Growing pains

My lower back is hurting. This is nothing new but its a different type of pain, more of a constant ache.

I started going to a chiropractor over a year ago. It did wonders. I used to have this pain in my lower back that prevented me from moving. It would be paralyzing almost- I feared movement, even to roll out of bed because of the shooting pains in my back.

After multiple snap sessions – like 80 zillion, my back was basically new. Now I only go once every two weeks and I’m not sure if the pain is coming back because I’m not going as much or just because I’m not moving. Perhaps both.

I am so sedentary. For a while there I was doing Yoga, going to the gym, walking my dog. Life was grand. Now work is so busy I’m glued to a chair and desk staring at a computer for 12 hours of my day. The time at my parents didn’t help but the increasing pain in my back started a few weeks ago.

Now I fear it may be part of a UTI. And if everything is inflamed in there – I’m sure my back is screaming alongside it.

I have antibiotics that were prescribed for my rosacea but they can be used for UTIs so I’m giving it a go. We’ll see how it goes for a week.

Black Friday was a few days ago. To celebrate I bought some glass tile to finally do my kitchen backsplash. A new cat fountain motor, a treat for my dog and something else that isn’t terribly exciting. None of it was on sale. More so I just ordered what was in my cart on Amazon.

I also ordered a 6 month membership to a local Yoga studio. It was a ridiculously good deal but very expensive none the less. Now I just need to find the time to go and make sure I’m using my pricy unlimited membership

Then I got home and decided F it. I’m going to be an adult and be exciting and go nuts on Black Friday. Though at that point it was Sunday but regardless – I spent $1,400 dollars that I don’t have to spend. Wacky Wild Go Crazy me! Ya, I got a new washer and dryer.

Seriously. I bought a new washer and dryer. But it is exciting. Still boring white but they should be more efficient. Hopefully I won’t fear my dryer catching on fire and burning my house down now. They also have this Steam option that is supposed to get the smell out of clothing. Exciting. Non Smelly clothes. I mean that’s the dream right?

Yea. Wacky Wild Adulthood. It’s almost 10 pm. I’m going to bed cuz my back hurts and I’m tired. Sigh.

This is why I’m single. hah

PS. my neighbor tried to introduce me to a boy. I acted like a jackass and ignored him while attempting to get my dog – I mean, not my fault my dog was being a jackass and not listening to me – but here is my sweet neighbor trying to introduce me and I’m just a jackass… Barg.

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Being single in a sea of married couples

I know I’m not the last single person on the planet but at times it can feel that way. The loneliness isn’t the issue, its having every other coupled human feeling sad for you and reminding you how alone you are. Its getting the fact drilled back at you – you know you could get with this pathetic other loser who is alone and can’t seem to find anyone else to co-mingle with. Gee thanks, but I’m good, PS. you’re an Asshole.

That exact conversation hasn’t happened but I wish at least I could muster the part about calling people out. For instance my friend just got married. She had a ridiculously small wedding, close friends and family. She called me out when she played Single Ladies and said – you’re the ONLY SINGLE LADY HERE. You’re the only one not married so you have to dance to this – its your song!

I know she thought she was being hilarious – but she was being a flaming bitch.

Other friends like to point out how Sad it is that I’ll be spending a Christmas alone – ALONE! Fuck really? Am I alone? Oh Jesus let me get out the noose and find a step stool. Thanks jackass.

Why are married couples so dead set on pointing out the failures of single people? Why can’t people be single, be alone, and happy? Why can’t they just be?

Granted the same friend that is so upset I am alone is also a raging bitch when I talk about people I’m interested in or me thinking about hooking up with someone – but apparently I’m “Too Old” for one night stands. Oh Damn, I didn’t see that one in the rule book on life.

On the other hand – I’ve heard time and time again you are attracted to someone like your parents. It happened in my last relationship.

At first there were several red flags but I was so happy to be in a relationship I didn’t care. I wanted the relationship first and the companion second. I thought if I just brushed them aside that it could work – that things would change or maybe I could just change. Live and learn right?

