The flip flop

Last Sunday I came to the decision that, essentially, I had to work to be happy. Happiness isn’t something that just happens- – like the sun shines. It’s something that you have to work for – you have to make the decision to have a good day. As they say it takes more muscles to smile than it does to frown.

For me – I had all these things that I was procrastinating on. It was easier to be unhappy living in a filthy house, than it was to clean it. Though the few times I could have invited a guy back to my place it was too disgusting to do so. Granted – I don’t need a booty call in my life either.

Having a dirty house upset me, but I couldn’t break out of the cycle and force myself to clean it. Just like I cant force myself to go to the gym or eat healthy and log my calories.

Last week I went to the gym and met with my trainer. I vowed to hit the gym twice more that week and well I didn’t but! I did however ask my Customer on Tuesday for his brother’s phone number. His brother had asked me casually out for a beer while we were talking about work and I was too self involved to realize what was happening.

I made my first move to flat out ask a guy out. This is how dating happens – well it could have happened sooner had I been happy enough with myself to realize when a guy asks a girl out.

I also cleaned my house all week in hopes for a possible visitor after I had texted him and asked him out for a beer. We made plans for Friday and I was jumping for joy all week – or at least two days. I went out with a co-worker on Wednesday and Thursday, just before I had plans with a friend to go to an art exhibit, I got a text. He had to cancel our date.

I realize that I had planned out my life with this guy – dates, vacations, marriage and children. I fantasized about him at night and when I woke up. I literally became insane with the thought of getting a beer with him.

Do I actually know if he likes me? Did he really just want to stop standing in the cold and find a way to change the subject? I really don’t know.

I was slightly discouraged but we called it a rain check and I was hopeful for the following week (this week).

At the art exhibit I ran into a very close friend from 9 years ago! Well it had been 9 years since we spoke last. It ended badly and in the end he apologized and I really enjoyed talking to hm for 45 minutes.

Friday night I was a little bummed that I didn’t have my date to go on but I cleaned a bit and the day went by quickly. Saturday morning i rushed around to finish cleaning for a potluck dinner and pumpkin carving with friends. At first I thought there would only be 4 of us but by the end of the night there were 8 of us plus two children! What a fun amazing happy time. We laughed like banshees and ended the night at midnight. The next morning I cleaned, raked the yard – finally taking care of compost heap in my driveway since July and was just proud of myself.

Here I was taking my life back. I didn’t hate cleaning or raking. I was feeling so proud and accomplished that I was happy. It didn’t feel like work. To be honest it felt better than sitting on my IPad playing stupid childish games.

Thursday before the art exhibit I even mowed the backyard and picked up dog poop that was long over due! I mean all the things I got done! I started making my bed and each morning fixed it so that it was made again! I completed one full week of walking my dog each morning around the block before showering. I believe it will get harder to continue once the snow flies but I haven’t broken a morning yet.

Saturday night at the party we discussed New Years and I imagined having a date. We talked about the bog walk this coming weekend and I thought – what if that was our first date – we talked about going out for drinks in our costumes on Saturday and I thought about him joining. I can’t really say what else I thought about but it was all grand and I realized in the moment how happy I was to have a plus one.

Today I realized – I don’t have a plus one. I don’t even have a true date planned. We have a rain check. The customer – his brother – made a joke of me being happy – he said You got Laid! I said no! But he was like AHHHH you did!

It’s a very high school work relationship we have. Basically we tease each other like high school kids who haven’t matured past 15.

Then I thought – I haven’t gotten laid, I haven’t even gotten a date or a beer. Here I am just happy to think about someone potentially being my date and its enough for people to think I got laid? Then I thought – what if he thinks its with his brother and its not. What if he tells his brother and he doesn’t even want to ask me out cuz he thinks I’m fucking someone else. What if????

Well… I never admitted to having sex with anyone – that was him. But gosh. Here I am planning my life again with no one. I don’t even know if he’s really interested – I really have no idea. Do I let him text me? Do I text him? CHILL OUT !

