Feeling weird

Featured Photo: my lunch, steamed chicken breast with broccoli and rice. Nothing amazing but it’s what I ate.

I’ve been feeling strange lately. I don’t know if the single life is catching up with me, or if my lack of motivation and general dislike for the disrepair my house/life has fallen into or what. But I don’t like it.

I want a new plate. A fresh slate. A clean house?

Also my body. I need to get back on board.

I joined Tinder and Ok Cupid again. I’m dealing with the fact that subcontractors might see me on there. I’m single, so fucking be it. I’ve already seen a few. Oh well.
I’ve matched with some people on Tinder – but then it goes dead. I wrote 2 people. One replied briefly, then deleted me, the other is no word. No one has messaged me first.
I’ve gotten a few messages from people on Ok Cupid. They’ve written me before. Nothing new, nothing exciting.

So I looked at my finances. I got paid today and decided I needed to start logging my finances. Sure, I’ve got mint – it tracks all my accounts and credit cards and loans. But I need day to day, control my shit and know where I am with my money. So many bills are auto-debited and I don’t really think, you only have $30 for a week before you dig into your savings, and then I somehow spend $180 at Target and my money is gone.

I got paid today and wrote it all down. Bills, bills, bills, more bills, and then I realized, after being super excited at how large my paycheck was, I have $300 for two weeks before my next paycheck. Generally I think, LOOK AT THIS PAYCHECK! but now I know I need to say, look at the money I will have left after these bills are paid. Quite different excitement levels there.
While most of my life, $150 per week would be lovely, I’ve been a super asshole and just eating away $20-30 per meal cuz I’m a slob and can’t plan a simple meal. I’ve been shopping and blowing $50 here and $80 at Ulta on make up I don’t need. Just today I blew $80 on Amazon, two new lip stains, a card organizer – thats for work and will legit be helpful – a set of 6 knobs for the vanity I’m making, and some ladles that look like the Lock Ness Monster when they stand up in the pot. To be fair, my one ladle is metal and rusting. I got it from the thrift store so I think I can accept that I got cute new ladles to replace that one. The new lip stains. No, there’s no reasoning behind the last 7 lip stains I’ve purchased. Now I know too, boo fucking hoo, you make a lot of money and blow it on useless stuff and you’re complaining while the rest of us are starving to death. I know I get it, I’m an asshole. It’s very true, mo money mo problems. How do billionaires live? How could they possibly spend that much money? Lemme tell you, the more money you get the easier it is to spend, just on useless stuff. (Like 4 bottles of lipstain when you already own 8) Note: I am in no way near being a billionaire, or a millionaire or even like a $10,000 aire. I’m just currently making the most money I’ve ever made in my life and its nice.

I’m excited for the vanity. I bought a small desk off someone online, $40. I plan on sanding and painting it and adding a mirror. Then instead of my day to day makeup in a tupperware container¬† in the bathroom, and makeup lying across the sink counter, I will have a whole desk for my make up. I’ll even be able to see all the makeup I have in the cabinet that I forget I own. Free up room in the cabinets and be able to organize and actually see all my make up – perhaps be able to curb my incessant purchasing of new make up. It’s a hope in the least.

In order to make room for the new vanity, I emptied out an older, uglier dresser I had purchased for my ex while he lived with me, and I donated 5 bags of clothing to the women’s shelter. Now I still need to in fact, get rid of that older dresser. Sigh.

I also eat, eat eat eat eat! So forcing myself to say, spend the money or make yourself something cheap – thats hopefully going to help me rein in my spending and calories. If I can’t shop maybe I can get back to the gym, though that pesky membership is canceled again and I’m not upset.

The other weirdness is wanting the clean slate. I’m super gung ho to throw things out. I just want to go through every drawer and create a trash/donate/organize bins. Why do i need things I don’t wear? Is it really sentimental if I never use it? If I never see it, does it really make me feel good to know I own it? Do I actually even remember I own it?

It’s a long time coming but I think a purge is on its way. Of course I say that and then i get sad. Not for me – for the item, as if I think that it will be upset to be orphaned after I’ve cared for it all this time. I don’t know what’s in store for it. Will it go to the dump? Be cut up and used as a rag? Will it be burned? The horrors!

But of course I need to buck up and say, Hello, its an inanimate object and this is not Toy Story! Sometimes I think that in years from now it will be super cool and retro and awesome if I kept it. I need to get past all this and say, I will be happier without all this crap!

