A case of the Mondays

Featured photo: my flat tire

This morning started as a typical day. I woke up late and refused to attempt to bust a move. I waited until the last minute and started on my makeup. I’ve been refusing to leave the house before caking my face. 

I realize that my work email on my phone isn’t working. I run upstairs to my work laptop to see if I’m missing anything but it needs to restart and now I’ll be officially late to meet a contractor. 

I attempt to find a phone number but nothing is listed. I run out the door, hop in the car and the low tire pressure lights up. I don’t have far to go but the tire seems to be making a funky noise. When I get to the meeting place the tire is flatter than flat. The contractor is no where to be seen. 

Thank goodness for a spare and AAA. 

Next I get a call from one of my BFFs. She’s getting married this September. What?! It’s supposed to be next year but she just wants to be married already. Gah! Thankfully it’s here in my town so I won’t have to travel. But what about bachelorette parties, bridal showers, bridesmaid dresses and all the other expense that comes with standing in a wedding. Gah! Wait. What about the weight loss? I’ve got 18 weeks to rock my socks and slim down. No I’m not the bride but F that. I’m better with deadlines than board dates. 

After that I get a call about my brother. My brother decided to quit talking to the family a while ago, as in years ago. He’s texted me randomly with promises to visit but they never come through. 

This call was regarding a complaint. A confidential envelope that he needs to know about. If I said I couldn’t contact him he would get in more trouble. What the hell?

I attempted to call and text but I doubt I’ll hear a reply. 

Now I’m sitting at the tire shop. They were able to repair the screw hole in my tire and now they are replacing the spare with the real tire again. 

I still can’t access my work email. I’m pretty behind on everything but at least I’m getting a replacent cell phone on Monday. The mute switch has been overriding the phone and I’ve had no sound for the past month. Good thing it never leaves my hand, or how would I know what’s happening?

Work and sex

Featured Image: part of the coast guard ship in the harbor

Just last night I was on here, about to put fingers to keyboard, digital letters to computer screen… but then I got a text.

I was about to talk about how proud I was that I had been walking my dog. Each day of the weekend, even though Saturday I had a mild hangover. Monday night and especially Tuesday night after a 13 hour work day which included 8 hours of exhausting driving. I was so excited I might be making a new healthier habit for myself. Even if it is just walking but I’m walking every day – 2 miles.

But that wasn’t very interesting once I saw my phone.

If you hadn’t seen my previous post, I’ll recap.

I work in construction. I am a female construction manager. We are currently developing a project in my hometown. It can be intimidating at times being the only female on a job project in a sea of men. I’ve seen them stare at my boobs instead of listen to me talk. I’ve heard them talk behind my back when I walk past. I am not so hot that I get every man’s attention, but, as they say, and to be very cliche, men will be men.

On the flip side, if you will, I am a female with a sea of men. Not many of them are attractive or my age, but every once in awhile some man comes along that is attractive, witty, fun, caring, and supportive. I may be flirtatious but I have NEVER done anything with a co-worker or subcontractor. I’ve been single for over 2 years now. I’m finally over my ex, and the abuse he put me through. I’ve finally gotten my self-esteem back. I’m wearing make-up and thinking about my outfits. Even though I’m almost 250 lbs, I’m 5’9″ and am lucky to carry it proportionately, though I’ve been told I have huge boobs and a huge ass.

I met with a potential subcontractor a few weeks ago. I was pretty proud of my make up and my outfit choice. The person I had spoken to on the phone sounded young and attractive but I am usually wrong. This time I wasn’t. As soon as I entered his office I felt like we both did a double take. He was my age, amazing blue eyes and very attractive. There was awkward chit chat and he made a big deal of clearing off his desk to discuss the plans. I asked him about his dog. I remember smiling and giggling.  After a few weeks he agreed to go on a walk through to tour the sites.

