A diet for 38

Featured Photo: sunset in the rear view mirror

I haven’t been dieting or exercising and shocker… I haven’t been losing weight.

I hate myself in photos. I get anxiety thinking about dating. I’m terrified of becoming diabetic or having a heart attack and lets be real, what is the solution to most of these issues? Lose weight.

I’m 5’9″ and curvey af. But that doesn’t change the fact that I’m almost 250 lbs.

I thought I was fat in high school at 160. I thought I was fat in college at 200. Now I just need to realize I’m god damn obese and need to knock this shit out.

I’ve joined the gym and not gone, I’ve joined weight watchers, lost almost 20 lbs then quit. I started Slim Fast, almost lost 15 then quit. I’ve joined yoga and not gone. I’ve made every excuse and failed to accept reality. Im lazy and without motivation.

So I’ve turned to Nutrisystem. I paid $300 for a month of pre-made meals. I can’t get take-out cuz Ill have a meal at home. I can’t say I’m too tired to cook or without time, they are already made. I can’t whine about not eating lunch since I can bring it with me. How can I fuck this up?

Well. My birthday is this weekend.

But beyond that. I better fucking eat this food for the next damn month and save some money on not eating out.

I just need to buy some veggies. Do-able right?

The portions are TINY. I just spent the weekend with friends and I ate each day til my belly hurt then still said yes to any food put in front of me.

I’m coming off of a food binge so I’m curious how my body will react to the snack size portions.

The year of 37 is almost coming to a close. Less than a week. I decided to keep this blog going, just mention that it’s a year extended.

Let’s see how cranky I can get with this new diet. 🙃

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Friends sex and relationships

I hate talking about sex with my friends. I’m a private person and I enjoy my privacy. I also believe in sex with relationships. I’ve had a few one night stands and I haven’t enjoyed them. I’d rather make love than get fucked.

My friends instead talk about men based on the size of their dicks rather than the size of their brain or heart. In the construction world I fight to be judged on the size of my brain rather than the size of my tits. Perhaps this is what they don’t understand.

This weekend my friend had to mention several times about the size of her husbands penis. In front of him, in a restaurant with another friend at the table. Then he asked me if I wanted to know more about it. This wasn’t part of the conversation or like they are swingers or a joke. It was, my husbands dick is huge. Everyone needs to know.

WTF.

Then, while I’d appreciate a girls weekend, my friend took over my tinder to find me a man. Mind you I’m visiting 6 hours away from where I live.

She was upset I was honest and told him I was only in town for the weekend. She wanted us to hang out with him last night. Am I wrong for being mad? I wanted to see my friends, not go on a date with a dude. Especially not a group date of my friends with him. How awkward.

The one piece I realize I’ve been holding back from my friends. I’m terrified of being abused again. I’m terrified of dating. I’m slightly scared of sex. My ex hurt me mentally. He didn’t beat me or molest me but he made me feel dirty, wrong and bad about sex. He made me feel stupid and useless as a person. It’s taken me longer to admit that and you can’t quite solve a problem you don’t know existed. Harder to explain to your friends why you don’t want to date yet still feel lonely. Even more so you don’t care to talk about sex or enjoy it casually after all that.

I realized it this morning. While asleep on the couch. I realized why I’m obsessed with electron. He told me he thought I was smart and beautiful. Something I craved to hear from my ex but never got. I feel safe with him but only because he was able to crack my shell with the words I’ve longed for, for years. I don’t know him, he just got out of jail and rehab and yet he’s the person I’d hand my life to and ask him to save me, while I build a bunker between my friends who don’t seem to understand me anymore.

I think I may need to go back to a therapist. But at least I’m getting down to the root of the problem.

The Doc and the shop

I always feel like a hypochondriac when I go to the doc. I usually go at best twice a year to the doctor, so when I do I want to issue every concern I have- I mean I don’t want to come back.

I’m the same way about my car. I used to travel every week making car maintenance very tough. Hard enough to find the time for multiple quotes let alone to drop it off and pray I get a loaner. Now I schedule 1 day and ask for the world.

