Taking a chance and a taco

I’ve been single for years. Read that, years.

I’ve been depressed, full of anxiety and excuses. Lately though, my depression seems to have holes through it, like a moth-hole ridden sweater. The sun shines through and my confidence has risen. I walk around imagining guys staring at my ass or stealing peaks at my breasts. I look in the mirror and the vision of my younger, skinner self is met with the obese, while curvy, chunky, awkward body that is reality.

I’ve attracted guys lately, maybe for longer but it’s hard to acknowledge sometimes. Do they see my curves, red lips, blonde hair and confidence as a turn on? I don’t know but something is there and it’s still working. Not as hard as it use to but it’s there. I don’t really get it. I imagine they see me as skinny but I look in the mirror and wonder, what are they seeing? Let’s be honest, while more “plus size” models are getting coverage, they still have a label. There’s still TV shows with waifs of women but a show with an obese woman is comedy relief or plays the role of sad, fat girl. There’s no overly confident obese girl who has it all in the dating world. It’s still labeled a comedy if it is out there.

That self doubt is courtesy of my married friends who hint that I’ve gained too much weight and my ex, basically everything about me couldn’t attract a guy, or him for that matter. I surround myself with lovely people. (That was sarcasm)

First there was electron telling me I was smart and beautiful. Granted all he ever asked was to sleep with me. He promised me a date but we never got that far. This year there was the Canadian sales person from my regional meeting. Hot, well dressed, tall, smothering me with compliments, seeking me out, buying me drinks, asking me to go out dancing with him… I found out later he was married with a small child soooo hmmm. Next we have the finance corporate guy from my company. While I was obviously swept up with the tall Canadian, he stayed later than anyone else, talking about life, our jobs then took me to get a taco. The taco shop was closed, as it was 2 am and we went to our respected homes/hotel. Granted with that he was asking me questions around my job and what I could do to benefit his job. Hmmm

Ok. Perhaps these guys aren’t great examples. Obviously I’m still single and none have actually led to a date or a boyfriend. Is it me though? Electron I told no, though I wanted to say yes badly, mostly because I was intimidated but also because of my job. With him I left it very open, I appreciated the offer but had to turn him down. The Canadian, I wanted to go dancing with him but I had pulled a muscle in my leg and was limping badly. I couldn’t dance. I was thankful Finance guy was there. And Finance guy, well, he lives in Milwaukee. I was only there for that night.

Now, long story short, this finance guy. He’s younger than me, typical good looking mid-western guy, nothing over the top amazing but he is cute; he deals with people above me. I report to them, they report to him, he reports up the chain to someone else. So he’s not my boss or supervisor at all. He just crunches numbers to report to stock holders or whomever. My job, one of a zillion across the US and Canada; well since he met me, any extra dollars I pull in, he has sent an email thanking me. This is not typical. As, the report doesn’t come from me. It comes from my boss, Finance guy just knows it’s my project because we’ve talked about it.

So this month, only the second month since we met, I decide to flirt back. I sent him an email saying I’m still waiting for a taco, (remember we went to grab a taco but the place was closed). It’s not even technically flirting is it? It’s just asking for a taco. I meant it as flirting, but text is all in the way you read it as to the actual inflection that someone intended with it. I wavered for a minute before sending. Could it be harassment, could it be inappropriate, should I not email corporate? Should I steer clear of inter-company… what? What does/could it mean that I’m waiting for a taco. Some sort of sexual innuendo?

Here I am. Putting my career over flirting, or even just initiating friendship or merely the discussion of lunch? I don’t know. Overthinking what rights I have or the lack there of in a man’s work force. Would I be so intimidated in any other career? I dunno. But I work with nothing but men. All of my superiors, anyone up the ladder that I deal with, all men. For that matter almost all people down the ladder from me are men too. In my region I am the only female in my position, in North America there may be 7-10 females in my role compared to 150+ men. I’m assuming these stats but I know in all of Canada there are 3 females in my role.

The only place I meet guys are through work. I’ve always kept this arms distance, flirt then flee. Don’t be caught being human. Live, sweat, cry, loose hair, gain weight and stress the fuck out for your job but lord forbid, find happiness. So, with a confident push of my buttonless phone I hit send on the two sentence email and waited.

