Day 21

Featured photo: sunset from yesterday taken from a bridge

I’ve been exhausted. Waking up early, staying up late, sitting through meetings and still walking everyday. 

I thought today was day 20, but it’s day 21. I started walking on May 6. 

Today I weighed myself. I’m 241 lbs. I was 247 and I’m on my period which usually adds a few lbs. 

I haven’t started a diet but I know I should. My hormones and stress have been crazy too. I’ve been cranky and short, over emotional and loud. 

But now the count up for ‘in a row workouts’ and count down for lbs. 

I see my friends. One after another they drop weight and get engaged. It’s not even a joke or elaboration. Legit they dropped weight and got engaged. And yea you’re not supposed to drop weight for a guy but fuck it. It’s a superficial world out there and in order to meet people, there has to be a level of attraction in order to start the conversation. So duck it. I’m gonna lose weight in order to get a man. 

Let’s get at it. 

spoiled tofu and dehydration

Featured photo: Sunrise from yesterday

Today started off strong but I slowly let go of my grip on anything and just slid down the spiral.

The rain has been a constant lately. The temps have dropped from high 50s to mid 30s. Its bone chilling outside, damp, cold, grey, unhappy. My newly potted flowers and tulips are dying.

I won’t be shy to say I had a nice day-dream solo session … if you catch my drift. A welcoming to the new day, it was really, really good. I haven’t had relations with a man since my ex. I haven’t even kissed anyone except my pillow, in 2 years. I have however, done pretty well with myself. Wink Wink.
I started out wanting anyone, but slowly realized I wanted no one. I wasn’t over my ex, then I was too depressed because of my ex and now I finally couldn’t care less about my ex and I want to meet someone new… but I have this body issue. I’ve never been this heavy and single. I’ve never been over 200 lbs and attempted to date.

Luckily my personality is shining through, or at least I believe it is – that’s not all bad. I used to think it was all doom and gloom. Guys used to ignore me but I’m talking to guys, and cute ones at that. I think my self esteem is getting better!

Soooo… I got to work, dropped off a thumb drive for prints, dropped off my old broken phone at UPS, stopped at Walmart for new wiper blades, stopped at the food co-op and resisted all the temptations to buy a lot of junk but I did get a PBJ sammie, pita chips and humus, other potato chips and some tofu and veggies.

I planned to come home, fry up the tofu and make a rice noodle Thai dish but I was too lazy. Pita chips and humus and a PBJ Sammie for lunch. I came home and did a bit more work and started on my speech. Yes, that speech I’m giving tomorrow. Then I had to pick up my prints, and that gave me the opportunity to go to the bakery. I got a fruit tart, 2 doughnuts and an almond croissant. Yes. Much more than anyone needs. I ate a donut and started on my tofu prep. But the tofu was spoiled! SPOILED TOFU! I’ve been eating tofu for 15-17 years, I’ve never dealt with spoiled tofu. It upset me so much I ate the other donut and fruit tart, more chips, more humus, more pita chips and I ordered a noodle dish and sushi and a smoothie. Then I ate it all.

My stomach is aching and all I want to do is fall sleep. I feel a little woozy actually. This is what I do when I’m stressed or depressed. I realize I haven’t been drinking water for the past couple days. That makes a lot of sense. No water, feeling overly hungry and not be satisfied.

All I want to do is sit in a hot bath to get rid of the bone deep chill from today but I’m telling myself I must have my walk first. Then I have to practice my speech and make note cards. Then I could take a bath but I should have a full nights sleep because tomorrow the conference is all day long and my speech isn’t until 2 pm.

Well wish me luck. I need to drink more water. I need to think before I eat and I need to keep up with my exercise. Sigh.

A good streak

Featured photo: a flower I was given today 

A month ago a very attractive boy spent a few hours chatting with me and telling me he liked me. A week ago a sub asked me if I wanted to get naked. Today a chubby teenager bought me a shot. I’m flattered Universe. Truly I am. But let’s look into the big picture, the long haul… but legit my ego needed the stroking and I appreciate it. 

I can’t keep recapping my sext from a guy I deem hot… or can I? 

