Values in dating

I realize there are supposed to be things you look for in a partner.

Common interests, attractiveness, do they want children, etc. for some time I’ve been solely basing my judgement on attractiveness and if they like me, throwing out the rest.

This weekend opened my eyes to another layer, passion. Not passion for love, passion in a relationship or how passionate they are about me, but more so, passionate about life, their goals and work.

I’m very passionate about my job/career. I’ve struggled , cried, fought, and really gone through battle with my education and Career. I’ve lost a relationship over it, I’m sure I’ve taken years off my life, it’s been no easy feat. I’ve been degraded, I’ve been told to give up, that I would fail and it’s only made me want it more. It’s that sick relationship of time and effort and refusing to quit even if it’s not good for you.

My job has given me financial ease, it’s given me great praise and pride. It’s not all bad, and I refuse to have someone else come along and drag me down out of spite, jealousy, or lack of pride in their own career. That’s my issue. Finding a man in this small town area that not only likes his career but takes pride in it. Most people find a job that pays the bills and sticks with it. Mostly despising their choice but feeling that it pays too much to leave it. The few dates I’ve gone on, the men hated their career choice but felt stuck. My ex, put me down more than anyone else, telling me anyone could do my job, that I was worthless and might as well quit. He was obviously a horrible person, I know that, but I cannot have that happen to me again. I cannot be with someone that is upset about me being the breadwinner or making more or being successful or fighting for a career and succeeding at it. He was a teacher and instead of taking pride in a valuable yet underpaid career, he took it out on me and only saw the dollars I was making compared to him. In the end he also felt that since I made more I would pay for everything for him. No. I still want to be taken out to dinner. I refuse to not be given a Christmas or Birthday gift because I could just buy it myself. Yes yes I know- this guy was the worst of the worst- but after 5 years of thinking we were in love; I was the person saying, I’ve put this much time and effort in, maybe I can’t do better. I can’t let that happen again.

The guy from this weekend boasted about his job at a deli counter at a grocery store, and thats excellent that you take pride in that, but never bothered to ask what I do. In fact he cut me off to continue talking about his job to me.

I refuse to not be acknowledged by a possible suitor. My friends made fun of me that I was upset he never asked me about my career… maybe that’s normal, maybe that’s them being assholes, I don’t care this time.

My next boyfriend will acknowledge that I’ve worked hard to be successful. I want them to be proud of me just as I want to be of them. I want us to encourage each other to gain more success and truly understand each other when we have a bad day.

I need someone with the same motivation as me, the same passion and drive and empathy when shit goes bad.

That’s why I’m obsessed with electron. He’s attractive and lives to work rather than works to live. It’s not the best life. It’s not an easy life. And in the end, what do you have? A life spent slaving away for someone else. But some of us are just built that way.

I’ve found the value that was missing… now I just need to figure out how to find it.

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A drunken attempt

Featured photo: an outhouse from the Trenary Outhouse Classic.

The Outhouse Classic is a race in which people build an outhouse, mandatory to be on skis and have a toilet seat, and race it down the Main Street of a tiny town called Trenary.

Every year my friends and I travel to this tiny town to watch the race. A track is built of snow down the street and people line up, generally drink in hand to cheer the racers as they push their creations along the track.

This year I worried that I would get instantly drunk due to my diet. I haven’t been eating as much or drinking for that matter. It was a solid fear as I instantly became hammered and nothing else mattered.

My friend was talking to a guy who had Whiskey in a can. It was tasty and tasted like Brandy. Fast forward hours later and apparently I not only told the guy to come home with me, I told my friend, who was staying with me, I was going to have sex with him but she would have to go upstairs. This is not me. This guy wasn’t attractive, he wasn’t my type, he wasn’t outstandingly intelligent or anything that I’d be attracted to. I think he was just there.

My crush had texted me that morning, he had sent me an email saying he’d be up this weekend. I asked if we could meet on Monday. Then Saturday he told me a road was closed due to weather. He couldn’t travel up here. We texted a few times then I sent him a video saying it’s what he was missing by moving further away. I had him on the brain and wanted to take him home. So the next best thing was a guy paying attention to me right?

I was wrong. This guy was more and more of a dud as the day went on. He lives about 30 minutes away and canceled his ride to go with us. I didn’t realize he’d have no way back home. He then stayed with us. From 1p – 12:30p the next day when I told him he would have to get someone to pick him up.