So, as I hate myself for not doing work, and as I wait for my rice, freezer burned broccoli and chicken breast to cook in my rice cooker – seriously it’s so easy and tasty enough (buy a rice cooker with a steamer basket! one meal made with one device. Awesome!), why don’t i do this more often? I sit here and think of all the things I want to do. I’m also eating cheese slices, because its the one edible thing in front of me while I wait for things to cook rather than be handed to me from a drive-through window, not that I’m doing them but I’m thinking about them. Does it count?

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Busy

I’ve been so busy with work. Yesterday I was up until 11 pm writing contracts. Today I started work at 7:30 and chatted with a co-worker until 4:30p when another coworker suggested getting dinner. I got noting done. We laughed, we discussed work, it was a good time. I’m now in bed and thinking about the cute boy I met today. Just through work but he was cute. Not hot like the electrician but cute. 

I also heard news about the electrician. When we first reached out to him, my coworker got his vm. It was a girl’s voice. He was in Cancun with his gf. Sooo just before I met him he had a gf. News to me. 

This new guy I’ll see tomorrow but I don’t know if I’ll see him after. I know I’ve seen him on match or tinder before. He’s adorable like a teddy bear. Every time I’d steal glances at him, I noticed he’d look back at me. Cute!

We’ll see if anything comes from it. 

Complaints

I’ll have to backtrack about the weekend but first I wanted to complain. 

This past week I saw photos from the wedding I stood in. I saw a large girl with huge arms and an overly plump face. It was me.  

In the hotel this weekend I saw my large belly flab that I couldn’t suck in or hide under a sweatshirt because it was so warm. At my parents house, I could see in the bathroom mirror when I turned around my bare butt. It wasn’t cute and round. It was flat, wide, bumpy, and had a sad overall look to it. 

On the drive home yesterday I broke it up by listening to two audio books. One about mini habits for weight loss, and the other about how one woman somehow paid off $18,000 of debt in one year with her $33,000 salary. I call bs on that one but I’m a hater and a pessimist. What can I say?

For weight loss it was, eat more Whole Foods, if you need to stuff your face do it with fruits and veggies rather than potato chips and exercise some. For saving money, don’t spend your money on shit you don’t need. 

It wasn’t mind blowing concepts. It was all do-able things. I thought, yes! I need a change! I can do this! Then I got hungry as I was driving and thought about a cheese dog and ice cream from Dairy Queen. Luckily for my waistline they were closed. 

Once I got home I was tired, warm and well tired. I had no food at home so I could shop, order in or order take out. Somehow my brain thought the most expensive option. With soup, appetizers, a large expensive entree too. $50 later I picked it up and stuffed my face while laying on the couch. 

Wtf happened to weight loss and saving money?

As soon as I came home with 3 bags of food I realized how wasteful of money and overly calorie ridden meal I’d consume. But consume it I did, well except for the soup, though I tried to eat it but my belly hurt. 

I went to bed, sluggish with a full belly and empty wallet. I woke up sluggish, bloated, tired still, over all I felt horrible and I knew it was from eating too much shitty food. 

I still had no food in my house, granted I do have oatmeal which I swore I’d start eating. I ate the soup from yesterday for breakfast with my coffee. Yes. I have no self control or self respect. I also did this in bed while I typed an agenda for a meeting. 

Before my 2 pm meeting I went to McDonalds and got a 2 cheeseburger meal because I wanted the large iced tea. I ate the burgers and large fry in 2 seconds while driving. 

After the meeting I stopped at the food co-op. Figured I could buy lettuce for a salad, maybe some items to make a fruit smoothie with the frozen fruit I have. I ended up with some carrot cake and a PB&J sandwich I just devoured. 

But I told myself I’d type out my shame here. Explain to myself why I weigh 250 lbs. and try to find the motivation to even make a mini habit to break my eating and spending habits. 

Good luck to me. 

Rant over. 

It’s been a few

Hmmm. I lost my motivation, fell off the bandwagon, I kinda failed at keeping this updated.

I got back from my trip and got slapped in the face with the life I had waiting for me back home. I got swallowed up by work and fell into a stressed out hole. I’m attempting to reemerge.

What’s happened, jeez since vacation. Hmmm. Let’s go backwards. Today my boss called me and he had requested a promotion for me and I guess it just went through! Comes with a decent salary increase so, yea, whoo!