Point being I’ve blogged about all this before. Except for today. Today I saw the hot electrician. He was somehow more hot, more adorable, just more. Swoon. We pretended nothing happened and he left quickly. 

I needed a drink after work. Of course,to chat about all this. 

My friend and I go to the local bar. Nothing fancy, just a local bar that is usually mellow. Not today, it was packed. We said we’d only have one drink there and move on. While we were attempting to talk, a obviously drunken young male interrupts our conversation to ask what some fruity shots were. Immediately I was interested in the challenge. I bartended for a few years in college and at Weddings girls would always want some “fruity” drink. This is an obnoxious request. The issue being, I have no idea what you like, what you think I’ll make you, and I’m not about to have you tell me it’s gross and refuse to pay. Luckily I had a couple recipes that seemed to be drunk girl approved for the situation. 

So, I start digging back into my brain. I mentioned one and told him what was in it. He said, that sounds weak. I said then order some damn whiskey!

He continued with his plight for a fruity shot. Finally one was chosen… and then he gave them to us. 

Now, I’ll say, slick move bro. You got into our conversation, you ordered us a drink we wanted and hooked us cuz you didn’t give us the chance to shoot you down and save your money. Now I felt obligated to talk to him but let’s be real. Sorry dude but I’m still not interested and buying me a not “weak” shot isn’t going to help. I’m not that drunk. 

He attempted to buy me another drink or even order me a water, which was sweet of him. I really did feel bad attempting to be nice but also trying to show him there was nothing happening. My friend was chatting it up with someone else. We had a bit of a conversation by kicking each other under the table. I knew she knew I wanted an out but she was talking to a friend who was leaving town. 

When we said we were leaving he asked where? Like, what? After all the signs you’re still trying? One shot can’t take you that far! Luckily we left and he didn’t follow. Oh yea, and he was the fat 12 year old. Cruel I know, but he was just so young. His pushiness made him less attractive. 

Her husband joined us later and dissected my sext from the hot electrician. It was everything I knew and didn’t want to believe. For him to be that bold, he just wanted sex. He called it, ‘humped and dumped’. 

He thinks we both handled the text professionally. And obviously if any things going to happen it needs to start very slow. 

So, as much as I pictured our wedding and two children, it’s back to the drawing boards. Hmm. Maybe I’m the fat 12 year old, trying to get the gold medal by just being wishful based on a drunken rouse. 

But it was a good laugh and still an ego boost for me. I feel like I haven’t been hit on in years and now 3 times within a month. May sound like how many times you get hit on in an hour, but I rarely go out. I stay in a corner talking to my friend, all my friends are married so I don’t have a wingman. Other times we just hang out at someone’s house. So it’s a big deal for me. 

I’ve also walked my dog 7 times this week. Today will be number 8. It feels really good. 2 miles each time but yesterday was 3 miles. I’m really hoping I can start to drop some weight and continue to increase my confidence. It’s a good feeling. 

Work and sex

Featured Image: part of the coast guard ship in the harbor

Just last night I was on here, about to put fingers to keyboard, digital letters to computer screen… but then I got a text.

I was about to talk about how proud I was that I had been walking my dog. Each day of the weekend, even though Saturday I had a mild hangover. Monday night and especially Tuesday night after a 13 hour work day which included 8 hours of exhausting driving. I was so excited I might be making a new healthier habit for myself. Even if it is just walking but I’m walking every day – 2 miles.

But that wasn’t very interesting once I saw my phone.

If you hadn’t seen my previous post, I’ll recap.

I work in construction. I am a female construction manager. We are currently developing a project in my hometown. It can be intimidating at times being the only female on a job project in a sea of men. I’ve seen them stare at my boobs instead of listen to me talk. I’ve heard them talk behind my back when I walk past. I am not so hot that I get every man’s attention, but, as they say, and to be very cliche, men will be men.

On the flip side, if you will, I am a female with a sea of men. Not many of them are attractive or my age, but every once in awhile some man comes along that is attractive, witty, fun, caring, and supportive. I may be flirtatious but I have NEVER done anything with a co-worker or subcontractor. I’ve been single for over 2 years now. I’m finally over my ex, and the abuse he put me through. I’ve finally gotten my self-esteem back. I’m wearing make-up and thinking about my outfits. Even though I’m almost 250 lbs, I’m 5’9″ and am lucky to carry it proportionately, though I’ve been told I have huge boobs and a huge ass.

