And then I got my beer…

Wednesday I get a text from Jake the boss guy. He is excited for Friday. I was too. Friday comes and I realized I didn’t clean my house. I procrastinated and procrastinated. I went home for lunch on Friday just to attempt to clean slightly more.

I texted him and we were finally going out. I ran home, threw on a shirt that showed off my boobs but I still had on a hoodie to look kinda chill but also nice?

He may a statement how he was still dirty from work – I thought – ok he’s not trying hard.

I went back and forth in my brain, is this a date or a work thing? I couldn’t tell. Then as we went to get a bite to eat his Baby Mama calls. I really, honestly didn’t know that she was still around. I thought maybe she was downstate. Maybe she had broke up, I really didn’t know.

He told her his parents would drive him home – he would be drinking and his car is busted. He told her not to drive into town to get him.

We ate and joked and it was just a harmless friend dinner. I asked him about the guy I was supposed to go out for drinks with. He told me we needed shots before he could tell me more.

We got shots, we got more beers and we got pretty drunk. He finally admitted that Steve, the guy who asked me out first, and him were talking about how cute I am and how they’d like to double team me. WTF.

I was flattered and offended and mostly drunk but what? Here I am, I thought both of them respected me. I also don’t find myself sexy – I’m literally 100 lbs overweight. I have a big ass and tits and I guess that’s fuckable but I dunno. Seriously?

Then I thought – well hey, he wants to have sex with me. I knew that but didn’t know it was still happening. Then at one point he grabbed my hand to put it on his dick. I grabbed my hand back but I can’t say I wasn’t into it. My friends showed up to the same bar and it was pretty obviously he became jealous when I spoke to my male friend. He had his arms around me, and we were starting to have our hands all over each other. By the time we got to the next bar I was so wasted I shouldn’t have been served. He was denied his drink and just started making out with me. I cant tell you exactly what happened next but he was kicked out of the bar and I found him as he grabbed my hand to walk home and we stopped every so often to grab each other passionately. It was everything I’ve wanted for the longest time ever.

I know at one point he answered the phone to tell someone he would just crash on their couch. I assumed it was his parents who wondered where he was because they didn’t want to wait up to drive him home.

On the way home he pushed me up against a wall to kiss and tell me how much he wanted to fuck me. I couldn’t help but admit and pull his hair and tell him how I’ve wanted to fuck him since the day I met him. He got overly giddy and excited saying I KNEW IT I knew it! The fact that he was so elated to know that I wanted to fuck him made me even more giddy and although I had promised myself that I wouldn’t – that was well out the window now. We started walking again and he grabbed me and started slamming his crotch into my ass – it was hot and I wasn’t even offended though it was a bit rough.

I hadn’t even realized he had pulled his dick out while he attempted to fuck me at an overpass. Anyone that was driving on the highway would have seen it. I told him we needed to get to my house and he said, let me put my dick away.

We stopped a few times while stumbling into each other, sucking on each other’s faces, all the while he kept saying , My dick is so hard! It was a hot, drunken, but passionate endeavor. Then his phone rings. Like 2 houses from mine his phone rings. Like an asshole he always answers his damn phone. I can’t hear much but I can hear a woman screaming. He tells her what street we are on and says my name. MY Name! She knows who I am? He’s never told me about her – He doesn’t talk about her at all and now he tells her he is with me? We’re two houses from mine, he just had his dick out as he tried to fuck me on an overpass 4 minutes ago and now he tells her what street we’re on?

Next thing I know there are headlights and all I can think is some crazy bitch is searching for her baby daddy after he had his dick out on the street. After he got me drunk to tell me how he wanted to double team me with his employee. She pulled up and he said, Get in. Get IN? I said OH HELL NO! And Quickly walked away. I heard him open the door with more screaming. I heard a car squeal away and assumed it was her.

There I was. 2 houses away from fucking the guy I’ve been obsessed with for 1.5 years. Fucking a guy who I know is wrong for me now but I’ve been so infatuated with I was willing to ruin my career for. A guy I knew had a gal at home but I was choosing to ignore. I got inside my house and was partly relieved and partly concerned and partly hoping his relationship would end.