Things were never great, things were always on the verge of disaster- but there was so much going on in both our lives. I was starting a new chapter in my life – I got the internship I was hoping for and just graduated college. He was coming back to college or err leaving college? I don’t remember. He wanted to go out West and begin his own new beginning. I wanted to stay planted and see what my internship could lead to.

In the end – 5 years down the road – he still wanted a new beginning elsewhere and I still wanted to remain planted. I was still making more money than him, we both had careers but I bought a house, got a dog, was raising his cats, had responsibilities and was 35 wanting to start a family. He was a man child with daddy issues and daydreams that were in the stars.

Things had been bad for years. I would think/talk about leaving him but my friends all said – you have to work, relationships are hard. They would tell me I needed to try harder. I needed to change.

I did change. By the end of our dying relationship -I was a shell of my former self. A weak, spent, overly manipulated shell trying to please everyone but myself. I was so broken I believed my ex when he told me I needed to sell my house and get rid of the cats he left me with, and my dog, because I could never make it on my own.

Granted I had been making it on my own while supporting  him along the way and the bastard had broken my spirit so far that I believed him that I couldn’t survive without him.

Today, as I sat here with my Mom and Dad I realize how my ex was with me is the same as how my Dad treats my Mom. He is mean, never kind, he treats her like dirt yet makes her wait on him hand and foot but also says things to her in a way that makes her feel like she is stupid. He ignores her when he wants but how dare she not be listening and obeying his every word. My Dad is a horrible person to my Mom. My Mom only wants to help, her every fiber in her body is to help you -get you food, get you something to drink, let me take the dog out, do your laundry etc.

I chose to cook, I told her I’d let the dog out – I would be an adult and she was almost sad. Her whole life has simply been as a maid, cook and butler to my father. I saw my own life while I was with my ex as that person. The exact same.

I wish I could take my Mom out of the situation – but I don’t know that she would experience the same joy as I did when I finally realized I was free of a giant leach draining me of money, time, and emotional energy. I love my Dad cuz he is my Dad and at times I dislike him for how shitty he treats my Mother.

It also makes me realize how happy I am to be alone. I know not all people are bad but honestly – its better to be on my own and supporting myself than on my hands and knees pleading for the support of someone else. The statement that I need to “Get yourself a Man” makes me want to punch people in the face. I’m very capable of buying, owning and maintaining a house – which I am doing, without a “Man”. I have a career which is pretty damn good and I dunno what more I could be doing if I had “a Man” in my life. Now a partner, a best friend, a baby daddy even – that could be pretty good – but I don’t need a fucking Man in my life to merely get by.  I’m doing pretty good on my own just being a female.

Friday the 13th

They say another Friday the 13th won’t happen in October until 2023 or something. I’ll be 43. Sigh. 

My day was fine. I met with my hot electricians mother. Now this may seem weird or maybe you have no idea what I’m talking about. There was an extremely hot electrician that I was having bid on work for a project my company was putting together. He thought the work would be too much and never make the project, then texted me at 6 am asking if I wanted to get naked. I sssumed he just sent the text to the wrong person but he admitted (with a slew of compliments) that it was for me while he was drunk. And the question became, who is still drunk at 5 am? Usually I’m long pasted out at that point. 

Unfortunately my company was still interested in his bid, so I did not pursue him personally though the flirting (mutually) continued. For 1/2 year. Until he stopped texting me. The contracts were signed, work to be started and he was no where to be seen. His business is family owned. That’s where his mom gets involved. I’ve spoken with her quite a few times. And I’ve met her multiple times. Shes told me all about the family. Praising and explains that the son I had been dealing with had no children and wasn’t married. Excellent. 

Unfortunately it was in the news 2 weeks ago, he was arrested for several things, mostly possession of cocain. COCAIN. wtf. 

I had to make a very awkward call to his mother asking if the business would be ok and such. We got through it. She was pleasant. I felt horrible for asking. I really like his mom and his brother. His dad is ridiculously handsome for being older. That honestly has nothing to do with the rest but it’s still a legit statement. 

