He’s back

Yesterday was the day. He had his sentencing and then he was supposed to meet with me about the project in the afternoon.

I got so nervous I was shaking but luckily he was delayed and by the time he showed up I just acted like nothing. He made quite a few cocky remarks; for instance, “I was pissed off when I found out what happened” and his reply? “Yea I was too” with a shit eating grin on his face.

He made comments about bidding a job through jail bars and bidding on a house for $20,000 but he lost the bid. He did say however he got the bid for the job.

I told him there was no more fun. He promised that he would do a good job, he’s a hard worker and a good worker and I would see.

I gazed into his eyes for probably longer than I should have but he held my gaze as well. He looked a little rough around the edges but still handsome as can be.

Today I took the chance and asked him if he wanted to come with me walking through the campground. It was more date-y than not but it was still work related. He asked for a 30 minute warning and when I gave it to him he turned me down. Claiming he was too crabby.

He did say Sorry however.

Just being around him gets me fucking giddy. It makes me want to be a better person and I instantly feel pretty again.

I could be reading into it, I could be only hearing and seeing what I want to see. But I just can’t believe I’m making this all up either.

I want to marry him still. I’ve never been this stupidly attracted to anyone.

I know I can’t put all my eggs in a basket. Especially this one. But god damnit there is something just magnetic about him.

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Being single in a sea of married couples

I know I’m not the last single person on the planet but at times it can feel that way. The loneliness isn’t the issue, its having every other coupled human feeling sad for you and reminding you how alone you are. Its getting the fact drilled back at you – you know you could get with this pathetic other loser who is alone and can’t seem to find anyone else to co-mingle with. Gee thanks, but I’m good, PS. you’re an Asshole.

That exact conversation hasn’t happened but I wish at least I could muster the part about calling people out. For instance my friend just got married. She had a ridiculously small wedding, close friends and family. She called me out when she played Single Ladies and said – you’re the ONLY SINGLE LADY HERE. You’re the only one not married so you have to dance to this – its your song!

I know she thought she was being hilarious – but she was being a flaming bitch.

Other friends like to point out how Sad it is that I’ll be spending a Christmas alone – ALONE! Fuck really? Am I alone? Oh Jesus let me get out the noose and find a step stool. Thanks jackass.

Why are married couples so dead set on pointing out the failures of single people? Why can’t people be single, be alone, and happy? Why can’t they just be?

Granted the same friend that is so upset I am alone is also a raging bitch when I talk about people I’m interested in or me thinking about hooking up with someone – but apparently I’m “Too Old” for one night stands. Oh Damn, I didn’t see that one in the rule book on life.

On the other hand – I’ve heard time and time again you are attracted to someone like your parents. It happened in my last relationship.

At first there were several red flags but I was so happy to be in a relationship I didn’t care. I wanted the relationship first and the companion second. I thought if I just brushed them aside that it could work – that things would change or maybe I could just change. Live and learn right?

Things were never great, things were always on the verge of disaster- but there was so much going on in both our lives. I was starting a new chapter in my life – I got the internship I was hoping for and just graduated college. He was coming back to college or err leaving college? I don’t remember. He wanted to go out West and begin his own new beginning. I wanted to stay planted and see what my internship could lead to.

In the end – 5 years down the road – he still wanted a new beginning elsewhere and I still wanted to remain planted. I was still making more money than him, we both had careers but I bought a house, got a dog, was raising his cats, had responsibilities and was 35 wanting to start a family. He was a man child with daddy issues and daydreams that were in the stars.

Things had been bad for years. I would think/talk about leaving him but my friends all said – you have to work, relationships are hard. They would tell me I needed to try harder. I needed to change.

I did change. By the end of our dying relationship -I was a shell of my former self. A weak, spent, overly manipulated shell trying to please everyone but myself. I was so broken I believed my ex when he told me I needed to sell my house and get rid of the cats he left me with, and my dog, because I could never make it on my own.

Granted I had been making it on my own while supporting  him along the way and the bastard had broken my spirit so far that I believed him that I couldn’t survive without him.

