Diets and cleaning

I refused to clean my house for my overnight guests last weekend. I attempted to bring someone home despite the mess. What’s going on here?

This weekend I slugged most of the weekend away. Giddily excited that I spoke to my crush but not excited enough to share any real news. I canceled yoga but actually got a hair cut. Will wonders ever cease?

I pseudo cleaned. Throwing things away, vacuuming and swiffering the floor. I made a mess of my kitchen counter but hey, the living room almost looks livable.

The diet was off the charts. All I wanted was to eat eat eat while picturing sun dresses and sunshine. I bought plane tickets to go to New Jersey. Princeton to be exact, in 2 months. Technically 3 months I guess. If I could drop 20 lbs in that time – I mean, could you imagine? I’d feel like I would be on top of the world. Instead I eat and eat and eat.

I bought salad and some veggies. Here’s to hoping I eat them. The more I eat the Nutrisystem dinners the more I dislike them. I’m thinking of quoting the auto purchase. Maybe still order breakfast and lunch. But the dinner options are just gross.

I’m hoping I can clean and keep the house clean. I’m hoping I might get that fun membership and really start working. I’m hoping I’ll find a cute guy and things will happen. I gotta stop relying on hope. It’s gotten my no where in the last decade.


March 2nd

I told myself on March 1st that it was a new month. A good time to focus on the diet. Then the option of getting bbq ribs for dinner happened and suddenly nothing else mattered.

Today I thought, it’s Friday! My manager left this morning and the Water guy was leaving by 3 pm. No dinners out and I could skip eating lunch with them. Well, the water guys flight was canceled. So we got steak for dinner.

Somehow my calories in weren’t super extreme. Mostly because I had only eaten 500 calories by dinner time. Leaving room for 1500 cal dinners.

My new month of frozen foods came along with some snacks and shakes I bought.

My weight is back up to 245, only 3 lbs down essentially in 3 weeks. Granted it’s been a busy 3 weeks with most days eating out.

Tomorrow I’ve already scheduled yoga. I’ve got a plan to clean the house and be ready for company. Though I have no company planned, I’d like to be ready for anything.

Taking a chance and a taco

I’ve been single for years. Read that, years.

I’ve been depressed, full of anxiety and excuses. Lately though, my depression seems to have holes through it, like a moth-hole ridden sweater. The sun shines through and my confidence has risen. I walk around imagining guys staring at my ass or stealing peaks at my breasts. I look in the mirror and the vision of my younger, skinner self is met with the obese, while curvy, chunky, awkward body that is reality.

I’ve attracted guys lately, maybe for longer but it’s hard to acknowledge sometimes. Do they see my curves, red lips, blonde hair and confidence as a turn on? I don’t know but something is there and it’s still working. Not as hard as it use to but it’s there. I don’t really get it. I imagine they see me as skinny but I look in the mirror and wonder, what are they seeing? Let’s be honest, while more “plus size” models are getting coverage, they still have a label. There’s still TV shows with waifs of women but a show with an obese woman is comedy relief or plays the role of sad, fat girl. There’s no overly confident obese girl who has it all in the dating world. It’s still labeled a comedy if it is out there.

That self doubt is courtesy of my married friends who hint that I’ve gained too much weight and my ex, basically everything about me couldn’t attract a guy, or him for that matter. I surround myself with lovely people. (That was sarcasm)

First there was electron telling me I was smart and beautiful. Granted all he ever asked was to sleep with me. He promised me a date but we never got that far. This year there was the Canadian sales person from my regional meeting. Hot, well dressed, tall, smothering me with compliments, seeking me out, buying me drinks, asking me to go out dancing with him… I found out later he was married with a small child soooo hmmm. Next we have the finance corporate guy from my company. While I was obviously swept up with the tall Canadian, he stayed later than anyone else, talking about life, our jobs then took me to get a taco. The taco shop was closed, as it was 2 am and we went to our respected homes/hotel. Granted with that he was asking me questions around my job and what I could do to benefit his job. Hmmm

Ok. Perhaps these guys aren’t great examples. Obviously I’m still single and none have actually led to a date or a boyfriend. Is it me though? Electron I told no, though I wanted to say yes badly, mostly because I was intimidated but also because of my job. With him I left it very open, I appreciated the offer but had to turn him down. The Canadian, I wanted to go dancing with him but I had pulled a muscle in my leg and was limping badly. I couldn’t dance. I was thankful Finance guy was there. And Finance guy, well, he lives in Milwaukee. I was only there for that night.