I met with a potential subcontractor a few weeks ago. I was pretty proud of my make up and my outfit choice. The person I had spoken to on the phone sounded young and attractive but I am usually wrong. This time I wasn’t. As soon as I entered his office I felt like we both did a double take. He was my age, amazing blue eyes and very attractive. There was awkward chit chat and he made a big deal of clearing off his desk to discuss the plans. I asked him about his dog. I remember smiling and giggling.  After a few weeks he agreed to go on a walk through to tour the sites.

Everything was typical. I told him what I’d like him to price up. How I’d like him to install things and asked him for his expertise and thoughts on the best way. The last site was a campground and there was a dog. I remember talking to the dog more than him, thinking the poor old dog was abandoned since there were no owners in site. At one point the old fella took off running after moving very slowly and I realized he was chasing a squirrel. While my potential subcontractor was discussing his thoughts for the project I just pointed at the dog and said, “HA Squirrel!” like some strange dog cartoon from a pixar movie. He looked at me and laughed, somehow we finished the conversation we needed to have.

I forced a handshake and to say Thank you. I remember leaving his office, weeks before, by just turning around and walking out. I’m bad about goodbyes when I’m nervous. He asked me if I was done with him and I said, Yes. I knew he thought his prices would be far too high for what we were attempting to do, but he didn’t know the extent behind what we were doing. The dog hopped in his truck with him, which is when I realized the dog I had been telling to find its owner, well, his owner was with us all along.

15 hours later at 6:30am I received a text. “Wanna get naked” followed by “Nothing wrong with two nerds making each other shake”.

Slightly hung over I looked at it, smiled at the thought, because it was from this subcontractor I had just walked with. The one that I made sure my make-up was perfect and tried on a few different shirts before settling on one that showed more skin that I would typically wear around contractors. And I set the phone back down waiting for the text stating that it was the wrong number. Instant apologizes and excuses. I thought about the girl he meant to text. Not a girlfriend, this was someone new, someone he hadn’t slept with before. Maybe a girl he had gone on a date with before? Someone who had gotten to 2nd base but not all the way? Lucky girl regardless… but at 6:30 in the morning? Who made crack of dawn booty calls?

I waited… but no return text.

I looked over that message a 1000 times and shared it with friends who thought maybe I was the person it was intended for. The thought was exciting and brilliant. I couldn’t get the thought out of my head of having sex with him. The thought of us dating and getting married and it all stemming from a steamy text. I know I’m getting ahead of myself but as I mentioned – I’ve been single for over 2 years. I’ve gone on a few pointless dates – one that brought me a second date but it still wasn’t a great date.

I decided to text back something flirty – something to show I’m interested but also something that lets me off the hook if it wasn’t intended for me. I thought I’d text it back first thing Monday morning – maybe he would think it was my work phone and I didn’t check it over the weekend. But after I sent it… nothing. No text back, no acknowledgement. I started to think I shouldn’t have been so flirty in my text, that somehow it could be held against me.

During my work day I was in several meetings in which they talked about how I would be walking him through for different quotes for work. His business is a little more specific. I thought, how will I get through this if he never responds to me again? Did I upset him somehow? I had no idea.

Then, Tuesday night – almost 40 hours after I texted him, I get a response. He thanked me for giving him an easy out but then bared his soul saying he was drunk and lonely. He was a sucker for sparkling eyes, a great smile and humble intelligence. He thanked me for not making him feel like an idiot.

I immediately texted back that he wasn’t an idiot – more so that we had to continue working together. It was more business than I wanted to text him – especially after the compliments. A cute, smart, successful guy was not only complimenting me but he wanted to have sex with me. Me, a 250 lb train wreck of a person… well the 250 lb part he could see but perhaps I hide the fact I’m a train wreck…

He told me work would be fine and then I said that the text had me smiling all weekend. I hoped it was enough to let him know I was interested but work was complicated. I spoke with him today and we both rushed the conversation, stepping on each others words. I’m attempting to set up another walk through, a way I’d be able to see him again.

