Diets and cleaning

I refused to clean my house for my overnight guests last weekend. I attempted to bring someone home despite the mess. What’s going on here?

This weekend I slugged most of the weekend away. Giddily excited that I spoke to my crush but not excited enough to share any real news. I canceled yoga but actually got a hair cut. Will wonders ever cease?

I pseudo cleaned. Throwing things away, vacuuming and swiffering the floor. I made a mess of my kitchen counter but hey, the living room almost looks livable.

The diet was off the charts. All I wanted was to eat eat eat while picturing sun dresses and sunshine. I bought plane tickets to go to New Jersey. Princeton to be exact, in 2 months. Technically 3 months I guess. If I could drop 20 lbs in that time – I mean, could you imagine? I’d feel like I would be on top of the world. Instead I eat and eat and eat.

I bought salad and some veggies. Here’s to hoping I eat them. The more I eat the Nutrisystem dinners the more I dislike them. I’m thinking of quoting the auto purchase. Maybe still order breakfast and lunch. But the dinner options are just gross.

I’m hoping I can clean and keep the house clean. I’m hoping I might get that fun membership and really start working. I’m hoping I’ll find a cute guy and things will happen. I gotta stop relying on hope. It’s gotten my no where in the last decade.


The sign

I’ve been 240 lbs for some time. I almost got to 222 two years ago but I’m back up. I’ve pushed 247 recently.

I think of myself as curvy and beautiful. But when I catch my reflection I assume it’s a bad angle, a poor mirror or anything to believe the rounded lumps of my cheeks, ass, hips, calves, etc.

We’re told we should be beautiful as we are, but I can’t shake the self loathing. I flirt and sashay my ass around like some suave French hooker, but I can’t lie- my self confidence ends with my clothes on. Harmless flirting with dreams of sex but I create diversions to keep myself out of reach. Or perhaps it’s just what I tell myself to keep believing that men want me.

With each shrunken article in my closet, with each piece of merchandise that I can’t squish into, with each ache I feel, I realize- I can’t live like this.

I’m not healthy. I’m obese and my body is screaming for help. My calf still aches from a pulled muscle. My big toe and fingers randomly go numb and I’m terrified of hearing I have diabetes like my father who is now in a wheelchair.

Today I walked the dog. Nothing crazy, just a mile walk. I’ve logged my calories for 3 days, below 1500 to just at 2000. I know in past days I’ve logged 3000 calories or more.

Later in the day I think about eating more and more until I realize I’m not hungry, just bored. I need to keep this up. Recognizing self pleasure should not be found by stuffing my face. It’s a hard concept. I’m trying to drink water. I know I’m constantly dehydrated.

The motivation needs to stick. Last time I dropped 15 lbs I was in a size smaller pant, feeling like a queen and so very proud. I can do this. I have everything I need. I just need to do- there is no try.

Also, let’s get motivated about money. I’ve got $3000 in credit card debt. $11,000 left on my car loan and a total of $26,000 in student loans. Two of which are under $1,000. I should be able to knock out the credit cards and half the car debt by the end of the year, don’t you think?

Less $50 meals cuz I’m too lazy to cook. Less Amazon shopping sprees of things I don’t need. Less food and shopping to bring self happiness and more gym and outdoors time for me!

I’ve got the motivation. Let’s do this.

I did it!

So I went to Yoga. My god if you’ve never tried it, go! Find a studio, talk to someone and find a peaceful flow. An easy beginning course for yoga. Take more than one class until you can loose your thoughts completely by solely focusing on your breathing. It’s not just lying there. It’s becoming one with your thoughts. About being peaceful and kind to your mind and body. It’s about stretching , strengthening, becoming more limber and lean. About feeling good. 

I feel amazing. My back pain is better. My body feels good, my brain calmed down. All good stuff!!

Tomorrow I head to Wisconsin. Need to pack for the week let’s do this!! But sleep first. 

Bonus post: happiness acquired 

Featured photo: a fountain shaped like a fire hydrant from the hotel

I really struggled today. I knew I would. 

I went to bed late and woke up early. I wore my glasses all day because one eye stung when I attempted to put in my contact lenses. I got super cranky mid day followed by sleepy. 

I haven’t been to the gym since January. Even then, I think I went twice. There is something about going to the gym that I abhor. Something that’s off putting. When I’m there nothing bad happens. Usually I feel good when I’m there, but the thought of going is not pleasant. 

I knew I’d have trouble going to the hotel gym. Walking my dog is easy, you’re doing it for the dog. Half the effort is just holding on while he pulls me forward. Any judgement by strangers is subdued. She’s just walking her dog. 