I didn’t wait long. My supervisor told me, Mike is visiting the job next week with Gary. My jaw dropped, What?! I brought it up a few times. How? Why? That wasn’t his role. He didn’t visit projects. He crunches numbers at corporate. While I went through in my head the outfits I might wear while he visited and weather or not I should be vigilant about cleaning my house for a sleepover… do you think it would go there? Gosh I don’t know… I got an email back, “That’s Fair! We will have to address that at some point.” Not flirty, or harmful. Just tacos. In the most corporate, politically correct way ever.

We called Gary who said he had word from Mike that he couldn’t come up. Hmmph.

But, there it was. A simple harmless email about tacos. Each of us only wrote two sentences and I was giddy all day.

It’s nothing really. I eat meals with work people when they visit, often. I don’t generally hang out one on one after drinking at 2 am but, it seemed harmless.

I think the point is, I took a chance. A chance I overthought, I debated, I weighed, I finally said fuck it and did. It was two sentences and neither were shocking. But I did it. I got a pleasant, positive, though possibly a interminable response.

These are the things you celebrate when you believe you are incapable of being more than single. Even a date can seem like a fluke. Online dating is a constant let down when you aren’t as attractive as they may have believed you to be. There’s always a hotter picture someone else has out there to ponder over.

So, with another 4 days of failed diet, my friends in town and then a work trip and work people in town, I need to remember this feeling. Remember the urgency of cleaning my house. The motivation to drop some pounds, for health, clothing fitting and yes, for attractiveness.

This is where I’m at. A sun ray of light shining into my shaded room of self doubt, with a simple sentence about a taco.


Values in dating

I realize there are supposed to be things you look for in a partner.

Common interests, attractiveness, do they want children, etc. for some time I’ve been solely basing my judgement on attractiveness and if they like me, throwing out the rest.

This weekend opened my eyes to another layer, passion. Not passion for love, passion in a relationship or how passionate they are about me, but more so, passionate about life, their goals and work.

I’m very passionate about my job/career. I’ve struggled , cried, fought, and really gone through battle with my education and Career. I’ve lost a relationship over it, I’m sure I’ve taken years off my life, it’s been no easy feat. I’ve been degraded, I’ve been told to give up, that I would fail and it’s only made me want it more. It’s that sick relationship of time and effort and refusing to quit even if it’s not good for you.

My job has given me financial ease, it’s given me great praise and pride. It’s not all bad, and I refuse to have someone else come along and drag me down out of spite, jealousy, or lack of pride in their own career. That’s my issue. Finding a man in this small town area that not only likes his career but takes pride in it. Most people find a job that pays the bills and sticks with it. Mostly despising their choice but feeling that it pays too much to leave it. The few dates I’ve gone on, the men hated their career choice but felt stuck. My ex, put me down more than anyone else, telling me anyone could do my job, that I was worthless and might as well quit. He was obviously a horrible person, I know that, but I cannot have that happen to me again. I cannot be with someone that is upset about me being the breadwinner or making more or being successful or fighting for a career and succeeding at it. He was a teacher and instead of taking pride in a valuable yet underpaid career, he took it out on me and only saw the dollars I was making compared to him. In the end he also felt that since I made more I would pay for everything for him. No. I still want to be taken out to dinner. I refuse to not be given a Christmas or Birthday gift because I could just buy it myself. Yes yes I know- this guy was the worst of the worst- but after 5 years of thinking we were in love; I was the person saying, I’ve put this much time and effort in, maybe I can’t do better. I can’t let that happen again.

The guy from this weekend boasted about his job at a deli counter at a grocery store, and thats excellent that you take pride in that, but never bothered to ask what I do. In fact he cut me off to continue talking about his job to me.

I refuse to not be acknowledged by a possible suitor. My friends made fun of me that I was upset he never asked me about my career… maybe that’s normal, maybe that’s them being assholes, I don’t care this time.

My next boyfriend will acknowledge that I’ve worked hard to be successful. I want them to be proud of me just as I want to be of them. I want us to encourage each other to gain more success and truly understand each other when we have a bad day.

I need someone with the same motivation as me, the same passion and drive and empathy when shit goes bad.

That’s why I’m obsessed with electron. He’s attractive and lives to work rather than works to live. It’s not the best life. It’s not an easy life. And in the end, what do you have? A life spent slaving away for someone else. But some of us are just built that way.

I’ve found the value that was missing… now I just need to figure out how to find it.

The crush is back part 2

My last blog about a dream man was a Canadian co-worker from a conference. He was attractive, flirty, and yes he was sexy. But my original dream man/crush was a subcontractor we were looking to get pricing from. In the past year I’ve written about him multiple times.

