Thoughts

So I talked to my customer. Honestly we are more friends than anything. So I told him. I got drunk and this is what happened with my contractor. He laughed. I wanted to know what he knew about his brother – Steve. Did Steve actually talk to Jake about having a 3 way with me?

We had a meeting early this morning. Jake, the customer and myself. I saw Jake before the meeting, gave him back his credit card and asked him if he blacked out or remembered the night? He said he blacked out. I said, did you want to know what happened? He simply said no and I let it go.

During the meeting I felt his eyes on me. We didn’t talk much but everything was fine. We told him he could take off while the rest of us continued to talk. That was it.

The customer spoke to his brother and his brother said it might have been a joke at one point but no, he didn’t talk with Drew about having a 3 way with me. He wasn’t invited out to drink either which Drew said he would ask him.

He was jealous I wanted to go out with Nick and not him. When I finally admitted I wanted him he was overcome with giddiness. I can’t help but feel flattered and think- I’m still on top of my game. I came out ahead. I’m a little sexy thing that he wanted and still hasn’t had. I can at least relish in the fact.

Talking it through and thinking about it, I realize it was stupid. It was a stupid crush I let control me for over a year. A year I thought somehow he was Mister Perfect. Even after the arrest. After I was told he was a coke addict. After I’ve been told time and time again that he fucks things up and I cover for him and over and over again it continues.

The last thing the customer told me today was to stay away from Jake. Stay away and don’t get hurt or burnt or in jail. He told me he was still dabbling in drugs. Still telling me there were things he couldn’t tell me that were happening during this job. He told me once the job was over he would tell me.

For some reason I thought it would be ok. I thought he could be better, I wanted to believe he was better. Even my horoscope told me to be Thankful for not getting what I wished for and this time around I just have to accept and appreciate it.

Appreciate that I am wanted. A guy I felt was too hot for me actually pined for me. That’s pretty great. Did I get him – well in a way – I know I’m in his brain. Maybe I’ll be the one that got away from him. I really do believe we have some crazy connection. That our chemistry is perfect together for a tragic, passionate love. I never knew he was as insanely obsessed with me as I was for him. Somehow he was so shy while telling me how much he liked me. And I just acted like I was the queen bee and let him squirm. It felt good. It felt right – It all just was easy. The kind of relationship I want – but just not with him. Not with someone with a baby mama and addicted to drugs. It’s really a shame. I doubt I’ll find someone I feel so passionate about. But it will be for the best.

Now it’s time to stop fantasizing and instead work on myself. Letting myself date. Let’s see how it goes.

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Ask and you shall receive?

Yesterday I wrote my post about the beer that I’ve been waiting for. Today I find out the guy that asked me, lets call him Steve, is traveling down to Wisconsin again. I guess his brother is picking up the dog he had and they are meeting 1/2 way.

Now I didn’t hear this from him. I haven’t heard anything from him.

I heard it from his boss, lets call him Jake.

I texted Jake to say I went out of my way to complete something for him. He said next weekend he was buying me drinks. I immediately got super excited. I even told him I didn’t believe it but he said he was buying and it was going to be a good one.

Then I stopped in my tracks… he said, I’ll see if I can get Steve to come with and posted the heart for eyes emoji.

What was that? All along I thought him and I had something going on. Maybe he thought I really didn’t like him? Maybe he is with his fiancé? Maybe he’s just being nice? Fuck I have NO IDEA!

I told him no, that Steve has been AWOL since he asked me out. He told me Steve’s been working 60 hours a week and to be patient. How freaking patient can a girl be before a first date?

But then – how is that – to hang out with your crush and a guy that asked you out on the same night? Well, that’s weird.

I guess I’ll see if he comes out Friday night. Regardless I’m a little nervous and really excited. Guess I have to clean my house for real this weekend.

HAHAH

Ok I’ve got to go to a 2 hour yoga session now. Pray I don’t barf, I had a big stinky lunch.

Ekk.

Do I ever get a beer?