Last weekend was one of my best friend’s wedding.  It was incredibly small with all married couples except for the groom’s little brother. I didn’t include a date since it was such a small wedding. Luckily I worked my way into conversations and entertained myself. I will say, even though there was no one to flirt with and I was surrounded by married couples discussing married life facts, I wasn’t jealous or bitter or annoyed. I was truly happy for both of them. Later that night a friend saw me out. She told me I looked good, that I genuinely looked happy, I had a glow. I have to admit, I can’t tell you why but I am happy. I’m single, overweight, almost 40, and I’ve got credit card and student loan and all sorts of other debt, but I’m happy. It’s weird to think of but it feels good. The groom’s lil brother told me I was a beautiful woman and then kissed me. I dodged the lips and he only got my cheek. It was awkward but in a way I was still excited someone wanted to kiss me.

The weekend before I went down to Illinois to visit a friend and see John Mayer again! As we were sitting in the seats we had purchased months before, my friend suggested we see how much of a discount front row tickets were going for on stub hub. More than 1/2 price! So we figured with the cost of our original tickets and the new tickets it was still less than the face value of front row tix, so we got them!!! The show was great, we were still far away from him since it was a huge amphitheater stage and we were on the far side while he stayed in the middle. It was still amazing.  

The weekend before that was beer fest. Actually that was the week before the wedding and John Mayer was 3 weekends ago. Well whatever, two friends came up for beer fest. It was a drunken awesomeness per usual. I ran into a ton of people I haven’t seen in forever. 
T hat was pretty much my last month. I spent half a week in Wisconsin and half a week in Illinois. Oh wait the weekend before john Mayer I was in Chicago again, that was pretty much another week out of town. There was a bachlorette party weekend type insanity. 

August I can’t remember but I’m pretty sure it was jam packed with catching up on work. The project we had been working on passed, as in its a real project!

So yea I guess that’s where I am in life. Things are busy but really good. Maybe I can keep up with this update too. We can only hope. Maybe clean my house too, or we shouldn’t get too crazy just yet. 

Vacation day… something

Featured photo: an outdoor outhouse

It’s Wednesday morning. We’re in Utah and I’m planning on being back in Michigan Saturday. But first one night in Rocky Mountain park. Then somewhere in Nebraska probably and a night at my friends house in Illinois.  

Last I mentioned we were in Denver for Avett brothers concerts at Red Rocks. That was pretty amazing. Since then we camped in a campsite in the valley of mountains. We hit the continental divide at 11,500 ft elevation, we made it to Arches National Park, explored a bit and now we’re on the Canyonlands Nat Park land just not in the park. 

This campsite is on top of a mountain, and with a tiny dirt road that runs along the cliff. There are fire rings and picnic tables but it’s rustic other than that. The outhouse is a pit toilet with no doors or roof. Just kind of a fence around it. When we first arrived it came with its own lizard. We’re not in Kansas anymore Dorthy. 

This trip has been awesome. I’ve seen so many mountains, desert landscapes, we drove through sleet in Wyoming, touched snow in Yellowstone and ranged in temps from 50-96. 

Can’t wait to see Rocky Mountain Park next, then in a few days I get to wash my clothes, take showers daily again, try a balanced diet and hit the gym. This has to be my wake up call. I’ve got pictures of me and I don’t like what I see. I think I’m 100 lbs lighter than what I am. It’s not preventing me from enjoying this trip but I’m going to work on getting to a healthier me again. That will be good. 

Vacation day 8

Part of me can’t believe it’s only been 8 days with what we’ve seen and done. Part of me knows it’s flying by. Part of me what’s to shout, Get Up Get Up! To my friend and conquer the world. Part of me wishes my internal clock didn’t wake up so early!

I know I’ve done a poor job at keeping up to date with my travels but I’ve got a good excuse. I had no internet or reception throughout South Dakota. As in the entire state. Yellowstone only had reception on top of one Mountain. The past 3 nights we’ve been in hotels but I’ve been exhausted. So here I am. Finally getting a moment. 

I don’t know what I’ve said before so let me try to piece it together. 

We started 1/2 day late. Saturday we made it to the Field of Dreams movie site, then a random campsite in Minnesota. Tuesday we made it to the Badlands and got a campsite at an ok place just outside the park. Wednesday we camped directly below Devils Tower at a KOA. Talk about pricey and posh camping. Thursday we took a detour North to get to the Paradise Valley area. John Mayer lives near here and his snapchats were crazy beautiful of the area around his house. We found a random wildlife/fishing rustic campsite. It was so remote and amazing. All the other campsites were full and we were considering a cabin for nearly $80 at KOA until we found this gem. See featured photo for our scenery. This site was only $18. Nice. 