Am I getting ripped off? Calling wolf? Maybe. Do I feel like no one is taking me seriously, yea. But at least I can’t say, fuck I wish I would have had that checked earlier…

I got a girly exam, tho insurance companies now say you only need to do it once every 3 years, the fact that I’ve already had to have pre-cancerous cells removed from my girl bits tells me- fuck you insurance, I want a doc to stick their finger up there and tell me it’s all ok regardless. So, first thing this morning, do you know you had one last year? Yes bitch! You think I can’t remember a year ago? F off!

Next, I want blood work. Check things! Ok. I don’t know for what but I get blood drawn. And do I want a flu shot? Of course I do! Also, let me tell you about the Charlie Horse I had last month… is my muscle torn, so you think it was a clot…. am I dead?

Ok I didn’t ask if I was dead. But… I understand how the doc is prolly like, this bish is cray.. but are you sure you did a throughout breast exam? These Breast cancers can escalate quickly and I’m not planning on coming back anytime soon!

I dropped my car off at the dealership for a break job. I never asked to look, they just replaced pads and routers. Then again it was 86,700 miles on one set of pads. Pretty damn good!

I also got a wheel alignment, balance and rotation, new battery… you know just do it all. Then my headlights were dim and I got nervous my bulbs were dying. Nope, just the “running lights”. Ok.

$1000 later my car should be good for another couple Thousand miles. I’m leaving for Madison tomorrow but instead of cleaning or packing… I took a 2 hour bath.

Worth it.

Now I must sleep… sigh.

Another Tuesday

Somehow it’s February. My resolutions are all but shattered remnants of hopes and dreams. My crush is back and that’s given me a hope and good thoughts of a clean slate with just enough lack in faith to fall into old ruts.

The house is dirty, my car is a mess, I haven’t worked out and I ate guacamole and bacon for dinner tonight. I signed up for Nutrisystem. They send me food and I don’t bother with shopping or cooking. Let’s recap, I made guacamole and microwaved bacon for dinner. I haven’t gotten any do I don’t know if it’s good yet.

The crush is in town tomorrow night. He’ll be around Thursday. Told me today he’d be in town for a week, but I’m leaving. Fate- you evil bitch.

Granted who’s to say we would even see each other potentially this weekend but you can’t see each other if you aren’t in the same town. Insert frowny face.

It’s all I’ve got right now. But at least I can look forward to a weekend with friends. That will be exciting.

No sleep thoughts

Over the weekend I thought about my crush. Last I heard from him he thought about coming back this week. He had planned to see me again before he left on Friday.

He couldn’t come back to the office on Friday, and as of Monday there were no plans to come back this week.

While this shouldn’t be any sign of something wrong, I tend to assume the worst. In a study I read, women’s brains typically over analyzed situations and took the blame upon themselves regardless of the situation. I am a statistic in this exact case.

On Monday there were things happening that were not part of my project but affected my subcontractor. The customer explained the situation with more details than I truly needed to know. I called the sub, my crush, and gave him the same details. He got pretty upset, rightfully so as he was being blamed for something pretty awful. He texted me afterwards but that was our last interaction. All my brain can think is that he would interpret our last phone call as negative. Again, I’m sure this is not the case but I have concern. I’ve been preventing myself from calling or texting to ask how he is. The mothering suffocating handholding that can kill a relationship, which we don’t have.

My other concern is that I’ve withheld information from my boss about this sub being back. I asked the customer to tell him. I’m waiting on the backlash. None of the conversations my boss and I had yesterday were good. I got emotional, and cranky, on all of them which seemed to annoy him. I was out of town at my other project. I don’t know if the customer even had the conversation with him either but again my emotions are guilt, shame, concern, and fear.

I know I’m putting my emotions with the subcontractor before my job. I really have built my career and I’m potentially damaging it because I have a crush. On the other hand, I really like this guy and he’s shown interest in me- real interest others have seen. I’ve been single for 3 years with crushes on people showing no interest. When do I get to have a personal life? Am I willing to have my career in jeopardy over it though? Or will I have a career but no family?