It was awkward and weird. He never made a move either which I appreciated but also was like, what’s the point?

He told me over and over again about his job but never bothered to ask me about mine. He admitted to living with his parents, I own my own home. Im 38, he’s 28. I’m not trying to be a bitch by putting others down on their career choice or anything but I’d like to at least find someone that has the same drive and amount of passion as I do.

He slept on the couch and I was thankful I sobered up enough to know not to sleep with him. I still only want my crush but I at least attempted to expand my horizons.

Now I really need to know, is my crush an option or ami really throwing myself out there?

Diet day 10

I realize yesterday my title was Day 8. I had completed 8 days but today is actually day 10.

It’s 4:52 pm and I’m existing on 500 calories. I usually eat more for just breakfast. I’m not attempting to be this strict. I’ve just been so insanely busy that I haven’t eaten much. Feast or famine, I swear.

Work is extremely busy, stressful and busy. Im currently managing a 28 million dollar project and attempting to complete a 5 million State job, in another State. It’s the most work and different type of work I’ve ever done and sometimes I feel like I’m barely keeping my head above water. Eating is my release, my friend, my confidant. It tells no one if I eat two meals plus dessert. It can be with me at most times. It travels with me- that is I pick up fast food and eat it in the car.

Now I’m learning portion size. When I saw the snack size portions I thought, wtf is this? I’m slowly realizing this is normal. I would eat 2 huge chicken breasts and not think twice because I didn’t add anything to it. Now I eat a trail bar and 2 cups of veggies and realize it’s all I need. It’s kind of a bizarre concept compared to a 2 cheese burger meal with Extra large fries and still being hungry.

You really have to live it to experience it and the motivation to stick to it is really the biggest hurdle. Hearing someone say, I just was too busy to eat enough usually makes me want to punch people in the face. I’m sorry if it’s my imaginary face you want to punch while reading this. It’s only day 10. Check back and see if I’m still feeling it on day 30. They say habits form after 30 days. Time will tell.

Ps. My current weight loss goal is 28 lbs, after that 20 more and if possible another 20 and then another 20. My ideal weight (for me) is 160lbs. That would be a total of 88 lbs to loose. Currently I’d be pumped as shit to get to 200, but 180 would be even sweeter. In the past 7 years the best I’ve done is 26lbs before I faltered. I’ll do better this time. 🙂

Diet day 8

It’s a fucked up thing, standing on the scale. Last week I dined out 5 days. Logging my meals I’ve gone as low as 1200 calories and as high as 3500 calories. I’m very inactive and my weight fluctuates between 238-248.

I started at 248 lbs. Granted I’m sure I’ve been bloated as I’m horrible about hydration and I don’t eat many veggies or fruits typically. I’m also on girl times which can cause a weight fluctuation. Even so I’m down 6 lbs somehow. It’s a huge exciting thing to see! Until I’m over a month in and over 10lbs down I won’t celebrate too much. 6 lbs in 8 days! No wonder I’m so tired. My body had no idea how to deal with this new diet!

Understanding the diet

Featured photo: my non-refrigerated lunch

I stopped cooking after my ex left. Maybe before, I can’t remember. I became the take-out queen or I’d prepare quick heat up meals meant for 3-4 people. I might make a tasty pizza and eat the entire thing. I’d get take-out swearing I’d order 2 meals, thinking I’d eat one for another meal- no I ate both for one meal.

I knew portion control was my issue. I also knew the type of foods I was eating was an issue. It was rare if I ate veggies or fruit.

Somehow today I’ve gotten 2 fruits and 3 servings of veggies in today. It was actually a lot of food. I realize the portions I’ve been most upset with on this diet, it’s just the main player. I need to fill the rest of my plate with veggies!

I almost had too much food to eat today. If I can get a habit of eating smaller portions and more veggies, I have to lose weight, right?

I’ve been tracking my calories, I’ve gone from over 3,000 calories to just over 1,000 calories. 1,000 calories!

I really hope something happens. I’m excited to gain a habit regarding potion control. It should really help with saving money, less food to eat? Less eating out. Pretty excited to keep it going. Now will I join that gym again?

