No sleep thoughts

Over the weekend I thought about my crush. Last I heard from him he thought about coming back this week. He had planned to see me again before he left on Friday.

He couldn’t come back to the office on Friday, and as of Monday there were no plans to come back this week.

While this shouldn’t be any sign of something wrong, I tend to assume the worst. In a study I read, women’s brains typically over analyzed situations and took the blame upon themselves regardless of the situation. I am a statistic in this exact case.

On Monday there were things happening that were not part of my project but affected my subcontractor. The customer explained the situation with more details than I truly needed to know. I called the sub, my crush, and gave him the same details. He got pretty upset, rightfully so as he was being blamed for something pretty awful. He texted me afterwards but that was our last interaction. All my brain can think is that he would interpret our last phone call as negative. Again, I’m sure this is not the case but I have concern. I’ve been preventing myself from calling or texting to ask how he is. The mothering suffocating handholding that can kill a relationship, which we don’t have.

My other concern is that I’ve withheld information from my boss about this sub being back. I asked the customer to tell him. I’m waiting on the backlash. None of the conversations my boss and I had yesterday were good. I got emotional, and cranky, on all of them which seemed to annoy him. I was out of town at my other project. I don’t know if the customer even had the conversation with him either but again my emotions are guilt, shame, concern, and fear.

I know I’m putting my emotions with the subcontractor before my job. I really have built my career and I’m potentially damaging it because I have a crush. On the other hand, I really like this guy and he’s shown interest in me- real interest others have seen. I’ve been single for 3 years with crushes on people showing no interest. When do I get to have a personal life? Am I willing to have my career in jeopardy over it though? Or will I have a career but no family?

Granted this is just a crush. It’s nothing more at this point. I’m slightly scared for tomorrow. It’s now 2:30 am and I’m wide awake. I’ve got 3 hours at best to still sleep. Wish me luck.

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The crush is back part 2

My last blog about a dream man was a Canadian co-worker from a conference. He was attractive, flirty, and yes he was sexy. But my original dream man/crush was a subcontractor we were looking to get pricing from. In the past year I’ve written about him multiple times.

If there was love at first site, I felt it with him, nicknamed the Electron. This instant crazy sexual awe, but not even lust… how to describe it… honestly a loss of words is pretty accurate.

I rounded the corner onto his office and took a step back. I almost would assume my jaw dropped if ever so slightly. There he was, he sounded cute on the phone but cute doesn’t describe it. Huge blue green eyes, perfect hair, long lean with a button down shirt with the first few buttons undone.

I swear he looked at me and took a double take but my friends tell me that’s in my brain. Apparently they don’t think a guy that’s hot would be into me. It’s because I’m overweight. I never said my friends were kind or supportive.

We sat across from each other at his desk, staring into each other’s eyes. Every so often we’d giggle and look to the ground. It was the feeling of your first crush/boyfriend in high school. That giddy, nothing else on the planet matters but us feeling. It’s exciting and more rare than your typical flirting. I know our convo strayed from topic several times. Where we’re from, where we live, our dogs, and I made a point to throw out that I was single. A month later we saw each other again, walking and talking on sites. I won’t recap the rest, it’s in several blogs but the latest is “The crush is back”.

He’s back, because he was in jail and rehab. Again, look back to older blogs.

I saw him the day of his sentencing. That afternoon he came to see me and I was overly giddy. This week we had a meeting. He flew in Wednesday night, we spent 4 hours together between meetings and site visits. Then I had to rush to another meeting.

Friday he came to the City building about an issue. He could have made a call to his customer but I like to think he came with the chance to see me in my temporary office in the same building. I saw him in the stairwell as I was coming in. I told him I was available for a call but he actually drove back to see me. We met for an hour before he had an appointment and then I was in meetings the rest of the day. He said he would’ve come back to meet again.

He bought a farm downstate. A small town of 300 people to live the “quiet life”. But he plans to buy an airplane. What?!?