I got a personal trainer and then I got sick. I asked a boy out and nothing but grief from my crush. I then got a serious case of PMS. That’s life, hey?

I saw the trainer today. She busted my ass by making me do the bear minimum. The warm up was 5 minutes on the elliptical and I was wishing it was over a minute in. Like seriously? During my training I kept thinking, if this was a fitness class I’d just stop. I’d wait to gain my breathe and cut out 1/2 the reps. But I paid to make me miserable so I hope she can whip this 250 body into shape.

A month ago a guy asked if I wanted to grab a beer. I ignored him for a week then told him I wanted the beer. His texts seemed casual but excited. We made a date and then he canceled. He had a good excuse and I had confirmation it was true. The following week I texted him because I hadn’t heard anything from him. I knew he was busy and that was my fault. He confirmed we needed to hang out and he owed me 2 beers.

The following week I got sick. One of my contractors is the boss of the guy I asked out. I also happen to have extreme sexual tension with him. For work I deal directly with the boss. He made a few odd comments during the week before calling me out directly. When I told him I was sick one Monday, he said implied I got it from his worker. I said, I haven’t even seen him! Which was true but also a way to not admit I asked him out.

He made sly comments and said it in a way that repeated my conversation with his employee. Finally during a phone call, he asked if I asked him out. He did it in a playful way. I’d like to think he likes me but honestly I couldn’t tell you. He had a fiancé but I’ve been told it’s no longer. Still, I don’t feel comfortable downright pursuing him. But what the hell, I can’t believe his guy I asked out, told his boss that I asked him out.

Regardless, I haven’t even heard from the guy I asked out. Will I ever get my beer? Should I even accept after waiting so long? Gah. Trying to date is hard.

The flip flop

Last Sunday I came to the decision that, essentially, I had to work to be happy. Happiness isn’t something that just happens- – like the sun shines. It’s something that you have to work for – you have to make the decision to have a good day. As they say it takes more muscles to smile than it does to frown.

For me – I had all these things that I was procrastinating on. It was easier to be unhappy living in a filthy house, than it was to clean it. Though the few times I could have invited a guy back to my place it was too disgusting to do so. Granted – I don’t need a booty call in my life either.

Having a dirty house upset me, but I couldn’t break out of the cycle and force myself to clean it. Just like I cant force myself to go to the gym or eat healthy and log my calories.

Last week I went to the gym and met with my trainer. I vowed to hit the gym twice more that week and well I didn’t but! I did however ask my Customer on Tuesday for his brother’s phone number. His brother had asked me casually out for a beer while we were talking about work and I was too self involved to realize what was happening.

I made my first move to flat out ask a guy out. This is how dating happens – well it could have happened sooner had I been happy enough with myself to realize when a guy asks a girl out.

I also cleaned my house all week in hopes for a possible visitor after I had texted him and asked him out for a beer. We made plans for Friday and I was jumping for joy all week – or at least two days. I went out with a co-worker on Wednesday and Thursday, just before I had plans with a friend to go to an art exhibit, I got a text. He had to cancel our date.

I realize that I had planned out my life with this guy – dates, vacations, marriage and children. I fantasized about him at night and when I woke up. I literally became insane with the thought of getting a beer with him.

Do I actually know if he likes me? Did he really just want to stop standing in the cold and find a way to change the subject? I really don’t know.

I was slightly discouraged but we called it a rain check and I was hopeful for the following week (this week).

At the art exhibit I ran into a very close friend from 9 years ago! Well it had been 9 years since we spoke last. It ended badly and in the end he apologized and I really enjoyed talking to hm for 45 minutes.

Friday night I was a little bummed that I didn’t have my date to go on but I cleaned a bit and the day went by quickly. Saturday morning i rushed around to finish cleaning for a potluck dinner and pumpkin carving with friends. At first I thought there would only be 4 of us but by the end of the night there were 8 of us plus two children! What a fun amazing happy time. We laughed like banshees and ended the night at midnight. The next morning I cleaned, raked the yard – finally taking care of compost heap in my driveway since July and was just proud of myself.