Everything was typical. I told him what I’d like him to price up. How I’d like him to install things and asked him for his expertise and thoughts on the best way. The last site was a campground and there was a dog. I remember talking to the dog more than him, thinking the poor old dog was abandoned since there were no owners in site. At one point the old fella took off running after moving very slowly and I realized he was chasing a squirrel. While my potential subcontractor was discussing his thoughts for the project I just pointed at the dog and said, “HA Squirrel!” like some strange dog cartoon from a pixar movie. He looked at me and laughed, somehow we finished the conversation we needed to have.

I forced a handshake and to say Thank you. I remember leaving his office, weeks before, by just turning around and walking out. I’m bad about goodbyes when I’m nervous. He asked me if I was done with him and I said, Yes. I knew he thought his prices would be far too high for what we were attempting to do, but he didn’t know the extent behind what we were doing. The dog hopped in his truck with him, which is when I realized the dog I had been telling to find its owner, well, his owner was with us all along.

15 hours later at 6:30am I received a text. “Wanna get naked” followed by “Nothing wrong with two nerds making each other shake”.

Slightly hung over I looked at it, smiled at the thought, because it was from this subcontractor I had just walked with. The one that I made sure my make-up was perfect and tried on a few different shirts before settling on one that showed more skin that I would typically wear around contractors. And I set the phone back down waiting for the text stating that it was the wrong number. Instant apologizes and excuses. I thought about the girl he meant to text. Not a girlfriend, this was someone new, someone he hadn’t slept with before. Maybe a girl he had gone on a date with before? Someone who had gotten to 2nd base but not all the way? Lucky girl regardless… but at 6:30 in the morning? Who made crack of dawn booty calls?

I waited… but no return text.

I looked over that message a 1000 times and shared it with friends who thought maybe I was the person it was intended for. The thought was exciting and brilliant. I couldn’t get the thought out of my head of having sex with him. The thought of us dating and getting married and it all stemming from a steamy text. I know I’m getting ahead of myself but as I mentioned – I’ve been single for over 2 years. I’ve gone on a few pointless dates – one that brought me a second date but it still wasn’t a great date.

I decided to text back something flirty – something to show I’m interested but also something that lets me off the hook if it wasn’t intended for me. I thought I’d text it back first thing Monday morning – maybe he would think it was my work phone and I didn’t check it over the weekend. But after I sent it… nothing. No text back, no acknowledgement. I started to think I shouldn’t have been so flirty in my text, that somehow it could be held against me.

During my work day I was in several meetings in which they talked about how I would be walking him through for different quotes for work. His business is a little more specific. I thought, how will I get through this if he never responds to me again? Did I upset him somehow? I had no idea.

Then, Tuesday night – almost 40 hours after I texted him, I get a response. He thanked me for giving him an easy out but then bared his soul saying he was drunk and lonely. He was a sucker for sparkling eyes, a great smile and humble intelligence. He thanked me for not making him feel like an idiot.

I immediately texted back that he wasn’t an idiot – more so that we had to continue working together. It was more business than I wanted to text him – especially after the compliments. A cute, smart, successful guy was not only complimenting me but he wanted to have sex with me. Me, a 250 lb train wreck of a person… well the 250 lb part he could see but perhaps I hide the fact I’m a train wreck…

He told me work would be fine and then I said that the text had me smiling all weekend. I hoped it was enough to let him know I was interested but work was complicated. I spoke with him today and we both rushed the conversation, stepping on each others words. I’m attempting to set up another walk through, a way I’d be able to see him again.

It’s ridiculous that I think about feminism all the time. I think about how men treat me on the job site and some of the rude things I’ve heard them say. I think about these things and how I was essentially sexted by a potential subcontractor and I’m over the moon about it.

My friends are telling me to go for him and not accept his bid. They understand that I can’t have an intimate relationship with someone I’m attempting to bid on my project. They are excited for me to have someone that is attracted to me and nice, and I’m equally if not more attracted to him.

How do you deal with it all? Here I am trying not to combine sex and work but its really hard. And who is this guy that is so bold to ask if I want to get naked with him but so vulnerable to admit he was drunk and lonely. All I want to do is have sex with him and cuddle and make us both feel better about life. Now I need to figure out my next steps. It was far more easy when I could tell myself that text wasn’t for me. But now that I know it was for me… now that’s the hard part.