Today, as I sat here with my Mom and Dad I realize how my ex was with me is the same as how my Dad treats my Mom. He is mean, never kind, he treats her like dirt yet makes her wait on him hand and foot but also says things to her in a way that makes her feel like she is stupid. He ignores her when he wants but how dare she not be listening and obeying his every word. My Dad is a horrible person to my Mom. My Mom only wants to help, her every fiber in her body is to help you -get you food, get you something to drink, let me take the dog out, do your laundry etc.

I chose to cook, I told her I’d let the dog out – I would be an adult and she was almost sad. Her whole life has simply been as a maid, cook and butler to my father. I saw my own life while I was with my ex as that person. The exact same.

I wish I could take my Mom out of the situation – but I don’t know that she would experience the same joy as I did when I finally realized I was free of a giant leach draining me of money, time, and emotional energy. I love my Dad cuz he is my Dad and at times I dislike him for how shitty he treats my Mother.

It also makes me realize how happy I am to be alone. I know not all people are bad but honestly – its better to be on my own and supporting myself than on my hands and knees pleading for the support of someone else. The statement that I need to “Get yourself a Man” makes me want to punch people in the face. I’m very capable of buying, owning and maintaining a house – which I am doing, without a “Man”. I have a career which is pretty damn good and I dunno what more I could be doing if I had “a Man” in my life. Now a partner, a best friend, a baby daddy even – that could be pretty good – but I don’t need a fucking Man in my life to merely get by.  I’m doing pretty good on my own just being a female.

Hi

It’s been a while huh? Ya.

Halloween was spectacular. Two friends came up from Chicago and everyone got together drama free. We ate dinner then bar hopped in costume. It was great. We had a rainbow, Wayne and Garth, something creepy, Tobias Funke, Sally from Nightmare before Christmas and me -the Babadook. I can’t help but boast – my makeup was on-point. Many people didn’t know who I was but the people who had seen the movie were impressed. I was impressed. Yes- I am tooting my own horn.

Before Thanksgiving my little town was battered by Lake Superior and Category 1 Hurricane force winds. Yep – no hurricane but 70 mph plus winds. The waves on Superior were 30 feet at shore -3 story building tall waves on a lake! There was damage – but even worse, two people were swept away while they got to close to the Lake’s rage while watching the waves. Sad stuff.

Now it’s Thanksgiving. I drove down this morning to visit my family. I’ve got three days to visit family and then another day to drive back before crazy jam packed days at work.

On the way down I listened to a self help book. Written by someone in the FBI – its a guide on how to get people to trust and like you. This could be for work relations – like Sales people. It could be for relationships – friendships or love interests, the former is what I’m mostly interested in.

As I listened to the different ways you can make a person like you –  I realized that a lot of these came into play naturally with the Electron. As much as I try to get him off my mind I just can’t. I listened to a book called Click – an explanation of how people seem to just Click sometimes. That one really just said that when you share something personal, something that is intimate – people tend to trust you. They feel that you trust them enough to be so open, they feel a connection to you. Then you might Click. With this book he talks about all the ways you can create a friendship – generally over time rather than an instant connection. Frequent visits, proximity, compliments, similar interests, etc.

I realize that all of this just came naturally with the Electron. We truly did just click.

I told him how smart he was, how much he knew, a  few times. We both had dogs we adored. We lived around the corner from each other – though we never admitted it – it was just apparent from seeing each other. We both enjoyed boats and camping. He called me multiple times, usually asking some question but it usually came around full circle that he already knew the answer.

None of which was even a thought in my brain – it all just came natural. Now I figure he is in Re-hab with others going through the same situation as him. I can’t compare with that. The proximity is gone, the frequency is gone. Honestly, in his brain it may have all been a drug hazed memory that I even existed. I need to move on – but the proximity to a hot guy with so much in common? Slight to none.

I hope to at least start writing more. I have so much I want to get off my brain but its just whirling around up there.

 

Step one

Featured photo: a scenic stop sign

I should look but I’m sure I’ve said step one multiple times before. But let’s cut to the chase, I signed up for a yoga class tomorrow. 

I love yoga and it often helps me build my core, build strength, add flexibility, want to eat better and work out more and I lose weight. Plus it’s a great stress reliever and helps with my lower back pain. 