Here I was taking my life back. I didn’t hate cleaning or raking. I was feeling so proud and accomplished that I was happy. It didn’t feel like work. To be honest it felt better than sitting on my IPad playing stupid childish games.

Thursday before the art exhibit I even mowed the backyard and picked up dog poop that was long over due! I mean all the things I got done! I started making my bed and each morning fixed it so that it was made again! I completed one full week of walking my dog each morning around the block before showering. I believe it will get harder to continue once the snow flies but I haven’t broken a morning yet.

Saturday night at the party we discussed New Years and I imagined having a date. We talked about the bog walk this coming weekend and I thought – what if that was our first date – we talked about going out for drinks in our costumes on Saturday and I thought about him joining. I can’t really say what else I thought about but it was all grand and I realized in the moment how happy I was to have a plus one.

Today I realized – I don’t have a plus one. I don’t even have a true date planned. We have a rain check. The customer – his brother – made a joke of me being happy – he said You got Laid! I said no! But he was like AHHHH you did!

It’s a very high school work relationship we have. Basically we tease each other like high school kids who haven’t matured past 15.

Then I thought – I haven’t gotten laid, I haven’t even gotten a date or a beer. Here I am just happy to think about someone potentially being my date and its enough for people to think I got laid? Then I thought – what if he thinks its with his brother and its not. What if he tells his brother and he doesn’t even want to ask me out cuz he thinks I’m fucking someone else. What if????

Well… I never admitted to having sex with anyone – that was him. But gosh. Here I am planning my life again with no one. I don’t even know if he’s really interested – I really have no idea. Do I let him text me? Do I text him? CHILL OUT !

Maybe I should really just look at Tinder and attempt conversations with people again. I had one going but he worked over nights in a town 40 minutes away -kinda difficult to make a date.

Another guy was cool to talk to for a minute then he wanted my phone number immediately. It was just a little too forward? Like what about – do you have a job, are you a serial killer?

I’ve only told one friend about me asking him out for a beer. I also told her he canceled on me. Sigh. The cancel was legit – a family member was moving last weekend. I had overheard his brother tell someone else. Then I asked the brother what he was doing on the weekend. He confirmed.

So now I’m torn. Do I text him? Do I let him text me? Was I too sarcastic? I’m sure it will happen, right?

I even thought about how the guy who I know I shouldn’t be interested in, how it will show him because I’m dating someone else. Then I saw him this morning and he was cuter than ever – I don’t know what happened but his face was just so cute, Sigh.

My brain is flip flopping between being happy and being terrified I’m losing another make believe boyfriend.

Maybe I do need therapy. At least my house is clean, I made an effort to clean up and do dishes prior to going to bed. and my laundry is almost done. My bed was made when I got into it just now – and I wouldn’t be too embarrassed if someone came over inside my house. Now the porch – ekk – that’s something I should work on!

I have to be proud of myself for having a clean house. It’s been a long time. I still have the basement and 2nd floor before its officially clean but right now – It’s a huge step in the right direction of becoming a functional adult again. Soon I hope to make the gym a stable habit and lose this weight that’s been bringing me down.

I guess like I say – baby steps. But also, when your happy, others can tell and are attracted to your happiness. I just need to keep up the happiness. Let’s try. And lets hope I still get a date this week. I’m going to try to keep sane and not dominate the situation.

The simple things

I got through quite a bit of my house cleaning only for my dog to destroy it through the week. He’s been on steroids and every day i cant make it home to let him out for lunch I come home to a pile of poop and peed on carpet.

I lost it by Thursday. There was a broken dish and the cats were walking through the glass. He had peed on a new large rug that I had purchased because he can’t walk on the new flooring that I put down to replace the carpet he destroyed. Just cost after cost of items I’ve replaced because of his destruction.

I cried myself to bed and woke up with puffy eyes and a trashed house. I went to work late, upset with myself.

