Procrastination and fear

I read an article about self inflicted anxiety over procrastination. You put something off. By avoiding it you have relief but each day you continue, the anxiety grows. The temporary relief makes it appear worth while but it’s not. Sometimes snowballing into worse issues.

He makes a valid point by saying you initially avoid something due to fear.

I thought about my own procrastination. Weight loss. I know how. Stop being lazy. Get moving. Eat better and less.

I don’t do it. Why? I take comfort in food. I also take comfort in blaming my weight for being unhappy, single and what have you.

Cleaning my house. Every time I organize my house. Pick things off the floor, clean the counter, organize something, I feel wonderful. Why do t I keep this up? Is it because I can’t invite people in if it’s a mess? I can’t have boys over, I will have time to go out rather than the excuses I use now to stay home?

Why? Why do I fear having a life? It’s a sick cycle. I need to beak it.

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Diets and cleaning

I refused to clean my house for my overnight guests last weekend. I attempted to bring someone home despite the mess. What’s going on here?

This weekend I slugged most of the weekend away. Giddily excited that I spoke to my crush but not excited enough to share any real news. I canceled yoga but actually got a hair cut. Will wonders ever cease?

I pseudo cleaned. Throwing things away, vacuuming and swiffering the floor. I made a mess of my kitchen counter but hey, the living room almost looks livable.

The diet was off the charts. All I wanted was to eat eat eat while picturing sun dresses and sunshine. I bought plane tickets to go to New Jersey. Princeton to be exact, in 2 months. Technically 3 months I guess. If I could drop 20 lbs in that time – I mean, could you imagine? I’d feel like I would be on top of the world. Instead I eat and eat and eat.

I bought salad and some veggies. Here’s to hoping I eat them. The more I eat the Nutrisystem dinners the more I dislike them. I’m thinking of quoting the auto purchase. Maybe still order breakfast and lunch. But the dinner options are just gross.

I’m hoping I can clean and keep the house clean. I’m hoping I might get that fun membership and really start working. I’m hoping I’ll find a cute guy and things will happen. I gotta stop relying on hope. It’s gotten my no where in the last decade.

March 2nd

I told myself on March 1st that it was a new month. A good time to focus on the diet. Then the option of getting bbq ribs for dinner happened and suddenly nothing else mattered.

Today I thought, it’s Friday! My manager left this morning and the Water guy was leaving by 3 pm. No dinners out and I could skip eating lunch with them. Well, the water guys flight was canceled. So we got steak for dinner.

Somehow my calories in weren’t super extreme. Mostly because I had only eaten 500 calories by dinner time. Leaving room for 1500 cal dinners.

My new month of frozen foods came along with some snacks and shakes I bought.

My weight is back up to 245, only 3 lbs down essentially in 3 weeks. Granted it’s been a busy 3 weeks with most days eating out.

Tomorrow I’ve already scheduled yoga. I’ve got a plan to clean the house and be ready for company. Though I have no company planned, I’d like to be ready for anything.

Taking a chance and a taco

I’ve been single for years. Read that, years.

I’ve been depressed, full of anxiety and excuses. Lately though, my depression seems to have holes through it, like a moth-hole ridden sweater. The sun shines through and my confidence has risen. I walk around imagining guys staring at my ass or stealing peaks at my breasts. I look in the mirror and the vision of my younger, skinner self is met with the obese, while curvy, chunky, awkward body that is reality.

I’ve attracted guys lately, maybe for longer but it’s hard to acknowledge sometimes. Do they see my curves, red lips, blonde hair and confidence as a turn on? I don’t know but something is there and it’s still working. Not as hard as it use to but it’s there. I don’t really get it. I imagine they see me as skinny but I look in the mirror and wonder, what are they seeing? Let’s be honest, while more “plus size” models are getting coverage, they still have a label. There’s still TV shows with waifs of women but a show with an obese woman is comedy relief or plays the role of sad, fat girl. There’s no overly confident obese girl who has it all in the dating world. It’s still labeled a comedy if it is out there.