Saturday I was so hungover I was useless. I wanted to text him but I held back. I decided it could wait – we were nothing and it was nothing and it didn’t happen. I kept remembering him telling me how hard his dick was. How much he wanted me. I haven’t had anyone tell me that in a long time though I know this isn’t want I want. I want a relationship. I want marriage and a child. Not a rough fuck and good night.

Today I get a text. He cant find either of his credit cards and wonders if I had an idea. I tell him I have one and ask how his Saturday was. Hungover of course. Then he tells me how Baby Mama wasn’t mad at me and wanted me to know that. She wasn’t mad at me? Wasn’t mad at me for what? For the fact that her baby daddy had his dick out. That she could have caught us all over each other if she was down the road 4 minutes sooner? WTF isn’t she mad at me for?!? I can only assume that he told her something like he was offering me a job at his company – he had mentioned that briefly earlier – which I kinda thought he would want me to work for him. But perhaps he told me this outing was for him to offer me a job and he was walking me home when she came freaking out. I’m assuming she knew nothing about what the entire outing actually was. I’m assuming no one at either bar knew who we were but I can’t be sure.

I’m angry and annoyed and sad all at once. I need to stop. I need to let it go. Then I wondered – does he even remember? Did he black out? He was completely obliterated. I feel the need to tell him tomorrow – maybe sometime next week- who knows when I will have the time to tell him.

It wont matter though. I really don’t know what it could possibly matter. Sigh. My horoscope said that when you have a wish to the universe and it goes unanswered it’s actually the universe blocking something to protect you. Dear lord if his baby mama showing up in the nick of time to prevent me from fucking him – yea that was actually a reallly good sign from the universe.

I guess I can thank some higher power. Now I just need to figure out my life I guess,

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Back to the gym

I hired a personal trainer 5 or 6 weeks ago?

I finally said – I need to make a change and someone is going to help me do it! I need to stop bringing up my ex, but I will. He ridiculed everything I did. I didn’t exercise hard enough – it was worthless. I didn’t eat healthy enough, it was worthless. I was worthless and over and over again until I believed it.

This time it would be someone to inspire me. To tell me I was awesome, I could do it and they believed in me. This time I would pay them to be there for me and I didn’t feel bad about it.

I did my first session and geared up to go again in a week. I showed up and she was with someone else. WTF I thought we had a plan. Nope, she scheduled with someone else and pretended that I was wrong. I gave her the benefit of the doubt and scheduled 2 days later. I hadn’t been to the gym since we met – I only needed to go twice. TWO TIMES and I didn’t do that.

I had all the excuses, I cleaned the house, I was tired, I made dinner, I raked leaves. So we did our first session, everything hurt and I was dying. Truth be told everything did hurt and I came down with a miserable cold.

Fast forward a week of bed and I canceled our next session. I was congested and in bed. Fast forward one more week and she was shocked to see me – 2 weeks and I still hadn’t been to the gym on my own. She made me sweat and burn and almost cry but I did 50 minutes of punishment.

Now its 4 days later and I finally made myself go to the GYM! I got home from work at 5 pm and told myself- let the dog out then out to the Gym! But my phone was dying, and my I watch was dying – how would I track my workout. I let them charge and took a few bites of raw pie crust from the package – its basically like raw cookie dough – bad for you and tempting. Don’t worry about it – maybe its just me. Anyway, I did this I did that and I stalled. 6:30 and I said GO TO THE FINGING GYM ALREADY. As I got in my car I thought about how I could not go. How I didn’t want to go . How I hated going.

My mind went dark and even walking up to the door I was upset to be there.

I got going on the workout she scheduled for me on our off time. 5 minutes to start – 5 minutes I told myself I wish I stayed at home. The rest of the machines were weight machines and not so bad – then to finish 20 minutes on the eplictical. 20 Freaking Minutes. I started and never knew how i would finish. I thought about quitting, just stepping down and going home. As I continued though I slowly thought how it wasn’t that bad. Why did my brain get so dark. Why did I think it would be so awful. In the end I felt good, I accomplished something. I thought about how I could continue and melt away the lbs. How I could wear clothes that I felt good in. How I might get a boyfriend by having the confidence in believing he thought I looked hot.

