And then I got my beer…

Wednesday I get a text from Jake the boss guy. He is excited for Friday. I was too. Friday comes and I realized I didn’t clean my house. I procrastinated and procrastinated. I went home for lunch on Friday just to attempt to clean slightly more.

I texted him and we were finally going out. I ran home, threw on a shirt that showed off my boobs but I still had on a hoodie to look kinda chill but also nice?

He may a statement how he was still dirty from work – I thought – ok he’s not trying hard.

I went back and forth in my brain, is this a date or a work thing? I couldn’t tell. Then as we went to get a bite to eat his Baby Mama calls. I really, honestly didn’t know that she was still around. I thought maybe she was downstate. Maybe she had broke up, I really didn’t know.

He told her his parents would drive him home – he would be drinking and his car is busted. He told her not to drive into town to get him.

We ate and joked and it was just a harmless friend dinner. I asked him about the guy I was supposed to go out for drinks with. He told me we needed shots before he could tell me more.

We got shots, we got more beers and we got pretty drunk. He finally admitted that Steve, the guy who asked me out first, and him were talking about how cute I am and how they’d like to double team me. WTF.

I was flattered and offended and mostly drunk but what? Here I am, I thought both of them respected me. I also don’t find myself sexy – I’m literally 100 lbs overweight. I have a big ass and tits and I guess that’s fuckable but I dunno. Seriously?

Then I thought – well hey, he wants to have sex with me. I knew that but didn’t know it was still happening. Then at one point he grabbed my hand to put it on his dick. I grabbed my hand back but I can’t say I wasn’t into it. My friends showed up to the same bar and it was pretty obviously he became jealous when I spoke to my male friend. He had his arms around me, and we were starting to have our hands all over each other. By the time we got to the next bar I was so wasted I shouldn’t have been served. He was denied his drink and just started making out with me. I cant tell you exactly what happened next but he was kicked out of the bar and I found him as he grabbed my hand to walk home and we stopped every so often to grab each other passionately. It was everything I’ve wanted for the longest time ever.

I know at one point he answered the phone to tell someone he would just crash on their couch. I assumed it was his parents who wondered where he was because they didn’t want to wait up to drive him home.

On the way home he pushed me up against a wall to kiss and tell me how much he wanted to fuck me. I couldn’t help but admit and pull his hair and tell him how I’ve wanted to fuck him since the day I met him. He got overly giddy and excited saying I KNEW IT I knew it! The fact that he was so elated to know that I wanted to fuck him made me even more giddy and although I had promised myself that I wouldn’t – that was well out the window now. We started walking again and he grabbed me and started slamming his crotch into my ass – it was hot and I wasn’t even offended though it was a bit rough.

I hadn’t even realized he had pulled his dick out while he attempted to fuck me at an overpass. Anyone that was driving on the highway would have seen it. I told him we needed to get to my house and he said, let me put my dick away.

We stopped a few times while stumbling into each other, sucking on each other’s faces, all the while he kept saying , My dick is so hard! It was a hot, drunken, but passionate endeavor. Then his phone rings. Like 2 houses from mine his phone rings. Like an asshole he always answers his damn phone. I can’t hear much but I can hear a woman screaming. He tells her what street we are on and says my name. MY Name! She knows who I am? He’s never told me about her – He doesn’t talk about her at all and now he tells her he is with me? We’re two houses from mine, he just had his dick out as he tried to fuck me on an overpass 4 minutes ago and now he tells her what street we’re on?

Next thing I know there are headlights and all I can think is some crazy bitch is searching for her baby daddy after he had his dick out on the street. After he got me drunk to tell me how he wanted to double team me with his employee. She pulled up and he said, Get in. Get IN? I said OH HELL NO! And Quickly walked away. I heard him open the door with more screaming. I heard a car squeal away and assumed it was her.

There I was. 2 houses away from fucking the guy I’ve been obsessed with for 1.5 years. Fucking a guy who I know is wrong for me now but I’ve been so infatuated with I was willing to ruin my career for. A guy I knew had a gal at home but I was choosing to ignore. I got inside my house and was partly relieved and partly concerned and partly hoping his relationship would end.