If there was love at first site, I felt it with him, nicknamed the Electron. This instant crazy sexual awe, but not even lust… how to describe it… honestly a loss of words is pretty accurate.

I rounded the corner onto his office and took a step back. I almost would assume my jaw dropped if ever so slightly. There he was, he sounded cute on the phone but cute doesn’t describe it. Huge blue green eyes, perfect hair, long lean with a button down shirt with the first few buttons undone.

I swear he looked at me and took a double take but my friends tell me that’s in my brain. Apparently they don’t think a guy that’s hot would be into me. It’s because I’m overweight. I never said my friends were kind or supportive.

We sat across from each other at his desk, staring into each other’s eyes. Every so often we’d giggle and look to the ground. It was the feeling of your first crush/boyfriend in high school. That giddy, nothing else on the planet matters but us feeling. It’s exciting and more rare than your typical flirting. I know our convo strayed from topic several times. Where we’re from, where we live, our dogs, and I made a point to throw out that I was single. A month later we saw each other again, walking and talking on sites. I won’t recap the rest, it’s in several blogs but the latest is “The crush is back”.

He’s back, because he was in jail and rehab. Again, look back to older blogs.

I saw him the day of his sentencing. That afternoon he came to see me and I was overly giddy. This week we had a meeting. He flew in Wednesday night, we spent 4 hours together between meetings and site visits. Then I had to rush to another meeting.

Friday he came to the City building about an issue. He could have made a call to his customer but I like to think he came with the chance to see me in my temporary office in the same building. I saw him in the stairwell as I was coming in. I told him I was available for a call but he actually drove back to see me. We met for an hour before he had an appointment and then I was in meetings the rest of the day. He said he would’ve come back to meet again.

He bought a farm downstate. A small town of 300 people to live the “quiet life”. But he plans to buy an airplane. What?!?

When I asked, “you know how to fly a plane?” He replied, “I know how to do everything.” It was sexy and cocky and just enough douche bag/bad boy type of tease that made me want to rip off his clothes.

We met with the customer on Thursday. I noticed Electron kept looking at me, when I talked to him he was super focused and laughed extremely loud. He always laughed loud at my jokes and seemed intent on what I had to say. I just assumed it’s who he was. Somehow though, my shyness came out. I couldn’t look at him. I was nervous and awkward.

The customer, he’s a no nonsense ex car plant worker from Detroit. He says it like it is. But he came in the office and says, He’s got a thing for you. And I was like Naw, and he said, Is he single? I shrugged. And he said, I’m just saying, he likes you.

I guess it’s not just me who thinks so.

I brought up randomly that it’s a shame he lives downstate, “because I know you don’t have your text messages but I still have all of mine..” (to recap, he had sexted me multiple times, each time I declined but still expressed my interest. I finally told him to ask me out rather than booty call and he promised to prior to his disappearance) he cut me off to show me a picture of the plane. It was extremely pretty/sexy. Like, I don’t know what I expected. I’ve never thought of a plane as sexy, but somehow this was. I said, oh wow. He grinned and said, you like that? I swear to god we could have been in bed talking about parts of his anatomy the way the conversation played out. I’ve never had sexual tension like this before.

It’s magnetic, it’s like a force beyond us has us connected. I’m not talking spiritual, I’m talking like electronic or science, like our chemical makeup has the exact same number of protons and electrons and our atoms are pulling us to each other. That’s how it feels. I’ve Never felt this way with anyone. It’s not even love, it’s just attraction I guess.

It’s still so complicated. We’re still trying to do business with him. My boss still doesn’t know he’s even back. It’s all sorts of complicated. Never mind the fact he lives downstate. As in 8 hours away.

I can only hope I have an update on this. Sigh swoon sigh is all I can leave it at.

Dream man

I’ve been meaning to write since last week. I was in Milwaukee for a week long meeting and it was fun and intense and stressful and upsetting. Oh did I mention painful, I hurt my leg.

It was nice seeing colleagues I hadn’t seen in years. It was great meeting people I had only talked to on the phone. It was fun to be in a click with the Michigan team, even though I’ve belonged to the Wisconsin team for the past 5 years. It was really nice to meet the Canadian team and be flirted with by one of them…

He was tall, long hair swept back, lean and well dressed with a touch of shabbiness to it. You knew he anguished over his style but it was disheveled just enough to look as if he didn’t try- he just looked that good when he awoke. He is from Montreal with a heavy French accent, and he sought me out.

