the soup from yesterday for breakfast with my coffee. Yes. I have no self control or self respect. I also did this in bed while I typed an agenda for a meeting. 

Before my 2 pm meeting I went to McDonalds and got a 2 cheeseburger meal because I wanted the large iced tea. I ate the burgers and large fry in 2 seconds while driving. 

After the meeting I stopped at the food co-op. Figured I could buy lettuce for a salad, maybe some items to make a fruit smoothie with the frozen fruit I have. I ended up with some carrot cake and a PB&J sandwich I just devoured. 

But I told myself I’d type out my shame here. Explain to myself why I weigh 250 lbs. and try to find the motivation to even make a mini habit to break my eating and spending habits. 

Good luck to me. 

Rant over. 

May complaints

Featured photo: Spring blooms in my yard

Yesterday was May 1st. I thought it would be a great day to implement new goals for the month. But I’ve broken them before I even wrote them down. 

Spending. I need to save money. While I’m slowly paying off my debt I know I could do it faster. I’ve got my credit cards that I keep racking up, my mortgage- he’s not going anywhere, student loans- which are moving slower than a snail, but they can’t repossess my education… so they wait, and my car loan – which I still have 4 years on. 

On top of that I’ve got this diet business. It’s still been snowing- just flurries but cold and wet enough I don’t care to go outside, and I still haven’t been to the gym. I told myself to limit my spending on eating out and junk food. Save money and calories! But May 1st, I blow $25 on lunch takeout. Eating essentially two meals and then going out for a working dinner eating hamburgers and fries. Today is May 2nd. I went to the bagel shop for a pricy cold press coffee, bagel sandwich and threw in a scone. Now for lunch I’m making myself a pizza. At least it’s not take out, right?

Continued on May 3rd. 

Jez, I didn’t even post my complaining yesterday. 

I continued to lay on the couch yesterday until I ate a full box of frozen creamy coconut fruit bars. So much for not eating key lime pie. I just ate my weight in fat and sugar while being a slug. 

Today is sunny and 60, it’ll dive back into the 40s tomorrow but I need to get my ass outside. But first- work.