Maybe I should really just look at Tinder and attempt conversations with people again. I had one going but he worked over nights in a town 40 minutes away -kinda difficult to make a date.

Another guy was cool to talk to for a minute then he wanted my phone number immediately. It was just a little too forward? Like what about – do you have a job, are you a serial killer?

I’ve only told one friend about me asking him out for a beer. I also told her he canceled on me. Sigh. The cancel was legit – a family member was moving last weekend. I had overheard his brother tell someone else. Then I asked the brother what he was doing on the weekend. He confirmed.

So now I’m torn. Do I text him? Do I let him text me? Was I too sarcastic? I’m sure it will happen, right?

I even thought about how the guy who I know I shouldn’t be interested in, how it will show him because I’m dating someone else. Then I saw him this morning and he was cuter than ever – I don’t know what happened but his face was just so cute, Sigh.

My brain is flip flopping between being happy and being terrified I’m losing another make believe boyfriend.

Maybe I do need therapy. At least my house is clean, I made an effort to clean up and do dishes prior to going to bed. and my laundry is almost done. My bed was made when I got into it just now – and I wouldn’t be too embarrassed if someone came over inside my house. Now the porch – ekk – that’s something I should work on!

I have to be proud of myself for having a clean house. It’s been a long time. I still have the basement and 2nd floor before its officially clean but right now – It’s a huge step in the right direction of becoming a functional adult again. Soon I hope to make the gym a stable habit and lose this weight that’s been bringing me down.

I guess like I say – baby steps. But also, when your happy, others can tell and are attracted to your happiness. I just need to keep up the happiness. Let’s try. And lets hope I still get a date this week. I’m going to try to keep sane and not dominate the situation.

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A light at the end of the tunnel?

It’s October. I’ve been waiting since May of last year. Just sitting here dreaming and waiting. Waiting for something magical to happen to me without trying. Just sitting here.

I lost 20 lbs at the beginning of the year. The confidence I gained was off the charts. I bought smaller clothes and was on top of the world. I was still Obese. I was still 80 lbs overweight but I felt like a million dollars.

Weird how that happens. How we tell ourselves we are disgusting but after the smallest change people notice, you notice and the world brightens just a touch.

Something happened between May and now. I gained 25 lbs back. My house is a red neck white trash pit of shit. The outside, the inside and even I’m disgusted with my lack of caring.

What did I do this summer? Laid on the couch and watched tv. Spent too much time on this IPad. Ordered everything from Amazon and went into credit card debt. Ate out at every opportunity and made excuses left and right to never go to the beach, never go hiking, never go camping, just nothing.

Why? Well because I was dreaming and waiting. Waiting for life to become perfect and wonderful and each day it didn’t , each day I realized it happened for someone else and not me – well, I just put myself deeper in the tunnel.

Somehow, the past two years I gained my confidence back intermittently. I became happy and comfortable. I got over the grief of loosing my best friend and adopted pet child. I got over the metal abuse of my ex, I got over so much and then somehow went into a dream world where everything would happen for me. Each time I realized it wasn’t I fell back into the pit. I went home from work to cry. I was deeply depressed and everything was too overwhelming to attempt.

I kept up with work, I made things work. I took out my outrage at my contractors. This week I had another eye opener though.

One of my dream boys was arrested. Again. This time he got out after paying a fine and I was texting him that night. Part of me realized – you cant wait for him, you cant fix him, he can’t be your project. I have to be my own project. The same day I went to talk to a laborer, his employee. As I went into verbal mouth diarrhea – swearing every other word about nothing to do with him – he stoped me and asked me if I wanted to get a beer.

I was completely flabbergasted! I was battling a head cold, I was physically exhausted and my head was foggy. Processing the information was difficult. Say YES! He’s being sarcastic, say something mean! You’re in the wrong, apologize!