But walking alone? At night? Speed walking? JUDGEMENT! Going to the gym? What about the way I run? Am I even doing this exercise correctly? JUDGEMENT!!

That’s what’s in my brain. That self doubt. The self loathing telling me I’m too fat, I’ll disgust everyone, I can’t run, I look awful. I’ll be sweating without doing anything. 

I waited until after 10 pm. Then I thought, the gym in the hotel prolly has limited hours, I’ve missed it. My streak has ended. Nope, no such luck. Gym is open. Ok. Get your workout clothes on. Ok, let me check my email, maybe a few solitaire games on my tablet. I’m sleepy maybe I’ll just lay down…

Yes, that all actually happened til I told myself, Day 17!

I got my gym shoes on. Grabbed my John Mayer nalgene full of water and headed to the gym. RELIEF! It was empty!

I got on the treadmill and started a slow walk. After a few minutes I turned it up to a jog. My shins started burning and after a minute and a half I was gasping for breath, sweaty, red faced with burning shins. I slowed to a slow stroll but I kept going. In the course of 30 minutes I repeated that 3 times. I don’t care that I only jogged for a total of 4-6 minutes. I Jogged for 4-6 Minutes! 

Screw the haters! Screw my ex who told me if I didn’t give it 100% all the time I might as well not do anything. That’s WRONG!  And also what got me to 250 lbs. but guess what! 17 days of walking! 17! With 4 minutes of jogging (at least). 

My lungs hurt a lil, my shins are tight, I’m burning up, but every day I’ll get better. And it felt GOOD! 🙂

Here I was talking about my self loathing in my other post, but now I found my joy! Yes, it was JUST 30 minutes of walking. It was JUST a few minutes of a slow jog. But I did it! I didn’t lay in the hotel room making excuses, I did it and I can and will feel proud. 

If I can keep this up, I can lose the weight. This might be my calling. I tried counting calories, I’ve tried diets, I tried 30 days of abs and squats , and none of them were bad but I couldn’t force it in myself. 

I started by walking my dog on Saturday and Sunday. On Monday I thought, this would be day 3. Repeat everyday and here we are, day 17. 

I guarantee if it weren’t for this daily counting game I probably would have never pushed myself. I’ve found something. I can’t cheat at it. I can’t lose it and say screw it I’ll wait for a new week. Nope, everyday. At least 30 min. 

I’ve got a couple friends who slimmed down. They run. They enjoy it. I tell myself every time, that won’t work. You don’t enjoy running. But I’m not running. I’m just walking. 

Baby Steps. 

baby steps to Tuesday

Today’s featured image: The sunrise from my backyard this morning.

Human contact. It’s something I never thought would be an issue for me. I grew up extremely shy and hid from the world. When I realized that there was a whole world I wanted to see, or at least a small sliver, I knew I had to face my fear and get out there. Now I can talk to just about anyone. I still get nervous, I’m still shy but it’s a daily battle of what is more important. I love to socialize! The issue now is that I work from home most days. Sometimes I don’t even leave the house except to let my dog out. Even then I just stand in my backyard in my pajamas. I never see people anymore. And yes I have friends but they are all 29/30 and married couples. Many who have adopted me as their third wheel life partner for dinner dates and such, but you don’t meet new people sitting at someone’s home.

Today was no different. But I did adjust my comforter after waking up so I could still claim my bed as being made. You know after you do something 50 zillion times, I hear it becomes a habit. The house is still crazy disorganized mess but baby steps…

My friends are coming up on Thursday, good motivation to finish organizing/cleaning. Tomorrow instead of traveling for work I get to fill in for a co-worker here in my home town… I’m sure I’ll explain my job at some point.

But most importantly today, I used this blog as motivation to hit the gym and be mindful of my diet. Wacky concept I know. I’m the best at procrastination. I’m really great at talking myself out of opportunities but baby steps to healthy choices, right?

Baby Step- Dr Marvin from ‘What About Bob?’ knew what was up! haha I love that movie – and if you haven’t seen it, stop being crazy and watch it. Life Changing.

I’m currently on Weight Watchers and have gained weight because I’m irresponsible. I have a gym membership for over 2 months but tonight was only my second visit. Well, now I’m letting you hold me responsible and I want you to guilt me. Go to the gym… Go outside… Talk to a human face to face!

And then be proud of me, I was on the elliptical for 30 minutes. And while I did contemplate quitting at 15 minutes, then again at 20, 25, 28 and 29, I made it all the way to 30 minutes and not a second more!

I swear I’m not as much of a disaster as I may sound, but I’m here to be honest, and I’ve really got to get myself back together before 38 rolls around in 361 days.