Back to the gym

I hired a personal trainer 5 or 6 weeks ago?

I finally said – I need to make a change and someone is going to help me do it! I need to stop bringing up my ex, but I will. He ridiculed everything I did. I didn’t exercise hard enough – it was worthless. I didn’t eat healthy enough, it was worthless. I was worthless and over and over again until I believed it.

This time it would be someone to inspire me. To tell me I was awesome, I could do it and they believed in me. This time I would pay them to be there for me and I didn’t feel bad about it.

I did my first session and geared up to go again in a week. I showed up and she was with someone else. WTF I thought we had a plan. Nope, she scheduled with someone else and pretended that I was wrong. I gave her the benefit of the doubt and scheduled 2 days later. I hadn’t been to the gym since we met – I only needed to go twice. TWO TIMES and I didn’t do that.

I had all the excuses, I cleaned the house, I was tired, I made dinner, I raked leaves. So we did our first session, everything hurt and I was dying. Truth be told everything did hurt and I came down with a miserable cold.

Fast forward a week of bed and I canceled our next session. I was congested and in bed. Fast forward one more week and she was shocked to see me – 2 weeks and I still hadn’t been to the gym on my own. She made me sweat and burn and almost cry but I did 50 minutes of punishment.

Now its 4 days later and I finally made myself go to the GYM! I got home from work at 5 pm and told myself- let the dog out then out to the Gym! But my phone was dying, and my I watch was dying – how would I track my workout. I let them charge and took a few bites of raw pie crust from the package – its basically like raw cookie dough – bad for you and tempting. Don’t worry about it – maybe its just me. Anyway, I did this I did that and I stalled. 6:30 and I said GO TO THE FINGING GYM ALREADY. As I got in my car I thought about how I could not go. How I didn’t want to go . How I hated going.

My mind went dark and even walking up to the door I was upset to be there.

I got going on the workout she scheduled for me on our off time. 5 minutes to start – 5 minutes I told myself I wish I stayed at home. The rest of the machines were weight machines and not so bad – then to finish 20 minutes on the eplictical. 20 Freaking Minutes. I started and never knew how i would finish. I thought about quitting, just stepping down and going home. As I continued though I slowly thought how it wasn’t that bad. Why did my brain get so dark. Why did I think it would be so awful. In the end I felt good, I accomplished something. I thought about how I could continue and melt away the lbs. How I could wear clothes that I felt good in. How I might get a boyfriend by having the confidence in believing he thought I looked hot.

I thought about the guy I have a crush on, the guy that I might see on Friday for drinks. The guy I hoped could see past the 100 lbs of fat on my body and know I was a pretty rad person. I thought about how if I had just started this earlier this year, maybe I’d already be that hot babe that he wanted.

Yea yea yea I know don’t lose weight for a guy but you know what? It’s my motivation and I’ll take any I can get. Maybe I don’t get that guy – but if I get any guy that will be the guy for me. That will be the guy of my motivation.

I feel good. Now I need to clean this house. I’d really like to bring someone back with me for a cuddle on Friday. I’m thankful I should have my period and can’t have sex with anyone but I’d be down for a boy in my bed. It’s been too long.

I also ate a salad today, yesterday and I’m making one for tomorrow.

I need to prep some oatmeal for breakfast too. I’m really hoping these small steps can last. I’m not eating totally healthy but if I make my meals I can save money and calories by not eating out. I also am eating salads and I had a bottle of water. Baby steps to healthy. It’s the only way I do things.

Yet again, Good luck to me.

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The flip flop

Last Sunday I came to the decision that, essentially, I had to work to be happy. Happiness isn’t something that just happens- – like the sun shines. It’s something that you have to work for – you have to make the decision to have a good day. As they say it takes more muscles to smile than it does to frown.

For me – I had all these things that I was procrastinating on. It was easier to be unhappy living in a filthy house, than it was to clean it. Though the few times I could have invited a guy back to my place it was too disgusting to do so. Granted – I don’t need a booty call in my life either.