That self doubt is courtesy of my married friends who hint that I’ve gained too much weight and my ex, basically everything about me couldn’t attract a guy, or him for that matter. I surround myself with lovely people. (That was sarcasm)

First there was electron telling me I was smart and beautiful. Granted all he ever asked was to sleep with me. He promised me a date but we never got that far. This year there was the Canadian sales person from my regional meeting. Hot, well dressed, tall, smothering me with compliments, seeking me out, buying me drinks, asking me to go out dancing with him… I found out later he was married with a small child soooo hmmm. Next we have the finance corporate guy from my company. While I was obviously swept up with the tall Canadian, he stayed later than anyone else, talking about life, our jobs then took me to get a taco. The taco shop was closed, as it was 2 am and we went to our respected homes/hotel. Granted with that he was asking me questions around my job and what I could do to benefit his job. Hmmm

Ok. Perhaps these guys aren’t great examples. Obviously I’m still single and none have actually led to a date or a boyfriend. Is it me though? Electron I told no, though I wanted to say yes badly, mostly because I was intimidated but also because of my job. With him I left it very open, I appreciated the offer but had to turn him down. The Canadian, I wanted to go dancing with him but I had pulled a muscle in my leg and was limping badly. I couldn’t dance. I was thankful Finance guy was there. And Finance guy, well, he lives in Milwaukee. I was only there for that night.

Now, long story short, this finance guy. He’s younger than me, typical good looking mid-western guy, nothing over the top amazing but he is cute; he deals with people above me. I report to them, they report to him, he reports up the chain to someone else. So he’s not my boss or supervisor at all. He just crunches numbers to report to stock holders or whomever. My job, one of a zillion across the US and Canada; well since he met me, any extra dollars I pull in, he has sent an email thanking me. This is not typical. As, the report doesn’t come from me. It comes from my boss, Finance guy just knows it’s my project because we’ve talked about it.

So this month, only the second month since we met, I decide to flirt back. I sent him an email saying I’m still waiting for a taco, (remember we went to grab a taco but the place was closed). It’s not even technically flirting is it? It’s just asking for a taco. I meant it as flirting, but text is all in the way you read it as to the actual inflection that someone intended with it. I wavered for a minute before sending. Could it be harassment, could it be inappropriate, should I not email corporate? Should I steer clear of inter-company… what? What does/could it mean that I’m waiting for a taco. Some sort of sexual innuendo?

Here I am. Putting my career over flirting, or even just initiating friendship or merely the discussion of lunch? I don’t know. Overthinking what rights I have or the lack there of in a man’s work force. Would I be so intimidated in any other career? I dunno. But I work with nothing but men. All of my superiors, anyone up the ladder that I deal with, all men. For that matter almost all people down the ladder from me are men too. In my region I am the only female in my position, in North America there may be 7-10 females in my role compared to 150+ men. I’m assuming these stats but I know in all of Canada there are 3 females in my role.

The only place I meet guys are through work. I’ve always kept this arms distance, flirt then flee. Don’t be caught being human. Live, sweat, cry, loose hair, gain weight and stress the fuck out for your job but lord forbid, find happiness. So, with a confident push of my buttonless phone I hit send on the two sentence email and waited.

I didn’t wait long. My supervisor told me, Mike is visiting the job next week with Gary. My jaw dropped, What?! I brought it up a few times. How? Why? That wasn’t his role. He didn’t visit projects. He crunches numbers at corporate. While I went through in my head the outfits I might wear while he visited and weather or not I should be vigilant about cleaning my house for a sleepover… do you think it would go there? Gosh I don’t know… I got an email back, “That’s Fair! We will have to address that at some point.” Not flirty, or harmful. Just tacos. In the most corporate, politically correct way ever.

We called Gary who said he had word from Mike that he couldn’t come up. Hmmph.

But, there it was. A simple harmless email about tacos. Each of us only wrote two sentences and I was giddy all day.

It’s nothing really. I eat meals with work people when they visit, often. I don’t generally hang out one on one after drinking at 2 am but, it seemed harmless.

I think the point is, I took a chance. A chance I overthought, I debated, I weighed, I finally said fuck it and did. It was two sentences and neither were shocking. But I did it. I got a pleasant, positive, though possibly a interminable response.

These are the things you celebrate when you believe you are incapable of being more than single. Even a date can seem like a fluke. Online dating is a constant let down when you aren’t as attractive as they may have believed you to be. There’s always a hotter picture someone else has out there to ponder over.

So, with another 4 days of failed diet, my friends in town and then a work trip and work people in town, I need to remember this feeling. Remember the urgency of cleaning my house. The motivation to drop some pounds, for health, clothing fitting and yes, for attractiveness.

