He’s back

Yesterday was the day. He had his sentencing and then he was supposed to meet with me about the project in the afternoon.

I got so nervous I was shaking but luckily he was delayed and by the time he showed up I just acted like nothing. He made quite a few cocky remarks; for instance, “I was pissed off when I found out what happened” and his reply? “Yea I was too” with a shit eating grin on his face.

He made comments about bidding a job through jail bars and bidding on a house for $20,000 but he lost the bid. He did say however he got the bid for the job.

I told him there was no more fun. He promised that he would do a good job, he’s a hard worker and a good worker and I would see.

I gazed into his eyes for probably longer than I should have but he held my gaze as well. He looked a little rough around the edges but still handsome as can be.

Today I took the chance and asked him if he wanted to come with me walking through the campground. It was more date-y than not but it was still work related. He asked for a 30 minute warning and when I gave it to him he turned me down. Claiming he was too crabby.

He did say Sorry however.

Just being around him gets me fucking giddy. It makes me want to be a better person and I instantly feel pretty again.

I could be reading into it, I could be only hearing and seeing what I want to see. But I just can’t believe I’m making this all up either.

I want to marry him still. I’ve never been this stupidly attracted to anyone.

I know I can’t put all my eggs in a basket. Especially this one. But god damnit there is something just magnetic about him.

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The crush is back

Photo: my cat snoozing on me.

So, last April I met a subcontractor. We asked him to bid a job and asked his opinion on different projects.

In May we walked sites, talking, laughing, enjoying each other’s company. After what was a huge misunderstanding, I believe he thought I was being ridiculously bold by flirting with him. And while, I was flirting, I just wasn’t being as wildly bold. It was actually just a misunderstanding.

I got a text the next morning- a sext I should say, which is when I was shocked by his boldness. It took me a long time to connect the dots.

I turned him down, only because of the job. The flirting continued. The sexual tension grew. But nothing happened.

Then he went to Milwaukee, and slowly our texts and calls faded into oblivion. His family started taking over for him and it was just said that he was busy.

Soon enough it was in the newspapers. He was arrested for cocain. The more it was discussed, the more it became a horrible story. It wasn’t random. It was explained that he had an addiction for some time.

He went to jail then rehab. His mother gave me more insight. She dropped hints of how he was doing now and again. But soon I felt wrong to ask and there was no more talk.

Suddenly last Tuesday I got an email from his email address. It’s a family business, they all could log into his account. I assumed it was his brother, and called him to leave a voicemail.

When I didn’t hear a response, I emailed back and copied everyone. He kept emailing but I asked him to call me back without a call.

He said to call him at a different number. Insisting I call rather than he. I knew it had to be him.

Finally today I waited until everyone left the office and called him. I had the biggest dumb grin and I was talking in circles. I don’t know what he thought. He will call me tomorrow. He’s still not back in town. His sentencing is Friday- though he thinks it will be ok. It’s still nerve wrecking.

I want to scream from the rooftops that I’ve talked to him. I want to tell my friends but tell them what? It’s nothing. I talked to a criminal that could do prison time and here I am ready to do cartwheels.

I’m not even sure that my boss will let him be back on the project. I’m making a point of it to meet him when my boss won’t around.

I just need to talk about it. He’s the first guy who made me feel smart and beautiful. My ex had beaten down my sense of self. He made me feel ugly, stupid and worthless. It’s so much more than a cute boy who texted me inappropriate things as business associates.

But is it more? Stayed tuned for part 2.

A two for one

I started typing this yesterday but never finished, so today I’ll continue with today’s post.

Yesterday:

It’s a blizzard here, for a period with slim visibility. My house has a draft. My car wiper blades won’t thaw, and work is, as always, busy.

I can’t wake up, no, I won’t get out of bed when I should. I haven’t been able to get through my work emails. I’m attempting to get through December, never mind that it’s already January.

Today I had a salad for lunch and that made me proud. Tonight I ate a steak for dinner. No veggie or starch or fruit, just a steak.I have a poor diet.

Work was good. I have a mini crush on the customer. We seem to enjoy each other’s company. I really enjoy when he makes a point to come in my office and just shoot the shit. We have fun bantering and making lewd comments about both our co-workers. Of course he’s married with children but it’s still fun and harmless to talk.