Having a dirty house upset me, but I couldn’t break out of the cycle and force myself to clean it. Just like I cant force myself to go to the gym or eat healthy and log my calories.

Last week I went to the gym and met with my trainer. I vowed to hit the gym twice more that week and well I didn’t but! I did however ask my Customer on Tuesday for his brother’s phone number. His brother had asked me casually out for a beer while we were talking about work and I was too self involved to realize what was happening.

I made my first move to flat out ask a guy out. This is how dating happens – well it could have happened sooner had I been happy enough with myself to realize when a guy asks a girl out.

I also cleaned my house all week in hopes for a possible visitor after I had texted him and asked him out for a beer. We made plans for Friday and I was jumping for joy all week – or at least two days. I went out with a co-worker on Wednesday and Thursday, just before I had plans with a friend to go to an art exhibit, I got a text. He had to cancel our date.

I realize that I had planned out my life with this guy – dates, vacations, marriage and children. I fantasized about him at night and when I woke up. I literally became insane with the thought of getting a beer with him.

Do I actually know if he likes me? Did he really just want to stop standing in the cold and find a way to change the subject? I really don’t know.

I was slightly discouraged but we called it a rain check and I was hopeful for the following week (this week).

At the art exhibit I ran into a very close friend from 9 years ago! Well it had been 9 years since we spoke last. It ended badly and in the end he apologized and I really enjoyed talking to hm for 45 minutes.

Friday night I was a little bummed that I didn’t have my date to go on but I cleaned a bit and the day went by quickly. Saturday morning i rushed around to finish cleaning for a potluck dinner and pumpkin carving with friends. At first I thought there would only be 4 of us but by the end of the night there were 8 of us plus two children! What a fun amazing happy time. We laughed like banshees and ended the night at midnight. The next morning I cleaned, raked the yard – finally taking care of compost heap in my driveway since July and was just proud of myself.

Here I was taking my life back. I didn’t hate cleaning or raking. I was feeling so proud and accomplished that I was happy. It didn’t feel like work. To be honest it felt better than sitting on my IPad playing stupid childish games.

Thursday before the art exhibit I even mowed the backyard and picked up dog poop that was long over due! I mean all the things I got done! I started making my bed and each morning fixed it so that it was made again! I completed one full week of walking my dog each morning around the block before showering. I believe it will get harder to continue once the snow flies but I haven’t broken a morning yet.

Saturday night at the party we discussed New Years and I imagined having a date. We talked about the bog walk this coming weekend and I thought – what if that was our first date – we talked about going out for drinks in our costumes on Saturday and I thought about him joining. I can’t really say what else I thought about but it was all grand and I realized in the moment how happy I was to have a plus one.

Today I realized – I don’t have a plus one. I don’t even have a true date planned. We have a rain check. The customer – his brother – made a joke of me being happy – he said You got Laid! I said no! But he was like AHHHH you did!

It’s a very high school work relationship we have. Basically we tease each other like high school kids who haven’t matured past 15.

Then I thought – I haven’t gotten laid, I haven’t even gotten a date or a beer. Here I am just happy to think about someone potentially being my date and its enough for people to think I got laid? Then I thought – what if he thinks its with his brother and its not. What if he tells his brother and he doesn’t even want to ask me out cuz he thinks I’m fucking someone else. What if????

Well… I never admitted to having sex with anyone – that was him. But gosh. Here I am planning my life again with no one. I don’t even know if he’s really interested – I really have no idea. Do I let him text me? Do I text him? CHILL OUT !

Maybe I should really just look at Tinder and attempt conversations with people again. I had one going but he worked over nights in a town 40 minutes away -kinda difficult to make a date.

Another guy was cool to talk to for a minute then he wanted my phone number immediately. It was just a little too forward? Like what about – do you have a job, are you a serial killer?

I’ve only told one friend about me asking him out for a beer. I also told her he canceled on me. Sigh. The cancel was legit – a family member was moving last weekend. I had overheard his brother tell someone else. Then I asked the brother what he was doing on the weekend. He confirmed.

