I did it!

So I went to Yoga. My god if you’ve never tried it, go! Find a studio, talk to someone and find a peaceful flow. An easy beginning course for yoga. Take more than one class until you can loose your thoughts completely by solely focusing on your breathing. It’s not just lying there. It’s becoming one with your thoughts. About being peaceful and kind to your mind and body. It’s about stretching , strengthening, becoming more limber and lean. About feeling good. 

I feel amazing. My back pain is better. My body feels good, my brain calmed down. All good stuff!!

Tomorrow I head to Wisconsin. Need to pack for the week let’s do this!! But sleep first. 

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Step one

Featured photo: a scenic stop sign

I should look but I’m sure I’ve said step one multiple times before. But let’s cut to the chase, I signed up for a yoga class tomorrow. 

I love yoga and it often helps me build my core, build strength, add flexibility, want to eat better and work out more and I lose weight. Plus it’s a great stress reliever and helps with my lower back pain. 

Lately, my always-regular periods have been out of whack. My back pain has been increasing. My moods have been shaky too. I can’t keep my house clean, often stressing that it’s so messy I can’t even handle it. I’ve been eating and shopping to cope with my stress. Never a good option. 

So a next step. The class is scheduled for tomorrow. I have to go now. No excuses. 

I need a focal point. I need structure to my life. I need a change. Today I ate ice cream and Halloween candy all day. I took the dog for a walk but otherwise I watched tv. I spent $200 between beauty products and bed sheets. I’m not managing my life as much as I’m just trying to escape it. 

This job is intense. It’s big and complex and I’m not prepared. Add in the fact that I got emotionally connected to a person I met three times and spoke on the phone a ton, and I’m just kinda falling apart. My friends aren’t around as much. Attempting to make new ones has been difficult. Online dating is getting me nowhere. Granted, I’m not giving it all my might. I’m not saying it’s worthless. It’s just another battle in my struggle that I’m finding a touch overwhelming at the moment. 

But. Yoga. Tomorrow. I’m very proud I hit schedule. I hate trying new things alone but I’m fed up and I need to start pushing my comfort zone for a healthy change. My body doesn’t make me happy. And I fear that my doctor will tell me if I don’t lose the weight that I’ll become diabetic. I don’t want that. 

I’ll admit another reason. It’s guys. My friends made fun of me for wearing a hoodie and T-shirt to the bar. It was really upsetting. But what am I supposed to wear? A dress? A snug top fitted to my rolls? 

It’s bad enough several work tops don’t fit. They have shrunk or I’ve just gotten too fat.  I’ve attempted diets and “eating healthy” but exercise sometimes pulls me in. I get my body moving and I want to keep moving then I want to feed it healthy stuff. I have almost 100 lbs to lose. 40 would make me insanely happy. 20 would also be a grand start. But it’s not going to happen without a step. 

Wish me luck. Again. 

Complaints

I’ll have to backtrack about the weekend but first I wanted to complain. 

This past week I saw photos from the wedding I stood in. I saw a large girl with huge arms and an overly plump face. It was me.  

In the hotel this weekend I saw my large belly flab that I couldn’t suck in or hide under a sweatshirt because it was so warm. At my parents house, I could see in the bathroom mirror when I turned around my bare butt. It wasn’t cute and round. It was flat, wide, bumpy, and had a sad overall look to it. 

On the drive home yesterday I broke it up by listening to two audio books. One about mini habits for weight loss, and the other about how one woman somehow paid off $18,000 of debt in one year with her $33,000 salary. I call bs on that one but I’m a hater and a pessimist. What can I say?

For weight loss it was, eat more Whole Foods, if you need to stuff your face do it with fruits and veggies rather than potato chips and exercise some. For saving money, don’t spend your money on shit you don’t need. 

It wasn’t mind blowing concepts. It was all do-able things. I thought, yes! I need a change! I can do this! Then I got hungry as I was driving and thought about a cheese dog and ice cream from Dairy Queen. Luckily for my waistline they were closed. 

Once I got home I was tired, warm and well tired. I had no food at home so I could shop, order in or order take out. Somehow my brain thought the most expensive option. With soup, appetizers, a large expensive entree too. $50 later I picked it up and stuffed my face while laying on the couch. 

Wtf happened to weight loss and saving money?

As soon as I came home with 3 bags of food I realized how wasteful of money and overly calorie ridden meal I’d consume. But consume it I did, well except for the soup, though I tried to eat it but my belly hurt. 

I went to bed, sluggish with a full belly and empty wallet. I woke up sluggish, bloated, tired still, over all I felt horrible and I knew it was from eating too much shitty food. 

I still had no food in my house, granted I do have oatmeal which I swore I’d start eating. I ate the soup from yesterday for breakfast with my coffee. Yes. I have no self control or self respect. I also did this in bed while I typed an agenda for a meeting. 