When I asked, “you know how to fly a plane?” He replied, “I know how to do everything.” It was sexy and cocky and just enough douche bag/bad boy type of tease that made me want to rip off his clothes.

We met with the customer on Thursday. I noticed Electron kept looking at me, when I talked to him he was super focused and laughed extremely loud. He always laughed loud at my jokes and seemed intent on what I had to say. I just assumed it’s who he was. Somehow though, my shyness came out. I couldn’t look at him. I was nervous and awkward.

The customer, he’s a no nonsense ex car plant worker from Detroit. He says it like it is. But he came in the office and says, He’s got a thing for you. And I was like Naw, and he said, Is he single? I shrugged. And he said, I’m just saying, he likes you.

I guess it’s not just me who thinks so.

I brought up randomly that it’s a shame he lives downstate, “because I know you don’t have your text messages but I still have all of mine..” (to recap, he had sexted me multiple times, each time I declined but still expressed my interest. I finally told him to ask me out rather than booty call and he promised to prior to his disappearance) he cut me off to show me a picture of the plane. It was extremely pretty/sexy. Like, I don’t know what I expected. I’ve never thought of a plane as sexy, but somehow this was. I said, oh wow. He grinned and said, you like that? I swear to god we could have been in bed talking about parts of his anatomy the way the conversation played out. I’ve never had sexual tension like this before.

It’s magnetic, it’s like a force beyond us has us connected. I’m not talking spiritual, I’m talking like electronic or science, like our chemical makeup has the exact same number of protons and electrons and our atoms are pulling us to each other. That’s how it feels. I’ve Never felt this way with anyone. It’s not even love, it’s just attraction I guess.

It’s still so complicated. We’re still trying to do business with him. My boss still doesn’t know he’s even back. It’s all sorts of complicated. Never mind the fact he lives downstate. As in 8 hours away.

I can only hope I have an update on this. Sigh swoon sigh is all I can leave it at.

The sign

I’ve been 240 lbs for some time. I almost got to 222 two years ago but I’m back up. I’ve pushed 247 recently.

I think of myself as curvy and beautiful. But when I catch my reflection I assume it’s a bad angle, a poor mirror or anything to believe the rounded lumps of my cheeks, ass, hips, calves, etc.

We’re told we should be beautiful as we are, but I can’t shake the self loathing. I flirt and sashay my ass around like some suave French hooker, but I can’t lie- my self confidence ends with my clothes on. Harmless flirting with dreams of sex but I create diversions to keep myself out of reach. Or perhaps it’s just what I tell myself to keep believing that men want me.

With each shrunken article in my closet, with each piece of merchandise that I can’t squish into, with each ache I feel, I realize- I can’t live like this.

I’m not healthy. I’m obese and my body is screaming for help. My calf still aches from a pulled muscle. My big toe and fingers randomly go numb and I’m terrified of hearing I have diabetes like my father who is now in a wheelchair.

Today I walked the dog. Nothing crazy, just a mile walk. I’ve logged my calories for 3 days, below 1500 to just at 2000. I know in past days I’ve logged 3000 calories or more.

Later in the day I think about eating more and more until I realize I’m not hungry, just bored. I need to keep this up. Recognizing self pleasure should not be found by stuffing my face. It’s a hard concept. I’m trying to drink water. I know I’m constantly dehydrated.

The motivation needs to stick. Last time I dropped 15 lbs I was in a size smaller pant, feeling like a queen and so very proud. I can do this. I have everything I need. I just need to do- there is no try.

Also, let’s get motivated about money. I’ve got $3000 in credit card debt. $11,000 left on my car loan and a total of $26,000 in student loans. Two of which are under $1,000. I should be able to knock out the credit cards and half the car debt by the end of the year, don’t you think?

Less $50 meals cuz I’m too lazy to cook. Less Amazon shopping sprees of things I don’t need. Less food and shopping to bring self happiness and more gym and outdoors time for me!