This is where I’m at. A sun ray of light shining into my shaded room of self doubt, with a simple sentence about a taco.

Values in dating

I realize there are supposed to be things you look for in a partner.

Common interests, attractiveness, do they want children, etc. for some time I’ve been solely basing my judgement on attractiveness and if they like me, throwing out the rest.

This weekend opened my eyes to another layer, passion. Not passion for love, passion in a relationship or how passionate they are about me, but more so, passionate about life, their goals and work.

I’m very passionate about my job/career. I’ve struggled , cried, fought, and really gone through battle with my education and Career. I’ve lost a relationship over it, I’m sure I’ve taken years off my life, it’s been no easy feat. I’ve been degraded, I’ve been told to give up, that I would fail and it’s only made me want it more. It’s that sick relationship of time and effort and refusing to quit even if it’s not good for you.

My job has given me financial ease, it’s given me great praise and pride. It’s not all bad, and I refuse to have someone else come along and drag me down out of spite, jealousy, or lack of pride in their own career. That’s my issue. Finding a man in this small town area that not only likes his career but takes pride in it. Most people find a job that pays the bills and sticks with it. Mostly despising their choice but feeling that it pays too much to leave it. The few dates I’ve gone on, the men hated their career choice but felt stuck. My ex, put me down more than anyone else, telling me anyone could do my job, that I was worthless and might as well quit. He was obviously a horrible person, I know that, but I cannot have that happen to me again. I cannot be with someone that is upset about me being the breadwinner or making more or being successful or fighting for a career and succeeding at it. He was a teacher and instead of taking pride in a valuable yet underpaid career, he took it out on me and only saw the dollars I was making compared to him. In the end he also felt that since I made more I would pay for everything for him. No. I still want to be taken out to dinner. I refuse to not be given a Christmas or Birthday gift because I could just buy it myself. Yes yes I know- this guy was the worst of the worst- but after 5 years of thinking we were in love; I was the person saying, I’ve put this much time and effort in, maybe I can’t do better. I can’t let that happen again.

The guy from this weekend boasted about his job at a deli counter at a grocery store, and thats excellent that you take pride in that, but never bothered to ask what I do. In fact he cut me off to continue talking about his job to me.

I refuse to not be acknowledged by a possible suitor. My friends made fun of me that I was upset he never asked me about my career… maybe that’s normal, maybe that’s them being assholes, I don’t care this time.

My next boyfriend will acknowledge that I’ve worked hard to be successful. I want them to be proud of me just as I want to be of them. I want us to encourage each other to gain more success and truly understand each other when we have a bad day.

I need someone with the same motivation as me, the same passion and drive and empathy when shit goes bad.

That’s why I’m obsessed with electron. He’s attractive and lives to work rather than works to live. It’s not the best life. It’s not an easy life. And in the end, what do you have? A life spent slaving away for someone else. But some of us are just built that way.

I’ve found the value that was missing… now I just need to figure out how to find it.

A diet for 38

Featured Photo: sunset in the rear view mirror

I haven’t been dieting or exercising and shocker… I haven’t been losing weight.

I hate myself in photos. I get anxiety thinking about dating. I’m terrified of becoming diabetic or having a heart attack and lets be real, what is the solution to most of these issues? Lose weight.

I’m 5’9″ and curvey af. But that doesn’t change the fact that I’m almost 250 lbs.

I thought I was fat in high school at 160. I thought I was fat in college at 200. Now I just need to realize I’m god damn obese and need to knock this shit out.

I’ve joined the gym and not gone, I’ve joined weight watchers, lost almost 20 lbs then quit. I started Slim Fast, almost lost 15 then quit. I’ve joined yoga and not gone. I’ve made every excuse and failed to accept reality. Im lazy and without motivation.

So I’ve turned to Nutrisystem. I paid $300 for a month of pre-made meals. I can’t get take-out cuz Ill have a meal at home. I can’t say I’m too tired to cook or without time, they are already made. I can’t whine about not eating lunch since I can bring it with me. How can I fuck this up?

Well. My birthday is this weekend.

But beyond that. I better fucking eat this food for the next damn month and save some money on not eating out.

I just need to buy some veggies. Do-able right?

The portions are TINY. I just spent the weekend with friends and I ate each day til my belly hurt then still said yes to any food put in front of me.

