May complaints

Featured photo: Spring blooms in my yard

Yesterday was May 1st. I thought it would be a great day to implement new goals for the month. But I’ve broken them before I even wrote them down. 

Spending. I need to save money. While I’m slowly paying off my debt I know I could do it faster. I’ve got my credit cards that I keep racking up, my mortgage- he’s not going anywhere, student loans- which are moving slower than a snail, but they can’t repossess my education… so they wait, and my car loan – which I still have 4 years on. 

On top of that I’ve got this diet business. It’s still been snowing- just flurries but cold and wet enough I don’t care to go outside, and I still haven’t been to the gym. I told myself to limit my spending on eating out and junk food. Save money and calories! But May 1st, I blow $25 on lunch takeout. Eating essentially two meals and then going out for a working dinner eating hamburgers and fries. Today is May 2nd. I went to the bagel shop for a pricy cold press coffee, bagel sandwich and threw in a scone. Now for lunch I’m making myself a pizza. At least it’s not take out, right?

Continued on May 3rd. 

Jez, I didn’t even post my complaining yesterday. 

I continued to lay on the couch yesterday until I ate a full box of frozen creamy coconut fruit bars. So much for not eating key lime pie. I just ate my weight in fat and sugar while being a slug. 

Today is sunny and 60, it’ll dive back into the 40s tomorrow but I need to get my ass outside. But first- work. 

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Sweets

Featured photo: my salad from an event yesterday. 

I’ve always had a sweet tooth. All my life I’ve loved candy, cake, anything really. 

Today is no different. 

Last night I was invited to a formal dinner. It started with shots in a hotel room, beer and booze, then came the formal dinner but before the dancing began, the group was back in the hotel room taking shots. Somehow we made it to a couple bars before shutting the night down. 

Needless to say today was not easy. I had breakfast at noon with friends and somehow the headache came after that. I got jimmy johns with a coke for dinner delivered. 

A few days ago I saw a tv show where the character couldn’t stop searching for the perfect key lime pie. They ate bite after bite of key lime pie just to dump it because it wasn’t good enough. Watching that was torture. I went out to find something similar at the local bakery but only found a custard filled doughnut. It wasn’t even that good. 

I know I binged on  beer and lunch and dinner in the past two days. I’m also down a few pounds for the first time in a while. I’ve been attempting more exercise, trying to think about what I eat and drinking far more water than ever before. 

So, with that in mind, I’m dying for key lime pie. I’ve thought about the freezer section of the grocery store. I’ve thought how easy it would be to hop in my car and get some. To finally answer that nagging call for sweet tangy creamy dessert.

But instead I think of my diet, and my goal, and how I’d feel better without my massive thighs and big tummy. So I just agonize over how much I want pie but continually deny myself. Part of me is proud and part of me is highly annoyed. 

I hope that if I continue to deny myself the sweets that I’ll eventually lose my cravings. Let’s just hope it doesn’t lead to binging on a whole pie one day.   

Who do you love

Featured photo: my homemade latte type beverage. 

In the words of John Mayer, “Who do you love? Me or the thought of me.”

I’ve thought about that. Guys I have crushes on or even what guys might think of me. I may come off as a tough, gruff, I’ll fix it myself, independent lady. And maybe I am. Maybe everyone is emotional and has weak points. Maybe everyone has an exoskeleton but something much softer and weak underneath. 

I like to give off the appearance I’ve got the world at my finger tips and that I choose my destiny but part of me knows it’s just dumb luck. I sit in the couch more than I do the awesome things I’d rather be known for. Am I sham? Meh, maybe slightly. 

But take this homemade latte I made. It’s not really a latte. It’s coffee with heated/whipped 2% milk in it. But it’s got foam like a latte. It’s more than just coffee but honestly it’s just coffee. 

What do I love? The actual thing or the thought of it? 

Deep John Mayer… deep. 

The easy life

Featured photo: spring bulbs in bloom

I realized how easy it is to be unhappy, to be messy, to be overweight or unhealthy. 

