A little effort

Today is the day we feast. I visit my family usually once a year. They live six hours away by car – and while that’s not entirely ridiculously far… when you travel for work for your job, sometimes you like to just sit still for a while.

They don’t celebrate many things – no Christmas or Halloween, no Thanksgiving or birthdays. So each year I use my Thanksgiving holiday of a 4 day weekend to come down and bring a turkey and ham and say – Oh boy, look at all this food! Guess we have to call the family over to eat it! They won’t do it on Thursday, any day other than Thursday.

Each year most of the family comply. A little effort on my part and I get a feast and see my family. Except my one sister-in-law and her children. I believe she thinks I’m an ‘evil’ person since I fully partake in Halloween. Like FULLY PARTAKE. Not like I sacrifice sheep or anything but I love skulls and creepy decorations. They however view this as the devil influencing my life. To each their own, but I am sad that I have a very small family, made smaller by religious viewpoints.

Today is the day – the day of Turkey and Ham and family. My parent’s live in an apartment complex that has a ‘clubhouse’. Its open to anyone in the complex. There is a small kitchen, tables, a couch, tv, and computers for general use. Here we can make the Turkey,  and across the way my Mother can make the ham in their oven, then bring it over. I am finally sitting by myself – out of my parents small one bedroom apartment. When I visit I sleep on an air mattress on the floor, in the living room between the couch and the TV. This upsets my father as all he does is sit on the couch and watch TV. Its enjoyable to be able to sit on a couch in this ‘clubhouse’, in a quiet room with no TV. The simple things you miss in life when they are taken away.

I sit here and think of the lack of exercise. The most I get is 2 steps to the bathroom and 2 steps back to a chair where I sit in their apartment. I don’t know this town well enough and there is no sidewalk to just explore. Outside of the complex is the highway. My father is in a wheelchair and doesn’t enjoy leaving the house. Even when he could walk he rarely did. So I think about the grease laden food my mother keeps feeding me. Dripping wet butter on muffins, greasy bacon, greasy eggs, she offered to make me a deli chicken sandwich and asked if I wanted Mayo and butter on the bread. I declined both.

My mother isn’t a bad cook, shes just become use to the disgusting habits of my father and I think she believes this is the norm now. Each day I look at my large thighs and hips, the new stretch marks on top of old ones on my belly and the people on the tv who are stick thin with perfect skin. While I see this I do nothing to change my habits, I sit in the chair and eat the greasy food and look for seconds out of boredom.

I also think about the fact that I haven’t dated anyone in years. YEARS. While it took me a long time to get over the hell my ex put me through – I’m over that. At least enough to start dating. But I look at dating profiles and constantly say none of them are good enough for me, simply based on the way they look or their occupation – but am I even good enough for any of them? Not even IRL but based on the few pictures I put up and the tiny description. Seriously, what right do I have to be on a high horse. I’m so afraid of finding the perfect relationship that I’m too afraid to even try. I guess I tell myself – what if I find someone and fall for them and then my make believe prince finds me?

I mean insanity right? I just need to try to go on a date to date – not to marry – not to have a baby but just to try to “Date”. I’m so confused with the – looking for something real vs – looking for a friend and possibly more. I mean, whats the difference? I understand some people just want to hook up. I don’t want that. But is there a simple – just looking to meet people and see if we click? Is that a thing?

My weight is my weak point. It always will be. I could drop 60 lbs in 40 weeks if I really really tried. Point in fact- – TRIED, effort here is the key missing factor of my life. And even 60 lbs would put me at College weight, which was still overweight. I’m probably closer to 100 lbs overweight but my goal is to lose 60 for happiness.

Effort is needed for friends too. I recently found out the Nutcracker ballet was coming back and asked my friends if they wanted to go. One by one they declined. I thought – maybe I’ll go by myself – refusing to miss out on things because I’m ‘alone’. Finally I made the effort – reached out to a friend of a friend and they accepted immediately! Yea! New Friend!

I need to keep this effort. Effort to exercise, effort to blog more, effort to eat an apple, effort to make friends, effort to give men a chance to be imperfect humans as I know I am,  effort to just DO.

So far I’ve been blogging the few days I’ve been at my parents. Is it boredom, is it my final break in life saying – YOU NEED TO CHANGE!. Is it the fact that I’ve got so much bottled up in my brain I just need a release? Is it that I finally realized I ran out of excuses. I’m not traveling crazy pants anymore. There is no need to eat out every meal. I need to save money hard core and pay off my credit cards and loans but to do that I can’t spend a $500 on eating out each month. It’s time I sit down and have an intervention with myself. But after today. Today is Turkey day and I get to eat all the food I want. Cuz thats what you do on Turkey day. I refuse to be upset as I say – I’ll start on Monday. Effort for Monday.