Today:

The blizzard continues. I fired up the snowblower for the second day. I drove through white out conditions and thanked goodness I didn’t have to drive hours for work.

Tuesday I received an email from the electrician’s email address. Not completely weird considering the entire family had access. They never sign anything so I thought, it’s probably the other son emailing me. I called back asking him to call me. No response. So I sent an email and copied everyone, I got another response and considering the content, I’m almost wondering, is it my electrician? Again there was no signature but there was a different phone number, a 312 area code which I know well, Chicago.

Could it be my electrician, is he back?

Will it be the same? Will I get my dinner? Had he met someone? Was he not interested in me like that?

I just don’t know. I didn’t call back until I was in my car but it was also 5 pm. The voice mail box wasn’t set up. I guess we will see on Monday?

Other than that I made a great smoothie, just fruit and spinach and a cup of yogurt. I may have gotten a sub from Jimmy John’s but I didn’t get chips or pop. Tonight I made another salad, probably too much baked crispy chicken strips but a salad none the less. I’m proud of how much I’m eating at home. I’m hoping the scale will begin to show the results as well.

A day on the road

Last night I couldn’t sleep. I was hungry and anxious. Thinking of returning to work, but traveling suddenly became scary. I thought of car accidents, bad weather, work I hadn’t completed. I tossed and turned, still slightly nauseous and burning then freezing.

I left just after 7 am. I was hungry, and McDonald’s is on the way out of town. I had two cans of sparkling water and a large coffee. I stopped for gas and got a vitamin water, my mouth was still dry. I devoured a sub sandwich after the 4 hour car ride. After an hour and 1/2 meeting/walk through, I was back in the car dying for some more liquid. Somehow I thought Arbys would be good and after a roast beef sandwich, mozzarella sticks and a huge iced tea, I almost felt normal.

Four hours later I was back home. I got soup for dinner, clear brothy noodle soup. I’ve drank another sparkling water, I’ve got some hot tea and I’m about to have another sparkling water in hopes I’ve rehydrated myself after new year’s.

I had ordered a gratitude journal, to list three things you are grateful for each day and summing up each week. A way for me to acknowledge the good of each day instead of the bad. I also ordered a journal that asks questions as a refuge from stress and negativity. Instead of just reading and mindful thoughts, I have to list my own mindfulness.the journals were delivered today.

It’s part of my new year, along with a dream journal.

And here I am explaining my day. Unsure how eventful or exciting it is for anyone else but something for me to unwind, destress, and try to come back into the moment instead of zoning out in front of the tv and allowing days to pass me by.

Though I haven’t eaten well today, I ate out every meal, I did take some time to tidy up slightly. I’ve always believed in baby steps and self awareness as an important step.

This weekend I’ll have 10 guests in my tiny home for a late Christmas/board game night. I’m making a turkey. I need to finish cleaning before then but also commit to yoga on Thursday. Let’s do this.

Resolutions

Time for resolutions and new beginnings. I don’t know if you’re supposed to share your resolutions. I often think that if I say something it won’t come true.I’m going to list it out here regardless.

I didn’t clean my house for the new year.I still have boxes and old newspapers scattered in my living room. Boxes of items to go to the basement or upstairs, but they haven’t been taken there.

I attempted to organize my office and spare bedroom. I meant to organize the closet but a dormant bee was taking a nap in the frozen room so I ran screaming, vowing to call an exterminator. I know I’ve got bees in the attic and before the thaw would be the best time to remove them.

I’ve got clean dishes in the dishwasher, unfolded clothes in the dryer and hampers. I’ve got a strain on the upstairs carpet I planned to clean.I’ve also got a membership for unlimited yoga and haven’t gone once since I paid for it during thanksgiving.

So, a new year, a new beginning.