I realized the relief when the cute guy who I was flirting with left two weeks ago. I know how I’ve acted insane in order for past boyfriends to break up with me. I realized I ran away when the guy I was in love with told me I could move in with him, because running away was easier than attempting commitment. That was 12 years ago. 

I’ve got the tools, time and money to eat healthy, workout and lose the weight. But year after year I’ve lied to myself. I walk around with a scowl on my face because it takes work to smile. 

I promise myself weekends or days to clean my house and somehow find it more a mess than it was before. 

I’ve chosen the easy life. Even my last relationship. I should have ended it before it began. I knew there were issues 5 years before it finally exploded… but the thought of being with a college sweetheart. Getting a career, marriage, house and babies, even a dog right after college- that’s the dream. It was easy. But it wasn’t. It was work to pretend I had the easy path. It was all a lie I told myself. 

I realize I need to work. Work on my life. It’s easy to be single. Not to worry about another person. No wondering what they are thinking or feeling. No keeping the house clean for a potential date or looking good for anyone. 

Not that I’ve started. I’ve taken steps here or there but this week alone I must have eaten 2 lbs of salted peanuts. Excitingly though I got a nalgene and I’ve been pounding water. That’s a plus. 

So here’s to a new thought. Stop being lazy or basking in my laziness. Start working at my life, at my health and relationships. Being easy isn’t the happy choice. You don’t feel fulfilled when something is easy. You feel a rush and get excited after something was difficult. 

Here’s for my next step. Quitting the easy life. 

Week in review 

Featured photo: my cat sitting on my lap last night

Jesus it’s Friday! This week has been super busy and super exhausting. Or I’ve just been exhausted or sick. Whatever it sucked. 

Last week Tuesday I drove 230 miles for a work meeting and after that another 100 something to see John Mayer in concert in Chicago. Wednesday I sat at a friends house all day with nothing but pop and greasy take out. That night we drove another 100 something miles back so I could have a meeting on Thursday. Insert greasy road food and back 100+ miles to a concert – Me First and the Gimmie Gimmes. From there back to the burbs. 

Friday we headed back into the city (60+ miles) to a friends house and a concert. See last post about my night in hell. 

Thankfully that night my friends didn’t die and I crashed in town with them. Wake up 5 hours later, Cubs game at Wrigley, lots of Chicago food staples (Italian beef and deep dish pizza) then downtown for one of my favorite local bands, Lucky Boys Confusion. 

The concert was exhausting waiting for them to headline. By 10 pm that night my feet were killing me and I had over 10,000 steps in; my normal day is 3,000-4,000. But the band came on and jumping was the only way to enjoy it! They were awesome and I was wide awake again!

Back 60+ miles to the burbs, we got home at 1:30 am and I woke at 7 to shower and get to my uncles house whom I rarely see. 4 hours of visiting later and nearly 400 miles I arrived home just before 10 pm on Sunday. 

Since then work work work. Meeting folks at 8 -am Monday was hard.  Walking the city with contractors and taking naps whenever possible. Finally and scarily it’s already Friday with a ton left to do before travel starts on Monday again. I’ve been ordering takeout for every meal this week. Too sleepy to bother shopping or eating healthy. I’ve gained 2 lbs since my last check in and I realize I’m out of breathe far too easily still.  

Today though I’m energetic. Maybe I finally caught up on sleep or maybe that bubble bath put me in my happy place last night. But hopefully I can be a weekend warrior. Get back in the game, go to the gym, eat better, save money and lose some weight. Wish me luck!

My own personal hell

Featured photo: a statue on the street

I love music. I love many kinds of music. I knew it wasn’t all music but I couldn’t pinpoint a type of music that would play in my own personal hell. 

Well, after today I can answer that question. But, gosh, what even is the genre? Is it just a specific band, was it the genre, was it the venue? I don’t know but I can tell you this much. I will never try to repeat this night again. 

