Insanity

In the last month I’ve had several people drop their jaw as I explained, “I’m older than most people think; I’m 38.”

I’ve always been told I look younger than I am but now the reactions seem mind blowing.

While I appreciate I still have a youthful appearance and I’d only hope to have just as youthful personality and energy, but what is it that makes people disbelieve so much? Is 38 a step in the grave, should I look more like the crypt keeper? Why is it so shocking for me to be 38. Certainly 37 didn’t seem to be a reason to exclaim, “You’ve aged well!”

Wtf, I’m aged now? Am I a cheese or wine?

The other day I heard, “you look incredible for your age”!

Do people typically look horrible when they turn 38? I mean, the compliments are nice, but the shock is disheartening. It’s only making me feel older.

My crush thought I was 26. Many others said they’d agree.

Things are weird currently. I can tell it’s hanging over me. I’ve spent over a $1,000 shopping in the last week.

I lost 20 lbs- I hit 229, then I binged on food and booze and hit 240 a week later. The body is a cruel bitch. Regardless I’m wearing my size 16 jeans. They are tight as hell but I can zip them and that’s all that matters. I started my diet again and suddenly I started shopping. Blowing $80 on makeup. I have endless make up. $150 or more on 4 pairs of shoes. Because better to buy 3 pairs of rain boots and return one rather than buy one at a time. Also a pair of wedges for vacation.

I bought $400 + on work outfits online, well tops and jeans. Who knows if they will fit. Then I went to the store and spent $200 on a vacuum and bras. I just ordered $200 of clothes from Target. I bought some shirts and a mug from the college I attended. I purchased new music and a ringtone for my phone. I went to TJMaxx and found $25 shampoo and petsmart for a $50 cat tree. What’s wrong with me?

I had a dream I was in an insane asylum. I attempted to explain that I was sane but they stuck me full of drug filled syringes. I felt my brain begin to melt. I was out of the asylum with my coworkers, as Dreams always seem to leave out important segways, and the town I live in had been bombed. Buildings were on fire, rubble littered the street and the police were announcing to evacuate downtown. I wanted to see my dog, see if he was ok but I couldn’t. Next I know we’re back at the asylum. I had to go back to the asylum to self commit. I was handed a paper and told my boss, you take this. He said no. You deal with it. I attempted to quickly explain I couldn’t have anything f with me when I committed. He said I needed to figure it out. – well if that isn’t life, eh?

Do I feel like I’m loosing it. That my hometown is now a war zone because of this job. Things are too close and just too far away from home. I’m loosing mind

Yea. That might be spot on.

I don’t know what’s happening. I’m ready to date and I’m not. I erased all my dating profiles. I had a drink with another work person, then stalked him online. After seeing that a certain girl “lived” at his address I quickly internet searched her. Seems perhaps that they dated a few years back. But I honestly can’t tell if they are currently dating. My mind went to rage as I remembered my crush was downstate with his baby mama/ fiancé and I realized why I had a dream I was committed.

I need to find my chill.

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Barriers

I just had a dream. I was talking to my crush but we were in different rooms or almost like there was a partition between us. He calmly kept talking from his side and I awkwardly squirmed and shifted to attempt to see him while we talked. Same conversation as normal but there was a barrier.

Funny how your subconscious depicts life. It’s the perfect analogy. Nothing’s changed except I can’t have him.

My mother told me she had, essentially, psychic dreams. We had Gypsy blood in our family, she told me, and as a child she dreamt of snakes for a while, they would climb in through the floor and walls. My grandfather investigated the crawl space under the house one day to find a pit of snakes under my mothers room.

When I was in my 20s I often dreamt of dating my favorite rock star. I knew his real name was PC but wasn’t sure what it stood for. In many dreams his name was Paul and we met at a dinner while with two of my friends. I met my real boyfriend exactly that way months later. At a dinner with the same friends, his name was Paul and I was madly in love with him.

It didn’t work out however. I was still a virgin and thought about waiting until marriage. We once rented a hotel room but we hit a snag and it didn’t happen. Without realizing I insulted him, it ended up being a bad time and later he admitted to sleeping with his ex and cheating on me.