It’s ridiculous that I think about feminism all the time. I think about how men treat me on the job site and some of the rude things I’ve heard them say. I think about these things and how I was essentially sexted by a potential subcontractor and I’m over the moon about it.

My friends are telling me to go for him and not accept his bid. They understand that I can’t have an intimate relationship with someone I’m attempting to bid on my project. They are excited for me to have someone that is attracted to me and nice, and I’m equally if not more attracted to him.

How do you deal with it all? Here I am trying not to combine sex and work but its really hard. And who is this guy that is so bold to ask if I want to get naked with him but so vulnerable to admit he was drunk and lonely. All I want to do is have sex with him and cuddle and make us both feel better about life. Now I need to figure out my next steps. It was far more easy when I could tell myself that text wasn’t for me. But now that I know it was for me… now that’s the hard part.

Work phones and sexting

Featured photo: a text I woke up to

Yesterday was the 5th of May. Every year I pull out the quesadilla maker I got for free from my Best friend’s-ex boyfriend’s-roommate who moved out and left it behind. Yup. Free quesadilla maker. 

I had quite a spread of veggies, beans, peppers and tons of cheese. Friends brought ice cream, salsa, chips, re fried beans. My vegan friend brought his fake cheese. 

We ate, we drank, I swore a lot when talking about our one mutual friend who has chosen to ignore us all, and it was fun.  This morning I got a text message. It was more spicy than the jalapeños I had chopped up from last night. 

This text was from a cute boy, he’s got an old dog that’s adorable, he brings him to work with him. We walked through the camp ground, which isn’t opened yet, talking and walking with his dog. 

But. 

This cute guy is a potential sub contractor. That walk… that was for work and the talking was about quotes for work I’d like him to do for a project, and not a personal contract. He texted at 7 am on a Saturday. I guarantee this text wasn’t for me. 

I’ve gotten texts that weren’t meant for me before. My only phone is a work phone that I can use for personal because I pay a small monthly fee for it. It is dangerous having it on me at all times, butt dialing my boss while drinking, worrying I shared my personal social media with business contacts, etc. Also, I work in Construction. I’m a female manager working, usually, with all men. Balancing what is legally sexual harassment and just un-PC jokes is a daily part of my job. But I handle it all with a touch of, ‘this is construction’ and ‘am I actually offended?’

I’ve gotten a text saying, “I love you” or “I’ll see you soon” but never something so sexual. Every time I’ve replied, ‘haha this isn’t for me’ but this was still different. Most times the text came from someone I knew was married, that I had been working with for a while and we had a working relationship that we could laugh it off. This one is from someone I’ve met twice, googled and realized is single and a similar age. I think he’s really cute. So part of me wouldn’t mind if it was actually meant for me but…

It wasn’t sent drunkenly, it was sent at 7am. There was no sort of context to make it make sense. Being that he’s cute and I’d wish it was meant for me… I still haven’t responded. I didn’t say , hey this wasn’t meant for me. I thought he’d speak up but nothing. 

I think I have to respond, maybe on Monday? Maybe just ignore it? I just don’t know what to do. 

I feel like I’m making it more awkward for myself. I’m not offended by it, honestly it makes me more attracted to him. But how do you separate work and personal? How do you coexist when one wrong documented text can be held against you and your career? I haven’t figured that out. 

Who do you love

Featured photo: my homemade latte type beverage. 

In the words of John Mayer, “Who do you love? Me or the thought of me.”

I’ve thought about that. Guys I have crushes on or even what guys might think of me. I may come off as a tough, gruff, I’ll fix it myself, independent lady. And maybe I am. Maybe everyone is emotional and has weak points. Maybe everyone has an exoskeleton but something much softer and weak underneath. 

I like to give off the appearance I’ve got the world at my finger tips and that I choose my destiny but part of me knows it’s just dumb luck. I sit in the couch more than I do the awesome things I’d rather be known for. Am I sham? Meh, maybe slightly. 

But take this homemade latte I made. It’s not really a latte. It’s coffee with heated/whipped 2% milk in it. But it’s got foam like a latte. It’s more than just coffee but honestly it’s just coffee. 

What do I love? The actual thing or the thought of it? 

Deep John Mayer… deep. 

