sleep schedule

Featured Image: The setting sun reflected on clouds on this soggy Memorial day.

Can you believe its the end of May? I’m getting closer to half way through my year of 37. I think about it every time I get my period – TMI maybe but it’s part of life so deal with it. I realize every time I get my period that its another month that I’ve been alone.

Thankfully, I have been keeping up with my walking. Last night I was playing board games with my friends until 11:30pm. By the time I got home and got ready it was just past midnight when I went on my walk. Technically did I  miss a day? Hell no! I got out at Midnight and still did my mile walk, then tonight at 9 pm I went on a 2.3 mile walk. So I don’t care what time it was – I still did my walks! Today was day 24 in a row.

Today was also a big milestone in me accomplishing goals. I told myself that I would finally vacuum and get out the carpet shampooer and clean all the damn carpets in this place. Memorial Day weekend was scheduled for rain Friday – Monday and it held true. There were weird periods of sunshine followed by downpours. I not only mowed the jungle of a yard during a dry sunny period, but I also cleaned the carpets and by default slightly organized/cleaned my bedroom, guest bedroom, office, and living room. I changed and washed all the bedsheets on my bed and my two guest beds. I washed the dog’s 2 blankets and his dog bed- yes he is spoiled. I emptied container after container and cleared out the carpet cleaner of heaps upon heaps of pet fur sucked from the carpet. It was glorious. Yea, this place was pretty dang gross.

I did think about it during my walks, that on a 3 day holiday weekend and I had planned to clean my house. I got out once, as a 5th wheel for dinner and board games with 2 couples. But at least I got to be social. I still feel good though, better that I take care of my house and get rid of the nagging voice in the back of my head that I have all these things to take care of. I can finally check a bunch off that list. It feels good.

Also I’m leaving in 3 weeks for 1 month. So it’ll be good to have a clean house while I’m gone and the animals can shed all over it for my return. Insert sarcastic tone and annoyed rolling eyes. But still – now I can at least be slightly proud that this place isn’t completely disgusting. It had this winter funk smell that just had to go. I replaced the furnace filter, opened all the windows, and hopefully all that gross fur lying about – well now that its gone – hopefully that will help!

Unfortunately I stayed up late every night and tonight is no different. I’m meeting a contractor and the city at 8 am for a walk through and I have tons of paper work I should do before hand but here it is almost 1 am and Im typing away here rather than sleeping. Sigh, I guess I should try to pass out – yet I’m wide awake.

Well… The other thing I can be happy about – after poor choices the rest of the weekend, today I started the day with a green pepper and spinach omelette, I had some cherries then finally I made BBQ chicken kebabs with green pepper and zucchini, and corn on the cob for a late lunch. Cleaning took most of the night and before I knew it, it was so late and I wasn’t hungry so I skipped dinner.

I know skipping dinner isn’t the best when you want to diet but I legit wasn’t hungry – I had some other snacks, like a yogurt and such. I’m hoping it’s all the fruit and veggies that filled me up but I think just being super busy and a nod to my ever fluctuating hormones helped.

Here’s to a new week, with new challenges – this Friday I’m leaving for Chicago. Driving down for a concert Friday night – which means I need to go on my walk before I leave – early in the morning. Then on Saturday? Will I get it in? I’m staying with friends and going to a street fair – but it shouldn’t be too hard to get away and walk around the block a few times. Sunday I will be driving back. Wish me luck!

Day 21

Featured photo: sunset from yesterday taken from a bridge

I’ve been exhausted. Waking up early, staying up late, sitting through meetings and still walking everyday. 

I thought today was day 20, but it’s day 21. I started walking on May 6. 

Today I weighed myself. I’m 241 lbs. I was 247 and I’m on my period which usually adds a few lbs. 

I haven’t started a diet but I know I should. My hormones and stress have been crazy too. I’ve been cranky and short, over emotional and loud. 

But now the count up for ‘in a row workouts’ and count down for lbs. 

