sleep schedule

Featured Image: The setting sun reflected on clouds on this soggy Memorial day.

Can you believe its the end of May? I’m getting closer to half way through my year of 37. I think about it every time I get my period – TMI maybe but it’s part of life so deal with it. I realize every time I get my period that its another month that I’ve been alone.

Thankfully, I have been keeping up with my walking. Last night I was playing board games with my friends until 11:30pm. By the time I got home and got ready it was just past midnight when I went on my walk. Technically did I  miss a day? Hell no! I got out at Midnight and still did my mile walk, then tonight at 9 pm I went on a 2.3 mile walk. So I don’t care what time it was – I still did my walks! Today was day 24 in a row.

Today was also a big milestone in me accomplishing goals. I told myself that I would finally vacuum and get out the carpet shampooer and clean all the damn carpets in this place. Memorial Day weekend was scheduled for rain Friday – Monday and it held true. There were weird periods of sunshine followed by downpours. I not only mowed the jungle of a yard during a dry sunny period, but I also cleaned the carpets and by default slightly organized/cleaned my bedroom, guest bedroom, office, and living room. I changed and washed all the bedsheets on my bed and my two guest beds. I washed the dog’s 2 blankets and his dog bed- yes he is spoiled. I emptied container after container and cleared out the carpet cleaner of heaps upon heaps of pet fur sucked from the carpet. It was glorious. Yea, this place was pretty dang gross.

I did think about it during my walks, that on a 3 day holiday weekend and I had planned to clean my house. I got out once, as a 5th wheel for dinner and board games with 2 couples. But at least I got to be social. I still feel good though, better that I take care of my house and get rid of the nagging voice in the back of my head that I have all these things to take care of. I can finally check a bunch off that list. It feels good.

Also I’m leaving in 3 weeks for 1 month. So it’ll be good to have a clean house while I’m gone and the animals can shed all over it for my return. Insert sarcastic tone and annoyed rolling eyes. But still – now I can at least be slightly proud that this place isn’t completely disgusting. It had this winter funk smell that just had to go. I replaced the furnace filter, opened all the windows, and hopefully all that gross fur lying about – well now that its gone – hopefully that will help!

Unfortunately I stayed up late every night and tonight is no different. I’m meeting a contractor and the city at 8 am for a walk through and I have tons of paper work I should do before hand but here it is almost 1 am and Im typing away here rather than sleeping. Sigh, I guess I should try to pass out – yet I’m wide awake.

Well… The other thing I can be happy about – after poor choices the rest of the weekend, today I started the day with a green pepper and spinach omelette, I had some cherries then finally I made BBQ chicken kebabs with green pepper and zucchini, and corn on the cob for a late lunch. Cleaning took most of the night and before I knew it, it was so late and I wasn’t hungry so I skipped dinner.

I know skipping dinner isn’t the best when you want to diet but I legit wasn’t hungry – I had some other snacks, like a yogurt and such. I’m hoping it’s all the fruit and veggies that filled me up but I think just being super busy and a nod to my ever fluctuating hormones helped.

Here’s to a new week, with new challenges – this Friday I’m leaving for Chicago. Driving down for a concert Friday night – which means I need to go on my walk before I leave – early in the morning. Then on Saturday? Will I get it in? I’m staying with friends and going to a street fair – but it shouldn’t be too hard to get away and walk around the block a few times. Sunday I will be driving back. Wish me luck!

Day 21

Featured photo: sunset from yesterday taken from a bridge

I’ve been exhausted. Waking up early, staying up late, sitting through meetings and still walking everyday. 

I thought today was day 20, but it’s day 21. I started walking on May 6. 

Today I weighed myself. I’m 241 lbs. I was 247 and I’m on my period which usually adds a few lbs. 

I haven’t started a diet but I know I should. My hormones and stress have been crazy too. I’ve been cranky and short, over emotional and loud. 

But now the count up for ‘in a row workouts’ and count down for lbs. 

I see my friends. One after another they drop weight and get engaged. It’s not even a joke or elaboration. Legit they dropped weight and got engaged. And yea you’re not supposed to drop weight for a guy but fuck it. It’s a superficial world out there and in order to meet people, there has to be a level of attraction in order to start the conversation. So duck it. I’m gonna lose weight in order to get a man. 

Let’s get at it. 

Bonus post: happiness acquired 

Featured photo: a fountain shaped like a fire hydrant from the hotel

I really struggled today. I knew I would. 

I went to bed late and woke up early. I wore my glasses all day because one eye stung when I attempted to put in my contact lenses. I got super cranky mid day followed by sleepy. 

