Back to the gym

I hired a personal trainer 5 or 6 weeks ago?

I finally said – I need to make a change and someone is going to help me do it! I need to stop bringing up my ex, but I will. He ridiculed everything I did. I didn’t exercise hard enough – it was worthless. I didn’t eat healthy enough, it was worthless. I was worthless and over and over again until I believed it.

This time it would be someone to inspire me. To tell me I was awesome, I could do it and they believed in me. This time I would pay them to be there for me and I didn’t feel bad about it.

I did my first session and geared up to go again in a week. I showed up and she was with someone else. WTF I thought we had a plan. Nope, she scheduled with someone else and pretended that I was wrong. I gave her the benefit of the doubt and scheduled 2 days later. I hadn’t been to the gym since we met – I only needed to go twice. TWO TIMES and I didn’t do that.

I had all the excuses, I cleaned the house, I was tired, I made dinner, I raked leaves. So we did our first session, everything hurt and I was dying. Truth be told everything did hurt and I came down with a miserable cold.

Fast forward a week of bed and I canceled our next session. I was congested and in bed. Fast forward one more week and she was shocked to see me – 2 weeks and I still hadn’t been to the gym on my own. She made me sweat and burn and almost cry but I did 50 minutes of punishment.

Now its 4 days later and I finally made myself go to the GYM! I got home from work at 5 pm and told myself- let the dog out then out to the Gym! But my phone was dying, and my I watch was dying – how would I track my workout. I let them charge and took a few bites of raw pie crust from the package – its basically like raw cookie dough – bad for you and tempting. Don’t worry about it – maybe its just me. Anyway, I did this I did that and I stalled. 6:30 and I said GO TO THE FINGING GYM ALREADY. As I got in my car I thought about how I could not go. How I didn’t want to go . How I hated going.

My mind went dark and even walking up to the door I was upset to be there.

I got going on the workout she scheduled for me on our off time. 5 minutes to start – 5 minutes I told myself I wish I stayed at home. The rest of the machines were weight machines and not so bad – then to finish 20 minutes on the eplictical. 20 Freaking Minutes. I started and never knew how i would finish. I thought about quitting, just stepping down and going home. As I continued though I slowly thought how it wasn’t that bad. Why did my brain get so dark. Why did I think it would be so awful. In the end I felt good, I accomplished something. I thought about how I could continue and melt away the lbs. How I could wear clothes that I felt good in. How I might get a boyfriend by having the confidence in believing he thought I looked hot.

I thought about the guy I have a crush on, the guy that I might see on Friday for drinks. The guy I hoped could see past the 100 lbs of fat on my body and know I was a pretty rad person. I thought about how if I had just started this earlier this year, maybe I’d already be that hot babe that he wanted.

Yea yea yea I know don’t lose weight for a guy but you know what? It’s my motivation and I’ll take any I can get. Maybe I don’t get that guy – but if I get any guy that will be the guy for me. That will be the guy of my motivation.

I feel good. Now I need to clean this house. I’d really like to bring someone back with me for a cuddle on Friday. I’m thankful I should have my period and can’t have sex with anyone but I’d be down for a boy in my bed. It’s been too long.

I also ate a salad today, yesterday and I’m making one for tomorrow.

I need to prep some oatmeal for breakfast too. I’m really hoping these small steps can last. I’m not eating totally healthy but if I make my meals I can save money and calories by not eating out. I also am eating salads and I had a bottle of water. Baby steps to healthy. It’s the only way I do things.

Yet again, Good luck to me.

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Step one

Featured photo: a scenic stop sign

I should look but I’m sure I’ve said step one multiple times before. But let’s cut to the chase, I signed up for a yoga class tomorrow. 

I love yoga and it often helps me build my core, build strength, add flexibility, want to eat better and work out more and I lose weight. Plus it’s a great stress reliever and helps with my lower back pain. 

Lately, my always-regular periods have been out of whack. My back pain has been increasing. My moods have been shaky too. I can’t keep my house clean, often stressing that it’s so messy I can’t even handle it. I’ve been eating and shopping to cope with my stress. Never a good option. 

So a next step. The class is scheduled for tomorrow. I have to go now. No excuses. 

I need a focal point. I need structure to my life. I need a change. Today I ate ice cream and Halloween candy all day. I took the dog for a walk but otherwise I watched tv. I spent $200 between beauty products and bed sheets. I’m not managing my life as much as I’m just trying to escape it. 

This job is intense. It’s big and complex and I’m not prepared. Add in the fact that I got emotionally connected to a person I met three times and spoke on the phone a ton, and I’m just kinda falling apart. My friends aren’t around as much. Attempting to make new ones has been difficult. Online dating is getting me nowhere. Granted, I’m not giving it all my might. I’m not saying it’s worthless. It’s just another battle in my struggle that I’m finding a touch overwhelming at the moment. 

But. Yoga. Tomorrow. I’m very proud I hit schedule. I hate trying new things alone but I’m fed up and I need to start pushing my comfort zone for a healthy change. My body doesn’t make me happy. And I fear that my doctor will tell me if I don’t lose the weight that I’ll become diabetic. I don’t want that. 

