I hired a personal trainer 5 or 6 weeks ago?
I finally said – I need to make a change and someone is going to help me do it! I need to stop bringing up my ex, but I will. He ridiculed everything I did. I didn’t exercise hard enough – it was worthless. I didn’t eat healthy enough, it was worthless. I was worthless and over and over again until I believed it.
This time it would be someone to inspire me. To tell me I was awesome, I could do it and they believed in me. This time I would pay them to be there for me and I didn’t feel bad about it.
I did my first session and geared up to go again in a week. I showed up and she was with someone else. WTF I thought we had a plan. Nope, she scheduled with someone else and pretended that I was wrong. I gave her the benefit of the doubt and scheduled 2 days later. I hadn’t been to the gym since we met – I only needed to go twice. TWO TIMES and I didn’t do that.
I had all the excuses, I cleaned the house, I was tired, I made dinner, I raked leaves. So we did our first session, everything hurt and I was dying. Truth be told everything did hurt and I came down with a miserable cold.
Fast forward a week of bed and I canceled our next session. I was congested and in bed. Fast forward one more week and she was shocked to see me – 2 weeks and I still hadn’t been to the gym on my own. She made me sweat and burn and almost cry but I did 50 minutes of punishment.
Now its 4 days later and I finally made myself go to the GYM! I got home from work at 5 pm and told myself- let the dog out then out to the Gym! But my phone was dying, and my I watch was dying – how would I track my workout. I let them charge and took a few bites of raw pie crust from the package – its basically like raw cookie dough – bad for you and tempting. Don’t worry about it – maybe its just me. Anyway, I did this I did that and I stalled. 6:30 and I said GO TO THE FINGING GYM ALREADY. As I got in my car I thought about how I could not go. How I didn’t want to go . How I hated going.
My mind went dark and even walking up to the door I was upset to be there.
I got going on the workout she scheduled for me on our off time. 5 minutes to start – 5 minutes I told myself I wish I stayed at home. The rest of the machines were weight machines and not so bad – then to finish 20 minutes on the eplictical. 20 Freaking Minutes. I started and never knew how i would finish. I thought about quitting, just stepping down and going home. As I continued though I slowly thought how it wasn’t that bad. Why did my brain get so dark. Why did I think it would be so awful. In the end I felt good, I accomplished something. I thought about how I could continue and melt away the lbs. How I could wear clothes that I felt good in. How I might get a boyfriend by having the confidence in believing he thought I looked hot.
I thought about the guy I have a crush on, the guy that I might see on Friday for drinks. The guy I hoped could see past the 100 lbs of fat on my body and know I was a pretty rad person. I thought about how if I had just started this earlier this year, maybe I’d already be that hot babe that he wanted.
Yea yea yea I know don’t lose weight for a guy but you know what? It’s my motivation and I’ll take any I can get. Maybe I don’t get that guy – but if I get any guy that will be the guy for me. That will be the guy of my motivation.
I feel good. Now I need to clean this house. I’d really like to bring someone back with me for a cuddle on Friday. I’m thankful I should have my period and can’t have sex with anyone but I’d be down for a boy in my bed. It’s been too long.
I also ate a salad today, yesterday and I’m making one for tomorrow.
I need to prep some oatmeal for breakfast too. I’m really hoping these small steps can last. I’m not eating totally healthy but if I make my meals I can save money and calories by not eating out. I also am eating salads and I had a bottle of water. Baby steps to healthy. It’s the only way I do things.
Yet again, Good luck to me.