Stop procrastinating. Stop spending all my time on a screen playing useless games or watching tv. Get out more, accomplish more. Keep a clean house by tidying up the house for 15 minutes before bed. Read the newspaper the day it comes. Pay off my credit cards, starting with making an instant payment when ever I use them along with a monthly payment to pay them down. Go to yoga, make a minimum step goal and reach it. Play with my dog more. Eat more whole foods and less meat. Lose 40 lbs, half of what it would take to get to a “healthy weight”. Go on dates, stop being afraid of dating. Stop day dreaming about marrying every man you meet and being disappointed when it doesn’t happen. Work less, travel more. Make meals at home and eat less take out. Drink less coffee and more water. Make new friends. Worry less…

That’s a good start, hey? Today doesn’t count. It’s new years day. I was hungover and napped the alcohol out of my system. I watched The Grand Budapest Hotel today. It took me 3 attempts before I finished it. It’s a great movie, I was just too hungover to keep starring at the screen before becoming nauseated. 

I attempted a frozen pizza, eating nothing but a bit of crust, pulling off the cheese and toppings and hoping I wouldn’t puke it up. I took a shower thinking I would grab some McDs but the thought of going outside was all too much. Instead I made myself a salad and I was pretty impressed with myself. So making meals at home, eating more whole foods and less meat- day one, woot. I’ll attempt to be more proactive tomorrow… uh oh. That’s already a procrastination. 

Endings and Beginings

Here it is, December 27. I am a horrible blogger. To be fair I would like to blog before bed, but my laptop isn’t the best bedside companion.

I came home from my parents house for Thanksgiving and went a little crazy. I bought a new table for the kitchen, a kitchen nook that I wanted since I moved in. The kitchen is strangely laid out. Not a huge kitchen but not small, just, perhaps the space isn’t used well. While an entire kitchen makeover sounds wonderful – yea, thats not going to happen.

My ex was always opposed to anything I liked or wanted. It wasn’t good enough, it was a waste of money, it was…. lets be fair… not what he wanted or his idea; therefore, no good.

I got my kitchen nook the day before my new Washer and Dryer were delivered. Yes, Black Friday got me with a new washer and dryer set. They are wonderful and I love them. I also haven’t received the bill yet and that will be a doozy.

So the kitchen nook went in and 4 days later my dog had jumped all over it- leaving many scratches and gouges in the perfectly new table and bench set. It’s because this boy, yes a 30 year old man child, decided to be ridiculously kind by shoveling my driveway and deck. Sometimes while I was even at home. Now – yes that was very nice of him. But lets be honest. Its a little creepy when you get a picture of your house texted to you because he wanted to tell you he shoveled around your house. Daily.

I told him not to – you see I am not interested in him whatsoever, and I just know this is a – look what a man I am or something – type of thing. It’s very nice but I’m still not interested in this guy.

When I put it together – the destroyed new table set with the text message – I shoveled your driveway yadda yadda – I about lost my shit. My dog was simply protecting his house – trying to get at the strange person too close to the house. He had no idea that the person was shoveling, and the person shoveling probably thought the dog freaking out at him inside the house was funny. Neither of them realizing the damage that they were doing to my BRAND NEW TABLE!

But – I can buy cushions and use a tablecloth right? Damn it though.

So, since I had bought the house I also wanted a mantle and a fireplace. Obviously I’m not getting a wood burning fireplace and chimney installed in my house but I thought of one of those electric fireplaces would be lovely. Some additional heat in the living room, counter space. Its just my idea of cozy. I discovered that there were “Entertainment centers” with the electric fireplace and I almost lost my crap. I researched for weeks. I decided to change the wall my tv was on, essentially rearranging the whole room – but in order to do that I needed a certain size entertainment center to fit a very specific dimension for the walking space in my room. But also – I’d require the TV to be mounted to the wall. Now for the sake of it – lets not think of money – cuz yea, this is all being financed – Happy New Year – Future me can figure out how to pay for it. Don’t you worry.

I found the entertainment center, I got a new TV on a door buster sale, I got it mounted and now the room is almost set. I have my fireplace, my kitchen nook and my new laundry. Whoo.

Though I should have been off of work, leftover vacation I didn’t use, for 2 weeks by now, today I even sat on my work computer from 9a-2p – completing some training that was due before Jan 1st and sending emails.

I need to finish cleaning. I want a clean house for the New Year and I only have a few more days to do it. Tomorrow is no excuses Thursday – except for Yoga, I’m already a month into a 5 month package and I haven’t gone once.