I thought about the guy I have a crush on, the guy that I might see on Friday for drinks. The guy I hoped could see past the 100 lbs of fat on my body and know I was a pretty rad person. I thought about how if I had just started this earlier this year, maybe I’d already be that hot babe that he wanted.

Yea yea yea I know don’t lose weight for a guy but you know what? It’s my motivation and I’ll take any I can get. Maybe I don’t get that guy – but if I get any guy that will be the guy for me. That will be the guy of my motivation.

I feel good. Now I need to clean this house. I’d really like to bring someone back with me for a cuddle on Friday. I’m thankful I should have my period and can’t have sex with anyone but I’d be down for a boy in my bed. It’s been too long.

I also ate a salad today, yesterday and I’m making one for tomorrow.

I need to prep some oatmeal for breakfast too. I’m really hoping these small steps can last. I’m not eating totally healthy but if I make my meals I can save money and calories by not eating out. I also am eating salads and I had a bottle of water. Baby steps to healthy. It’s the only way I do things.

Yet again, Good luck to me.

The flip flop

Last Sunday I came to the decision that, essentially, I had to work to be happy. Happiness isn’t something that just happens- – like the sun shines. It’s something that you have to work for – you have to make the decision to have a good day. As they say it takes more muscles to smile than it does to frown.

For me – I had all these things that I was procrastinating on. It was easier to be unhappy living in a filthy house, than it was to clean it. Though the few times I could have invited a guy back to my place it was too disgusting to do so. Granted – I don’t need a booty call in my life either.

Having a dirty house upset me, but I couldn’t break out of the cycle and force myself to clean it. Just like I cant force myself to go to the gym or eat healthy and log my calories.

Last week I went to the gym and met with my trainer. I vowed to hit the gym twice more that week and well I didn’t but! I did however ask my Customer on Tuesday for his brother’s phone number. His brother had asked me casually out for a beer while we were talking about work and I was too self involved to realize what was happening.

I made my first move to flat out ask a guy out. This is how dating happens – well it could have happened sooner had I been happy enough with myself to realize when a guy asks a girl out.

I also cleaned my house all week in hopes for a possible visitor after I had texted him and asked him out for a beer. We made plans for Friday and I was jumping for joy all week – or at least two days. I went out with a co-worker on Wednesday and Thursday, just before I had plans with a friend to go to an art exhibit, I got a text. He had to cancel our date.

I realize that I had planned out my life with this guy – dates, vacations, marriage and children. I fantasized about him at night and when I woke up. I literally became insane with the thought of getting a beer with him.

Do I actually know if he likes me? Did he really just want to stop standing in the cold and find a way to change the subject? I really don’t know.

I was slightly discouraged but we called it a rain check and I was hopeful for the following week (this week).

At the art exhibit I ran into a very close friend from 9 years ago! Well it had been 9 years since we spoke last. It ended badly and in the end he apologized and I really enjoyed talking to hm for 45 minutes.

Friday night I was a little bummed that I didn’t have my date to go on but I cleaned a bit and the day went by quickly. Saturday morning i rushed around to finish cleaning for a potluck dinner and pumpkin carving with friends. At first I thought there would only be 4 of us but by the end of the night there were 8 of us plus two children! What a fun amazing happy time. We laughed like banshees and ended the night at midnight. The next morning I cleaned, raked the yard – finally taking care of compost heap in my driveway since July and was just proud of myself.

Here I was taking my life back. I didn’t hate cleaning or raking. I was feeling so proud and accomplished that I was happy. It didn’t feel like work. To be honest it felt better than sitting on my IPad playing stupid childish games.

Thursday before the art exhibit I even mowed the backyard and picked up dog poop that was long over due! I mean all the things I got done! I started making my bed and each morning fixed it so that it was made again! I completed one full week of walking my dog each morning around the block before showering. I believe it will get harder to continue once the snow flies but I haven’t broken a morning yet.

Saturday night at the party we discussed New Years and I imagined having a date. We talked about the bog walk this coming weekend and I thought – what if that was our first date – we talked about going out for drinks in our costumes on Saturday and I thought about him joining. I can’t really say what else I thought about but it was all grand and I realized in the moment how happy I was to have a plus one.

