I did it!

So I went to Yoga. My god if you’ve never tried it, go! Find a studio, talk to someone and find a peaceful flow. An easy beginning course for yoga. Take more than one class until you can loose your thoughts completely by solely focusing on your breathing. It’s not just lying there. It’s becoming one with your thoughts. About being peaceful and kind to your mind and body. It’s about stretching , strengthening, becoming more limber and lean. About feeling good. 

I feel amazing. My back pain is better. My body feels good, my brain calmed down. All good stuff!!

Tomorrow I head to Wisconsin. Need to pack for the week let’s do this!! But sleep first. 

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Step one

Featured photo: a scenic stop sign

I should look but I’m sure I’ve said step one multiple times before. But let’s cut to the chase, I signed up for a yoga class tomorrow. 

I love yoga and it often helps me build my core, build strength, add flexibility, want to eat better and work out more and I lose weight. Plus it’s a great stress reliever and helps with my lower back pain. 

Lately, my always-regular periods have been out of whack. My back pain has been increasing. My moods have been shaky too. I can’t keep my house clean, often stressing that it’s so messy I can’t even handle it. I’ve been eating and shopping to cope with my stress. Never a good option. 

So a next step. The class is scheduled for tomorrow. I have to go now. No excuses. 

I need a focal point. I need structure to my life. I need a change. Today I ate ice cream and Halloween candy all day. I took the dog for a walk but otherwise I watched tv. I spent $200 between beauty products and bed sheets. I’m not managing my life as much as I’m just trying to escape it. 

This job is intense. It’s big and complex and I’m not prepared. Add in the fact that I got emotionally connected to a person I met three times and spoke on the phone a ton, and I’m just kinda falling apart. My friends aren’t around as much. Attempting to make new ones has been difficult. Online dating is getting me nowhere. Granted, I’m not giving it all my might. I’m not saying it’s worthless. It’s just another battle in my struggle that I’m finding a touch overwhelming at the moment. 

But. Yoga. Tomorrow. I’m very proud I hit schedule. I hate trying new things alone but I’m fed up and I need to start pushing my comfort zone for a healthy change. My body doesn’t make me happy. And I fear that my doctor will tell me if I don’t lose the weight that I’ll become diabetic. I don’t want that. 

I’ll admit another reason. It’s guys. My friends made fun of me for wearing a hoodie and T-shirt to the bar. It was really upsetting. But what am I supposed to wear? A dress? A snug top fitted to my rolls? 

It’s bad enough several work tops don’t fit. They have shrunk or I’ve just gotten too fat.  I’ve attempted diets and “eating healthy” but exercise sometimes pulls me in. I get my body moving and I want to keep moving then I want to feed it healthy stuff. I have almost 100 lbs to lose. 40 would make me insanely happy. 20 would also be a grand start. But it’s not going to happen without a step. 

Wish me luck. Again. 

Friday the 13th

They say another Friday the 13th won’t happen in October until 2023 or something. I’ll be 43. Sigh. 

My day was fine. I met with my hot electricians mother. Now this may seem weird or maybe you have no idea what I’m talking about. There was an extremely hot electrician that I was having bid on work for a project my company was putting together. He thought the work would be too much and never make the project, then texted me at 6 am asking if I wanted to get naked. I sssumed he just sent the text to the wrong person but he admitted (with a slew of compliments) that it was for me while he was drunk. And the question became, who is still drunk at 5 am? Usually I’m long pasted out at that point. 

Unfortunately my company was still interested in his bid, so I did not pursue him personally though the flirting (mutually) continued. For 1/2 year. Until he stopped texting me. The contracts were signed, work to be started and he was no where to be seen. His business is family owned. That’s where his mom gets involved. I’ve spoken with her quite a few times. And I’ve met her multiple times. Shes told me all about the family. Praising and explains that the son I had been dealing with had no children and wasn’t married. Excellent. 

Unfortunately it was in the news 2 weeks ago, he was arrested for several things, mostly possession of cocain. COCAIN. wtf. 