 

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Friday the 13th

They say another Friday the 13th won’t happen in October until 2023 or something. I’ll be 43. Sigh. 

My day was fine. I met with my hot electricians mother. Now this may seem weird or maybe you have no idea what I’m talking about. There was an extremely hot electrician that I was having bid on work for a project my company was putting together. He thought the work would be too much and never make the project, then texted me at 6 am asking if I wanted to get naked. I sssumed he just sent the text to the wrong person but he admitted (with a slew of compliments) that it was for me while he was drunk. And the question became, who is still drunk at 5 am? Usually I’m long pasted out at that point. 

Unfortunately my company was still interested in his bid, so I did not pursue him personally though the flirting (mutually) continued. For 1/2 year. Until he stopped texting me. The contracts were signed, work to be started and he was no where to be seen. His business is family owned. That’s where his mom gets involved. I’ve spoken with her quite a few times. And I’ve met her multiple times. Shes told me all about the family. Praising and explains that the son I had been dealing with had no children and wasn’t married. Excellent. 

Unfortunately it was in the news 2 weeks ago, he was arrested for several things, mostly possession of cocain. COCAIN. wtf. 

I had to make a very awkward call to his mother asking if the business would be ok and such. We got through it. She was pleasant. I felt horrible for asking. I really like his mom and his brother. His dad is ridiculously handsome for being older. That honestly has nothing to do with the rest but it’s still a legit statement. 

Yesterday I met her and she asked that we take a ride to another project site. While In my vehicle she told me all about how she became a master electrician. That she was one of the first in the State of Michigan. I now had even more respect for her. Then she brought up her son. She said she saw him and he looks a ton better. I wanted to ask what’s going to happen? Will he go to Prison? Is he still in jail? Was the cocain his? Wtf? But there’s work and there’s personal life and as damning as it is I really try to keep them separate. Plus, I just had a crush on her son. I dreamt I’d marry him but honestly we’re not even “friends”. Yet somehow I’m remarkably sad that this has happened. 

We stopped back to her car and I kept talking to her, somehow managing to bring him back up and her to talk. I remember saying, “Is he…” I wasn’t even sure how I could finish the question, or which question to ask but luckily she knew. She looked me in the eyes and said point blank, “My son has had a cocain problem for sometime”. 

Immediatly I could feel my face contorting to a look of shock mixed with sorrow. I think I softly said, I didn’t know, while looking at the ground. She told me he’s still in jail, she won’t bail him out but things are looking good for him and he’s looking better. His mood has improved and he is more positive. He immediatly asked about his two small newphews. He perked up when she started talking about the project because that is his life and he loves it. 

She told me she doesn’t know when he got into it or how. That his girlfriend had a problem with alcohol and they had recently broken up. He went downhill from there. Then with him in Milwaukee. She just really wasn’t sure what happened. 

She looked me in the eye a few more times, almost trying to find the answers for herself if I was a user. I don’t remember what she was saying but it was more of a mothers look, are you in trouble? Did you start this trouble? I remember looking away and talking softly again saying how much he helped me understand his scope. That we were texting a lot. I knew he was in Milwaukee, he had told me. 

In the end she told me, she saw her son in there, the old personality, caring about his family and the business and not hallowed out and robotic. I told her I was really happy, really good to hear he’s doing well. She told me it would be a year before he’s back. He’s staying in jail then going to rehab. 

It was a good conversation. It was one that isn’t between contractor and their sub. But that’s how it’s been all along. I really like this family. Maybe more than I should. 

Maybe it wasnt a spooky haunted Friday the 13th. Or maybe it was. I just can’t spend a year thinking about the one guy who I clicked with so immediatly. The one I share so many interests with. The one who understands the stresses of my job. The one who we started a disagreement and both got slightly heated with a misunderstanding but quickly resolved it. The one who was nothing like my ex. The one who loves kids and wants a family now. The one who I can’t stop thinking about when he’d keep stealing glances at me during a meeting and said my name every single time he’d say goodbye. 

Fuck man. 

Back in the saddle

I’ve rejoined the dating world. I promised myself I wouldn’t until I was comfortable with my weight but when will that day come? I don’t want to wait forever. I’m still spinning around with my head cut off trying to stay afloat. 

