The simple things

I got through quite a bit of my house cleaning only for my dog to destroy it through the week. He’s been on steroids and every day i cant make it home to let him out for lunch I come home to a pile of poop and peed on carpet.

I lost it by Thursday. There was a broken dish and the cats were walking through the glass. He had peed on a new large rug that I had purchased because he can’t walk on the new flooring that I put down to replace the carpet he destroyed. Just cost after cost of items I’ve replaced because of his destruction.

I cried myself to bed and woke up with puffy eyes and a trashed house. I went to work late, upset with myself.

I know I’ve been depressed. I know its simple to get out of my rut – simply do the things you are procrastinating on. For me its easy – but I understand its not that easy for others. For me I know I want to loose weight, have a clean house, date again, etc. None of these things are out of reach, yet I let myself believe they are. I have my health and the ability to work out. I have a good job and I am able to buy healthy foods. I have the ability to clean and if anything its filthy because I have too many belongings. And finally – I know guys are interested in me. I push them away, I keep my house trashed and keep myself self conscious by being overweight. It sounds silly – but I acknowledge all of it – and when I do that I can lead to healing.

I have a personal trainer appointment tomorrow. It forces me to go to the gym because I’m paying someone to meet me there. To hold me accountable. Yesterday and today I forced myself to put on clothes and walk my dog before doing anything. It was easy and enjoyable and good. It felt good. It made me happy and it was so simple.

Again – in no way am I saying anyone can fix themselves like this – I just know this is what makes me sad and what I ignore but its so easy to do. I just need to do it and the rest will fall in place. If I get outside and walk my dog first thing in the morning it will help him be less destructive. For me I get my blood going – I feel an accomplishment first thing in the day and I get some exercise and fresh air. Next if I continue to exercise I will lose weight and feel sexier. If I feel sexier it will be easier to flirt and acknowledged men like me. The cycle of self esteem will continue to rise.

Same with my house – today I cleaned the living room and OMG. This place looks amazing. I still have more to do but I’m not embarrassed to invite people into my house. Which is good because I am having people over next weekend for pumpkin carving. I hope everyone comes.

So now I need to continue cleaning, actually get a bunch of stuff together to take to the dump and keep this place clean so I can let the sunshine in. Today is the first time I’ve opened the curtains to let in the sunshine. I need to keep that up

Advertisements

A light at the end of the tunnel?

It’s October. I’ve been waiting since May of last year. Just sitting here dreaming and waiting. Waiting for something magical to happen to me without trying. Just sitting here.

I lost 20 lbs at the beginning of the year. The confidence I gained was off the charts. I bought smaller clothes and was on top of the world. I was still Obese. I was still 80 lbs overweight but I felt like a million dollars.

Weird how that happens. How we tell ourselves we are disgusting but after the smallest change people notice, you notice and the world brightens just a touch.

Something happened between May and now. I gained 25 lbs back. My house is a red neck white trash pit of shit. The outside, the inside and even I’m disgusted with my lack of caring.

What did I do this summer? Laid on the couch and watched tv. Spent too much time on this IPad. Ordered everything from Amazon and went into credit card debt. Ate out at every opportunity and made excuses left and right to never go to the beach, never go hiking, never go camping, just nothing.

Why? Well because I was dreaming and waiting. Waiting for life to become perfect and wonderful and each day it didn’t , each day I realized it happened for someone else and not me – well, I just put myself deeper in the tunnel.

Somehow, the past two years I gained my confidence back intermittently. I became happy and comfortable. I got over the grief of loosing my best friend and adopted pet child. I got over the metal abuse of my ex, I got over so much and then somehow went into a dream world where everything would happen for me. Each time I realized it wasn’t I fell back into the pit. I went home from work to cry. I was deeply depressed and everything was too overwhelming to attempt.

I kept up with work, I made things work. I took out my outrage at my contractors. This week I had another eye opener though.

