Step one

Featured photo: a scenic stop sign

I should look but I’m sure I’ve said step one multiple times before. But let’s cut to the chase, I signed up for a yoga class tomorrow. 

I love yoga and it often helps me build my core, build strength, add flexibility, want to eat better and work out more and I lose weight. Plus it’s a great stress reliever and helps with my lower back pain. 

Lately, my always-regular periods have been out of whack. My back pain has been increasing. My moods have been shaky too. I can’t keep my house clean, often stressing that it’s so messy I can’t even handle it. I’ve been eating and shopping to cope with my stress. Never a good option. 

So a next step. The class is scheduled for tomorrow. I have to go now. No excuses. 

I need a focal point. I need structure to my life. I need a change. Today I ate ice cream and Halloween candy all day. I took the dog for a walk but otherwise I watched tv. I spent $200 between beauty products and bed sheets. I’m not managing my life as much as I’m just trying to escape it. 

This job is intense. It’s big and complex and I’m not prepared. Add in the fact that I got emotionally connected to a person I met three times and spoke on the phone a ton, and I’m just kinda falling apart. My friends aren’t around as much. Attempting to make new ones has been difficult. Online dating is getting me nowhere. Granted, I’m not giving it all my might. I’m not saying it’s worthless. It’s just another battle in my struggle that I’m finding a touch overwhelming at the moment. 

But. Yoga. Tomorrow. I’m very proud I hit schedule. I hate trying new things alone but I’m fed up and I need to start pushing my comfort zone for a healthy change. My body doesn’t make me happy. And I fear that my doctor will tell me if I don’t lose the weight that I’ll become diabetic. I don’t want that. 

I’ll admit another reason. It’s guys. My friends made fun of me for wearing a hoodie and T-shirt to the bar. It was really upsetting. But what am I supposed to wear? A dress? A snug top fitted to my rolls? 

It’s bad enough several work tops don’t fit. They have shrunk or I’ve just gotten too fat.  I’ve attempted diets and “eating healthy” but exercise sometimes pulls me in. I get my body moving and I want to keep moving then I want to feed it healthy stuff. I have almost 100 lbs to lose. 40 would make me insanely happy. 20 would also be a grand start. But it’s not going to happen without a step. 

Wish me luck. Again. 

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Friday the 13th

They say another Friday the 13th won’t happen in October until 2023 or something. I’ll be 43. Sigh. 

My day was fine. I met with my hot electricians mother. Now this may seem weird or maybe you have no idea what I’m talking about. There was an extremely hot electrician that I was having bid on work for a project my company was putting together. He thought the work would be too much and never make the project, then texted me at 6 am asking if I wanted to get naked. I sssumed he just sent the text to the wrong person but he admitted (with a slew of compliments) that it was for me while he was drunk. And the question became, who is still drunk at 5 am? Usually I’m long pasted out at that point. 

Unfortunately my company was still interested in his bid, so I did not pursue him personally though the flirting (mutually) continued. For 1/2 year. Until he stopped texting me. The contracts were signed, work to be started and he was no where to be seen. His business is family owned. That’s where his mom gets involved. I’ve spoken with her quite a few times. And I’ve met her multiple times. Shes told me all about the family. Praising and explains that the son I had been dealing with had no children and wasn’t married. Excellent. 

Unfortunately it was in the news 2 weeks ago, he was arrested for several things, mostly possession of cocain. COCAIN. wtf. 

I had to make a very awkward call to his mother asking if the business would be ok and such. We got through it. She was pleasant. I felt horrible for asking. I really like his mom and his brother. His dad is ridiculously handsome for being older. That honestly has nothing to do with the rest but it’s still a legit statement. 

Yesterday I met her and she asked that we take a ride to another project site. While In my vehicle she told me all about how she became a master electrician. That she was one of the first in the State of Michigan. I now had even more respect for her. Then she brought up her son. She said she saw him and he looks a ton better. I wanted to ask what’s going to happen? Will he go to Prison? Is he still in jail? Was the cocain his? Wtf? But there’s work and there’s personal life and as damning as it is I really try to keep them separate. Plus, I just had a crush on her son. I dreamt I’d marry him but honestly we’re not even “friends”. Yet somehow I’m remarkably sad that this has happened. 