The easy life

Featured photo: spring bulbs in bloom

I realized how easy it is to be unhappy, to be messy, to be overweight or unhealthy. 

I realized the relief when the cute guy who I was flirting with left two weeks ago. I know how I’ve acted insane in order for past boyfriends to break up with me. I realized I ran away when the guy I was in love with told me I could move in with him, because running away was easier than attempting commitment. That was 12 years ago. 

I’ve got the tools, time and money to eat healthy, workout and lose the weight. But year after year I’ve lied to myself. I walk around with a scowl on my face because it takes work to smile. 

I promise myself weekends or days to clean my house and somehow find it more a mess than it was before. 

I’ve chosen the easy life. Even my last relationship. I should have ended it before it began. I knew there were issues 5 years before it finally exploded… but the thought of being with a college sweetheart. Getting a career, marriage, house and babies, even a dog right after college- that’s the dream. It was easy. But it wasn’t. It was work to pretend I had the easy path. It was all a lie I told myself. 

I realize I need to work. Work on my life. It’s easy to be single. Not to worry about another person. No wondering what they are thinking or feeling. No keeping the house clean for a potential date or looking good for anyone. 

Not that I’ve started. I’ve taken steps here or there but this week alone I must have eaten 2 lbs of salted peanuts. Excitingly though I got a nalgene and I’ve been pounding water. That’s a plus. 

So here’s to a new thought. Stop being lazy or basking in my laziness. Start working at my life, at my health and relationships. Being easy isn’t the happy choice. You don’t feel fulfilled when something is easy. You feel a rush and get excited after something was difficult. 

Here’s for my next step. Quitting the easy life. 

Sigh, smile, repeat

Featured photo: John Mayer in concert last night. 

I grew up listening to the Bealtles and Led Zepplin. My dad thought Elvis was too risqué but classic rock and oldies from the 50s-60s were his go to. I got into Metal around 1989ish and loved hair metal, glam metal, regular metal but not death metal- if I couldn’t sing along I didn’t enjoy it. I was obsessed with Richard Marx when I was 12 and still did when I started jamming to the grunge scene a year later. 

Grunge turned into the blanket alternative then ska then punk. Throughout I loved all the music of my past but just kept adding genres to it. I went a slight route down old school twangy country even. 

When I got my first job, my first dive into a career after college, I thought I had to grow up. Let my punk rock attitude stay as a past life. I took out the Lebret/lip ring, bought boring new clothes, wore clothes to cover up my tattoos and went back to my contemporary/oldies genre of music. 

I didn’t know what I was doing. It was a moment you see in movies and read in books. It was time to grow up and be an adult. I was 30. Time for mortgages, 401k, marriage and babies. My boyfriend at the time was on that path- though he had always been on that path. He didn’t necessarily like my punk rock days of yore, so I went with it and “grew up”. 

If it sounds like a shitty relationship from the get go, well, I applaud you for being wiser than I was back then. Five years later I was fat, lazy, depressed and ashamed. Ashamed I let myself give up the things I knew made me happy for things that I only thought should bring me happiness. 

Last year I went to Riot Fest in Chicago. 3 days of mostly punk bands and it was one of the happiest times I can remember in the past decade. Since then I started listening to punk again, picking up the pieces of a past life I threw away 6 years prior. 

I also got into John Mayer. I always thought I hated his music until I discovered he’s not just a love song croner. He’s actually a break up song, lonesome drifter with a lot of baggage (and aren’t we all?), a ridiculous amount of talent in writing, playing, singing, comedy and being weird as fuck and living his truth. And in the scheme of things, who gives a shit about who he’s dated. It’s all anyone can focus on, but hell if I want to be judged solely on whom I’ve dated. Seriously, just start googling him. His albums Born and Raised and Paradise Valley are nothing like the one hit you prolly remember. His new album is fun to dance to while still telling the tale of a shitty breakup and just being sad for love lost, but also there’s hope. There’s living life while still having emotions. There’s remembering about tomorrow and what you can make of it. It’s not doom and gloom. It’s a touch of gloom but far more inspiration. 