I had to make a very awkward call to his mother asking if the business would be ok and such. We got through it. She was pleasant. I felt horrible for asking. I really like his mom and his brother. His dad is ridiculously handsome for being older. That honestly has nothing to do with the rest but it’s still a legit statement. 

Yesterday I met her and she asked that we take a ride to another project site. While In my vehicle she told me all about how she became a master electrician. That she was one of the first in the State of Michigan. I now had even more respect for her. Then she brought up her son. She said she saw him and he looks a ton better. I wanted to ask what’s going to happen? Will he go to Prison? Is he still in jail? Was the cocain his? Wtf? But there’s work and there’s personal life and as damning as it is I really try to keep them separate. Plus, I just had a crush on her son. I dreamt I’d marry him but honestly we’re not even “friends”. Yet somehow I’m remarkably sad that this has happened. 

We stopped back to her car and I kept talking to her, somehow managing to bring him back up and her to talk. I remember saying, “Is he…” I wasn’t even sure how I could finish the question, or which question to ask but luckily she knew. She looked me in the eyes and said point blank, “My son has had a cocain problem for sometime”. 

Immediatly I could feel my face contorting to a look of shock mixed with sorrow. I think I softly said, I didn’t know, while looking at the ground. She told me he’s still in jail, she won’t bail him out but things are looking good for him and he’s looking better. His mood has improved and he is more positive. He immediatly asked about his two small newphews. He perked up when she started talking about the project because that is his life and he loves it. 

She told me she doesn’t know when he got into it or how. That his girlfriend had a problem with alcohol and they had recently broken up. He went downhill from there. Then with him in Milwaukee. She just really wasn’t sure what happened. 

She looked me in the eye a few more times, almost trying to find the answers for herself if I was a user. I don’t remember what she was saying but it was more of a mothers look, are you in trouble? Did you start this trouble? I remember looking away and talking softly again saying how much he helped me understand his scope. That we were texting a lot. I knew he was in Milwaukee, he had told me. 

In the end she told me, she saw her son in there, the old personality, caring about his family and the business and not hallowed out and robotic. I told her I was really happy, really good to hear he’s doing well. She told me it would be a year before he’s back. He’s staying in jail then going to rehab. 

It was a good conversation. It was one that isn’t between contractor and their sub. But that’s how it’s been all along. I really like this family. Maybe more than I should. 

Maybe it wasnt a spooky haunted Friday the 13th. Or maybe it was. I just can’t spend a year thinking about the one guy who I clicked with so immediatly. The one I share so many interests with. The one who understands the stresses of my job. The one who we started a disagreement and both got slightly heated with a misunderstanding but quickly resolved it. The one who was nothing like my ex. The one who loves kids and wants a family now. The one who I can’t stop thinking about when he’d keep stealing glances at me during a meeting and said my name every single time he’d say goodbye. 

Fuck man. 

Back in the saddle

I’ve rejoined the dating world. I promised myself I wouldn’t until I was comfortable with my weight but when will that day come? I don’t want to wait forever. I’m still spinning around with my head cut off trying to stay afloat. 

So I’ve joined match, tinder, okcupid, bagelmeetscoffee, and bumble. You think I could find somebody but I live in a very small area and sure there are guys old enough to be my dad liking my profile. There are 20 year old kids wanting to be friends which makes me wonder if there’s a mental disability there. It’s just weird. I had one conversation. He asked for my number, I got his and never heard from him again though he promised to text me the next day. So be it. Life in the dating world in 2017. 

I joined all the sites hoping to find my electrician. The job was under way and he seemed to be off the project. I thought it was my shot to pounce but his profile was gone. I had hoped to see him somewhere. I thought I had seen him at beer fest, with a girl but it didn’t look romantic. We seemed to be starring at each other and he even moved closer but I never got close enough to determine if it was him. Sigh. 

We had a meeting with the utility in town and one of the guys is completely my type. Tall, heavier set guy with a classically attractive face. Very manly. I had hopes of dealing with him more but that doesn’t seem to be happening. He’s on match and tinder but I had swiped left on him cuz I thought he might work for something with this project. I was very right. Sadly I don’t think he’s been on the website. I believe I saw him at the grocery store butt he was with a small child and a woman. I’m hoping it’s his sister but there is no way of knowing. Sad. 