So now I’m torn. Do I text him? Do I let him text me? Was I too sarcastic? I’m sure it will happen, right?

I even thought about how the guy who I know I shouldn’t be interested in, how it will show him because I’m dating someone else. Then I saw him this morning and he was cuter than ever – I don’t know what happened but his face was just so cute, Sigh.

My brain is flip flopping between being happy and being terrified I’m losing another make believe boyfriend.

Maybe I do need therapy. At least my house is clean, I made an effort to clean up and do dishes prior to going to bed. and my laundry is almost done. My bed was made when I got into it just now – and I wouldn’t be too embarrassed if someone came over inside my house. Now the porch – ekk – that’s something I should work on!

I have to be proud of myself for having a clean house. It’s been a long time. I still have the basement and 2nd floor before its officially clean but right now – It’s a huge step in the right direction of becoming a functional adult again. Soon I hope to make the gym a stable habit and lose this weight that’s been bringing me down.

I guess like I say – baby steps. But also, when your happy, others can tell and are attracted to your happiness. I just need to keep up the happiness. Let’s try. And lets hope I still get a date this week. I’m going to try to keep sane and not dominate the situation.

A light at the end of the tunnel?

It’s October. I’ve been waiting since May of last year. Just sitting here dreaming and waiting. Waiting for something magical to happen to me without trying. Just sitting here.

I lost 20 lbs at the beginning of the year. The confidence I gained was off the charts. I bought smaller clothes and was on top of the world. I was still Obese. I was still 80 lbs overweight but I felt like a million dollars.

Weird how that happens. How we tell ourselves we are disgusting but after the smallest change people notice, you notice and the world brightens just a touch.

Something happened between May and now. I gained 25 lbs back. My house is a red neck white trash pit of shit. The outside, the inside and even I’m disgusted with my lack of caring.

What did I do this summer? Laid on the couch and watched tv. Spent too much time on this IPad. Ordered everything from Amazon and went into credit card debt. Ate out at every opportunity and made excuses left and right to never go to the beach, never go hiking, never go camping, just nothing.

Why? Well because I was dreaming and waiting. Waiting for life to become perfect and wonderful and each day it didn’t , each day I realized it happened for someone else and not me – well, I just put myself deeper in the tunnel.

Somehow, the past two years I gained my confidence back intermittently. I became happy and comfortable. I got over the grief of loosing my best friend and adopted pet child. I got over the metal abuse of my ex, I got over so much and then somehow went into a dream world where everything would happen for me. Each time I realized it wasn’t I fell back into the pit. I went home from work to cry. I was deeply depressed and everything was too overwhelming to attempt.

I kept up with work, I made things work. I took out my outrage at my contractors. This week I had another eye opener though.

One of my dream boys was arrested. Again. This time he got out after paying a fine and I was texting him that night. Part of me realized – you cant wait for him, you cant fix him, he can’t be your project. I have to be my own project. The same day I went to talk to a laborer, his employee. As I went into verbal mouth diarrhea – swearing every other word about nothing to do with him – he stoped me and asked me if I wanted to get a beer.

I was completely flabbergasted! I was battling a head cold, I was physically exhausted and my head was foggy. Processing the information was difficult. Say YES! He’s being sarcastic, say something mean! You’re in the wrong, apologize!

I don’t know how long I paused, I don’t remember how I said what I said or.. well much at all. I remember saying – I get it – I can bitch for hours, I’ll stop.

He said, I don’t care, I’m getting paid standing here. I said, No no, I’ll leave. And then walked away.

I felt stupid going off and realized I need to control my emotions. Then his words dawned on me – wait a sec. He was being legit, he wanted to get a beer.

WHAT THE FUCK IS WRONG WITH ME?

Like how dense am I to not realize that was a legit ask out? I’m so wrapped up in my brain that I can’t even figure out he was being nice. I guess I’m used to people being mean, or my self confidence isn’t that high yet.