Today I realized – I don’t have a plus one. I don’t even have a true date planned. We have a rain check. The customer – his brother – made a joke of me being happy – he said You got Laid! I said no! But he was like AHHHH you did!

It’s a very high school work relationship we have. Basically we tease each other like high school kids who haven’t matured past 15.

Then I thought – I haven’t gotten laid, I haven’t even gotten a date or a beer. Here I am just happy to think about someone potentially being my date and its enough for people to think I got laid? Then I thought – what if he thinks its with his brother and its not. What if he tells his brother and he doesn’t even want to ask me out cuz he thinks I’m fucking someone else. What if????

Well… I never admitted to having sex with anyone – that was him. But gosh. Here I am planning my life again with no one. I don’t even know if he’s really interested – I really have no idea. Do I let him text me? Do I text him? CHILL OUT !

Maybe I should really just look at Tinder and attempt conversations with people again. I had one going but he worked over nights in a town 40 minutes away -kinda difficult to make a date.

Another guy was cool to talk to for a minute then he wanted my phone number immediately. It was just a little too forward? Like what about – do you have a job, are you a serial killer?

I’ve only told one friend about me asking him out for a beer. I also told her he canceled on me. Sigh. The cancel was legit – a family member was moving last weekend. I had overheard his brother tell someone else. Then I asked the brother what he was doing on the weekend. He confirmed.

So now I’m torn. Do I text him? Do I let him text me? Was I too sarcastic? I’m sure it will happen, right?

I even thought about how the guy who I know I shouldn’t be interested in, how it will show him because I’m dating someone else. Then I saw him this morning and he was cuter than ever – I don’t know what happened but his face was just so cute, Sigh.

My brain is flip flopping between being happy and being terrified I’m losing another make believe boyfriend.

Maybe I do need therapy. At least my house is clean, I made an effort to clean up and do dishes prior to going to bed. and my laundry is almost done. My bed was made when I got into it just now – and I wouldn’t be too embarrassed if someone came over inside my house. Now the porch – ekk – that’s something I should work on!

I have to be proud of myself for having a clean house. It’s been a long time. I still have the basement and 2nd floor before its officially clean but right now – It’s a huge step in the right direction of becoming a functional adult again. Soon I hope to make the gym a stable habit and lose this weight that’s been bringing me down.

I guess like I say – baby steps. But also, when your happy, others can tell and are attracted to your happiness. I just need to keep up the happiness. Let’s try. And lets hope I still get a date this week. I’m going to try to keep sane and not dominate the situation.

A light at the end of the tunnel?

It’s October. I’ve been waiting since May of last year. Just sitting here dreaming and waiting. Waiting for something magical to happen to me without trying. Just sitting here.

I lost 20 lbs at the beginning of the year. The confidence I gained was off the charts. I bought smaller clothes and was on top of the world. I was still Obese. I was still 80 lbs overweight but I felt like a million dollars.

Weird how that happens. How we tell ourselves we are disgusting but after the smallest change people notice, you notice and the world brightens just a touch.

Something happened between May and now. I gained 25 lbs back. My house is a red neck white trash pit of shit. The outside, the inside and even I’m disgusted with my lack of caring.

What did I do this summer? Laid on the couch and watched tv. Spent too much time on this IPad. Ordered everything from Amazon and went into credit card debt. Ate out at every opportunity and made excuses left and right to never go to the beach, never go hiking, never go camping, just nothing.

Why? Well because I was dreaming and waiting. Waiting for life to become perfect and wonderful and each day it didn’t , each day I realized it happened for someone else and not me – well, I just put myself deeper in the tunnel.

Somehow, the past two years I gained my confidence back intermittently. I became happy and comfortable. I got over the grief of loosing my best friend and adopted pet child. I got over the metal abuse of my ex, I got over so much and then somehow went into a dream world where everything would happen for me. Each time I realized it wasn’t I fell back into the pit. I went home from work to cry. I was deeply depressed and everything was too overwhelming to attempt.

I kept up with work, I made things work. I took out my outrage at my contractors. This week I had another eye opener though.