I’ll admit another reason. It’s guys. My friends made fun of me for wearing a hoodie and T-shirt to the bar. It was really upsetting. But what am I supposed to wear? A dress? A snug top fitted to my rolls? 

It’s bad enough several work tops don’t fit. They have shrunk or I’ve just gotten too fat.  I’ve attempted diets and “eating healthy” but exercise sometimes pulls me in. I get my body moving and I want to keep moving then I want to feed it healthy stuff. I have almost 100 lbs to lose. 40 would make me insanely happy. 20 would also be a grand start. But it’s not going to happen without a step. 

Wish me luck. Again. 

Complaints

I’ll have to backtrack about the weekend but first I wanted to complain. 

This past week I saw photos from the wedding I stood in. I saw a large girl with huge arms and an overly plump face. It was me.  

In the hotel this weekend I saw my large belly flab that I couldn’t suck in or hide under a sweatshirt because it was so warm. At my parents house, I could see in the bathroom mirror when I turned around my bare butt. It wasn’t cute and round. It was flat, wide, bumpy, and had a sad overall look to it. 

On the drive home yesterday I broke it up by listening to two audio books. One about mini habits for weight loss, and the other about how one woman somehow paid off $18,000 of debt in one year with her $33,000 salary. I call bs on that one but I’m a hater and a pessimist. What can I say?

For weight loss it was, eat more Whole Foods, if you need to stuff your face do it with fruits and veggies rather than potato chips and exercise some. For saving money, don’t spend your money on shit you don’t need. 

It wasn’t mind blowing concepts. It was all do-able things. I thought, yes! I need a change! I can do this! Then I got hungry as I was driving and thought about a cheese dog and ice cream from Dairy Queen. Luckily for my waistline they were closed. 

Once I got home I was tired, warm and well tired. I had no food at home so I could shop, order in or order take out. Somehow my brain thought the most expensive option. With soup, appetizers, a large expensive entree too. $50 later I picked it up and stuffed my face while laying on the couch. 

Wtf happened to weight loss and saving money?

As soon as I came home with 3 bags of food I realized how wasteful of money and overly calorie ridden meal I’d consume. But consume it I did, well except for the soup, though I tried to eat it but my belly hurt. 

I went to bed, sluggish with a full belly and empty wallet. I woke up sluggish, bloated, tired still, over all I felt horrible and I knew it was from eating too much shitty food. 

I still had no food in my house, granted I do have oatmeal which I swore I’d start eating. I ate the soup from yesterday for breakfast with my coffee. Yes. I have no self control or self respect. I also did this in bed while I typed an agenda for a meeting. 

Before my 2 pm meeting I went to McDonalds and got a 2 cheeseburger meal because I wanted the large iced tea. I ate the burgers and large fry in 2 seconds while driving. 

After the meeting I stopped at the food co-op. Figured I could buy lettuce for a salad, maybe some items to make a fruit smoothie with the frozen fruit I have. I ended up with some carrot cake and a PB&J sandwich I just devoured. 

But I told myself I’d type out my shame here. Explain to myself why I weigh 250 lbs. and try to find the motivation to even make a mini habit to break my eating and spending habits. 

Good luck to me. 

Rant over. 

baby steps to Tuesday

Today’s featured image: The sunrise from my backyard this morning.

Human contact. It’s something I never thought would be an issue for me. I grew up extremely shy and hid from the world. When I realized that there was a whole world I wanted to see, or at least a small sliver, I knew I had to face my fear and get out there. Now I can talk to just about anyone. I still get nervous, I’m still shy but it’s a daily battle of what is more important. I love to socialize! The issue now is that I work from home most days. Sometimes I don’t even leave the house except to let my dog out. Even then I just stand in my backyard in my pajamas. I never see people anymore. And yes I have friends but they are all 29/30 and married couples. Many who have adopted me as their third wheel life partner for dinner dates and such, but you don’t meet new people sitting at someone’s home.

Today was no different. But I did adjust my comforter after waking up so I could still claim my bed as being made. You know after you do something 50 zillion times, I hear it becomes a habit. The house is still crazy disorganized mess but baby steps…

My friends are coming up on Thursday, good motivation to finish organizing/cleaning. Tomorrow instead of traveling for work I get to fill in for a co-worker here in my home town… I’m sure I’ll explain my job at some point.

But most importantly today, I used this blog as motivation to hit the gym and be mindful of my diet. Wacky concept I know. I’m the best at procrastination. I’m really great at talking myself out of opportunities but baby steps to healthy choices, right?

Baby Step- Dr Marvin from ‘What About Bob?’ knew what was up! haha I love that movie – and if you haven’t seen it, stop being crazy and watch it. Life Changing.

I’m currently on Weight Watchers and have gained weight because I’m irresponsible. I have a gym membership for over 2 months but tonight was only my second visit. Well, now I’m letting you hold me responsible and I want you to guilt me. Go to the gym… Go outside… Talk to a human face to face!

And then be proud of me, I was on the elliptical for 30 minutes. And while I did contemplate quitting at 15 minutes, then again at 20, 25, 28 and 29, I made it all the way to 30 minutes and not a second more!

I swear I’m not as much of a disaster as I may sound, but I’m here to be honest, and I’ve really got to get myself back together before 38 rolls around in 361 days.