I had stood to make a comment on women empowerment. I received heavy applause and I want to say mostly from the Canadians. One by one they made their way throughout the week to tell me they appreciated what I had to say. But one in general told me several times. He called me woman power. Then he started calling me Beauty, then Darling.


He wanted to go dancing on the last night, he took my hands and pulled me from my chair. I couldn’t if I wanted to though. I had pulled a muscle and I was limping badly. I knew it was for the best but I couldn’t help being sad. I’d love to be wasted and make out with him. He was so sexy and charming and… sigh.

I got back home late Thursday night. I was ready to add him on LinkedIn, ask him to visit me. I just had that intuition though. That doubt and second guessing. I FB stalked him only to find he was married with a small child.

I was crushed and hurt and angry. During our meetings I had scanned the room to find him meeting my gaze. I noticed how, like most of us, sat with our teams, and his team sat across the ballroom from my group; but he always came to my side of the room during breaks, which I would exchange a smile or start a conversation while walking around. I had fantasized about this man during speakers. He had given me pet names, begged me to go out with him, taken my hands and pulled me to him. Had we gotten anywhere alone he could have enchanted my pants to come off without a second thought, all the while, unknown to me, his wife and child waited for him at home.

My friends all say, you didn’t have sex with him so what’s the big deal. They are married; I guess this behavior is normal to their relationship? Granted, he truly did nothing “wrong”, but I certainly wouldn’t appreciate that behavior from someone I was married to. And where the fuck was his ring?

Since then I found myself daydreaming about electron. I realize I’m living in a fantasy and really need to wake up.

He’s back

Yesterday was the day. He had his sentencing and then he was supposed to meet with me about the project in the afternoon.

I got so nervous I was shaking but luckily he was delayed and by the time he showed up I just acted like nothing. He made quite a few cocky remarks; for instance, “I was pissed off when I found out what happened” and his reply? “Yea I was too” with a shit eating grin on his face.

He made comments about bidding a job through jail bars and bidding on a house for $20,000 but he lost the bid. He did say however he got the bid for the job.

I told him there was no more fun. He promised that he would do a good job, he’s a hard worker and a good worker and I would see.

I gazed into his eyes for probably longer than I should have but he held my gaze as well. He looked a little rough around the edges but still handsome as can be.

Today I took the chance and asked him if he wanted to come with me walking through the campground. It was more date-y than not but it was still work related. He asked for a 30 minute warning and when I gave it to him he turned me down. Claiming he was too crabby.

He did say Sorry however.

Just being around him gets me fucking giddy. It makes me want to be a better person and I instantly feel pretty again.

I could be reading into it, I could be only hearing and seeing what I want to see. But I just can’t believe I’m making this all up either.

I want to marry him still. I’ve never been this stupidly attracted to anyone.

I know I can’t put all my eggs in a basket. Especially this one. But god damnit there is something just magnetic about him.

A two for one

I started typing this yesterday but never finished, so today I’ll continue with today’s post.


It’s a blizzard here, for a period with slim visibility. My house has a draft. My car wiper blades won’t thaw, and work is, as always, busy.

I can’t wake up, no, I won’t get out of bed when I should. I haven’t been able to get through my work emails. I’m attempting to get through December, never mind that it’s already January.

Today I had a salad for lunch and that made me proud. Tonight I ate a steak for dinner. No veggie or starch or fruit, just a steak.I have a poor diet.

Work was good. I have a mini crush on the customer. We seem to enjoy each other’s company. I really enjoy when he makes a point to come in my office and just shoot the shit. We have fun bantering and making lewd comments about both our co-workers. Of course he’s married with children but it’s still fun and harmless to talk.


The blizzard continues. I fired up the snowblower for the second day. I drove through white out conditions and thanked goodness I didn’t have to drive hours for work.

Tuesday I received an email from the electrician’s email address. Not completely weird considering the entire family had access. They never sign anything so I thought, it’s probably the other son emailing me. I called back asking him to call me. No response. So I sent an email and copied everyone, I got another response and considering the content, I’m almost wondering, is it my electrician? Again there was no signature but there was a different phone number, a 312 area code which I know well, Chicago.

Could it be my electrician, is he back?

Will it be the same? Will I get my dinner? Had he met someone? Was he not interested in me like that?

