Months

I know its been long. I don’t know how long because I’ve come to this site and written drafts. Sometimes I think I saved them, but after emotional ones – I know I’ve thrown them away.

I got pretty depressed. I dreamed up a life I didn’t have and then was crushed when my dreams didn’t come true. It’s a bit delusional but also part of my healing process. I’m closer to being ready to date again. I bought a box of new condemns in celebration.

I’m out of my funk of being cheated and mentally abused. I’m now in a funk of, well I guess just a general funk. I’m lazy, very unclean, my house is a disaster, my yard is even worse. I’ve lost 20 lbs and gained them back easily. Today I ordered food for 3 and ate it all – I’m also getting over a hangover.

Reading this you might say – well you may think Jesus! That girl needs help!

A little bit yes and a bit no. I’ll find my way – I always do. Honestly I’m in a much better place mentally than I was months ago. I’m back here to document and keep myself accountable.

I promised my cat I would find them a new dad this year – and damnit – I only have 3 months left.

Well back in March I started home repairs. I painted the living room, the entry way, the stairway and 2 hallways, and 2 walls of the kitchen. I ripped out the carpet in the living room and put down Vinyl plank flooring. I haven’t finished the trim but just last week I finally cut in the last row – that was the biggest pain of all but its done. Now just the trim to curse at.

I bought new furniture – only one piece in the living room is older. I did a back splash in the kitchen and for Black Friday plan on buying a new oven. Last Black Friday I got a wall mounted TV and new entertainment center. With the new flooring I bought new throw rugs. I’m so close to having an adult living room. I also bought a new table for my kitchen. Though my dog destroyed it with multiple scratches while he tried to attack the boy shoveling my back deck.

Now all I need to do is go through all my junk and downsize. Throw things out that are trash and keep things neat before I go to bed.

It shouldn’t be hard but its the way I can keep from bringing boys back home with me. It’s my fail safe – my house is trashed!

I brought a co-worker over after a night of heavy drinking and it never occurred to me that he wanted to have sex. Duh Sarah, why did we go back to your house when you were trying to take him back to his hotel room. He complimented me all night – telling me there were reasons people meet and he knew it the day he met me. He’s married with a 5 year old son. He’s been with his wife for 18 years. WTF. Like – WTF. Thankfully i got the hint and finally drove him back to the hotel. We haven’t talked about it and that’s fine.

This weekend was beer fest. Two days of being really drunk with friends. I met a guy – we were talking about Chicago and cities and food and beer. He was the brewmaster for a brewery about 8 hours away. He wanted to move to this area because he loves it. They were going around town and bar hoping, I should join. Someone in my group had his friend’s number. Cool.

I thought about it again, my house is trashed but then I thought – how much would I just love to make out with this guy? The group of friends I was with split up. My friend got a text from her friend with the guys number for me to call/text to hook up with them. She was too drunk to tell me.

This morning I was a little sad that I went home alone. I was telling my friend the history of the night when she was able to Facebook stalk the brewery, to find his photo. There it was bright as day – wedding ring. WTF. There was no sign of one last night. I instantly got mad. I’m just the plump girl who is good for a fuck I suppose? Granted I’m not making the best of choices but seriously – this is the third guy who came on to me and he’s married. I hate all men. Mostly.

Regardless I’m back. I’m here to find my success, hold on to some sanity and hopefully have some good news about weight loss, exercise and relationships!

Time will tell.

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Insanity

In the last month I’ve had several people drop their jaw as I explained, “I’m older than most people think; I’m 38.”

I’ve always been told I look younger than I am but now the reactions seem mind blowing.

While I appreciate I still have a youthful appearance and I’d only hope to have just as youthful personality and energy, but what is it that makes people disbelieve so much? Is 38 a step in the grave, should I look more like the crypt keeper? Why is it so shocking for me to be 38. Certainly 37 didn’t seem to be a reason to exclaim, “You’ve aged well!”

Wtf, I’m aged now? Am I a cheese or wine?

