Months

I know its been long. I don’t know how long because I’ve come to this site and written drafts. Sometimes I think I saved them, but after emotional ones – I know I’ve thrown them away.

I got pretty depressed. I dreamed up a life I didn’t have and then was crushed when my dreams didn’t come true. It’s a bit delusional but also part of my healing process. I’m closer to being ready to date again. I bought a box of new condemns in celebration.

I’m out of my funk of being cheated and mentally abused. I’m now in a funk of, well I guess just a general funk. I’m lazy, very unclean, my house is a disaster, my yard is even worse. I’ve lost 20 lbs and gained them back easily. Today I ordered food for 3 and ate it all – I’m also getting over a hangover.

Reading this you might say – well you may think Jesus! That girl needs help!

A little bit yes and a bit no. I’ll find my way – I always do. Honestly I’m in a much better place mentally than I was months ago. I’m back here to document and keep myself accountable.

I promised my cat I would find them a new dad this year – and damnit – I only have 3 months left.

Well back in March I started home repairs. I painted the living room, the entry way, the stairway and 2 hallways, and 2 walls of the kitchen. I ripped out the carpet in the living room and put down Vinyl plank flooring. I haven’t finished the trim but just last week I finally cut in the last row – that was the biggest pain of all but its done. Now just the trim to curse at.

I bought new furniture – only one piece in the living room is older. I did a back splash in the kitchen and for Black Friday plan on buying a new oven. Last Black Friday I got a wall mounted TV and new entertainment center. With the new flooring I bought new throw rugs. I’m so close to having an adult living room. I also bought a new table for my kitchen. Though my dog destroyed it with multiple scratches while he tried to attack the boy shoveling my back deck.

Now all I need to do is go through all my junk and downsize. Throw things out that are trash and keep things neat before I go to bed.

It shouldn’t be hard but its the way I can keep from bringing boys back home with me. It’s my fail safe – my house is trashed!

I brought a co-worker over after a night of heavy drinking and it never occurred to me that he wanted to have sex. Duh Sarah, why did we go back to your house when you were trying to take him back to his hotel room. He complimented me all night – telling me there were reasons people meet and he knew it the day he met me. He’s married with a 5 year old son. He’s been with his wife for 18 years. WTF. Like – WTF. Thankfully i got the hint and finally drove him back to the hotel. We haven’t talked about it and that’s fine.

This weekend was beer fest. Two days of being really drunk with friends. I met a guy – we were talking about Chicago and cities and food and beer. He was the brewmaster for a brewery about 8 hours away. He wanted to move to this area because he loves it. They were going around town and bar hoping, I should join. Someone in my group had his friend’s number. Cool.

I thought about it again, my house is trashed but then I thought – how much would I just love to make out with this guy? The group of friends I was with split up. My friend got a text from her friend with the guys number for me to call/text to hook up with them. She was too drunk to tell me.

This morning I was a little sad that I went home alone. I was telling my friend the history of the night when she was able to Facebook stalk the brewery, to find his photo. There it was bright as day – wedding ring. WTF. There was no sign of one last night. I instantly got mad. I’m just the plump girl who is good for a fuck I suppose? Granted I’m not making the best of choices but seriously – this is the third guy who came on to me and he’s married. I hate all men. Mostly.

Regardless I’m back. I’m here to find my success, hold on to some sanity and hopefully have some good news about weight loss, exercise and relationships!

Time will tell.

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March 2nd

I told myself on March 1st that it was a new month. A good time to focus on the diet. Then the option of getting bbq ribs for dinner happened and suddenly nothing else mattered.

Today I thought, it’s Friday! My manager left this morning and the Water guy was leaving by 3 pm. No dinners out and I could skip eating lunch with them. Well, the water guys flight was canceled. So we got steak for dinner.

Somehow my calories in weren’t super extreme. Mostly because I had only eaten 500 calories by dinner time. Leaving room for 1500 cal dinners.

My new month of frozen foods came along with some snacks and shakes I bought.

My weight is back up to 245, only 3 lbs down essentially in 3 weeks. Granted it’s been a busy 3 weeks with most days eating out.

Tomorrow I’ve already scheduled yoga. I’ve got a plan to clean the house and be ready for company. Though I have no company planned, I’d like to be ready for anything.

Diet day 10

I realize yesterday my title was Day 8. I had completed 8 days but today is actually day 10.

It’s 4:52 pm and I’m existing on 500 calories. I usually eat more for just breakfast. I’m not attempting to be this strict. I’ve just been so insanely busy that I haven’t eaten much. Feast or famine, I swear.

Work is extremely busy, stressful and busy. Im currently managing a 28 million dollar project and attempting to complete a 5 million State job, in another State. It’s the most work and different type of work I’ve ever done and sometimes I feel like I’m barely keeping my head above water. Eating is my release, my friend, my confidant. It tells no one if I eat two meals plus dessert. It can be with me at most times. It travels with me- that is I pick up fast food and eat it in the car.

Now I’m learning portion size. When I saw the snack size portions I thought, wtf is this? I’m slowly realizing this is normal. I would eat 2 huge chicken breasts and not think twice because I didn’t add anything to it. Now I eat a trail bar and 2 cups of veggies and realize it’s all I need. It’s kind of a bizarre concept compared to a 2 cheese burger meal with Extra large fries and still being hungry.