I like symphony orchestras. I like ska bands. These both have horns, but this was different. This was painful. This was a jam band of horns and horrendous high pitched wailes of battle cries that could have defeated their enemies with a single speaker on the battle ground. 

This was full of people twirling and shaking, possibly having medical episodes due to the volumn of the racket being produced. I told my friends I had to escape. I believed my brain was about to explode and my ears were on the verge of bleeding. Perhaps the darkness had already subbcomed them, perhaps it was too late. 

I walked the 12 blocks to my favorite Mexican restaurant and here I will dine alone. Mourning my friends , being thankful I escaped with some hearing left and having to now exist with a glimpse of my afterlife in hell. 

Sigh, smile, repeat

Featured photo: John Mayer in concert last night. 

I grew up listening to the Bealtles and Led Zepplin. My dad thought Elvis was too risqué but classic rock and oldies from the 50s-60s were his go to. I got into Metal around 1989ish and loved hair metal, glam metal, regular metal but not death metal- if I couldn’t sing along I didn’t enjoy it. I was obsessed with Richard Marx when I was 12 and still did when I started jamming to the grunge scene a year later. 

Grunge turned into the blanket alternative then ska then punk. Throughout I loved all the music of my past but just kept adding genres to it. I went a slight route down old school twangy country even. 

When I got my first job, my first dive into a career after college, I thought I had to grow up. Let my punk rock attitude stay as a past life. I took out the Lebret/lip ring, bought boring new clothes, wore clothes to cover up my tattoos and went back to my contemporary/oldies genre of music. 

I didn’t know what I was doing. It was a moment you see in movies and read in books. It was time to grow up and be an adult. I was 30. Time for mortgages, 401k, marriage and babies. My boyfriend at the time was on that path- though he had always been on that path. He didn’t necessarily like my punk rock days of yore, so I went with it and “grew up”. 

If it sounds like a shitty relationship from the get go, well, I applaud you for being wiser than I was back then. Five years later I was fat, lazy, depressed and ashamed. Ashamed I let myself give up the things I knew made me happy for things that I only thought should bring me happiness. 

Last year I went to Riot Fest in Chicago. 3 days of mostly punk bands and it was one of the happiest times I can remember in the past decade. Since then I started listening to punk again, picking up the pieces of a past life I threw away 6 years prior. 

I also got into John Mayer. I always thought I hated his music until I discovered he’s not just a love song croner. He’s actually a break up song, lonesome drifter with a lot of baggage (and aren’t we all?), a ridiculous amount of talent in writing, playing, singing, comedy and being weird as fuck and living his truth. And in the scheme of things, who gives a shit about who he’s dated. It’s all anyone can focus on, but hell if I want to be judged solely on whom I’ve dated. Seriously, just start googling him. His albums Born and Raised and Paradise Valley are nothing like the one hit you prolly remember. His new album is fun to dance to while still telling the tale of a shitty breakup and just being sad for love lost, but also there’s hope. There’s living life while still having emotions. There’s remembering about tomorrow and what you can make of it. It’s not doom and gloom. It’s a touch of gloom but far more inspiration. 

His music pulled me out of a serious depression and reminded me to find the things that bring me happiness instead of trying to find this mythical happiness in someone else’s dream. His snapchat showed me not to take yourself serious. Be fun and goofy and weird as fuck and be with the people who appreciate you rather than trying to live up to someone else’s standards. I tried to be what I thought my job and boyfriend wanted me to be. I tried to make this American Dream standard happen. But fuck standards. Be you! That’s the success, just being happy being whomever you are!

John Mayer is seriously responsible for me getting over and moving on from the death of what I thought I needed to be, and my rebirth into who I always was. And it’s a seriously great thing!

Now, I can’t promise you’ll have an epiphany like me, you might not dig his humor or tunes. But I got to see him in concert last night and I’m still giddy as hell. It was a fantastic show, a hell of a performance and it only left me wanting more and more. 

Luckily I’ve got 2 more concerts this week, Me First and the Gimmie Gimmies- a punk super group of sorts that only does covers and Lucky Boys Confusion- a Chicago band I’ve been in love with for nearly 20 years. 