I see my friends. One after another they drop weight and get engaged. It’s not even a joke or elaboration. Legit they dropped weight and got engaged. And yea you’re not supposed to drop weight for a guy but fuck it. It’s a superficial world out there and in order to meet people, there has to be a level of attraction in order to start the conversation. So duck it. I’m gonna lose weight in order to get a man. 

Let’s get at it. 

Bonus post: happiness acquired 

Featured photo: a fountain shaped like a fire hydrant from the hotel

I really struggled today. I knew I would. 

I went to bed late and woke up early. I wore my glasses all day because one eye stung when I attempted to put in my contact lenses. I got super cranky mid day followed by sleepy. 

I haven’t been to the gym since January. Even then, I think I went twice. There is something about going to the gym that I abhor. Something that’s off putting. When I’m there nothing bad happens. Usually I feel good when I’m there, but the thought of going is not pleasant. 

I knew I’d have trouble going to the hotel gym. Walking my dog is easy, you’re doing it for the dog. Half the effort is just holding on while he pulls me forward. Any judgement by strangers is subdued. She’s just walking her dog. 

But walking alone? At night? Speed walking? JUDGEMENT! Going to the gym? What about the way I run? Am I even doing this exercise correctly? JUDGEMENT!!

That’s what’s in my brain. That self doubt. The self loathing telling me I’m too fat, I’ll disgust everyone, I can’t run, I look awful. I’ll be sweating without doing anything. 

I waited until after 10 pm. Then I thought, the gym in the hotel prolly has limited hours, I’ve missed it. My streak has ended. Nope, no such luck. Gym is open. Ok. Get your workout clothes on. Ok, let me check my email, maybe a few solitaire games on my tablet. I’m sleepy maybe I’ll just lay down…

Yes, that all actually happened til I told myself, Day 17!

I got my gym shoes on. Grabbed my John Mayer nalgene full of water and headed to the gym. RELIEF! It was empty!

I got on the treadmill and started a slow walk. After a few minutes I turned it up to a jog. My shins started burning and after a minute and a half I was gasping for breath, sweaty, red faced with burning shins. I slowed to a slow stroll but I kept going. In the course of 30 minutes I repeated that 3 times. I don’t care that I only jogged for a total of 4-6 minutes. I Jogged for 4-6 Minutes! 

Screw the haters! Screw my ex who told me if I didn’t give it 100% all the time I might as well not do anything. That’s WRONG!  And also what got me to 250 lbs. but guess what! 17 days of walking! 17! With 4 minutes of jogging (at least). 

My lungs hurt a lil, my shins are tight, I’m burning up, but every day I’ll get better. And it felt GOOD! 🙂

Here I was talking about my self loathing in my other post, but now I found my joy! Yes, it was JUST 30 minutes of walking. It was JUST a few minutes of a slow jog. But I did it! I didn’t lay in the hotel room making excuses, I did it and I can and will feel proud. 

If I can keep this up, I can lose the weight. This might be my calling. I tried counting calories, I’ve tried diets, I tried 30 days of abs and squats , and none of them were bad but I couldn’t force it in myself. 

I started by walking my dog on Saturday and Sunday. On Monday I thought, this would be day 3. Repeat everyday and here we are, day 17. 

I guarantee if it weren’t for this daily counting game I probably would have never pushed myself. I’ve found something. I can’t cheat at it. I can’t lose it and say screw it I’ll wait for a new week. Nope, everyday. At least 30 min. 

I’ve got a couple friends who slimmed down. They run. They enjoy it. I tell myself every time, that won’t work. You don’t enjoy running. But I’m not running. I’m just walking. 

Baby Steps. 

Exhausted by nothing

Featured photo: more wild flowers from my yard

Friday was my expo I was speaking at. It was announced the night before that 17 people were attending. It was pretty much 17 people who were participating in it. Drag. 

There were speakers about motivation, organization, estate planning… yea uh not exactly construction. 