Saturday I was so hungover I was useless. I wanted to text him but I held back. I decided it could wait – we were nothing and it was nothing and it didn’t happen. I kept remembering him telling me how hard his dick was. How much he wanted me. I haven’t had anyone tell me that in a long time though I know this isn’t want I want. I want a relationship. I want marriage and a child. Not a rough fuck and good night.

Today I get a text. He cant find either of his credit cards and wonders if I had an idea. I tell him I have one and ask how his Saturday was. Hungover of course. Then he tells me how Baby Mama wasn’t mad at me and wanted me to know that. She wasn’t mad at me? Wasn’t mad at me for what? For the fact that her baby daddy had his dick out. That she could have caught us all over each other if she was down the road 4 minutes sooner? WTF isn’t she mad at me for?!? I can only assume that he told her something like he was offering me a job at his company – he had mentioned that briefly earlier – which I kinda thought he would want me to work for him. But perhaps he told me this outing was for him to offer me a job and he was walking me home when she came freaking out. I’m assuming she knew nothing about what the entire outing actually was. I’m assuming no one at either bar knew who we were but I can’t be sure.

I’m angry and annoyed and sad all at once. I need to stop. I need to let it go. Then I wondered – does he even remember? Did he black out? He was completely obliterated. I feel the need to tell him tomorrow – maybe sometime next week- who knows when I will have the time to tell him.

It wont matter though. I really don’t know what it could possibly matter. Sigh. My horoscope said that when you have a wish to the universe and it goes unanswered it’s actually the universe blocking something to protect you. Dear lord if his baby mama showing up in the nick of time to prevent me from fucking him – yea that was actually a reallly good sign from the universe.

I guess I can thank some higher power. Now I just need to figure out my life I guess,

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A light at the end of the tunnel?

It’s October. I’ve been waiting since May of last year. Just sitting here dreaming and waiting. Waiting for something magical to happen to me without trying. Just sitting here.

I lost 20 lbs at the beginning of the year. The confidence I gained was off the charts. I bought smaller clothes and was on top of the world. I was still Obese. I was still 80 lbs overweight but I felt like a million dollars.

Weird how that happens. How we tell ourselves we are disgusting but after the smallest change people notice, you notice and the world brightens just a touch.

Something happened between May and now. I gained 25 lbs back. My house is a red neck white trash pit of shit. The outside, the inside and even I’m disgusted with my lack of caring.

What did I do this summer? Laid on the couch and watched tv. Spent too much time on this IPad. Ordered everything from Amazon and went into credit card debt. Ate out at every opportunity and made excuses left and right to never go to the beach, never go hiking, never go camping, just nothing.

Why? Well because I was dreaming and waiting. Waiting for life to become perfect and wonderful and each day it didn’t , each day I realized it happened for someone else and not me – well, I just put myself deeper in the tunnel.

Somehow, the past two years I gained my confidence back intermittently. I became happy and comfortable. I got over the grief of loosing my best friend and adopted pet child. I got over the metal abuse of my ex, I got over so much and then somehow went into a dream world where everything would happen for me. Each time I realized it wasn’t I fell back into the pit. I went home from work to cry. I was deeply depressed and everything was too overwhelming to attempt.

I kept up with work, I made things work. I took out my outrage at my contractors. This week I had another eye opener though.

One of my dream boys was arrested. Again. This time he got out after paying a fine and I was texting him that night. Part of me realized – you cant wait for him, you cant fix him, he can’t be your project. I have to be my own project. The same day I went to talk to a laborer, his employee. As I went into verbal mouth diarrhea – swearing every other word about nothing to do with him – he stoped me and asked me if I wanted to get a beer.

I was completely flabbergasted! I was battling a head cold, I was physically exhausted and my head was foggy. Processing the information was difficult. Say YES! He’s being sarcastic, say something mean! You’re in the wrong, apologize!

I don’t know how long I paused, I don’t remember how I said what I said or.. well much at all. I remember saying – I get it – I can bitch for hours, I’ll stop.

He said, I don’t care, I’m getting paid standing here. I said, No no, I’ll leave. And then walked away.