I’ve got the motivation. Let’s do this.

Dream man

I’ve been meaning to write since last week. I was in Milwaukee for a week long meeting and it was fun and intense and stressful and upsetting. Oh did I mention painful, I hurt my leg.

It was nice seeing colleagues I hadn’t seen in years. It was great meeting people I had only talked to on the phone. It was fun to be in a click with the Michigan team, even though I’ve belonged to the Wisconsin team for the past 5 years. It was really nice to meet the Canadian team and be flirted with by one of them…

He was tall, long hair swept back, lean and well dressed with a touch of shabbiness to it. You knew he anguished over his style but it was disheveled just enough to look as if he didn’t try- he just looked that good when he awoke. He is from Montreal with a heavy French accent, and he sought me out.

I had stood to make a comment on women empowerment. I received heavy applause and I want to say mostly from the Canadians. One by one they made their way throughout the week to tell me they appreciated what I had to say. But one in general told me several times. He called me woman power. Then he started calling me Beauty, then Darling.

Swoon.

He wanted to go dancing on the last night, he took my hands and pulled me from my chair. I couldn’t if I wanted to though. I had pulled a muscle and I was limping badly. I knew it was for the best but I couldn’t help being sad. I’d love to be wasted and make out with him. He was so sexy and charming and… sigh.

I got back home late Thursday night. I was ready to add him on LinkedIn, ask him to visit me. I just had that intuition though. That doubt and second guessing. I FB stalked him only to find he was married with a small child.

I was crushed and hurt and angry. During our meetings I had scanned the room to find him meeting my gaze. I noticed how, like most of us, sat with our teams, and his team sat across the ballroom from my group; but he always came to my side of the room during breaks, which I would exchange a smile or start a conversation while walking around. I had fantasized about this man during speakers. He had given me pet names, begged me to go out with him, taken my hands and pulled me to him. Had we gotten anywhere alone he could have enchanted my pants to come off without a second thought, all the while, unknown to me, his wife and child waited for him at home.

My friends all say, you didn’t have sex with him so what’s the big deal. They are married; I guess this behavior is normal to their relationship? Granted, he truly did nothing “wrong”, but I certainly wouldn’t appreciate that behavior from someone I was married to. And where the fuck was his ring?

Since then I found myself daydreaming about electron. I realize I’m living in a fantasy and really need to wake up.

He’s back

Yesterday was the day. He had his sentencing and then he was supposed to meet with me about the project in the afternoon.

I got so nervous I was shaking but luckily he was delayed and by the time he showed up I just acted like nothing. He made quite a few cocky remarks; for instance, “I was pissed off when I found out what happened” and his reply? “Yea I was too” with a shit eating grin on his face.

He made comments about bidding a job through jail bars and bidding on a house for $20,000 but he lost the bid. He did say however he got the bid for the job.

I told him there was no more fun. He promised that he would do a good job, he’s a hard worker and a good worker and I would see.

I gazed into his eyes for probably longer than I should have but he held my gaze as well. He looked a little rough around the edges but still handsome as can be.

Today I took the chance and asked him if he wanted to come with me walking through the campground. It was more date-y than not but it was still work related. He asked for a 30 minute warning and when I gave it to him he turned me down. Claiming he was too crabby.

He did say Sorry however.

Just being around him gets me fucking giddy. It makes me want to be a better person and I instantly feel pretty again.

I could be reading into it, I could be only hearing and seeing what I want to see. But I just can’t believe I’m making this all up either.

I want to marry him still. I’ve never been this stupidly attracted to anyone.

I know I can’t put all my eggs in a basket. Especially this one. But god damnit there is something just magnetic about him.

The crush is back

Photo: my cat snoozing on me.

So, last April I met a subcontractor. We asked him to bid a job and asked his opinion on different projects.