My part was choppy, unrehearsed and I don’t think I had a main focus or summary. It was emotional and a shit show. 

That’s on me. I didn’t rehearse or even try. 

I spiraled into a pit of self loathing and embarrassment. Why did it hit me so hard? Probably because I knew it was my own fault. I’ve been really procrastinating and I know it’s not good. 

The low I felt from it all was quite the battle wound. Suddenly anything that has been said or emailed to me in the past month came back in a vile attack. A few weeks ago when I was floating on cloud 9; the world was my oyster. Now I was just some gutter slime praying to get washed down the pipe in hopes of a new beginning. 

I spent the weekend on the couch. I forced myself to walk to the farmers market. I didn’t buy anything and I kept my head low and sunglasses on, attempting to not be seen. I walked to a grocery store and ran into friends who wanted to hang out but I declined. 

I went home, cooked, ate, and then the day was done. Sunday was on the couch until 10 pm I forced myself to walk the dog. Day 16 of walking. 

At least I’m pleased with myself about my walks. I’ve got one thing I’m being successful at and I can’t let that go. But where did this instant, crushing depression come from? 

I realized today I’ll be getting my period any minute. That’s still no excuse. I can’t crash into the pavement and lose all hope and joy in my life just from fluctuating hormones. 

Today I’m starting to feel better. Starting to pick myself up and say, Hey! Voice in my head – self loathing and doubt- go fuck your self! There’s nothing to win with those thoughts. 

Tonight I’ll be at a hotel and I have to make sure I get on a treadmill. It’s the one piece I don’t want to disappoint myself in, my walks. 

Only 500 more days until it’s a habit. 😉

spoiled tofu and dehydration

Featured photo: Sunrise from yesterday

Today started off strong but I slowly let go of my grip on anything and just slid down the spiral.

The rain has been a constant lately. The temps have dropped from high 50s to mid 30s. Its bone chilling outside, damp, cold, grey, unhappy. My newly potted flowers and tulips are dying.

I won’t be shy to say I had a nice day-dream solo session … if you catch my drift. A welcoming to the new day, it was really, really good. I haven’t had relations with a man since my ex. I haven’t even kissed anyone except my pillow, in 2 years. I have however, done pretty well with myself. Wink Wink.
I started out wanting anyone, but slowly realized I wanted no one. I wasn’t over my ex, then I was too depressed because of my ex and now I finally couldn’t care less about my ex and I want to meet someone new… but I have this body issue. I’ve never been this heavy and single. I’ve never been over 200 lbs and attempted to date.

Luckily my personality is shining through, or at least I believe it is – that’s not all bad. I used to think it was all doom and gloom. Guys used to ignore me but I’m talking to guys, and cute ones at that. I think my self esteem is getting better!

Soooo… I got to work, dropped off a thumb drive for prints, dropped off my old broken phone at UPS, stopped at Walmart for new wiper blades, stopped at the food co-op and resisted all the temptations to buy a lot of junk but I did get a PBJ sammie, pita chips and humus, other potato chips and some tofu and veggies.

I planned to come home, fry up the tofu and make a rice noodle Thai dish but I was too lazy. Pita chips and humus and a PBJ Sammie for lunch. I came home and did a bit more work and started on my speech. Yes, that speech I’m giving tomorrow. Then I had to pick up my prints, and that gave me the opportunity to go to the bakery. I got a fruit tart, 2 doughnuts and an almond croissant. Yes. Much more than anyone needs. I ate a donut and started on my tofu prep. But the tofu was spoiled! SPOILED TOFU! I’ve been eating tofu for 15-17 years, I’ve never dealt with spoiled tofu. It upset me so much I ate the other donut and fruit tart, more chips, more humus, more pita chips and I ordered a noodle dish and sushi and a smoothie. Then I ate it all.

My stomach is aching and all I want to do is fall sleep. I feel a little woozy actually. This is what I do when I’m stressed or depressed. I realize I haven’t been drinking water for the past couple days. That makes a lot of sense. No water, feeling overly hungry and not be satisfied.