We stopped back to her car and I kept talking to her, somehow managing to bring him back up and her to talk. I remember saying, “Is he…” I wasn’t even sure how I could finish the question, or which question to ask but luckily she knew. She looked me in the eyes and said point blank, “My son has had a cocain problem for sometime”. 

Immediatly I could feel my face contorting to a look of shock mixed with sorrow. I think I softly said, I didn’t know, while looking at the ground. She told me he’s still in jail, she won’t bail him out but things are looking good for him and he’s looking better. His mood has improved and he is more positive. He immediatly asked about his two small newphews. He perked up when she started talking about the project because that is his life and he loves it. 

She told me she doesn’t know when he got into it or how. That his girlfriend had a problem with alcohol and they had recently broken up. He went downhill from there. Then with him in Milwaukee. She just really wasn’t sure what happened. 

She looked me in the eye a few more times, almost trying to find the answers for herself if I was a user. I don’t remember what she was saying but it was more of a mothers look, are you in trouble? Did you start this trouble? I remember looking away and talking softly again saying how much he helped me understand his scope. That we were texting a lot. I knew he was in Milwaukee, he had told me. 

In the end she told me, she saw her son in there, the old personality, caring about his family and the business and not hallowed out and robotic. I told her I was really happy, really good to hear he’s doing well. She told me it would be a year before he’s back. He’s staying in jail then going to rehab. 

It was a good conversation. It was one that isn’t between contractor and their sub. But that’s how it’s been all along. I really like this family. Maybe more than I should. 

Maybe it wasnt a spooky haunted Friday the 13th. Or maybe it was. I just can’t spend a year thinking about the one guy who I clicked with so immediatly. The one I share so many interests with. The one who understands the stresses of my job. The one who we started a disagreement and both got slightly heated with a misunderstanding but quickly resolved it. The one who was nothing like my ex. The one who loves kids and wants a family now. The one who I can’t stop thinking about when he’d keep stealing glances at me during a meeting and said my name every single time he’d say goodbye. 

Fuck man. 

Feeling weird

Featured Photo: my lunch, steamed chicken breast with broccoli and rice. Nothing amazing but it’s what I ate.

I’ve been feeling strange lately. I don’t know if the single life is catching up with me, or if my lack of motivation and general dislike for the disrepair my house/life has fallen into or what. But I don’t like it.

I want a new plate. A fresh slate. A clean house?

Also my body. I need to get back on board.

I joined Tinder and Ok Cupid again. I’m dealing with the fact that subcontractors might see me on there. I’m single, so fucking be it. I’ve already seen a few. Oh well.
I’ve matched with some people on Tinder – but then it goes dead. I wrote 2 people. One replied briefly, then deleted me, the other is no word. No one has messaged me first.
I’ve gotten a few messages from people on Ok Cupid. They’ve written me before. Nothing new, nothing exciting.

So I looked at my finances. I got paid today and decided I needed to start logging my finances. Sure, I’ve got mint – it tracks all my accounts and credit cards and loans. But I need day to day, control my shit and know where I am with my money. So many bills are auto-debited and I don’t really think, you only have $30 for a week before you dig into your savings, and then I somehow spend $180 at Target and my money is gone.

I got paid today and wrote it all down. Bills, bills, bills, more bills, and then I realized, after being super excited at how large my paycheck was, I have $300 for two weeks before my next paycheck. Generally I think, LOOK AT THIS PAYCHECK! but now I know I need to say, look at the money I will have left after these bills are paid. Quite different excitement levels there.
While most of my life, $150 per week would be lovely, I’ve been a super asshole and just eating away $20-30 per meal cuz I’m a slob and can’t plan a simple meal. I’ve been shopping and blowing $50 here and $80 at Ulta on make up I don’t need. Just today I blew $80 on Amazon, two new lip stains, a card organizer – thats for work and will legit be helpful – a set of 6 knobs for the vanity I’m making, and some ladles that look like the Lock Ness Monster when they stand up in the pot. To be fair, my one ladle is metal and rusting. I got it from the thrift store so I think I can accept that I got cute new ladles to replace that one. The new lip stains. No, there’s no reasoning behind the last 7 lip stains I’ve purchased. Now I know too, boo fucking hoo, you make a lot of money and blow it on useless stuff and you’re complaining while the rest of us are starving to death. I know I get it, I’m an asshole. It’s very true, mo money mo problems. How do billionaires live? How could they possibly spend that much money? Lemme tell you, the more money you get the easier it is to spend, just on useless stuff. (Like 4 bottles of lipstain when you already own 8) Note: I am in no way near being a billionaire, or a millionaire or even like a $10,000 aire. I’m just currently making the most money I’ve ever made in my life and its nice.