One of my dream boys was arrested. Again. This time he got out after paying a fine and I was texting him that night. Part of me realized – you cant wait for him, you cant fix him, he can’t be your project. I have to be my own project. The same day I went to talk to a laborer, his employee. As I went into verbal mouth diarrhea – swearing every other word about nothing to do with him – he stoped me and asked me if I wanted to get a beer.

I was completely flabbergasted! I was battling a head cold, I was physically exhausted and my head was foggy. Processing the information was difficult. Say YES! He’s being sarcastic, say something mean! You’re in the wrong, apologize!

I don’t know how long I paused, I don’t remember how I said what I said or.. well much at all. I remember saying – I get it – I can bitch for hours, I’ll stop.

He said, I don’t care, I’m getting paid standing here. I said, No no, I’ll leave. And then walked away.

I felt stupid going off and realized I need to control my emotions. Then his words dawned on me – wait a sec. He was being legit, he wanted to get a beer.

WHAT THE FUCK IS WRONG WITH ME?

Like how dense am I to not realize that was a legit ask out? I’m so wrapped up in my brain that I can’t even figure out he was being nice. I guess I’m used to people being mean, or my self confidence isn’t that high yet.

I think even my dream boy attempted to talk about a beer with me and I instantly shut him down. Sigh. I’m my own worst enemy.

Today is Saturday. I woke up at 8:30 – fairly decent and started cleaning. I’ve organized a few things in my bedroom. I through all my dirty clothes next to the washer. I’ve changed my sheets for the first time in… longer than I care to say. Made my bed and made lists of what I need to accomplish today. It’s already 11 am but hey – I can do this. I realize I put myself in a horrible mood knowing all the things that I need to do that I get overwhelmed and do nothing. Today that will change. One room at a time. I won’t start another room until I finish the one on my list.

Tomorrow I can work on the outside of the house and then I can work on that asshole of a dog I own. He continues to go through my trash, ruin my couch and furniture. He’s pooped upstairs most days and peed a few times as well. The house wreaks of feces.

I also need to organize the basement and try to get all my trash for the dump. If I can clean this house this weekend – maybe I can work on walking my dog, going to the gym, doing anything other than coming home because I need to clean, not going on dates because I can’t even think straight.

I like to dream, I’m just hoping I can turn it into reality this weekend.

Men and metal insanity

My co-worker is becoming my confidant, my joking buddy, my go-to.

I’ve had dinner with him more than I can count, we started drinking together and telling each other everything. He’s been to my house more than once. Today I called him just to vent. The other day he had me proof read an email to the high up management team. We trust each other and confide in each other. We laugh nonstop. He’s married with a kid.

What’s wrong with this picture?

I haven’t touched him, nor him me – but I believe he was setting it up. He mentions his wife but doesn’t talk about her – I have no idea what their home life is, but I question how he spends an hour with me on the phone during the work day each time I talk to him. Talking about personal stuff, work, family, bitching about our days etc.

I like him – but as a confidant. Would I date him? I’m attracted to him but I doubt I would ever date him. Isn’t that odd? Perhaps because I know he’s married?

Then there is Mr. Hotrod. The boy (contractor – VP of his own company) I’ve been obsessed with for a year and 1/2. The boy I couldn’t stop dreaming about, who has thrown me in the tizzies I’ve been in lately. But god damn it – wherever I see him I just go mushy gah gah.

For quite a while I rarely saw him or talked to him. It was ok – I was busy, things were crazy – I focused my attention on someone else. But then I don’t know what happened, we were back sitting in my office, knees almost touching, hands very close, leaning forward gazing into each other’s eyes and bursting out with laughter because that’s just what we do. We’ve never kissed, never touched. It’s all sexual tension. I can’t get over him. I’ve attempted it but he knows I’m totally hooked.

Last week something happened – I just have no idea what but each time he saw me he would grin from ear to ear – just like pure joy. It put a huge smile on my face and this fuzzy feeling in my chest. He has gotten this total dad stomach going on and I find it adorable still. I asked him to meet me for lunch with the Engineer. He agreed easily but when I mentioned I was buying he was completely shocked. I even told him I was charging it to the company and he asked if he could get a sandwich and a soup. It was so adorable and polite. I cut my sandwich with a knife and asked if he wanted the rest – he did and I also thought that was adorable. I stared into his eyes. They change color just like mine, more hazel than blue. That day they were the olive green of his shirt. We gazed talking about anything and everything, leaving the engineer bored. I teased him in front of everyone and later he mentioned his cut finger and if I would kiss it to make it better. I didn’t but I wanted to.