Birthdays and diets

Featured photo: the amount of granola I can eat for breakfast. And no, this isn’t an oversized bowl.

I’m officially 38, as of yesterday but whatevs. I wasn’t carded last night but I told the bartender it was my bday and he asked how old. I said 38 and he made me give him my ID to prove it. The look of shock on his face made me feel good enough.

On to the diet!

Yesterday I stayed home and tried to eat my Nutrisystem diet. The food has all been tasty, and mostly filling. But yesterday I started my period and let’s be real, I could eat for days. Also it was my birthday.

Technically the diet was supposed to start 7 days ago. But work and dining out and drinking… I’m not good at dieting obviously. I’d like to think I at least saved some calories with the pre-made breakfast rather than eating that meal out too!

Yesterday I saw it was the last day of a seafood sale and I bought myself a lobster tail and some shrimp. I also made some homemade hummus. I stuffed myself for dinner and had 3 sweet cocktails last night.

Today is my first day of official diet, the first time I’ll try one of the pre-made dinners. I bought a bunch of veggies as I’m required to eat 4 servings per day, which is typically 4 more than I eat a day. I thought to eat the least filling or foods I think I might not enjoy as much, to eat on the weekend. Today was granola and I was allowed 1/2 c of fat free milk. Instead I bought 2%. If you see the photo, I’m used to filling this bowl with cereal. This looks more like a dusting in the bowl. How will these portion sizes fill me up? It’s a total new way I need to think, eat to live not live to eat. That’s a tough one.

Part of me thinks I should follow the diet exactly and start dropping weight, stop making excuses. Part of me thinks baby steps because poor habits never die. Let’s see how today goes. I need to read more about the program. The first week is far more strict- which is more so going to happen this week instead. The program says you might not see the same weight loss results if you mix things up. My hope is for steady and slow. 1-2 lbs per week.

Here we go

38

Well guys, my year of 37 has officially ended. I had a goal to blog every day with a picture I took. I blogged 74 times and sometimes with a photo. I did not meet any one romantically. I barely met anyone at all. I started a new project in my city that is giving me the most stress ever. I’ve got a crush I can’t get out of my brain. I weigh more, my fine lines are showing but guys are still shocked when I tell them my real age… as in legit and almost disgusted shock lol.

I got to travel and see states/National Parks last year that I’ve been wanting to. That was the best part about being 37.

This year, the year of 38. My goal is to blog more. Complain less. Lose weight, exercise and get healthy! Find a relationship and be happier. Stress less. Live my life more rather than live for my job- currently I haven’t been able to do that. Keep a clean house. That’s going to be tough! Have a veggie garden this year. Grow a pumpkin for a jack o lantern.

I’m keeping this blog. It’s the year of 37 but ladies don’t like to tell their real age anyway right?

Here’s to a New Year, new resolutions, a new life path.

Hair: how I loathe thee

Featured photo: the second to last hair from my chin on a wax strip

Hair. Women should have big, sleek, shiny, healthy, permed, straightened, curled, tousled, up-do, down, full, dyed, natural hair on their heads.

I wash, condition, brush and air dry my hair, then I forget about it for the day. At times I notice I shed on myself and will pick my own hair off my sweater throughout the day. Sometimes I run my fingers through it but to be honest I don’t even know the last time it was cut. I recall my hair stylist was out of the salon for maternity leave, and I sat with someone else. I think that kid is one year old already.

On the other hand, women should pluck, trim, wax, thread, shave, laser or chemically remove hair from every other inch of their bodies except their head.

I myself am guilty of this unnatural course of modern day oppression and unattainable sense of beauty. The hair just keeps coming back and growing longer, darker and in more places other than my scalp as I age.

Have you ever looked at the underside of your chin? Besides the fat roll you may achieve when you look down? I mean the total underside of your chin?

I haven’t either but I’m making a point I’ll get back to.

One day, years ago, I caught my reflection in the daylight. I noticed the sun gleaming off of a very long hair that was attached to the underside of my chin. WTF! How is this possible? I asked my current boyfriend to pluck it but he refused. Granted this was years before, he is currently my ex, I wonder why?

Regardless the tweezers came out and see ya later sucker! No welcome mat for you here.

More kept popping up and it occurred to me I need to embrace either; you have old lady chin hair or pretend no one noticed, and love your life.