I’m coming off of a food binge so I’m curious how my body will react to the snack size portions.

The year of 37 is almost coming to a close. Less than a week. I decided to keep this blog going, just mention that it’s a year extended.

Let’s see how cranky I can get with this new diet. ūüôÉ

He’s back

Yesterday was the day. He had his sentencing and then he was supposed to meet with me about the project in the afternoon.

I got so nervous I was shaking but luckily he was delayed and by the time he showed up I just acted like nothing. He made quite a few cocky remarks; for instance, “I was pissed off when I found out what happened” and his reply? “Yea I was too” with a shit eating grin on his face.

He made comments about bidding a job through jail bars and bidding on a house for $20,000 but he lost the bid. He did say however he got the bid for the job.

I told him there was no more fun. He promised that he would do a good job, he’s a hard worker and a good worker and I would see.

I gazed into his eyes for probably longer than I should have but he held my gaze as well. He looked a little rough around the edges but still handsome as can be.

Today I took the chance and asked him if he wanted to come with me walking through the campground. It was more date-y than not but it was still work related. He asked for a 30 minute warning and when I gave it to him he turned me down. Claiming he was too crabby.

He did say Sorry however.

Just being around him gets me fucking giddy. It makes me want to be a better person and I instantly feel pretty again.

I could be reading into it, I could be only hearing and seeing what I want to see. But I just can’t believe I’m making this all up either.

I want to marry him still. I’ve never been this stupidly attracted to anyone.

I know I can’t put all my eggs in a basket. Especially this one. But god damnit there is something just magnetic about him.

It’s been a few

Hmmm. I lost my motivation, fell off the bandwagon, I kinda failed at keeping this updated.

I got back from my trip and got slapped in the face with the life I had waiting for me back home. I got swallowed up by work and fell into a stressed out hole. I’m attempting to reemerge.

What’s happened, jeez since vacation. Hmmm. Let’s go backwards. Today my boss called me and he had requested a promotion for me and I guess it just went through! Comes with a decent salary increase so, yea, whoo!

Last weekend was one of my best friend’s wedding.  It was incredibly small with all married couples except for the groom’s little brother. I didn’t include a date since it was such a small wedding. Luckily I worked my way into conversations and entertained myself. I will say, even though there was no one to flirt with and I was surrounded by married couples discussing married life facts, I wasn’t jealous or bitter or annoyed. I was truly happy for both of them. Later that night a friend saw me out. She told me I looked good, that I genuinely looked happy, I had a glow. I have to admit, I can’t tell you why but I am happy. I’m single, overweight, almost 40, and I’ve got credit card and student loan and all sorts of other debt, but I’m happy. It’s weird to think of but it feels good. The groom’s lil brother told me I was a beautiful woman and then kissed me. I dodged the lips and he only got my cheek. It was awkward but in a way I was still excited someone wanted to kiss me.

The weekend before I went down to Illinois to visit a friend and see John Mayer again! As we were sitting in the seats we had purchased months before, my friend suggested we see how much of a discount front row tickets were going for on stub hub. More than 1/2 price! So we figured with the cost of our original tickets and the new tickets it was still less than the face value of front row tix, so we got them!!! The show was great, we were still far away from him since it was a huge amphitheater stage and we were on the far side while he stayed in the middle. It was still amazing.  

The weekend before that was beer fest. Actually that was the week before the wedding and John Mayer was 3 weekends ago. Well whatever, two friends came up for beer fest. It was a drunken awesomeness per usual. I ran into a ton of people I haven’t seen in forever. 
T hat was pretty much my last month. I spent half a week in Wisconsin and half a week in Illinois. Oh wait the weekend before john Mayer I was in Chicago again, that was pretty much another week out of town. There was a bachlorette party weekend type insanity. 

August I can’t remember but I’m pretty sure it was jam packed with catching up on work. The project we had been working on passed, as in its a real project!

So yea I guess that’s where I am in life. Things are busy but really good. Maybe I can keep up with this update too. We can only hope. Maybe clean my house too, or we shouldn’t get too crazy just yet. 

Appreciate the sun rise

Just imagine a string of curse words… that is how I would start this post off except I’ll keep it PG 13. I’ll get back to why, but first its the backlog.

It’s been a month since I last posted. I meant to post every day of my year being 37 and I’ve already missed out on 30 or more of those opportunities that I’ll never get back.