You really have to live it to experience it and the motivation to stick to it is really the biggest hurdle. Hearing someone say, I just was too busy to eat enough usually makes me want to punch people in the face. I’m sorry if it’s my imaginary face you want to punch while reading this. It’s only day 10. Check back and see if I’m still feeling it on day 30. They say habits form after 30 days. Time will tell.

Ps. My current weight loss goal is 28 lbs, after that 20 more and if possible another 20 and then another 20. My ideal weight (for me) is 160lbs. That would be a total of 88 lbs to loose. Currently I’d be pumped as shit to get to 200, but 180 would be even sweeter. In the past 7 years the best I’ve done is 26lbs before I faltered. I’ll do better this time. 🙂

Diet day 3

Wednesday: I haven’t dieted since lunch on Monday… but hey it was a great thought.

Monday I was so good. I brought my food to work with me. I ate it though I can’t say I enjoyed it. I had good intentions then co-workers happened.

It’s rare that I am around co-workers. I am a Manager of other companies, not my own employees. I manage projects, I manage other companies, I just don’t manage employees. So, I never see people from my company except if they are mechanics, but then we are still from a different branch of the company; while I am their superior, we aren’t exactly co-workers either? Its confusing.

This week two sales guys, my superior (but not my boss, again confusing!) and a field expert were in town. We went out Monday night and had a night on the booze. Diet day 1 fail.

Tuesday I was slightly hung over and got a sandwich for breakfast, then lunch with co-workers, then dinner with co-workers. Today was Valentines day and Fuck being alone! I got lunch with my intern, then talked the field expert and my lighting guy out to dinner. Happy V-day to me – paid for by work. Diet day 2 and 3 – BUST!

My stomach is very large right now. I feel more full than I should with all meals being eaten out and to my breaking point for about 2 weeks now.

I have my nutrisystem – I even ate something for breakfast today but I keep eating out – and not healthy mind you! Friday night is the dog sled races and Saturday is my bday. I’d like to do something fun! Currently being able to sleep in and clean my house sound like better ideas though.

Tomorrow I’m going to attempt the diet – but not the turbo week – I’m going to save that for my second week. This week is so jacked already and you’re not supposed to eat out at all the first week. I believe after the first week you can exchange a meal here or there.

Also I am kind of excited to not being eating out or buying food for a bit. I’d really like to pay down some credit cards that are racking up again. Amazon is at $1000, Best Buy is just under $2,000 and I just spent $1,000 on my car repairs on a credit card. Every month I over withdraw and my savings account is shrinking which makes me very nervous. If I can keep my savings without an overdraft and pay down the credit cards – it will help. But $4,000 is going to take some time. Also the student loans and mortgage. My plan was to snowball all my accounts and be paying double on my car payment to get rid of that but these damn credit cards keep piling up. It’s my own fault. I have 4 items in my Amazon shopping cart that I have refused to hit send. Just one hormonal click away of more things I can’t afford.

If I could only curb my spending and eating – but then what will I spend my time doing?!? (that is sarcasm as my job is stressing me to the maximum currently)

Lets see what happens. The sales people are gone, the lighting guy leaves tomorrow and my supervisor left today. No one but the water guy to go out with tomorrow and guess what – I’m not going out with him.

Let’s see how a full day of dieting works for me tomorrow. God save us all.

A two for one

I started typing this yesterday but never finished, so today I’ll continue with today’s post.

Yesterday:

It’s a blizzard here, for a period with slim visibility. My house has a draft. My car wiper blades won’t thaw, and work is, as always, busy.

I can’t wake up, no, I won’t get out of bed when I should. I haven’t been able to get through my work emails. I’m attempting to get through December, never mind that it’s already January.

Today I had a salad for lunch and that made me proud. Tonight I ate a steak for dinner. No veggie or starch or fruit, just a steak.I have a poor diet.

Work was good. I have a mini crush on the customer. We seem to enjoy each other’s company. I really enjoy when he makes a point to come in my office and just shoot the shit. We have fun bantering and making lewd comments about both our co-workers. Of course he’s married with children but it’s still fun and harmless to talk.

Today:

The blizzard continues. I fired up the snowblower for the second day. I drove through white out conditions and thanked goodness I didn’t have to drive hours for work.

Tuesday I received an email from the electrician’s email address. Not completely weird considering the entire family had access. They never sign anything so I thought, it’s probably the other son emailing me. I called back asking him to call me. No response. So I sent an email and copied everyone, I got another response and considering the content, I’m almost wondering, is it my electrician? Again there was no signature but there was a different phone number, a 312 area code which I know well, Chicago.

Could it be my electrician, is he back?

Will it be the same? Will I get my dinner? Had he met someone? Was he not interested in me like that?

I just don’t know. I didn’t call back until I was in my car but it was also 5 pm. The voice mail box wasn’t set up. I guess we will see on Monday?

Other than that I made a great smoothie, just fruit and spinach and a cup of yogurt. I may have gotten a sub from Jimmy John’s but I didn’t get chips or pop. Tonight I made another salad, probably too much baked crispy chicken strips but a salad none the less. I’m proud of how much I’m eating at home. I’m hoping the scale will begin to show the results as well.