I also installed a backsplash in the kitchen I’ve been dying for. I only need to seal the grout and I should be done.

So – I’m procrastinating organizing/cleaning by doing something else I never do – blog.

To be fair, I’ve been eating many meals at home – and taking a minute to put my dirty dishes in the dishwasher, throw away the trash before I go to bed. Now I need to finish this organizing and make it more of a habit to continue this grown up tidy normal human behavior unlike the filthy disorderly bum I’ve been. Seriously it is fantastic waking up to a space I can walk through. A kitchen counter that isn’t full of shit.

And who knows, maybe if I find the respect for myself, respect for my house – I can find the respect I need to allow someone else into my home- into my life.

As always, time will tell.

Growing pains

My lower back is hurting. This is nothing new but its a different type of pain, more of a constant ache.

I started going to a chiropractor over a year ago. It did wonders. I used to have this pain in my lower back that prevented me from moving. It would be paralyzing almost- I feared movement, even to roll out of bed because of the shooting pains in my back.

After multiple snap sessions – like 80 zillion, my back was basically new. Now I only go once every two weeks and I’m not sure if the pain is coming back because I’m not going as much or just because I’m not moving. Perhaps both.

I am so sedentary. For a while there I was doing Yoga, going to the gym, walking my dog. Life was grand. Now work is so busy I’m glued to a chair and desk staring at a computer for 12 hours of my day. The time at my parents didn’t help but the increasing pain in my back started a few weeks ago.

Now I fear it may be part of a UTI. And if everything is inflamed in there – I’m sure my back is screaming alongside it.

I have antibiotics that were prescribed for my rosacea but they can be used for UTIs so I’m giving it a go. We’ll see how it goes for a week.

Black Friday was a few days ago. To celebrate I bought some glass tile to finally do my kitchen backsplash. A new cat fountain motor, a treat for my dog and something else that isn’t terribly exciting. None of it was on sale. More so I just ordered what was in my cart on Amazon.

I also ordered a 6 month membership to a local Yoga studio. It was a ridiculously good deal but very expensive none the less. Now I just need to find the time to go and make sure I’m using my pricy unlimited membership

Then I got home and decided F it. I’m going to be an adult and be exciting and go nuts on Black Friday. Though at that point it was Sunday but regardless – I spent $1,400 dollars that I don’t have to spend. Wacky Wild Go Crazy me! Ya, I got a new washer and dryer.

Seriously. I bought a new washer and dryer. But it is exciting. Still boring white but they should be more efficient. Hopefully I won’t fear my dryer catching on fire and burning my house down now. They also have this Steam option that is supposed to get the smell out of clothing. Exciting. Non Smelly clothes. I mean that’s the dream right?

Yea. Wacky Wild Adulthood. It’s almost 10 pm. I’m going to bed cuz my back hurts and I’m tired. Sigh.

This is why I’m single. hah

PS. my neighbor tried to introduce me to a boy. I acted like a jackass and ignored him while attempting to get my dog – I mean, not my fault my dog was being a jackass and not listening to me – but here is my sweet neighbor trying to introduce me and I’m just a jackass… Barg.

A little effort

Today is the day we feast. I visit my family usually once a year. They live six hours away by car – and while that’s not entirely ridiculously far… when you travel for work for your job, sometimes you like to just sit still for a while.

They don’t celebrate many things – no Christmas or Halloween, no Thanksgiving or birthdays. So each year I use my Thanksgiving holiday of a 4 day weekend to come down and bring a turkey and ham and say – Oh boy, look at all this food! Guess we have to call the family over to eat it! They won’t do it on Thursday, any day other than Thursday.

Each year most of the family comply. A little effort on my part and I get a feast and see my family. Except my one sister-in-law and her children. I believe she thinks I’m an ‘evil’ person since I fully partake in Halloween. Like FULLY PARTAKE. Not like I sacrifice sheep or anything but I love skulls and creepy decorations. They however view this as the devil influencing my life. To each their own, but I am sad that I have a very small family, made smaller by religious viewpoints.