I think even my dream boy attempted to talk about a beer with me and I instantly shut him down. Sigh. I’m my own worst enemy.

Today is Saturday. I woke up at 8:30 – fairly decent and started cleaning. I’ve organized a few things in my bedroom. I through all my dirty clothes next to the washer. I’ve changed my sheets for the first time in… longer than I care to say. Made my bed and made lists of what I need to accomplish today. It’s already 11 am but hey – I can do this. I realize I put myself in a horrible mood knowing all the things that I need to do that I get overwhelmed and do nothing. Today that will change. One room at a time. I won’t start another room until I finish the one on my list.

Tomorrow I can work on the outside of the house and then I can work on that asshole of a dog I own. He continues to go through my trash, ruin my couch and furniture. He’s pooped upstairs most days and peed a few times as well. The house wreaks of feces.

I also need to organize the basement and try to get all my trash for the dump. If I can clean this house this weekend – maybe I can work on walking my dog, going to the gym, doing anything other than coming home because I need to clean, not going on dates because I can’t even think straight.

I like to dream, I’m just hoping I can turn it into reality this weekend.

Family

You cant pick your family. You get one shot with one pack of people, Maybe they don’t stick around, maybe you don’t stick around. Just a strange pack of people you are forced to deal with.

This weekend my Brother and Sister-in-law were coming up. They’ve visited me twice. Twice in 13 years. Why now?

They wanted some construction pieces from our upgrades. OK. I set it all up with different contractors and what not. Should I really give this stuff to them for free? What the heck its Family! Most of it was going into the dumpster so its not actually stealing or against any policies. But you know I made a big point to get it all together and tell contractors to save stuff and so forth.

My sis-in-law doesn’t come up though, instead my other brother, whom I haven’t seen in over 10 years – he comes up. I just go with the flow like nothing is weird or different. But WTF where have you been and why do you avoid us? Oh right – cuz we all suck. Eh, I don’t blame him.

They came up for Saturday night and on Monday I was able to get him what he came for. Mind you I used my lunch break before 3 back to back meetings – one being a public recorded City meeting that my Team was presenting for – But I did all this to hear my Brother say, Yea we’re going to leave tomorrow – early.

OK WTF

I went out of my way to do all this shit for you. I bought and prepared and cleaned afterward a dinner on Saturday. I paid for an expensive Brunch on Sunday. I wasted my lunch break and on my most insane day – got you this stuff and then you say – cool I’m Good I’m Out!

Fuck

You know – its one thing to get shit on at work, its another to have your friends bitch you out – but its quite another thing to have your family use you.

No wonder I have poor taste in Boyfriends. I wonder where I got used to thinking what normal is.

Months

I know its been long. I don’t know how long because I’ve come to this site and written drafts. Sometimes I think I saved them, but after emotional ones – I know I’ve thrown them away.

I got pretty depressed. I dreamed up a life I didn’t have and then was crushed when my dreams didn’t come true. It’s a bit delusional but also part of my healing process. I’m closer to being ready to date again. I bought a box of new condemns in celebration.

I’m out of my funk of being cheated and mentally abused. I’m now in a funk of, well I guess just a general funk. I’m lazy, very unclean, my house is a disaster, my yard is even worse. I’ve lost 20 lbs and gained them back easily. Today I ordered food for 3 and ate it all – I’m also getting over a hangover.

Reading this you might say – well you may think Jesus! That girl needs help!

A little bit yes and a bit no. I’ll find my way – I always do. Honestly I’m in a much better place mentally than I was months ago. I’m back here to document and keep myself accountable.

I promised my cat I would find them a new dad this year – and damnit – I only have 3 months left.

Well back in March I started home repairs. I painted the living room, the entry way, the stairway and 2 hallways, and 2 walls of the kitchen. I ripped out the carpet in the living room and put down Vinyl plank flooring. I haven’t finished the trim but just last week I finally cut in the last row – that was the biggest pain of all but its done. Now just the trim to curse at.