I haven’t been to the gym since January. Even then, I think I went twice. There is something about going to the gym that I abhor. Something that’s off putting. When I’m there nothing bad happens. Usually I feel good when I’m there, but the thought of going is not pleasant. 

I knew I’d have trouble going to the hotel gym. Walking my dog is easy, you’re doing it for the dog. Half the effort is just holding on while he pulls me forward. Any judgement by strangers is subdued. She’s just walking her dog. 

But walking alone? At night? Speed walking? JUDGEMENT! Going to the gym? What about the way I run? Am I even doing this exercise correctly? JUDGEMENT!!

That’s what’s in my brain. That self doubt. The self loathing telling me I’m too fat, I’ll disgust everyone, I can’t run, I look awful. I’ll be sweating without doing anything. 

I waited until after 10 pm. Then I thought, the gym in the hotel prolly has limited hours, I’ve missed it. My streak has ended. Nope, no such luck. Gym is open. Ok. Get your workout clothes on. Ok, let me check my email, maybe a few solitaire games on my tablet. I’m sleepy maybe I’ll just lay down…

Yes, that all actually happened til I told myself, Day 17!

I got my gym shoes on. Grabbed my John Mayer nalgene full of water and headed to the gym. RELIEF! It was empty!

I got on the treadmill and started a slow walk. After a few minutes I turned it up to a jog. My shins started burning and after a minute and a half I was gasping for breath, sweaty, red faced with burning shins. I slowed to a slow stroll but I kept going. In the course of 30 minutes I repeated that 3 times. I don’t care that I only jogged for a total of 4-6 minutes. I Jogged for 4-6 Minutes! 

Screw the haters! Screw my ex who told me if I didn’t give it 100% all the time I might as well not do anything. That’s WRONG!  And also what got me to 250 lbs. but guess what! 17 days of walking! 17! With 4 minutes of jogging (at least). 

My lungs hurt a lil, my shins are tight, I’m burning up, but every day I’ll get better. And it felt GOOD! 🙂

Here I was talking about my self loathing in my other post, but now I found my joy! Yes, it was JUST 30 minutes of walking. It was JUST a few minutes of a slow jog. But I did it! I didn’t lay in the hotel room making excuses, I did it and I can and will feel proud. 

If I can keep this up, I can lose the weight. This might be my calling. I tried counting calories, I’ve tried diets, I tried 30 days of abs and squats , and none of them were bad but I couldn’t force it in myself. 

I started by walking my dog on Saturday and Sunday. On Monday I thought, this would be day 3. Repeat everyday and here we are, day 17. 

I guarantee if it weren’t for this daily counting game I probably would have never pushed myself. I’ve found something. I can’t cheat at it. I can’t lose it and say screw it I’ll wait for a new week. Nope, everyday. At least 30 min. 

I’ve got a couple friends who slimmed down. They run. They enjoy it. I tell myself every time, that won’t work. You don’t enjoy running. But I’m not running. I’m just walking. 

Baby Steps. 

spoiled tofu and dehydration

Featured photo: Sunrise from yesterday

Today started off strong but I slowly let go of my grip on anything and just slid down the spiral.

The rain has been a constant lately. The temps have dropped from high 50s to mid 30s. Its bone chilling outside, damp, cold, grey, unhappy. My newly potted flowers and tulips are dying.

I won’t be shy to say I had a nice day-dream solo session … if you catch my drift. A welcoming to the new day, it was really, really good. I haven’t had relations with a man since my ex. I haven’t even kissed anyone except my pillow, in 2 years. I have however, done pretty well with myself. Wink Wink.
I started out wanting anyone, but slowly realized I wanted no one. I wasn’t over my ex, then I was too depressed because of my ex and now I finally couldn’t care less about my ex and I want to meet someone new… but I have this body issue. I’ve never been this heavy and single. I’ve never been over 200 lbs and attempted to date.

Luckily my personality is shining through, or at least I believe it is – that’s not all bad. I used to think it was all doom and gloom. Guys used to ignore me but I’m talking to guys, and cute ones at that. I think my self esteem is getting better!

Soooo… I got to work, dropped off a thumb drive for prints, dropped off my old broken phone at UPS, stopped at Walmart for new wiper blades, stopped at the food co-op and resisted all the temptations to buy a lot of junk but I did get a PBJ sammie, pita chips and humus, other potato chips and some tofu and veggies.