I felt stupid going off and realized I need to control my emotions. Then his words dawned on me – wait a sec. He was being legit, he wanted to get a beer.

WHAT THE FUCK IS WRONG WITH ME?

Like how dense am I to not realize that was a legit ask out? I’m so wrapped up in my brain that I can’t even figure out he was being nice. I guess I’m used to people being mean, or my self confidence isn’t that high yet.

I think even my dream boy attempted to talk about a beer with me and I instantly shut him down. Sigh. I’m my own worst enemy.

Today is Saturday. I woke up at 8:30 – fairly decent and started cleaning. I’ve organized a few things in my bedroom. I through all my dirty clothes next to the washer. I’ve changed my sheets for the first time in… longer than I care to say. Made my bed and made lists of what I need to accomplish today. It’s already 11 am but hey – I can do this. I realize I put myself in a horrible mood knowing all the things that I need to do that I get overwhelmed and do nothing. Today that will change. One room at a time. I won’t start another room until I finish the one on my list.

Tomorrow I can work on the outside of the house and then I can work on that asshole of a dog I own. He continues to go through my trash, ruin my couch and furniture. He’s pooped upstairs most days and peed a few times as well. The house wreaks of feces.

I also need to organize the basement and try to get all my trash for the dump. If I can clean this house this weekend – maybe I can work on walking my dog, going to the gym, doing anything other than coming home because I need to clean, not going on dates because I can’t even think straight.

I like to dream, I’m just hoping I can turn it into reality this weekend.

Taking a chance and a taco

I’ve been single for years. Read that, years.

I’ve been depressed, full of anxiety and excuses. Lately though, my depression seems to have holes through it, like a moth-hole ridden sweater. The sun shines through and my confidence has risen. I walk around imagining guys staring at my ass or stealing peaks at my breasts. I look in the mirror and the vision of my younger, skinner self is met with the obese, while curvy, chunky, awkward body that is reality.

I’ve attracted guys lately, maybe for longer but it’s hard to acknowledge sometimes. Do they see my curves, red lips, blonde hair and confidence as a turn on? I don’t know but something is there and it’s still working. Not as hard as it use to but it’s there. I don’t really get it. I imagine they see me as skinny but I look in the mirror and wonder, what are they seeing? Let’s be honest, while more “plus size” models are getting coverage, they still have a label. There’s still TV shows with waifs of women but a show with an obese woman is comedy relief or plays the role of sad, fat girl. There’s no overly confident obese girl who has it all in the dating world. It’s still labeled a comedy if it is out there.

That self doubt is courtesy of my married friends who hint that I’ve gained too much weight and my ex, basically everything about me couldn’t attract a guy, or him for that matter. I surround myself with lovely people. (That was sarcasm)

First there was electron telling me I was smart and beautiful. Granted all he ever asked was to sleep with me. He promised me a date but we never got that far. This year there was the Canadian sales person from my regional meeting. Hot, well dressed, tall, smothering me with compliments, seeking me out, buying me drinks, asking me to go out dancing with him… I found out later he was married with a small child soooo hmmm. Next we have the finance corporate guy from my company. While I was obviously swept up with the tall Canadian, he stayed later than anyone else, talking about life, our jobs then took me to get a taco. The taco shop was closed, as it was 2 am and we went to our respected homes/hotel. Granted with that he was asking me questions around my job and what I could do to benefit his job. Hmmm

Ok. Perhaps these guys aren’t great examples. Obviously I’m still single and none have actually led to a date or a boyfriend. Is it me though? Electron I told no, though I wanted to say yes badly, mostly because I was intimidated but also because of my job. With him I left it very open, I appreciated the offer but had to turn him down. The Canadian, I wanted to go dancing with him but I had pulled a muscle in my leg and was limping badly. I couldn’t dance. I was thankful Finance guy was there. And Finance guy, well, he lives in Milwaukee. I was only there for that night.