We drove an hour south into the North gate of Yellowstone. We drove 35 miles to the West Gate, which is midway down the park, in hopes of finding a campsite. By a miracle someone in the back said, we just got one site for 1 small tent, as we pleaded for anything in the park that might be open. We never actually expected to be able to camp in Yellowstone but we weren’t sure where to go if we didn’t. The site was small but perfect. We spent 1/2 day driving around the north loop and taking quick .25 – 1.5 mile paths to see the sites. Desert atmosphere with boiling water and mud pots to Mt. Washburn where we grabbed some snow! We saw wild Buffalo, Elk, Deer, and the top of one Black Bear. We didn’t get mauled by bears in our sleep as I feared and it was wonderful. The park is truly beautiful and a wonder. Thursday morning we headed to Old Faithful and arrived perfectly on time to see it shoot off! Ridiculously lucky, it only goes off every 2 hours! We saw a few more sites but needed to head south to the Grand Tetons. 

Now I thought Yellowstone was beautiful, the Grand Tetons were the most beautiful. I feel like the park is left in Yellowstones shadow but the views are awe inspiring. I must return and camp in this park. There is a section with swimming and the mountains are right there. We stuck our warm swollen bug bitten feet in the cold water and suddenly all was right with the world. If we hadn’t needed to get closer to Denver, if the time crunch wasn’t so big, we would have stayed and swam and slept and experienced more of the Grand Tetons. 

Jackson Hole Wy is a cute touristy BUSY town. A little too much for tired campers to deal with. The rest of Wy was natural gas fields. Uh what? I still haven’t researched it. I’ve been meaning to. The section was boring. Night fell, it was dark and we thought it would be best to drive further and get a motel if need be just to be closer to Denver. The motel was fine, we had BK for breakfast and hit the road by 7 am. We drove straight to our hotel in Denver. Checked in, got our concert tickets and VIP passes, then chilled in the hotel room until we boarded a shuttle to Red Rocks! Part of the VIP trip packaged included a pre-party dinner, first night taco bar, second night Pulled pork and BBQ beef sandwich bar, and I’m excited to see what’s in store this afternoon. 

The food is delish, the venue is incredible and I really enjoy the Avett Brothers, they are a really good band! And yea, if you hadn’t been following along… I didn’t know their music. My friend bought these tickets ages ago and I wanted to go on a vacation. So I said I’d go with IF we took a road trip to Yellowstone, and the rest happened. 

Now, today is the last night in Denver. We meant to explore more but the shuttle leaves at 4 pm and gets back at midnight. A long day at a concert and it makes a late morning. 

We still haven’t planned what to do after we leave the hotel tomorrow, or for the rest of the week for that matter. It’s like the trip is over but we could still do so much. 

I promise to update with some photos but the shower and breakfast are calling my name. 

Night 3

Featured photo: the Badlands

My phone didn’t work for almost all of South Dakota. We’re now in Wyoming at a KOA campground below Devils Tower. 

I haven’t had more than 7 hours of sleep in the last 2-3 weeks. Usually teetering between 4-5 hours per night and vacation has done nothing more for me. My internal clock goes off at 7 am EAstern time zone, but we’re now 2 hours earlier so I’m awake by 5 am while my road trip friend snores on beside me. 

Last night a storm came in. The wind almost blew the tent down. Like it actually bent the tent down and a corner pole hit me in the head a few times. Miracously the tent stakes held true and the rain fly never flew off. We stayed up for a few hours in the middle of the night. Me holding one corner of the tent up while watching the rain puddle inside of the tent. It was dramatic and the worst I’d ever experienced in a tent, but sogginess and all we slept for another few hours once the storm passed. 

Wall Drug is my least favorite place on earth… for touristy stuff. 

My travel buddy has decided to ignore lunch and instead “snack”. While on the road she refuses to stop to buy food but thus far I’m the only one cooking. Annoying to say the least. But last night I fell ill, and she did give me ice to put on my blazing hot head and allowed me to nap for an hour while my head tried to crack my skull open from the inside out. 

That’s about it for now. I’m still exhausted. But we’re one days worth of driving from Yellowstone. That’s exciting!

Vacation, finally

Featured photo: the 55′ Green Giant Statue in Blue Earth MN. 

Well. Last week was insane. We spent 69 hours in the office working on our proposal. Our longest day was 18 hours and the shortest was 12.  I don’t even want to talk about it except to say, Thank God that’s over… for me at least. 