On Monday he went out of his way to help my Brother, who he had never met before. I’m sure he would be that nice to most people – but I kinda hoped that it was because it was my family. Later he called me at 7 pm – the first time he had called me so late – just to give me an update and tell me about his day. You see -this is all still about work – he’s still my contractor but it was cute. He congratulated me on my presentation and I attempted to praise him on his job as well. It just made me happy.

Last I heard, from him, he was engaged with his baby mama – yea and she had the kid a month ago. Is he with her, is the kid even around? WHAT is happening!

Today he seemed annoyed with me and didn’t answer my last call. I went off on his employees because of a safety violation. I told him I needed an update from him with no response. Finally at 9 pm he starts texting me how he is sorry. He explains what happened and why things went south. He apologizes again and makes a point to tell me I’m right. I’m in gah gah land all over again because he apologized.

How awful is that? He’s engaged – supposedly – he just had a baby a month ago with some girl. He is my contractor, he sexted me when he met me, he was in jail and rehab this time last year. I mean -what part of red flag do I need to fly in order to make myself believe that this guy is not right for me?

But talking to him and joking and laughing and smiling and just starring into his eyes. My god – I swear to god I have never ever ever been this smitten with someone before.

I hate men and I think they all cause us Mental Illness.

Family

You cant pick your family. You get one shot with one pack of people, Maybe they don’t stick around, maybe you don’t stick around. Just a strange pack of people you are forced to deal with.

This weekend my Brother and Sister-in-law were coming up. They’ve visited me twice. Twice in 13 years. Why now?

They wanted some construction pieces from our upgrades. OK. I set it all up with different contractors and what not. Should I really give this stuff to them for free? What the heck its Family! Most of it was going into the dumpster so its not actually stealing or against any policies. But you know I made a big point to get it all together and tell contractors to save stuff and so forth.

My sis-in-law doesn’t come up though, instead my other brother, whom I haven’t seen in over 10 years – he comes up. I just go with the flow like nothing is weird or different. But WTF where have you been and why do you avoid us? Oh right – cuz we all suck. Eh, I don’t blame him.

They came up for Saturday night and on Monday I was able to get him what he came for. Mind you I used my lunch break before 3 back to back meetings – one being a public recorded City meeting that my Team was presenting for – But I did all this to hear my Brother say, Yea we’re going to leave tomorrow – early.

OK WTF

I went out of my way to do all this shit for you. I bought and prepared and cleaned afterward a dinner on Saturday. I paid for an expensive Brunch on Sunday. I wasted my lunch break and on my most insane day – got you this stuff and then you say – cool I’m Good I’m Out!

Fuck

You know – its one thing to get shit on at work, its another to have your friends bitch you out – but its quite another thing to have your family use you.

No wonder I have poor taste in Boyfriends. I wonder where I got used to thinking what normal is.

Months

I know its been long. I don’t know how long because I’ve come to this site and written drafts. Sometimes I think I saved them, but after emotional ones – I know I’ve thrown them away.

I got pretty depressed. I dreamed up a life I didn’t have and then was crushed when my dreams didn’t come true. It’s a bit delusional but also part of my healing process. I’m closer to being ready to date again. I bought a box of new condemns in celebration.

I’m out of my funk of being cheated and mentally abused. I’m now in a funk of, well I guess just a general funk. I’m lazy, very unclean, my house is a disaster, my yard is even worse. I’ve lost 20 lbs and gained them back easily. Today I ordered food for 3 and ate it all – I’m also getting over a hangover.

Reading this you might say – well you may think Jesus! That girl needs help!

A little bit yes and a bit no. I’ll find my way – I always do. Honestly I’m in a much better place mentally than I was months ago. I’m back here to document and keep myself accountable.

I promised my cat I would find them a new dad this year – and damnit – I only have 3 months left.

