Back to the gym

I hired a personal trainer 5 or 6 weeks ago?

I finally said – I need to make a change and someone is going to help me do it! I need to stop bringing up my ex, but I will. He ridiculed everything I did. I didn’t exercise hard enough – it was worthless. I didn’t eat healthy enough, it was worthless. I was worthless and over and over again until I believed it.

This time it would be someone to inspire me. To tell me I was awesome, I could do it and they believed in me. This time I would pay them to be there for me and I didn’t feel bad about it.

I did my first session and geared up to go again in a week. I showed up and she was with someone else. WTF I thought we had a plan. Nope, she scheduled with someone else and pretended that I was wrong. I gave her the benefit of the doubt and scheduled 2 days later. I hadn’t been to the gym since we met – I only needed to go twice. TWO TIMES and I didn’t do that.

I had all the excuses, I cleaned the house, I was tired, I made dinner, I raked leaves. So we did our first session, everything hurt and I was dying. Truth be told everything did hurt and I came down with a miserable cold.

Fast forward a week of bed and I canceled our next session. I was congested and in bed. Fast forward one more week and she was shocked to see me – 2 weeks and I still hadn’t been to the gym on my own. She made me sweat and burn and almost cry but I did 50 minutes of punishment.

Now its 4 days later and I finally made myself go to the GYM! I got home from work at 5 pm and told myself- let the dog out then out to the Gym! But my phone was dying, and my I watch was dying – how would I track my workout. I let them charge and took a few bites of raw pie crust from the package – its basically like raw cookie dough – bad for you and tempting. Don’t worry about it – maybe its just me. Anyway, I did this I did that and I stalled. 6:30 and I said GO TO THE FINGING GYM ALREADY. As I got in my car I thought about how I could not go. How I didn’t want to go . How I hated going.

My mind went dark and even walking up to the door I was upset to be there.

I got going on the workout she scheduled for me on our off time. 5 minutes to start – 5 minutes I told myself I wish I stayed at home. The rest of the machines were weight machines and not so bad – then to finish 20 minutes on the eplictical. 20 Freaking Minutes. I started and never knew how i would finish. I thought about quitting, just stepping down and going home. As I continued though I slowly thought how it wasn’t that bad. Why did my brain get so dark. Why did I think it would be so awful. In the end I felt good, I accomplished something. I thought about how I could continue and melt away the lbs. How I could wear clothes that I felt good in. How I might get a boyfriend by having the confidence in believing he thought I looked hot.

I thought about the guy I have a crush on, the guy that I might see on Friday for drinks. The guy I hoped could see past the 100 lbs of fat on my body and know I was a pretty rad person. I thought about how if I had just started this earlier this year, maybe I’d already be that hot babe that he wanted.

Yea yea yea I know don’t lose weight for a guy but you know what? It’s my motivation and I’ll take any I can get. Maybe I don’t get that guy – but if I get any guy that will be the guy for me. That will be the guy of my motivation.

I feel good. Now I need to clean this house. I’d really like to bring someone back with me for a cuddle on Friday. I’m thankful I should have my period and can’t have sex with anyone but I’d be down for a boy in my bed. It’s been too long.

I also ate a salad today, yesterday and I’m making one for tomorrow.

I need to prep some oatmeal for breakfast too. I’m really hoping these small steps can last. I’m not eating totally healthy but if I make my meals I can save money and calories by not eating out. I also am eating salads and I had a bottle of water. Baby steps to healthy. It’s the only way I do things.

Yet again, Good luck to me.

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Insanity

In the last month I’ve had several people drop their jaw as I explained, “I’m older than most people think; I’m 38.”

I’ve always been told I look younger than I am but now the reactions seem mind blowing.

While I appreciate I still have a youthful appearance and I’d only hope to have just as youthful personality and energy, but what is it that makes people disbelieve so much? Is 38 a step in the grave, should I look more like the crypt keeper? Why is it so shocking for me to be 38. Certainly 37 didn’t seem to be a reason to exclaim, “You’ve aged well!”

Wtf, I’m aged now? Am I a cheese or wine?

The other day I heard, “you look incredible for your age”!

Do people typically look horrible when they turn 38? I mean, the compliments are nice, but the shock is disheartening. It’s only making me feel older.

My crush thought I was 26. Many others said they’d agree.

Things are weird currently. I can tell it’s hanging over me. I’ve spent over a $1,000 shopping in the last week.