I know I’ve been depressed. I know its simple to get out of my rut – simply do the things you are procrastinating on. For me its easy – but I understand its not that easy for others. For me I know I want to loose weight, have a clean house, date again, etc. None of these things are out of reach, yet I let myself believe they are. I have my health and the ability to work out. I have a good job and I am able to buy healthy foods. I have the ability to clean and if anything its filthy because I have too many belongings. And finally – I know guys are interested in me. I push them away, I keep my house trashed and keep myself self conscious by being overweight. It sounds silly – but I acknowledge all of it – and when I do that I can lead to healing.

I have a personal trainer appointment tomorrow. It forces me to go to the gym because I’m paying someone to meet me there. To hold me accountable. Yesterday and today I forced myself to put on clothes and walk my dog before doing anything. It was easy and enjoyable and good. It felt good. It made me happy and it was so simple.

Again – in no way am I saying anyone can fix themselves like this – I just know this is what makes me sad and what I ignore but its so easy to do. I just need to do it and the rest will fall in place. If I get outside and walk my dog first thing in the morning it will help him be less destructive. For me I get my blood going – I feel an accomplishment first thing in the day and I get some exercise and fresh air. Next if I continue to exercise I will lose weight and feel sexier. If I feel sexier it will be easier to flirt and acknowledged men like me. The cycle of self esteem will continue to rise.

Same with my house – today I cleaned the living room and OMG. This place looks amazing. I still have more to do but I’m not embarrassed to invite people into my house. Which is good because I am having people over next weekend for pumpkin carving. I hope everyone comes.

So now I need to continue cleaning, actually get a bunch of stuff together to take to the dump and keep this place clean so I can let the sunshine in. Today is the first time I’ve opened the curtains to let in the sunshine. I need to keep that up

A light at the end of the tunnel?

It’s October. I’ve been waiting since May of last year. Just sitting here dreaming and waiting. Waiting for something magical to happen to me without trying. Just sitting here.

I lost 20 lbs at the beginning of the year. The confidence I gained was off the charts. I bought smaller clothes and was on top of the world. I was still Obese. I was still 80 lbs overweight but I felt like a million dollars.

Weird how that happens. How we tell ourselves we are disgusting but after the smallest change people notice, you notice and the world brightens just a touch.

Something happened between May and now. I gained 25 lbs back. My house is a red neck white trash pit of shit. The outside, the inside and even I’m disgusted with my lack of caring.

What did I do this summer? Laid on the couch and watched tv. Spent too much time on this IPad. Ordered everything from Amazon and went into credit card debt. Ate out at every opportunity and made excuses left and right to never go to the beach, never go hiking, never go camping, just nothing.

Why? Well because I was dreaming and waiting. Waiting for life to become perfect and wonderful and each day it didn’t , each day I realized it happened for someone else and not me – well, I just put myself deeper in the tunnel.

Somehow, the past two years I gained my confidence back intermittently. I became happy and comfortable. I got over the grief of loosing my best friend and adopted pet child. I got over the metal abuse of my ex, I got over so much and then somehow went into a dream world where everything would happen for me. Each time I realized it wasn’t I fell back into the pit. I went home from work to cry. I was deeply depressed and everything was too overwhelming to attempt.

I kept up with work, I made things work. I took out my outrage at my contractors. This week I had another eye opener though.

One of my dream boys was arrested. Again. This time he got out after paying a fine and I was texting him that night. Part of me realized – you cant wait for him, you cant fix him, he can’t be your project. I have to be my own project. The same day I went to talk to a laborer, his employee. As I went into verbal mouth diarrhea – swearing every other word about nothing to do with him – he stoped me and asked me if I wanted to get a beer.

I was completely flabbergasted! I was battling a head cold, I was physically exhausted and my head was foggy. Processing the information was difficult. Say YES! He’s being sarcastic, say something mean! You’re in the wrong, apologize!

I don’t know how long I paused, I don’t remember how I said what I said or.. well much at all. I remember saying – I get it – I can bitch for hours, I’ll stop.

He said, I don’t care, I’m getting paid standing here. I said, No no, I’ll leave. And then walked away.