I tried to live but I just ended up stroking the hair on my chin. Fucking weird I know. I’ve used a small electric trimmer but they come back so quickly.

I started using small facial wax strips but considering I don’t know where these little bastard hairs are, it’s difficult to know where to put these wax strips. I got three long hairs after multiple attempts while ripping my flesh away.

Finally I took a bikini zone wax strip which is almost the size of my under-chin and ripped some fresh hot skin cells away yet again. With it the single bastard hair I had been waiting for.

The amount of joy and pride I felt was extremely ridiculous considering I was fighting nature. We fight wrinkles and sags and bags and grey hairs and fat cells and single hairs. All which are natural. All that we aren’t going to get rid of, your hair will grow out of the dye, the fat cell continues to be, though it may shrink or expand, the hair under my chin will continue to grow until I think about ripping it from its socket in a violet way again.

Why do we do this? Because humans are a silly vain species. I am very much a human.

Diet day 3

Wednesday: I haven’t dieted since lunch on Monday… but hey it was a great thought.

Monday I was so good. I brought my food to work with me. I ate it though I can’t say I enjoyed it. I had good intentions then co-workers happened.

It’s rare that I am around co-workers. I am a Manager of other companies, not my own employees. I manage projects, I manage other companies, I just don’t manage employees. So, I never see people from my company except if they are mechanics, but then we are still from a different branch of the company; while I am their superior, we aren’t exactly co-workers either? Its confusing.

This week two sales guys, my superior (but not my boss, again confusing!) and a field expert were in town. We went out Monday night and had a night on the booze. Diet day 1 fail.

Tuesday I was slightly hung over and got a sandwich for breakfast, then lunch with co-workers, then dinner with co-workers. Today was Valentines day and Fuck being alone! I got lunch with my intern, then talked the field expert and my lighting guy out to dinner. Happy V-day to me – paid for by work. Diet day 2 and 3 – BUST!

My stomach is very large right now. I feel more full than I should with all meals being eaten out and to my breaking point for about 2 weeks now.

I have my nutrisystem – I even ate something for breakfast today but I keep eating out – and not healthy mind you! Friday night is the dog sled races and Saturday is my bday. I’d like to do something fun! Currently being able to sleep in and clean my house sound like better ideas though.

Tomorrow I’m going to attempt the diet – but not the turbo week – I’m going to save that for my second week. This week is so jacked already and you’re not supposed to eat out at all the first week. I believe after the first week you can exchange a meal here or there.

Also I am kind of excited to not being eating out or buying food for a bit. I’d really like to pay down some credit cards that are racking up again. Amazon is at $1000, Best Buy is just under $2,000 and I just spent $1,000 on my car repairs on a credit card. Every month I over withdraw and my savings account is shrinking which makes me very nervous. If I can keep my savings without an overdraft and pay down the credit cards – it will help. But $4,000 is going to take some time. Also the student loans and mortgage. My plan was to snowball all my accounts and be paying double on my car payment to get rid of that but these damn credit cards keep piling up. It’s my own fault. I have 4 items in my Amazon shopping cart that I have refused to hit send. Just one hormonal click away of more things I can’t afford.

If I could only curb my spending and eating – but then what will I spend my time doing?!? (that is sarcasm as my job is stressing me to the maximum currently)

Lets see what happens. The sales people are gone, the lighting guy leaves tomorrow and my supervisor left today. No one but the water guy to go out with tomorrow and guess what – I’m not going out with him.

Let’s see how a full day of dieting works for me tomorrow. God save us all.

Diet. Day 1

Featured photo: my breakfast with a computer mouse for size.

Nutrisystem Turbo week. Day 1. For the next 7 days I’ll only be allowed 1000 calories per day. Basically starve yourself for 1 week and notice results! Shocking. Sigh.

I can eat some veggies. God save me.

So far I’m 30 minutes in with no complaints. Let’s see where it gets me. I still have black coffee and my water bottle so life isn’t all bad. To be fair the muffin was tasty, dense and again, no complaints. Meal 1- sufficient.

I packed a loaded baked potato bowl and turbo bar and shake. I’m keeping those to sustain me through the later hours. I assume I’ll be cranky as my body realizes I’m not just stressed, I’m abusing it on purpose.

Stay tuned. #stillhopefull. 😉