A light at the end of the tunnel?

It’s October. I’ve been waiting since May of last year. Just sitting here dreaming and waiting. Waiting for something magical to happen to me without trying. Just sitting here.

I lost 20 lbs at the beginning of the year. The confidence I gained was off the charts. I bought smaller clothes and was on top of the world. I was still Obese. I was still 80 lbs overweight but I felt like a million dollars.

Weird how that happens. How we tell ourselves we are disgusting but after the smallest change people notice, you notice and the world brightens just a touch.

Something happened between May and now. I gained 25 lbs back. My house is a red neck white trash pit of shit. The outside, the inside and even I’m disgusted with my lack of caring.

What did I do this summer? Laid on the couch and watched tv. Spent too much time on this IPad. Ordered everything from Amazon and went into credit card debt. Ate out at every opportunity and made excuses left and right to never go to the beach, never go hiking, never go camping, just nothing.

Why? Well because I was dreaming and waiting. Waiting for life to become perfect and wonderful and each day it didn’t , each day I realized it happened for someone else and not me – well, I just put myself deeper in the tunnel.

Somehow, the past two years I gained my confidence back intermittently. I became happy and comfortable. I got over the grief of loosing my best friend and adopted pet child. I got over the metal abuse of my ex, I got over so much and then somehow went into a dream world where everything would happen for me. Each time I realized it wasn’t I fell back into the pit. I went home from work to cry. I was deeply depressed and everything was too overwhelming to attempt.

I kept up with work, I made things work. I took out my outrage at my contractors. This week I had another eye opener though.

One of my dream boys was arrested. Again. This time he got out after paying a fine and I was texting him that night. Part of me realized – you cant wait for him, you cant fix him, he can’t be your project. I have to be my own project. The same day I went to talk to a laborer, his employee. As I went into verbal mouth diarrhea – swearing every other word about nothing to do with him – he stoped me and asked me if I wanted to get a beer.

I was completely flabbergasted! I was battling a head cold, I was physically exhausted and my head was foggy. Processing the information was difficult. Say YES! He’s being sarcastic, say something mean! You’re in the wrong, apologize!

I don’t know how long I paused, I don’t remember how I said what I said or.. well much at all. I remember saying – I get it – I can bitch for hours, I’ll stop.

He said, I don’t care, I’m getting paid standing here. I said, No no, I’ll leave. And then walked away.

I felt stupid going off and realized I need to control my emotions. Then his words dawned on me – wait a sec. He was being legit, he wanted to get a beer.

WHAT THE FUCK IS WRONG WITH ME?

Like how dense am I to not realize that was a legit ask out? I’m so wrapped up in my brain that I can’t even figure out he was being nice. I guess I’m used to people being mean, or my self confidence isn’t that high yet.

I think even my dream boy attempted to talk about a beer with me and I instantly shut him down. Sigh. I’m my own worst enemy.

Today is Saturday. I woke up at 8:30 – fairly decent and started cleaning. I’ve organized a few things in my bedroom. I through all my dirty clothes next to the washer. I’ve changed my sheets for the first time in… longer than I care to say. Made my bed and made lists of what I need to accomplish today. It’s already 11 am but hey – I can do this. I realize I put myself in a horrible mood knowing all the things that I need to do that I get overwhelmed and do nothing. Today that will change. One room at a time. I won’t start another room until I finish the one on my list.

Tomorrow I can work on the outside of the house and then I can work on that asshole of a dog I own. He continues to go through my trash, ruin my couch and furniture. He’s pooped upstairs most days and peed a few times as well. The house wreaks of feces.

I also need to organize the basement and try to get all my trash for the dump. If I can clean this house this weekend – maybe I can work on walking my dog, going to the gym, doing anything other than coming home because I need to clean, not going on dates because I can’t even think straight.

I like to dream, I’m just hoping I can turn it into reality this weekend.

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Endings and Beginings

Here it is, December 27. I am a horrible blogger. To be fair I would like to blog before bed, but my laptop isn’t the best bedside companion.