In other horrific news, you know my electrician? The one I just mentioned above? The one I had deemed so perfect. The one I turned away though I wanted him so badly. The one I vowed to marry? He was arrested two weeks ago. Evading police, expired tags on his vehicle and cocaine with intent to sell. I can’t even fathom it. He may/probably will get prison time. Prison! He didn’t seem that stupid, I thought he was brilliant, he was caring and funny, witty… who am I kidding I thought he was the best of the best and interested in me. ME! But he may have been on coke. Maybe that explains the late night texts. The ballsey attitude by phone but in person the shy demeanor. Who knows. There were two other guys in the car with him. Two 21 year old which doesn’t make sense. He just should have known better. I’m incredibly sad. For me, for his family, for the business. I can only hope he gets his shit straight. I honestly wish him the best. He had a huge house, was co-owner and president of a well respected busy business. He was hot beyond my understanding. Now he’s probably going to prison for a felony. Wtf man. I just dunno. 

Other than the lack of dating life, though I’m out in full display… I’ve just been busy. Work is nuts. I’m attempting to get stuff done before the snow flies. I feel like I haven’t seen much of my friends except for a fire in my backyard last weekend. I cleaned my house just in time to trash it again. Luckily I actually got my yard decorated for Halloween and I feel pretty good about it. I’ve sold my dresser and replaced it with a vanity. I sold some Halloween decorations that only gave me stress by blowing over or away. My promotion went through, sadly with no back pay as I was hoping but it’s definitely more money which is great. Hopefully I can get my shit together enough to start yoga, loose some weight, find a new dad for my cats, they are my ex’s after all, and maybe have a date for New Years. 

The one thing I can thank my electrician for its giving me enough self esteem and finding self love in order to start the search for love. Maybe I don’t end up with him. Maybe he wasn’t right for me, but the universe still allowed him into my life to boost my spirits and remember that I can bag a hot guy. I’m smart, funny, beautiful, and fun to be around. I’m worth a good guy who can see it. I just have to see the good in him as well.

Hello October

Featured photo: an old desk I’m repurposing into a makeup vanity. 

October 1st was a beautiful day. It started chilly, warmed up with full sun to high 60s and ended on a cold note. But it was fantastic. 

I woke at 6:30 am and procrastinated in bed until almost 9. I thought, coffee first, and attempted to do almost anything to avoid mowing the lawn. I even thought about getting on here to talk about my procrastination skills. Instead I bit the bullet and mowed. My lawn, for a city property is actually pretty big. It takes me about 40 minutes to mow it. That doesn’t include trimming or sweeping or raking, cuz let’s be real, I don’t do any of that. 

After the lawn I wrestled this old, real wood desk out of my house to sand it. I bought it from an online post for $40. Usually I don’t like to paint wood, but it needed some touch up and I wasn’t about to re-stain the whole thing. Lots of sanding and 4 cans of spray paint later it was done. Now I’m under the covers with paint fumes invading my bedroom. I’ve got the window wide open hoping to air out the space but my lungs aren’t too pleased. 

I didn’t do laundry or clean the bathroom. I did clean out the sink but it’s filled with dirty dishes again.  I was planning on eating every meal at home, I talked myself out of take out, I had cooked dinner when a friend asked me out to dinner. So, not one to refuse I covered dinner up in plastic wrap and went out. $30 later I was overly full and my calories were triple what I had prepared for dinner. Fuck, I still have corn on the cob in the microwave. :/ 

My period is late by almost 2 weeks. I know I’m not pregnant but I don’t understand. I’ve gone through the motions. My normal ups and downs of emotions and physical symptoms. I’ve just been waiting and waiting, knowing the minute I don’t wear black undies or back up it will strike. Seriously if you’re a dude you will never understand the fear that you bled through your pants. That you’ll wreck another pair of panties, that you’ll leave a bloodstain on your sheets/blanket/mattress or pillow. It’s damn annoying. 