He was the first to cheat on me. Honestly, pretty much every long term relationship I’ve had since, I’ve been cheated on.

This crush, well, he’s off the market because he’ll now be a baby daddy. I had only wished he had told me he was in love. I wished he would have told me, I rekindled a old flame and the timing finally worked. No, I’m getting married cuz she’s pregnant.

Just fitting that I dreamt of a barrier. I really do still enjoy him as a friend but I don’t think the friendship can grow given the circumstances.

The next day.

I feel ill. I think exercise has made me ill, plus my ridiculous dehydration, I think I left my water bottle at the gym. 😦

More than likely my coworker, who has a cold, gave it to me. But I like to blame exercise. I only slept 5 hours, I forgot to eat dinner, so yea, I’m a prime candidate for a cold right now.

Today I took pictures in a bra and g-string. It wasn’t flattering. It was down right gross. I think I look ok with my clothes on but ekk! I haven’t seen the amount of rolls on my back, the squareness of my ass or the bumpy lumpy thighs and hips. My stomach has begun to expand and start to hang.

It was a pleasant reminder of why I want to motivate myself. Eat well and exercise, you’ll drop weight and tighten up all the lumps and bumps that aren’t in the right places. 70 lbs is the goal. But for now , I think I’ll take a nap.

And I get back up… eventually

So. I was dealt a blow. I had made up a dream scenario in my head of my perfectly ever after. Today, after being teased for 3 months that it could come true, after really talking about things for a year. (No we weren’t involved but there was flirting, and obviously complications because of work). Even other people telling me it would … it was burst. “I’m getting married cuz I’m having a baby”.

Awesome. So glad to hear you’re in love. So nice that you’ve never bothered to mention her name or even that there was a her. It was a smack across my face. Here I was thinking Disney Fairy Tales while you’re apparently in your own or, you know, need to be married so your child isn’t born in sin. Whatever.

Obviously I’m hurt. I stuck my neck out for this guy. Tried to stand up for him when others didn’t. Wanted to protect him and be there for him. I wanted to be his everything but he was giving that to someone else while flirting with me.

What hurts the most is my friends were right. Here’s the second guy I’ve opened my wounded heart to, only to have him crush it again. It’s more than a crush, and it’s less than obsessive. He told me I was beautiful. It’s silly and small but it was the first compliment that felt sincere and special since my ex crushed my spirit.

I was reduced to rubble and barely getting by. Depression is hard. Feeling worthless not only because you can’t see the sun when it’s shining, but when you’ve been told for so long that you’re nothing and no one will ever want you, it becomes truth. It becomes you. It’s as if nothing ever mattered before or will again. That’s mental and emotional abuse and until you (hopefully never) experience it, you’ll never understand how much damage it does. How much pain and weight it carries. If it was physical abuse I would have needed a hospital stay and should have been in years of rehab. Instead I tried to heal myself, or really just shelter myself from the world.

I gained 50 lbs, quit doing the things I loved. Lived in a trash can of my house and just let my world slowly unravel. Day by day things were easier but some days the weight got harder, the day grew darker and the sun wouldn’t rise. But I saw the words, you’re beautiful and smart. Someone saw value in me. Someone looked at me with longing. It wasn’t over night magic. I didn’t believe it. He couldn’t be talking about me. But he was. Over and over I played it out in my head. But I couldn’t accept. It was work related. I needed to stay at arms length and be professional.

But … yet again, I pushed away and they get married to someone else. This is the second time. The first I was still with my ex. I broke it off and kicked him out of the house but he came back, told me he’d make it right. Told me all the things I longed for him to say. Then after he snarled me in his web the abuse started again. At that point my potential suitor was gone.

Tonight, I went to the gym. I did an assessment and lifted more weights than I assumed I could. I was told I don’t need to lose as much weight as I assumed- over 60lbs but not 100 as I thought. I told her I wanted a trainer. Someone to hold me accountable. To shame me and make me feel guilt. But honestly I want, and desperately need someone to tell me I’m good, that I can do it and do it well. I need encouragement and praise. I need to feel worthy and whole. I need to be able to accept that my ex abused me and people, not just one person and enter my heart and mind and soul. I can love again and I don’t have to imagine it. I just need to believe in it. That’s the hardest part. Believing in myself, standing up for myself and loving myself. I really need to start day dreaming about me. Being there for me.