I felt stupid going off and realized I need to control my emotions. Then his words dawned on me – wait a sec. He was being legit, he wanted to get a beer.

WHAT THE FUCK IS WRONG WITH ME?

Like how dense am I to not realize that was a legit ask out? I’m so wrapped up in my brain that I can’t even figure out he was being nice. I guess I’m used to people being mean, or my self confidence isn’t that high yet.

I think even my dream boy attempted to talk about a beer with me and I instantly shut him down. Sigh. I’m my own worst enemy.

Today is Saturday. I woke up at 8:30 – fairly decent and started cleaning. I’ve organized a few things in my bedroom. I through all my dirty clothes next to the washer. I’ve changed my sheets for the first time in… longer than I care to say. Made my bed and made lists of what I need to accomplish today. It’s already 11 am but hey – I can do this. I realize I put myself in a horrible mood knowing all the things that I need to do that I get overwhelmed and do nothing. Today that will change. One room at a time. I won’t start another room until I finish the one on my list.

Tomorrow I can work on the outside of the house and then I can work on that asshole of a dog I own. He continues to go through my trash, ruin my couch and furniture. He’s pooped upstairs most days and peed a few times as well. The house wreaks of feces.

I also need to organize the basement and try to get all my trash for the dump. If I can clean this house this weekend – maybe I can work on walking my dog, going to the gym, doing anything other than coming home because I need to clean, not going on dates because I can’t even think straight.

I like to dream, I’m just hoping I can turn it into reality this weekend.

Mid day tears

It’s Friday after an extremely stressful work week. The answers I wanted solved were not. My office is a war zone worse than usual. Everyone swooped in and out of the work week faster than I could document. Things are still wrong and they just keep piling up.

We had a meeting with the City Manager. He is a jovial guy – he takes his job seriously but also has a fun spirit and tries to keep things light. He has teased me before and knows I’m ok with it. This week however my ex came up. The way it came up with simple and innocent enough but the questions and digging continued.

I was cheated on. I was left for another woman and then he wanted to take me back after she stopped sleeping with him. There was no – I was wrong I apologize – it was just – I’m here and you aren’t with anyone. Why not?

There was mental abuse before all that but I didn’t get into it. Regardless the manager said – well you were prolly better in bed. He said – Average people try harder.

Now I’m just average.

Sigh

Granted it was a joke and made to be light hearted. I know I’m 100 lbs overweight. I know I’m not the most stylish or fashionable. I don’t flaunt my assets. I think I’m pretty but I’m no super model.

It all just kinda started compiling. I’m average. I’m overweight. I’m alone.

Yesterday while talking with the customer I was bitching, I was ranting. I was calling two guys jackasses because I know I have crushes on both of them and they are ignoring me. The customer made a statement, yea no one he is pushing 40 and still single, because he was prolly burned by a past relationship and treats everyone like that.

I realize he was talking about me now. He wasn’t talking about the guy.

I am. I’m pushing 40, obese with a bad fucking attitute to everyone I meet.

I’m sitting at home for the past two hours trying not to cry and still crying and running mascara down my face though I need to get back to work because I’m losing it.

Sometimes it just piles up and you realize – you keep telling yourself you got this and that’s the exact time it comes crashing down. You cant keep treading water, the waves have gotten too high and you just need some help, just a little bit at least.

This year I’ve been home all summer. I never went to the beach, my house has been the worst shape it’s ever been. I lost 20lbs and its all back, my clothes aren’t fitting again. Things are just bad and I need to open my eyes and realize it. I’m not getting bettter. I’m getting worse and blaming anyone that comes in my path. I’m ready to stop talking to all my friends, I’m ready to write everyone off because they are the problem. But its me. I realize that today,

I’m thankful I have a job that allowed me to come home and cry it out. To give me some privacy and deal with my shit.

