Hello October

Featured photo: an old desk I’m repurposing into a makeup vanity. 

October 1st was a beautiful day. It started chilly, warmed up with full sun to high 60s and ended on a cold note. But it was fantastic. 

I woke at 6:30 am and procrastinated in bed until almost 9. I thought, coffee first, and attempted to do almost anything to avoid mowing the lawn. I even thought about getting on here to talk about my procrastination skills. Instead I bit the bullet and mowed. My lawn, for a city property is actually pretty big. It takes me about 40 minutes to mow it. That doesn’t include trimming or sweeping or raking, cuz let’s be real, I don’t do any of that. 

After the lawn I wrestled this old, real wood desk out of my house to sand it. I bought it from an online post for $40. Usually I don’t like to paint wood, but it needed some touch up and I wasn’t about to re-stain the whole thing. Lots of sanding and 4 cans of spray paint later it was done. Now I’m under the covers with paint fumes invading my bedroom. I’ve got the window wide open hoping to air out the space but my lungs aren’t too pleased. 

I didn’t do laundry or clean the bathroom. I did clean out the sink but it’s filled with dirty dishes again.  I was planning on eating every meal at home, I talked myself out of take out, I had cooked dinner when a friend asked me out to dinner. So, not one to refuse I covered dinner up in plastic wrap and went out. $30 later I was overly full and my calories were triple what I had prepared for dinner. Fuck, I still have corn on the cob in the microwave. :/ 

My period is late by almost 2 weeks. I know I’m not pregnant but I don’t understand. I’ve gone through the motions. My normal ups and downs of emotions and physical symptoms. I’ve just been waiting and waiting, knowing the minute I don’t wear black undies or back up it will strike. Seriously if you’re a dude you will never understand the fear that you bled through your pants. That you’ll wreck another pair of panties, that you’ll leave a bloodstain on your sheets/blanket/mattress or pillow. It’s damn annoying. 

Ok. I’m going to chug my sleepy time tea. Hopefully pass out then finish up work and decorate my yard for Halloween. I’m seriously behind schedule. Only 30 days til Halloween!!!

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Complaints

I’ll have to backtrack about the weekend but first I wanted to complain. 

This past week I saw photos from the wedding I stood in. I saw a large girl with huge arms and an overly plump face. It was me.  

In the hotel this weekend I saw my large belly flab that I couldn’t suck in or hide under a sweatshirt because it was so warm. At my parents house, I could see in the bathroom mirror when I turned around my bare butt. It wasn’t cute and round. It was flat, wide, bumpy, and had a sad overall look to it. 

On the drive home yesterday I broke it up by listening to two audio books. One about mini habits for weight loss, and the other about how one woman somehow paid off $18,000 of debt in one year with her $33,000 salary. I call bs on that one but I’m a hater and a pessimist. What can I say?

For weight loss it was, eat more Whole Foods, if you need to stuff your face do it with fruits and veggies rather than potato chips and exercise some. For saving money, don’t spend your money on shit you don’t need. 

It wasn’t mind blowing concepts. It was all do-able things. I thought, yes! I need a change! I can do this! Then I got hungry as I was driving and thought about a cheese dog and ice cream from Dairy Queen. Luckily for my waistline they were closed. 

Once I got home I was tired, warm and well tired. I had no food at home so I could shop, order in or order take out. Somehow my brain thought the most expensive option. With soup, appetizers, a large expensive entree too. $50 later I picked it up and stuffed my face while laying on the couch. 

Wtf happened to weight loss and saving money?

As soon as I came home with 3 bags of food I realized how wasteful of money and overly calorie ridden meal I’d consume. But consume it I did, well except for the soup, though I tried to eat it but my belly hurt. 

I went to bed, sluggish with a full belly and empty wallet. I woke up sluggish, bloated, tired still, over all I felt horrible and I knew it was from eating too much shitty food. 

I still had no food in my house, granted I do have oatmeal which I swore I’d start eating. I ate the soup from yesterday for breakfast with my coffee. Yes. I have no self control or self respect. I also did this in bed while I typed an agenda for a meeting. 