I’m excited for the vanity. I bought a small desk off someone online, $40. I plan on sanding and painting it and adding a mirror. Then instead of my day to day makeup in a tupperware container  in the bathroom, and makeup lying across the sink counter, I will have a whole desk for my make up. I’ll even be able to see all the makeup I have in the cabinet that I forget I own. Free up room in the cabinets and be able to organize and actually see all my make up – perhaps be able to curb my incessant purchasing of new make up. It’s a hope in the least.

In order to make room for the new vanity, I emptied out an older, uglier dresser I had purchased for my ex while he lived with me, and I donated 5 bags of clothing to the women’s shelter. Now I still need to in fact, get rid of that older dresser. Sigh.

I also eat, eat eat eat eat! So forcing myself to say, spend the money or make yourself something cheap – thats hopefully going to help me rein in my spending and calories. If I can’t shop maybe I can get back to the gym, though that pesky membership is canceled again and I’m not upset.

The other weirdness is wanting the clean slate. I’m super gung ho to throw things out. I just want to go through every drawer and create a trash/donate/organize bins. Why do i need things I don’t wear? Is it really sentimental if I never use it? If I never see it, does it really make me feel good to know I own it? Do I actually even remember I own it?

It’s a long time coming but I think a purge is on its way. Of course I say that and then i get sad. Not for me – for the item, as if I think that it will be upset to be orphaned after I’ve cared for it all this time. I don’t know what’s in store for it. Will it go to the dump? Be cut up and used as a rag? Will it be burned? The horrors!

But of course I need to buck up and say, Hello, its an inanimate object and this is not Toy Story! Sometimes I think that in years from now it will be super cool and retro and awesome if I kept it. I need to get past all this and say, I will be happier without all this crap!

So, as I hate myself for not doing work, and as I wait for my rice, freezer burned broccoli and chicken breast to cook in my rice cooker – seriously it’s so easy and tasty enough (buy a rice cooker with a steamer basket! one meal made with one device. Awesome!), why don’t i do this more often? I sit here and think of all the things I want to do. I’m also eating cheese slices, because its the one edible thing in front of me while I wait for things to cook rather than be handed to me from a drive-through window, not that I’m doing them but I’m thinking about them. Does it count?

Complaints

I’ll have to backtrack about the weekend but first I wanted to complain. 

This past week I saw photos from the wedding I stood in. I saw a large girl with huge arms and an overly plump face. It was me.  

In the hotel this weekend I saw my large belly flab that I couldn’t suck in or hide under a sweatshirt because it was so warm. At my parents house, I could see in the bathroom mirror when I turned around my bare butt. It wasn’t cute and round. It was flat, wide, bumpy, and had a sad overall look to it. 

On the drive home yesterday I broke it up by listening to two audio books. One about mini habits for weight loss, and the other about how one woman somehow paid off $18,000 of debt in one year with her $33,000 salary. I call bs on that one but I’m a hater and a pessimist. What can I say?

For weight loss it was, eat more Whole Foods, if you need to stuff your face do it with fruits and veggies rather than potato chips and exercise some. For saving money, don’t spend your money on shit you don’t need. 

It wasn’t mind blowing concepts. It was all do-able things. I thought, yes! I need a change! I can do this! Then I got hungry as I was driving and thought about a cheese dog and ice cream from Dairy Queen. Luckily for my waistline they were closed. 

Once I got home I was tired, warm and well tired. I had no food at home so I could shop, order in or order take out. Somehow my brain thought the most expensive option. With soup, appetizers, a large expensive entree too. $50 later I picked it up and stuffed my face while laying on the couch. 

Wtf happened to weight loss and saving money?

As soon as I came home with 3 bags of food I realized how wasteful of money and overly calorie ridden meal I’d consume. But consume it I did, well except for the soup, though I tried to eat it but my belly hurt. 

I went to bed, sluggish with a full belly and empty wallet. I woke up sluggish, bloated, tired still, over all I felt horrible and I knew it was from eating too much shitty food. 

I still had no food in my house, granted I do have oatmeal which I swore I’d start eating. I ate the soup from yesterday for breakfast with my coffee. Yes. I have no self control or self respect. I also did this in bed while I typed an agenda for a meeting. 