In May we walked sites, talking, laughing, enjoying each other’s company. After what was a huge misunderstanding, I believe he thought I was being ridiculously bold by flirting with him. And while, I was flirting, I just wasn’t being as wildly bold. It was actually just a misunderstanding.

I got a text the next morning- a sext I should say, which is when I was shocked by his boldness. It took me a long time to connect the dots.

I turned him down, only because of the job. The flirting continued. The sexual tension grew. But nothing happened.

Then he went to Milwaukee, and slowly our texts and calls faded into oblivion. His family started taking over for him and it was just said that he was busy.

Soon enough it was in the newspapers. He was arrested for cocain. The more it was discussed, the more it became a horrible story. It wasn’t random. It was explained that he had an addiction for some time.

He went to jail then rehab. His mother gave me more insight. She dropped hints of how he was doing now and again. But soon I felt wrong to ask and there was no more talk.

Suddenly last Tuesday I got an email from his email address. It’s a family business, they all could log into his account. I assumed it was his brother, and called him to leave a voicemail.

When I didn’t hear a response, I emailed back and copied everyone. He kept emailing but I asked him to call me back without a call.

He said to call him at a different number. Insisting I call rather than he. I knew it had to be him.

Finally today I waited until everyone left the office and called him. I had the biggest dumb grin and I was talking in circles. I don’t know what he thought. He will call me tomorrow. He’s still not back in town. His sentencing is Friday- though he thinks it will be ok. It’s still nerve wrecking.

I want to scream from the rooftops that I’ve talked to him. I want to tell my friends but tell them what? It’s nothing. I talked to a criminal that could do prison time and here I am ready to do cartwheels.

I’m not even sure that my boss will let him be back on the project. I’m making a point of it to meet him when my boss won’t around.

I just need to talk about it. He’s the first guy who made me feel smart and beautiful. My ex had beaten down my sense of self. He made me feel ugly, stupid and worthless. It’s so much more than a cute boy who texted me inappropriate things as business associates.

But is it more? Stayed tuned for part 2.

A two for one

I started typing this yesterday but never finished, so today I’ll continue with today’s post.

Yesterday:

It’s a blizzard here, for a period with slim visibility. My house has a draft. My car wiper blades won’t thaw, and work is, as always, busy.

I can’t wake up, no, I won’t get out of bed when I should. I haven’t been able to get through my work emails. I’m attempting to get through December, never mind that it’s already January.

Today I had a salad for lunch and that made me proud. Tonight I ate a steak for dinner. No veggie or starch or fruit, just a steak.I have a poor diet.

Work was good. I have a mini crush on the customer. We seem to enjoy each other’s company. I really enjoy when he makes a point to come in my office and just shoot the shit. We have fun bantering and making lewd comments about both our co-workers. Of course he’s married with children but it’s still fun and harmless to talk.

Today:

The blizzard continues. I fired up the snowblower for the second day. I drove through white out conditions and thanked goodness I didn’t have to drive hours for work.

Tuesday I received an email from the electrician’s email address. Not completely weird considering the entire family had access. They never sign anything so I thought, it’s probably the other son emailing me. I called back asking him to call me. No response. So I sent an email and copied everyone, I got another response and considering the content, I’m almost wondering, is it my electrician? Again there was no signature but there was a different phone number, a 312 area code which I know well, Chicago.

Could it be my electrician, is he back?

Will it be the same? Will I get my dinner? Had he met someone? Was he not interested in me like that?

I just don’t know. I didn’t call back until I was in my car but it was also 5 pm. The voice mail box wasn’t set up. I guess we will see on Monday?

Other than that I made a great smoothie, just fruit and spinach and a cup of yogurt. I may have gotten a sub from Jimmy John’s but I didn’t get chips or pop. Tonight I made another salad, probably too much baked crispy chicken strips but a salad none the less. I’m proud of how much I’m eating at home. I’m hoping the scale will begin to show the results as well.