Before my 2 pm meeting I went to McDonalds and got a 2 cheeseburger meal because I wanted the large iced tea. I ate the burgers and large fry in 2 seconds while driving. 

After the meeting I stopped at the food co-op. Figured I could buy lettuce for a salad, maybe some items to make a fruit smoothie with the frozen fruit I have. I ended up with some carrot cake and a PB&J sandwich I just devoured. 

But I told myself I’d type out my shame here. Explain to myself why I weigh 250 lbs. and try to find the motivation to even make a mini habit to break my eating and spending habits. 

Good luck to me. 

Rant over. 

Out of town: Day 1 of 22 

Featured photo: sunset from my parents town

I meant to leave town yesterday. I thought I’d be here for my parents 50th wedding anniversary surprise party. Yup. Fail bus. 

I’ve been exhausted. I’ve been trying to veg out, be a touch social and still get all my work done. I’ve been working 14 hour days. Working on the weekends and I’m still not prepared for this coming week. 

I thought I could go to the chiropractor and see my dentist for a check up then drive to my parents town 7 hours away on Friday. Easy peasey. 

Insert failbus. Like a huge tour bus of fail. You see, in order to leave from the dentist meant my work had to be done. It also meant on Thursday my house would need to be cleaned and I would be packed for a weekend at my parents, a week in the office downstate and 2 weeks of car camping/ possible backpacking in conditions from 40 degree mountains to 100 degree valleys.

Wanna know how I spent my Thursday night? Working until 11 pm at night. Yup. Awesome. 

Friday I was called to research more items, take pictures and measurements, send emails, answer phone calls etc. I decided by 4 pm I needed a nap then I could pack and drive. When I woke up at 6 pm I vetoed driving for fear of falling asleep. Suddenly it was 11 pm and I had time warped into the future somehow just by sitting on the couch. Still not packed, I went to bed.  Geared to wake up in 5 hours. 

Of course I laid in bed longer than I should, I debated on what to pack and how and finally crunch time came and went and in a hurricane action I threw stuff in bags, threw it in my car and without looking back I left. 3 hours later than I should have. 

I arrived 2 hours late to my parents party. So far on night one of 22 nights away from home, I already think I forgot to pack my glasses. MY GLASSSES! I’ve got at least one pair of extra contacts for the next 22 days and i do not have decent vision. I can’t drive, I can barely walk without glasses or contacts. Hopefully I threw them in my other bag and quickly searching in the dark I simply missed them. Otherwise I pray my dog sitter can express mail them to me. Ekk.  Not going to lie, I’m freaking out. 

Also, remember my sexting subcontractor? He texted me at 3 am again. I sent him a follow up text saying it was unfair he only texted after bar close and he needed to invite me out for a drink. He replied a few hours later, You’re right. I’ll make it up. 

We spoke several times on Wednesday and Thursday about work. I could hear him smiling on the other line, I enjoyed how he said Hello & Goodbye with my name. How we started just saying Hey when answering the phone and smiling. I’m smitten. Fully smitten with this boy. Now I have to wait 22 days before we’re even in the same town. 

22 days wondering if he’s sexting someone else at 3 am. If he remembers his promise to make it up to me or that I even exist. 

Arggg. He’s really really adorable. 

Some people say they met someone and instantly knew they were going to marry them. That they were going to pursue them until it happened. Sometimes I think that I think that about everyone. But I want to say that about this guy. He’s the bees knees. 

Sigh. It’s dreamy just thinking about him. 

baby steps to Tuesday

Today’s featured image: The sunrise from my backyard this morning.

Human contact. It’s something I never thought would be an issue for me. I grew up extremely shy and hid from the world. When I realized that there was a whole world I wanted to see, or at least a small sliver, I knew I had to face my fear and get out there. Now I can talk to just about anyone. I still get nervous, I’m still shy but it’s a daily battle of what is more important. I love to socialize! The issue now is that I work from home most days. Sometimes I don’t even leave the house except to let my dog out. Even then I just stand in my backyard in my pajamas. I never see people anymore. And yes I have friends but they are all 29/30 and married couples. Many who have adopted me as their third wheel life partner for dinner dates and such, but you don’t meet new people sitting at someone’s home.

