Diet. Day 1

Featured photo: my breakfast with a computer mouse for size.

Nutrisystem Turbo week. Day 1. For the next 7 days I’ll only be allowed 1000 calories per day. Basically starve yourself for 1 week and notice results! Shocking. Sigh.

I can eat some veggies. God save me.

So far I’m 30 minutes in with no complaints. Let’s see where it gets me. I still have black coffee and my water bottle so life isn’t all bad. To be fair the muffin was tasty, dense and again, no complaints. Meal 1- sufficient.

I packed a loaded baked potato bowl and turbo bar and shake. I’m keeping those to sustain me through the later hours. I assume I’ll be cranky as my body realizes I’m not just stressed, I’m abusing it on purpose.

Stay tuned. #stillhopefull. 😉

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Another Tuesday

Somehow it’s February. My resolutions are all but shattered remnants of hopes and dreams. My crush is back and that’s given me a hope and good thoughts of a clean slate with just enough lack in faith to fall into old ruts.

The house is dirty, my car is a mess, I haven’t worked out and I ate guacamole and bacon for dinner tonight. I signed up for Nutrisystem. They send me food and I don’t bother with shopping or cooking. Let’s recap, I made guacamole and microwaved bacon for dinner. I haven’t gotten any do I don’t know if it’s good yet.

The crush is in town tomorrow night. He’ll be around Thursday. Told me today he’d be in town for a week, but I’m leaving. Fate- you evil bitch.

Granted who’s to say we would even see each other potentially this weekend but you can’t see each other if you aren’t in the same town. Insert frowny face.

It’s all I’ve got right now. But at least I can look forward to a weekend with friends. That will be exciting.

The sign

I’ve been 240 lbs for some time. I almost got to 222 two years ago but I’m back up. I’ve pushed 247 recently.

I think of myself as curvy and beautiful. But when I catch my reflection I assume it’s a bad angle, a poor mirror or anything to believe the rounded lumps of my cheeks, ass, hips, calves, etc.

We’re told we should be beautiful as we are, but I can’t shake the self loathing. I flirt and sashay my ass around like some suave French hooker, but I can’t lie- my self confidence ends with my clothes on. Harmless flirting with dreams of sex but I create diversions to keep myself out of reach. Or perhaps it’s just what I tell myself to keep believing that men want me.

With each shrunken article in my closet, with each piece of merchandise that I can’t squish into, with each ache I feel, I realize- I can’t live like this.

I’m not healthy. I’m obese and my body is screaming for help. My calf still aches from a pulled muscle. My big toe and fingers randomly go numb and I’m terrified of hearing I have diabetes like my father who is now in a wheelchair.

Today I walked the dog. Nothing crazy, just a mile walk. I’ve logged my calories for 3 days, below 1500 to just at 2000. I know in past days I’ve logged 3000 calories or more.

Later in the day I think about eating more and more until I realize I’m not hungry, just bored. I need to keep this up. Recognizing self pleasure should not be found by stuffing my face. It’s a hard concept. I’m trying to drink water. I know I’m constantly dehydrated.

The motivation needs to stick. Last time I dropped 15 lbs I was in a size smaller pant, feeling like a queen and so very proud. I can do this. I have everything I need. I just need to do- there is no try.

Also, let’s get motivated about money. I’ve got $3000 in credit card debt. $11,000 left on my car loan and a total of $26,000 in student loans. Two of which are under $1,000. I should be able to knock out the credit cards and half the car debt by the end of the year, don’t you think?

Less $50 meals cuz I’m too lazy to cook. Less Amazon shopping sprees of things I don’t need. Less food and shopping to bring self happiness and more gym and outdoors time for me!

I’ve got the motivation. Let’s do this.

He’s back

Yesterday was the day. He had his sentencing and then he was supposed to meet with me about the project in the afternoon.

I got so nervous I was shaking but luckily he was delayed and by the time he showed up I just acted like nothing. He made quite a few cocky remarks; for instance, “I was pissed off when I found out what happened” and his reply? “Yea I was too” with a shit eating grin on his face.

He made comments about bidding a job through jail bars and bidding on a house for $20,000 but he lost the bid. He did say however he got the bid for the job.

