Complaints

I’ll have to backtrack about the weekend but first I wanted to complain. 

This past week I saw photos from the wedding I stood in. I saw a large girl with huge arms and an overly plump face. It was me.  

In the hotel this weekend I saw my large belly flab that I couldn’t suck in or hide under a sweatshirt because it was so warm. At my parents house, I could see in the bathroom mirror when I turned around my bare butt. It wasn’t cute and round. It was flat, wide, bumpy, and had a sad overall look to it. 

On the drive home yesterday I broke it up by listening to two audio books. One about mini habits for weight loss, and the other about how one woman somehow paid off $18,000 of debt in one year with her $33,000 salary. I call bs on that one but I’m a hater and a pessimist. What can I say?

For weight loss it was, eat more Whole Foods, if you need to stuff your face do it with fruits and veggies rather than potato chips and exercise some. For saving money, don’t spend your money on shit you don’t need. 

It wasn’t mind blowing concepts. It was all do-able things. I thought, yes! I need a change! I can do this! Then I got hungry as I was driving and thought about a cheese dog and ice cream from Dairy Queen. Luckily for my waistline they were closed. 

Once I got home I was tired, warm and well tired. I had no food at home so I could shop, order in or order take out. Somehow my brain thought the most expensive option. With soup, appetizers, a large expensive entree too. $50 later I picked it up and stuffed my face while laying on the couch. 

Wtf happened to weight loss and saving money?

As soon as I came home with 3 bags of food I realized how wasteful of money and overly calorie ridden meal I’d consume. But consume it I did, well except for the soup, though I tried to eat it but my belly hurt. 

I went to bed, sluggish with a full belly and empty wallet. I woke up sluggish, bloated, tired still, over all I felt horrible and I knew it was from eating too much shitty food. 

I still had no food in my house, granted I do have oatmeal which I swore I’d start eating. I ate the soup from yesterday for breakfast with my coffee. Yes. I have no self control or self respect. I also did this in bed while I typed an agenda for a meeting. 

Before my 2 pm meeting I went to McDonalds and got a 2 cheeseburger meal because I wanted the large iced tea. I ate the burgers and large fry in 2 seconds while driving. 

After the meeting I stopped at the food co-op. Figured I could buy lettuce for a salad, maybe some items to make a fruit smoothie with the frozen fruit I have. I ended up with some carrot cake and a PB&J sandwich I just devoured. 

But I told myself I’d type out my shame here. Explain to myself why I weigh 250 lbs. and try to find the motivation to even make a mini habit to break my eating and spending habits. 

Good luck to me. 

Rant over. 

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Sweets

Featured photo: my salad from an event yesterday. 

I’ve always had a sweet tooth. All my life I’ve loved candy, cake, anything really. 

Today is no different. 

Last night I was invited to a formal dinner. It started with shots in a hotel room, beer and booze, then came the formal dinner but before the dancing began, the group was back in the hotel room taking shots. Somehow we made it to a couple bars before shutting the night down. 

Needless to say today was not easy. I had breakfast at noon with friends and somehow the headache came after that. I got jimmy johns with a coke for dinner delivered. 

A few days ago I saw a tv show where the character couldn’t stop searching for the perfect key lime pie. They ate bite after bite of key lime pie just to dump it because it wasn’t good enough. Watching that was torture. I went out to find something similar at the local bakery but only found a custard filled doughnut. It wasn’t even that good. 

I know I binged on  beer and lunch and dinner in the past two days. I’m also down a few pounds for the first time in a while. I’ve been attempting more exercise, trying to think about what I eat and drinking far more water than ever before. 

So, with that in mind, I’m dying for key lime pie. I’ve thought about the freezer section of the grocery store. I’ve thought how easy it would be to hop in my car and get some. To finally answer that nagging call for sweet tangy creamy dessert.

But instead I think of my diet, and my goal, and how I’d feel better without my massive thighs and big tummy. So I just agonize over how much I want pie but continually deny myself. Part of me is proud and part of me is highly annoyed. 

I hope that if I continue to deny myself the sweets that I’ll eventually lose my cravings. Let’s just hope it doesn’t lead to binging on a whole pie one day.