Work phones and sexting

Featured photo: a text I woke up to

Yesterday was the 5th of May. Every year I pull out the quesadilla maker I got for free from my Best friend’s-ex boyfriend’s-roommate who moved out and left it behind. Yup. Free quesadilla maker. 

I had quite a spread of veggies, beans, peppers and tons of cheese. Friends brought ice cream, salsa, chips, re fried beans. My vegan friend brought his fake cheese. 

We ate, we drank, I swore a lot when talking about our one mutual friend who has chosen to ignore us all, and it was fun.  This morning I got a text message. It was more spicy than the jalapeños I had chopped up from last night. 

This text was from a cute boy, he’s got an old dog that’s adorable, he brings him to work with him. We walked through the camp ground, which isn’t opened yet, talking and walking with his dog. 

But. 

This cute guy is a potential sub contractor. That walk… that was for work and the talking was about quotes for work I’d like him to do for a project, and not a personal contract. He texted at 7 am on a Saturday. I guarantee this text wasn’t for me. 

I’ve gotten texts that weren’t meant for me before. My only phone is a work phone that I can use for personal because I pay a small monthly fee for it. It is dangerous having it on me at all times, butt dialing my boss while drinking, worrying I shared my personal social media with business contacts, etc. Also, I work in Construction. I’m a female manager working, usually, with all men. Balancing what is legally sexual harassment and just un-PC jokes is a daily part of my job. But I handle it all with a touch of, ‘this is construction’ and ‘am I actually offended?’

I’ve gotten a text saying, “I love you” or “I’ll see you soon” but never something so sexual. Every time I’ve replied, ‘haha this isn’t for me’ but this was still different. Most times the text came from someone I knew was married, that I had been working with for a while and we had a working relationship that we could laugh it off. This one is from someone I’ve met twice, googled and realized is single and a similar age. I think he’s really cute. So part of me wouldn’t mind if it was actually meant for me but…

It wasn’t sent drunkenly, it was sent at 7am. There was no sort of context to make it make sense. Being that he’s cute and I’d wish it was meant for me… I still haven’t responded. I didn’t say , hey this wasn’t meant for me. I thought he’d speak up but nothing. 

I think I have to respond, maybe on Monday? Maybe just ignore it? I just don’t know what to do. 

I feel like I’m making it more awkward for myself. I’m not offended by it, honestly it makes me more attracted to him. But how do you separate work and personal? How do you coexist when one wrong documented text can be held against you and your career? I haven’t figured that out. 

May 4

Featured photo: the lone flower I didn’t transplant to the new flower bed last fall. 

I’m stressed. Work is piling up and for some reason I’m exhausted. Beyond that I realized I promised a good friend I’d come back to Chicago to see a concert in a month. 2 weeks later I’m supposed to be at my parents for their 50th wedding anniversary and 1 week after that I start my 2 week vacation. I also just got tickets to see John Mayer again in September, back in Chicago. 

Besides all the travel and eating out, I pay for a dog/house sitter. It adds up fast. 

Yesterday I went on a hike with good friends. It was incredibly short but my dog came with and he got to run leash free. He loved it. Then we went out to eat. My day was done and I was so tired I immediately went to bed. Sleep was solid and blissful. Unfortunately tho, my house isn’t clean and people are coming over at 6 pm tomorrow. I’ve got walk throughs and paper work. House cleaning and cooking all before 6 pm. 

Sigh. 

I went shopping. I looked at labels, food labels. One small slice of Key lime pie is 65-85% of your daily value of saturated fat. I didn’t buy it. Instead I made chocolate chip cookies and potato chips for dinner.

And I wonder why I’m exhausted all the time….

May complaints

Featured photo: Spring blooms in my yard

Yesterday was May 1st. I thought it would be a great day to implement new goals for the month. But I’ve broken them before I even wrote them down. 

Spending. I need to save money. While I’m slowly paying off my debt I know I could do it faster. I’ve got my credit cards that I keep racking up, my mortgage- he’s not going anywhere, student loans- which are moving slower than a snail, but they can’t repossess my education… so they wait, and my car loan – which I still have 4 years on. 