Granted this is just a crush. It’s nothing more at this point. I’m slightly scared for tomorrow. It’s now 2:30 am and I’m wide awake. I’ve got 3 hours at best to still sleep. Wish me luck.

The crush is back part 2

My last blog about a dream man was a Canadian co-worker from a conference. He was attractive, flirty, and yes he was sexy. But my original dream man/crush was a subcontractor we were looking to get pricing from. In the past year I’ve written about him multiple times.

If there was love at first site, I felt it with him, nicknamed the Electron. This instant crazy sexual awe, but not even lust… how to describe it… honestly a loss of words is pretty accurate.

I rounded the corner onto his office and took a step back. I almost would assume my jaw dropped if ever so slightly. There he was, he sounded cute on the phone but cute doesn’t describe it. Huge blue green eyes, perfect hair, long lean with a button down shirt with the first few buttons undone.

I swear he looked at me and took a double take but my friends tell me that’s in my brain. Apparently they don’t think a guy that’s hot would be into me. It’s because I’m overweight. I never said my friends were kind or supportive.

We sat across from each other at his desk, staring into each other’s eyes. Every so often we’d giggle and look to the ground. It was the feeling of your first crush/boyfriend in high school. That giddy, nothing else on the planet matters but us feeling. It’s exciting and more rare than your typical flirting. I know our convo strayed from topic several times. Where we’re from, where we live, our dogs, and I made a point to throw out that I was single. A month later we saw each other again, walking and talking on sites. I won’t recap the rest, it’s in several blogs but the latest is “The crush is back”.

He’s back, because he was in jail and rehab. Again, look back to older blogs.

I saw him the day of his sentencing. That afternoon he came to see me and I was overly giddy. This week we had a meeting. He flew in Wednesday night, we spent 4 hours together between meetings and site visits. Then I had to rush to another meeting.

Friday he came to the City building about an issue. He could have made a call to his customer but I like to think he came with the chance to see me in my temporary office in the same building. I saw him in the stairwell as I was coming in. I told him I was available for a call but he actually drove back to see me. We met for an hour before he had an appointment and then I was in meetings the rest of the day. He said he would’ve come back to meet again.

He bought a farm downstate. A small town of 300 people to live the “quiet life”. But he plans to buy an airplane. What?!?

When I asked, “you know how to fly a plane?” He replied, “I know how to do everything.” It was sexy and cocky and just enough douche bag/bad boy type of tease that made me want to rip off his clothes.

We met with the customer on Thursday. I noticed Electron kept looking at me, when I talked to him he was super focused and laughed extremely loud. He always laughed loud at my jokes and seemed intent on what I had to say. I just assumed it’s who he was. Somehow though, my shyness came out. I couldn’t look at him. I was nervous and awkward.

The customer, he’s a no nonsense ex car plant worker from Detroit. He says it like it is. But he came in the office and says, He’s got a thing for you. And I was like Naw, and he said, Is he single? I shrugged. And he said, I’m just saying, he likes you.

I guess it’s not just me who thinks so.

I brought up randomly that it’s a shame he lives downstate, “because I know you don’t have your text messages but I still have all of mine..” (to recap, he had sexted me multiple times, each time I declined but still expressed my interest. I finally told him to ask me out rather than booty call and he promised to prior to his disappearance) he cut me off to show me a picture of the plane. It was extremely pretty/sexy. Like, I don’t know what I expected. I’ve never thought of a plane as sexy, but somehow this was. I said, oh wow. He grinned and said, you like that? I swear to god we could have been in bed talking about parts of his anatomy the way the conversation played out. I’ve never had sexual tension like this before.

It’s magnetic, it’s like a force beyond us has us connected. I’m not talking spiritual, I’m talking like electronic or science, like our chemical makeup has the exact same number of protons and electrons and our atoms are pulling us to each other. That’s how it feels. I’ve Never felt this way with anyone. It’s not even love, it’s just attraction I guess.

