A light at the end of the tunnel?

It’s October. I’ve been waiting since May of last year. Just sitting here dreaming and waiting. Waiting for something magical to happen to me without trying. Just sitting here.

I lost 20 lbs at the beginning of the year. The confidence I gained was off the charts. I bought smaller clothes and was on top of the world. I was still Obese. I was still 80 lbs overweight but I felt like a million dollars.

Weird how that happens. How we tell ourselves we are disgusting but after the smallest change people notice, you notice and the world brightens just a touch.

Something happened between May and now. I gained 25 lbs back. My house is a red neck white trash pit of shit. The outside, the inside and even I’m disgusted with my lack of caring.

What did I do this summer? Laid on the couch and watched tv. Spent too much time on this IPad. Ordered everything from Amazon and went into credit card debt. Ate out at every opportunity and made excuses left and right to never go to the beach, never go hiking, never go camping, just nothing.

Why? Well because I was dreaming and waiting. Waiting for life to become perfect and wonderful and each day it didn’t , each day I realized it happened for someone else and not me – well, I just put myself deeper in the tunnel.

Somehow, the past two years I gained my confidence back intermittently. I became happy and comfortable. I got over the grief of loosing my best friend and adopted pet child. I got over the metal abuse of my ex, I got over so much and then somehow went into a dream world where everything would happen for me. Each time I realized it wasn’t I fell back into the pit. I went home from work to cry. I was deeply depressed and everything was too overwhelming to attempt.

I kept up with work, I made things work. I took out my outrage at my contractors. This week I had another eye opener though.

One of my dream boys was arrested. Again. This time he got out after paying a fine and I was texting him that night. Part of me realized – you cant wait for him, you cant fix him, he can’t be your project. I have to be my own project. The same day I went to talk to a laborer, his employee. As I went into verbal mouth diarrhea – swearing every other word about nothing to do with him – he stoped me and asked me if I wanted to get a beer.

I was completely flabbergasted! I was battling a head cold, I was physically exhausted and my head was foggy. Processing the information was difficult. Say YES! He’s being sarcastic, say something mean! You’re in the wrong, apologize!

I don’t know how long I paused, I don’t remember how I said what I said or.. well much at all. I remember saying – I get it – I can bitch for hours, I’ll stop.

He said, I don’t care, I’m getting paid standing here. I said, No no, I’ll leave. And then walked away.

I felt stupid going off and realized I need to control my emotions. Then his words dawned on me – wait a sec. He was being legit, he wanted to get a beer.

WHAT THE FUCK IS WRONG WITH ME?

Like how dense am I to not realize that was a legit ask out? I’m so wrapped up in my brain that I can’t even figure out he was being nice. I guess I’m used to people being mean, or my self confidence isn’t that high yet.

I think even my dream boy attempted to talk about a beer with me and I instantly shut him down. Sigh. I’m my own worst enemy.

Today is Saturday. I woke up at 8:30 – fairly decent and started cleaning. I’ve organized a few things in my bedroom. I through all my dirty clothes next to the washer. I’ve changed my sheets for the first time in… longer than I care to say. Made my bed and made lists of what I need to accomplish today. It’s already 11 am but hey – I can do this. I realize I put myself in a horrible mood knowing all the things that I need to do that I get overwhelmed and do nothing. Today that will change. One room at a time. I won’t start another room until I finish the one on my list.

Tomorrow I can work on the outside of the house and then I can work on that asshole of a dog I own. He continues to go through my trash, ruin my couch and furniture. He’s pooped upstairs most days and peed a few times as well. The house wreaks of feces.

I also need to organize the basement and try to get all my trash for the dump. If I can clean this house this weekend – maybe I can work on walking my dog, going to the gym, doing anything other than coming home because I need to clean, not going on dates because I can’t even think straight.

I like to dream, I’m just hoping I can turn it into reality this weekend.

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Months

I know its been long. I don’t know how long because I’ve come to this site and written drafts. Sometimes I think I saved them, but after emotional ones – I know I’ve thrown them away.

I got pretty depressed. I dreamed up a life I didn’t have and then was crushed when my dreams didn’t come true. It’s a bit delusional but also part of my healing process. I’m closer to being ready to date again. I bought a box of new condemns in celebration.