I lost 20 lbs- I hit 229, then I binged on food and booze and hit 240 a week later. The body is a cruel bitch. Regardless I’m wearing my size 16 jeans. They are tight as hell but I can zip them and that’s all that matters. I started my diet again and suddenly I started shopping. Blowing $80 on makeup. I have endless make up. $150 or more on 4 pairs of shoes. Because better to buy 3 pairs of rain boots and return one rather than buy one at a time. Also a pair of wedges for vacation.

I bought $400 + on work outfits online, well tops and jeans. Who knows if they will fit. Then I went to the store and spent $200 on a vacuum and bras. I just ordered $200 of clothes from Target. I bought some shirts and a mug from the college I attended. I purchased new music and a ringtone for my phone. I went to TJMaxx and found $25 shampoo and petsmart for a $50 cat tree. What’s wrong with me?

I had a dream I was in an insane asylum. I attempted to explain that I was sane but they stuck me full of drug filled syringes. I felt my brain begin to melt. I was out of the asylum with my coworkers, as Dreams always seem to leave out important segways, and the town I live in had been bombed. Buildings were on fire, rubble littered the street and the police were announcing to evacuate downtown. I wanted to see my dog, see if he was ok but I couldn’t. Next I know we’re back at the asylum. I had to go back to the asylum to self commit. I was handed a paper and told my boss, you take this. He said no. You deal with it. I attempted to quickly explain I couldn’t have anything f with me when I committed. He said I needed to figure it out. – well if that isn’t life, eh?

Do I feel like I’m loosing it. That my hometown is now a war zone because of this job. Things are too close and just too far away from home. I’m loosing mind

Yea. That might be spot on.

I don’t know what’s happening. I’m ready to date and I’m not. I erased all my dating profiles. I had a drink with another work person, then stalked him online. After seeing that a certain girl “lived” at his address I quickly internet searched her. Seems perhaps that they dated a few years back. But I honestly can’t tell if they are currently dating. My mind went to rage as I remembered my crush was downstate with his baby mama/ fiancé and I realized why I had a dream I was committed.

I need to find my chill.

A success

I don’t know how to explain it. I’m stressed by work, I’m ignoring my personal life, again, and I’m excited and happy and sad and… sigh.

I got my period early. I didn’t have my typical roller coaster of emotions, I just got it, 3-5 days earlier than expected. So be it. But I expected to have a wall of tears and sadness. I didn’t.

I did get drunk on Friday and spent my Saturday hungover and pathetic. I did, however, purchase new flooring for the living room. The thought of home renovations got me excited. What can I say, I love Construction, like love it. I love doing things myself and boasting , however insignificant, or even however half-ass, hey I did it.

I did not go to the gym but I got a walk with my dog in, that counts. Tomorrow is my first personal training day. I’ve been averaging 1500 calories, randomly throwing in drinks or take out but over all I’ve been ricking this diet business. Today I hopped on the scale and it read 229- 229 lbs!!!! That’s 20lbs, 20lbs since February!!!

The excitement and joy was excellent!

I said all I wanted to lose 20lbs but honestly I want to see 220. After that I want to see 200.

Im already wearing tighter shirts with a touch more skin. Today I curled the ends of my hair. No one commented but I felt good. I bought more clothes and I’m thinking of ordering them in a smaller size. I’ve been wearing XxL but slowly moving to XL. And if I could get down to a L will be my dream.

So it was a slow start, but it’s happening. 20 lbs!!! I want to scream from the roof top!

The next day.

I feel ill. I think exercise has made me ill, plus my ridiculous dehydration, I think I left my water bottle at the gym. 😦

More than likely my coworker, who has a cold, gave it to me. But I like to blame exercise. I only slept 5 hours, I forgot to eat dinner, so yea, I’m a prime candidate for a cold right now.

Today I took pictures in a bra and g-string. It wasn’t flattering. It was down right gross. I think I look ok with my clothes on but ekk! I haven’t seen the amount of rolls on my back, the squareness of my ass or the bumpy lumpy thighs and hips. My stomach has begun to expand and start to hang.

It was a pleasant reminder of why I want to motivate myself. Eat well and exercise, you’ll drop weight and tighten up all the lumps and bumps that aren’t in the right places. 70 lbs is the goal. But for now , I think I’ll take a nap.

And I get back up… eventually

So. I was dealt a blow. I had made up a dream scenario in my head of my perfectly ever after. Today, after being teased for 3 months that it could come true, after really talking about things for a year. (No we weren’t involved but there was flirting, and obviously complications because of work). Even other people telling me it would … it was burst. “I’m getting married cuz I’m having a baby”.