Lately, my always-regular periods have been out of whack. My back pain has been increasing. My moods have been shaky too. I can’t keep my house clean, often stressing that it’s so messy I can’t even handle it. I’ve been eating and shopping to cope with my stress. Never a good option. 

So a next step. The class is scheduled for tomorrow. I have to go now. No excuses. 

I need a focal point. I need structure to my life. I need a change. Today I ate ice cream and Halloween candy all day. I took the dog for a walk but otherwise I watched tv. I spent $200 between beauty products and bed sheets. I’m not managing my life as much as I’m just trying to escape it. 

This job is intense. It’s big and complex and I’m not prepared. Add in the fact that I got emotionally connected to a person I met three times and spoke on the phone a ton, and I’m just kinda falling apart. My friends aren’t around as much. Attempting to make new ones has been difficult. Online dating is getting me nowhere. Granted, I’m not giving it all my might. I’m not saying it’s worthless. It’s just another battle in my struggle that I’m finding a touch overwhelming at the moment. 

But. Yoga. Tomorrow. I’m very proud I hit schedule. I hate trying new things alone but I’m fed up and I need to start pushing my comfort zone for a healthy change. My body doesn’t make me happy. And I fear that my doctor will tell me if I don’t lose the weight that I’ll become diabetic. I don’t want that. 

I’ll admit another reason. It’s guys. My friends made fun of me for wearing a hoodie and T-shirt to the bar. It was really upsetting. But what am I supposed to wear? A dress? A snug top fitted to my rolls? 

It’s bad enough several work tops don’t fit. They have shrunk or I’ve just gotten too fat.  I’ve attempted diets and “eating healthy” but exercise sometimes pulls me in. I get my body moving and I want to keep moving then I want to feed it healthy stuff. I have almost 100 lbs to lose. 40 would make me insanely happy. 20 would also be a grand start. But it’s not going to happen without a step. 

Wish me luck. Again. 

Friday the 13th

They say another Friday the 13th won’t happen in October until 2023 or something. I’ll be 43. Sigh. 

My day was fine. I met with my hot electricians mother. Now this may seem weird or maybe you have no idea what I’m talking about. There was an extremely hot electrician that I was having bid on work for a project my company was putting together. He thought the work would be too much and never make the project, then texted me at 6 am asking if I wanted to get naked. I sssumed he just sent the text to the wrong person but he admitted (with a slew of compliments) that it was for me while he was drunk. And the question became, who is still drunk at 5 am? Usually I’m long pasted out at that point. 

Unfortunately my company was still interested in his bid, so I did not pursue him personally though the flirting (mutually) continued. For 1/2 year. Until he stopped texting me. The contracts were signed, work to be started and he was no where to be seen. His business is family owned. That’s where his mom gets involved. I’ve spoken with her quite a few times. And I’ve met her multiple times. Shes told me all about the family. Praising and explains that the son I had been dealing with had no children and wasn’t married. Excellent. 

Unfortunately it was in the news 2 weeks ago, he was arrested for several things, mostly possession of cocain. COCAIN. wtf. 

I had to make a very awkward call to his mother asking if the business would be ok and such. We got through it. She was pleasant. I felt horrible for asking. I really like his mom and his brother. His dad is ridiculously handsome for being older. That honestly has nothing to do with the rest but it’s still a legit statement. 

Yesterday I met her and she asked that we take a ride to another project site. While In my vehicle she told me all about how she became a master electrician. That she was one of the first in the State of Michigan. I now had even more respect for her. Then she brought up her son. She said she saw him and he looks a ton better. I wanted to ask what’s going to happen? Will he go to Prison? Is he still in jail? Was the cocain his? Wtf? But there’s work and there’s personal life and as damning as it is I really try to keep them separate. Plus, I just had a crush on her son. I dreamt I’d marry him but honestly we’re not even “friends”. Yet somehow I’m remarkably sad that this has happened. 

We stopped back to her car and I kept talking to her, somehow managing to bring him back up and her to talk. I remember saying, “Is he…” I wasn’t even sure how I could finish the question, or which question to ask but luckily she knew. She looked me in the eyes and said point blank, “My son has had a cocain problem for sometime”. 