I came home from my parents house for Thanksgiving and went a little crazy. I bought a new table for the kitchen, a kitchen nook that I wanted since I moved in. The kitchen is strangely laid out. Not a huge kitchen but not small, just, perhaps the space isn’t used well. While an entire kitchen makeover sounds wonderful – yea, thats not going to happen.

My ex was always opposed to anything I liked or wanted. It wasn’t good enough, it was a waste of money, it was…. lets be fair… not what he wanted or his idea; therefore, no good.

I got my kitchen nook the day before my new Washer and Dryer were delivered. Yes, Black Friday got me with a new washer and dryer set. They are wonderful and I love them. I also haven’t received the bill yet and that will be a doozy.

So the kitchen nook went in and 4 days later my dog had jumped all over it- leaving many scratches and gouges in the perfectly new table and bench set. It’s because this boy, yes a 30 year old man child, decided to be ridiculously kind by shoveling my driveway and deck. Sometimes while I was even at home. Now – yes that was very nice of him. But lets be honest. Its a little creepy when you get a picture of your house texted to you because he wanted to tell you he shoveled around your house. Daily.

I told him not to – you see I am not interested in him whatsoever, and I just know this is a – look what a man I am or something – type of thing. It’s very nice but I’m still not interested in this guy.

When I put it together – the destroyed new table set with the text message – I shoveled your driveway yadda yadda – I about lost my shit. My dog was simply protecting his house – trying to get at the strange person too close to the house. He had no idea that the person was shoveling, and the person shoveling probably thought the dog freaking out at him inside the house was funny. Neither of them realizing the damage that they were doing to my BRAND NEW TABLE!

But – I can buy cushions and use a tablecloth right? Damn it though.

So, since I had bought the house I also wanted a mantle and a fireplace. Obviously I’m not getting a wood burning fireplace and chimney installed in my house but I thought of one of those electric fireplaces would be lovely. Some additional heat in the living room, counter space. Its just my idea of cozy. I discovered that there were “Entertainment centers” with the electric fireplace and I almost lost my crap. I researched for weeks. I decided to change the wall my tv was on, essentially rearranging the whole room – but in order to do that I needed a certain size entertainment center to fit a very specific dimension for the walking space in my room. But also – I’d require the TV to be mounted to the wall. Now for the sake of it – lets not think of money – cuz yea, this is all being financed – Happy New Year – Future me can figure out how to pay for it. Don’t you worry.

I found the entertainment center, I got a new TV on a door buster sale, I got it mounted and now the room is almost set. I have my fireplace, my kitchen nook and my new laundry. Whoo.

Though I should have been off of work, leftover vacation I didn’t use, for 2 weeks by now, today I even sat on my work computer from 9a-2p – completing some training that was due before Jan 1st and sending emails.

I need to finish cleaning. I want a clean house for the New Year and I only have a few more days to do it. Tomorrow is no excuses Thursday – except for Yoga, I’m already a month into a 5 month package and I haven’t gone once.

I also installed a backsplash in the kitchen I’ve been dying for. I only need to seal the grout and I should be done.

So – I’m procrastinating organizing/cleaning by doing something else I never do – blog.

To be fair, I’ve been eating many meals at home – and taking a minute to put my dirty dishes in the dishwasher, throw away the trash before I go to bed. Now I need to finish this organizing and make it more of a habit to continue this grown up tidy normal human behavior unlike the filthy disorderly bum I’ve been. Seriously it is fantastic waking up to a space I can walk through. A kitchen counter that isn’t full of shit.

And who knows, maybe if I find the respect for myself, respect for my house – I can find the respect I need to allow someone else into my home- into my life.

As always, time will tell.

Home

There’s nothing quite like coming home after being away. Especially if you have a dog that can’t stop wiggling his butt after he sees you. The cats show their excitement in their own way. Mostly by small cries and a giant act to make you think they are so over you. It’s quite the production. 

They found cat nip toys in one of my bags and started ripping open the package. Once they each had a toy I was pretty much invisible. 

But hey, the dog is still wagging his butt in excitement for my return!

A happy homecoming after the clouds hid the sun away all day.