Awesome. So glad to hear you’re in love. So nice that you’ve never bothered to mention her name or even that there was a her. It was a smack across my face. Here I was thinking Disney Fairy Tales while you’re apparently in your own or, you know, need to be married so your child isn’t born in sin. Whatever.

Obviously I’m hurt. I stuck my neck out for this guy. Tried to stand up for him when others didn’t. Wanted to protect him and be there for him. I wanted to be his everything but he was giving that to someone else while flirting with me.

What hurts the most is my friends were right. Here’s the second guy I’ve opened my wounded heart to, only to have him crush it again. It’s more than a crush, and it’s less than obsessive. He told me I was beautiful. It’s silly and small but it was the first compliment that felt sincere and special since my ex crushed my spirit.

I was reduced to rubble and barely getting by. Depression is hard. Feeling worthless not only because you can’t see the sun when it’s shining, but when you’ve been told for so long that you’re nothing and no one will ever want you, it becomes truth. It becomes you. It’s as if nothing ever mattered before or will again. That’s mental and emotional abuse and until you (hopefully never) experience it, you’ll never understand how much damage it does. How much pain and weight it carries. If it was physical abuse I would have needed a hospital stay and should have been in years of rehab. Instead I tried to heal myself, or really just shelter myself from the world.

I gained 50 lbs, quit doing the things I loved. Lived in a trash can of my house and just let my world slowly unravel. Day by day things were easier but some days the weight got harder, the day grew darker and the sun wouldn’t rise. But I saw the words, you’re beautiful and smart. Someone saw value in me. Someone looked at me with longing. It wasn’t over night magic. I didn’t believe it. He couldn’t be talking about me. But he was. Over and over I played it out in my head. But I couldn’t accept. It was work related. I needed to stay at arms length and be professional.

But … yet again, I pushed away and they get married to someone else. This is the second time. The first I was still with my ex. I broke it off and kicked him out of the house but he came back, told me he’d make it right. Told me all the things I longed for him to say. Then after he snarled me in his web the abuse started again. At that point my potential suitor was gone.

Tonight, I went to the gym. I did an assessment and lifted more weights than I assumed I could. I was told I don’t need to lose as much weight as I assumed- over 60lbs but not 100 as I thought. I told her I wanted a trainer. Someone to hold me accountable. To shame me and make me feel guilt. But honestly I want, and desperately need someone to tell me I’m good, that I can do it and do it well. I need encouragement and praise. I need to feel worthy and whole. I need to be able to accept that my ex abused me and people, not just one person and enter my heart and mind and soul. I can love again and I don’t have to imagine it. I just need to believe in it. That’s the hardest part. Believing in myself, standing up for myself and loving myself. I really need to start day dreaming about me. Being there for me.

Diets and cleaning

I refused to clean my house for my overnight guests last weekend. I attempted to bring someone home despite the mess. What’s going on here?

This weekend I slugged most of the weekend away. Giddily excited that I spoke to my crush but not excited enough to share any real news. I canceled yoga but actually got a hair cut. Will wonders ever cease?

I pseudo cleaned. Throwing things away, vacuuming and swiffering the floor. I made a mess of my kitchen counter but hey, the living room almost looks livable.

The diet was off the charts. All I wanted was to eat eat eat while picturing sun dresses and sunshine. I bought plane tickets to go to New Jersey. Princeton to be exact, in 2 months. Technically 3 months I guess. If I could drop 20 lbs in that time – I mean, could you imagine? I’d feel like I would be on top of the world. Instead I eat and eat and eat.

I bought salad and some veggies. Here’s to hoping I eat them. The more I eat the Nutrisystem dinners the more I dislike them. I’m thinking of quoting the auto purchase. Maybe still order breakfast and lunch. But the dinner options are just gross.

I’m hoping I can clean and keep the house clean. I’m hoping I might get that fun membership and really start working. I’m hoping I’ll find a cute guy and things will happen. I gotta stop relying on hope. It’s gotten my no where in the last decade.

March 2nd

I told myself on March 1st that it was a new month. A good time to focus on the diet. Then the option of getting bbq ribs for dinner happened and suddenly nothing else mattered.

Today I thought, it’s Friday! My manager left this morning and the Water guy was leaving by 3 pm. No dinners out and I could skip eating lunch with them. Well, the water guys flight was canceled. So we got steak for dinner.