On top of that I’ve got this diet business. It’s still been snowing- just flurries but cold and wet enough I don’t care to go outside, and I still haven’t been to the gym. I told myself to limit my spending on eating out and junk food. Save money and calories! But May 1st, I blow $25 on lunch takeout. Eating essentially two meals and then going out for a working dinner eating hamburgers and fries. Today is May 2nd. I went to the bagel shop for a pricy cold press coffee, bagel sandwich and threw in a scone. Now for lunch I’m making myself a pizza. At least it’s not take out, right?

Continued on May 3rd. 

Jez, I didn’t even post my complaining yesterday. 

I continued to lay on the couch yesterday until I ate a full box of frozen creamy coconut fruit bars. So much for not eating key lime pie. I just ate my weight in fat and sugar while being a slug. 

Today is sunny and 60, it’ll dive back into the 40s tomorrow but I need to get my ass outside. But first- work. 

Sweets

Featured photo: my salad from an event yesterday. 

I’ve always had a sweet tooth. All my life I’ve loved candy, cake, anything really. 

Today is no different. 

Last night I was invited to a formal dinner. It started with shots in a hotel room, beer and booze, then came the formal dinner but before the dancing began, the group was back in the hotel room taking shots. Somehow we made it to a couple bars before shutting the night down. 

Needless to say today was not easy. I had breakfast at noon with friends and somehow the headache came after that. I got jimmy johns with a coke for dinner delivered. 

A few days ago I saw a tv show where the character couldn’t stop searching for the perfect key lime pie. They ate bite after bite of key lime pie just to dump it because it wasn’t good enough. Watching that was torture. I went out to find something similar at the local bakery but only found a custard filled doughnut. It wasn’t even that good. 

I know I binged on  beer and lunch and dinner in the past two days. I’m also down a few pounds for the first time in a while. I’ve been attempting more exercise, trying to think about what I eat and drinking far more water than ever before. 

So, with that in mind, I’m dying for key lime pie. I’ve thought about the freezer section of the grocery store. I’ve thought how easy it would be to hop in my car and get some. To finally answer that nagging call for sweet tangy creamy dessert.

But instead I think of my diet, and my goal, and how I’d feel better without my massive thighs and big tummy. So I just agonize over how much I want pie but continually deny myself. Part of me is proud and part of me is highly annoyed. 

I hope that if I continue to deny myself the sweets that I’ll eventually lose my cravings. Let’s just hope it doesn’t lead to binging on a whole pie one day.   

Who do you love

Featured photo: my homemade latte type beverage. 

In the words of John Mayer, “Who do you love? Me or the thought of me.”

I’ve thought about that. Guys I have crushes on or even what guys might think of me. I may come off as a tough, gruff, I’ll fix it myself, independent lady. And maybe I am. Maybe everyone is emotional and has weak points. Maybe everyone has an exoskeleton but something much softer and weak underneath. 

I like to give off the appearance I’ve got the world at my finger tips and that I choose my destiny but part of me knows it’s just dumb luck. I sit in the couch more than I do the awesome things I’d rather be known for. Am I sham? Meh, maybe slightly. 

But take this homemade latte I made. It’s not really a latte. It’s coffee with heated/whipped 2% milk in it. But it’s got foam like a latte. It’s more than just coffee but honestly it’s just coffee. 

What do I love? The actual thing or the thought of it? 

Deep John Mayer… deep. 

The easy life

Featured photo: spring bulbs in bloom

I realized how easy it is to be unhappy, to be messy, to be overweight or unhealthy. 

I realized the relief when the cute guy who I was flirting with left two weeks ago. I know how I’ve acted insane in order for past boyfriends to break up with me. I realized I ran away when the guy I was in love with told me I could move in with him, because running away was easier than attempting commitment. That was 12 years ago. 

I’ve got the tools, time and money to eat healthy, workout and lose the weight. But year after year I’ve lied to myself. I walk around with a scowl on my face because it takes work to smile. 

I promise myself weekends or days to clean my house and somehow find it more a mess than it was before. 