Now, long story short, this finance guy. He’s younger than me, typical good looking mid-western guy, nothing over the top amazing but he is cute; he deals with people above me. I report to them, they report to him, he reports up the chain to someone else. So he’s not my boss or supervisor at all. He just crunches numbers to report to stock holders or whomever. My job, one of a zillion across the US and Canada; well since he met me, any extra dollars I pull in, he has sent an email thanking me. This is not typical. As, the report doesn’t come from me. It comes from my boss, Finance guy just knows it’s my project because we’ve talked about it.

So this month, only the second month since we met, I decide to flirt back. I sent him an email saying I’m still waiting for a taco, (remember we went to grab a taco but the place was closed). It’s not even technically flirting is it? It’s just asking for a taco. I meant it as flirting, but text is all in the way you read it as to the actual inflection that someone intended with it. I wavered for a minute before sending. Could it be harassment, could it be inappropriate, should I not email corporate? Should I steer clear of inter-company… what? What does/could it mean that I’m waiting for a taco. Some sort of sexual innuendo?

Here I am. Putting my career over flirting, or even just initiating friendship or merely the discussion of lunch? I don’t know. Overthinking what rights I have or the lack there of in a man’s work force. Would I be so intimidated in any other career? I dunno. But I work with nothing but men. All of my superiors, anyone up the ladder that I deal with, all men. For that matter almost all people down the ladder from me are men too. In my region I am the only female in my position, in North America there may be 7-10 females in my role compared to 150+ men. I’m assuming these stats but I know in all of Canada there are 3 females in my role.

The only place I meet guys are through work. I’ve always kept this arms distance, flirt then flee. Don’t be caught being human. Live, sweat, cry, loose hair, gain weight and stress the fuck out for your job but lord forbid, find happiness. So, with a confident push of my buttonless phone I hit send on the two sentence email and waited.

I didn’t wait long. My supervisor told me, Mike is visiting the job next week with Gary. My jaw dropped, What?! I brought it up a few times. How? Why? That wasn’t his role. He didn’t visit projects. He crunches numbers at corporate. While I went through in my head the outfits I might wear while he visited and weather or not I should be vigilant about cleaning my house for a sleepover… do you think it would go there? Gosh I don’t know… I got an email back, “That’s Fair! We will have to address that at some point.” Not flirty, or harmful. Just tacos. In the most corporate, politically correct way ever.

We called Gary who said he had word from Mike that he couldn’t come up. Hmmph.

But, there it was. A simple harmless email about tacos. Each of us only wrote two sentences and I was giddy all day.

It’s nothing really. I eat meals with work people when they visit, often. I don’t generally hang out one on one after drinking at 2 am but, it seemed harmless.

I think the point is, I took a chance. A chance I overthought, I debated, I weighed, I finally said fuck it and did. It was two sentences and neither were shocking. But I did it. I got a pleasant, positive, though possibly a interminable response.

These are the things you celebrate when you believe you are incapable of being more than single. Even a date can seem like a fluke. Online dating is a constant let down when you aren’t as attractive as they may have believed you to be. There’s always a hotter picture someone else has out there to ponder over.

So, with another 4 days of failed diet, my friends in town and then a work trip and work people in town, I need to remember this feeling. Remember the urgency of cleaning my house. The motivation to drop some pounds, for health, clothing fitting and yes, for attractiveness.

This is where I’m at. A sun ray of light shining into my shaded room of self doubt, with a simple sentence about a taco.

Values in dating

I realize there are supposed to be things you look for in a partner.

Common interests, attractiveness, do they want children, etc. for some time I’ve been solely basing my judgement on attractiveness and if they like me, throwing out the rest.

This weekend opened my eyes to another layer, passion. Not passion for love, passion in a relationship or how passionate they are about me, but more so, passionate about life, their goals and work.

I’m very passionate about my job/career. I’ve struggled , cried, fought, and really gone through battle with my education and Career. I’ve lost a relationship over it, I’m sure I’ve taken years off my life, it’s been no easy feat. I’ve been degraded, I’ve been told to give up, that I would fail and it’s only made me want it more. It’s that sick relationship of time and effort and refusing to quit even if it’s not good for you.