All I want to do is sit in a hot bath to get rid of the bone deep chill from today but I’m telling myself I must have my walk first. Then I have to practice my speech and make note cards. Then I could take a bath but I should have a full nights sleep because tomorrow the conference is all day long and my speech isn’t until 2 pm.

Well wish me luck. I need to drink more water. I need to think before I eat and I need to keep up with my exercise. Sigh.

Day 12

Featured Photo: a rainbow through the fog and clouds this morning

Today wasn’t specifically a tough day. I woke up early, begrudgingly, to hop in the car and drive 2 hours for a 1/2 hour meeting. After that I got back in the car and drove back another 2 hours. It was rainy, my wipers need to be replaced and one deer crossed the road. Thankfully uneventful.

I started off my day with junk food, I over ate for lunch and decided a yogurt and apple would be a sufficient dinner. After lunch I acquired a migraine. I have a food intolerance to Onions and Garlic and I know the black beans are cooked in onions. I just love them so… but not today. I took some Excedrin and a nap and woke up in time to run out the door and to a meeting at an Engineer’s Office. Luckily I noticed the smear of my right eye’s makeup just before I left my car. Great.

The meeting lasted an hour – I came home and punched out some work and started attempting to back up my phone just to kickstart my replacement warranty phone. Easy? Yea maybe but… 3 hours later it was finally complete. Granted to get into all my apps it means attempting to remember my passwords. At least everything is there.

Today was foggy and cloudy all day with heavy downpours, light sprinkles and just for a minute, a break in the wetness. It really started pouring buckets around 6 pm or so. I debated going to the gym or walking in a deluge. By 10 pm my phone had been synced, I had read through the speech I’m giving in 2 days and realized I need to alter it quite a bit, and I thought – now. The rain had calmed down, it was 10 pm and daylight had left me but I could still go. I grabbed my new rain jacket trench which I was excited to try out and the dog and we started power walking. I was feeling really good about it when I was about halfway through our journey and the sky turned on the spigots. It was a gradual increase from sprinkling to showering to down right pouring water from above. Even my water-loving Lab was not impressed.

The power walking increased slightly and I was about to debate on a light jog when my dog and I noticed the skunk crossing the bridge, looking just as frantic as us to get out of the rain. Of course my dog wanted to meet his new BFF and I wanted none of that. Sorry friend, no friends today!!!

I yanked my dog forward and I took off in a sprint. My shoes and pant legs are soaked but the rest of my body is happily dry. The dog was dripping wet but he enjoyed our towel off petting session. My shins are aching but I officially completed my fastest minute mile so far – 18 min/mile. Yea, yea maybe you do an 8 min mile and that’s wonderful but this fat girl is excited. And let’s be fair – I was just walking the dog with a few sniffing stops and one poop.

12 days straight. I wasn’t about to trip up just yet. Lets get onto unlucky 13 🙂

 

Walk walk walk

Featured photo: tiny wild flowers in my yard 

Today I was bad. I went to Starbucks for breakfast and in two bites consumed my days worth of points. Did I mention I’m on weighwatchers? I haven’t been logging, mostly because I know I’m not eating right. 

But the more active you are, the more you can sub for snacks. And this week I’ve been active! I logged 74 activity points this week. I’m supposed to get 35 and Ive always struggled, but 74!! On the other hand I ate 107 points today. I’m only supposed to consume 38. 

Weigh in day should have been today but I’m planning for tomorrow. I did my walk. My calves are starting to ache. I’m pushing them and I love it. 

Now just to get through this week and edit my speech.  I’m giving a speech on Friday!!!

In the rear view 

I was conscious today of my diet. That didn’t mean I listened. I brought a box of cheerios and skim milk to the hotel. Instead of jetting to McD’s or BK in the morning and tossing back 1000 calories, I’ve had a reasonable bowl of cheerios. For me, that’s a giant step. 