Before my 2 pm meeting I went to McDonalds and got a 2 cheeseburger meal because I wanted the large iced tea. I ate the burgers and large fry in 2 seconds while driving. 

After the meeting I stopped at the food co-op. Figured I could buy lettuce for a salad, maybe some items to make a fruit smoothie with the frozen fruit I have. I ended up with some carrot cake and a PB&J sandwich I just devoured. 

But I told myself I’d type out my shame here. Explain to myself why I weigh 250 lbs. and try to find the motivation to even make a mini habit to break my eating and spending habits. 

Good luck to me. 

Rant over. 

It’s been a few

Hmmm. I lost my motivation, fell off the bandwagon, I kinda failed at keeping this updated.

I got back from my trip and got slapped in the face with the life I had waiting for me back home. I got swallowed up by work and fell into a stressed out hole. I’m attempting to reemerge.

What’s happened, jeez since vacation. Hmmm. Let’s go backwards. Today my boss called me and he had requested a promotion for me and I guess it just went through! Comes with a decent salary increase so, yea, whoo!

Last weekend was one of my best friend’s wedding.  It was incredibly small with all married couples except for the groom’s little brother. I didn’t include a date since it was such a small wedding. Luckily I worked my way into conversations and entertained myself. I will say, even though there was no one to flirt with and I was surrounded by married couples discussing married life facts, I wasn’t jealous or bitter or annoyed. I was truly happy for both of them. Later that night a friend saw me out. She told me I looked good, that I genuinely looked happy, I had a glow. I have to admit, I can’t tell you why but I am happy. I’m single, overweight, almost 40, and I’ve got credit card and student loan and all sorts of other debt, but I’m happy. It’s weird to think of but it feels good. The groom’s lil brother told me I was a beautiful woman and then kissed me. I dodged the lips and he only got my cheek. It was awkward but in a way I was still excited someone wanted to kiss me.

The weekend before I went down to Illinois to visit a friend and see John Mayer again! As we were sitting in the seats we had purchased months before, my friend suggested we see how much of a discount front row tickets were going for on stub hub. More than 1/2 price! So we figured with the cost of our original tickets and the new tickets it was still less than the face value of front row tix, so we got them!!! The show was great, we were still far away from him since it was a huge amphitheater stage and we were on the far side while he stayed in the middle. It was still amazing.  

The weekend before that was beer fest. Actually that was the week before the wedding and John Mayer was 3 weekends ago. Well whatever, two friends came up for beer fest. It was a drunken awesomeness per usual. I ran into a ton of people I haven’t seen in forever. 
T hat was pretty much my last month. I spent half a week in Wisconsin and half a week in Illinois. Oh wait the weekend before john Mayer I was in Chicago again, that was pretty much another week out of town. There was a bachlorette party weekend type insanity. 

August I can’t remember but I’m pretty sure it was jam packed with catching up on work. The project we had been working on passed, as in its a real project!

So yea I guess that’s where I am in life. Things are busy but really good. Maybe I can keep up with this update too. We can only hope. Maybe clean my house too, or we shouldn’t get too crazy just yet. 

Out of town: Day 1 of 22 

Featured photo: sunset from my parents town

I meant to leave town yesterday. I thought I’d be here for my parents 50th wedding anniversary surprise party. Yup. Fail bus. 

I’ve been exhausted. I’ve been trying to veg out, be a touch social and still get all my work done. I’ve been working 14 hour days. Working on the weekends and I’m still not prepared for this coming week. 

I thought I could go to the chiropractor and see my dentist for a check up then drive to my parents town 7 hours away on Friday. Easy peasey. 

Insert failbus. Like a huge tour bus of fail. You see, in order to leave from the dentist meant my work had to be done. It also meant on Thursday my house would need to be cleaned and I would be packed for a weekend at my parents, a week in the office downstate and 2 weeks of car camping/ possible backpacking in conditions from 40 degree mountains to 100 degree valleys.

Wanna know how I spent my Thursday night? Working until 11 pm at night. Yup. Awesome. 

Friday I was called to research more items, take pictures and measurements, send emails, answer phone calls etc. I decided by 4 pm I needed a nap then I could pack and drive. When I woke up at 6 pm I vetoed driving for fear of falling asleep. Suddenly it was 11 pm and I had time warped into the future somehow just by sitting on the couch. Still not packed, I went to bed.  Geared to wake up in 5 hours. 