A knock down

I haven’t posted in a month. I thought about it. I contemplated. I thought, what if I jinx it?

Today all dreams, day and night, crashed and shattered.

Nothing actually happened. No one died, no one was hurt, except my imaginary world where I’m happy.

Jesus that sounds emo af.

I had a dream a week ago. All I remember was that it was dark, but a tall man touched my neck ever so gently to move the clasp of my necklace to the back of my neck. Then we both leaned in for a kiss. It was perfect.

I woke up and looked in the mirror at my necklace. The clasp had worked it’s way into the pendant’s loop. As I tried to move the clasp to the back the chain snapped. It was broken without repair and the jewelry store was closed on Sunday.

All I could think is that it was a sign, you had a chance but it’s over now. I thought maybe if I get a new chain ASAP there could still be a chance. But the chain spoke, and the dreams broke right along with it.

Sorry to start with a mopey, emo post for April. I’m off to the gym. Hoping I won’t cry but instead and fight 80 lbs off with anger and pain and have a rocking bod before the end of the year to make me feel good. We can hope.

Procrastination and fear

I read an article about self inflicted anxiety over procrastination. You put something off. By avoiding it you have relief but each day you continue, the anxiety grows. The temporary relief makes it appear worth while but it’s not. Sometimes snowballing into worse issues.

He makes a valid point by saying you initially avoid something due to fear.

I thought about my own procrastination. Weight loss. I know how. Stop being lazy. Get moving. Eat better and less.

I don’t do it. Why? I take comfort in food. I also take comfort in blaming my weight for being unhappy, single and what have you.

Cleaning my house. Every time I organize my house. Pick things off the floor, clean the counter, organize something, I feel wonderful. Why do t I keep this up? Is it because I can’t invite people in if it’s a mess? I can’t have boys over, I will have time to go out rather than the excuses I use now to stay home?

Why? Why do I fear having a life? It’s a sick cycle. I need to beak it.

Diets and cleaning

I refused to clean my house for my overnight guests last weekend. I attempted to bring someone home despite the mess. What’s going on here?

This weekend I slugged most of the weekend away. Giddily excited that I spoke to my crush but not excited enough to share any real news. I canceled yoga but actually got a hair cut. Will wonders ever cease?

I pseudo cleaned. Throwing things away, vacuuming and swiffering the floor. I made a mess of my kitchen counter but hey, the living room almost looks livable.

The diet was off the charts. All I wanted was to eat eat eat while picturing sun dresses and sunshine. I bought plane tickets to go to New Jersey. Princeton to be exact, in 2 months. Technically 3 months I guess. If I could drop 20 lbs in that time – I mean, could you imagine? I’d feel like I would be on top of the world. Instead I eat and eat and eat.

I bought salad and some veggies. Here’s to hoping I eat them. The more I eat the Nutrisystem dinners the more I dislike them. I’m thinking of quoting the auto purchase. Maybe still order breakfast and lunch. But the dinner options are just gross.

I’m hoping I can clean and keep the house clean. I’m hoping I might get that fun membership and really start working. I’m hoping I’ll find a cute guy and things will happen. I gotta stop relying on hope. It’s gotten my no where in the last decade.

March 2nd

I told myself on March 1st that it was a new month. A good time to focus on the diet. Then the option of getting bbq ribs for dinner happened and suddenly nothing else mattered.

Today I thought, it’s Friday! My manager left this morning and the Water guy was leaving by 3 pm. No dinners out and I could skip eating lunch with them. Well, the water guys flight was canceled. So we got steak for dinner.

Somehow my calories in weren’t super extreme. Mostly because I had only eaten 500 calories by dinner time. Leaving room for 1500 cal dinners.

My new month of frozen foods came along with some snacks and shakes I bought.

My weight is back up to 245, only 3 lbs down essentially in 3 weeks. Granted it’s been a busy 3 weeks with most days eating out.