I’m out of my funk of being cheated and mentally abused. I’m now in a funk of, well I guess just a general funk. I’m lazy, very unclean, my house is a disaster, my yard is even worse. I’ve lost 20 lbs and gained them back easily. Today I ordered food for 3 and ate it all – I’m also getting over a hangover.

Reading this you might say – well you may think Jesus! That girl needs help!

A little bit yes and a bit no. I’ll find my way – I always do. Honestly I’m in a much better place mentally than I was months ago. I’m back here to document and keep myself accountable.

I promised my cat I would find them a new dad this year – and damnit – I only have 3 months left.

Well back in March I started home repairs. I painted the living room, the entry way, the stairway and 2 hallways, and 2 walls of the kitchen. I ripped out the carpet in the living room and put down Vinyl plank flooring. I haven’t finished the trim but just last week I finally cut in the last row – that was the biggest pain of all but its done. Now just the trim to curse at.

I bought new furniture – only one piece in the living room is older. I did a back splash in the kitchen and for Black Friday plan on buying a new oven. Last Black Friday I got a wall mounted TV and new entertainment center. With the new flooring I bought new throw rugs. I’m so close to having an adult living room. I also bought a new table for my kitchen. Though my dog destroyed it with multiple scratches while he tried to attack the boy shoveling my back deck.

Now all I need to do is go through all my junk and downsize. Throw things out that are trash and keep things neat before I go to bed.

It shouldn’t be hard but its the way I can keep from bringing boys back home with me. It’s my fail safe – my house is trashed!

I brought a co-worker over after a night of heavy drinking and it never occurred to me that he wanted to have sex. Duh Sarah, why did we go back to your house when you were trying to take him back to his hotel room. He complimented me all night – telling me there were reasons people meet and he knew it the day he met me. He’s married with a 5 year old son. He’s been with his wife for 18 years. WTF. Like – WTF. Thankfully i got the hint and finally drove him back to the hotel. We haven’t talked about it and that’s fine.

This weekend was beer fest. Two days of being really drunk with friends. I met a guy – we were talking about Chicago and cities and food and beer. He was the brewmaster for a brewery about 8 hours away. He wanted to move to this area because he loves it. They were going around town and bar hoping, I should join. Someone in my group had his friend’s number. Cool.

I thought about it again, my house is trashed but then I thought – how much would I just love to make out with this guy? The group of friends I was with split up. My friend got a text from her friend with the guys number for me to call/text to hook up with them. She was too drunk to tell me.

This morning I was a little sad that I went home alone. I was telling my friend the history of the night when she was able to Facebook stalk the brewery, to find his photo. There it was bright as day – wedding ring. WTF. There was no sign of one last night. I instantly got mad. I’m just the plump girl who is good for a fuck I suppose? Granted I’m not making the best of choices but seriously – this is the third guy who came on to me and he’s married. I hate all men. Mostly.

Regardless I’m back. I’m here to find my success, hold on to some sanity and hopefully have some good news about weight loss, exercise and relationships!

Time will tell.

May 4

Featured photo: the lone flower I didn’t transplant to the new flower bed last fall. 

I’m stressed. Work is piling up and for some reason I’m exhausted. Beyond that I realized I promised a good friend I’d come back to Chicago to see a concert in a month. 2 weeks later I’m supposed to be at my parents for their 50th wedding anniversary and 1 week after that I start my 2 week vacation. I also just got tickets to see John Mayer again in September, back in Chicago. 

Besides all the travel and eating out, I pay for a dog/house sitter. It adds up fast. 

Yesterday I went on a hike with good friends. It was incredibly short but my dog came with and he got to run leash free. He loved it. Then we went out to eat. My day was done and I was so tired I immediately went to bed. Sleep was solid and blissful. Unfortunately tho, my house isn’t clean and people are coming over at 6 pm tomorrow. I’ve got walk throughs and paper work. House cleaning and cooking all before 6 pm. 

Sigh. 

I went shopping. I looked at labels, food labels. One small slice of Key lime pie is 65-85% of your daily value of saturated fat. I didn’t buy it. Instead I made chocolate chip cookies and potato chips for dinner.

And I wonder why I’m exhausted all the time….