The real point of this journey – for me anyhow – is to appreciate each day. Find a moment in a snapshot and talk about it.

I’m coming to terms with the fact that I suffered from depression as a child. I didn’t know what suicide was until Kurt Cobain was found dead and the word was all over the news, radio, magazines. Everywhere. But I realized I had thought about it by the time I was 12, before I knew it had a name. I had a very good upbringing by normal standards. I had food, both parents, siblings, a house to live in. By some standards I had it really good. That doesn’t mean there weren’t issues.

When I was 17 I was in a car crash that killed my cousin’s grandmother and split my second vertebra in two. I was temporarily paralyzed for a week before I had a Halo Vest screwed into my skull. In the end – I am a fully functional 37 year old. I’m still here and I still have full mobile ability of my body. I am extremely fortunate and lucky. That doesn’t mean I take advantage of my life every single moment I have been granted since I was 17.

Two years ago my relationship of 4 years deteriorated and then a wrecking ball finished off what was left.In the wreckage I was still attempting to crawl out when my beloved best friend, my cat of 12 years was dying of cancer. Two months after the hardest goodbye I’ve made thus far, I had to put my other cat to sleep, as he too had cancer. For the next year I made the mistake of clinging to my ex, who I hadn’t realized, had been emotionally abusive for some time.

Now I’m not here for pity, I’m not here to grieve, that time has passed. I’m here because like every time before, I’ve been lucky enough to crawl back out of that pit called depression and see the sun rise again. After the breakup and my two cats death I gained over 40 lb, on top of¬†already being overweight. I laid in bed most days and only left it to get something to eat. Usually bringing the plate to bed with me and just pushing it aside to go back to sleep. My hair started to thin, my nails started to become brittle and cracked and broke off. I had the worst lower back pain, sometimes¬†to the point I couldn’t move. I was 35-36 years old.

I got past it, I lost 20 lbs. I started listening to music I loved again, went to a few concerts, flirted with men again, spent a zillion dollars on a Chiropractor that really helped my back. But then November hit. I really didn’t think this political war in America would affect me the way it did. I started spending hours in my bathtub. Just soaking in the water to the point I almost would fall asleep and made myself get out so I didn’t drown by accident. I didn’t go outside, I stopped exercising, I started ordering out all the time. Cooking, which I enjoy, seemed a burden. Suddenly, in February I realized I had gained the 20 lbs back plus some.

Thankfully, I’d realized this sooner than before. Depression had hit me yet again, out of left field and even though we’ve known each other my whole life, I didn’t recognize it. The weight gain, the constant eating to the point of feeling pain of being so full, the disorder and chaos of my house every day being too overwhelming to deal with, the lack of wanting to go outside or see friends, the constant procrastination… the list could go on but at the time I didn’t notice any of it.

Even my adorable town. The first few years I lived here I couldn’t stop talking about how I got to live in Vacation land. Everyone else just comes to visit but I get to live here. It truly is beautiful. Yet the other day when someone from out of town mentioned the view, I complained about it. He was stunned and said, ‘yea I suppose you see it every day’ and I still complained.

The next day when it was cloudy and cold, I thought about that view. I hadn’t take the time to appreciate how beautiful it was. I only saw a grey sky even on a bright blue sunny day. That’s when I realized I need a change.

We’re not promised every day. And if I died tonight – what did I do with my 37 years? Lay in bed and complain about the sunshine? Be sad that I gained too much weight and was kinda anti-social?

Nope – Today I saw the sunrise, I appreciated it.¬†And as for that line of curse words in the beginning of this post… Well I’m attempting to complete a 30 days of abs, arms, and squats, and I had just done 50 squats. Well worth swearing over!

Like they say, after you work out you feel even better. Its true and I need to remember that. You feel better after seeing the sun, getting fresh air, walking your dog, waving at a neighbor or just saying hello and smiling at someone passing by. It really isn’t what you don’t have, or think you can’t do. Its doing what you can and appreciating what you have that brings you happiness. I’ve always been one to say I’d be happy when ____ , fill in the blank. Instead I need to be happy now. I need to appreciate my body and my journey and honor it by treating it right! Exercise and good food.

It hasn’t been that I don’t have time for this blog or the gym. I haven’t made time. Hopefully I can get back on track to the road of sunshine. One day at a time.