I don’t know how long I paused, I don’t remember how I said what I said or.. well much at all. I remember saying – I get it – I can bitch for hours, I’ll stop.

He said, I don’t care, I’m getting paid standing here. I said, No no, I’ll leave. And then walked away.

I felt stupid going off and realized I need to control my emotions. Then his words dawned on me – wait a sec. He was being legit, he wanted to get a beer.

WHAT THE FUCK IS WRONG WITH ME?

Like how dense am I to not realize that was a legit ask out? I’m so wrapped up in my brain that I can’t even figure out he was being nice. I guess I’m used to people being mean, or my self confidence isn’t that high yet.

I think even my dream boy attempted to talk about a beer with me and I instantly shut him down. Sigh. I’m my own worst enemy.

Today is Saturday. I woke up at 8:30 – fairly decent and started cleaning. I’ve organized a few things in my bedroom. I through all my dirty clothes next to the washer. I’ve changed my sheets for the first time in… longer than I care to say. Made my bed and made lists of what I need to accomplish today. It’s already 11 am but hey – I can do this. I realize I put myself in a horrible mood knowing all the things that I need to do that I get overwhelmed and do nothing. Today that will change. One room at a time. I won’t start another room until I finish the one on my list.

Tomorrow I can work on the outside of the house and then I can work on that asshole of a dog I own. He continues to go through my trash, ruin my couch and furniture. He’s pooped upstairs most days and peed a few times as well. The house wreaks of feces.

I also need to organize the basement and try to get all my trash for the dump. If I can clean this house this weekend – maybe I can work on walking my dog, going to the gym, doing anything other than coming home because I need to clean, not going on dates because I can’t even think straight.

I like to dream, I’m just hoping I can turn it into reality this weekend.

Months

I know its been long. I don’t know how long because I’ve come to this site and written drafts. Sometimes I think I saved them, but after emotional ones – I know I’ve thrown them away.

I got pretty depressed. I dreamed up a life I didn’t have and then was crushed when my dreams didn’t come true. It’s a bit delusional but also part of my healing process. I’m closer to being ready to date again. I bought a box of new condemns in celebration.

I’m out of my funk of being cheated and mentally abused. I’m now in a funk of, well I guess just a general funk. I’m lazy, very unclean, my house is a disaster, my yard is even worse. I’ve lost 20 lbs and gained them back easily. Today I ordered food for 3 and ate it all – I’m also getting over a hangover.

Reading this you might say – well you may think Jesus! That girl needs help!

A little bit yes and a bit no. I’ll find my way – I always do. Honestly I’m in a much better place mentally than I was months ago. I’m back here to document and keep myself accountable.

I promised my cat I would find them a new dad this year – and damnit – I only have 3 months left.

Well back in March I started home repairs. I painted the living room, the entry way, the stairway and 2 hallways, and 2 walls of the kitchen. I ripped out the carpet in the living room and put down Vinyl plank flooring. I haven’t finished the trim but just last week I finally cut in the last row – that was the biggest pain of all but its done. Now just the trim to curse at.

I bought new furniture – only one piece in the living room is older. I did a back splash in the kitchen and for Black Friday plan on buying a new oven. Last Black Friday I got a wall mounted TV and new entertainment center. With the new flooring I bought new throw rugs. I’m so close to having an adult living room. I also bought a new table for my kitchen. Though my dog destroyed it with multiple scratches while he tried to attack the boy shoveling my back deck.

Now all I need to do is go through all my junk and downsize. Throw things out that are trash and keep things neat before I go to bed.

It shouldn’t be hard but its the way I can keep from bringing boys back home with me. It’s my fail safe – my house is trashed!

I brought a co-worker over after a night of heavy drinking and it never occurred to me that he wanted to have sex. Duh Sarah, why did we go back to your house when you were trying to take him back to his hotel room. He complimented me all night – telling me there were reasons people meet and he knew it the day he met me. He’s married with a 5 year old son. He’s been with his wife for 18 years. WTF. Like – WTF. Thankfully i got the hint and finally drove him back to the hotel. We haven’t talked about it and that’s fine.

