Friends sex and relationships

I hate talking about sex with my friends. I’m a private person and I enjoy my privacy. I also believe in sex with relationships. I’ve had a few one night stands and I haven’t enjoyed them. I’d rather make love than get fucked.

My friends instead talk about men based on the size of their dicks rather than the size of their brain or heart. In the construction world I fight to be judged on the size of my brain rather than the size of my tits. Perhaps this is what they don’t understand.

This weekend my friend had to mention several times about the size of her husbands penis. In front of him, in a restaurant with another friend at the table. Then he asked me if I wanted to know more about it. This wasn’t part of the conversation or like they are swingers or a joke. It was, my husbands dick is huge. Everyone needs to know.

WTF.

Then, while I’d appreciate a girls weekend, my friend took over my tinder to find me a man. Mind you I’m visiting 6 hours away from where I live.

She was upset I was honest and told him I was only in town for the weekend. She wanted us to hang out with him last night. Am I wrong for being mad? I wanted to see my friends, not go on a date with a dude. Especially not a group date of my friends with him. How awkward.

The one piece I realize I’ve been holding back from my friends. I’m terrified of being abused again. I’m terrified of dating. I’m slightly scared of sex. My ex hurt me mentally. He didn’t beat me or molest me but he made me feel dirty, wrong and bad about sex. He made me feel stupid and useless as a person. It’s taken me longer to admit that and you can’t quite solve a problem you don’t know existed. Harder to explain to your friends why you don’t want to date yet still feel lonely. Even more so you don’t care to talk about sex or enjoy it casually after all that.

I realized it this morning. While asleep on the couch. I realized why I’m obsessed with electron. He told me he thought I was smart and beautiful. Something I craved to hear from my ex but never got. I feel safe with him but only because he was able to crack my shell with the words I’ve longed for, for years. I don’t know him, he just got out of jail and rehab and yet he’s the person I’d hand my life to and ask him to save me, while I build a bunker between my friends who don’t seem to understand me anymore.

I think I may need to go back to a therapist. But at least I’m getting down to the root of the problem.

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Work and sex

Featured Image: part of the coast guard ship in the harbor

Just last night I was on here, about to put fingers to keyboard, digital letters to computer screen… but then I got a text.

I was about to talk about how proud I was that I had been walking my dog. Each day of the weekend, even though Saturday I had a mild hangover. Monday night and especially Tuesday night after a 13 hour work day which included 8 hours of exhausting driving. I was so excited I might be making a new healthier habit for myself. Even if it is just walking but I’m walking every day – 2 miles.

But that wasn’t very interesting once I saw my phone.

If you hadn’t seen my previous post, I’ll recap.

I work in construction. I am a female construction manager. We are currently developing a project in my hometown. It can be intimidating at times being the only female on a job project in a sea of men. I’ve seen them stare at my boobs instead of listen to me talk. I’ve heard them talk behind my back when I walk past. I am not so hot that I get every man’s attention, but, as they say, and to be very cliche, men will be men.

On the flip side, if you will, I am a female with a sea of men. Not many of them are attractive or my age, but every once in awhile some man comes along that is attractive, witty, fun, caring, and supportive. I may be flirtatious but I have NEVER done anything with a co-worker or subcontractor. I’ve been single for over 2 years now. I’m finally over my ex, and the abuse he put me through. I’ve finally gotten my self-esteem back. I’m wearing make-up and thinking about my outfits. Even though I’m almost 250 lbs, I’m 5’9″ and am lucky to carry it proportionately, though I’ve been told I have huge boobs and a huge ass.

I met with a potential subcontractor a few weeks ago. I was pretty proud of my make up and my outfit choice. The person I had spoken to on the phone sounded young and attractive but I am usually wrong. This time I wasn’t. As soon as I entered his office I felt like we both did a double take. He was my age, amazing blue eyes and very attractive. There was awkward chit chat and he made a big deal of clearing off his desk to discuss the plans. I asked him about his dog. I remember smiling and giggling.  After a few weeks he agreed to go on a walk through to tour the sites.