One of my dream boys was arrested. Again. This time he got out after paying a fine and I was texting him that night. Part of me realized – you cant wait for him, you cant fix him, he can’t be your project. I have to be my own project. The same day I went to talk to a laborer, his employee. As I went into verbal mouth diarrhea – swearing every other word about nothing to do with him – he stoped me and asked me if I wanted to get a beer.

I was completely flabbergasted! I was battling a head cold, I was physically exhausted and my head was foggy. Processing the information was difficult. Say YES! He’s being sarcastic, say something mean! You’re in the wrong, apologize!

I don’t know how long I paused, I don’t remember how I said what I said or.. well much at all. I remember saying – I get it – I can bitch for hours, I’ll stop.

He said, I don’t care, I’m getting paid standing here. I said, No no, I’ll leave. And then walked away.

I felt stupid going off and realized I need to control my emotions. Then his words dawned on me – wait a sec. He was being legit, he wanted to get a beer.

WHAT THE FUCK IS WRONG WITH ME?

Like how dense am I to not realize that was a legit ask out? I’m so wrapped up in my brain that I can’t even figure out he was being nice. I guess I’m used to people being mean, or my self confidence isn’t that high yet.

I think even my dream boy attempted to talk about a beer with me and I instantly shut him down. Sigh. I’m my own worst enemy.

Today is Saturday. I woke up at 8:30 – fairly decent and started cleaning. I’ve organized a few things in my bedroom. I through all my dirty clothes next to the washer. I’ve changed my sheets for the first time in… longer than I care to say. Made my bed and made lists of what I need to accomplish today. It’s already 11 am but hey – I can do this. I realize I put myself in a horrible mood knowing all the things that I need to do that I get overwhelmed and do nothing. Today that will change. One room at a time. I won’t start another room until I finish the one on my list.

Tomorrow I can work on the outside of the house and then I can work on that asshole of a dog I own. He continues to go through my trash, ruin my couch and furniture. He’s pooped upstairs most days and peed a few times as well. The house wreaks of feces.

I also need to organize the basement and try to get all my trash for the dump. If I can clean this house this weekend – maybe I can work on walking my dog, going to the gym, doing anything other than coming home because I need to clean, not going on dates because I can’t even think straight.

I like to dream, I’m just hoping I can turn it into reality this weekend.

Men and metal insanity

My co-worker is becoming my confidant, my joking buddy, my go-to.

I’ve had dinner with him more than I can count, we started drinking together and telling each other everything. He’s been to my house more than once. Today I called him just to vent. The other day he had me proof read an email to the high up management team. We trust each other and confide in each other. We laugh nonstop. He’s married with a kid.

What’s wrong with this picture?

I haven’t touched him, nor him me – but I believe he was setting it up. He mentions his wife but doesn’t talk about her – I have no idea what their home life is, but I question how he spends an hour with me on the phone during the work day each time I talk to him. Talking about personal stuff, work, family, bitching about our days etc.

I like him – but as a confidant. Would I date him? I’m attracted to him but I doubt I would ever date him. Isn’t that odd? Perhaps because I know he’s married?

Then there is Mr. Hotrod. The boy (contractor – VP of his own company) I’ve been obsessed with for a year and 1/2. The boy I couldn’t stop dreaming about, who has thrown me in the tizzies I’ve been in lately. But god damn it – wherever I see him I just go mushy gah gah.

For quite a while I rarely saw him or talked to him. It was ok – I was busy, things were crazy – I focused my attention on someone else. But then I don’t know what happened, we were back sitting in my office, knees almost touching, hands very close, leaning forward gazing into each other’s eyes and bursting out with laughter because that’s just what we do. We’ve never kissed, never touched. It’s all sexual tension. I can’t get over him. I’ve attempted it but he knows I’m totally hooked.

Last week something happened – I just have no idea what but each time he saw me he would grin from ear to ear – just like pure joy. It put a huge smile on my face and this fuzzy feeling in my chest. He has gotten this total dad stomach going on and I find it adorable still. I asked him to meet me for lunch with the Engineer. He agreed easily but when I mentioned I was buying he was completely shocked. I even told him I was charging it to the company and he asked if he could get a sandwich and a soup. It was so adorable and polite. I cut my sandwich with a knife and asked if he wanted the rest – he did and I also thought that was adorable. I stared into his eyes. They change color just like mine, more hazel than blue. That day they were the olive green of his shirt. We gazed talking about anything and everything, leaving the engineer bored. I teased him in front of everyone and later he mentioned his cut finger and if I would kiss it to make it better. I didn’t but I wanted to.