Of course I laid in bed longer than I should, I debated on what to pack and how and finally crunch time came and went and in a hurricane action I threw stuff in bags, threw it in my car and without looking back I left. 3 hours later than I should have. 

I arrived 2 hours late to my parents party. So far on night one of 22 nights away from home, I already think I forgot to pack my glasses. MY GLASSSES! I’ve got at least one pair of extra contacts for the next 22 days and i do not have decent vision. I can’t drive, I can barely walk without glasses or contacts. Hopefully I threw them in my other bag and quickly searching in the dark I simply missed them. Otherwise I pray my dog sitter can express mail them to me. Ekk.  Not going to lie, I’m freaking out. 

Also, remember my sexting subcontractor? He texted me at 3 am again. I sent him a follow up text saying it was unfair he only texted after bar close and he needed to invite me out for a drink. He replied a few hours later, You’re right. I’ll make it up. 

We spoke several times on Wednesday and Thursday about work. I could hear him smiling on the other line, I enjoyed how he said Hello & Goodbye with my name. How we started just saying Hey when answering the phone and smiling. I’m smitten. Fully smitten with this boy. Now I have to wait 22 days before we’re even in the same town. 

22 days wondering if he’s sexting someone else at 3 am. If he remembers his promise to make it up to me or that I even exist. 

Arggg. He’s really really adorable. 

Some people say they met someone and instantly knew they were going to marry them. That they were going to pursue them until it happened. Sometimes I think that I think that about everyone. But I want to say that about this guy. He’s the bees knees. 

Sigh. It’s dreamy just thinking about him. 

sleep schedule

Featured Image: The setting sun reflected on clouds on this soggy Memorial day.

Can you believe its the end of May? I’m getting closer to half way through my year of 37. I think about it every time I get my period – TMI maybe but it’s part of life so deal with it. I realize every time I get my period that its another month that I’ve been alone.

Thankfully, I have been keeping up with my walking. Last night I was playing board games with my friends until 11:30pm. By the time I got home and got ready it was just past midnight when I went on my walk. Technically did I  miss a day? Hell no! I got out at Midnight and still did my mile walk, then tonight at 9 pm I went on a 2.3 mile walk. So I don’t care what time it was – I still did my walks! Today was day 24 in a row.

Today was also a big milestone in me accomplishing goals. I told myself that I would finally vacuum and get out the carpet shampooer and clean all the damn carpets in this place. Memorial Day weekend was scheduled for rain Friday – Monday and it held true. There were weird periods of sunshine followed by downpours. I not only mowed the jungle of a yard during a dry sunny period, but I also cleaned the carpets and by default slightly organized/cleaned my bedroom, guest bedroom, office, and living room. I changed and washed all the bedsheets on my bed and my two guest beds. I washed the dog’s 2 blankets and his dog bed- yes he is spoiled. I emptied container after container and cleared out the carpet cleaner of heaps upon heaps of pet fur sucked from the carpet. It was glorious. Yea, this place was pretty dang gross.

I did think about it during my walks, that on a 3 day holiday weekend and I had planned to clean my house. I got out once, as a 5th wheel for dinner and board games with 2 couples. But at least I got to be social. I still feel good though, better that I take care of my house and get rid of the nagging voice in the back of my head that I have all these things to take care of. I can finally check a bunch off that list. It feels good.

Also I’m leaving in 3 weeks for 1 month. So it’ll be good to have a clean house while I’m gone and the animals can shed all over it for my return. Insert sarcastic tone and annoyed rolling eyes. But still – now I can at least be slightly proud that this place isn’t completely disgusting. It had this winter funk smell that just had to go. I replaced the furnace filter, opened all the windows, and hopefully all that gross fur lying about – well now that its gone – hopefully that will help!

Unfortunately I stayed up late every night and tonight is no different. I’m meeting a contractor and the city at 8 am for a walk through and I have tons of paper work I should do before hand but here it is almost 1 am and Im typing away here rather than sleeping. Sigh, I guess I should try to pass out – yet I’m wide awake.

Well… The other thing I can be happy about – after poor choices the rest of the weekend, today I started the day with a green pepper and spinach omelette, I had some cherries then finally I made BBQ chicken kebabs with green pepper and zucchini, and corn on the cob for a late lunch. Cleaning took most of the night and before I knew it, it was so late and I wasn’t hungry so I skipped dinner.

