I know I’m not the last single person on the planet but at times it can feel that way. The loneliness isn’t the issue, its having every other coupled human feeling sad for you and reminding you how alone you are. Its getting the fact drilled back at you – you know you could get with this pathetic other loser who is alone and can’t seem to find anyone else to co-mingle with. Gee thanks, but I’m good, PS. you’re an Asshole.
That exact conversation hasn’t happened but I wish at least I could muster the part about calling people out. For instance my friend just got married. She had a ridiculously small wedding, close friends and family. She called me out when she played Single Ladies and said – you’re the ONLY SINGLE LADY HERE. You’re the only one not married so you have to dance to this – its your song!
I know she thought she was being hilarious – but she was being a flaming bitch.
Other friends like to point out how Sad it is that I’ll be spending a Christmas alone – ALONE! Fuck really? Am I alone? Oh Jesus let me get out the noose and find a step stool. Thanks jackass.
Why are married couples so dead set on pointing out the failures of single people? Why can’t people be single, be alone, and happy? Why can’t they just be?
Granted the same friend that is so upset I am alone is also a raging bitch when I talk about people I’m interested in or me thinking about hooking up with someone – but apparently I’m “Too Old” for one night stands. Oh Damn, I didn’t see that one in the rule book on life.
On the other hand – I’ve heard time and time again you are attracted to someone like your parents. It happened in my last relationship.
At first there were several red flags but I was so happy to be in a relationship I didn’t care. I wanted the relationship first and the companion second. I thought if I just brushed them aside that it could work – that things would change or maybe I could just change. Live and learn right?
Things were never great, things were always on the verge of disaster- but there was so much going on in both our lives. I was starting a new chapter in my life – I got the internship I was hoping for and just graduated college. He was coming back to college or err leaving college? I don’t remember. He wanted to go out West and begin his own new beginning. I wanted to stay planted and see what my internship could lead to.
In the end – 5 years down the road – he still wanted a new beginning elsewhere and I still wanted to remain planted. I was still making more money than him, we both had careers but I bought a house, got a dog, was raising his cats, had responsibilities and was 35 wanting to start a family. He was a man child with daddy issues and daydreams that were in the stars.
Things had been bad for years. I would think/talk about leaving him but my friends all said – you have to work, relationships are hard. They would tell me I needed to try harder. I needed to change.
I did change. By the end of our dying relationship -I was a shell of my former self. A weak, spent, overly manipulated shell trying to please everyone but myself. I was so broken I believed my ex when he told me I needed to sell my house and get rid of the cats he left me with, and my dog, because I could never make it on my own.
Granted I had been making it on my own while supporting him along the way and the bastard had broken my spirit so far that I believed him that I couldn’t survive without him.
Today, as I sat here with my Mom and Dad I realize how my ex was with me is the same as how my Dad treats my Mom. He is mean, never kind, he treats her like dirt yet makes her wait on him hand and foot but also says things to her in a way that makes her feel like she is stupid. He ignores her when he wants but how dare she not be listening and obeying his every word. My Dad is a horrible person to my Mom. My Mom only wants to help, her every fiber in her body is to help you -get you food, get you something to drink, let me take the dog out, do your laundry etc.
I chose to cook, I told her I’d let the dog out – I would be an adult and she was almost sad. Her whole life has simply been as a maid, cook and butler to my father. I saw my own life while I was with my ex as that person. The exact same.
I wish I could take my Mom out of the situation – but I don’t know that she would experience the same joy as I did when I finally realized I was free of a giant leach draining me of money, time, and emotional energy. I love my Dad cuz he is my Dad and at times I dislike him for how shitty he treats my Mother.
It also makes me realize how happy I am to be alone. I know not all people are bad but honestly – its better to be on my own and supporting myself than on my hands and knees pleading for the support of someone else. The statement that I need to “Get yourself a Man” makes me want to punch people in the face. I’m very capable of buying, owning and maintaining a house – which I am doing, without a “Man”. I have a career which is pretty damn good and I dunno what more I could be doing if I had “a Man” in my life. Now a partner, a best friend, a baby daddy even – that could be pretty good – but I don’t need a fucking Man in my life to merely get by. I’m doing pretty good on my own just being a female.