So I’ve joined match, tinder, okcupid, bagelmeetscoffee, and bumble. You think I could find somebody but I live in a very small area and sure there are guys old enough to be my dad liking my profile. There are 20 year old kids wanting to be friends which makes me wonder if there’s a mental disability there. It’s just weird. I had one conversation. He asked for my number, I got his and never heard from him again though he promised to text me the next day. So be it. Life in the dating world in 2017. 

I joined all the sites hoping to find my electrician. The job was under way and he seemed to be off the project. I thought it was my shot to pounce but his profile was gone. I had hoped to see him somewhere. I thought I had seen him at beer fest, with a girl but it didn’t look romantic. We seemed to be starring at each other and he even moved closer but I never got close enough to determine if it was him. Sigh. 

We had a meeting with the utility in town and one of the guys is completely my type. Tall, heavier set guy with a classically attractive face. Very manly. I had hopes of dealing with him more but that doesn’t seem to be happening. He’s on match and tinder but I had swiped left on him cuz I thought he might work for something with this project. I was very right. Sadly I don’t think he’s been on the website. I believe I saw him at the grocery store butt he was with a small child and a woman. I’m hoping it’s his sister but there is no way of knowing. Sad. 

In other horrific news, you know my electrician? The one I just mentioned above? The one I had deemed so perfect. The one I turned away though I wanted him so badly. The one I vowed to marry? He was arrested two weeks ago. Evading police, expired tags on his vehicle and cocaine with intent to sell. I can’t even fathom it. He may/probably will get prison time. Prison! He didn’t seem that stupid, I thought he was brilliant, he was caring and funny, witty… who am I kidding I thought he was the best of the best and interested in me. ME! But he may have been on coke. Maybe that explains the late night texts. The ballsey attitude by phone but in person the shy demeanor. Who knows. There were two other guys in the car with him. Two 21 year old which doesn’t make sense. He just should have known better. I’m incredibly sad. For me, for his family, for the business. I can only hope he gets his shit straight. I honestly wish him the best. He had a huge house, was co-owner and president of a well respected busy business. He was hot beyond my understanding. Now he’s probably going to prison for a felony. Wtf man. I just dunno. 

Other than the lack of dating life, though I’m out in full display… I’ve just been busy. Work is nuts. I’m attempting to get stuff done before the snow flies. I feel like I haven’t seen much of my friends except for a fire in my backyard last weekend. I cleaned my house just in time to trash it again. Luckily I actually got my yard decorated for Halloween and I feel pretty good about it. I’ve sold my dresser and replaced it with a vanity. I sold some Halloween decorations that only gave me stress by blowing over or away. My promotion went through, sadly with no back pay as I was hoping but it’s definitely more money which is great. Hopefully I can get my shit together enough to start yoga, loose some weight, find a new dad for my cats, they are my ex’s after all, and maybe have a date for New Years. 

The one thing I can thank my electrician for its giving me enough self esteem and finding self love in order to start the search for love. Maybe I don’t end up with him. Maybe he wasn’t right for me, but the universe still allowed him into my life to boost my spirits and remember that I can bag a hot guy. I’m smart, funny, beautiful, and fun to be around. I’m worth a good guy who can see it. I just have to see the good in him as well.

Busy

I’ve been so busy with work. Yesterday I was up until 11 pm writing contracts. Today I started work at 7:30 and chatted with a co-worker until 4:30p when another coworker suggested getting dinner. I got noting done. We laughed, we discussed work, it was a good time. I’m now in bed and thinking about the cute boy I met today. Just through work but he was cute. Not hot like the electrician but cute. 

I also heard news about the electrician. When we first reached out to him, my coworker got his vm. It was a girl’s voice. He was in Cancun with his gf. Sooo just before I met him he had a gf. News to me. 

This new guy I’ll see tomorrow but I don’t know if I’ll see him after. I know I’ve seen him on match or tinder before. He’s adorable like a teddy bear. Every time I’d steal glances at him, I noticed he’d look back at me. Cute!

We’ll see if anything comes from it. 

Out of town: Day 1 of 22 

Featured photo: sunset from my parents town

I meant to leave town yesterday. I thought I’d be here for my parents 50th wedding anniversary surprise party. Yup. Fail bus. 

I’ve been exhausted. I’ve been trying to veg out, be a touch social and still get all my work done. I’ve been working 14 hour days. Working on the weekends and I’m still not prepared for this coming week. 

