No sleep thoughts

Over the weekend I thought about my crush. Last I heard from him he thought about coming back this week. He had planned to see me again before he left on Friday.

He couldn’t come back to the office on Friday, and as of Monday there were no plans to come back this week.

While this shouldn’t be any sign of something wrong, I tend to assume the worst. In a study I read, women’s brains typically over analyzed situations and took the blame upon themselves regardless of the situation. I am a statistic in this exact case.

On Monday there were things happening that were not part of my project but affected my subcontractor. The customer explained the situation with more details than I truly needed to know. I called the sub, my crush, and gave him the same details. He got pretty upset, rightfully so as he was being blamed for something pretty awful. He texted me afterwards but that was our last interaction. All my brain can think is that he would interpret our last phone call as negative. Again, I’m sure this is not the case but I have concern. I’ve been preventing myself from calling or texting to ask how he is. The mothering suffocating handholding that can kill a relationship, which we don’t have.

My other concern is that I’ve withheld information from my boss about this sub being back. I asked the customer to tell him. I’m waiting on the backlash. None of the conversations my boss and I had yesterday were good. I got emotional, and cranky, on all of them which seemed to annoy him. I was out of town at my other project. I don’t know if the customer even had the conversation with him either but again my emotions are guilt, shame, concern, and fear.

I know I’m putting my emotions with the subcontractor before my job. I really have built my career and I’m potentially damaging it because I have a crush. On the other hand, I really like this guy and he’s shown interest in me- real interest others have seen. I’ve been single for 3 years with crushes on people showing no interest. When do I get to have a personal life? Am I willing to have my career in jeopardy over it though? Or will I have a career but no family?

Granted this is just a crush. It’s nothing more at this point. I’m slightly scared for tomorrow. It’s now 2:30 am and I’m wide awake. I’ve got 3 hours at best to still sleep. Wish me luck.

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