My job has given me financial ease, it’s given me great praise and pride. It’s not all bad, and I refuse to have someone else come along and drag me down out of spite, jealousy, or lack of pride in their own career. That’s my issue. Finding a man in this small town area that not only likes his career but takes pride in it. Most people find a job that pays the bills and sticks with it. Mostly despising their choice but feeling that it pays too much to leave it. The few dates I’ve gone on, the men hated their career choice but felt stuck. My ex, put me down more than anyone else, telling me anyone could do my job, that I was worthless and might as well quit. He was obviously a horrible person, I know that, but I cannot have that happen to me again. I cannot be with someone that is upset about me being the breadwinner or making more or being successful or fighting for a career and succeeding at it. He was a teacher and instead of taking pride in a valuable yet underpaid career, he took it out on me and only saw the dollars I was making compared to him. In the end he also felt that since I made more I would pay for everything for him. No. I still want to be taken out to dinner. I refuse to not be given a Christmas or Birthday gift because I could just buy it myself. Yes yes I know- this guy was the worst of the worst- but after 5 years of thinking we were in love; I was the person saying, I’ve put this much time and effort in, maybe I can’t do better. I can’t let that happen again.

The guy from this weekend boasted about his job at a deli counter at a grocery store, and thats excellent that you take pride in that, but never bothered to ask what I do. In fact he cut me off to continue talking about his job to me.

I refuse to not be acknowledged by a possible suitor. My friends made fun of me that I was upset he never asked me about my career… maybe that’s normal, maybe that’s them being assholes, I don’t care this time.

My next boyfriend will acknowledge that I’ve worked hard to be successful. I want them to be proud of me just as I want to be of them. I want us to encourage each other to gain more success and truly understand each other when we have a bad day.

I need someone with the same motivation as me, the same passion and drive and empathy when shit goes bad.

That’s why I’m obsessed with electron. He’s attractive and lives to work rather than works to live. It’s not the best life. It’s not an easy life. And in the end, what do you have? A life spent slaving away for someone else. But some of us are just built that way.

I’ve found the value that was missing… now I just need to figure out how to find it.

A drunken attempt

Featured photo: an outhouse from the Trenary Outhouse Classic.

The Outhouse Classic is a race in which people build an outhouse, mandatory to be on skis and have a toilet seat, and race it down the Main Street of a tiny town called Trenary.

Every year my friends and I travel to this tiny town to watch the race. A track is built of snow down the street and people line up, generally drink in hand to cheer the racers as they push their creations along the track.

This year I worried that I would get instantly drunk due to my diet. I haven’t been eating as much or drinking for that matter. It was a solid fear as I instantly became hammered and nothing else mattered.

My friend was talking to a guy who had Whiskey in a can. It was tasty and tasted like Brandy. Fast forward hours later and apparently I not only told the guy to come home with me, I told my friend, who was staying with me, I was going to have sex with him but she would have to go upstairs. This is not me. This guy wasn’t attractive, he wasn’t my type, he wasn’t outstandingly intelligent or anything that I’d be attracted to. I think he was just there.

My crush had texted me that morning, he had sent me an email saying he’d be up this weekend. I asked if we could meet on Monday. Then Saturday he told me a road was closed due to weather. He couldn’t travel up here. We texted a few times then I sent him a video saying it’s what he was missing by moving further away. I had him on the brain and wanted to take him home. So the next best thing was a guy paying attention to me right?

I was wrong. This guy was more and more of a dud as the day went on. He lives about 30 minutes away and canceled his ride to go with us. I didn’t realize he’d have no way back home. He then stayed with us. From 1p – 12:30p the next day when I told him he would have to get someone to pick him up.

It was awkward and weird. He never made a move either which I appreciated but also was like, what’s the point?

He told me over and over again about his job but never bothered to ask me about mine. He admitted to living with his parents, I own my own home. Im 38, he’s 28. I’m not trying to be a bitch by putting others down on their career choice or anything but I’d like to at least find someone that has the same drive and amount of passion as I do.

He slept on the couch and I was thankful I sobered up enough to know not to sleep with him. I still only want my crush but I at least attempted to expand my horizons.

Now I really need to know, is my crush an option or ami really throwing myself out there?