I bought new furniture – only one piece in the living room is older. I did a back splash in the kitchen and for Black Friday plan on buying a new oven. Last Black Friday I got a wall mounted TV and new entertainment center. With the new flooring I bought new throw rugs. I’m so close to having an adult living room. I also bought a new table for my kitchen. Though my dog destroyed it with multiple scratches while he tried to attack the boy shoveling my back deck.

Now all I need to do is go through all my junk and downsize. Throw things out that are trash and keep things neat before I go to bed.

It shouldn’t be hard but its the way I can keep from bringing boys back home with me. It’s my fail safe – my house is trashed!

I brought a co-worker over after a night of heavy drinking and it never occurred to me that he wanted to have sex. Duh Sarah, why did we go back to your house when you were trying to take him back to his hotel room. He complimented me all night – telling me there were reasons people meet and he knew it the day he met me. He’s married with a 5 year old son. He’s been with his wife for 18 years. WTF. Like – WTF. Thankfully i got the hint and finally drove him back to the hotel. We haven’t talked about it and that’s fine.

This weekend was beer fest. Two days of being really drunk with friends. I met a guy – we were talking about Chicago and cities and food and beer. He was the brewmaster for a brewery about 8 hours away. He wanted to move to this area because he loves it. They were going around town and bar hoping, I should join. Someone in my group had his friend’s number. Cool.

I thought about it again, my house is trashed but then I thought – how much would I just love to make out with this guy? The group of friends I was with split up. My friend got a text from her friend with the guys number for me to call/text to hook up with them. She was too drunk to tell me.

This morning I was a little sad that I went home alone. I was telling my friend the history of the night when she was able to Facebook stalk the brewery, to find his photo. There it was bright as day – wedding ring. WTF. There was no sign of one last night. I instantly got mad. I’m just the plump girl who is good for a fuck I suppose? Granted I’m not making the best of choices but seriously – this is the third guy who came on to me and he’s married. I hate all men. Mostly.

Regardless I’m back. I’m here to find my success, hold on to some sanity and hopefully have some good news about weight loss, exercise and relationships!

Time will tell.

Insanity

In the last month I’ve had several people drop their jaw as I explained, “I’m older than most people think; I’m 38.”

I’ve always been told I look younger than I am but now the reactions seem mind blowing.

While I appreciate I still have a youthful appearance and I’d only hope to have just as youthful personality and energy, but what is it that makes people disbelieve so much? Is 38 a step in the grave, should I look more like the crypt keeper? Why is it so shocking for me to be 38. Certainly 37 didn’t seem to be a reason to exclaim, “You’ve aged well!”

Wtf, I’m aged now? Am I a cheese or wine?

The other day I heard, “you look incredible for your age”!

Do people typically look horrible when they turn 38? I mean, the compliments are nice, but the shock is disheartening. It’s only making me feel older.

My crush thought I was 26. Many others said they’d agree.

Things are weird currently. I can tell it’s hanging over me. I’ve spent over a $1,000 shopping in the last week.

I lost 20 lbs- I hit 229, then I binged on food and booze and hit 240 a week later. The body is a cruel bitch. Regardless I’m wearing my size 16 jeans. They are tight as hell but I can zip them and that’s all that matters. I started my diet again and suddenly I started shopping. Blowing $80 on makeup. I have endless make up. $150 or more on 4 pairs of shoes. Because better to buy 3 pairs of rain boots and return one rather than buy one at a time. Also a pair of wedges for vacation.

I bought $400 + on work outfits online, well tops and jeans. Who knows if they will fit. Then I went to the store and spent $200 on a vacuum and bras. I just ordered $200 of clothes from Target. I bought some shirts and a mug from the college I attended. I purchased new music and a ringtone for my phone. I went to TJMaxx and found $25 shampoo and petsmart for a $50 cat tree. What’s wrong with me?