Immediatly I could feel my face contorting to a look of shock mixed with sorrow. I think I softly said, I didn’t know, while looking at the ground. She told me he’s still in jail, she won’t bail him out but things are looking good for him and he’s looking better. His mood has improved and he is more positive. He immediatly asked about his two small newphews. He perked up when she started talking about the project because that is his life and he loves it. 

She told me she doesn’t know when he got into it or how. That his girlfriend had a problem with alcohol and they had recently broken up. He went downhill from there. Then with him in Milwaukee. She just really wasn’t sure what happened. 

She looked me in the eye a few more times, almost trying to find the answers for herself if I was a user. I don’t remember what she was saying but it was more of a mothers look, are you in trouble? Did you start this trouble? I remember looking away and talking softly again saying how much he helped me understand his scope. That we were texting a lot. I knew he was in Milwaukee, he had told me. 

In the end she told me, she saw her son in there, the old personality, caring about his family and the business and not hallowed out and robotic. I told her I was really happy, really good to hear he’s doing well. She told me it would be a year before he’s back. He’s staying in jail then going to rehab. 

It was a good conversation. It was one that isn’t between contractor and their sub. But that’s how it’s been all along. I really like this family. Maybe more than I should. 

Maybe it wasnt a spooky haunted Friday the 13th. Or maybe it was. I just can’t spend a year thinking about the one guy who I clicked with so immediatly. The one I share so many interests with. The one who understands the stresses of my job. The one who we started a disagreement and both got slightly heated with a misunderstanding but quickly resolved it. The one who was nothing like my ex. The one who loves kids and wants a family now. The one who I can’t stop thinking about when he’d keep stealing glances at me during a meeting and said my name every single time he’d say goodbye. 

Fuck man. 

Hello October

Featured photo: an old desk I’m repurposing into a makeup vanity. 

October 1st was a beautiful day. It started chilly, warmed up with full sun to high 60s and ended on a cold note. But it was fantastic. 

I woke at 6:30 am and procrastinated in bed until almost 9. I thought, coffee first, and attempted to do almost anything to avoid mowing the lawn. I even thought about getting on here to talk about my procrastination skills. Instead I bit the bullet and mowed. My lawn, for a city property is actually pretty big. It takes me about 40 minutes to mow it. That doesn’t include trimming or sweeping or raking, cuz let’s be real, I don’t do any of that. 

After the lawn I wrestled this old, real wood desk out of my house to sand it. I bought it from an online post for $40. Usually I don’t like to paint wood, but it needed some touch up and I wasn’t about to re-stain the whole thing. Lots of sanding and 4 cans of spray paint later it was done. Now I’m under the covers with paint fumes invading my bedroom. I’ve got the window wide open hoping to air out the space but my lungs aren’t too pleased. 

I didn’t do laundry or clean the bathroom. I did clean out the sink but it’s filled with dirty dishes again.  I was planning on eating every meal at home, I talked myself out of take out, I had cooked dinner when a friend asked me out to dinner. So, not one to refuse I covered dinner up in plastic wrap and went out. $30 later I was overly full and my calories were triple what I had prepared for dinner. Fuck, I still have corn on the cob in the microwave. :/ 

My period is late by almost 2 weeks. I know I’m not pregnant but I don’t understand. I’ve gone through the motions. My normal ups and downs of emotions and physical symptoms. I’ve just been waiting and waiting, knowing the minute I don’t wear black undies or back up it will strike. Seriously if you’re a dude you will never understand the fear that you bled through your pants. That you’ll wreck another pair of panties, that you’ll leave a bloodstain on your sheets/blanket/mattress or pillow. It’s damn annoying. 

Ok. I’m going to chug my sleepy time tea. Hopefully pass out then finish up work and decorate my yard for Halloween. I’m seriously behind schedule. Only 30 days til Halloween!!!

Feeling weird

Featured Photo: my lunch, steamed chicken breast with broccoli and rice. Nothing amazing but it’s what I ate.

I’ve been feeling strange lately. I don’t know if the single life is catching up with me, or if my lack of motivation and general dislike for the disrepair my house/life has fallen into or what. But I don’t like it.

I want a new plate. A fresh slate. A clean house?

Also my body. I need to get back on board.