Dream man

I’ve been meaning to write since last week. I was in Milwaukee for a week long meeting and it was fun and intense and stressful and upsetting. Oh did I mention painful, I hurt my leg.

It was nice seeing colleagues I hadn’t seen in years. It was great meeting people I had only talked to on the phone. It was fun to be in a click with the Michigan team, even though I’ve belonged to the Wisconsin team for the past 5 years. It was really nice to meet the Canadian team and be flirted with by one of them…

He was tall, long hair swept back, lean and well dressed with a touch of shabbiness to it. You knew he anguished over his style but it was disheveled just enough to look as if he didn’t try- he just looked that good when he awoke. He is from Montreal with a heavy French accent, and he sought me out.

I had stood to make a comment on women empowerment. I received heavy applause and I want to say mostly from the Canadians. One by one they made their way throughout the week to tell me they appreciated what I had to say. But one in general told me several times. He called me woman power. Then he started calling me Beauty, then Darling.

Swoon.

He wanted to go dancing on the last night, he took my hands and pulled me from my chair. I couldn’t if I wanted to though. I had pulled a muscle and I was limping badly. I knew it was for the best but I couldn’t help being sad. I’d love to be wasted and make out with him. He was so sexy and charming and… sigh.

I got back home late Thursday night. I was ready to add him on LinkedIn, ask him to visit me. I just had that intuition though. That doubt and second guessing. I FB stalked him only to find he was married with a small child.

I was crushed and hurt and angry. During our meetings I had scanned the room to find him meeting my gaze. I noticed how, like most of us, sat with our teams, and his team sat across the ballroom from my group; but he always came to my side of the room during breaks, which I would exchange a smile or start a conversation while walking around. I had fantasized about this man during speakers. He had given me pet names, begged me to go out with him, taken my hands and pulled me to him. Had we gotten anywhere alone he could have enchanted my pants to come off without a second thought, all the while, unknown to me, his wife and child waited for him at home.

My friends all say, you didn’t have sex with him so what’s the big deal. They are married; I guess this behavior is normal to their relationship? Granted, he truly did nothing “wrong”, but I certainly wouldn’t appreciate that behavior from someone I was married to. And where the fuck was his ring?

Since then I found myself daydreaming about electron. I realize I’m living in a fantasy and really need to wake up.

Being single in a sea of married couples

I know I’m not the last single person on the planet but at times it can feel that way. The loneliness isn’t the issue, its having every other coupled human feeling sad for you and reminding you how alone you are. Its getting the fact drilled back at you – you know you could get with this pathetic other loser who is alone and can’t seem to find anyone else to co-mingle with. Gee thanks, but I’m good, PS. you’re an Asshole.

That exact conversation hasn’t happened but I wish at least I could muster the part about calling people out. For instance my friend just got married. She had a ridiculously small wedding, close friends and family. She called me out when she played Single Ladies and said – you’re the ONLY SINGLE LADY HERE. You’re the only one not married so you have to dance to this – its your song!

I know she thought she was being hilarious – but she was being a flaming bitch.

Other friends like to point out how Sad it is that I’ll be spending a Christmas alone – ALONE! Fuck really? Am I alone? Oh Jesus let me get out the noose and find a step stool. Thanks jackass.

Why are married couples so dead set on pointing out the failures of single people? Why can’t people be single, be alone, and happy? Why can’t they just be?

Granted the same friend that is so upset I am alone is also a raging bitch when I talk about people I’m interested in or me thinking about hooking up with someone – but apparently I’m “Too Old” for one night stands. Oh Damn, I didn’t see that one in the rule book on life.

On the other hand – I’ve heard time and time again you are attracted to someone like your parents. It happened in my last relationship.

At first there were several red flags but I was so happy to be in a relationship I didn’t care. I wanted the relationship first and the companion second. I thought if I just brushed them aside that it could work – that things would change or maybe I could just change. Live and learn right?

Things were never great, things were always on the verge of disaster- but there was so much going on in both our lives. I was starting a new chapter in my life – I got the internship I was hoping for and just graduated college. He was coming back to college or err leaving college? I don’t remember. He wanted to go out West and begin his own new beginning. I wanted to stay planted and see what my internship could lead to.