I just don’t know. I didn’t call back until I was in my car but it was also 5 pm. The voice mail box wasn’t set up. I guess we will see on Monday?

Other than that I made a great smoothie, just fruit and spinach and a cup of yogurt. I may have gotten a sub from Jimmy John’s but I didn’t get chips or pop. Tonight I made another salad, probably too much baked crispy chicken strips but a salad none the less. I’m proud of how much I’m eating at home. I’m hoping the scale will begin to show the results as well.

A day on the road

Last night I couldn’t sleep. I was hungry and anxious. Thinking of returning to work, but traveling suddenly became scary. I thought of car accidents, bad weather, work I hadn’t completed. I tossed and turned, still slightly nauseous and burning then freezing.

I left just after 7 am. I was hungry, and McDonald’s is on the way out of town. I had two cans of sparkling water and a large coffee. I stopped for gas and got a vitamin water, my mouth was still dry. I devoured a sub sandwich after the 4 hour car ride. After an hour and 1/2 meeting/walk through, I was back in the car dying for some more liquid. Somehow I thought Arbys would be good and after a roast beef sandwich, mozzarella sticks and a huge iced tea, I almost felt normal.

Four hours later I was back home. I got soup for dinner, clear brothy noodle soup. I’ve drank another sparkling water, I’ve got some hot tea and I’m about to have another sparkling water in hopes I’ve rehydrated myself after new year’s.

I had ordered a gratitude journal, to list three things you are grateful for each day and summing up each week. A way for me to acknowledge the good of each day instead of the bad. I also ordered a journal that asks questions as a refuge from stress and negativity. Instead of just reading and mindful thoughts, I have to list my own mindfulness.the journals were delivered today.

It’s part of my new year, along with a dream journal.

And here I am explaining my day. Unsure how eventful or exciting it is for anyone else but something for me to unwind, destress, and try to come back into the moment instead of zoning out in front of the tv and allowing days to pass me by.

Though I haven’t eaten well today, I ate out every meal, I did take some time to tidy up slightly. I’ve always believed in baby steps and self awareness as an important step.

This weekend I’ll have 10 guests in my tiny home for a late Christmas/board game night. I’m making a turkey. I need to finish cleaning before then but also commit to yoga on Thursday. Let’s do this.


Time for resolutions and new beginnings. I don’t know if you’re supposed to share your resolutions. I often think that if I say something it won’t come true.I’m going to list it out here regardless.

I didn’t clean my house for the new year.I still have boxes and old newspapers scattered in my living room. Boxes of items to go to the basement or upstairs, but they haven’t been taken there.

I attempted to organize my office and spare bedroom. I meant to organize the closet but a dormant bee was taking a nap in the frozen room so I ran screaming, vowing to call an exterminator. I know I’ve got bees in the attic and before the thaw would be the best time to remove them.

I’ve got clean dishes in the dishwasher, unfolded clothes in the dryer and hampers. I’ve got a strain on the upstairs carpet I planned to clean.I’ve also got a membership for unlimited yoga and haven’t gone once since I paid for it during thanksgiving.

So, a new year, a new beginning.

Stop procrastinating. Stop spending all my time on a screen playing useless games or watching tv. Get out more, accomplish more. Keep a clean house by tidying up the house for 15 minutes before bed. Read the newspaper the day it comes. Pay off my credit cards, starting with making an instant payment when ever I use them along with a monthly payment to pay them down. Go to yoga, make a minimum step goal and reach it. Play with my dog more. Eat more whole foods and less meat. Lose 40 lbs, half of what it would take to get to a “healthy weight”. Go on dates, stop being afraid of dating. Stop day dreaming about marrying every man you meet and being disappointed when it doesn’t happen. Work less, travel more. Make meals at home and eat less take out. Drink less coffee and more water. Make new friends. Worry less…

That’s a good start, hey? Today doesn’t count. It’s new years day. I was hungover and napped the alcohol out of my system. I watched The Grand Budapest Hotel today. It took me 3 attempts before I finished it. It’s a great movie, I was just too hungover to keep starring at the screen before becoming nauseated. 

I attempted a frozen pizza, eating nothing but a bit of crust, pulling off the cheese and toppings and hoping I wouldn’t puke it up. I took a shower thinking I would grab some McDs but the thought of going outside was all too much. Instead I made myself a salad and I was pretty impressed with myself. So making meals at home, eating more whole foods and less meat- day one, woot. I’ll attempt to be more proactive tomorrow… uh oh. That’s already a procrastination. 