I told him there was no more fun. He promised that he would do a good job, he’s a hard worker and a good worker and I would see.

I gazed into his eyes for probably longer than I should have but he held my gaze as well. He looked a little rough around the edges but still handsome as can be.

Today I took the chance and asked him if he wanted to come with me walking through the campground. It was more date-y than not but it was still work related. He asked for a 30 minute warning and when I gave it to him he turned me down. Claiming he was too crabby.

He did say Sorry however.

Just being around him gets me fucking giddy. It makes me want to be a better person and I instantly feel pretty again.

I could be reading into it, I could be only hearing and seeing what I want to see. But I just can’t believe I’m making this all up either.

I want to marry him still. I’ve never been this stupidly attracted to anyone.

I know I can’t put all my eggs in a basket. Especially this one. But god damnit there is something just magnetic about him.

Being single in a sea of married couples

I know I’m not the last single person on the planet but at times it can feel that way. The loneliness isn’t the issue, its having every other coupled human feeling sad for you and reminding you how alone you are. Its getting the fact drilled back at you – you know you could get with this pathetic other loser who is alone and can’t seem to find anyone else to co-mingle with. Gee thanks, but I’m good, PS. you’re an Asshole.

That exact conversation hasn’t happened but I wish at least I could muster the part about calling people out. For instance my friend just got married. She had a ridiculously small wedding, close friends and family. She called me out when she played Single Ladies and said – you’re the ONLY SINGLE LADY HERE. You’re the only one not married so you have to dance to this – its your song!

I know she thought she was being hilarious – but she was being a flaming bitch.

Other friends like to point out how Sad it is that I’ll be spending a Christmas alone – ALONE! Fuck really? Am I alone? Oh Jesus let me get out the noose and find a step stool. Thanks jackass.

Why are married couples so dead set on pointing out the failures of single people? Why can’t people be single, be alone, and happy? Why can’t they just be?

Granted the same friend that is so upset I am alone is also a raging bitch when I talk about people I’m interested in or me thinking about hooking up with someone – but apparently I’m “Too Old” for one night stands. Oh Damn, I didn’t see that one in the rule book on life.

On the other hand – I’ve heard time and time again you are attracted to someone like your parents. It happened in my last relationship.

At first there were several red flags but I was so happy to be in a relationship I didn’t care. I wanted the relationship first and the companion second. I thought if I just brushed them aside that it could work – that things would change or maybe I could just change. Live and learn right?

Things were never great, things were always on the verge of disaster- but there was so much going on in both our lives. I was starting a new chapter in my life – I got the internship I was hoping for and just graduated college. He was coming back to college or err leaving college? I don’t remember. He wanted to go out West and begin his own new beginning. I wanted to stay planted and see what my internship could lead to.

In the end – 5 years down the road – he still wanted a new beginning elsewhere and I still wanted to remain planted. I was still making more money than him, we both had careers but I bought a house, got a dog, was raising his cats, had responsibilities and was 35 wanting to start a family. He was a man child with daddy issues and daydreams that were in the stars.

Things had been bad for years. I would think/talk about leaving him but my friends all said – you have to work, relationships are hard. They would tell me I needed to try harder. I needed to change.

I did change. By the end of our dying relationship -I was a shell of my former self. A weak, spent, overly manipulated shell trying to please everyone but myself. I was so broken I believed my ex when he told me I needed to sell my house and get rid of the cats he left me with, and my dog, because I could never make it on my own.

Granted I had been making it on my own while supporting  him along the way and the bastard had broken my spirit so far that I believed him that I couldn’t survive without him.

Today, as I sat here with my Mom and Dad I realize how my ex was with me is the same as how my Dad treats my Mom. He is mean, never kind, he treats her like dirt yet makes her wait on him hand and foot but also says things to her in a way that makes her feel like she is stupid. He ignores her when he wants but how dare she not be listening and obeying his every word. My Dad is a horrible person to my Mom. My Mom only wants to help, her every fiber in her body is to help you -get you food, get you something to drink, let me take the dog out, do your laundry etc.

I chose to cook, I told her I’d let the dog out – I would be an adult and she was almost sad. Her whole life has simply been as a maid, cook and butler to my father. I saw my own life while I was with my ex as that person. The exact same.