I left, after 12 hours on Friday and drove 6.5 hours to my friends house. After a week of no sleep, then 4 hours of sleep we got on the road finally Saturday AM. 1/2 a day later than we wanted. We finally stopped randomly in Blue Earth MN. After stopping to see the Field of Dreams movie set in Iowa. Our camping site was odd, small 9 site spot in a fairground, but cozy. We reek like campfire smoke since we barely could get a fire going. It was so humid here condensation set on everything and the wood was damp. 

So far lots of laughs. Today we’re heading for the Bad Lands National Park then Mt. Rushmore and Yellowstone. Super excited for all of it!

Especially after how insane work has been. 

Follow along for more pictures and details. 

Almost the work week: day 2/22

Featured photo: a bridge and sky

Today two of my brothers and their wives, my aunt and uncle, and three nephews came over for breakfast. In typical fashion my Dad kept the TV on as we all ate in their small apartment. There was no talking or enjoying each other’s company. Just watching TV in silence. 

Family can be awkward. 

I stayed until 2 pm then began the drive across the State to the office where we will be working on the proposal. I’m here 5 nights total. 

So far the hotel looks really nice. I’m actually tempted to use the pool. Usually traveling for work there are workers around. Being the only female and the boss I prefer not to be anywhere in my swim suit. But here there are only coworkers from the same company. All are married and not interested in staring at my breasts or (hopefully) not making inappropriate comments about my anatomy or brain or lifestyle. 

In my typical fashion I got to the hotel at 5. Decided to nap and woke up at 9:30 to take out my contacts. I then woke myself up, browsed online, started a text convo with a friend for 1 hour and now it’s 1 am. I’m still sleepy, I haven’t gotten any work done and my alarm will go off in 4 hours. Awesome. 

Good luck to me and the next 4 days. Vacation is hopefully starting in 5 days. 

Out of town: Day 1 of 22 

Featured photo: sunset from my parents town

I meant to leave town yesterday. I thought I’d be here for my parents 50th wedding anniversary surprise party. Yup. Fail bus. 

I’ve been exhausted. I’ve been trying to veg out, be a touch social and still get all my work done. I’ve been working 14 hour days. Working on the weekends and I’m still not prepared for this coming week. 

I thought I could go to the chiropractor and see my dentist for a check up then drive to my parents town 7 hours away on Friday. Easy peasey. 

Insert failbus. Like a huge tour bus of fail. You see, in order to leave from the dentist meant my work had to be done. It also meant on Thursday my house would need to be cleaned and I would be packed for a weekend at my parents, a week in the office downstate and 2 weeks of car camping/ possible backpacking in conditions from 40 degree mountains to 100 degree valleys.

Wanna know how I spent my Thursday night? Working until 11 pm at night. Yup. Awesome. 

Friday I was called to research more items, take pictures and measurements, send emails, answer phone calls etc. I decided by 4 pm I needed a nap then I could pack and drive. When I woke up at 6 pm I vetoed driving for fear of falling asleep. Suddenly it was 11 pm and I had time warped into the future somehow just by sitting on the couch. Still not packed, I went to bed.  Geared to wake up in 5 hours. 

Of course I laid in bed longer than I should, I debated on what to pack and how and finally crunch time came and went and in a hurricane action I threw stuff in bags, threw it in my car and without looking back I left. 3 hours later than I should have. 

I arrived 2 hours late to my parents party. So far on night one of 22 nights away from home, I already think I forgot to pack my glasses. MY GLASSSES! I’ve got at least one pair of extra contacts for the next 22 days and i do not have decent vision. I can’t drive, I can barely walk without glasses or contacts. Hopefully I threw them in my other bag and quickly searching in the dark I simply missed them. Otherwise I pray my dog sitter can express mail them to me. Ekk.  Not going to lie, I’m freaking out. 

Also, remember my sexting subcontractor? He texted me at 3 am again. I sent him a follow up text saying it was unfair he only texted after bar close and he needed to invite me out for a drink. He replied a few hours later, You’re right. I’ll make it up. 

We spoke several times on Wednesday and Thursday about work. I could hear him smiling on the other line, I enjoyed how he said Hello & Goodbye with my name. How we started just saying Hey when answering the phone and smiling. I’m smitten. Fully smitten with this boy. Now I have to wait 22 days before we’re even in the same town. 

22 days wondering if he’s sexting someone else at 3 am. If he remembers his promise to make it up to me or that I even exist. 

Arggg. He’s really really adorable. 

Some people say they met someone and instantly knew they were going to marry them. That they were going to pursue them until it happened. Sometimes I think that I think that about everyone. But I want to say that about this guy. He’s the bees knees. 

Sigh. It’s dreamy just thinking about him.