I planned to come home, fry up the tofu and make a rice noodle Thai dish but I was too lazy. Pita chips and humus and a PBJ Sammie for lunch. I came home and did a bit more work and started on my speech. Yes, that speech I’m giving tomorrow. Then I had to pick up my prints, and that gave me the opportunity to go to the bakery. I got a fruit tart, 2 doughnuts and an almond croissant. Yes. Much more than anyone needs. I ate a donut and started on my tofu prep. But the tofu was spoiled! SPOILED TOFU! I’ve been eating tofu for 15-17 years, I’ve never dealt with spoiled tofu. It upset me so much I ate the other donut and fruit tart, more chips, more humus, more pita chips and I ordered a noodle dish and sushi and a smoothie. Then I ate it all.

My stomach is aching and all I want to do is fall sleep. I feel a little woozy actually. This is what I do when I’m stressed or depressed. I realize I haven’t been drinking water for the past couple days. That makes a lot of sense. No water, feeling overly hungry and not be satisfied.

All I want to do is sit in a hot bath to get rid of the bone deep chill from today but I’m telling myself I must have my walk first. Then I have to practice my speech and make note cards. Then I could take a bath but I should have a full nights sleep because tomorrow the conference is all day long and my speech isn’t until 2 pm.

Well wish me luck. I need to drink more water. I need to think before I eat and I need to keep up with my exercise. Sigh.

Day 12

Featured Photo: a rainbow through the fog and clouds this morning

Today wasn’t specifically a tough day. I woke up early, begrudgingly, to hop in the car and drive 2 hours for a 1/2 hour meeting. After that I got back in the car and drove back another 2 hours. It was rainy, my wipers need to be replaced and one deer crossed the road. Thankfully uneventful.

I started off my day with junk food, I over ate for lunch and decided a yogurt and apple would be a sufficient dinner. After lunch I acquired a migraine. I have a food intolerance to Onions and Garlic and I know the black beans are cooked in onions. I just love them so… but not today. I took some Excedrin and a nap and woke up in time to run out the door and to a meeting at an Engineer’s Office. Luckily I noticed the smear of my right eye’s makeup just before I left my car. Great.

The meeting lasted an hour – I came home and punched out some work and started attempting to back up my phone just to kickstart my replacement warranty phone. Easy? Yea maybe but… 3 hours later it was finally complete. Granted to get into all my apps it means attempting to remember my passwords. At least everything is there.

Today was foggy and cloudy all day with heavy downpours, light sprinkles and just for a minute, a break in the wetness. It really started pouring buckets around 6 pm or so. I debated going to the gym or walking in a deluge. By 10 pm my phone had been synced, I had read through the speech I’m giving in 2 days and realized I need to alter it quite a bit, and I thought – now. The rain had calmed down, it was 10 pm and daylight had left me but I could still go. I grabbed my new rain jacket trench which I was excited to try out and the dog and we started power walking. I was feeling really good about it when I was about halfway through our journey and the sky turned on the spigots. It was a gradual increase from sprinkling to showering to down right pouring water from above. Even my water-loving Lab was not impressed.

The power walking increased slightly and I was about to debate on a light jog when my dog and I noticed the skunk crossing the bridge, looking just as frantic as us to get out of the rain. Of course my dog wanted to meet his new BFF and I wanted none of that. Sorry friend, no friends today!!!

I yanked my dog forward and I took off in a sprint. My shoes and pant legs are soaked but the rest of my body is happily dry. The dog was dripping wet but he enjoyed our towel off petting session. My shins are aching but I officially completed my fastest minute mile so far – 18 min/mile. Yea, yea maybe you do an 8 min mile and that’s wonderful but this fat girl is excited. And let’s be fair – I was just walking the dog with a few sniffing stops and one poop.

12 days straight. I wasn’t about to trip up just yet. Lets get onto unlucky 13 🙂

 

Walk walk walk

Featured photo: tiny wild flowers in my yard 

Today I was bad. I went to Starbucks for breakfast and in two bites consumed my days worth of points. Did I mention I’m on weighwatchers? I haven’t been logging, mostly because I know I’m not eating right. 

But the more active you are, the more you can sub for snacks. And this week I’ve been active! I logged 74 activity points this week. I’m supposed to get 35 and Ive always struggled, but 74!! On the other hand I ate 107 points today. I’m only supposed to consume 38. 

Weigh in day should have been today but I’m planning for tomorrow. I did my walk. My calves are starting to ache. I’m pushing them and I love it. 

Now just to get through this week and edit my speech.  I’m giving a speech on Friday!!!

Goal

Featured photo: Tulips in my yard

Spring is here. The grass needs cutting, the tulips have bloomed, the shrubs are coming up; it’s wonderful. 