I wish I could take my Mom out of the situation – but I don’t know that she would experience the same joy as I did when I finally realized I was free of a giant leach draining me of money, time, and emotional energy. I love my Dad cuz he is my Dad and at times I dislike him for how shitty he treats my Mother.

It also makes me realize how happy I am to be alone. I know not all people are bad but honestly – its better to be on my own and supporting myself than on my hands and knees pleading for the support of someone else. The statement that I need to “Get yourself a Man” makes me want to punch people in the face. I’m very capable of buying, owning and maintaining a house – which I am doing, without a “Man”. I have a career which is pretty damn good and I dunno what more I could be doing if I had “a Man” in my life. Now a partner, a best friend, a baby daddy even – that could be pretty good – but I don’t need a fucking Man in my life to merely get by.  I’m doing pretty good on my own just being a female.

Step one

Featured photo: a scenic stop sign

I should look but I’m sure I’ve said step one multiple times before. But let’s cut to the chase, I signed up for a yoga class tomorrow. 

I love yoga and it often helps me build my core, build strength, add flexibility, want to eat better and work out more and I lose weight. Plus it’s a great stress reliever and helps with my lower back pain. 

Lately, my always-regular periods have been out of whack. My back pain has been increasing. My moods have been shaky too. I can’t keep my house clean, often stressing that it’s so messy I can’t even handle it. I’ve been eating and shopping to cope with my stress. Never a good option. 

So a next step. The class is scheduled for tomorrow. I have to go now. No excuses. 

I need a focal point. I need structure to my life. I need a change. Today I ate ice cream and Halloween candy all day. I took the dog for a walk but otherwise I watched tv. I spent $200 between beauty products and bed sheets. I’m not managing my life as much as I’m just trying to escape it. 

This job is intense. It’s big and complex and I’m not prepared. Add in the fact that I got emotionally connected to a person I met three times and spoke on the phone a ton, and I’m just kinda falling apart. My friends aren’t around as much. Attempting to make new ones has been difficult. Online dating is getting me nowhere. Granted, I’m not giving it all my might. I’m not saying it’s worthless. It’s just another battle in my struggle that I’m finding a touch overwhelming at the moment. 

But. Yoga. Tomorrow. I’m very proud I hit schedule. I hate trying new things alone but I’m fed up and I need to start pushing my comfort zone for a healthy change. My body doesn’t make me happy. And I fear that my doctor will tell me if I don’t lose the weight that I’ll become diabetic. I don’t want that. 

I’ll admit another reason. It’s guys. My friends made fun of me for wearing a hoodie and T-shirt to the bar. It was really upsetting. But what am I supposed to wear? A dress? A snug top fitted to my rolls? 

It’s bad enough several work tops don’t fit. They have shrunk or I’ve just gotten too fat.  I’ve attempted diets and “eating healthy” but exercise sometimes pulls me in. I get my body moving and I want to keep moving then I want to feed it healthy stuff. I have almost 100 lbs to lose. 40 would make me insanely happy. 20 would also be a grand start. But it’s not going to happen without a step. 

Wish me luck. Again. 

Friday the 13th

They say another Friday the 13th won’t happen in October until 2023 or something. I’ll be 43. Sigh. 

My day was fine. I met with my hot electricians mother. Now this may seem weird or maybe you have no idea what I’m talking about. There was an extremely hot electrician that I was having bid on work for a project my company was putting together. He thought the work would be too much and never make the project, then texted me at 6 am asking if I wanted to get naked. I sssumed he just sent the text to the wrong person but he admitted (with a slew of compliments) that it was for me while he was drunk. And the question became, who is still drunk at 5 am? Usually I’m long pasted out at that point. 

Unfortunately my company was still interested in his bid, so I did not pursue him personally though the flirting (mutually) continued. For 1/2 year. Until he stopped texting me. The contracts were signed, work to be started and he was no where to be seen. His business is family owned. That’s where his mom gets involved. I’ve spoken with her quite a few times. And I’ve met her multiple times. Shes told me all about the family. Praising and explains that the son I had been dealing with had no children and wasn’t married. Excellent. 