Well back in March I started home repairs. I painted the living room, the entry way, the stairway and 2 hallways, and 2 walls of the kitchen. I ripped out the carpet in the living room and put down Vinyl plank flooring. I haven’t finished the trim but just last week I finally cut in the last row – that was the biggest pain of all but its done. Now just the trim to curse at.

I bought new furniture – only one piece in the living room is older. I did a back splash in the kitchen and for Black Friday plan on buying a new oven. Last Black Friday I got a wall mounted TV and new entertainment center. With the new flooring I bought new throw rugs. I’m so close to having an adult living room. I also bought a new table for my kitchen. Though my dog destroyed it with multiple scratches while he tried to attack the boy shoveling my back deck.

Now all I need to do is go through all my junk and downsize. Throw things out that are trash and keep things neat before I go to bed.

It shouldn’t be hard but its the way I can keep from bringing boys back home with me. It’s my fail safe – my house is trashed!

I brought a co-worker over after a night of heavy drinking and it never occurred to me that he wanted to have sex. Duh Sarah, why did we go back to your house when you were trying to take him back to his hotel room. He complimented me all night – telling me there were reasons people meet and he knew it the day he met me. He’s married with a 5 year old son. He’s been with his wife for 18 years. WTF. Like – WTF. Thankfully i got the hint and finally drove him back to the hotel. We haven’t talked about it and that’s fine.

This weekend was beer fest. Two days of being really drunk with friends. I met a guy – we were talking about Chicago and cities and food and beer. He was the brewmaster for a brewery about 8 hours away. He wanted to move to this area because he loves it. They were going around town and bar hoping, I should join. Someone in my group had his friend’s number. Cool.

I thought about it again, my house is trashed but then I thought – how much would I just love to make out with this guy? The group of friends I was with split up. My friend got a text from her friend with the guys number for me to call/text to hook up with them. She was too drunk to tell me.

This morning I was a little sad that I went home alone. I was telling my friend the history of the night when she was able to Facebook stalk the brewery, to find his photo. There it was bright as day – wedding ring. WTF. There was no sign of one last night. I instantly got mad. I’m just the plump girl who is good for a fuck I suppose? Granted I’m not making the best of choices but seriously – this is the third guy who came on to me and he’s married. I hate all men. Mostly.

Regardless I’m back. I’m here to find my success, hold on to some sanity and hopefully have some good news about weight loss, exercise and relationships!

Time will tell.

Insanity

In the last month I’ve had several people drop their jaw as I explained, “I’m older than most people think; I’m 38.”

I’ve always been told I look younger than I am but now the reactions seem mind blowing.

While I appreciate I still have a youthful appearance and I’d only hope to have just as youthful personality and energy, but what is it that makes people disbelieve so much? Is 38 a step in the grave, should I look more like the crypt keeper? Why is it so shocking for me to be 38. Certainly 37 didn’t seem to be a reason to exclaim, “You’ve aged well!”

Wtf, I’m aged now? Am I a cheese or wine?

The other day I heard, “you look incredible for your age”!

Do people typically look horrible when they turn 38? I mean, the compliments are nice, but the shock is disheartening. It’s only making me feel older.

My crush thought I was 26. Many others said they’d agree.

Things are weird currently. I can tell it’s hanging over me. I’ve spent over a $1,000 shopping in the last week.

I lost 20 lbs- I hit 229, then I binged on food and booze and hit 240 a week later. The body is a cruel bitch. Regardless I’m wearing my size 16 jeans. They are tight as hell but I can zip them and that’s all that matters. I started my diet again and suddenly I started shopping. Blowing $80 on makeup. I have endless make up. $150 or more on 4 pairs of shoes. Because better to buy 3 pairs of rain boots and return one rather than buy one at a time. Also a pair of wedges for vacation.

I bought $400 + on work outfits online, well tops and jeans. Who knows if they will fit. Then I went to the store and spent $200 on a vacuum and bras. I just ordered $200 of clothes from Target. I bought some shirts and a mug from the college I attended. I purchased new music and a ringtone for my phone. I went to TJMaxx and found $25 shampoo and petsmart for a $50 cat tree. What’s wrong with me?