Now, long story short, this finance guy. He’s younger than me, typical good looking mid-western guy, nothing over the top amazing but he is cute; he deals with people above me. I report to them, they report to him, he reports up the chain to someone else. So he’s not my boss or supervisor at all. He just crunches numbers to report to stock holders or whomever. My job, one of a zillion across the US and Canada; well since he met me, any extra dollars I pull in, he has sent an email thanking me. This is not typical. As, the report doesn’t come from me. It comes from my boss, Finance guy just knows it’s my project because we’ve talked about it.

So this month, only the second month since we met, I decide to flirt back. I sent him an email saying I’m still waiting for a taco, (remember we went to grab a taco but the place was closed). It’s not even technically flirting is it? It’s just asking for a taco. I meant it as flirting, but text is all in the way you read it as to the actual inflection that someone intended with it. I wavered for a minute before sending. Could it be harassment, could it be inappropriate, should I not email corporate? Should I steer clear of inter-company… what? What does/could it mean that I’m waiting for a taco. Some sort of sexual innuendo?

Here I am. Putting my career over flirting, or even just initiating friendship or merely the discussion of lunch? I don’t know. Overthinking what rights I have or the lack there of in a man’s work force. Would I be so intimidated in any other career? I dunno. But I work with nothing but men. All of my superiors, anyone up the ladder that I deal with, all men. For that matter almost all people down the ladder from me are men too. In my region I am the only female in my position, in North America there may be 7-10 females in my role compared to 150+ men. I’m assuming these stats but I know in all of Canada there are 3 females in my role.

The only place I meet guys are through work. I’ve always kept this arms distance, flirt then flee. Don’t be caught being human. Live, sweat, cry, loose hair, gain weight and stress the fuck out for your job but lord forbid, find happiness. So, with a confident push of my buttonless phone I hit send on the two sentence email and waited.

I didn’t wait long. My supervisor told me, Mike is visiting the job next week with Gary. My jaw dropped, What?! I brought it up a few times. How? Why? That wasn’t his role. He didn’t visit projects. He crunches numbers at corporate. While I went through in my head the outfits I might wear while he visited and weather or not I should be vigilant about cleaning my house for a sleepover… do you think it would go there? Gosh I don’t know… I got an email back, “That’s Fair! We will have to address that at some point.” Not flirty, or harmful. Just tacos. In the most corporate, politically correct way ever.

We called Gary who said he had word from Mike that he couldn’t come up. Hmmph.

But, there it was. A simple harmless email about tacos. Each of us only wrote two sentences and I was giddy all day.

It’s nothing really. I eat meals with work people when they visit, often. I don’t generally hang out one on one after drinking at 2 am but, it seemed harmless.

I think the point is, I took a chance. A chance I overthought, I debated, I weighed, I finally said fuck it and did. It was two sentences and neither were shocking. But I did it. I got a pleasant, positive, though possibly a interminable response.

These are the things you celebrate when you believe you are incapable of being more than single. Even a date can seem like a fluke. Online dating is a constant let down when you aren’t as attractive as they may have believed you to be. There’s always a hotter picture someone else has out there to ponder over.

So, with another 4 days of failed diet, my friends in town and then a work trip and work people in town, I need to remember this feeling. Remember the urgency of cleaning my house. The motivation to drop some pounds, for health, clothing fitting and yes, for attractiveness.

This is where I’m at. A sun ray of light shining into my shaded room of self doubt, with a simple sentence about a taco.

Diet day 10

I realize yesterday my title was Day 8. I had completed 8 days but today is actually day 10.

It’s 4:52 pm and I’m existing on 500 calories. I usually eat more for just breakfast. I’m not attempting to be this strict. I’ve just been so insanely busy that I haven’t eaten much. Feast or famine, I swear.

Work is extremely busy, stressful and busy. Im currently managing a 28 million dollar project and attempting to complete a 5 million State job, in another State. It’s the most work and different type of work I’ve ever done and sometimes I feel like I’m barely keeping my head above water. Eating is my release, my friend, my confidant. It tells no one if I eat two meals plus dessert. It can be with me at most times. It travels with me- that is I pick up fast food and eat it in the car.

Now I’m learning portion size. When I saw the snack size portions I thought, wtf is this? I’m slowly realizing this is normal. I would eat 2 huge chicken breasts and not think twice because I didn’t add anything to it. Now I eat a trail bar and 2 cups of veggies and realize it’s all I need. It’s kind of a bizarre concept compared to a 2 cheese burger meal with Extra large fries and still being hungry.