A day on the road

Last night I couldn’t sleep. I was hungry and anxious. Thinking of returning to work, but traveling suddenly became scary. I thought of car accidents, bad weather, work I hadn’t completed. I tossed and turned, still slightly nauseous and burning then freezing.

I left just after 7 am. I was hungry, and McDonald’s is on the way out of town. I had two cans of sparkling water and a large coffee. I stopped for gas and got a vitamin water, my mouth was still dry. I devoured a sub sandwich after the 4 hour car ride. After an hour and 1/2 meeting/walk through, I was back in the car dying for some more liquid. Somehow I thought Arbys would be good and after a roast beef sandwich, mozzarella sticks and a huge iced tea, I almost felt normal.

Four hours later I was back home. I got soup for dinner, clear brothy noodle soup. I’ve drank another sparkling water, I’ve got some hot tea and I’m about to have another sparkling water in hopes I’ve rehydrated myself after new year’s.

I had ordered a gratitude journal, to list three things you are grateful for each day and summing up each week. A way for me to acknowledge the good of each day instead of the bad. I also ordered a journal that asks questions as a refuge from stress and negativity. Instead of just reading and mindful thoughts, I have to list my own mindfulness.the journals were delivered today.

It’s part of my new year, along with a dream journal.

And here I am explaining my day. Unsure how eventful or exciting it is for anyone else but something for me to unwind, destress, and try to come back into the moment instead of zoning out in front of the tv and allowing days to pass me by.

Though I haven’t eaten well today, I ate out every meal, I did take some time to tidy up slightly. I’ve always believed in baby steps and self awareness as an important step.

This weekend I’ll have 10 guests in my tiny home for a late Christmas/board game night. I’m making a turkey. I need to finish cleaning before then but also commit to yoga on Thursday. Let’s do this.

Resolutions

Time for resolutions and new beginnings. I don’t know if you’re supposed to share your resolutions. I often think that if I say something it won’t come true.I’m going to list it out here regardless.

I didn’t clean my house for the new year.I still have boxes and old newspapers scattered in my living room. Boxes of items to go to the basement or upstairs, but they haven’t been taken there.

I attempted to organize my office and spare bedroom. I meant to organize the closet but a dormant bee was taking a nap in the frozen room so I ran screaming, vowing to call an exterminator. I know I’ve got bees in the attic and before the thaw would be the best time to remove them.

I’ve got clean dishes in the dishwasher, unfolded clothes in the dryer and hampers. I’ve got a strain on the upstairs carpet I planned to clean.I’ve also got a membership for unlimited yoga and haven’t gone once since I paid for it during thanksgiving.

So, a new year, a new beginning.

Stop procrastinating. Stop spending all my time on a screen playing useless games or watching tv. Get out more, accomplish more. Keep a clean house by tidying up the house for 15 minutes before bed. Read the newspaper the day it comes. Pay off my credit cards, starting with making an instant payment when ever I use them along with a monthly payment to pay them down. Go to yoga, make a minimum step goal and reach it. Play with my dog more. Eat more whole foods and less meat. Lose 40 lbs, half of what it would take to get to a “healthy weight”. Go on dates, stop being afraid of dating. Stop day dreaming about marrying every man you meet and being disappointed when it doesn’t happen. Work less, travel more. Make meals at home and eat less take out. Drink less coffee and more water. Make new friends. Worry less…

That’s a good start, hey? Today doesn’t count. It’s new years day. I was hungover and napped the alcohol out of my system. I watched The Grand Budapest Hotel today. It took me 3 attempts before I finished it. It’s a great movie, I was just too hungover to keep starring at the screen before becoming nauseated. 

I attempted a frozen pizza, eating nothing but a bit of crust, pulling off the cheese and toppings and hoping I wouldn’t puke it up. I took a shower thinking I would grab some McDs but the thought of going outside was all too much. Instead I made myself a salad and I was pretty impressed with myself. So making meals at home, eating more whole foods and less meat- day one, woot. I’ll attempt to be more proactive tomorrow… uh oh. That’s already a procrastination. 

