Just imagine a string of curse words… that is how I would start this post off except I’ll keep it PG 13. I’ll get back to why, but first its the backlog.
It’s been a month since I last posted. I meant to post every day of my year being 37 and I’ve already missed out on 30 or more of those opportunities that I’ll never get back.
The real point of this journey – for me anyhow – is to appreciate each day. Find a moment in a snapshot and talk about it.
I’m coming to terms with the fact that I suffered from depression as a child. I didn’t know what suicide was until Kurt Cobain was found dead and the word was all over the news, radio, magazines. Everywhere. But I realized I had thought about it by the time I was 12, before I knew it had a name. I had a very good upbringing by normal standards. I had food, both parents, siblings, a house to live in. By some standards I had it really good. That doesn’t mean there weren’t issues.
When I was 17 I was in a car crash that killed my cousin’s grandmother and split my second vertebra in two. I was temporarily paralyzed for a week before I had a Halo Vest screwed into my skull. In the end – I am a fully functional 37 year old. I’m still here and I still have full mobile ability of my body. I am extremely fortunate and lucky. That doesn’t mean I take advantage of my life every single moment I have been granted since I was 17.
Two years ago my relationship of 4 years deteriorated and then a wrecking ball finished off what was left.In the wreckage I was still attempting to crawl out when my beloved best friend, my cat of 12 years was dying of cancer. Two months after the hardest goodbye I’ve made thus far, I had to put my other cat to sleep, as he too had cancer. For the next year I made the mistake of clinging to my ex, who I hadn’t realized, had been emotionally abusive for some time.
Now I’m not here for pity, I’m not here to grieve, that time has passed. I’m here because like every time before, I’ve been lucky enough to crawl back out of that pit called depression and see the sun rise again. After the breakup and my two cats death I gained over 40 lb, on top of already being overweight. I laid in bed most days and only left it to get something to eat. Usually bringing the plate to bed with me and just pushing it aside to go back to sleep. My hair started to thin, my nails started to become brittle and cracked and broke off. I had the worst lower back pain, sometimes to the point I couldn’t move. I was 35-36 years old.
I got past it, I lost 20 lbs. I started listening to music I loved again, went to a few concerts, flirted with men again, spent a zillion dollars on a Chiropractor that really helped my back. But then November hit. I really didn’t think this political war in America would affect me the way it did. I started spending hours in my bathtub. Just soaking in the water to the point I almost would fall asleep and made myself get out so I didn’t drown by accident. I didn’t go outside, I stopped exercising, I started ordering out all the time. Cooking, which I enjoy, seemed a burden. Suddenly, in February I realized I had gained the 20 lbs back plus some.
Thankfully, I’d realized this sooner than before. Depression had hit me yet again, out of left field and even though we’ve known each other my whole life, I didn’t recognize it. The weight gain, the constant eating to the point of feeling pain of being so full, the disorder and chaos of my house every day being too overwhelming to deal with, the lack of wanting to go outside or see friends, the constant procrastination… the list could go on but at the time I didn’t notice any of it.
Even my adorable town. The first few years I lived here I couldn’t stop talking about how I got to live in Vacation land. Everyone else just comes to visit but I get to live here. It truly is beautiful. Yet the other day when someone from out of town mentioned the view, I complained about it. He was stunned and said, ‘yea I suppose you see it every day’ and I still complained.
The next day when it was cloudy and cold, I thought about that view. I hadn’t take the time to appreciate how beautiful it was. I only saw a grey sky even on a bright blue sunny day. That’s when I realized I need a change.
We’re not promised every day. And if I died tonight – what did I do with my 37 years? Lay in bed and complain about the sunshine? Be sad that I gained too much weight and was kinda anti-social?
Nope – Today I saw the sunrise, I appreciated it. And as for that line of curse words in the beginning of this post… Well I’m attempting to complete a 30 days of abs, arms, and squats, and I had just done 50 squats. Well worth swearing over!
Like they say, after you work out you feel even better. Its true and I need to remember that. You feel better after seeing the sun, getting fresh air, walking your dog, waving at a neighbor or just saying hello and smiling at someone passing by. It really isn’t what you don’t have, or think you can’t do. Its doing what you can and appreciating what you have that brings you happiness. I’ve always been one to say I’d be happy when ____ , fill in the blank. Instead I need to be happy now. I need to appreciate my body and my journey and honor it by treating it right! Exercise and good food.
It hasn’t been that I don’t have time for this blog or the gym. I haven’t made time. Hopefully I can get back on track to the road of sunshine. One day at a time.