It’s still so complicated. We’re still trying to do business with him. My boss still doesn’t know he’s even back. It’s all sorts of complicated. Never mind the fact he lives downstate. As in 8 hours away.

I can only hope I have an update on this. Sigh swoon sigh is all I can leave it at.

The sign

I’ve been 240 lbs for some time. I almost got to 222 two years ago but I’m back up. I’ve pushed 247 recently.

I think of myself as curvy and beautiful. But when I catch my reflection I assume it’s a bad angle, a poor mirror or anything to believe the rounded lumps of my cheeks, ass, hips, calves, etc.

We’re told we should be beautiful as we are, but I can’t shake the self loathing. I flirt and sashay my ass around like some suave French hooker, but I can’t lie- my self confidence ends with my clothes on. Harmless flirting with dreams of sex but I create diversions to keep myself out of reach. Or perhaps it’s just what I tell myself to keep believing that men want me.

With each shrunken article in my closet, with each piece of merchandise that I can’t squish into, with each ache I feel, I realize- I can’t live like this.

I’m not healthy. I’m obese and my body is screaming for help. My calf still aches from a pulled muscle. My big toe and fingers randomly go numb and I’m terrified of hearing I have diabetes like my father who is now in a wheelchair.

Today I walked the dog. Nothing crazy, just a mile walk. I’ve logged my calories for 3 days, below 1500 to just at 2000. I know in past days I’ve logged 3000 calories or more.

Later in the day I think about eating more and more until I realize I’m not hungry, just bored. I need to keep this up. Recognizing self pleasure should not be found by stuffing my face. It’s a hard concept. I’m trying to drink water. I know I’m constantly dehydrated.

The motivation needs to stick. Last time I dropped 15 lbs I was in a size smaller pant, feeling like a queen and so very proud. I can do this. I have everything I need. I just need to do- there is no try.

Also, let’s get motivated about money. I’ve got $3000 in credit card debt. $11,000 left on my car loan and a total of $26,000 in student loans. Two of which are under $1,000. I should be able to knock out the credit cards and half the car debt by the end of the year, don’t you think?

Less $50 meals cuz I’m too lazy to cook. Less Amazon shopping sprees of things I don’t need. Less food and shopping to bring self happiness and more gym and outdoors time for me!

I’ve got the motivation. Let’s do this.

Dream man

I’ve been meaning to write since last week. I was in Milwaukee for a week long meeting and it was fun and intense and stressful and upsetting. Oh did I mention painful, I hurt my leg.

It was nice seeing colleagues I hadn’t seen in years. It was great meeting people I had only talked to on the phone. It was fun to be in a click with the Michigan team, even though I’ve belonged to the Wisconsin team for the past 5 years. It was really nice to meet the Canadian team and be flirted with by one of them…

He was tall, long hair swept back, lean and well dressed with a touch of shabbiness to it. You knew he anguished over his style but it was disheveled just enough to look as if he didn’t try- he just looked that good when he awoke. He is from Montreal with a heavy French accent, and he sought me out.

I had stood to make a comment on women empowerment. I received heavy applause and I want to say mostly from the Canadians. One by one they made their way throughout the week to tell me they appreciated what I had to say. But one in general told me several times. He called me woman power. Then he started calling me Beauty, then Darling.

Swoon.

He wanted to go dancing on the last night, he took my hands and pulled me from my chair. I couldn’t if I wanted to though. I had pulled a muscle and I was limping badly. I knew it was for the best but I couldn’t help being sad. I’d love to be wasted and make out with him. He was so sexy and charming and… sigh.

I got back home late Thursday night. I was ready to add him on LinkedIn, ask him to visit me. I just had that intuition though. That doubt and second guessing. I FB stalked him only to find he was married with a small child.

I was crushed and hurt and angry. During our meetings I had scanned the room to find him meeting my gaze. I noticed how, like most of us, sat with our teams, and his team sat across the ballroom from my group; but he always came to my side of the room during breaks, which I would exchange a smile or start a conversation while walking around. I had fantasized about this man during speakers. He had given me pet names, begged me to go out with him, taken my hands and pulled me to him. Had we gotten anywhere alone he could have enchanted my pants to come off without a second thought, all the while, unknown to me, his wife and child waited for him at home.