Yesterday I met her and she asked that we take a ride to another project site. While In my vehicle she told me all about how she became a master electrician. That she was one of the first in the State of Michigan. I now had even more respect for her. Then she brought up her son. She said she saw him and he looks a ton better. I wanted to ask what’s going to happen? Will he go to Prison? Is he still in jail? Was the cocain his? Wtf? But there’s work and there’s personal life and as damning as it is I really try to keep them separate. Plus, I just had a crush on her son. I dreamt I’d marry him but honestly we’re not even “friends”. Yet somehow I’m remarkably sad that this has happened. 

We stopped back to her car and I kept talking to her, somehow managing to bring him back up and her to talk. I remember saying, “Is he…” I wasn’t even sure how I could finish the question, or which question to ask but luckily she knew. She looked me in the eyes and said point blank, “My son has had a cocain problem for sometime”. 

Immediatly I could feel my face contorting to a look of shock mixed with sorrow. I think I softly said, I didn’t know, while looking at the ground. She told me he’s still in jail, she won’t bail him out but things are looking good for him and he’s looking better. His mood has improved and he is more positive. He immediatly asked about his two small newphews. He perked up when she started talking about the project because that is his life and he loves it. 

She told me she doesn’t know when he got into it or how. That his girlfriend had a problem with alcohol and they had recently broken up. He went downhill from there. Then with him in Milwaukee. She just really wasn’t sure what happened. 

She looked me in the eye a few more times, almost trying to find the answers for herself if I was a user. I don’t remember what she was saying but it was more of a mothers look, are you in trouble? Did you start this trouble? I remember looking away and talking softly again saying how much he helped me understand his scope. That we were texting a lot. I knew he was in Milwaukee, he had told me. 

In the end she told me, she saw her son in there, the old personality, caring about his family and the business and not hallowed out and robotic. I told her I was really happy, really good to hear he’s doing well. She told me it would be a year before he’s back. He’s staying in jail then going to rehab. 

It was a good conversation. It was one that isn’t between contractor and their sub. But that’s how it’s been all along. I really like this family. Maybe more than I should. 

Maybe it wasnt a spooky haunted Friday the 13th. Or maybe it was. I just can’t spend a year thinking about the one guy who I clicked with so immediatly. The one I share so many interests with. The one who understands the stresses of my job. The one who we started a disagreement and both got slightly heated with a misunderstanding but quickly resolved it. The one who was nothing like my ex. The one who loves kids and wants a family now. The one who I can’t stop thinking about when he’d keep stealing glances at me during a meeting and said my name every single time he’d say goodbye. 

Fuck man. 

Busy

I’ve been so busy with work. Yesterday I was up until 11 pm writing contracts. Today I started work at 7:30 and chatted with a co-worker until 4:30p when another coworker suggested getting dinner. I got noting done. We laughed, we discussed work, it was a good time. I’m now in bed and thinking about the cute boy I met today. Just through work but he was cute. Not hot like the electrician but cute. 

I also heard news about the electrician. When we first reached out to him, my coworker got his vm. It was a girl’s voice. He was in Cancun with his gf. Sooo just before I met him he had a gf. News to me. 

This new guy I’ll see tomorrow but I don’t know if I’ll see him after. I know I’ve seen him on match or tinder before. He’s adorable like a teddy bear. Every time I’d steal glances at him, I noticed he’d look back at me. Cute!

We’ll see if anything comes from it. 

A good streak

Featured photo: a flower I was given today 

A month ago a very attractive boy spent a few hours chatting with me and telling me he liked me. A week ago a sub asked me if I wanted to get naked. Today a chubby teenager bought me a shot. I’m flattered Universe. Truly I am. But let’s look into the big picture, the long haul… but legit my ego needed the stroking and I appreciate it. 

I can’t keep recapping my sext from a guy I deem hot… or can I? 

Point being I’ve blogged about all this before. Except for today. Today I saw the hot electrician. He was somehow more hot, more adorable, just more. Swoon. We pretended nothing happened and he left quickly. 

I needed a drink after work. Of course,to chat about all this. 