I’m on a walking streak. Last Saturday I walked the dog and everyday since I’ve told myself to continue. For my health, weight loss, and not to mention, for my dog!

There were times I’d tell myself that it was too cold, too windy and too icy out. Those excuses have no merit now. I’d tell myself it was unfair to go to the gym and leave the dog bored if I exercised without him. That was a scapegoat lie to myself. I told myself, after one more episode, until it was time for bed. I told myself, I’ll just take a nap then realize I slept the day away. 

Not this week. Not now. I want this and I know the more motivated I get with one small baby step will lead to others. 

Today was very boring. I baby sat a mechanic for 3.5 hours then had to deal with attempting to ship a package. Sounds easy but it wasn’t. I just sat in a chair starring at my phone for 3 hours. 

I had missed lunch so of course I got unhealthy junk food for dinner, turned on the tv and fell asleep by 7pm. I woke up at 9:30 and thought, I need to go for my walk!

It was dark, but warmer than it’s been, high 50s. It had been raining earlier but I bought raincoats to eliminate that excuse. I told myself I needed to charge a light up collar for my dog. He’s a black lab and at night without proper street lights, he’s virtually invisible. But I continued to lay on the couch daydreaming about the sexy electrician. 

By 10:30 I told myself, no more excuses. I got up and boom I was walking. The thing is, I enjoy walking. Getting outside is nice. Granted we took a less scenic route and it was dark out, but it still made me happy. 

I am almost getting to the point I know I will be more upset if I don’t go than finding an excuse to lie to myself about why I can’t. 

I’ve been here before, I’ve had a gym rush, I know it from work out classes. How it’s more of a chore not to go than it is to go. I’m excited. I’ve chosen to walk in the rain, after a long work day and now very late in the day. But I’m doing it. Now just to slowly step it up, eating better and more exercise. Actually hitting the recommended 10,000 steps per day would be nice. 

If you’re stuck in that motivation deprived state, if you’re brain or body are trying to convince you it would be embarrassing to go outside, that you don’t have the right clothes, that people will judge you, etc., just remember – you matter, not others! Remember you are doing it for you, not them. And you’ll never get past that mindset unless you start your journey. Everyone starts somewhere. 

But just do it. Just walk. Around the block, and gradually further and faster. The change won’t happen overnight. And the good vibes might not come as quick for you as they did for me. But believe me, when you realize you are just getting off the couch and doing something consistently for a period of time. You can feel damn proud of yourself. Screw any haters who say it’s not enough. As long as you attempt to go faster or farther after so many sessions, you’re on the right track. Just don’t push yourself so far you get discouraged or injured. It’s your journey. No one else’s, just you!

Let’s do this!

A good streak

Featured photo: a flower I was given today 

A month ago a very attractive boy spent a few hours chatting with me and telling me he liked me. A week ago a sub asked me if I wanted to get naked. Today a chubby teenager bought me a shot. I’m flattered Universe. Truly I am. But let’s look into the big picture, the long haul… but legit my ego needed the stroking and I appreciate it. 

I can’t keep recapping my sext from a guy I deem hot… or can I? 

Point being I’ve blogged about all this before. Except for today. Today I saw the hot electrician. He was somehow more hot, more adorable, just more. Swoon. We pretended nothing happened and he left quickly. 

I needed a drink after work. Of course,to chat about all this. 

My friend and I go to the local bar. Nothing fancy, just a local bar that is usually mellow. Not today, it was packed. We said we’d only have one drink there and move on. While we were attempting to talk, a obviously drunken young male interrupts our conversation to ask what some fruity shots were. Immediately I was interested in the challenge. I bartended for a few years in college and at Weddings girls would always want some “fruity” drink. This is an obnoxious request. The issue being, I have no idea what you like, what you think I’ll make you, and I’m not about to have you tell me it’s gross and refuse to pay. Luckily I had a couple recipes that seemed to be drunk girl approved for the situation. 

So, I start digging back into my brain. I mentioned one and told him what was in it. He said, that sounds weak. I said then order some damn whiskey!

He continued with his plight for a fruity shot. Finally one was chosen… and then he gave them to us. 

Now, I’ll say, slick move bro. You got into our conversation, you ordered us a drink we wanted and hooked us cuz you didn’t give us the chance to shoot you down and save your money. Now I felt obligated to talk to him but let’s be real. Sorry dude but I’m still not interested and buying me a not “weak” shot isn’t going to help. I’m not that drunk. 