The other day I heard, “you look incredible for your age”!

Do people typically look horrible when they turn 38? I mean, the compliments are nice, but the shock is disheartening. It’s only making me feel older.

My crush thought I was 26. Many others said they’d agree.

Things are weird currently. I can tell it’s hanging over me. I’ve spent over a $1,000 shopping in the last week.

I lost 20 lbs- I hit 229, then I binged on food and booze and hit 240 a week later. The body is a cruel bitch. Regardless I’m wearing my size 16 jeans. They are tight as hell but I can zip them and that’s all that matters. I started my diet again and suddenly I started shopping. Blowing $80 on makeup. I have endless make up. $150 or more on 4 pairs of shoes. Because better to buy 3 pairs of rain boots and return one rather than buy one at a time. Also a pair of wedges for vacation.

I bought $400 + on work outfits online, well tops and jeans. Who knows if they will fit. Then I went to the store and spent $200 on a vacuum and bras. I just ordered $200 of clothes from Target. I bought some shirts and a mug from the college I attended. I purchased new music and a ringtone for my phone. I went to TJMaxx and found $25 shampoo and petsmart for a $50 cat tree. What’s wrong with me?

I had a dream I was in an insane asylum. I attempted to explain that I was sane but they stuck me full of drug filled syringes. I felt my brain begin to melt. I was out of the asylum with my coworkers, as Dreams always seem to leave out important segways, and the town I live in had been bombed. Buildings were on fire, rubble littered the street and the police were announcing to evacuate downtown. I wanted to see my dog, see if he was ok but I couldn’t. Next I know we’re back at the asylum. I had to go back to the asylum to self commit. I was handed a paper and told my boss, you take this. He said no. You deal with it. I attempted to quickly explain I couldn’t have anything f with me when I committed. He said I needed to figure it out. – well if that isn’t life, eh?

Do I feel like I’m loosing it. That my hometown is now a war zone because of this job. Things are too close and just too far away from home. I’m loosing mind

Yea. That might be spot on.

I don’t know what’s happening. I’m ready to date and I’m not. I erased all my dating profiles. I had a drink with another work person, then stalked him online. After seeing that a certain girl “lived” at his address I quickly internet searched her. Seems perhaps that they dated a few years back. But I honestly can’t tell if they are currently dating. My mind went to rage as I remembered my crush was downstate with his baby mama/ fiancĂ© and I realized why I had a dream I was committed.

I need to find my chill.

Barriers

I just had a dream. I was talking to my crush but we were in different rooms or almost like there was a partition between us. He calmly kept talking from his side and I awkwardly squirmed and shifted to attempt to see him while we talked. Same conversation as normal but there was a barrier.

Funny how your subconscious depicts life. It’s the perfect analogy. Nothing’s changed except I can’t have him.

My mother told me she had, essentially, psychic dreams. We had Gypsy blood in our family, she told me, and as a child she dreamt of snakes for a while, they would climb in through the floor and walls. My grandfather investigated the crawl space under the house one day to find a pit of snakes under my mothers room.

When I was in my 20s I often dreamt of dating my favorite rock star. I knew his real name was PC but wasn’t sure what it stood for. In many dreams his name was Paul and we met at a dinner while with two of my friends. I met my real boyfriend exactly that way months later. At a dinner with the same friends, his name was Paul and I was madly in love with him.

It didn’t work out however. I was still a virgin and thought about waiting until marriage. We once rented a hotel room but we hit a snag and it didn’t happen. Without realizing I insulted him, it ended up being a bad time and later he admitted to sleeping with his ex and cheating on me.

He was the first to cheat on me. Honestly, pretty much every long term relationship I’ve had since, I’ve been cheated on.

This crush, well, he’s off the market because he’ll now be a baby daddy. I had only wished he had told me he was in love. I wished he would have told me, I rekindled a old flame and the timing finally worked. No, I’m getting married cuz she’s pregnant.

