A light at the end of the tunnel?

It’s October. I’ve been waiting since May of last year. Just sitting here dreaming and waiting. Waiting for something magical to happen to me without trying. Just sitting here.

I lost 20 lbs at the beginning of the year. The confidence I gained was off the charts. I bought smaller clothes and was on top of the world. I was still Obese. I was still 80 lbs overweight but I felt like a million dollars.

Weird how that happens. How we tell ourselves we are disgusting but after the smallest change people notice, you notice and the world brightens just a touch.

Something happened between May and now. I gained 25 lbs back. My house is a red neck white trash pit of shit. The outside, the inside and even I’m disgusted with my lack of caring.

What did I do this summer? Laid on the couch and watched tv. Spent too much time on this IPad. Ordered everything from Amazon and went into credit card debt. Ate out at every opportunity and made excuses left and right to never go to the beach, never go hiking, never go camping, just nothing.

Why? Well because I was dreaming and waiting. Waiting for life to become perfect and wonderful and each day it didn’t , each day I realized it happened for someone else and not me – well, I just put myself deeper in the tunnel.

Somehow, the past two years I gained my confidence back intermittently. I became happy and comfortable. I got over the grief of loosing my best friend and adopted pet child. I got over the metal abuse of my ex, I got over so much and then somehow went into a dream world where everything would happen for me. Each time I realized it wasn’t I fell back into the pit. I went home from work to cry. I was deeply depressed and everything was too overwhelming to attempt.

I kept up with work, I made things work. I took out my outrage at my contractors. This week I had another eye opener though.

One of my dream boys was arrested. Again. This time he got out after paying a fine and I was texting him that night. Part of me realized – you cant wait for him, you cant fix him, he can’t be your project. I have to be my own project. The same day I went to talk to a laborer, his employee. As I went into verbal mouth diarrhea – swearing every other word about nothing to do with him – he stoped me and asked me if I wanted to get a beer.

I was completely flabbergasted! I was battling a head cold, I was physically exhausted and my head was foggy. Processing the information was difficult. Say YES! He’s being sarcastic, say something mean! You’re in the wrong, apologize!

I don’t know how long I paused, I don’t remember how I said what I said or.. well much at all. I remember saying – I get it – I can bitch for hours, I’ll stop.

He said, I don’t care, I’m getting paid standing here. I said, No no, I’ll leave. And then walked away.

I felt stupid going off and realized I need to control my emotions. Then his words dawned on me – wait a sec. He was being legit, he wanted to get a beer.

WHAT THE FUCK IS WRONG WITH ME?

Like how dense am I to not realize that was a legit ask out? I’m so wrapped up in my brain that I can’t even figure out he was being nice. I guess I’m used to people being mean, or my self confidence isn’t that high yet.

I think even my dream boy attempted to talk about a beer with me and I instantly shut him down. Sigh. I’m my own worst enemy.

Today is Saturday. I woke up at 8:30 – fairly decent and started cleaning. I’ve organized a few things in my bedroom. I through all my dirty clothes next to the washer. I’ve changed my sheets for the first time in… longer than I care to say. Made my bed and made lists of what I need to accomplish today. It’s already 11 am but hey – I can do this. I realize I put myself in a horrible mood knowing all the things that I need to do that I get overwhelmed and do nothing. Today that will change. One room at a time. I won’t start another room until I finish the one on my list.

Tomorrow I can work on the outside of the house and then I can work on that asshole of a dog I own. He continues to go through my trash, ruin my couch and furniture. He’s pooped upstairs most days and peed a few times as well. The house wreaks of feces.

I also need to organize the basement and try to get all my trash for the dump. If I can clean this house this weekend – maybe I can work on walking my dog, going to the gym, doing anything other than coming home because I need to clean, not going on dates because I can’t even think straight.

I like to dream, I’m just hoping I can turn it into reality this weekend.

Advertisements

Sunday is for the lazy

Day 3. I woke up around 10 am. Sometime around noon I hauled the broken snowblower out of the shed and through the snow, closer to the deck. I believe the carburetor is the problem, and I have a replacement kit, but I can’t get access. I have a firm belief that a hammer can fix most things, but I still couldn’t get the damn knob off the shifter. I also realized I missed one bolt on the cover – and without a 10 mm crescent wrench – the snowblower is left to sit in the snow, broken for the 2nd year in a row.

I was about to call a friend when I realized how disgusting my house was. Dirty clothes, dirty dishes, just overall disarray. I know the issue, I have depression and I bet a touch of ADD and hoarders complex. Admitting it is the first step to any solution right?
When I realized I’d be too embarrassed to have my friend come in my house, I knew I had to ditch the snowblower project, again, and start cleaning the house.

I started by making my bed. This included dumping all the clean clothes I had dumped there last week onto the floor since I wasn’t sure what was clean or dirty. Then I had to do loads of laundry, which brought me into the bathroom. Here I started organizing the cabinets above the washer and I found 4 empty soap dispensers. I realized I had kept them to use them to refill foaming soap with water and body wash. Whalla, cheap foaming hand soap! The problem is I still have over 20 hand soap pumps full because I went insane buying them during a sale 2 years ago. ¬†See what I mean about being a hoarder? Thankfully I threw all the empty ones away.

From the cabinets I went to under the sink to look for a sponge, instead I organized quickly to find I had over 160 panty liners, multiple boxes of tampons, and more toothpaste and deodorant, shampoo than I ever thought I owned. Mental note: Stop buying things when they are on sale.

From there I bleached down the toilet, scrubbing bubbled the shower, added dishes to the dishwasher and finally went back to make my bed. 5 loads of laundry later I have a made bed but piles of clean laundry on it waiting to be folded. See the ADD pattern – I never quite make it through one task before starting another. This throughout the day leads to nothing seeming to be completed. Everything only half done.

Though I may not have fixed my snowblower, I do have a clean toilet, clean wrinkled clothes, I reattached my closet door that had fallen off last week, and I finally brought in the outdoor christmas decorations that had been sitting by the front door for a few weeks, though they are only sitting in a box on my coffee table… but baby steps, right? I still spent most of the day watching TV. Can you tell what a mess my personal life is yet?

Day 3 of being 37. No exercise. Limited access to the outdoors. No human contact. But clean laundry and a made bed. Better than nothing.