Somehow my calories in weren’t super extreme. Mostly because I had only eaten 500 calories by dinner time. Leaving room for 1500 cal dinners.

My new month of frozen foods came along with some snacks and shakes I bought.

My weight is back up to 245, only 3 lbs down essentially in 3 weeks. Granted it’s been a busy 3 weeks with most days eating out.

Tomorrow I’ve already scheduled yoga. I’ve got a plan to clean the house and be ready for company. Though I have no company planned, I’d like to be ready for anything.

Taking a chance and a taco

I’ve been single for years. Read that, years.

I’ve been depressed, full of anxiety and excuses. Lately though, my depression seems to have holes through it, like a moth-hole ridden sweater. The sun shines through and my confidence has risen. I walk around imagining guys staring at my ass or stealing peaks at my breasts. I look in the mirror and the vision of my younger, skinner self is met with the obese, while curvy, chunky, awkward body that is reality.

I’ve attracted guys lately, maybe for longer but it’s hard to acknowledge sometimes. Do they see my curves, red lips, blonde hair and confidence as a turn on? I don’t know but something is there and it’s still working. Not as hard as it use to but it’s there. I don’t really get it. I imagine they see me as skinny but I look in the mirror and wonder, what are they seeing? Let’s be honest, while more “plus size” models are getting coverage, they still have a label. There’s still TV shows with waifs of women but a show with an obese woman is comedy relief or plays the role of sad, fat girl. There’s no overly confident obese girl who has it all in the dating world. It’s still labeled a comedy if it is out there.

That self doubt is courtesy of my married friends who hint that I’ve gained too much weight and my ex, basically everything about me couldn’t attract a guy, or him for that matter. I surround myself with lovely people. (That was sarcasm)

First there was electron telling me I was smart and beautiful. Granted all he ever asked was to sleep with me. He promised me a date but we never got that far. This year there was the Canadian sales person from my regional meeting. Hot, well dressed, tall, smothering me with compliments, seeking me out, buying me drinks, asking me to go out dancing with him… I found out later he was married with a small child soooo hmmm. Next we have the finance corporate guy from my company. While I was obviously swept up with the tall Canadian, he stayed later than anyone else, talking about life, our jobs then took me to get a taco. The taco shop was closed, as it was 2 am and we went to our respected homes/hotel. Granted with that he was asking me questions around my job and what I could do to benefit his job. Hmmm

Ok. Perhaps these guys aren’t great examples. Obviously I’m still single and none have actually led to a date or a boyfriend. Is it me though? Electron I told no, though I wanted to say yes badly, mostly because I was intimidated but also because of my job. With him I left it very open, I appreciated the offer but had to turn him down. The Canadian, I wanted to go dancing with him but I had pulled a muscle in my leg and was limping badly. I couldn’t dance. I was thankful Finance guy was there. And Finance guy, well, he lives in Milwaukee. I was only there for that night.

Now, long story short, this finance guy. He’s younger than me, typical good looking mid-western guy, nothing over the top amazing but he is cute; he deals with people above me. I report to them, they report to him, he reports up the chain to someone else. So he’s not my boss or supervisor at all. He just crunches numbers to report to stock holders or whomever. My job, one of a zillion across the US and Canada; well since he met me, any extra dollars I pull in, he has sent an email thanking me. This is not typical. As, the report doesn’t come from me. It comes from my boss, Finance guy just knows it’s my project because we’ve talked about it.

So this month, only the second month since we met, I decide to flirt back. I sent him an email saying I’m still waiting for a taco, (remember we went to grab a taco but the place was closed). It’s not even technically flirting is it? It’s just asking for a taco. I meant it as flirting, but text is all in the way you read it as to the actual inflection that someone intended with it. I wavered for a minute before sending. Could it be harassment, could it be inappropriate, should I not email corporate? Should I steer clear of inter-company… what? What does/could it mean that I’m waiting for a taco. Some sort of sexual innuendo?

Here I am. Putting my career over flirting, or even just initiating friendship or merely the discussion of lunch? I don’t know. Overthinking what rights I have or the lack there of in a man’s work force. Would I be so intimidated in any other career? I dunno. But I work with nothing but men. All of my superiors, anyone up the ladder that I deal with, all men. For that matter almost all people down the ladder from me are men too. In my region I am the only female in my position, in North America there may be 7-10 females in my role compared to 150+ men. I’m assuming these stats but I know in all of Canada there are 3 females in my role.