I thought I could go to the chiropractor and see my dentist for a check up then drive to my parents town 7 hours away on Friday. Easy peasey. 

Insert failbus. Like a huge tour bus of fail. You see, in order to leave from the dentist meant my work had to be done. It also meant on Thursday my house would need to be cleaned and I would be packed for a weekend at my parents, a week in the office downstate and 2 weeks of car camping/ possible backpacking in conditions from 40 degree mountains to 100 degree valleys.

Wanna know how I spent my Thursday night? Working until 11 pm at night. Yup. Awesome. 

Friday I was called to research more items, take pictures and measurements, send emails, answer phone calls etc. I decided by 4 pm I needed a nap then I could pack and drive. When I woke up at 6 pm I vetoed driving for fear of falling asleep. Suddenly it was 11 pm and I had time warped into the future somehow just by sitting on the couch. Still not packed, I went to bed.  Geared to wake up in 5 hours. 

Of course I laid in bed longer than I should, I debated on what to pack and how and finally crunch time came and went and in a hurricane action I threw stuff in bags, threw it in my car and without looking back I left. 3 hours later than I should have. 

I arrived 2 hours late to my parents party. So far on night one of 22 nights away from home, I already think I forgot to pack my glasses. MY GLASSSES! I’ve got at least one pair of extra contacts for the next 22 days and i do not have decent vision. I can’t drive, I can barely walk without glasses or contacts. Hopefully I threw them in my other bag and quickly searching in the dark I simply missed them. Otherwise I pray my dog sitter can express mail them to me. Ekk.  Not going to lie, I’m freaking out. 

Also, remember my sexting subcontractor? He texted me at 3 am again. I sent him a follow up text saying it was unfair he only texted after bar close and he needed to invite me out for a drink. He replied a few hours later, You’re right. I’ll make it up. 

We spoke several times on Wednesday and Thursday about work. I could hear him smiling on the other line, I enjoyed how he said Hello & Goodbye with my name. How we started just saying Hey when answering the phone and smiling. I’m smitten. Fully smitten with this boy. Now I have to wait 22 days before we’re even in the same town. 

22 days wondering if he’s sexting someone else at 3 am. If he remembers his promise to make it up to me or that I even exist. 

Arggg. He’s really really adorable. 

Some people say they met someone and instantly knew they were going to marry them. That they were going to pursue them until it happened. Sometimes I think that I think that about everyone. But I want to say that about this guy. He’s the bees knees. 

Sigh. It’s dreamy just thinking about him. 

Ill dreaming

I don’t have a picture for today. I didn’t travel for work or leave the house. My friend who I spent the weekend with was diagnosed with the flu. I thought I’d be spared with my vaccine but this morning I got light headed in the shower , nauseated from breakfast and exhausted after 20 minutes at my desk. 

Thankfully I was able to work from home for a quick conference call and sleep the 8 hours of work away. Hello sick day. I woke up to being drenched in sweat, even after kicking off the sheets and the house being at 65. Later the chills, shakes and migraine came. Thank you Excedrine Migrane. My bff. 

After that I felt 80% better. Though, waiting for the excedrine to kick in I took a nap. Long enough for a vivid dream. 

I was sitting at an El train stop. I assumed in Chicago but I didn’t recognize it; it could be any city. I was alone on a bench on the elevated platform. In front of me I could see a yard, a large vacant industrial looking space. There was a large brick building to the right , and to the left I could see tracks to another EL. Those tracks, to the left, they were covered by a wall and roof over the platform. They ended above the vacant industrial yard. Everything was still, almost like a picture. Then I saw the lights of the train from the other tracks. 

I sometimes think of bad endings while I see things. I imagine me not steering around a curve and instead driving off the road at high speeds, I think of the situation of my car veered off a bridge and other disturbing things. I thought, what if the train doesn’t stop, for a split second while seeing the train’s lights coming out of the tunnel from the platform. The next split second I realized it wasn’t a disturbing thought. The train was moving far too fast to stop at the end of the tracks. In horror I watched the train burst past the end of the tracks, and felt my body tense for impact as if I was on that train. I saw the train sail off the tracks and slowly, arch down into the brick building to the right.  

I thought about the people on the train. I thought about how I had to help though there was nothing I could do. I wondered if anyone could even survive the horror I was witnessing. 

Then I woke up. Still dazed and tense. Unsure just yet if it had happened in real life or not. I don’t know why I dreamed it. But it was horrifyingly clear. 

I blame the flu.