This weekend was beer fest. Two days of being really drunk with friends. I met a guy – we were talking about Chicago and cities and food and beer. He was the brewmaster for a brewery about 8 hours away. He wanted to move to this area because he loves it. They were going around town and bar hoping, I should join. Someone in my group had his friend’s number. Cool.

I thought about it again, my house is trashed but then I thought – how much would I just love to make out with this guy? The group of friends I was with split up. My friend got a text from her friend with the guys number for me to call/text to hook up with them. She was too drunk to tell me.

This morning I was a little sad that I went home alone. I was telling my friend the history of the night when she was able to Facebook stalk the brewery, to find his photo. There it was bright as day – wedding ring. WTF. There was no sign of one last night. I instantly got mad. I’m just the plump girl who is good for a fuck I suppose? Granted I’m not making the best of choices but seriously – this is the third guy who came on to me and he’s married. I hate all men. Mostly.

Regardless I’m back. I’m here to find my success, hold on to some sanity and hopefully have some good news about weight loss, exercise and relationships!

Time will tell.

Procrastination and fear

I read an article about self inflicted anxiety over procrastination. You put something off. By avoiding it you have relief but each day you continue, the anxiety grows. The temporary relief makes it appear worth while but it’s not. Sometimes snowballing into worse issues.

He makes a valid point by saying you initially avoid something due to fear.

I thought about my own procrastination. Weight loss. I know how. Stop being lazy. Get moving. Eat better and less.

I don’t do it. Why? I take comfort in food. I also take comfort in blaming my weight for being unhappy, single and what have you.

Cleaning my house. Every time I organize my house. Pick things off the floor, clean the counter, organize something, I feel wonderful. Why do t I keep this up? Is it because I can’t invite people in if it’s a mess? I can’t have boys over, I will have time to go out rather than the excuses I use now to stay home?

Why? Why do I fear having a life? It’s a sick cycle. I need to beak it.

Being single in a sea of married couples

I know I’m not the last single person on the planet but at times it can feel that way. The loneliness isn’t the issue, its having every other coupled human feeling sad for you and reminding you how alone you are. Its getting the fact drilled back at you – you know you could get with this pathetic other loser who is alone and can’t seem to find anyone else to co-mingle with. Gee thanks, but I’m good, PS. you’re an Asshole.

That exact conversation hasn’t happened but I wish at least I could muster the part about calling people out. For instance my friend just got married. She had a ridiculously small wedding, close friends and family. She called me out when she played Single Ladies and said – you’re the ONLY SINGLE LADY HERE. You’re the only one not married so you have to dance to this – its your song!

I know she thought she was being hilarious – but she was being a flaming bitch.

Other friends like to point out how Sad it is that I’ll be spending a Christmas alone – ALONE! Fuck really? Am I alone? Oh Jesus let me get out the noose and find a step stool. Thanks jackass.

Why are married couples so dead set on pointing out the failures of single people? Why can’t people be single, be alone, and happy? Why can’t they just be?

Granted the same friend that is so upset I am alone is also a raging bitch when I talk about people I’m interested in or me thinking about hooking up with someone – but apparently I’m “Too Old” for one night stands. Oh Damn, I didn’t see that one in the rule book on life.

On the other hand – I’ve heard time and time again you are attracted to someone like your parents. It happened in my last relationship.

At first there were several red flags but I was so happy to be in a relationship I didn’t care. I wanted the relationship first and the companion second. I thought if I just brushed them aside that it could work – that things would change or maybe I could just change. Live and learn right?

Things were never great, things were always on the verge of disaster- but there was so much going on in both our lives. I was starting a new chapter in my life – I got the internship I was hoping for and just graduated college. He was coming back to college or err leaving college? I don’t remember. He wanted to go out West and begin his own new beginning. I wanted to stay planted and see what my internship could lead to.