In the end – 5 years down the road – he still wanted a new beginning elsewhere and I still wanted to remain planted. I was still making more money than him, we both had careers but I bought a house, got a dog, was raising his cats, had responsibilities and was 35 wanting to start a family. He was a man child with daddy issues and daydreams that were in the stars.

Things had been bad for years. I would think/talk about leaving him but my friends all said – you have to work, relationships are hard. They would tell me I needed to try harder. I needed to change.

I did change. By the end of our dying relationship -I was a shell of my former self. A weak, spent, overly manipulated shell trying to please everyone but myself. I was so broken I believed my ex when he told me I needed to sell my house and get rid of the cats he left me with, and my dog, because I could never make it on my own.

Granted I had been making it on my own while supporting  him along the way and the bastard had broken my spirit so far that I believed him that I couldn’t survive without him.

Today, as I sat here with my Mom and Dad I realize how my ex was with me is the same as how my Dad treats my Mom. He is mean, never kind, he treats her like dirt yet makes her wait on him hand and foot but also says things to her in a way that makes her feel like she is stupid. He ignores her when he wants but how dare she not be listening and obeying his every word. My Dad is a horrible person to my Mom. My Mom only wants to help, her every fiber in her body is to help you -get you food, get you something to drink, let me take the dog out, do your laundry etc.

I chose to cook, I told her I’d let the dog out – I would be an adult and she was almost sad. Her whole life has simply been as a maid, cook and butler to my father. I saw my own life while I was with my ex as that person. The exact same.

I wish I could take my Mom out of the situation – but I don’t know that she would experience the same joy as I did when I finally realized I was free of a giant leach draining me of money, time, and emotional energy. I love my Dad cuz he is my Dad and at times I dislike him for how shitty he treats my Mother.

It also makes me realize how happy I am to be alone. I know not all people are bad but honestly – its better to be on my own and supporting myself than on my hands and knees pleading for the support of someone else. The statement that I need to “Get yourself a Man” makes me want to punch people in the face. I’m very capable of buying, owning and maintaining a house – which I am doing, without a “Man”. I have a career which is pretty damn good and I dunno what more I could be doing if I had “a Man” in my life. Now a partner, a best friend, a baby daddy even – that could be pretty good – but I don’t need a fucking Man in my life to merely get by.  I’m doing pretty good on my own just being a female.

Bats in my belfry

It’s been 2 years since my relationship crumbled. 2 years since I’ve even kissed anyone. It’s strange to think about. 

I’ve never been a big dater. I go from relationship to dry spell to relationship. But being older, fatter, and a hermit (I like to poke fun at myself) decreases your luck of a new date. I’ve been trying, thinking about what I wear and putting on make-up rather than rolling out of bed and putting on anything that appeared clean, wrinkled or not. I’ve been on the dating sites, gone on a few dates, but this town is small and the online dating pool is even smaller. 

Friday I worked from Starbucks. Excited a young cute fellow with a charming southern accent asked if the seat next to me was taken. I attempted small talk for a minute but he was wrapped up in his iPad. 

Friday night I saw the new movie Life with married friends. The theater was empty. Saturday, I had brunch with the same married couple, then went to an RV/outdoor rec expo. I attempted to smile at any man in sight, but everyone is wrapped up in their phone, or friends, or obviously with a significant other, that communication doesn’t really happen between people. 

At one point my friend was talking to a sales guy, and his personality was charming. I stared at him, almost willing him to look at me. I inspected every detail of his face. His hair-do, it was different and suited his face, his framed glasses that were unique, the strands of grey/silver hair throughout his head, I couldn’t distinguish an age though his face was youthful.  I inspected all of it while obviously staring like a full on stalker, being annoyed he didn’t once glance at me. Now, part of me being such a creeper, and quite obvious to it, is the fact that he was a sales person. I’d be a horrific sales person. But you know their game, firm eye contact with their prey, making them feel like the only person who matters, which is why I assumed I’d get away with my extreme gaze. 

At the end of the conversation, his focus still locked on my married friend, who also was the person with intentions of purchasing something, he said goodbye and  as we all turned to walk away he quickly turned to me and said, I like your Misfits shirt. 