Ok. I’m going to chug my sleepy time tea. Hopefully pass out then finish up work and decorate my yard for Halloween. I’m seriously behind schedule. Only 30 days til Halloween!!!

Corn Maze!

Featured photo: the corn was so short this year, in my memory of 10 years going to the corn maze, it’s the first time they needed a covering to block your view. 

Today was a day I was waiting for. I hadn’t gone to see IT and our annual corn maze outting. The corn was short, we could see over the blocking they put up and we didn’t bother with the petting barn or hay maze or hay ride. It was nice to be in the sun tho. 

Tomorrow I have a list of to-dos a mile long. We’ll see how far I get through them. I started pulling out makeup to put in my desk. I found so much that I would wear if I had remembered I had it. Go figure. 

It would figure, the Perfect place for the vanity is 1.5″ too small. If I cut off the molding and created a box shape to the desk it Might fit. But I’m not sure that I could make it look good. It’s a tricky thought. 

Tomorrow I also need to start working on a handmade piece of my Halloween costume and a homemade Halloween decoration. That will actually be quite a bit of designing. Fun. 

Ok. I feel like I may have had something profound to say when I started typing but I’m not sure that I do. I guess if I remember I’ll keep you updated. 

Ps. My period app is telling me I’m 8 days late for my period. I know I’m not prego but wtf?

Feeling weird

Featured Photo: my lunch, steamed chicken breast with broccoli and rice. Nothing amazing but it’s what I ate.

I’ve been feeling strange lately. I don’t know if the single life is catching up with me, or if my lack of motivation and general dislike for the disrepair my house/life has fallen into or what. But I don’t like it.

I want a new plate. A fresh slate. A clean house?

Also my body. I need to get back on board.

I joined Tinder and Ok Cupid again. I’m dealing with the fact that subcontractors might see me on there. I’m single, so fucking be it. I’ve already seen a few. Oh well.
I’ve matched with some people on Tinder – but then it goes dead. I wrote 2 people. One replied briefly, then deleted me, the other is no word. No one has messaged me first.
I’ve gotten a few messages from people on Ok Cupid. They’ve written me before. Nothing new, nothing exciting.

So I looked at my finances. I got paid today and decided I needed to start logging my finances. Sure, I’ve got mint – it tracks all my accounts and credit cards and loans. But I need day to day, control my shit and know where I am with my money. So many bills are auto-debited and I don’t really think, you only have $30 for a week before you dig into your savings, and then I somehow spend $180 at Target and my money is gone.

I got paid today and wrote it all down. Bills, bills, bills, more bills, and then I realized, after being super excited at how large my paycheck was, I have $300 for two weeks before my next paycheck. Generally I think, LOOK AT THIS PAYCHECK! but now I know I need to say, look at the money I will have left after these bills are paid. Quite different excitement levels there.
While most of my life, $150 per week would be lovely, I’ve been a super asshole and just eating away $20-30 per meal cuz I’m a slob and can’t plan a simple meal. I’ve been shopping and blowing $50 here and $80 at Ulta on make up I don’t need. Just today I blew $80 on Amazon, two new lip stains, a card organizer – thats for work and will legit be helpful – a set of 6 knobs for the vanity I’m making, and some ladles that look like the Lock Ness Monster when they stand up in the pot. To be fair, my one ladle is metal and rusting. I got it from the thrift store so I think I can accept that I got cute new ladles to replace that one. The new lip stains. No, there’s no reasoning behind the last 7 lip stains I’ve purchased. Now I know too, boo fucking hoo, you make a lot of money and blow it on useless stuff and you’re complaining while the rest of us are starving to death. I know I get it, I’m an asshole. It’s very true, mo money mo problems. How do billionaires live? How could they possibly spend that much money? Lemme tell you, the more money you get the easier it is to spend, just on useless stuff. (Like 4 bottles of lipstain when you already own 8) Note: I am in no way near being a billionaire, or a millionaire or even like a $10,000 aire. I’m just currently making the most money I’ve ever made in my life and its nice.