Just fitting that I dreamt of a barrier. I really do still enjoy him as a friend but I don’t think the friendship can grow given the circumstances.

And I get back up… eventually

So. I was dealt a blow. I had made up a dream scenario in my head of my perfectly ever after. Today, after being teased for 3 months that it could come true, after really talking about things for a year. (No we weren’t involved but there was flirting, and obviously complications because of work). Even other people telling me it would … it was burst. “I’m getting married cuz I’m having a baby”.

Awesome. So glad to hear you’re in love. So nice that you’ve never bothered to mention her name or even that there was a her. It was a smack across my face. Here I was thinking Disney Fairy Tales while you’re apparently in your own or, you know, need to be married so your child isn’t born in sin. Whatever.

Obviously I’m hurt. I stuck my neck out for this guy. Tried to stand up for him when others didn’t. Wanted to protect him and be there for him. I wanted to be his everything but he was giving that to someone else while flirting with me.

What hurts the most is my friends were right. Here’s the second guy I’ve opened my wounded heart to, only to have him crush it again. It’s more than a crush, and it’s less than obsessive. He told me I was beautiful. It’s silly and small but it was the first compliment that felt sincere and special since my ex crushed my spirit.

I was reduced to rubble and barely getting by. Depression is hard. Feeling worthless not only because you can’t see the sun when it’s shining, but when you’ve been told for so long that you’re nothing and no one will ever want you, it becomes truth. It becomes you. It’s as if nothing ever mattered before or will again. That’s mental and emotional abuse and until you (hopefully never) experience it, you’ll never understand how much damage it does. How much pain and weight it carries. If it was physical abuse I would have needed a hospital stay and should have been in years of rehab. Instead I tried to heal myself, or really just shelter myself from the world.

I gained 50 lbs, quit doing the things I loved. Lived in a trash can of my house and just let my world slowly unravel. Day by day things were easier but some days the weight got harder, the day grew darker and the sun wouldn’t rise. But I saw the words, you’re beautiful and smart. Someone saw value in me. Someone looked at me with longing. It wasn’t over night magic. I didn’t believe it. He couldn’t be talking about me. But he was. Over and over I played it out in my head. But I couldn’t accept. It was work related. I needed to stay at arms length and be professional.

But … yet again, I pushed away and they get married to someone else. This is the second time. The first I was still with my ex. I broke it off and kicked him out of the house but he came back, told me he’d make it right. Told me all the things I longed for him to say. Then after he snarled me in his web the abuse started again. At that point my potential suitor was gone.

Tonight, I went to the gym. I did an assessment and lifted more weights than I assumed I could. I was told I don’t need to lose as much weight as I assumed- over 60lbs but not 100 as I thought. I told her I wanted a trainer. Someone to hold me accountable. To shame me and make me feel guilt. But honestly I want, and desperately need someone to tell me I’m good, that I can do it and do it well. I need encouragement and praise. I need to feel worthy and whole. I need to be able to accept that my ex abused me and people, not just one person and enter my heart and mind and soul. I can love again and I don’t have to imagine it. I just need to believe in it. That’s the hardest part. Believing in myself, standing up for myself and loving myself. I really need to start day dreaming about me. Being there for me.

A knock down

I haven’t posted in a month. I thought about it. I contemplated. I thought, what if I jinx it?

Today all dreams, day and night, crashed and shattered.

Nothing actually happened. No one died, no one was hurt, except my imaginary world where I’m happy.

Jesus that sounds emo af.

I had a dream a week ago. All I remember was that it was dark, but a tall man touched my neck ever so gently to move the clasp of my necklace to the back of my neck. Then we both leaned in for a kiss. It was perfect.

I woke up and looked in the mirror at my necklace. The clasp had worked it’s way into the pendant’s loop. As I tried to move the clasp to the back the chain snapped. It was broken without repair and the jewelry store was closed on Sunday.

All I could think is that it was a sign, you had a chance but it’s over now. I thought maybe if I get a new chain ASAP there could still be a chance. But the chain spoke, and the dreams broke right along with it.