But this morning I was rushed, and tho I gave myself time for cereal, I didn’t make time for coffee. I made a stop at Starbucks and immediately ordered my go to. Iced lemon pound cake and large latte. As I sat in the drive though I read the board. I could have gotten a 5 calorie, cheaper black coffee instead. And the pound cake? It wasn’t in the menu but weight watchers lists it as 21 points. I only get 30 something for the day. Now on top of that I wanted to go to the German restaurant in town. Even still I ate a 15 point sandwich for lunch. Then I argued with myself before choosing the German restaurant although I wasn’t really hungry. I went over my points for the day, I ate double what I should have. 

Things are clearer in the rear view. This is why I’m not losing. This is why I’m gaining weight and I know it. I need to keep acknowledging it. Keep realizing the food, it’s delicious, but it’s not worth being constantly ashamed of your own skin. 

Acknowledgement is the first step to beating addiction right? That’s what I have, a food addiction. 

I caught a picture of the setting sun in my side view mirror. Perhaps somewhere in the middle of the looking ahead and looking behind I can see the sun. I just need to keep focus and see it in front of me each day. I’ll get there. 

Appreciate the sun rise

Just imagine a string of curse words… that is how I would start this post off except I’ll keep it PG 13. I’ll get back to why, but first its the backlog.

It’s been a month since I last posted. I meant to post every day of my year being 37 and I’ve already missed out on 30 or more of those opportunities that I’ll never get back.

The real point of this journey – for me anyhow – is to appreciate each day. Find a moment in a snapshot and talk about it.

I’m coming to terms with the fact that I suffered from depression as a child. I didn’t know what suicide was until Kurt Cobain was found dead and the word was all over the news, radio, magazines. Everywhere. But I realized I had thought about it by the time I was 12, before I knew it had a name. I had a very good upbringing by normal standards. I had food, both parents, siblings, a house to live in. By some standards I had it really good. That doesn’t mean there weren’t issues.

When I was 17 I was in a car crash that killed my cousin’s grandmother and split my second vertebra in two. I was temporarily paralyzed for a week before I had a Halo Vest screwed into my skull. In the end – I am a fully functional 37 year old. I’m still here and I still have full mobile ability of my body. I am extremely fortunate and lucky. That doesn’t mean I take advantage of my life every single moment I have been granted since I was 17.

Two years ago my relationship of 4 years deteriorated and then a wrecking ball finished off what was left.In the wreckage I was still attempting to crawl out when my beloved best friend, my cat of 12 years was dying of cancer. Two months after the hardest goodbye I’ve made thus far, I had to put my other cat to sleep, as he too had cancer. For the next year I made the mistake of clinging to my ex, who I hadn’t realized, had been emotionally abusive for some time.

Now I’m not here for pity, I’m not here to grieve, that time has passed. I’m here because like every time before, I’ve been lucky enough to crawl back out of that pit called depression and see the sun rise again. After the breakup and my two cats death I gained over 40 lb, on top of already being overweight. I laid in bed most days and only left it to get something to eat. Usually bringing the plate to bed with me and just pushing it aside to go back to sleep. My hair started to thin, my nails started to become brittle and cracked and broke off. I had the worst lower back pain, sometimes to the point I couldn’t move. I was 35-36 years old.

I got past it, I lost 20 lbs. I started listening to music I loved again, went to a few concerts, flirted with men again, spent a zillion dollars on a Chiropractor that really helped my back. But then November hit. I really didn’t think this political war in America would affect me the way it did. I started spending hours in my bathtub. Just soaking in the water to the point I almost would fall asleep and made myself get out so I didn’t drown by accident. I didn’t go outside, I stopped exercising, I started ordering out all the time. Cooking, which I enjoy, seemed a burden. Suddenly, in February I realized I had gained the 20 lbs back plus some.