On Monday he went out of his way to help my Brother, who he had never met before. I’m sure he would be that nice to most people – but I kinda hoped that it was because it was my family. Later he called me at 7 pm – the first time he had called me so late – just to give me an update and tell me about his day. You see -this is all still about work – he’s still my contractor but it was cute. He congratulated me on my presentation and I attempted to praise him on his job as well. It just made me happy.

Last I heard, from him, he was engaged with his baby mama – yea and she had the kid a month ago. Is he with her, is the kid even around? WHAT is happening!

Today he seemed annoyed with me and didn’t answer my last call. I went off on his employees because of a safety violation. I told him I needed an update from him with no response. Finally at 9 pm he starts texting me how he is sorry. He explains what happened and why things went south. He apologizes again and makes a point to tell me I’m right. I’m in gah gah land all over again because he apologized.

How awful is that? He’s engaged – supposedly – he just had a baby a month ago with some girl. He is my contractor, he sexted me when he met me, he was in jail and rehab this time last year. I mean -what part of red flag do I need to fly in order to make myself believe that this guy is not right for me?

But talking to him and joking and laughing and smiling and just starring into his eyes. My god – I swear to god I have never ever ever been this smitten with someone before.

I hate men and I think they all cause us Mental Illness.

Family

You cant pick your family. You get one shot with one pack of people, Maybe they don’t stick around, maybe you don’t stick around. Just a strange pack of people you are forced to deal with.

This weekend my Brother and Sister-in-law were coming up. They’ve visited me twice. Twice in 13 years. Why now?

They wanted some construction pieces from our upgrades. OK. I set it all up with different contractors and what not. Should I really give this stuff to them for free? What the heck its Family! Most of it was going into the dumpster so its not actually stealing or against any policies. But you know I made a big point to get it all together and tell contractors to save stuff and so forth.

My sis-in-law doesn’t come up though, instead my other brother, whom I haven’t seen in over 10 years – he comes up. I just go with the flow like nothing is weird or different. But WTF where have you been and why do you avoid us? Oh right – cuz we all suck. Eh, I don’t blame him.

They came up for Saturday night and on Monday I was able to get him what he came for. Mind you I used my lunch break before 3 back to back meetings – one being a public recorded City meeting that my Team was presenting for – But I did all this to hear my Brother say, Yea we’re going to leave tomorrow – early.

OK WTF

I went out of my way to do all this shit for you. I bought and prepared and cleaned afterward a dinner on Saturday. I paid for an expensive Brunch on Sunday. I wasted my lunch break and on my most insane day – got you this stuff and then you say – cool I’m Good I’m Out!

Fuck

You know – its one thing to get shit on at work, its another to have your friends bitch you out – but its quite another thing to have your family use you.

No wonder I have poor taste in Boyfriends. I wonder where I got used to thinking what normal is.

Mid day tears

It’s Friday after an extremely stressful work week. The answers I wanted solved were not. My office is a war zone worse than usual. Everyone swooped in and out of the work week faster than I could document. Things are still wrong and they just keep piling up.

We had a meeting with the City Manager. He is a jovial guy – he takes his job seriously but also has a fun spirit and tries to keep things light. He has teased me before and knows I’m ok with it. This week however my ex came up. The way it came up with simple and innocent enough but the questions and digging continued.

I was cheated on. I was left for another woman and then he wanted to take me back after she stopped sleeping with him. There was no – I was wrong I apologize – it was just – I’m here and you aren’t with anyone. Why not?

There was mental abuse before all that but I didn’t get into it. Regardless the manager said – well you were prolly better in bed. He said – Average people try harder.

Now I’m just average.