I had a dream I was in an insane asylum. I attempted to explain that I was sane but they stuck me full of drug filled syringes. I felt my brain begin to melt. I was out of the asylum with my coworkers, as Dreams always seem to leave out important segways, and the town I live in had been bombed. Buildings were on fire, rubble littered the street and the police were announcing to evacuate downtown. I wanted to see my dog, see if he was ok but I couldn’t. Next I know we’re back at the asylum. I had to go back to the asylum to self commit. I was handed a paper and told my boss, you take this. He said no. You deal with it. I attempted to quickly explain I couldn’t have anything f with me when I committed. He said I needed to figure it out. – well if that isn’t life, eh?

Do I feel like I’m loosing it. That my hometown is now a war zone because of this job. Things are too close and just too far away from home. I’m loosing mind

Yea. That might be spot on.

I don’t know what’s happening. I’m ready to date and I’m not. I erased all my dating profiles. I had a drink with another work person, then stalked him online. After seeing that a certain girl “lived” at his address I quickly internet searched her. Seems perhaps that they dated a few years back. But I honestly can’t tell if they are currently dating. My mind went to rage as I remembered my crush was downstate with his baby mama/ fiancé and I realized why I had a dream I was committed.

I need to find my chill.

A success

I don’t know how to explain it. I’m stressed by work, I’m ignoring my personal life, again, and I’m excited and happy and sad and… sigh.

I got my period early. I didn’t have my typical roller coaster of emotions, I just got it, 3-5 days earlier than expected. So be it. But I expected to have a wall of tears and sadness. I didn’t.

I did get drunk on Friday and spent my Saturday hungover and pathetic. I did, however, purchase new flooring for the living room. The thought of home renovations got me excited. What can I say, I love Construction, like love it. I love doing things myself and boasting , however insignificant, or even however half-ass, hey I did it.

I did not go to the gym but I got a walk with my dog in, that counts. Tomorrow is my first personal training day. I’ve been averaging 1500 calories, randomly throwing in drinks or take out but over all I’ve been ricking this diet business. Today I hopped on the scale and it read 229- 229 lbs!!!! That’s 20lbs, 20lbs since February!!!

The excitement and joy was excellent!

I said all I wanted to lose 20lbs but honestly I want to see 220. After that I want to see 200.

Im already wearing tighter shirts with a touch more skin. Today I curled the ends of my hair. No one commented but I felt good. I bought more clothes and I’m thinking of ordering them in a smaller size. I’ve been wearing XxL but slowly moving to XL. And if I could get down to a L will be my dream.

So it was a slow start, but it’s happening. 20 lbs!!! I want to scream from the roof top!

Barriers

I just had a dream. I was talking to my crush but we were in different rooms or almost like there was a partition between us. He calmly kept talking from his side and I awkwardly squirmed and shifted to attempt to see him while we talked. Same conversation as normal but there was a barrier.

Funny how your subconscious depicts life. It’s the perfect analogy. Nothing’s changed except I can’t have him.

My mother told me she had, essentially, psychic dreams. We had Gypsy blood in our family, she told me, and as a child she dreamt of snakes for a while, they would climb in through the floor and walls. My grandfather investigated the crawl space under the house one day to find a pit of snakes under my mothers room.

When I was in my 20s I often dreamt of dating my favorite rock star. I knew his real name was PC but wasn’t sure what it stood for. In many dreams his name was Paul and we met at a dinner while with two of my friends. I met my real boyfriend exactly that way months later. At a dinner with the same friends, his name was Paul and I was madly in love with him.

It didn’t work out however. I was still a virgin and thought about waiting until marriage. We once rented a hotel room but we hit a snag and it didn’t happen. Without realizing I insulted him, it ended up being a bad time and later he admitted to sleeping with his ex and cheating on me.

He was the first to cheat on me. Honestly, pretty much every long term relationship I’ve had since, I’ve been cheated on.

This crush, well, he’s off the market because he’ll now be a baby daddy. I had only wished he had told me he was in love. I wished he would have told me, I rekindled a old flame and the timing finally worked. No, I’m getting married cuz she’s pregnant.