He attempted to buy me another drink or even order me a water, which was sweet of him. I really did feel bad attempting to be nice but also trying to show him there was nothing happening. My friend was chatting it up with someone else. We had a bit of a conversation by kicking each other under the table. I knew she knew I wanted an out but she was talking to a friend who was leaving town. 

When we said we were leaving he asked where? Like, what? After all the signs you’re still trying? One shot can’t take you that far! Luckily we left and he didn’t follow. Oh yea, and he was the fat 12 year old. Cruel I know, but he was just so young. His pushiness made him less attractive. 

Her husband joined us later and dissected my sext from the hot electrician. It was everything I knew and didn’t want to believe. For him to be that bold, he just wanted sex. He called it, ‘humped and dumped’. 

He thinks we both handled the text professionally. And obviously if any things going to happen it needs to start very slow. 

So, as much as I pictured our wedding and two children, it’s back to the drawing boards. Hmm. Maybe I’m the fat 12 year old, trying to get the gold medal by just being wishful based on a drunken rouse. 

But it was a good laugh and still an ego boost for me. I feel like I haven’t been hit on in years and now 3 times within a month. May sound like how many times you get hit on in an hour, but I rarely go out. I stay in a corner talking to my friend, all my friends are married so I don’t have a wingman. Other times we just hang out at someone’s house. So it’s a big deal for me. 

I’ve also walked my dog 7 times this week. Today will be number 8. It feels really good. 2 miles each time but yesterday was 3 miles. I’m really hoping I can start to drop some weight and continue to increase my confidence. It’s a good feeling. 

A case of the Mondays

Featured photo: my flat tire

This morning started as a typical day. I woke up late and refused to attempt to bust a move. I waited until the last minute and started on my makeup. I’ve been refusing to leave the house before caking my face. 

I realize that my work email on my phone isn’t working. I run upstairs to my work laptop to see if I’m missing anything but it needs to restart and now I’ll be officially late to meet a contractor. 

I attempt to find a phone number but nothing is listed. I run out the door, hop in the car and the low tire pressure lights up. I don’t have far to go but the tire seems to be making a funky noise. When I get to the meeting place the tire is flatter than flat. The contractor is no where to be seen. 

Thank goodness for a spare and AAA. 

Next I get a call from one of my BFFs. She’s getting married this September. What?! It’s supposed to be next year but she just wants to be married already. Gah! Thankfully it’s here in my town so I won’t have to travel. But what about bachelorette parties, bridal showers, bridesmaid dresses and all the other expense that comes with standing in a wedding. Gah! Wait. What about the weight loss? I’ve got 18 weeks to rock my socks and slim down. No I’m not the bride but F that. I’m better with deadlines than board dates. 

After that I get a call about my brother. My brother decided to quit talking to the family a while ago, as in years ago. He’s texted me randomly with promises to visit but they never come through. 

This call was regarding a complaint. A confidential envelope that he needs to know about. If I said I couldn’t contact him he would get in more trouble. What the hell?

I attempted to call and text but I doubt I’ll hear a reply. 

Now I’m sitting at the tire shop. They were able to repair the screw hole in my tire and now they are replacing the spare with the real tire again. 

I still can’t access my work email. I’m pretty behind on everything but at least I’m getting a replacent cell phone on Monday. The mute switch has been overriding the phone and I’ve had no sound for the past month. Good thing it never leaves my hand, or how would I know what’s happening?

May 4

Featured photo: the lone flower I didn’t transplant to the new flower bed last fall. 

I’m stressed. Work is piling up and for some reason I’m exhausted. Beyond that I realized I promised a good friend I’d come back to Chicago to see a concert in a month. 2 weeks later I’m supposed to be at my parents for their 50th wedding anniversary and 1 week after that I start my 2 week vacation. I also just got tickets to see John Mayer again in September, back in Chicago. 

Besides all the travel and eating out, I pay for a dog/house sitter. It adds up fast. 

Yesterday I went on a hike with good friends. It was incredibly short but my dog came with and he got to run leash free. He loved it. Then we went out to eat. My day was done and I was so tired I immediately went to bed. Sleep was solid and blissful. Unfortunately tho, my house isn’t clean and people are coming over at 6 pm tomorrow. I’ve got walk throughs and paper work. House cleaning and cooking all before 6 pm. 

Sigh. 

I went shopping. I looked at labels, food labels. One small slice of Key lime pie is 65-85% of your daily value of saturated fat. I didn’t buy it. Instead I made chocolate chip cookies and potato chips for dinner.

And I wonder why I’m exhausted all the time….