Sigh

Granted it was a joke and made to be light hearted. I know I’m 100 lbs overweight. I know I’m not the most stylish or fashionable. I don’t flaunt my assets. I think I’m pretty but I’m no super model.

It all just kinda started compiling. I’m average. I’m overweight. I’m alone.

Yesterday while talking with the customer I was bitching, I was ranting. I was calling two guys jackasses because I know I have crushes on both of them and they are ignoring me. The customer made a statement, yea no one he is pushing 40 and still single, because he was prolly burned by a past relationship and treats everyone like that.

I realize he was talking about me now. He wasn’t talking about the guy.

I am. I’m pushing 40, obese with a bad fucking attitute to everyone I meet.

I’m sitting at home for the past two hours trying not to cry and still crying and running mascara down my face though I need to get back to work because I’m losing it.

Sometimes it just piles up and you realize – you keep telling yourself you got this and that’s the exact time it comes crashing down. You cant keep treading water, the waves have gotten too high and you just need some help, just a little bit at least.

This year I’ve been home all summer. I never went to the beach, my house has been the worst shape it’s ever been. I lost 20lbs and its all back, my clothes aren’t fitting again. Things are just bad and I need to open my eyes and realize it. I’m not getting bettter. I’m getting worse and blaming anyone that comes in my path. I’m ready to stop talking to all my friends, I’m ready to write everyone off because they are the problem. But its me. I realize that today,

I’m thankful I have a job that allowed me to come home and cry it out. To give me some privacy and deal with my shit.

I think i might need a therapist. Maybe I need to air out all my laundry and cry to someone. I want to be able to do it all on my own. I just cant. I’m not superwoman and that’s ok. It’s going to be ok. I’m acknowledging it today. That’s seriously the hardest part. It’s hard to say — I can’t. There’s no harm in it, there’s nothing wrong. It’s every bit normal. For some reason though we put a stigma around being less than – but its ok. I’m just human – I’m every bit ok.

Months

I know its been long. I don’t know how long because I’ve come to this site and written drafts. Sometimes I think I saved them, but after emotional ones – I know I’ve thrown them away.

I got pretty depressed. I dreamed up a life I didn’t have and then was crushed when my dreams didn’t come true. It’s a bit delusional but also part of my healing process. I’m closer to being ready to date again. I bought a box of new condemns in celebration.

I’m out of my funk of being cheated and mentally abused. I’m now in a funk of, well I guess just a general funk. I’m lazy, very unclean, my house is a disaster, my yard is even worse. I’ve lost 20 lbs and gained them back easily. Today I ordered food for 3 and ate it all – I’m also getting over a hangover.

Reading this you might say – well you may think Jesus! That girl needs help!

A little bit yes and a bit no. I’ll find my way – I always do. Honestly I’m in a much better place mentally than I was months ago. I’m back here to document and keep myself accountable.

I promised my cat I would find them a new dad this year – and damnit – I only have 3 months left.

Well back in March I started home repairs. I painted the living room, the entry way, the stairway and 2 hallways, and 2 walls of the kitchen. I ripped out the carpet in the living room and put down Vinyl plank flooring. I haven’t finished the trim but just last week I finally cut in the last row – that was the biggest pain of all but its done. Now just the trim to curse at.

I bought new furniture – only one piece in the living room is older. I did a back splash in the kitchen and for Black Friday plan on buying a new oven. Last Black Friday I got a wall mounted TV and new entertainment center. With the new flooring I bought new throw rugs. I’m so close to having an adult living room. I also bought a new table for my kitchen. Though my dog destroyed it with multiple scratches while he tried to attack the boy shoveling my back deck.

Now all I need to do is go through all my junk and downsize. Throw things out that are trash and keep things neat before I go to bed.

It shouldn’t be hard but its the way I can keep from bringing boys back home with me. It’s my fail safe – my house is trashed!