My friend and I go to the local bar. Nothing fancy, just a local bar that is usually mellow. Not today, it was packed. We said we’d only have one drink there and move on. While we were attempting to talk, a obviously drunken young male interrupts our conversation to ask what some fruity shots were. Immediately I was interested in the challenge. I bartended for a few years in college and at Weddings girls would always want some “fruity” drink. This is an obnoxious request. The issue being, I have no idea what you like, what you think I’ll make you, and I’m not about to have you tell me it’s gross and refuse to pay. Luckily I had a couple recipes that seemed to be drunk girl approved for the situation. 

So, I start digging back into my brain. I mentioned one and told him what was in it. He said, that sounds weak. I said then order some damn whiskey!

He continued with his plight for a fruity shot. Finally one was chosen… and then he gave them to us. 

Now, I’ll say, slick move bro. You got into our conversation, you ordered us a drink we wanted and hooked us cuz you didn’t give us the chance to shoot you down and save your money. Now I felt obligated to talk to him but let’s be real. Sorry dude but I’m still not interested and buying me a not “weak” shot isn’t going to help. I’m not that drunk. 

He attempted to buy me another drink or even order me a water, which was sweet of him. I really did feel bad attempting to be nice but also trying to show him there was nothing happening. My friend was chatting it up with someone else. We had a bit of a conversation by kicking each other under the table. I knew she knew I wanted an out but she was talking to a friend who was leaving town. 

When we said we were leaving he asked where? Like, what? After all the signs you’re still trying? One shot can’t take you that far! Luckily we left and he didn’t follow. Oh yea, and he was the fat 12 year old. Cruel I know, but he was just so young. His pushiness made him less attractive. 

Her husband joined us later and dissected my sext from the hot electrician. It was everything I knew and didn’t want to believe. For him to be that bold, he just wanted sex. He called it, ‘humped and dumped’. 

He thinks we both handled the text professionally. And obviously if any things going to happen it needs to start very slow. 

So, as much as I pictured our wedding and two children, it’s back to the drawing boards. Hmm. Maybe I’m the fat 12 year old, trying to get the gold medal by just being wishful based on a drunken rouse. 

But it was a good laugh and still an ego boost for me. I feel like I haven’t been hit on in years and now 3 times within a month. May sound like how many times you get hit on in an hour, but I rarely go out. I stay in a corner talking to my friend, all my friends are married so I don’t have a wingman. Other times we just hang out at someone’s house. So it’s a big deal for me. 

I’ve also walked my dog 7 times this week. Today will be number 8. It feels really good. 2 miles each time but yesterday was 3 miles. I’m really hoping I can start to drop some weight and continue to increase my confidence. It’s a good feeling. 

Bats in my belfry

It’s been 2 years since my relationship crumbled. 2 years since I’ve even kissed anyone. It’s strange to think about. 

I’ve never been a big dater. I go from relationship to dry spell to relationship. But being older, fatter, and a hermit (I like to poke fun at myself) decreases your luck of a new date. I’ve been trying, thinking about what I wear and putting on make-up rather than rolling out of bed and putting on anything that appeared clean, wrinkled or not. I’ve been on the dating sites, gone on a few dates, but this town is small and the online dating pool is even smaller. 

Friday I worked from Starbucks. Excited a young cute fellow with a charming southern accent asked if the seat next to me was taken. I attempted small talk for a minute but he was wrapped up in his iPad. 

Friday night I saw the new movie Life with married friends. The theater was empty. Saturday, I had brunch with the same married couple, then went to an RV/outdoor rec expo. I attempted to smile at any man in sight, but everyone is wrapped up in their phone, or friends, or obviously with a significant other, that communication doesn’t really happen between people. 

At one point my friend was talking to a sales guy, and his personality was charming. I stared at him, almost willing him to look at me. I inspected every detail of his face. His hair-do, it was different and suited his face, his framed glasses that were unique, the strands of grey/silver hair throughout his head, I couldn’t distinguish an age though his face was youthful.  I inspected all of it while obviously staring like a full on stalker, being annoyed he didn’t once glance at me. Now, part of me being such a creeper, and quite obvious to it, is the fact that he was a sales person. I’d be a horrific sales person. But you know their game, firm eye contact with their prey, making them feel like the only person who matters, which is why I assumed I’d get away with my extreme gaze. 