Sorry to start with a mopey, emo post for April. I’m off to the gym. Hoping I won’t cry but instead and fight 80 lbs off with anger and pain and have a rocking bod before the end of the year to make me feel good. We can hope.

Procrastination and fear

I read an article about self inflicted anxiety over procrastination. You put something off. By avoiding it you have relief but each day you continue, the anxiety grows. The temporary relief makes it appear worth while but it’s not. Sometimes snowballing into worse issues.

He makes a valid point by saying you initially avoid something due to fear.

I thought about my own procrastination. Weight loss. I know how. Stop being lazy. Get moving. Eat better and less.

I don’t do it. Why? I take comfort in food. I also take comfort in blaming my weight for being unhappy, single and what have you.

Cleaning my house. Every time I organize my house. Pick things off the floor, clean the counter, organize something, I feel wonderful. Why do t I keep this up? Is it because I can’t invite people in if it’s a mess? I can’t have boys over, I will have time to go out rather than the excuses I use now to stay home?

Why? Why do I fear having a life? It’s a sick cycle. I need to beak it.

Diets and cleaning

I refused to clean my house for my overnight guests last weekend. I attempted to bring someone home despite the mess. What’s going on here?

This weekend I slugged most of the weekend away. Giddily excited that I spoke to my crush but not excited enough to share any real news. I canceled yoga but actually got a hair cut. Will wonders ever cease?

I pseudo cleaned. Throwing things away, vacuuming and swiffering the floor. I made a mess of my kitchen counter but hey, the living room almost looks livable.

The diet was off the charts. All I wanted was to eat eat eat while picturing sun dresses and sunshine. I bought plane tickets to go to New Jersey. Princeton to be exact, in 2 months. Technically 3 months I guess. If I could drop 20 lbs in that time – I mean, could you imagine? I’d feel like I would be on top of the world. Instead I eat and eat and eat.

I bought salad and some veggies. Here’s to hoping I eat them. The more I eat the Nutrisystem dinners the more I dislike them. I’m thinking of quoting the auto purchase. Maybe still order breakfast and lunch. But the dinner options are just gross.

I’m hoping I can clean and keep the house clean. I’m hoping I might get that fun membership and really start working. I’m hoping I’ll find a cute guy and things will happen. I gotta stop relying on hope. It’s gotten my no where in the last decade.

March 2nd

I told myself on March 1st that it was a new month. A good time to focus on the diet. Then the option of getting bbq ribs for dinner happened and suddenly nothing else mattered.

Today I thought, it’s Friday! My manager left this morning and the Water guy was leaving by 3 pm. No dinners out and I could skip eating lunch with them. Well, the water guys flight was canceled. So we got steak for dinner.

Somehow my calories in weren’t super extreme. Mostly because I had only eaten 500 calories by dinner time. Leaving room for 1500 cal dinners.

My new month of frozen foods came along with some snacks and shakes I bought.

My weight is back up to 245, only 3 lbs down essentially in 3 weeks. Granted it’s been a busy 3 weeks with most days eating out.

Tomorrow I’ve already scheduled yoga. I’ve got a plan to clean the house and be ready for company. Though I have no company planned, I’d like to be ready for anything.

Taking a chance and a taco

I’ve been single for years. Read that, years.

I’ve been depressed, full of anxiety and excuses. Lately though, my depression seems to have holes through it, like a moth-hole ridden sweater. The sun shines through and my confidence has risen. I walk around imagining guys staring at my ass or stealing peaks at my breasts. I look in the mirror and the vision of my younger, skinner self is met with the obese, while curvy, chunky, awkward body that is reality.

I’ve attracted guys lately, maybe for longer but it’s hard to acknowledge sometimes. Do they see my curves, red lips, blonde hair and confidence as a turn on? I don’t know but something is there and it’s still working. Not as hard as it use to but it’s there. I don’t really get it. I imagine they see me as skinny but I look in the mirror and wonder, what are they seeing? Let’s be honest, while more “plus size” models are getting coverage, they still have a label. There’s still TV shows with waifs of women but a show with an obese woman is comedy relief or plays the role of sad, fat girl. There’s no overly confident obese girl who has it all in the dating world. It’s still labeled a comedy if it is out there.