I think i might need a therapist. Maybe I need to air out all my laundry and cry to someone. I want to be able to do it all on my own. I just cant. I’m not superwoman and that’s ok. It’s going to be ok. I’m acknowledging it today. That’s seriously the hardest part. It’s hard to say — I can’t. There’s no harm in it, there’s nothing wrong. It’s every bit normal. For some reason though we put a stigma around being less than – but its ok. I’m just human – I’m every bit ok.

Months

I know its been long. I don’t know how long because I’ve come to this site and written drafts. Sometimes I think I saved them, but after emotional ones – I know I’ve thrown them away.

I got pretty depressed. I dreamed up a life I didn’t have and then was crushed when my dreams didn’t come true. It’s a bit delusional but also part of my healing process. I’m closer to being ready to date again. I bought a box of new condemns in celebration.

I’m out of my funk of being cheated and mentally abused. I’m now in a funk of, well I guess just a general funk. I’m lazy, very unclean, my house is a disaster, my yard is even worse. I’ve lost 20 lbs and gained them back easily. Today I ordered food for 3 and ate it all – I’m also getting over a hangover.

Reading this you might say – well you may think Jesus! That girl needs help!

A little bit yes and a bit no. I’ll find my way – I always do. Honestly I’m in a much better place mentally than I was months ago. I’m back here to document and keep myself accountable.

I promised my cat I would find them a new dad this year – and damnit – I only have 3 months left.

Well back in March I started home repairs. I painted the living room, the entry way, the stairway and 2 hallways, and 2 walls of the kitchen. I ripped out the carpet in the living room and put down Vinyl plank flooring. I haven’t finished the trim but just last week I finally cut in the last row – that was the biggest pain of all but its done. Now just the trim to curse at.

I bought new furniture – only one piece in the living room is older. I did a back splash in the kitchen and for Black Friday plan on buying a new oven. Last Black Friday I got a wall mounted TV and new entertainment center. With the new flooring I bought new throw rugs. I’m so close to having an adult living room. I also bought a new table for my kitchen. Though my dog destroyed it with multiple scratches while he tried to attack the boy shoveling my back deck.

Now all I need to do is go through all my junk and downsize. Throw things out that are trash and keep things neat before I go to bed.

It shouldn’t be hard but its the way I can keep from bringing boys back home with me. It’s my fail safe – my house is trashed!

I brought a co-worker over after a night of heavy drinking and it never occurred to me that he wanted to have sex. Duh Sarah, why did we go back to your house when you were trying to take him back to his hotel room. He complimented me all night – telling me there were reasons people meet and he knew it the day he met me. He’s married with a 5 year old son. He’s been with his wife for 18 years. WTF. Like – WTF. Thankfully i got the hint and finally drove him back to the hotel. We haven’t talked about it and that’s fine.

This weekend was beer fest. Two days of being really drunk with friends. I met a guy – we were talking about Chicago and cities and food and beer. He was the brewmaster for a brewery about 8 hours away. He wanted to move to this area because he loves it. They were going around town and bar hoping, I should join. Someone in my group had his friend’s number. Cool.

I thought about it again, my house is trashed but then I thought – how much would I just love to make out with this guy? The group of friends I was with split up. My friend got a text from her friend with the guys number for me to call/text to hook up with them. She was too drunk to tell me.

This morning I was a little sad that I went home alone. I was telling my friend the history of the night when she was able to Facebook stalk the brewery, to find his photo. There it was bright as day – wedding ring. WTF. There was no sign of one last night. I instantly got mad. I’m just the plump girl who is good for a fuck I suppose? Granted I’m not making the best of choices but seriously – this is the third guy who came on to me and he’s married. I hate all men. Mostly.

Regardless I’m back. I’m here to find my success, hold on to some sanity and hopefully have some good news about weight loss, exercise and relationships!

Time will tell.

Insanity

In the last month I’ve had several people drop their jaw as I explained, “I’m older than most people think; I’m 38.”

I’ve always been told I look younger than I am but now the reactions seem mind blowing.

While I appreciate I still have a youthful appearance and I’d only hope to have just as youthful personality and energy, but what is it that makes people disbelieve so much? Is 38 a step in the grave, should I look more like the crypt keeper? Why is it so shocking for me to be 38. Certainly 37 didn’t seem to be a reason to exclaim, “You’ve aged well!”