At the end of the conversation, his focus still locked on my married friend, who also was the person with intentions of purchasing something, he said goodbye and  as we all turned to walk away he quickly turned to me and said, I like your Misfits shirt. 

WTF. All that time. Staring at him, inspecting his every detail, trying to find a wedding ring, or lack there of (that hand was in a pocket). Thinking he hadn’t even noticed I was awkwardly standing by. But, I like your band tshirt, means little right?

Let me break it down, as I tend to over analyze everything. 

1. The Misfits are well known and not. They were/are an underground garage horror punk band from late 70s/early 80s. They weren’t really around long before Danzig got moody and decided to go solo. People have a cult following to the band, numerous bands have covered their songs, the skull logo, or Crimson ghost, is easily recognized, tho some people may not know what it’s for but I’m sure they’ll say they’ve seen it. Also the band kinda got back together in the 2000s, and just last year Danzig and 2 original (if you count Doyle as original but let’s not get picky…) performed 2 shows, one of which I was at. Now I’m going on a tangent. My point is, the band isn’t for everyone tho many may recognize it. 

2. He acknowledged my band tshirt. Is he a fan? Was it just a compliment to the shirt? The band? The person in the shirt? 

3. Was it still just a -I’m a likable guy, I like your friends, buy something from me ploy?

As we walked away my friend said, You should have given him your number! And I thought, What!?!

Dating before, it was all about slipping someone your number. There was no internet dating, social media, nothing. If you liked someone you could attempt to set up a meeting spot, if not connect on the spot, or give them your digits and pray you were home or an answering machine was around. Ok let’s be legit, by the time I was 20 I had a cell phone and before that I had a pager. Still it was a cut throat world. (I’m being dramatic I know, go with it)

How tho, in this day and age do you give someone, in passing, your number? Do you walk around with scraps of paper, prime to distribute? Do you hand out business cards randomly? How? Especially when they make one comment towards you at the end of a conversation? And did anyone see a ring? What about a girlfriend? How would we know?

Am I getting too crazy? Welcome to my brain.  How does one ask out someone now a days? How did we ever? It was different meeting someone in High school or college. Meeting friends of friends or being wasted at a bar and dancing up on someone until you’re in a corner making out and finally exchange numbers, and first names… that was easy. But now, in our late 30s with our phones applied directly in front of our faces, when we text and are surprised when our phones rings- who calls anymore anyway? – when we hit the bar less, go to bed early and wake up early and rarely do anything late, how do people meet?

I was excited that he spoke to me after purposefully assuming he wouldn’t. Is that just because I assumed he wouldn’t? Was it made more exciting by my friend thinking it was something? I immediately felt like a teenager and a boy I liked just punched me in the arm. I don’t know how to take it. I giggled and said no way I’d give him my number … but why?

As any good single lady of the late 2010s (do we have a name for this decade? You can’t just call it the 10s, and soon we’ll be in the 20’s but 1920 was ONLY 100 years ago. We’re more clever than that..aren’t we?) … can you tell I’m half asleep? My brain is wandering… anyway I got home and quickly googled searched him. 

Easy enough, I knew where he worked and his first name. Told you this town was small. His FB is a work profile. I browsed the white pages and an address listed is 2 blocks from me (if that’s accurate/recent). He’s 1 year older than me and no mention of family but no mention of the lack there of either. 

Is that creepy that I learned all that? Again it was a 10 sec google search. 

Part of me thinks, I could send a FB note. I could reach out to him, but all from a “I like your tshirt” comment? It’s esssntially the same as a craigslist missed connections ad right? Only this time you know the intended audience will see it. 

I dated a guy once from essentially the same situation. He stood behind while at a bar and said, “Hey Phil Collins” referring to the music playing. I had said the same to my friend at the same time and we acknowledged that Phil Collins is awesome (I mean duh). We chatted enough for him to tell me where he worked, I googled him and wrote him an email. He ended up being pretty crazy and we dated for a few months, he’s a whole different chapter for another time tho. 

Sigh. I’m kinda torn on where to go from here Mr. tshirt sales guy (he wasn’t selling tshirts lol). 

Featured Picture: Picture of a bat Halloween decoration on my porch. Yes, it’s March and he’s been up there since 2013