WTF. All that time. Staring at him, inspecting his every detail, trying to find a wedding ring, or lack there of (that hand was in a pocket). Thinking he hadn’t even noticed I was awkwardly standing by. But, I like your band tshirt, means little right?

Let me break it down, as I tend to over analyze everything. 

1. The Misfits are well known and not. They were/are an underground garage horror punk band from late 70s/early 80s. They weren’t really around long before Danzig got moody and decided to go solo. People have a cult following to the band, numerous bands have covered their songs, the skull logo, or Crimson ghost, is easily recognized, tho some people may not know what it’s for but I’m sure they’ll say they’ve seen it. Also the band kinda got back together in the 2000s, and just last year Danzig and 2 original (if you count Doyle as original but let’s not get picky…) performed 2 shows, one of which I was at. Now I’m going on a tangent. My point is, the band isn’t for everyone tho many may recognize it. 

2. He acknowledged my band tshirt. Is he a fan? Was it just a compliment to the shirt? The band? The person in the shirt? 

3. Was it still just a -I’m a likable guy, I like your friends, buy something from me ploy?

As we walked away my friend said, You should have given him your number! And I thought, What!?!

Dating before, it was all about slipping someone your number. There was no internet dating, social media, nothing. If you liked someone you could attempt to set up a meeting spot, if not connect on the spot, or give them your digits and pray you were home or an answering machine was around. Ok let’s be legit, by the time I was 20 I had a cell phone and before that I had a pager. Still it was a cut throat world. (I’m being dramatic I know, go with it)

How tho, in this day and age do you give someone, in passing, your number? Do you walk around with scraps of paper, prime to distribute? Do you hand out business cards randomly? How? Especially when they make one comment towards you at the end of a conversation? And did anyone see a ring? What about a girlfriend? How would we know?

Am I getting too crazy? Welcome to my brain.  How does one ask out someone now a days? How did we ever? It was different meeting someone in High school or college. Meeting friends of friends or being wasted at a bar and dancing up on someone until you’re in a corner making out and finally exchange numbers, and first names… that was easy. But now, in our late 30s with our phones applied directly in front of our faces, when we text and are surprised when our phones rings- who calls anymore anyway? – when we hit the bar less, go to bed early and wake up early and rarely do anything late, how do people meet?

I was excited that he spoke to me after purposefully assuming he wouldn’t. Is that just because I assumed he wouldn’t? Was it made more exciting by my friend thinking it was something? I immediately felt like a teenager and a boy I liked just punched me in the arm. I don’t know how to take it. I giggled and said no way I’d give him my number … but why?

As any good single lady of the late 2010s (do we have a name for this decade? You can’t just call it the 10s, and soon we’ll be in the 20’s but 1920 was ONLY 100 years ago. We’re more clever than that..aren’t we?) … can you tell I’m half asleep? My brain is wandering… anyway I got home and quickly googled searched him. 

Easy enough, I knew where he worked and his first name. Told you this town was small. His FB is a work profile. I browsed the white pages and an address listed is 2 blocks from me (if that’s accurate/recent). He’s 1 year older than me and no mention of family but no mention of the lack there of either. 

Is that creepy that I learned all that? Again it was a 10 sec google search. 

Part of me thinks, I could send a FB note. I could reach out to him, but all from a “I like your tshirt” comment? It’s esssntially the same as a craigslist missed connections ad right? Only this time you know the intended audience will see it. 

I dated a guy once from essentially the same situation. He stood behind while at a bar and said, “Hey Phil Collins” referring to the music playing. I had said the same to my friend at the same time and we acknowledged that Phil Collins is awesome (I mean duh). We chatted enough for him to tell me where he worked, I googled him and wrote him an email. He ended up being pretty crazy and we dated for a few months, he’s a whole different chapter for another time tho. 

Sigh. I’m kinda torn on where to go from here Mr. tshirt sales guy (he wasn’t selling tshirts lol). 

Featured Picture: Picture of a bat Halloween decoration on my porch. Yes, it’s March and he’s been up there since 2013