Everything was typical. I told him what I’d like him to price up. How I’d like him to install things and asked him for his expertise and thoughts on the best way. The last site was a campground and there was a dog. I remember talking to the dog more than him, thinking the poor old dog was abandoned since there were no owners in site. At one point the old fella took off running after moving very slowly and I realized he was chasing a squirrel. While my potential subcontractor was discussing his thoughts for the project I just pointed at the dog and said, “HA Squirrel!” like some strange dog cartoon from a pixar movie. He looked at me and laughed, somehow we finished the conversation we needed to have.

I forced a handshake and to say Thank you. I remember leaving his office, weeks before, by just turning around and walking out. I’m bad about goodbyes when I’m nervous. He asked me if I was done with him and I said, Yes. I knew he thought his prices would be far too high for what we were attempting to do, but he didn’t know the extent behind what we were doing. The dog hopped in his truck with him, which is when I realized the dog I had been telling to find its owner, well, his owner was with us all along.

15 hours later at 6:30am I received a text. “Wanna get naked” followed by “Nothing wrong with two nerds making each other shake”.

Slightly hung over I looked at it, smiled at the thought, because it was from this subcontractor I had just walked with. The one that I made sure my make-up was perfect and tried on a few different shirts before settling on one that showed more skin that I would typically wear around contractors. And I set the phone back down waiting for the text stating that it was the wrong number. Instant apologizes and excuses. I thought about the girl he meant to text. Not a girlfriend, this was someone new, someone he hadn’t slept with before. Maybe a girl he had gone on a date with before? Someone who had gotten to 2nd base but not all the way? Lucky girl regardless… but at 6:30 in the morning? Who made crack of dawn booty calls?

I waited… but no return text.

I looked over that message a 1000 times and shared it with friends who thought maybe I was the person it was intended for. The thought was exciting and brilliant. I couldn’t get the thought out of my head of having sex with him. The thought of us dating and getting married and it all stemming from a steamy text. I know I’m getting ahead of myself but as I mentioned – I’ve been single for over 2 years. I’ve gone on a few pointless dates – one that brought me a second date but it still wasn’t a great date.

I decided to text back something flirty – something to show I’m interested but also something that lets me off the hook if it wasn’t intended for me. I thought I’d text it back first thing Monday morning – maybe he would think it was my work phone and I didn’t check it over the weekend. But after I sent it… nothing. No text back, no acknowledgement. I started to think I shouldn’t have been so flirty in my text, that somehow it could be held against me.

During my work day I was in several meetings in which they talked about how I would be walking him through for different quotes for work. His business is a little more specific. I thought, how will I get through this if he never responds to me again? Did I upset him somehow? I had no idea.

Then, Tuesday night – almost 40 hours after I texted him, I get a response. He thanked me for giving him an easy out but then bared his soul saying he was drunk and lonely. He was a sucker for sparkling eyes, a great smile and humble intelligence. He thanked me for not making him feel like an idiot.

I immediately texted back that he wasn’t an idiot – more so that we had to continue working together. It was more business than I wanted to text him – especially after the compliments. A cute, smart, successful guy was not only complimenting me but he wanted to have sex with me. Me, a 250 lb train wreck of a person… well the 250 lb part he could see but perhaps I hide the fact I’m a train wreck…

He told me work would be fine and then I said that the text had me smiling all weekend. I hoped it was enough to let him know I was interested but work was complicated. I spoke with him today and we both rushed the conversation, stepping on each others words. I’m attempting to set up another walk through, a way I’d be able to see him again.

It’s ridiculous that I think about feminism all the time. I think about how men treat me on the job site and some of the rude things I’ve heard them say. I think about these things and how I was essentially sexted by a potential subcontractor and I’m over the moon about it.

My friends are telling me to go for him and not accept his bid. They understand that I can’t have an intimate relationship with someone I’m attempting to bid on my project. They are excited for me to have someone that is attracted to me and nice, and I’m equally if not more attracted to him.

How do you deal with it all? Here I am trying not to combine sex and work but its really hard. And who is this guy that is so bold to ask if I want to get naked with him but so vulnerable to admit he was drunk and lonely. All I want to do is have sex with him and cuddle and make us both feel better about life. Now I need to figure out my next steps. It was far more easy when I could tell myself that text wasn’t for me. But now that I know it was for me… now that’s the hard part.