A little effort

Today is the day we feast. I visit my family usually once a year. They live six hours away by car – and while that’s not entirely ridiculously far… when you travel for work for your job, sometimes you like to just sit still for a while.

They don’t celebrate many things – no Christmas or Halloween, no Thanksgiving or birthdays. So each year I use my Thanksgiving holiday of a 4 day weekend to come down and bring a turkey and ham and say – Oh boy, look at all this food! Guess we have to call the family over to eat it! They won’t do it on Thursday, any day other than Thursday.

Each year most of the family comply. A little effort on my part and I get a feast and see my family. Except my one sister-in-law and her children. I believe she thinks I’m an ‘evil’ person since I fully partake in Halloween. Like FULLY PARTAKE. Not like I sacrifice sheep or anything but I love skulls and creepy decorations. They however view this as the devil influencing my life. To each their own, but I am sad that I have a very small family, made smaller by religious viewpoints.

Today is the day – the day of Turkey and Ham and family. My parent’s live in an apartment complex that has a ‘clubhouse’. Its open to anyone in the complex. There is a small kitchen, tables, a couch, tv, and computers for general use. Here we can make the Turkey,  and across the way my Mother can make the ham in their oven, then bring it over. I am finally sitting by myself – out of my parents small one bedroom apartment. When I visit I sleep on an air mattress on the floor, in the living room between the couch and the TV. This upsets my father as all he does is sit on the couch and watch TV. Its enjoyable to be able to sit on a couch in this ‘clubhouse’, in a quiet room with no TV. The simple things you miss in life when they are taken away.

I sit here and think of the lack of exercise. The most I get is 2 steps to the bathroom and 2 steps back to a chair where I sit in their apartment. I don’t know this town well enough and there is no sidewalk to just explore. Outside of the complex is the highway. My father is in a wheelchair and doesn’t enjoy leaving the house. Even when he could walk he rarely did. So I think about the grease laden food my mother keeps feeding me. Dripping wet butter on muffins, greasy bacon, greasy eggs, she offered to make me a deli chicken sandwich and asked if I wanted Mayo and butter on the bread. I declined both.

My mother isn’t a bad cook, shes just become use to the disgusting habits of my father and I think she believes this is the norm now. Each day I look at my large thighs and hips, the new stretch marks on top of old ones on my belly and the people on the tv who are stick thin with perfect skin. While I see this I do nothing to change my habits, I sit in the chair and eat the greasy food and look for seconds out of boredom.

I also think about the fact that I haven’t dated anyone in years. YEARS. While it took me a long time to get over the hell my ex put me through – I’m over that. At least enough to start dating. But I look at dating profiles and constantly say none of them are good enough for me, simply based on the way they look or their occupation – but am I even good enough for any of them? Not even IRL but based on the few pictures I put up and the tiny description. Seriously, what right do I have to be on a high horse. I’m so afraid of finding the perfect relationship that I’m too afraid to even try. I guess I tell myself – what if I find someone and fall for them and then my make believe prince finds me?

I mean insanity right? I just need to try to go on a date to date – not to marry – not to have a baby but just to try to “Date”. I’m so confused with the – looking for something real vs – looking for a friend and possibly more. I mean, whats the difference? I understand some people just want to hook up. I don’t want that. But is there a simple – just looking to meet people and see if we click? Is that a thing?

My weight is my weak point. It always will be. I could drop 60 lbs in 40 weeks if I really really tried. Point in fact- – TRIED, effort here is the key missing factor of my life. And even 60 lbs would put me at College weight, which was still overweight. I’m probably closer to 100 lbs overweight but my goal is to lose 60 for happiness.

Effort is needed for friends too. I recently found out the Nutcracker ballet was coming back and asked my friends if they wanted to go. One by one they declined. I thought – maybe I’ll go by myself – refusing to miss out on things because I’m ‘alone’. Finally I made the effort – reached out to a friend of a friend and they accepted immediately! Yea! New Friend!

I need to keep this effort. Effort to exercise, effort to blog more, effort to eat an apple, effort to make friends, effort to give men a chance to be imperfect humans as I know I am,  effort to just DO.