Just fitting that I dreamt of a barrier. I really do still enjoy him as a friend but I don’t think the friendship can grow given the circumstances.

The next day.

I feel ill. I think exercise has made me ill, plus my ridiculous dehydration, I think I left my water bottle at the gym. 😦

More than likely my coworker, who has a cold, gave it to me. But I like to blame exercise. I only slept 5 hours, I forgot to eat dinner, so yea, I’m a prime candidate for a cold right now.

Today I took pictures in a bra and g-string. It wasn’t flattering. It was down right gross. I think I look ok with my clothes on but ekk! I haven’t seen the amount of rolls on my back, the squareness of my ass or the bumpy lumpy thighs and hips. My stomach has begun to expand and start to hang.

It was a pleasant reminder of why I want to motivate myself. Eat well and exercise, you’ll drop weight and tighten up all the lumps and bumps that aren’t in the right places. 70 lbs is the goal. But for now , I think I’ll take a nap.

And I get back up… eventually

So. I was dealt a blow. I had made up a dream scenario in my head of my perfectly ever after. Today, after being teased for 3 months that it could come true, after really talking about things for a year. (No we weren’t involved but there was flirting, and obviously complications because of work). Even other people telling me it would … it was burst. “I’m getting married cuz I’m having a baby”.

Awesome. So glad to hear you’re in love. So nice that you’ve never bothered to mention her name or even that there was a her. It was a smack across my face. Here I was thinking Disney Fairy Tales while you’re apparently in your own or, you know, need to be married so your child isn’t born in sin. Whatever.

Obviously I’m hurt. I stuck my neck out for this guy. Tried to stand up for him when others didn’t. Wanted to protect him and be there for him. I wanted to be his everything but he was giving that to someone else while flirting with me.

What hurts the most is my friends were right. Here’s the second guy I’ve opened my wounded heart to, only to have him crush it again. It’s more than a crush, and it’s less than obsessive. He told me I was beautiful. It’s silly and small but it was the first compliment that felt sincere and special since my ex crushed my spirit.

I was reduced to rubble and barely getting by. Depression is hard. Feeling worthless not only because you can’t see the sun when it’s shining, but when you’ve been told for so long that you’re nothing and no one will ever want you, it becomes truth. It becomes you. It’s as if nothing ever mattered before or will again. That’s mental and emotional abuse and until you (hopefully never) experience it, you’ll never understand how much damage it does. How much pain and weight it carries. If it was physical abuse I would have needed a hospital stay and should have been in years of rehab. Instead I tried to heal myself, or really just shelter myself from the world.

I gained 50 lbs, quit doing the things I loved. Lived in a trash can of my house and just let my world slowly unravel. Day by day things were easier but some days the weight got harder, the day grew darker and the sun wouldn’t rise. But I saw the words, you’re beautiful and smart. Someone saw value in me. Someone looked at me with longing. It wasn’t over night magic. I didn’t believe it. He couldn’t be talking about me. But he was. Over and over I played it out in my head. But I couldn’t accept. It was work related. I needed to stay at arms length and be professional.

But … yet again, I pushed away and they get married to someone else. This is the second time. The first I was still with my ex. I broke it off and kicked him out of the house but he came back, told me he’d make it right. Told me all the things I longed for him to say. Then after he snarled me in his web the abuse started again. At that point my potential suitor was gone.

Tonight, I went to the gym. I did an assessment and lifted more weights than I assumed I could. I was told I don’t need to lose as much weight as I assumed- over 60lbs but not 100 as I thought. I told her I wanted a trainer. Someone to hold me accountable. To shame me and make me feel guilt. But honestly I want, and desperately need someone to tell me I’m good, that I can do it and do it well. I need encouragement and praise. I need to feel worthy and whole. I need to be able to accept that my ex abused me and people, not just one person and enter my heart and mind and soul. I can love again and I don’t have to imagine it. I just need to believe in it. That’s the hardest part. Believing in myself, standing up for myself and loving myself. I really need to start day dreaming about me. Being there for me.