My friends all say, you didn’t have sex with him so what’s the big deal. They are married; I guess this behavior is normal to their relationship? Granted, he truly did nothing “wrong”, but I certainly wouldn’t appreciate that behavior from someone I was married to. And where the fuck was his ring?

Since then I found myself daydreaming about electron. I realize I’m living in a fantasy and really need to wake up.

He’s back

Yesterday was the day. He had his sentencing and then he was supposed to meet with me about the project in the afternoon.

I got so nervous I was shaking but luckily he was delayed and by the time he showed up I just acted like nothing. He made quite a few cocky remarks; for instance, “I was pissed off when I found out what happened” and his reply? “Yea I was too” with a shit eating grin on his face.

He made comments about bidding a job through jail bars and bidding on a house for $20,000 but he lost the bid. He did say however he got the bid for the job.

I told him there was no more fun. He promised that he would do a good job, he’s a hard worker and a good worker and I would see.

I gazed into his eyes for probably longer than I should have but he held my gaze as well. He looked a little rough around the edges but still handsome as can be.

Today I took the chance and asked him if he wanted to come with me walking through the campground. It was more date-y than not but it was still work related. He asked for a 30 minute warning and when I gave it to him he turned me down. Claiming he was too crabby.

He did say Sorry however.

Just being around him gets me fucking giddy. It makes me want to be a better person and I instantly feel pretty again.

I could be reading into it, I could be only hearing and seeing what I want to see. But I just can’t believe I’m making this all up either.

I want to marry him still. I’ve never been this stupidly attracted to anyone.

I know I can’t put all my eggs in a basket. Especially this one. But god damnit there is something just magnetic about him.

The crush is back

Photo: my cat snoozing on me.

So, last April I met a subcontractor. We asked him to bid a job and asked his opinion on different projects.

In May we walked sites, talking, laughing, enjoying each other’s company. After what was a huge misunderstanding, I believe he thought I was being ridiculously bold by flirting with him. And while, I was flirting, I just wasn’t being as wildly bold. It was actually just a misunderstanding.

I got a text the next morning- a sext I should say, which is when I was shocked by his boldness. It took me a long time to connect the dots.

I turned him down, only because of the job. The flirting continued. The sexual tension grew. But nothing happened.

Then he went to Milwaukee, and slowly our texts and calls faded into oblivion. His family started taking over for him and it was just said that he was busy.

Soon enough it was in the newspapers. He was arrested for cocain. The more it was discussed, the more it became a horrible story. It wasn’t random. It was explained that he had an addiction for some time.

He went to jail then rehab. His mother gave me more insight. She dropped hints of how he was doing now and again. But soon I felt wrong to ask and there was no more talk.

Suddenly last Tuesday I got an email from his email address. It’s a family business, they all could log into his account. I assumed it was his brother, and called him to leave a voicemail.

When I didn’t hear a response, I emailed back and copied everyone. He kept emailing but I asked him to call me back without a call.

He said to call him at a different number. Insisting I call rather than he. I knew it had to be him.

Finally today I waited until everyone left the office and called him. I had the biggest dumb grin and I was talking in circles. I don’t know what he thought. He will call me tomorrow. He’s still not back in town. His sentencing is Friday- though he thinks it will be ok. It’s still nerve wrecking.

I want to scream from the rooftops that I’ve talked to him. I want to tell my friends but tell them what? It’s nothing. I talked to a criminal that could do prison time and here I am ready to do cartwheels.

I’m not even sure that my boss will let him be back on the project. I’m making a point of it to meet him when my boss won’t around.

I just need to talk about it. He’s the first guy who made me feel smart and beautiful. My ex had beaten down my sense of self. He made me feel ugly, stupid and worthless. It’s so much more than a cute boy who texted me inappropriate things as business associates.

But is it more? Stayed tuned for part 2.