Today was no different. But I did adjust my comforter after waking up so I could still claim my bed as being made. You know after you do something 50 zillion times, I hear it becomes a habit. The house is still crazy disorganized mess but baby steps…

My friends are coming up on Thursday, good motivation to finish organizing/cleaning. Tomorrow instead of traveling for work I get to fill in for a co-worker here in my home town… I’m sure I’ll explain my job at some point.

But most importantly today, I used this blog as motivation to hit the gym and be mindful of my diet. Wacky concept I know. I’m the best at procrastination. I’m really great at talking myself out of opportunities but baby steps to healthy choices, right?

Baby Step- Dr Marvin from ‘What About Bob?’ knew what was up! haha I love that movie – and if you haven’t seen it, stop being crazy and watch it. Life Changing.

I’m currently on Weight Watchers and have gained weight because I’m irresponsible. I have a gym membership for over 2 months but tonight was only my second visit. Well, now I’m letting you hold me responsible and I want you to guilt me. Go to the gym… Go outside… Talk to a human face to face!

And then be proud of me, I was on the elliptical for 30 minutes. And while I did contemplate quitting at 15 minutes, then again at 20, 25, 28 and 29, I made it all the way to 30 minutes and not a second more!

I swear I’m not as much of a disaster as I may sound, but I’m here to be honest, and I’ve really got to get myself back together before 38 rolls around in 361 days.

Sunday is for the lazy

Day 3. I woke up around 10 am. Sometime around noon I hauled the broken snowblower out of the shed and through the snow, closer to the deck. I believe the carburetor is the problem, and I have a replacement kit, but I can’t get access. I have a firm belief that a hammer can fix most things, but I still couldn’t get the damn knob off the shifter. I also realized I missed one bolt on the cover – and without a 10 mm crescent wrench – the snowblower is left to sit in the snow, broken for the 2nd year in a row.

I was about to call a friend when I realized how disgusting my house was. Dirty clothes, dirty dishes, just overall disarray. I know the issue, I have depression and I bet a touch of ADD and hoarders complex. Admitting it is the first step to any solution right?
When I realized I’d be too embarrassed to have my friend come in my house, I knew I had to ditch the snowblower project, again, and start cleaning the house.

I started by making my bed. This included dumping all the clean clothes I had dumped there last week onto the floor since I wasn’t sure what was clean or dirty. Then I had to do loads of laundry, which brought me into the bathroom. Here I started organizing the cabinets above the washer and I found 4 empty soap dispensers. I realized I had kept them to use them to refill foaming soap with water and body wash. Whalla, cheap foaming hand soap! The problem is I still have over 20 hand soap pumps full because I went insane buying them during a sale 2 years ago.  See what I mean about being a hoarder? Thankfully I threw all the empty ones away.

From the cabinets I went to under the sink to look for a sponge, instead I organized quickly to find I had over 160 panty liners, multiple boxes of tampons, and more toothpaste and deodorant, shampoo than I ever thought I owned. Mental note: Stop buying things when they are on sale.

From there I bleached down the toilet, scrubbing bubbled the shower, added dishes to the dishwasher and finally went back to make my bed. 5 loads of laundry later I have a made bed but piles of clean laundry on it waiting to be folded. See the ADD pattern – I never quite make it through one task before starting another. This throughout the day leads to nothing seeming to be completed. Everything only half done.

Though I may not have fixed my snowblower, I do have a clean toilet, clean wrinkled clothes, I reattached my closet door that had fallen off last week, and I finally brought in the outdoor christmas decorations that had been sitting by the front door for a few weeks, though they are only sitting in a box on my coffee table… but baby steps, right? I still spent most of the day watching TV. Can you tell what a mess my personal life is yet?

Day 3 of being 37. No exercise. Limited access to the outdoors. No human contact. But clean laundry and a made bed. Better than nothing.