Unfortunately it was in the news 2 weeks ago, he was arrested for several things, mostly possession of cocain. COCAIN. wtf. 

I had to make a very awkward call to his mother asking if the business would be ok and such. We got through it. She was pleasant. I felt horrible for asking. I really like his mom and his brother. His dad is ridiculously handsome for being older. That honestly has nothing to do with the rest but it’s still a legit statement. 

Yesterday I met her and she asked that we take a ride to another project site. While In my vehicle she told me all about how she became a master electrician. That she was one of the first in the State of Michigan. I now had even more respect for her. Then she brought up her son. She said she saw him and he looks a ton better. I wanted to ask what’s going to happen? Will he go to Prison? Is he still in jail? Was the cocain his? Wtf? But there’s work and there’s personal life and as damning as it is I really try to keep them separate. Plus, I just had a crush on her son. I dreamt I’d marry him but honestly we’re not even “friends”. Yet somehow I’m remarkably sad that this has happened. 

We stopped back to her car and I kept talking to her, somehow managing to bring him back up and her to talk. I remember saying, “Is he…” I wasn’t even sure how I could finish the question, or which question to ask but luckily she knew. She looked me in the eyes and said point blank, “My son has had a cocain problem for sometime”. 

Immediatly I could feel my face contorting to a look of shock mixed with sorrow. I think I softly said, I didn’t know, while looking at the ground. She told me he’s still in jail, she won’t bail him out but things are looking good for him and he’s looking better. His mood has improved and he is more positive. He immediatly asked about his two small newphews. He perked up when she started talking about the project because that is his life and he loves it. 

She told me she doesn’t know when he got into it or how. That his girlfriend had a problem with alcohol and they had recently broken up. He went downhill from there. Then with him in Milwaukee. She just really wasn’t sure what happened. 

She looked me in the eye a few more times, almost trying to find the answers for herself if I was a user. I don’t remember what she was saying but it was more of a mothers look, are you in trouble? Did you start this trouble? I remember looking away and talking softly again saying how much he helped me understand his scope. That we were texting a lot. I knew he was in Milwaukee, he had told me. 

In the end she told me, she saw her son in there, the old personality, caring about his family and the business and not hallowed out and robotic. I told her I was really happy, really good to hear he’s doing well. She told me it would be a year before he’s back. He’s staying in jail then going to rehab. 

It was a good conversation. It was one that isn’t between contractor and their sub. But that’s how it’s been all along. I really like this family. Maybe more than I should. 

Maybe it wasnt a spooky haunted Friday the 13th. Or maybe it was. I just can’t spend a year thinking about the one guy who I clicked with so immediatly. The one I share so many interests with. The one who understands the stresses of my job. The one who we started a disagreement and both got slightly heated with a misunderstanding but quickly resolved it. The one who was nothing like my ex. The one who loves kids and wants a family now. The one who I can’t stop thinking about when he’d keep stealing glances at me during a meeting and said my name every single time he’d say goodbye. 

Fuck man. 

Hello October

Featured photo: an old desk I’m repurposing into a makeup vanity. 

October 1st was a beautiful day. It started chilly, warmed up with full sun to high 60s and ended on a cold note. But it was fantastic. 

I woke at 6:30 am and procrastinated in bed until almost 9. I thought, coffee first, and attempted to do almost anything to avoid mowing the lawn. I even thought about getting on here to talk about my procrastination skills. Instead I bit the bullet and mowed. My lawn, for a city property is actually pretty big. It takes me about 40 minutes to mow it. That doesn’t include trimming or sweeping or raking, cuz let’s be real, I don’t do any of that. 

After the lawn I wrestled this old, real wood desk out of my house to sand it. I bought it from an online post for $40. Usually I don’t like to paint wood, but it needed some touch up and I wasn’t about to re-stain the whole thing. Lots of sanding and 4 cans of spray paint later it was done. Now I’m under the covers with paint fumes invading my bedroom. I’ve got the window wide open hoping to air out the space but my lungs aren’t too pleased. 