I know skipping dinner isn’t the best when you want to diet but I legit wasn’t hungry – I had some other snacks, like a yogurt and such. I’m hoping it’s all the fruit and veggies that filled me up but I think just being super busy and a nod to my ever fluctuating hormones helped.

Here’s to a new week, with new challenges – this Friday I’m leaving for Chicago. Driving down for a concert Friday night – which means I need to go on my walk before I leave – early in the morning. Then on Saturday? Will I get it in? I’m staying with friends and going to a street fair – but it shouldn’t be too hard to get away and walk around the block a few times. Sunday I will be driving back. Wish me luck!

Bonus post: happiness acquired 

Featured photo: a fountain shaped like a fire hydrant from the hotel

I really struggled today. I knew I would. 

I went to bed late and woke up early. I wore my glasses all day because one eye stung when I attempted to put in my contact lenses. I got super cranky mid day followed by sleepy. 

I haven’t been to the gym since January. Even then, I think I went twice. There is something about going to the gym that I abhor. Something that’s off putting. When I’m there nothing bad happens. Usually I feel good when I’m there, but the thought of going is not pleasant. 

I knew I’d have trouble going to the hotel gym. Walking my dog is easy, you’re doing it for the dog. Half the effort is just holding on while he pulls me forward. Any judgement by strangers is subdued. She’s just walking her dog. 

But walking alone? At night? Speed walking? JUDGEMENT! Going to the gym? What about the way I run? Am I even doing this exercise correctly? JUDGEMENT!!

That’s what’s in my brain. That self doubt. The self loathing telling me I’m too fat, I’ll disgust everyone, I can’t run, I look awful. I’ll be sweating without doing anything. 

I waited until after 10 pm. Then I thought, the gym in the hotel prolly has limited hours, I’ve missed it. My streak has ended. Nope, no such luck. Gym is open. Ok. Get your workout clothes on. Ok, let me check my email, maybe a few solitaire games on my tablet. I’m sleepy maybe I’ll just lay down…

Yes, that all actually happened til I told myself, Day 17!

I got my gym shoes on. Grabbed my John Mayer nalgene full of water and headed to the gym. RELIEF! It was empty!

I got on the treadmill and started a slow walk. After a few minutes I turned it up to a jog. My shins started burning and after a minute and a half I was gasping for breath, sweaty, red faced with burning shins. I slowed to a slow stroll but I kept going. In the course of 30 minutes I repeated that 3 times. I don’t care that I only jogged for a total of 4-6 minutes. I Jogged for 4-6 Minutes! 

Screw the haters! Screw my ex who told me if I didn’t give it 100% all the time I might as well not do anything. That’s WRONG!  And also what got me to 250 lbs. but guess what! 17 days of walking! 17! With 4 minutes of jogging (at least). 

My lungs hurt a lil, my shins are tight, I’m burning up, but every day I’ll get better. And it felt GOOD! 🙂

Here I was talking about my self loathing in my other post, but now I found my joy! Yes, it was JUST 30 minutes of walking. It was JUST a few minutes of a slow jog. But I did it! I didn’t lay in the hotel room making excuses, I did it and I can and will feel proud. 

If I can keep this up, I can lose the weight. This might be my calling. I tried counting calories, I’ve tried diets, I tried 30 days of abs and squats , and none of them were bad but I couldn’t force it in myself. 

I started by walking my dog on Saturday and Sunday. On Monday I thought, this would be day 3. Repeat everyday and here we are, day 17. 

I guarantee if it weren’t for this daily counting game I probably would have never pushed myself. I’ve found something. I can’t cheat at it. I can’t lose it and say screw it I’ll wait for a new week. Nope, everyday. At least 30 min. 

I’ve got a couple friends who slimmed down. They run. They enjoy it. I tell myself every time, that won’t work. You don’t enjoy running. But I’m not running. I’m just walking. 

Baby Steps. 

Exhausted by nothing

Featured photo: more wild flowers from my yard

Friday was my expo I was speaking at. It was announced the night before that 17 people were attending. It was pretty much 17 people who were participating in it. Drag. 

There were speakers about motivation, organization, estate planning… yea uh not exactly construction. 

My part was choppy, unrehearsed and I don’t think I had a main focus or summary. It was emotional and a shit show. 