The only place I meet guys are through work. I’ve always kept this arms distance, flirt then flee. Don’t be caught being human. Live, sweat, cry, loose hair, gain weight and stress the fuck out for your job but lord forbid, find happiness. So, with a confident push of my buttonless phone I hit send on the two sentence email and waited.

I didn’t wait long. My supervisor told me, Mike is visiting the job next week with Gary. My jaw dropped, What?! I brought it up a few times. How? Why? That wasn’t his role. He didn’t visit projects. He crunches numbers at corporate. While I went through in my head the outfits I might wear while he visited and weather or not I should be vigilant about cleaning my house for a sleepover… do you think it would go there? Gosh I don’t know… I got an email back, “That’s Fair! We will have to address that at some point.” Not flirty, or harmful. Just tacos. In the most corporate, politically correct way ever.

We called Gary who said he had word from Mike that he couldn’t come up. Hmmph.

But, there it was. A simple harmless email about tacos. Each of us only wrote two sentences and I was giddy all day.

It’s nothing really. I eat meals with work people when they visit, often. I don’t generally hang out one on one after drinking at 2 am but, it seemed harmless.

I think the point is, I took a chance. A chance I overthought, I debated, I weighed, I finally said fuck it and did. It was two sentences and neither were shocking. But I did it. I got a pleasant, positive, though possibly a interminable response.

These are the things you celebrate when you believe you are incapable of being more than single. Even a date can seem like a fluke. Online dating is a constant let down when you aren’t as attractive as they may have believed you to be. There’s always a hotter picture someone else has out there to ponder over.

So, with another 4 days of failed diet, my friends in town and then a work trip and work people in town, I need to remember this feeling. Remember the urgency of cleaning my house. The motivation to drop some pounds, for health, clothing fitting and yes, for attractiveness.

This is where I’m at. A sun ray of light shining into my shaded room of self doubt, with a simple sentence about a taco.

Diet day 10

I realize yesterday my title was Day 8. I had completed 8 days but today is actually day 10.

It’s 4:52 pm and I’m existing on 500 calories. I usually eat more for just breakfast. I’m not attempting to be this strict. I’ve just been so insanely busy that I haven’t eaten much. Feast or famine, I swear.

Work is extremely busy, stressful and busy. Im currently managing a 28 million dollar project and attempting to complete a 5 million State job, in another State. It’s the most work and different type of work I’ve ever done and sometimes I feel like I’m barely keeping my head above water. Eating is my release, my friend, my confidant. It tells no one if I eat two meals plus dessert. It can be with me at most times. It travels with me- that is I pick up fast food and eat it in the car.

Now I’m learning portion size. When I saw the snack size portions I thought, wtf is this? I’m slowly realizing this is normal. I would eat 2 huge chicken breasts and not think twice because I didn’t add anything to it. Now I eat a trail bar and 2 cups of veggies and realize it’s all I need. It’s kind of a bizarre concept compared to a 2 cheese burger meal with Extra large fries and still being hungry.

You really have to live it to experience it and the motivation to stick to it is really the biggest hurdle. Hearing someone say, I just was too busy to eat enough usually makes me want to punch people in the face. I’m sorry if it’s my imaginary face you want to punch while reading this. It’s only day 10. Check back and see if I’m still feeling it on day 30. They say habits form after 30 days. Time will tell.

Ps. My current weight loss goal is 28 lbs, after that 20 more and if possible another 20 and then another 20. My ideal weight (for me) is 160lbs. That would be a total of 88 lbs to loose. Currently I’d be pumped as shit to get to 200, but 180 would be even sweeter. In the past 7 years the best I’ve done is 26lbs before I faltered. I’ll do better this time. 🙂

Diet day 8

It’s a fucked up thing, standing on the scale. Last week I dined out 5 days. Logging my meals I’ve gone as low as 1200 calories and as high as 3500 calories. I’m very inactive and my weight fluctuates between 238-248.

I started at 248 lbs. Granted I’m sure I’ve been bloated as I’m horrible about hydration and I don’t eat many veggies or fruits typically. I’m also on girl times which can cause a weight fluctuation. Even so I’m down 6 lbs somehow. It’s a huge exciting thing to see! Until I’m over a month in and over 10lbs down I won’t celebrate too much. 6 lbs in 8 days! No wonder I’m so tired. My body had no idea how to deal with this new diet!