Wtf, I’m aged now? Am I a cheese or wine?

The other day I heard, “you look incredible for your age”!

Do people typically look horrible when they turn 38? I mean, the compliments are nice, but the shock is disheartening. It’s only making me feel older.

My crush thought I was 26. Many others said they’d agree.

Things are weird currently. I can tell it’s hanging over me. I’ve spent over a $1,000 shopping in the last week.

I lost 20 lbs- I hit 229, then I binged on food and booze and hit 240 a week later. The body is a cruel bitch. Regardless I’m wearing my size 16 jeans. They are tight as hell but I can zip them and that’s all that matters. I started my diet again and suddenly I started shopping. Blowing $80 on makeup. I have endless make up. $150 or more on 4 pairs of shoes. Because better to buy 3 pairs of rain boots and return one rather than buy one at a time. Also a pair of wedges for vacation.

I bought $400 + on work outfits online, well tops and jeans. Who knows if they will fit. Then I went to the store and spent $200 on a vacuum and bras. I just ordered $200 of clothes from Target. I bought some shirts and a mug from the college I attended. I purchased new music and a ringtone for my phone. I went to TJMaxx and found $25 shampoo and petsmart for a $50 cat tree. What’s wrong with me?

I had a dream I was in an insane asylum. I attempted to explain that I was sane but they stuck me full of drug filled syringes. I felt my brain begin to melt. I was out of the asylum with my coworkers, as Dreams always seem to leave out important segways, and the town I live in had been bombed. Buildings were on fire, rubble littered the street and the police were announcing to evacuate downtown. I wanted to see my dog, see if he was ok but I couldn’t. Next I know we’re back at the asylum. I had to go back to the asylum to self commit. I was handed a paper and told my boss, you take this. He said no. You deal with it. I attempted to quickly explain I couldn’t have anything f with me when I committed. He said I needed to figure it out. – well if that isn’t life, eh?

Do I feel like I’m loosing it. That my hometown is now a war zone because of this job. Things are too close and just too far away from home. I’m loosing mind

Yea. That might be spot on.

I don’t know what’s happening. I’m ready to date and I’m not. I erased all my dating profiles. I had a drink with another work person, then stalked him online. After seeing that a certain girl “lived” at his address I quickly internet searched her. Seems perhaps that they dated a few years back. But I honestly can’t tell if they are currently dating. My mind went to rage as I remembered my crush was downstate with his baby mama/ fiancé and I realized why I had a dream I was committed.

I need to find my chill.

A success

I don’t know how to explain it. I’m stressed by work, I’m ignoring my personal life, again, and I’m excited and happy and sad and… sigh.

I got my period early. I didn’t have my typical roller coaster of emotions, I just got it, 3-5 days earlier than expected. So be it. But I expected to have a wall of tears and sadness. I didn’t.

I did get drunk on Friday and spent my Saturday hungover and pathetic. I did, however, purchase new flooring for the living room. The thought of home renovations got me excited. What can I say, I love Construction, like love it. I love doing things myself and boasting , however insignificant, or even however half-ass, hey I did it.

I did not go to the gym but I got a walk with my dog in, that counts. Tomorrow is my first personal training day. I’ve been averaging 1500 calories, randomly throwing in drinks or take out but over all I’ve been ricking this diet business. Today I hopped on the scale and it read 229- 229 lbs!!!! That’s 20lbs, 20lbs since February!!!

The excitement and joy was excellent!

I said all I wanted to lose 20lbs but honestly I want to see 220. After that I want to see 200.

Im already wearing tighter shirts with a touch more skin. Today I curled the ends of my hair. No one commented but I felt good. I bought more clothes and I’m thinking of ordering them in a smaller size. I’ve been wearing XxL but slowly moving to XL. And if I could get down to a L will be my dream.

So it was a slow start, but it’s happening. 20 lbs!!! I want to scream from the roof top!