That’s on me. I didn’t rehearse or even try. 

I spiraled into a pit of self loathing and embarrassment. Why did it hit me so hard? Probably because I knew it was my own fault. I’ve been really procrastinating and I know it’s not good. 

The low I felt from it all was quite the battle wound. Suddenly anything that has been said or emailed to me in the past month came back in a vile attack. A few weeks ago when I was floating on cloud 9; the world was my oyster. Now I was just some gutter slime praying to get washed down the pipe in hopes of a new beginning. 

I spent the weekend on the couch. I forced myself to walk to the farmers market. I didn’t buy anything and I kept my head low and sunglasses on, attempting to not be seen. I walked to a grocery store and ran into friends who wanted to hang out but I declined. 

I went home, cooked, ate, and then the day was done. Sunday was on the couch until 10 pm I forced myself to walk the dog. Day 16 of walking. 

At least I’m pleased with myself about my walks. I’ve got one thing I’m being successful at and I can’t let that go. But where did this instant, crushing depression come from? 

I realized today I’ll be getting my period any minute. That’s still no excuse. I can’t crash into the pavement and lose all hope and joy in my life just from fluctuating hormones. 

Today I’m starting to feel better. Starting to pick myself up and say, Hey! Voice in my head – self loathing and doubt- go fuck your self! There’s nothing to win with those thoughts. 

Tonight I’ll be at a hotel and I have to make sure I get on a treadmill. It’s the one piece I don’t want to disappoint myself in, my walks. 

Only 500 more days until it’s a habit. 😉

spoiled tofu and dehydration

Featured photo: Sunrise from yesterday

Today started off strong but I slowly let go of my grip on anything and just slid down the spiral.

The rain has been a constant lately. The temps have dropped from high 50s to mid 30s. Its bone chilling outside, damp, cold, grey, unhappy. My newly potted flowers and tulips are dying.

I won’t be shy to say I had a nice day-dream solo session … if you catch my drift. A welcoming to the new day, it was really, really good. I haven’t had relations with a man since my ex. I haven’t even kissed anyone except my pillow, in 2 years. I have however, done pretty well with myself. Wink Wink.
I started out wanting anyone, but slowly realized I wanted no one. I wasn’t over my ex, then I was too depressed because of my ex and now I finally couldn’t care less about my ex and I want to meet someone new… but I have this body issue. I’ve never been this heavy and single. I’ve never been over 200 lbs and attempted to date.

Luckily my personality is shining through, or at least I believe it is – that’s not all bad. I used to think it was all doom and gloom. Guys used to ignore me but I’m talking to guys, and cute ones at that. I think my self esteem is getting better!

Soooo… I got to work, dropped off a thumb drive for prints, dropped off my old broken phone at UPS, stopped at Walmart for new wiper blades, stopped at the food co-op and resisted all the temptations to buy a lot of junk but I did get a PBJ sammie, pita chips and humus, other potato chips and some tofu and veggies.

I planned to come home, fry up the tofu and make a rice noodle Thai dish but I was too lazy. Pita chips and humus and a PBJ Sammie for lunch. I came home and did a bit more work and started on my speech. Yes, that speech I’m giving tomorrow. Then I had to pick up my prints, and that gave me the opportunity to go to the bakery. I got a fruit tart, 2 doughnuts and an almond croissant. Yes. Much more than anyone needs. I ate a donut and started on my tofu prep. But the tofu was spoiled! SPOILED TOFU! I’ve been eating tofu for 15-17 years, I’ve never dealt with spoiled tofu. It upset me so much I ate the other donut and fruit tart, more chips, more humus, more pita chips and I ordered a noodle dish and sushi and a smoothie. Then I ate it all.

My stomach is aching and all I want to do is fall sleep. I feel a little woozy actually. This is what I do when I’m stressed or depressed. I realize I haven’t been drinking water for the past couple days. That makes a lot of sense. No water, feeling overly hungry and not be satisfied.

All I want to do is sit in a hot bath to get rid of the bone deep chill from today but I’m telling myself I must have my walk first. Then I have to practice my speech and make note cards. Then I could take a bath but I should have a full nights sleep because tomorrow the conference is all day long and my speech isn’t until 2 pm.

Well wish me luck. I need to drink more water. I need to think before I eat and I need to keep up with my exercise. Sigh.