Before my 2 pm meeting I went to McDonalds and got a 2 cheeseburger meal because I wanted the large iced tea. I ate the burgers and large fry in 2 seconds while driving. 

After the meeting I stopped at the food co-op. Figured I could buy lettuce for a salad, maybe some items to make a fruit smoothie with the frozen fruit I have. I ended up with some carrot cake and a PB&J sandwich I just devoured. 

But I told myself I’d type out my shame here. Explain to myself why I weigh 250 lbs. and try to find the motivation to even make a mini habit to break my eating and spending habits. 

Good luck to me. 

Rant over. 

Bonus post: happiness acquired 

Featured photo: a fountain shaped like a fire hydrant from the hotel

I really struggled today. I knew I would. 

I went to bed late and woke up early. I wore my glasses all day because one eye stung when I attempted to put in my contact lenses. I got super cranky mid day followed by sleepy. 

I haven’t been to the gym since January. Even then, I think I went twice. There is something about going to the gym that I abhor. Something that’s off putting. When I’m there nothing bad happens. Usually I feel good when I’m there, but the thought of going is not pleasant. 

I knew I’d have trouble going to the hotel gym. Walking my dog is easy, you’re doing it for the dog. Half the effort is just holding on while he pulls me forward. Any judgement by strangers is subdued. She’s just walking her dog. 

But walking alone? At night? Speed walking? JUDGEMENT! Going to the gym? What about the way I run? Am I even doing this exercise correctly? JUDGEMENT!!

That’s what’s in my brain. That self doubt. The self loathing telling me I’m too fat, I’ll disgust everyone, I can’t run, I look awful. I’ll be sweating without doing anything. 

I waited until after 10 pm. Then I thought, the gym in the hotel prolly has limited hours, I’ve missed it. My streak has ended. Nope, no such luck. Gym is open. Ok. Get your workout clothes on. Ok, let me check my email, maybe a few solitaire games on my tablet. I’m sleepy maybe I’ll just lay down…

Yes, that all actually happened til I told myself, Day 17!

I got my gym shoes on. Grabbed my John Mayer nalgene full of water and headed to the gym. RELIEF! It was empty!

I got on the treadmill and started a slow walk. After a few minutes I turned it up to a jog. My shins started burning and after a minute and a half I was gasping for breath, sweaty, red faced with burning shins. I slowed to a slow stroll but I kept going. In the course of 30 minutes I repeated that 3 times. I don’t care that I only jogged for a total of 4-6 minutes. I Jogged for 4-6 Minutes! 

Screw the haters! Screw my ex who told me if I didn’t give it 100% all the time I might as well not do anything. That’s WRONG!  And also what got me to 250 lbs. but guess what! 17 days of walking! 17! With 4 minutes of jogging (at least). 

My lungs hurt a lil, my shins are tight, I’m burning up, but every day I’ll get better. And it felt GOOD! 🙂

Here I was talking about my self loathing in my other post, but now I found my joy! Yes, it was JUST 30 minutes of walking. It was JUST a few minutes of a slow jog. But I did it! I didn’t lay in the hotel room making excuses, I did it and I can and will feel proud. 

If I can keep this up, I can lose the weight. This might be my calling. I tried counting calories, I’ve tried diets, I tried 30 days of abs and squats , and none of them were bad but I couldn’t force it in myself. 

I started by walking my dog on Saturday and Sunday. On Monday I thought, this would be day 3. Repeat everyday and here we are, day 17. 

I guarantee if it weren’t for this daily counting game I probably would have never pushed myself. I’ve found something. I can’t cheat at it. I can’t lose it and say screw it I’ll wait for a new week. Nope, everyday. At least 30 min. 

I’ve got a couple friends who slimmed down. They run. They enjoy it. I tell myself every time, that won’t work. You don’t enjoy running. But I’m not running. I’m just walking. 

Baby Steps. 

Push

Featured photo: my now organized pantry

I didn’t take many photos today but I wanted to share something. I organized my pantry. Bought the little shelves and suddenly everything has a place rather than a mountain of stuff. It still might look like a mountain of stuff but I assure you, I’m now no longer fearful of attempting to find anything in there. 

Other than that, I figured out the amount needed of pavers to make/edge some flower beds. I realized it was past 10 pm but decided I should walk my dog. Get in some exercise and give the dog what he wants too. 

The night sky was amazing and I only wish I could capture it exactly the way I see it. The clouds were mostly non existent and even without a full moon the stars are ridiculously bright. The sky was a mix of black and dark green. 

I didn’t go our usual way, I wanted a shorter walk. After a few blocks I thought about turning around. It was cold, 29, and I only had on a spring jacket. Thankfully I had grabbed a hat and gloves tho. 

I forced myself to complete the walk and I’m super happy I did. Two goals and two successes. I also came home and pigged out on mandarins, fresh ones so no guilt!

They were super delicious.