I brought a co-worker over after a night of heavy drinking and it never occurred to me that he wanted to have sex. Duh Sarah, why did we go back to your house when you were trying to take him back to his hotel room. He complimented me all night – telling me there were reasons people meet and he knew it the day he met me. He’s married with a 5 year old son. He’s been with his wife for 18 years. WTF. Like – WTF. Thankfully i got the hint and finally drove him back to the hotel. We haven’t talked about it and that’s fine.

This weekend was beer fest. Two days of being really drunk with friends. I met a guy – we were talking about Chicago and cities and food and beer. He was the brewmaster for a brewery about 8 hours away. He wanted to move to this area because he loves it. They were going around town and bar hoping, I should join. Someone in my group had his friend’s number. Cool.

I thought about it again, my house is trashed but then I thought – how much would I just love to make out with this guy? The group of friends I was with split up. My friend got a text from her friend with the guys number for me to call/text to hook up with them. She was too drunk to tell me.

This morning I was a little sad that I went home alone. I was telling my friend the history of the night when she was able to Facebook stalk the brewery, to find his photo. There it was bright as day – wedding ring. WTF. There was no sign of one last night. I instantly got mad. I’m just the plump girl who is good for a fuck I suppose? Granted I’m not making the best of choices but seriously – this is the third guy who came on to me and he’s married. I hate all men. Mostly.

Regardless I’m back. I’m here to find my success, hold on to some sanity and hopefully have some good news about weight loss, exercise and relationships!

Time will tell.

Insanity

In the last month I’ve had several people drop their jaw as I explained, “I’m older than most people think; I’m 38.”

I’ve always been told I look younger than I am but now the reactions seem mind blowing.

While I appreciate I still have a youthful appearance and I’d only hope to have just as youthful personality and energy, but what is it that makes people disbelieve so much? Is 38 a step in the grave, should I look more like the crypt keeper? Why is it so shocking for me to be 38. Certainly 37 didn’t seem to be a reason to exclaim, “You’ve aged well!”

Wtf, I’m aged now? Am I a cheese or wine?

The other day I heard, “you look incredible for your age”!

Do people typically look horrible when they turn 38? I mean, the compliments are nice, but the shock is disheartening. It’s only making me feel older.

My crush thought I was 26. Many others said they’d agree.

Things are weird currently. I can tell it’s hanging over me. I’ve spent over a $1,000 shopping in the last week.

I lost 20 lbs- I hit 229, then I binged on food and booze and hit 240 a week later. The body is a cruel bitch. Regardless I’m wearing my size 16 jeans. They are tight as hell but I can zip them and that’s all that matters. I started my diet again and suddenly I started shopping. Blowing $80 on makeup. I have endless make up. $150 or more on 4 pairs of shoes. Because better to buy 3 pairs of rain boots and return one rather than buy one at a time. Also a pair of wedges for vacation.

I bought $400 + on work outfits online, well tops and jeans. Who knows if they will fit. Then I went to the store and spent $200 on a vacuum and bras. I just ordered $200 of clothes from Target. I bought some shirts and a mug from the college I attended. I purchased new music and a ringtone for my phone. I went to TJMaxx and found $25 shampoo and petsmart for a $50 cat tree. What’s wrong with me?

I had a dream I was in an insane asylum. I attempted to explain that I was sane but they stuck me full of drug filled syringes. I felt my brain begin to melt. I was out of the asylum with my coworkers, as Dreams always seem to leave out important segways, and the town I live in had been bombed. Buildings were on fire, rubble littered the street and the police were announcing to evacuate downtown. I wanted to see my dog, see if he was ok but I couldn’t. Next I know we’re back at the asylum. I had to go back to the asylum to self commit. I was handed a paper and told my boss, you take this. He said no. You deal with it. I attempted to quickly explain I couldn’t have anything f with me when I committed. He said I needed to figure it out. – well if that isn’t life, eh?

Do I feel like I’m loosing it. That my hometown is now a war zone because of this job. Things are too close and just too far away from home. I’m loosing mind

Yea. That might be spot on.