Endings and Beginings

Here it is, December 27. I am a horrible blogger. To be fair I would like to blog before bed, but my laptop isn’t the best bedside companion.

I came home from my parents house for Thanksgiving and went a little crazy. I bought a new table for the kitchen, a kitchen nook that I wanted since I moved in. The kitchen is strangely laid out. Not a huge kitchen but not small, just, perhaps the space isn’t used well. While an entire kitchen makeover sounds wonderful – yea, thats not going to happen.

My ex was always opposed to anything I liked or wanted. It wasn’t good enough, it was a waste of money, it was…. lets be fair… not what he wanted or his idea; therefore, no good.

I got my kitchen nook the day before my new Washer and Dryer were delivered. Yes, Black Friday got me with a new washer and dryer set. They are wonderful and I love them. I also haven’t received the bill yet and that will be a doozy.

So the kitchen nook went in and 4 days later my dog had jumped all over it- leaving many scratches and gouges in the perfectly new table and bench set. It’s because this boy, yes a 30 year old man child, decided to be ridiculously kind by shoveling my driveway and deck. Sometimes while I was even at home. Now – yes that was very nice of him. But lets be honest. Its a little creepy when you get a picture of your house texted to you because he wanted to tell you he shoveled around your house. Daily.

I told him not to – you see I am not interested in him whatsoever, and I just know this is a – look what a man I am or something – type of thing. It’s very nice but I’m still not interested in this guy.

When I put it together – the destroyed new table set with the text message – I shoveled your driveway yadda yadda – I about lost my shit. My dog was simply protecting his house – trying to get at the strange person too close to the house. He had no idea that the person was shoveling, and the person shoveling probably thought the dog freaking out at him inside the house was funny. Neither of them realizing the damage that they were doing to my BRAND NEW TABLE!

But – I can buy cushions and use a tablecloth right? Damn it though.

So, since I had bought the house I also wanted a mantle and a fireplace. Obviously I’m not getting a wood burning fireplace and chimney installed in my house but I thought of one of those electric fireplaces would be lovely. Some additional heat in the living room, counter space. Its just my idea of cozy. I discovered that there were “Entertainment centers” with the electric fireplace and I almost lost my crap. I researched for weeks. I decided to change the wall my tv was on, essentially rearranging the whole room – but in order to do that I needed a certain size entertainment center to fit a very specific dimension for the walking space in my room. But also – I’d require the TV to be mounted to the wall. Now for the sake of it – lets not think of money – cuz yea, this is all being financed – Happy New Year – Future me can figure out how to pay for it. Don’t you worry.

I found the entertainment center, I got a new TV on a door buster sale, I got it mounted and now the room is almost set. I have my fireplace, my kitchen nook and my new laundry. Whoo.

Though I should have been off of work, leftover vacation I didn’t use, for 2 weeks by now, today I even sat on my work computer from 9a-2p – completing some training that was due before Jan 1st and sending emails.

I need to finish cleaning. I want a clean house for the New Year and I only have a few more days to do it. Tomorrow is no excuses Thursday – except for Yoga, I’m already a month into a 5 month package and I haven’t gone once.

I also installed a backsplash in the kitchen I’ve been dying for. I only need to seal the grout and I should be done.

So – I’m procrastinating organizing/cleaning by doing something else I never do – blog.

To be fair, I’ve been eating many meals at home – and taking a minute to put my dirty dishes in the dishwasher, throw away the trash before I go to bed. Now I need to finish this organizing and make it more of a habit to continue this grown up tidy normal human behavior unlike the filthy disorderly bum I’ve been. Seriously it is fantastic waking up to a space I can walk through. A kitchen counter that isn’t full of shit.

And who knows, maybe if I find the respect for myself, respect for my house – I can find the respect I need to allow someone else into my home- into my life.

As always, time will tell.