I didn’t do laundry or clean the bathroom. I did clean out the sink but it’s filled with dirty dishes again.  I was planning on eating every meal at home, I talked myself out of take out, I had cooked dinner when a friend asked me out to dinner. So, not one to refuse I covered dinner up in plastic wrap and went out. $30 later I was overly full and my calories were triple what I had prepared for dinner. Fuck, I still have corn on the cob in the microwave. :/ 

My period is late by almost 2 weeks. I know I’m not pregnant but I don’t understand. I’ve gone through the motions. My normal ups and downs of emotions and physical symptoms. I’ve just been waiting and waiting, knowing the minute I don’t wear black undies or back up it will strike. Seriously if you’re a dude you will never understand the fear that you bled through your pants. That you’ll wreck another pair of panties, that you’ll leave a bloodstain on your sheets/blanket/mattress or pillow. It’s damn annoying. 

Ok. I’m going to chug my sleepy time tea. Hopefully pass out then finish up work and decorate my yard for Halloween. I’m seriously behind schedule. Only 30 days til Halloween!!!

Busy

I’ve been so busy with work. Yesterday I was up until 11 pm writing contracts. Today I started work at 7:30 and chatted with a co-worker until 4:30p when another coworker suggested getting dinner. I got noting done. We laughed, we discussed work, it was a good time. I’m now in bed and thinking about the cute boy I met today. Just through work but he was cute. Not hot like the electrician but cute. 

I also heard news about the electrician. When we first reached out to him, my coworker got his vm. It was a girl’s voice. He was in Cancun with his gf. Sooo just before I met him he had a gf. News to me. 

This new guy I’ll see tomorrow but I don’t know if I’ll see him after. I know I’ve seen him on match or tinder before. He’s adorable like a teddy bear. Every time I’d steal glances at him, I noticed he’d look back at me. Cute!

We’ll see if anything comes from it. 

Sunday is for the lazy

Day 3. I woke up around 10 am. Sometime around noon I hauled the broken snowblower out of the shed and through the snow, closer to the deck. I believe the carburetor is the problem, and I have a replacement kit, but I can’t get access. I have a firm belief that a hammer can fix most things, but I still couldn’t get the damn knob off the shifter. I also realized I missed one bolt on the cover – and without a 10 mm crescent wrench – the snowblower is left to sit in the snow, broken for the 2nd year in a row.

I was about to call a friend when I realized how disgusting my house was. Dirty clothes, dirty dishes, just overall disarray. I know the issue, I have depression and I bet a touch of ADD and hoarders complex. Admitting it is the first step to any solution right?
When I realized I’d be too embarrassed to have my friend come in my house, I knew I had to ditch the snowblower project, again, and start cleaning the house.

I started by making my bed. This included dumping all the clean clothes I had dumped there last week onto the floor since I wasn’t sure what was clean or dirty. Then I had to do loads of laundry, which brought me into the bathroom. Here I started organizing the cabinets above the washer and I found 4 empty soap dispensers. I realized I had kept them to use them to refill foaming soap with water and body wash. Whalla, cheap foaming hand soap! The problem is I still have over 20 hand soap pumps full because I went insane buying them during a sale 2 years ago.  See what I mean about being a hoarder? Thankfully I threw all the empty ones away.

From the cabinets I went to under the sink to look for a sponge, instead I organized quickly to find I had over 160 panty liners, multiple boxes of tampons, and more toothpaste and deodorant, shampoo than I ever thought I owned. Mental note: Stop buying things when they are on sale.

From there I bleached down the toilet, scrubbing bubbled the shower, added dishes to the dishwasher and finally went back to make my bed. 5 loads of laundry later I have a made bed but piles of clean laundry on it waiting to be folded. See the ADD pattern – I never quite make it through one task before starting another. This throughout the day leads to nothing seeming to be completed. Everything only half done.

Though I may not have fixed my snowblower, I do have a clean toilet, clean wrinkled clothes, I reattached my closet door that had fallen off last week, and I finally brought in the outdoor christmas decorations that had been sitting by the front door for a few weeks, though they are only sitting in a box on my coffee table… but baby steps, right? I still spent most of the day watching TV. Can you tell what a mess my personal life is yet?

Day 3 of being 37. No exercise. Limited access to the outdoors. No human contact. But clean laundry and a made bed. Better than nothing.