I got through quite a bit of my house cleaning only for my dog to destroy it through the week. He’s been on steroids and every day i cant make it home to let him out for lunch I come home to a pile of poop and peed on carpet.
I lost it by Thursday. There was a broken dish and the cats were walking through the glass. He had peed on a new large rug that I had purchased because he can’t walk on the new flooring that I put down to replace the carpet he destroyed. Just cost after cost of items I’ve replaced because of his destruction.
I cried myself to bed and woke up with puffy eyes and a trashed house. I went to work late, upset with myself.
I know I’ve been depressed. I know its simple to get out of my rut – simply do the things you are procrastinating on. For me its easy – but I understand its not that easy for others. For me I know I want to loose weight, have a clean house, date again, etc. None of these things are out of reach, yet I let myself believe they are. I have my health and the ability to work out. I have a good job and I am able to buy healthy foods. I have the ability to clean and if anything its filthy because I have too many belongings. And finally – I know guys are interested in me. I push them away, I keep my house trashed and keep myself self conscious by being overweight. It sounds silly – but I acknowledge all of it – and when I do that I can lead to healing.
I have a personal trainer appointment tomorrow. It forces me to go to the gym because I’m paying someone to meet me there. To hold me accountable. Yesterday and today I forced myself to put on clothes and walk my dog before doing anything. It was easy and enjoyable and good. It felt good. It made me happy and it was so simple.
Again – in no way am I saying anyone can fix themselves like this – I just know this is what makes me sad and what I ignore but its so easy to do. I just need to do it and the rest will fall in place. If I get outside and walk my dog first thing in the morning it will help him be less destructive. For me I get my blood going – I feel an accomplishment first thing in the day and I get some exercise and fresh air. Next if I continue to exercise I will lose weight and feel sexier. If I feel sexier it will be easier to flirt and acknowledged men like me. The cycle of self esteem will continue to rise.
Same with my house – today I cleaned the living room and OMG. This place looks amazing. I still have more to do but I’m not embarrassed to invite people into my house. Which is good because I am having people over next weekend for pumpkin carving. I hope everyone comes.
So now I need to continue cleaning, actually get a bunch of stuff together to take to the dump and keep this place clean so I can let the sunshine in. Today is the first time I’ve opened the curtains to let in the sunshine. I need to keep that up