You really have to live it to experience it and the motivation to stick to it is really the biggest hurdle. Hearing someone say, I just was too busy to eat enough usually makes me want to punch people in the face. I’m sorry if it’s my imaginary face you want to punch while reading this. It’s only day 10. Check back and see if I’m still feeling it on day 30. They say habits form after 30 days. Time will tell.

Ps. My current weight loss goal is 28 lbs, after that 20 more and if possible another 20 and then another 20. My ideal weight (for me) is 160lbs. That would be a total of 88 lbs to loose. Currently I’d be pumped as shit to get to 200, but 180 would be even sweeter. In the past 7 years the best I’ve done is 26lbs before I faltered. I’ll do better this time. 🙂

Diet day 8

It’s a fucked up thing, standing on the scale. Last week I dined out 5 days. Logging my meals I’ve gone as low as 1200 calories and as high as 3500 calories. I’m very inactive and my weight fluctuates between 238-248.

I started at 248 lbs. Granted I’m sure I’ve been bloated as I’m horrible about hydration and I don’t eat many veggies or fruits typically. I’m also on girl times which can cause a weight fluctuation. Even so I’m down 6 lbs somehow. It’s a huge exciting thing to see! Until I’m over a month in and over 10lbs down I won’t celebrate too much. 6 lbs in 8 days! No wonder I’m so tired. My body had no idea how to deal with this new diet!

Birthdays and diets

Featured photo: the amount of granola I can eat for breakfast. And no, this isn’t an oversized bowl.

I’m officially 38, as of yesterday but whatevs. I wasn’t carded last night but I told the bartender it was my bday and he asked how old. I said 38 and he made me give him my ID to prove it. The look of shock on his face made me feel good enough.

On to the diet!

Yesterday I stayed home and tried to eat my Nutrisystem diet. The food has all been tasty, and mostly filling. But yesterday I started my period and let’s be real, I could eat for days. Also it was my birthday.

Technically the diet was supposed to start 7 days ago. But work and dining out and drinking… I’m not good at dieting obviously. I’d like to think I at least saved some calories with the pre-made breakfast rather than eating that meal out too!

Yesterday I saw it was the last day of a seafood sale and I bought myself a lobster tail and some shrimp. I also made some homemade hummus. I stuffed myself for dinner and had 3 sweet cocktails last night.

Today is my first day of official diet, the first time I’ll try one of the pre-made dinners. I bought a bunch of veggies as I’m required to eat 4 servings per day, which is typically 4 more than I eat a day. I thought to eat the least filling or foods I think I might not enjoy as much, to eat on the weekend. Today was granola and I was allowed 1/2 c of fat free milk. Instead I bought 2%. If you see the photo, I’m used to filling this bowl with cereal. This looks more like a dusting in the bowl. How will these portion sizes fill me up? It’s a total new way I need to think, eat to live not live to eat. That’s a tough one.

Part of me thinks I should follow the diet exactly and start dropping weight, stop making excuses. Part of me thinks baby steps because poor habits never die. Let’s see how today goes. I need to read more about the program. The first week is far more strict- which is more so going to happen this week instead. The program says you might not see the same weight loss results if you mix things up. My hope is for steady and slow. 1-2 lbs per week.

Here we go

Diet day 3

Wednesday: I haven’t dieted since lunch on Monday… but hey it was a great thought.

Monday I was so good. I brought my food to work with me. I ate it though I can’t say I enjoyed it. I had good intentions then co-workers happened.

It’s rare that I am around co-workers. I am a Manager of other companies, not my own employees. I manage projects, I manage other companies, I just don’t manage employees. So, I never see people from my company except if they are mechanics, but then we are still from a different branch of the company; while I am their superior, we aren’t exactly co-workers either? Its confusing.

This week two sales guys, my superior (but not my boss, again confusing!) and a field expert were in town. We went out Monday night and had a night on the booze. Diet day 1 fail.

Tuesday I was slightly hung over and got a sandwich for breakfast, then lunch with co-workers, then dinner with co-workers. Today was Valentines day and Fuck being alone! I got lunch with my intern, then talked the field expert and my lighting guy out to dinner. Happy V-day to me – paid for by work. Diet day 2 and 3 – BUST!

My stomach is very large right now. I feel more full than I should with all meals being eaten out and to my breaking point for about 2 weeks now.

I have my nutrisystem – I even ate something for breakfast today but I keep eating out – and not healthy mind you! Friday night is the dog sled races and Saturday is my bday. I’d like to do something fun! Currently being able to sleep in and clean my house sound like better ideas though.