Music is my life. I’m happy I can see that clearly now. Sigh, smile and repeat. 😊

Excitement 

Featured photo: the start of my landscaping work. 

Yesterday was a sunny 60+ degree day. I woke up late. I even had alarms set to begin my day but I couldn’t pull the motivation together. 

Finally I got to the store, stacked 297.5 lbs of pavers in my car along with 200lbs of sand, 300 lbs of topsoil and a baby chainsaw. I got home and started working, for 2 hours before showering, caking on some makeup and changing my outfit to a final; jeans, Misfits concert tee and pink converse with a maroon hoodie. Haha 37 be damned, I’ll dress like a teenager for life. 

My friends and I walked down to the brewery close by. It was a festival announcing spring with music and food-truck delights. After 2 hours I turned to my friend and said, it’s time you find me a man. As I said it I locked eyes with a cute boy. He turned around, realizing he actually knew my friend! They were old coworkers. Quick small talk and he quickly had his arm around my shoulders. It was a whirlwind conversation and I was completely smitten. He defended anything I said, talked up about any of my interests, and put his arm around me several times. 

He left to go to the bathroom and my friends said they were ready to leave. I said have fun, I’m staying! I found him again and for the next 3 hours we sat and talked and talked and talked. 

We have much more in common than I could imagine. We laughed, we drank, we flirted. He flat out told me he liked me and his confidence put mine to shame. We went back outside to the tent with the music, he ran into co-workers, they stepped away and I didn’t follow- he didn’t say he’d be right back or to come with, I was just … left. 

I was more than drunk, I was wasted by this point. Thinking I wanted to take him home but knowing full well my house was a maze of disorder. I’d be embarrassed to have friends over let alone a love interest! Plus, when you’re that drunk you can’t make good decisions. 

Being slightly sad, why did he seem so into me and then poof! Disapear? But also relieved. Relieved I could leave and no awkward goodbye no nothing. Cut all ties and not worry about what could be or should be. 

It was exciting and terrifying. He was 10 years my junior, he’ll be 28 in August. But oh so adorable. He thought I was his age or younger and that only made it that much more exciting. We did become Facebook friends, and my friends think I should write him my phone number, but I also think he could do the same. 

My thought is to give it a week and see if he reaches out to me. I mean with his confidence, if he was interested, wouldn’t you have thought to ask me for my number? Wouldn’t he have messaged me on FB and wondered where I went?

Regardless it should be good motivation to clean this place up!

Diets make me cranky

Featured photo: the waves on the lake

Tomorrow is a big day. I mentioned to my friends that I’m going to get nearly 100 pavers to edge my flower beds. That’s a lot of work I just talked myself into. Digging and hauling around 100 pavers. 

Well. Good luck to me actually doing it all. 

No Quitting is what I should be saying to myself but I lack the motivation to give myself a pep talk right now. 

I blame the lack of desserts and my dieting mindset currently. 

Push

Featured photo: my now organized pantry

I didn’t take many photos today but I wanted to share something. I organized my pantry. Bought the little shelves and suddenly everything has a place rather than a mountain of stuff. It still might look like a mountain of stuff but I assure you, I’m now no longer fearful of attempting to find anything in there. 

Other than that, I figured out the amount needed of pavers to make/edge some flower beds. I realized it was past 10 pm but decided I should walk my dog. Get in some exercise and give the dog what he wants too. 

The night sky was amazing and I only wish I could capture it exactly the way I see it. The clouds were mostly non existent and even without a full moon the stars are ridiculously bright. The sky was a mix of black and dark green. 

I didn’t go our usual way, I wanted a shorter walk. After a few blocks I thought about turning around. It was cold, 29, and I only had on a spring jacket. Thankfully I had grabbed a hat and gloves tho. 

I forced myself to complete the walk and I’m super happy I did. Two goals and two successes. I also came home and pigged out on mandarins, fresh ones so no guilt!

They were super delicious.