I joined Tinder and Ok Cupid again. I’m dealing with the fact that subcontractors might see me on there. I’m single, so fucking be it. I’ve already seen a few. Oh well.
I’ve matched with some people on Tinder – but then it goes dead. I wrote 2 people. One replied briefly, then deleted me, the other is no word. No one has messaged me first.
I’ve gotten a few messages from people on Ok Cupid. They’ve written me before. Nothing new, nothing exciting.

So I looked at my finances. I got paid today and decided I needed to start logging my finances. Sure, I’ve got mint – it tracks all my accounts and credit cards and loans. But I need day to day, control my shit and know where I am with my money. So many bills are auto-debited and I don’t really think, you only have $30 for a week before you dig into your savings, and then I somehow spend $180 at Target and my money is gone.

I got paid today and wrote it all down. Bills, bills, bills, more bills, and then I realized, after being super excited at how large my paycheck was, I have $300 for two weeks before my next paycheck. Generally I think, LOOK AT THIS PAYCHECK! but now I know I need to say, look at the money I will have left after these bills are paid. Quite different excitement levels there.
While most of my life, $150 per week would be lovely, I’ve been a super asshole and just eating away $20-30 per meal cuz I’m a slob and can’t plan a simple meal. I’ve been shopping and blowing $50 here and $80 at Ulta on make up I don’t need. Just today I blew $80 on Amazon, two new lip stains, a card organizer – thats for work and will legit be helpful – a set of 6 knobs for the vanity I’m making, and some ladles that look like the Lock Ness Monster when they stand up in the pot. To be fair, my one ladle is metal and rusting. I got it from the thrift store so I think I can accept that I got cute new ladles to replace that one. The new lip stains. No, there’s no reasoning behind the last 7 lip stains I’ve purchased. Now I know too, boo fucking hoo, you make a lot of money and blow it on useless stuff and you’re complaining while the rest of us are starving to death. I know I get it, I’m an asshole. It’s very true, mo money mo problems. How do billionaires live? How could they possibly spend that much money? Lemme tell you, the more money you get the easier it is to spend, just on useless stuff. (Like 4 bottles of lipstain when you already own 8) Note: I am in no way near being a billionaire, or a millionaire or even like a $10,000 aire. I’m just currently making the most money I’ve ever made in my life and its nice.

I’m excited for the vanity. I bought a small desk off someone online, $40. I plan on sanding and painting it and adding a mirror. Then instead of my day to day makeup in a tupperware container  in the bathroom, and makeup lying across the sink counter, I will have a whole desk for my make up. I’ll even be able to see all the makeup I have in the cabinet that I forget I own. Free up room in the cabinets and be able to organize and actually see all my make up – perhaps be able to curb my incessant purchasing of new make up. It’s a hope in the least.

In order to make room for the new vanity, I emptied out an older, uglier dresser I had purchased for my ex while he lived with me, and I donated 5 bags of clothing to the women’s shelter. Now I still need to in fact, get rid of that older dresser. Sigh.

I also eat, eat eat eat eat! So forcing myself to say, spend the money or make yourself something cheap – thats hopefully going to help me rein in my spending and calories. If I can’t shop maybe I can get back to the gym, though that pesky membership is canceled again and I’m not upset.

The other weirdness is wanting the clean slate. I’m super gung ho to throw things out. I just want to go through every drawer and create a trash/donate/organize bins. Why do i need things I don’t wear? Is it really sentimental if I never use it? If I never see it, does it really make me feel good to know I own it? Do I actually even remember I own it?

It’s a long time coming but I think a purge is on its way. Of course I say that and then i get sad. Not for me – for the item, as if I think that it will be upset to be orphaned after I’ve cared for it all this time. I don’t know what’s in store for it. Will it go to the dump? Be cut up and used as a rag? Will it be burned? The horrors!

But of course I need to buck up and say, Hello, its an inanimate object and this is not Toy Story! Sometimes I think that in years from now it will be super cool and retro and awesome if I kept it. I need to get past all this and say, I will be happier without all this crap!