I’ve chosen the easy life. Even my last relationship. I should have ended it before it began. I knew there were issues 5 years before it finally exploded… but the thought of being with a college sweetheart. Getting a career, marriage, house and babies, even a dog right after college- that’s the dream. It was easy. But it wasn’t. It was work to pretend I had the easy path. It was all a lie I told myself. 

I realize I need to work. Work on my life. It’s easy to be single. Not to worry about another person. No wondering what they are thinking or feeling. No keeping the house clean for a potential date or looking good for anyone. 

Not that I’ve started. I’ve taken steps here or there but this week alone I must have eaten 2 lbs of salted peanuts. Excitingly though I got a nalgene and I’ve been pounding water. That’s a plus. 

So here’s to a new thought. Stop being lazy or basking in my laziness. Start working at my life, at my health and relationships. Being easy isn’t the happy choice. You don’t feel fulfilled when something is easy. You feel a rush and get excited after something was difficult. 

Here’s for my next step. Quitting the easy life. 

Week in review 

Featured photo: my cat sitting on my lap last night

Jesus it’s Friday! This week has been super busy and super exhausting. Or I’ve just been exhausted or sick. Whatever it sucked. 

Last week Tuesday I drove 230 miles for a work meeting and after that another 100 something to see John Mayer in concert in Chicago. Wednesday I sat at a friends house all day with nothing but pop and greasy take out. That night we drove another 100 something miles back so I could have a meeting on Thursday. Insert greasy road food and back 100+ miles to a concert – Me First and the Gimmie Gimmes. From there back to the burbs. 

Friday we headed back into the city (60+ miles) to a friends house and a concert. See last post about my night in hell. 

Thankfully that night my friends didn’t die and I crashed in town with them. Wake up 5 hours later, Cubs game at Wrigley, lots of Chicago food staples (Italian beef and deep dish pizza) then downtown for one of my favorite local bands, Lucky Boys Confusion. 

The concert was exhausting waiting for them to headline. By 10 pm that night my feet were killing me and I had over 10,000 steps in; my normal day is 3,000-4,000. But the band came on and jumping was the only way to enjoy it! They were awesome and I was wide awake again!

Back 60+ miles to the burbs, we got home at 1:30 am and I woke at 7 to shower and get to my uncles house whom I rarely see. 4 hours of visiting later and nearly 400 miles I arrived home just before 10 pm on Sunday. 

Since then work work work. Meeting folks at 8 -am Monday was hard.  Walking the city with contractors and taking naps whenever possible. Finally and scarily it’s already Friday with a ton left to do before travel starts on Monday again. I’ve been ordering takeout for every meal this week. Too sleepy to bother shopping or eating healthy. I’ve gained 2 lbs since my last check in and I realize I’m out of breathe far too easily still.  

Today though I’m energetic. Maybe I finally caught up on sleep or maybe that bubble bath put me in my happy place last night. But hopefully I can be a weekend warrior. Get back in the game, go to the gym, eat better, save money and lose some weight. Wish me luck!

My own personal hell

Featured photo: a statue on the street

I love music. I love many kinds of music. I knew it wasn’t all music but I couldn’t pinpoint a type of music that would play in my own personal hell. 

Well, after today I can answer that question. But, gosh, what even is the genre? Is it just a specific band, was it the genre, was it the venue? I don’t know but I can tell you this much. I will never try to repeat this night again. 

I like symphony orchestras. I like ska bands. These both have horns, but this was different. This was painful. This was a jam band of horns and horrendous high pitched wailes of battle cries that could have defeated their enemies with a single speaker on the battle ground. 

This was full of people twirling and shaking, possibly having medical episodes due to the volumn of the racket being produced. I told my friends I had to escape. I believed my brain was about to explode and my ears were on the verge of bleeding. Perhaps the darkness had already subbcomed them, perhaps it was too late. 

I walked the 12 blocks to my favorite Mexican restaurant and here I will dine alone. Mourning my friends , being thankful I escaped with some hearing left and having to now exist with a glimpse of my afterlife in hell.