That self doubt is courtesy of my married friends who hint that I’ve gained too much weight and my ex, basically everything about me couldn’t attract a guy, or him for that matter. I surround myself with lovely people. (That was sarcasm)

First there was electron telling me I was smart and beautiful. Granted all he ever asked was to sleep with me. He promised me a date but we never got that far. This year there was the Canadian sales person from my regional meeting. Hot, well dressed, tall, smothering me with compliments, seeking me out, buying me drinks, asking me to go out dancing with him… I found out later he was married with a small child soooo hmmm. Next we have the finance corporate guy from my company. While I was obviously swept up with the tall Canadian, he stayed later than anyone else, talking about life, our jobs then took me to get a taco. The taco shop was closed, as it was 2 am and we went to our respected homes/hotel. Granted with that he was asking me questions around my job and what I could do to benefit his job. Hmmm

Ok. Perhaps these guys aren’t great examples. Obviously I’m still single and none have actually led to a date or a boyfriend. Is it me though? Electron I told no, though I wanted to say yes badly, mostly because I was intimidated but also because of my job. With him I left it very open, I appreciated the offer but had to turn him down. The Canadian, I wanted to go dancing with him but I had pulled a muscle in my leg and was limping badly. I couldn’t dance. I was thankful Finance guy was there. And Finance guy, well, he lives in Milwaukee. I was only there for that night.

Now, long story short, this finance guy. He’s younger than me, typical good looking mid-western guy, nothing over the top amazing but he is cute; he deals with people above me. I report to them, they report to him, he reports up the chain to someone else. So he’s not my boss or supervisor at all. He just crunches numbers to report to stock holders or whomever. My job, one of a zillion across the US and Canada; well since he met me, any extra dollars I pull in, he has sent an email thanking me. This is not typical. As, the report doesn’t come from me. It comes from my boss, Finance guy just knows it’s my project because we’ve talked about it.

So this month, only the second month since we met, I decide to flirt back. I sent him an email saying I’m still waiting for a taco, (remember we went to grab a taco but the place was closed). It’s not even technically flirting is it? It’s just asking for a taco. I meant it as flirting, but text is all in the way you read it as to the actual inflection that someone intended with it. I wavered for a minute before sending. Could it be harassment, could it be inappropriate, should I not email corporate? Should I steer clear of inter-company… what? What does/could it mean that I’m waiting for a taco. Some sort of sexual innuendo?

Here I am. Putting my career over flirting, or even just initiating friendship or merely the discussion of lunch? I don’t know. Overthinking what rights I have or the lack there of in a man’s work force. Would I be so intimidated in any other career? I dunno. But I work with nothing but men. All of my superiors, anyone up the ladder that I deal with, all men. For that matter almost all people down the ladder from me are men too. In my region I am the only female in my position, in North America there may be 7-10 females in my role compared to 150+ men. I’m assuming these stats but I know in all of Canada there are 3 females in my role.

The only place I meet guys are through work. I’ve always kept this arms distance, flirt then flee. Don’t be caught being human. Live, sweat, cry, loose hair, gain weight and stress the fuck out for your job but lord forbid, find happiness. So, with a confident push of my buttonless phone I hit send on the two sentence email and waited.

I didn’t wait long. My supervisor told me, Mike is visiting the job next week with Gary. My jaw dropped, What?! I brought it up a few times. How? Why? That wasn’t his role. He didn’t visit projects. He crunches numbers at corporate. While I went through in my head the outfits I might wear while he visited and weather or not I should be vigilant about cleaning my house for a sleepover… do you think it would go there? Gosh I don’t know… I got an email back, “That’s Fair! We will have to address that at some point.” Not flirty, or harmful. Just tacos. In the most corporate, politically correct way ever.