His music pulled me out of a serious depression and reminded me to find the things that bring me happiness instead of trying to find this mythical happiness in someone else’s dream. His snapchat showed me not to take yourself serious. Be fun and goofy and weird as fuck and be with the people who appreciate you rather than trying to live up to someone else’s standards. I tried to be what I thought my job and boyfriend wanted me to be. I tried to make this American Dream standard happen. But fuck standards. Be you! That’s the success, just being happy being whomever you are!

John Mayer is seriously responsible for me getting over and moving on from the death of what I thought I needed to be, and my rebirth into who I always was. And it’s a seriously great thing!

Now, I can’t promise you’ll have an epiphany like me, you might not dig his humor or tunes. But I got to see him in concert last night and I’m still giddy as hell. It was a fantastic show, a hell of a performance and it only left me wanting more and more. 

Luckily I’ve got 2 more concerts this week, Me First and the Gimmie Gimmies- a punk super group of sorts that only does covers and Lucky Boys Confusion- a Chicago band I’ve been in love with for nearly 20 years. 

Music is my life. I’m happy I can see that clearly now. Sigh, smile and repeat. 😊

Excitement 

Featured photo: the start of my landscaping work. 

Yesterday was a sunny 60+ degree day. I woke up late. I even had alarms set to begin my day but I couldn’t pull the motivation together. 

Finally I got to the store, stacked 297.5 lbs of pavers in my car along with 200lbs of sand, 300 lbs of topsoil and a baby chainsaw. I got home and started working, for 2 hours before showering, caking on some makeup and changing my outfit to a final; jeans, Misfits concert tee and pink converse with a maroon hoodie. Haha 37 be damned, I’ll dress like a teenager for life. 

My friends and I walked down to the brewery close by. It was a festival announcing spring with music and food-truck delights. After 2 hours I turned to my friend and said, it’s time you find me a man. As I said it I locked eyes with a cute boy. He turned around, realizing he actually knew my friend! They were old coworkers. Quick small talk and he quickly had his arm around my shoulders. It was a whirlwind conversation and I was completely smitten. He defended anything I said, talked up about any of my interests, and put his arm around me several times. 

He left to go to the bathroom and my friends said they were ready to leave. I said have fun, I’m staying! I found him again and for the next 3 hours we sat and talked and talked and talked. 

We have much more in common than I could imagine. We laughed, we drank, we flirted. He flat out told me he liked me and his confidence put mine to shame. We went back outside to the tent with the music, he ran into co-workers, they stepped away and I didn’t follow- he didn’t say he’d be right back or to come with, I was just … left. 

I was more than drunk, I was wasted by this point. Thinking I wanted to take him home but knowing full well my house was a maze of disorder. I’d be embarrassed to have friends over let alone a love interest! Plus, when you’re that drunk you can’t make good decisions. 

Being slightly sad, why did he seem so into me and then poof! Disapear? But also relieved. Relieved I could leave and no awkward goodbye no nothing. Cut all ties and not worry about what could be or should be. 

It was exciting and terrifying. He was 10 years my junior, he’ll be 28 in August. But oh so adorable. He thought I was his age or younger and that only made it that much more exciting. We did become Facebook friends, and my friends think I should write him my phone number, but I also think he could do the same. 

My thought is to give it a week and see if he reaches out to me. I mean with his confidence, if he was interested, wouldn’t you have thought to ask me for my number? Wouldn’t he have messaged me on FB and wondered where I went?

Regardless it should be good motivation to clean this place up!

Budgets and Calories

Feature photo: today’s Sky in my town. 

I realized my goal for March came and went as quickly as I thought of it. Save money, don’t dine out unless invited, diet, study for an exam and exercise. Basically none of it happened. I racked up my credit cards again,gained weight, ate out a ton, didn’t study,  unsure if I went to the gym once. 

This month my goal will be to clean and keep my house clean. All I need to do is pretend a date is coming over. You want a clean house right? Then, if I get take-out food I must be thrifty. Under $10 unless you’re invited out. That should help with saving money. And by being thrifty I’m hoping I order less food, which helps with dieting! 

Let’s see what I can do. So far my house is still trashed, I ate a boatload of deep fried chicken wings, but it was 1/2 price wings tonight so I got them at a deal. 1 outta… like 5 ain’t bad.