Hello October

Featured photo: an old desk I’m repurposing into a makeup vanity. 

October 1st was a beautiful day. It started chilly, warmed up with full sun to high 60s and ended on a cold note. But it was fantastic. 

I woke at 6:30 am and procrastinated in bed until almost 9. I thought, coffee first, and attempted to do almost anything to avoid mowing the lawn. I even thought about getting on here to talk about my procrastination skills. Instead I bit the bullet and mowed. My lawn, for a city property is actually pretty big. It takes me about 40 minutes to mow it. That doesn’t include trimming or sweeping or raking, cuz let’s be real, I don’t do any of that. 

After the lawn I wrestled this old, real wood desk out of my house to sand it. I bought it from an online post for $40. Usually I don’t like to paint wood, but it needed some touch up and I wasn’t about to re-stain the whole thing. Lots of sanding and 4 cans of spray paint later it was done. Now I’m under the covers with paint fumes invading my bedroom. I’ve got the window wide open hoping to air out the space but my lungs aren’t too pleased. 

I didn’t do laundry or clean the bathroom. I did clean out the sink but it’s filled with dirty dishes again.  I was planning on eating every meal at home, I talked myself out of take out, I had cooked dinner when a friend asked me out to dinner. So, not one to refuse I covered dinner up in plastic wrap and went out. $30 later I was overly full and my calories were triple what I had prepared for dinner. Fuck, I still have corn on the cob in the microwave. :/ 

My period is late by almost 2 weeks. I know I’m not pregnant but I don’t understand. I’ve gone through the motions. My normal ups and downs of emotions and physical symptoms. I’ve just been waiting and waiting, knowing the minute I don’t wear black undies or back up it will strike. Seriously if you’re a dude you will never understand the fear that you bled through your pants. That you’ll wreck another pair of panties, that you’ll leave a bloodstain on your sheets/blanket/mattress or pillow. It’s damn annoying. 

Ok. I’m going to chug my sleepy time tea. Hopefully pass out then finish up work and decorate my yard for Halloween. I’m seriously behind schedule. Only 30 days til Halloween!!!

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Corn Maze!

Featured photo: the corn was so short this year, in my memory of 10 years going to the corn maze, it’s the first time they needed a covering to block your view. 

Today was a day I was waiting for. I hadn’t gone to see IT and our annual corn maze outting. The corn was short, we could see over the blocking they put up and we didn’t bother with the petting barn or hay maze or hay ride. It was nice to be in the sun tho. 

Tomorrow I have a list of to-dos a mile long. We’ll see how far I get through them. I started pulling out makeup to put in my desk. I found so much that I would wear if I had remembered I had it. Go figure. 

It would figure, the Perfect place for the vanity is 1.5″ too small. If I cut off the molding and created a box shape to the desk it Might fit. But I’m not sure that I could make it look good. It’s a tricky thought. 

Tomorrow I also need to start working on a handmade piece of my Halloween costume and a homemade Halloween decoration. That will actually be quite a bit of designing. Fun. 

Ok. I feel like I may have had something profound to say when I started typing but I’m not sure that I do. I guess if I remember I’ll keep you updated. 

Ps. My period app is telling me I’m 8 days late for my period. I know I’m not prego but wtf?

Home

There’s nothing quite like coming home after being away. Especially if you have a dog that can’t stop wiggling his butt after he sees you. The cats show their excitement in their own way. Mostly by small cries and a giant act to make you think they are so over you. It’s quite the production. 

They found cat nip toys in one of my bags and started ripping open the package. Once they each had a toy I was pretty much invisible. 

But hey, the dog is still wagging his butt in excitement for my return!

A happy homecoming after the clouds hid the sun away all day. 

Appreciate the sun rise

Just imagine a string of curse words… that is how I would start this post off except I’ll keep it PG 13. I’ll get back to why, but first its the backlog.

It’s been a month since I last posted. I meant to post every day of my year being 37 and I’ve already missed out on 30 or more of those opportunities that I’ll never get back.

The real point of this journey – for me anyhow – is to appreciate each day. Find a moment in a snapshot and talk about it.