So far I’ve been blogging the few days I’ve been at my parents. Is it boredom, is it my final break in life saying – YOU NEED TO CHANGE!. Is it the fact that I’ve got so much bottled up in my brain I just need a release? Is it that I finally realized I ran out of excuses. I’m not traveling crazy pants anymore. There is no need to eat out every meal. I need to save money hard core and pay off my credit cards and loans but to do that I can’t spend a $500 on eating out each month. It’s time I sit down and have an intervention with myself. But after today. Today is Turkey day and I get to eat all the food I want. Cuz thats what you do on Turkey day. I refuse to be upset as I say – I’ll start on Monday. Effort for Monday.


Friday the 13th

They say another Friday the 13th won’t happen in October until 2023 or something. I’ll be 43. Sigh. 

My day was fine. I met with my hot electricians mother. Now this may seem weird or maybe you have no idea what I’m talking about. There was an extremely hot electrician that I was having bid on work for a project my company was putting together. He thought the work would be too much and never make the project, then texted me at 6 am asking if I wanted to get naked. I sssumed he just sent the text to the wrong person but he admitted (with a slew of compliments) that it was for me while he was drunk. And the question became, who is still drunk at 5 am? Usually I’m long pasted out at that point. 

Unfortunately my company was still interested in his bid, so I did not pursue him personally though the flirting (mutually) continued. For 1/2 year. Until he stopped texting me. The contracts were signed, work to be started and he was no where to be seen. His business is family owned. That’s where his mom gets involved. I’ve spoken with her quite a few times. And I’ve met her multiple times. Shes told me all about the family. Praising and explains that the son I had been dealing with had no children and wasn’t married. Excellent. 

Unfortunately it was in the news 2 weeks ago, he was arrested for several things, mostly possession of cocain. COCAIN. wtf. 

I had to make a very awkward call to his mother asking if the business would be ok and such. We got through it. She was pleasant. I felt horrible for asking. I really like his mom and his brother. His dad is ridiculously handsome for being older. That honestly has nothing to do with the rest but it’s still a legit statement. 

Yesterday I met her and she asked that we take a ride to another project site. While In my vehicle she told me all about how she became a master electrician. That she was one of the first in the State of Michigan. I now had even more respect for her. Then she brought up her son. She said she saw him and he looks a ton better. I wanted to ask what’s going to happen? Will he go to Prison? Is he still in jail? Was the cocain his? Wtf? But there’s work and there’s personal life and as damning as it is I really try to keep them separate. Plus, I just had a crush on her son. I dreamt I’d marry him but honestly we’re not even “friends”. Yet somehow I’m remarkably sad that this has happened. 

We stopped back to her car and I kept talking to her, somehow managing to bring him back up and her to talk. I remember saying, “Is he…” I wasn’t even sure how I could finish the question, or which question to ask but luckily she knew. She looked me in the eyes and said point blank, “My son has had a cocain problem for sometime”. 

Immediatly I could feel my face contorting to a look of shock mixed with sorrow. I think I softly said, I didn’t know, while looking at the ground. She told me he’s still in jail, she won’t bail him out but things are looking good for him and he’s looking better. His mood has improved and he is more positive. He immediatly asked about his two small newphews. He perked up when she started talking about the project because that is his life and he loves it. 

She told me she doesn’t know when he got into it or how. That his girlfriend had a problem with alcohol and they had recently broken up. He went downhill from there. Then with him in Milwaukee. She just really wasn’t sure what happened. 

She looked me in the eye a few more times, almost trying to find the answers for herself if I was a user. I don’t remember what she was saying but it was more of a mothers look, are you in trouble? Did you start this trouble? I remember looking away and talking softly again saying how much he helped me understand his scope. That we were texting a lot. I knew he was in Milwaukee, he had told me. 

In the end she told me, she saw her son in there, the old personality, caring about his family and the business and not hallowed out and robotic. I told her I was really happy, really good to hear he’s doing well. She told me it would be a year before he’s back. He’s staying in jail then going to rehab. 

It was a good conversation. It was one that isn’t between contractor and their sub. But that’s how it’s been all along. I really like this family. Maybe more than I should. 

Maybe it wasnt a spooky haunted Friday the 13th. Or maybe it was. I just can’t spend a year thinking about the one guy who I clicked with so immediatly. The one I share so many interests with. The one who understands the stresses of my job. The one who we started a disagreement and both got slightly heated with a misunderstanding but quickly resolved it. The one who was nothing like my ex. The one who loves kids and wants a family now. The one who I can’t stop thinking about when he’d keep stealing glances at me during a meeting and said my name every single time he’d say goodbye. 

Fuck man.