In the end – 5 years down the road – he still wanted a new beginning elsewhere and I still wanted to remain planted. I was still making more money than him, we both had careers but I bought a house, got a dog, was raising his cats, had responsibilities and was 35 wanting to start a family. He was a man child with daddy issues and daydreams that were in the stars.

Things had been bad for years. I would think/talk about leaving him but my friends all said – you have to work, relationships are hard. They would tell me I needed to try harder. I needed to change.

I did change. By the end of our dying relationship -I was a shell of my former self. A weak, spent, overly manipulated shell trying to please everyone but myself. I was so broken I believed my ex when he told me I needed to sell my house and get rid of the cats he left me with, and my dog, because I could never make it on my own.

Granted I had been making it on my own while supporting  him along the way and the bastard had broken my spirit so far that I believed him that I couldn’t survive without him.

Today, as I sat here with my Mom and Dad I realize how my ex was with me is the same as how my Dad treats my Mom. He is mean, never kind, he treats her like dirt yet makes her wait on him hand and foot but also says things to her in a way that makes her feel like she is stupid. He ignores her when he wants but how dare she not be listening and obeying his every word. My Dad is a horrible person to my Mom. My Mom only wants to help, her every fiber in her body is to help you -get you food, get you something to drink, let me take the dog out, do your laundry etc.

I chose to cook, I told her I’d let the dog out – I would be an adult and she was almost sad. Her whole life has simply been as a maid, cook and butler to my father. I saw my own life while I was with my ex as that person. The exact same.

I wish I could take my Mom out of the situation – but I don’t know that she would experience the same joy as I did when I finally realized I was free of a giant leach draining me of money, time, and emotional energy. I love my Dad cuz he is my Dad and at times I dislike him for how shitty he treats my Mother.

It also makes me realize how happy I am to be alone. I know not all people are bad but honestly – its better to be on my own and supporting myself than on my hands and knees pleading for the support of someone else. The statement that I need to “Get yourself a Man” makes me want to punch people in the face. I’m very capable of buying, owning and maintaining a house – which I am doing, without a “Man”. I have a career which is pretty damn good and I dunno what more I could be doing if I had “a Man” in my life. Now a partner, a best friend, a baby daddy even – that could be pretty good – but I don’t need a fucking Man in my life to merely get by.  I’m doing pretty good on my own just being a female.

Time

Featured photo: icy harbor in my town. Taken a few days ago. 

I always make the excuse that I have no time. I’m traveling, I work so much, I spend the weekends out. 

How can I clean or repair my house when I have no time. 

It’s a semi decent excuse but still a lie. I’ve been home for 1.5 weeks. My house, yup, still a mess. I realized how awful at first glance my house looks. A hanging planter , left upside down in the leaf covered flower bed. A electrical wire conduit flopped in the middle of a walkway outside. Broken solar spotlights and an old hose bib left by the front stairs. Bags of pebbles, firewood and random garbage at the end of the driveway. A broken plastic lawn chair in the backyard. What a mess! But I don’t have the time…

Today I bought a book on Audible, Maybe It’s You. It’s a self help book and I slightly listened to it while working. I get the gist that it’s cutting the crap with excuses and manning up to whatever it is that you are doing to prevent yourself from doing what you want or need to do. 

So at 4:30, with headphones in, I raked out all my flower beds that outline my property. Fall happened late this year after leaf pickup by the city. My yard is matted with blankets of wet old leaves. I then picked up a lot of the trash, there is now a big blue bin at the end of my driveway, waiting for the city dump to open. 

It was an hour & 1/2 of labor. Though all the leaves in the backyard are still in the backyard. Just not in the flower beds. Baby steps. 

Regardless, it felt good to get my ass up and accomplish something. Now just to finish the job and every other piece of my life. 

One day. 

But it’s time for me to make the time and get on track with my life. One day is today. 

Ps. 1 full week logging points and staying (very close) to goal. Let’s keep the streak going!