I had a dream I was in an insane asylum. I attempted to explain that I was sane but they stuck me full of drug filled syringes. I felt my brain begin to melt. I was out of the asylum with my coworkers, as Dreams always seem to leave out important segways, and the town I live in had been bombed. Buildings were on fire, rubble littered the street and the police were announcing to evacuate downtown. I wanted to see my dog, see if he was ok but I couldn’t. Next I know we’re back at the asylum. I had to go back to the asylum to self commit. I was handed a paper and told my boss, you take this. He said no. You deal with it. I attempted to quickly explain I couldn’t have anything f with me when I committed. He said I needed to figure it out. – well if that isn’t life, eh?

Do I feel like I’m loosing it. That my hometown is now a war zone because of this job. Things are too close and just too far away from home. I’m loosing mind

Yea. That might be spot on.

I don’t know what’s happening. I’m ready to date and I’m not. I erased all my dating profiles. I had a drink with another work person, then stalked him online. After seeing that a certain girl “lived” at his address I quickly internet searched her. Seems perhaps that they dated a few years back. But I honestly can’t tell if they are currently dating. My mind went to rage as I remembered my crush was downstate with his baby mama/ fiancĂ© and I realized why I had a dream I was committed.

I need to find my chill.

A success

I don’t know how to explain it. I’m stressed by work, I’m ignoring my personal life, again, and I’m excited and happy and sad and… sigh.

I got my period early. I didn’t have my typical roller coaster of emotions, I just got it, 3-5 days earlier than expected. So be it. But I expected to have a wall of tears and sadness. I didn’t.

I did get drunk on Friday and spent my Saturday hungover and pathetic. I did, however, purchase new flooring for the living room. The thought of home renovations got me excited. What can I say, I love Construction, like love it. I love doing things myself and boasting , however insignificant, or even however half-ass, hey I did it.

I did not go to the gym but I got a walk with my dog in, that counts. Tomorrow is my first personal training day. I’ve been averaging 1500 calories, randomly throwing in drinks or take out but over all I’ve been ricking this diet business. Today I hopped on the scale and it read 229- 229 lbs!!!! That’s 20lbs, 20lbs since February!!!

The excitement and joy was excellent!

I said all I wanted to lose 20lbs but honestly I want to see 220. After that I want to see 200.

Im already wearing tighter shirts with a touch more skin. Today I curled the ends of my hair. No one commented but I felt good. I bought more clothes and I’m thinking of ordering them in a smaller size. I’ve been wearing XxL but slowly moving to XL. And if I could get down to a L will be my dream.

So it was a slow start, but it’s happening. 20 lbs!!! I want to scream from the roof top!

Barriers

I just had a dream. I was talking to my crush but we were in different rooms or almost like there was a partition between us. He calmly kept talking from his side and I awkwardly squirmed and shifted to attempt to see him while we talked. Same conversation as normal but there was a barrier.

Funny how your subconscious depicts life. It’s the perfect analogy. Nothing’s changed except I can’t have him.

My mother told me she had, essentially, psychic dreams. We had Gypsy blood in our family, she told me, and as a child she dreamt of snakes for a while, they would climb in through the floor and walls. My grandfather investigated the crawl space under the house one day to find a pit of snakes under my mothers room.

When I was in my 20s I often dreamt of dating my favorite rock star. I knew his real name was PC but wasn’t sure what it stood for. In many dreams his name was Paul and we met at a dinner while with two of my friends. I met my real boyfriend exactly that way months later. At a dinner with the same friends, his name was Paul and I was madly in love with him.

It didn’t work out however. I was still a virgin and thought about waiting until marriage. We once rented a hotel room but we hit a snag and it didn’t happen. Without realizing I insulted him, it ended up being a bad time and later he admitted to sleeping with his ex and cheating on me.

He was the first to cheat on me. Honestly, pretty much every long term relationship I’ve had since, I’ve been cheated on.

This crush, well, he’s off the market because he’ll now be a baby daddy. I had only wished he had told me he was in love. I wished he would have told me, I rekindled a old flame and the timing finally worked. No, I’m getting married cuz she’s pregnant.

Just fitting that I dreamt of a barrier. I really do still enjoy him as a friend but I don’t think the friendship can grow given the circumstances.