Tomorrow I’ve already scheduled yoga. I’ve got a plan to clean the house and be ready for company. Though I have no company planned, I’d like to be ready for anything.

A drunken attempt

Featured photo: an outhouse from the Trenary Outhouse Classic.

The Outhouse Classic is a race in which people build an outhouse, mandatory to be on skis and have a toilet seat, and race it down the Main Street of a tiny town called Trenary.

Every year my friends and I travel to this tiny town to watch the race. A track is built of snow down the street and people line up, generally drink in hand to cheer the racers as they push their creations along the track.

This year I worried that I would get instantly drunk due to my diet. I haven’t been eating as much or drinking for that matter. It was a solid fear as I instantly became hammered and nothing else mattered.

My friend was talking to a guy who had Whiskey in a can. It was tasty and tasted like Brandy. Fast forward hours later and apparently I not only told the guy to come home with me, I told my friend, who was staying with me, I was going to have sex with him but she would have to go upstairs. This is not me. This guy wasn’t attractive, he wasn’t my type, he wasn’t outstandingly intelligent or anything that I’d be attracted to. I think he was just there.

My crush had texted me that morning, he had sent me an email saying he’d be up this weekend. I asked if we could meet on Monday. Then Saturday he told me a road was closed due to weather. He couldn’t travel up here. We texted a few times then I sent him a video saying it’s what he was missing by moving further away. I had him on the brain and wanted to take him home. So the next best thing was a guy paying attention to me right?

I was wrong. This guy was more and more of a dud as the day went on. He lives about 30 minutes away and canceled his ride to go with us. I didn’t realize he’d have no way back home. He then stayed with us. From 1p – 12:30p the next day when I told him he would have to get someone to pick him up.

It was awkward and weird. He never made a move either which I appreciated but also was like, what’s the point?

He told me over and over again about his job but never bothered to ask me about mine. He admitted to living with his parents, I own my own home. Im 38, he’s 28. I’m not trying to be a bitch by putting others down on their career choice or anything but I’d like to at least find someone that has the same drive and amount of passion as I do.

He slept on the couch and I was thankful I sobered up enough to know not to sleep with him. I still only want my crush but I at least attempted to expand my horizons.

Now I really need to know, is my crush an option or ami really throwing myself out there?

Diet day 10

I realize yesterday my title was Day 8. I had completed 8 days but today is actually day 10.

It’s 4:52 pm and I’m existing on 500 calories. I usually eat more for just breakfast. I’m not attempting to be this strict. I’ve just been so insanely busy that I haven’t eaten much. Feast or famine, I swear.

Work is extremely busy, stressful and busy. Im currently managing a 28 million dollar project and attempting to complete a 5 million State job, in another State. It’s the most work and different type of work I’ve ever done and sometimes I feel like I’m barely keeping my head above water. Eating is my release, my friend, my confidant. It tells no one if I eat two meals plus dessert. It can be with me at most times. It travels with me- that is I pick up fast food and eat it in the car.

Now I’m learning portion size. When I saw the snack size portions I thought, wtf is this? I’m slowly realizing this is normal. I would eat 2 huge chicken breasts and not think twice because I didn’t add anything to it. Now I eat a trail bar and 2 cups of veggies and realize it’s all I need. It’s kind of a bizarre concept compared to a 2 cheese burger meal with Extra large fries and still being hungry.

You really have to live it to experience it and the motivation to stick to it is really the biggest hurdle. Hearing someone say, I just was too busy to eat enough usually makes me want to punch people in the face. I’m sorry if it’s my imaginary face you want to punch while reading this. It’s only day 10. Check back and see if I’m still feeling it on day 30. They say habits form after 30 days. Time will tell.

Ps. My current weight loss goal is 28 lbs, after that 20 more and if possible another 20 and then another 20. My ideal weight (for me) is 160lbs. That would be a total of 88 lbs to loose. Currently I’d be pumped as shit to get to 200, but 180 would be even sweeter. In the past 7 years the best I’ve done is 26lbs before I faltered. I’ll do better this time. 🙂