I’m coming to terms with the fact that I suffered from depression as a child. I didn’t know what suicide was until Kurt Cobain was found dead and the word was all over the news, radio, magazines. Everywhere. But I realized I had thought about it by the time I was 12, before I knew it had a name. I had a very good upbringing by normal standards. I had food, both parents, siblings, a house to live in. By some standards I had it really good. That doesn’t mean there weren’t issues.

When I was 17 I was in a car crash that killed my cousin’s grandmother and split my second vertebra in two. I was temporarily paralyzed for a week before I had a Halo Vest screwed into my skull. In the end – I am a fully functional 37 year old. I’m still here and I still have full mobile ability of my body. I am extremely fortunate and lucky. That doesn’t mean I take advantage of my life every single moment I have been granted since I was 17.

Two years ago my relationship of 4 years deteriorated and then a wrecking ball finished off what was left.In the wreckage I was still attempting to crawl out when my beloved best friend, my cat of 12 years was dying of cancer. Two months after the hardest goodbye I’ve made thus far, I had to put my other cat to sleep, as he too had cancer. For the next year I made the mistake of clinging to my ex, who I hadn’t realized, had been emotionally abusive for some time.

Now I’m not here for pity, I’m not here to grieve, that time has passed. I’m here because like every time before, I’ve been lucky enough to crawl back out of that pit called depression and see the sun rise again. After the breakup and my two cats death I gained over 40 lb, on top of already being overweight. I laid in bed most days and only left it to get something to eat. Usually bringing the plate to bed with me and just pushing it aside to go back to sleep. My hair started to thin, my nails started to become brittle and cracked and broke off. I had the worst lower back pain, sometimes to the point I couldn’t move. I was 35-36 years old.

I got past it, I lost 20 lbs. I started listening to music I loved again, went to a few concerts, flirted with men again, spent a zillion dollars on a Chiropractor that really helped my back. But then November hit. I really didn’t think this political war in America would affect me the way it did. I started spending hours in my bathtub. Just soaking in the water to the point I almost would fall asleep and made myself get out so I didn’t drown by accident. I didn’t go outside, I stopped exercising, I started ordering out all the time. Cooking, which I enjoy, seemed a burden. Suddenly, in February I realized I had gained the 20 lbs back plus some.

Thankfully, I’d realized this sooner than before. Depression had hit me yet again, out of left field and even though we’ve known each other my whole life, I didn’t recognize it. The weight gain, the constant eating to the point of feeling pain of being so full, the disorder and chaos of my house every day being too overwhelming to deal with, the lack of wanting to go outside or see friends, the constant procrastination… the list could go on but at the time I didn’t notice any of it.

Even my adorable town. The first few years I lived here I couldn’t stop talking about how I got to live in Vacation land. Everyone else just comes to visit but I get to live here. It truly is beautiful. Yet the other day when someone from out of town mentioned the view, I complained about it. He was stunned and said, ‘yea I suppose you see it every day’ and I still complained.

The next day when it was cloudy and cold, I thought about that view. I hadn’t take the time to appreciate how beautiful it was. I only saw a grey sky even on a bright blue sunny day. That’s when I realized I need a change.

We’re not promised every day. And if I died tonight – what did I do with my 37 years? Lay in bed and complain about the sunshine? Be sad that I gained too much weight and was kinda anti-social?

Nope – Today I saw the sunrise, I appreciated it. And as for that line of curse words in the beginning of this post… Well I’m attempting to complete a 30 days of abs, arms, and squats, and I had just done 50 squats. Well worth swearing over!

Like they say, after you work out you feel even better. Its true and I need to remember that. You feel better after seeing the sun, getting fresh air, walking your dog, waving at a neighbor or just saying hello and smiling at someone passing by. It really isn’t what you don’t have, or think you can’t do. Its doing what you can and appreciating what you have that brings you happiness. I’ve always been one to say I’d be happy when ____ , fill in the blank. Instead I need to be happy now. I need to appreciate my body and my journey and honor it by treating it right! Exercise and good food.

It hasn’t been that I don’t have time for this blog or the gym. I haven’t made time. Hopefully I can get back on track to the road of sunshine. One day at a time.