So, as I hate myself for not doing work, and as I wait for my rice, freezer burned broccoli and chicken breast to cook in my rice cooker – seriously it’s so easy and tasty enough (buy a rice cooker with a steamer basket! one meal made with one device. Awesome!), why don’t i do this more often? I sit here and think of all the things I want to do. I’m also eating cheese slices, because its the one edible thing in front of me while I wait for things to cook rather than be handed to me from a drive-through window, not that I’m doing them but I’m thinking about them. Does it count?

Busy

I’ve been so busy with work. Yesterday I was up until 11 pm writing contracts. Today I started work at 7:30 and chatted with a co-worker until 4:30p when another coworker suggested getting dinner. I got noting done. We laughed, we discussed work, it was a good time. I’m now in bed and thinking about the cute boy I met today. Just through work but he was cute. Not hot like the electrician but cute. 

I also heard news about the electrician. When we first reached out to him, my coworker got his vm. It was a girl’s voice. He was in Cancun with his gf. Sooo just before I met him he had a gf. News to me. 

This new guy I’ll see tomorrow but I don’t know if I’ll see him after. I know I’ve seen him on match or tinder before. He’s adorable like a teddy bear. Every time I’d steal glances at him, I noticed he’d look back at me. Cute!

We’ll see if anything comes from it. 

Complaints

I’ll have to backtrack about the weekend but first I wanted to complain. 

This past week I saw photos from the wedding I stood in. I saw a large girl with huge arms and an overly plump face. It was me.  

In the hotel this weekend I saw my large belly flab that I couldn’t suck in or hide under a sweatshirt because it was so warm. At my parents house, I could see in the bathroom mirror when I turned around my bare butt. It wasn’t cute and round. It was flat, wide, bumpy, and had a sad overall look to it. 

On the drive home yesterday I broke it up by listening to two audio books. One about mini habits for weight loss, and the other about how one woman somehow paid off $18,000 of debt in one year with her $33,000 salary. I call bs on that one but I’m a hater and a pessimist. What can I say?

For weight loss it was, eat more Whole Foods, if you need to stuff your face do it with fruits and veggies rather than potato chips and exercise some. For saving money, don’t spend your money on shit you don’t need. 

It wasn’t mind blowing concepts. It was all do-able things. I thought, yes! I need a change! I can do this! Then I got hungry as I was driving and thought about a cheese dog and ice cream from Dairy Queen. Luckily for my waistline they were closed. 

Once I got home I was tired, warm and well tired. I had no food at home so I could shop, order in or order take out. Somehow my brain thought the most expensive option. With soup, appetizers, a large expensive entree too. $50 later I picked it up and stuffed my face while laying on the couch. 

Wtf happened to weight loss and saving money?

As soon as I came home with 3 bags of food I realized how wasteful of money and overly calorie ridden meal I’d consume. But consume it I did, well except for the soup, though I tried to eat it but my belly hurt. 

I went to bed, sluggish with a full belly and empty wallet. I woke up sluggish, bloated, tired still, over all I felt horrible and I knew it was from eating too much shitty food. 

I still had no food in my house, granted I do have oatmeal which I swore I’d start eating. I ate the soup from yesterday for breakfast with my coffee. Yes. I have no self control or self respect. I also did this in bed while I typed an agenda for a meeting. 

Before my 2 pm meeting I went to McDonalds and got a 2 cheeseburger meal because I wanted the large iced tea. I ate the burgers and large fry in 2 seconds while driving. 

After the meeting I stopped at the food co-op. Figured I could buy lettuce for a salad, maybe some items to make a fruit smoothie with the frozen fruit I have. I ended up with some carrot cake and a PB&J sandwich I just devoured. 

But I told myself I’d type out my shame here. Explain to myself why I weigh 250 lbs. and try to find the motivation to even make a mini habit to break my eating and spending habits. 

Good luck to me. 

Rant over. 

Diets make me cranky

Featured photo: the waves on the lake

Tomorrow is a big day. I mentioned to my friends that I’m going to get nearly 100 pavers to edge my flower beds. That’s a lot of work I just talked myself into. Digging and hauling around 100 pavers. 

Well. Good luck to me actually doing it all. 

No Quitting is what I should be saying to myself but I lack the motivation to give myself a pep talk right now. 

I blame the lack of desserts and my dieting mindset currently.