We called Gary who said he had word from Mike that he couldn’t come up. Hmmph.

But, there it was. A simple harmless email about tacos. Each of us only wrote two sentences and I was giddy all day.

It’s nothing really. I eat meals with work people when they visit, often. I don’t generally hang out one on one after drinking at 2 am but, it seemed harmless.

I think the point is, I took a chance. A chance I overthought, I debated, I weighed, I finally said fuck it and did. It was two sentences and neither were shocking. But I did it. I got a pleasant, positive, though possibly a interminable response.

These are the things you celebrate when you believe you are incapable of being more than single. Even a date can seem like a fluke. Online dating is a constant let down when you aren’t as attractive as they may have believed you to be. There’s always a hotter picture someone else has out there to ponder over.

So, with another 4 days of failed diet, my friends in town and then a work trip and work people in town, I need to remember this feeling. Remember the urgency of cleaning my house. The motivation to drop some pounds, for health, clothing fitting and yes, for attractiveness.

This is where I’m at. A sun ray of light shining into my shaded room of self doubt, with a simple sentence about a taco.

Values in dating

I realize there are supposed to be things you look for in a partner.

Common interests, attractiveness, do they want children, etc. for some time I’ve been solely basing my judgement on attractiveness and if they like me, throwing out the rest.

This weekend opened my eyes to another layer, passion. Not passion for love, passion in a relationship or how passionate they are about me, but more so, passionate about life, their goals and work.

I’m very passionate about my job/career. I’ve struggled , cried, fought, and really gone through battle with my education and Career. I’ve lost a relationship over it, I’m sure I’ve taken years off my life, it’s been no easy feat. I’ve been degraded, I’ve been told to give up, that I would fail and it’s only made me want it more. It’s that sick relationship of time and effort and refusing to quit even if it’s not good for you.

My job has given me financial ease, it’s given me great praise and pride. It’s not all bad, and I refuse to have someone else come along and drag me down out of spite, jealousy, or lack of pride in their own career. That’s my issue. Finding a man in this small town area that not only likes his career but takes pride in it. Most people find a job that pays the bills and sticks with it. Mostly despising their choice but feeling that it pays too much to leave it. The few dates I’ve gone on, the men hated their career choice but felt stuck. My ex, put me down more than anyone else, telling me anyone could do my job, that I was worthless and might as well quit. He was obviously a horrible person, I know that, but I cannot have that happen to me again. I cannot be with someone that is upset about me being the breadwinner or making more or being successful or fighting for a career and succeeding at it. He was a teacher and instead of taking pride in a valuable yet underpaid career, he took it out on me and only saw the dollars I was making compared to him. In the end he also felt that since I made more I would pay for everything for him. No. I still want to be taken out to dinner. I refuse to not be given a Christmas or Birthday gift because I could just buy it myself. Yes yes I know- this guy was the worst of the worst- but after 5 years of thinking we were in love; I was the person saying, I’ve put this much time and effort in, maybe I can’t do better. I can’t let that happen again.

The guy from this weekend boasted about his job at a deli counter at a grocery store, and thats excellent that you take pride in that, but never bothered to ask what I do. In fact he cut me off to continue talking about his job to me.

I refuse to not be acknowledged by a possible suitor. My friends made fun of me that I was upset he never asked me about my career… maybe that’s normal, maybe that’s them being assholes, I don’t care this time.

My next boyfriend will acknowledge that I’ve worked hard to be successful. I want them to be proud of me just as I want to be of them. I want us to encourage each other to gain more success and truly understand each other when we have a bad day.

I need someone with the same motivation as me, the same passion and drive and empathy when shit goes bad.

That’s why I’m obsessed with electron. He’s attractive and lives to work rather than works to live. It’s not the best life. It’s not an easy life. And in the end, what do you have? A life spent slaving away for someone else. But some of us are just built that way.

I’ve found the value that was missing… now I just need to figure out how to find it.