I’m excited for the vanity. I bought a small desk off someone online, $40. I plan on sanding and painting it and adding a mirror. Then instead of my day to day makeup in a tupperware container  in the bathroom, and makeup lying across the sink counter, I will have a whole desk for my make up. I’ll even be able to see all the makeup I have in the cabinet that I forget I own. Free up room in the cabinets and be able to organize and actually see all my make up – perhaps be able to curb my incessant purchasing of new make up. It’s a hope in the least.

In order to make room for the new vanity, I emptied out an older, uglier dresser I had purchased for my ex while he lived with me, and I donated 5 bags of clothing to the women’s shelter. Now I still need to in fact, get rid of that older dresser. Sigh.

I also eat, eat eat eat eat! So forcing myself to say, spend the money or make yourself something cheap – thats hopefully going to help me rein in my spending and calories. If I can’t shop maybe I can get back to the gym, though that pesky membership is canceled again and I’m not upset.

The other weirdness is wanting the clean slate. I’m super gung ho to throw things out. I just want to go through every drawer and create a trash/donate/organize bins. Why do i need things I don’t wear? Is it really sentimental if I never use it? If I never see it, does it really make me feel good to know I own it? Do I actually even remember I own it?

It’s a long time coming but I think a purge is on its way. Of course I say that and then i get sad. Not for me – for the item, as if I think that it will be upset to be orphaned after I’ve cared for it all this time. I don’t know what’s in store for it. Will it go to the dump? Be cut up and used as a rag? Will it be burned? The horrors!

But of course I need to buck up and say, Hello, its an inanimate object and this is not Toy Story! Sometimes I think that in years from now it will be super cool and retro and awesome if I kept it. I need to get past all this and say, I will be happier without all this crap!

So, as I hate myself for not doing work, and as I wait for my rice, freezer burned broccoli and chicken breast to cook in my rice cooker – seriously it’s so easy and tasty enough (buy a rice cooker with a steamer basket! one meal made with one device. Awesome!), why don’t i do this more often? I sit here and think of all the things I want to do. I’m also eating cheese slices, because its the one edible thing in front of me while I wait for things to cook rather than be handed to me from a drive-through window, not that I’m doing them but I’m thinking about them. Does it count?

Busy

I’ve been so busy with work. Yesterday I was up until 11 pm writing contracts. Today I started work at 7:30 and chatted with a co-worker until 4:30p when another coworker suggested getting dinner. I got noting done. We laughed, we discussed work, it was a good time. I’m now in bed and thinking about the cute boy I met today. Just through work but he was cute. Not hot like the electrician but cute. 

I also heard news about the electrician. When we first reached out to him, my coworker got his vm. It was a girl’s voice. He was in Cancun with his gf. Sooo just before I met him he had a gf. News to me. 

This new guy I’ll see tomorrow but I don’t know if I’ll see him after. I know I’ve seen him on match or tinder before. He’s adorable like a teddy bear. Every time I’d steal glances at him, I noticed he’d look back at me. Cute!

We’ll see if anything comes from it. 

Complaints

I’ll have to backtrack about the weekend but first I wanted to complain. 

This past week I saw photos from the wedding I stood in. I saw a large girl with huge arms and an overly plump face. It was me.  

In the hotel this weekend I saw my large belly flab that I couldn’t suck in or hide under a sweatshirt because it was so warm. At my parents house, I could see in the bathroom mirror when I turned around my bare butt. It wasn’t cute and round. It was flat, wide, bumpy, and had a sad overall look to it. 

On the drive home yesterday I broke it up by listening to two audio books. One about mini habits for weight loss, and the other about how one woman somehow paid off $18,000 of debt in one year with her $33,000 salary. I call bs on that one but I’m a hater and a pessimist. What can I say?

For weight loss it was, eat more Whole Foods, if you need to stuff your face do it with fruits and veggies rather than potato chips and exercise some. For saving money, don’t spend your money on shit you don’t need. 

It wasn’t mind blowing concepts. It was all do-able things. I thought, yes! I need a change! I can do this! Then I got hungry as I was driving and thought about a cheese dog and ice cream from Dairy Queen. Luckily for my waistline they were closed. 