Thankfully, I’d realized this sooner than before. Depression had hit me yet again, out of left field and even though we’ve known each other my whole life, I didn’t recognize it. The weight gain, the constant eating to the point of feeling pain of being so full, the disorder and chaos of my house every day being too overwhelming to deal with, the lack of wanting to go outside or see friends, the constant procrastination… the list could go on but at the time I didn’t notice any of it.

Even my adorable town. The first few years I lived here I couldn’t stop talking about how I got to live in Vacation land. Everyone else just comes to visit but I get to live here. It truly is beautiful. Yet the other day when someone from out of town mentioned the view, I complained about it. He was stunned and said, ‘yea I suppose you see it every day’ and I still complained.

The next day when it was cloudy and cold, I thought about that view. I hadn’t take the time to appreciate how beautiful it was. I only saw a grey sky even on a bright blue sunny day. That’s when I realized I need a change.

We’re not promised every day. And if I died tonight – what did I do with my 37 years? Lay in bed and complain about the sunshine? Be sad that I gained too much weight and was kinda anti-social?

Nope – Today I saw the sunrise, I appreciated it. And as for that line of curse words in the beginning of this post… Well I’m attempting to complete a 30 days of abs, arms, and squats, and I had just done 50 squats. Well worth swearing over!

Like they say, after you work out you feel even better. Its true and I need to remember that. You feel better after seeing the sun, getting fresh air, walking your dog, waving at a neighbor or just saying hello and smiling at someone passing by. It really isn’t what you don’t have, or think you can’t do. Its doing what you can and appreciating what you have that brings you happiness. I’ve always been one to say I’d be happy when ____ , fill in the blank. Instead I need to be happy now. I need to appreciate my body and my journey and honor it by treating it right! Exercise and good food.

It hasn’t been that I don’t have time for this blog or the gym. I haven’t made time. Hopefully I can get back on track to the road of sunshine. One day at a time.

 

baby steps to Tuesday

Today’s featured image: The sunrise from my backyard this morning.

Human contact. It’s something I never thought would be an issue for me. I grew up extremely shy and hid from the world. When I realized that there was a whole world I wanted to see, or at least a small sliver, I knew I had to face my fear and get out there. Now I can talk to just about anyone. I still get nervous, I’m still shy but it’s a daily battle of what is more important. I love to socialize! The issue now is that I work from home most days. Sometimes I don’t even leave the house except to let my dog out. Even then I just stand in my backyard in my pajamas. I never see people anymore. And yes I have friends but they are all 29/30 and married couples. Many who have adopted me as their third wheel life partner for dinner dates and such, but you don’t meet new people sitting at someone’s home.

Today was no different. But I did adjust my comforter after waking up so I could still claim my bed as being made. You know after you do something 50 zillion times, I hear it becomes a habit. The house is still crazy disorganized mess but baby steps…

My friends are coming up on Thursday, good motivation to finish organizing/cleaning. Tomorrow instead of traveling for work I get to fill in for a co-worker here in my home town… I’m sure I’ll explain my job at some point.

But most importantly today, I used this blog as motivation to hit the gym and be mindful of my diet. Wacky concept I know. I’m the best at procrastination. I’m really great at talking myself out of opportunities but baby steps to healthy choices, right?

Baby Step- Dr Marvin from ‘What About Bob?’ knew what was up! haha I love that movie – and if you haven’t seen it, stop being crazy and watch it. Life Changing.

I’m currently on Weight Watchers and have gained weight because I’m irresponsible. I have a gym membership for over 2 months but tonight was only my second visit. Well, now I’m letting you hold me responsible and I want you to guilt me. Go to the gym… Go outside… Talk to a human face to face!

And then be proud of me, I was on the elliptical for 30 minutes. And while I did contemplate quitting at 15 minutes, then again at 20, 25, 28 and 29, I made it all the way to 30 minutes and not a second more!

I swear I’m not as much of a disaster as I may sound, but I’m here to be honest, and I’ve really got to get myself back together before 38 rolls around in 361 days.