It’s Friday after an extremely stressful work week. The answers I wanted solved were not. My office is a war zone worse than usual. Everyone swooped in and out of the work week faster than I could document. Things are still wrong and they just keep piling up.
We had a meeting with the City Manager. He is a jovial guy – he takes his job seriously but also has a fun spirit and tries to keep things light. He has teased me before and knows I’m ok with it. This week however my ex came up. The way it came up with simple and innocent enough but the questions and digging continued.
I was cheated on. I was left for another woman and then he wanted to take me back after she stopped sleeping with him. There was no – I was wrong I apologize – it was just – I’m here and you aren’t with anyone. Why not?
There was mental abuse before all that but I didn’t get into it. Regardless the manager said – well you were prolly better in bed. He said – Average people try harder.
Now I’m just average.
Granted it was a joke and made to be light hearted. I know I’m 100 lbs overweight. I know I’m not the most stylish or fashionable. I don’t flaunt my assets. I think I’m pretty but I’m no super model.
It all just kinda started compiling. I’m average. I’m overweight. I’m alone.
Yesterday while talking with the customer I was bitching, I was ranting. I was calling two guys jackasses because I know I have crushes on both of them and they are ignoring me. The customer made a statement, yea no one he is pushing 40 and still single, because he was prolly burned by a past relationship and treats everyone like that.
I realize he was talking about me now. He wasn’t talking about the guy.
I am. I’m pushing 40, obese with a bad fucking attitute to everyone I meet.
I’m sitting at home for the past two hours trying not to cry and still crying and running mascara down my face though I need to get back to work because I’m losing it.
Sometimes it just piles up and you realize – you keep telling yourself you got this and that’s the exact time it comes crashing down. You cant keep treading water, the waves have gotten too high and you just need some help, just a little bit at least.
This year I’ve been home all summer. I never went to the beach, my house has been the worst shape it’s ever been. I lost 20lbs and its all back, my clothes aren’t fitting again. Things are just bad and I need to open my eyes and realize it. I’m not getting bettter. I’m getting worse and blaming anyone that comes in my path. I’m ready to stop talking to all my friends, I’m ready to write everyone off because they are the problem. But its me. I realize that today,
I’m thankful I have a job that allowed me to come home and cry it out. To give me some privacy and deal with my shit.
I think i might need a therapist. Maybe I need to air out all my laundry and cry to someone. I want to be able to do it all on my own. I just cant. I’m not superwoman and that’s ok. It’s going to be ok. I’m acknowledging it today. That’s seriously the hardest part. It’s hard to say — I can’t. There’s no harm in it, there’s nothing wrong. It’s every bit normal. For some reason though we put a stigma around being less than – but its ok. I’m just human – I’m every bit ok.