Once I got home I was tired, warm and well tired. I had no food at home so I could shop, order in or order take out. Somehow my brain thought the most expensive option. With soup, appetizers, a large expensive entree too. $50 later I picked it up and stuffed my face while laying on the couch. 

Wtf happened to weight loss and saving money?

As soon as I came home with 3 bags of food I realized how wasteful of money and overly calorie ridden meal I’d consume. But consume it I did, well except for the soup, though I tried to eat it but my belly hurt. 

I went to bed, sluggish with a full belly and empty wallet. I woke up sluggish, bloated, tired still, over all I felt horrible and I knew it was from eating too much shitty food. 

I still had no food in my house, granted I do have oatmeal which I swore I’d start eating. I ate the soup from yesterday for breakfast with my coffee. Yes. I have no self control or self respect. I also did this in bed while I typed an agenda for a meeting. 

Before my 2 pm meeting I went to McDonalds and got a 2 cheeseburger meal because I wanted the large iced tea. I ate the burgers and large fry in 2 seconds while driving. 

After the meeting I stopped at the food co-op. Figured I could buy lettuce for a salad, maybe some items to make a fruit smoothie with the frozen fruit I have. I ended up with some carrot cake and a PB&J sandwich I just devoured. 

But I told myself I’d type out my shame here. Explain to myself why I weigh 250 lbs. and try to find the motivation to even make a mini habit to break my eating and spending habits. 

Good luck to me. 

Rant over. 

It’s been a few

Hmmm. I lost my motivation, fell off the bandwagon, I kinda failed at keeping this updated.

I got back from my trip and got slapped in the face with the life I had waiting for me back home. I got swallowed up by work and fell into a stressed out hole. I’m attempting to reemerge.

What’s happened, jeez since vacation. Hmmm. Let’s go backwards. Today my boss called me and he had requested a promotion for me and I guess it just went through! Comes with a decent salary increase so, yea, whoo!

Last weekend was one of my best friend’s wedding.  It was incredibly small with all married couples except for the groom’s little brother. I didn’t include a date since it was such a small wedding. Luckily I worked my way into conversations and entertained myself. I will say, even though there was no one to flirt with and I was surrounded by married couples discussing married life facts, I wasn’t jealous or bitter or annoyed. I was truly happy for both of them. Later that night a friend saw me out. She told me I looked good, that I genuinely looked happy, I had a glow. I have to admit, I can’t tell you why but I am happy. I’m single, overweight, almost 40, and I’ve got credit card and student loan and all sorts of other debt, but I’m happy. It’s weird to think of but it feels good. The groom’s lil brother told me I was a beautiful woman and then kissed me. I dodged the lips and he only got my cheek. It was awkward but in a way I was still excited someone wanted to kiss me.

The weekend before I went down to Illinois to visit a friend and see John Mayer again! As we were sitting in the seats we had purchased months before, my friend suggested we see how much of a discount front row tickets were going for on stub hub. More than 1/2 price! So we figured with the cost of our original tickets and the new tickets it was still less than the face value of front row tix, so we got them!!! The show was great, we were still far away from him since it was a huge amphitheater stage and we were on the far side while he stayed in the middle. It was still amazing.  

The weekend before that was beer fest. Actually that was the week before the wedding and John Mayer was 3 weekends ago. Well whatever, two friends came up for beer fest. It was a drunken awesomeness per usual. I ran into a ton of people I haven’t seen in forever. 
T hat was pretty much my last month. I spent half a week in Wisconsin and half a week in Illinois. Oh wait the weekend before john Mayer I was in Chicago again, that was pretty much another week out of town. There was a bachlorette party weekend type insanity. 

August I can’t remember but I’m pretty sure it was jam packed with catching up on work. The project we had been working on passed, as in its a real project!

So yea I guess that’s where I am in life. Things are busy but really good. Maybe I can keep up with this update too. We can only hope. Maybe clean my house too, or we shouldn’t get too crazy just yet.