Tomorrow I’m going to attempt the diet – but not the turbo week – I’m going to save that for my second week. This week is so jacked already and you’re not supposed to eat out at all the first week. I believe after the first week you can exchange a meal here or there.

Also I am kind of excited to not being eating out or buying food for a bit. I’d really like to pay down some credit cards that are racking up again. Amazon is at $1000, Best Buy is just under $2,000 and I just spent $1,000 on my car repairs on a credit card. Every month I over withdraw and my savings account is shrinking which makes me very nervous. If I can keep my savings without an overdraft and pay down the credit cards – it will help. But $4,000 is going to take some time. Also the student loans and mortgage. My plan was to snowball all my accounts and be paying double on my car payment to get rid of that but these damn credit cards keep piling up. It’s my own fault. I have 4 items in my Amazon shopping cart that I have refused to hit send. Just one hormonal click away of more things I can’t afford.

If I could only curb my spending and eating – but then what will I spend my time doing?!? (that is sarcasm as my job is stressing me to the maximum currently)

Lets see what happens. The sales people are gone, the lighting guy leaves tomorrow and my supervisor left today. No one but the water guy to go out with tomorrow and guess what – I’m not going out with him.

Let’s see how a full day of dieting works for me tomorrow. God save us all.

Diet. Day 1

Featured photo: my breakfast with a computer mouse for size.

Nutrisystem Turbo week. Day 1. For the next 7 days I’ll only be allowed 1000 calories per day. Basically starve yourself for 1 week and notice results! Shocking. Sigh.

I can eat some veggies. God save me.

So far I’m 30 minutes in with no complaints. Let’s see where it gets me. I still have black coffee and my water bottle so life isn’t all bad. To be fair the muffin was tasty, dense and again, no complaints. Meal 1- sufficient.

I packed a loaded baked potato bowl and turbo bar and shake. I’m keeping those to sustain me through the later hours. I assume I’ll be cranky as my body realizes I’m not just stressed, I’m abusing it on purpose.

Stay tuned. #stillhopefull. 😉

A diet for 38

Featured Photo: sunset in the rear view mirror

I haven’t been dieting or exercising and shocker… I haven’t been losing weight.

I hate myself in photos. I get anxiety thinking about dating. I’m terrified of becoming diabetic or having a heart attack and lets be real, what is the solution to most of these issues? Lose weight.

I’m 5’9″ and curvey af. But that doesn’t change the fact that I’m almost 250 lbs.

I thought I was fat in high school at 160. I thought I was fat in college at 200. Now I just need to realize I’m god damn obese and need to knock this shit out.

I’ve joined the gym and not gone, I’ve joined weight watchers, lost almost 20 lbs then quit. I started Slim Fast, almost lost 15 then quit. I’ve joined yoga and not gone. I’ve made every excuse and failed to accept reality. Im lazy and without motivation.

So I’ve turned to Nutrisystem. I paid $300 for a month of pre-made meals. I can’t get take-out cuz Ill have a meal at home. I can’t say I’m too tired to cook or without time, they are already made. I can’t whine about not eating lunch since I can bring it with me. How can I fuck this up?

Well. My birthday is this weekend.

But beyond that. I better fucking eat this food for the next damn month and save some money on not eating out.

I just need to buy some veggies. Do-able right?

The portions are TINY. I just spent the weekend with friends and I ate each day til my belly hurt then still said yes to any food put in front of me.

I’m coming off of a food binge so I’m curious how my body will react to the snack size portions.

The year of 37 is almost coming to a close. Less than a week. I decided to keep this blog going, just mention that it’s a year extended.

Let’s see how cranky I can get with this new diet. 🙃

Another Tuesday

Somehow it’s February. My resolutions are all but shattered remnants of hopes and dreams. My crush is back and that’s given me a hope and good thoughts of a clean slate with just enough lack in faith to fall into old ruts.

The house is dirty, my car is a mess, I haven’t worked out and I ate guacamole and bacon for dinner tonight. I signed up for Nutrisystem. They send me food and I don’t bother with shopping or cooking. Let’s recap, I made guacamole and microwaved bacon for dinner. I haven’t gotten any do I don’t know if it’s good yet.

The crush is in town tomorrow night. He’ll be around Thursday. Told me today he’d be in town for a week, but I’m leaving. Fate- you evil bitch.

Granted who’s to say we would even see each other potentially this weekend but you can’t see each other if you aren’t in the same town. Insert frowny face.

It’s all I’ve got right now. But at least I can look forward to a weekend with friends. That will be exciting.