I don’t know what’s happening. I’m ready to date and I’m not. I erased all my dating profiles. I had a drink with another work person, then stalked him online. After seeing that a certain girl “lived” at his address I quickly internet searched her. Seems perhaps that they dated a few years back. But I honestly can’t tell if they are currently dating. My mind went to rage as I remembered my crush was downstate with his baby mama/ fiancé and I realized why I had a dream I was committed.

I need to find my chill.

A success

I don’t know how to explain it. I’m stressed by work, I’m ignoring my personal life, again, and I’m excited and happy and sad and… sigh.

I got my period early. I didn’t have my typical roller coaster of emotions, I just got it, 3-5 days earlier than expected. So be it. But I expected to have a wall of tears and sadness. I didn’t.

I did get drunk on Friday and spent my Saturday hungover and pathetic. I did, however, purchase new flooring for the living room. The thought of home renovations got me excited. What can I say, I love Construction, like love it. I love doing things myself and boasting , however insignificant, or even however half-ass, hey I did it.

I did not go to the gym but I got a walk with my dog in, that counts. Tomorrow is my first personal training day. I’ve been averaging 1500 calories, randomly throwing in drinks or take out but over all I’ve been ricking this diet business. Today I hopped on the scale and it read 229- 229 lbs!!!! That’s 20lbs, 20lbs since February!!!

The excitement and joy was excellent!

I said all I wanted to lose 20lbs but honestly I want to see 220. After that I want to see 200.

Im already wearing tighter shirts with a touch more skin. Today I curled the ends of my hair. No one commented but I felt good. I bought more clothes and I’m thinking of ordering them in a smaller size. I’ve been wearing XxL but slowly moving to XL. And if I could get down to a L will be my dream.

So it was a slow start, but it’s happening. 20 lbs!!! I want to scream from the roof top!

Barriers

I just had a dream. I was talking to my crush but we were in different rooms or almost like there was a partition between us. He calmly kept talking from his side and I awkwardly squirmed and shifted to attempt to see him while we talked. Same conversation as normal but there was a barrier.

Funny how your subconscious depicts life. It’s the perfect analogy. Nothing’s changed except I can’t have him.

My mother told me she had, essentially, psychic dreams. We had Gypsy blood in our family, she told me, and as a child she dreamt of snakes for a while, they would climb in through the floor and walls. My grandfather investigated the crawl space under the house one day to find a pit of snakes under my mothers room.

When I was in my 20s I often dreamt of dating my favorite rock star. I knew his real name was PC but wasn’t sure what it stood for. In many dreams his name was Paul and we met at a dinner while with two of my friends. I met my real boyfriend exactly that way months later. At a dinner with the same friends, his name was Paul and I was madly in love with him.

It didn’t work out however. I was still a virgin and thought about waiting until marriage. We once rented a hotel room but we hit a snag and it didn’t happen. Without realizing I insulted him, it ended up being a bad time and later he admitted to sleeping with his ex and cheating on me.

He was the first to cheat on me. Honestly, pretty much every long term relationship I’ve had since, I’ve been cheated on.

This crush, well, he’s off the market because he’ll now be a baby daddy. I had only wished he had told me he was in love. I wished he would have told me, I rekindled a old flame and the timing finally worked. No, I’m getting married cuz she’s pregnant.

Just fitting that I dreamt of a barrier. I really do still enjoy him as a friend but I don’t think the friendship can grow given the circumstances.

The next day.

I feel ill. I think exercise has made me ill, plus my ridiculous dehydration, I think I left my water bottle at the gym. 😦

More than likely my coworker, who has a cold, gave it to me. But I like to blame exercise. I only slept 5 hours, I forgot to eat dinner, so yea, I’m a prime candidate for a cold right now.

Today I took pictures in a bra and g-string. It wasn’t flattering. It was down right gross. I think I look ok with my clothes on but ekk! I haven’t seen the amount of rolls on my back, the squareness of my ass or the bumpy lumpy thighs and hips. My stomach has begun to expand and start to hang.

It was a pleasant reminder of why I want to motivate myself. Eat well and exercise, you’ll drop weight and tighten up all the lumps and bumps that aren’t in the right places. 70 lbs is the goal. But for now , I think I’ll take a nap.