Today is the day – the day of Turkey and Ham and family. My parent’s live in an apartment complex that has a ‘clubhouse’. Its open to anyone in the complex. There is a small kitchen, tables, a couch, tv, and computers for general use. Here we can make the Turkey,  and across the way my Mother can make the ham in their oven, then bring it over. I am finally sitting by myself – out of my parents small one bedroom apartment. When I visit I sleep on an air mattress on the floor, in the living room between the couch and the TV. This upsets my father as all he does is sit on the couch and watch TV. Its enjoyable to be able to sit on a couch in this ‘clubhouse’, in a quiet room with no TV. The simple things you miss in life when they are taken away.

I sit here and think of the lack of exercise. The most I get is 2 steps to the bathroom and 2 steps back to a chair where I sit in their apartment. I don’t know this town well enough and there is no sidewalk to just explore. Outside of the complex is the highway. My father is in a wheelchair and doesn’t enjoy leaving the house. Even when he could walk he rarely did. So I think about the grease laden food my mother keeps feeding me. Dripping wet butter on muffins, greasy bacon, greasy eggs, she offered to make me a deli chicken sandwich and asked if I wanted Mayo and butter on the bread. I declined both.

My mother isn’t a bad cook, shes just become use to the disgusting habits of my father and I think she believes this is the norm now. Each day I look at my large thighs and hips, the new stretch marks on top of old ones on my belly and the people on the tv who are stick thin with perfect skin. While I see this I do nothing to change my habits, I sit in the chair and eat the greasy food and look for seconds out of boredom.

I also think about the fact that I haven’t dated anyone in years. YEARS. While it took me a long time to get over the hell my ex put me through – I’m over that. At least enough to start dating. But I look at dating profiles and constantly say none of them are good enough for me, simply based on the way they look or their occupation – but am I even good enough for any of them? Not even IRL but based on the few pictures I put up and the tiny description. Seriously, what right do I have to be on a high horse. I’m so afraid of finding the perfect relationship that I’m too afraid to even try. I guess I tell myself – what if I find someone and fall for them and then my make believe prince finds me?

I mean insanity right? I just need to try to go on a date to date – not to marry – not to have a baby but just to try to “Date”. I’m so confused with the – looking for something real vs – looking for a friend and possibly more. I mean, whats the difference? I understand some people just want to hook up. I don’t want that. But is there a simple – just looking to meet people and see if we click? Is that a thing?

My weight is my weak point. It always will be. I could drop 60 lbs in 40 weeks if I really really tried. Point in fact- – TRIED, effort here is the key missing factor of my life. And even 60 lbs would put me at College weight, which was still overweight. I’m probably closer to 100 lbs overweight but my goal is to lose 60 for happiness.

Effort is needed for friends too. I recently found out the Nutcracker ballet was coming back and asked my friends if they wanted to go. One by one they declined. I thought – maybe I’ll go by myself – refusing to miss out on things because I’m ‘alone’. Finally I made the effort – reached out to a friend of a friend and they accepted immediately! Yea! New Friend!

I need to keep this effort. Effort to exercise, effort to blog more, effort to eat an apple, effort to make friends, effort to give men a chance to be imperfect humans as I know I am,  effort to just DO.

So far I’ve been blogging the few days I’ve been at my parents. Is it boredom, is it my final break in life saying – YOU NEED TO CHANGE!. Is it the fact that I’ve got so much bottled up in my brain I just need a release? Is it that I finally realized I ran out of excuses. I’m not traveling crazy pants anymore. There is no need to eat out every meal. I need to save money hard core and pay off my credit cards and loans but to do that I can’t spend a $500 on eating out each month. It’s time I sit down and have an intervention with myself. But after today. Today is Turkey day and I get to eat all the food I want. Cuz thats what you do on Turkey day. I refuse to be upset as I say – I’ll start on Monday. Effort for Monday.

 

Being single in a sea of married couples

I know I’m not the last single person on the planet but at times it can feel that way. The loneliness isn’t the issue, its having every other coupled human feeling sad for you and reminding you how alone you are. Its getting the fact drilled back at you – you know you could get with this pathetic other loser who is alone and can’t seem to find anyone else to co-mingle with. Gee thanks, but I’m good, PS. you’re an Asshole.

That exact conversation hasn’t happened but I wish at least I could muster the part about calling people out. For instance my friend just got married. She had a ridiculously small wedding, close friends and family. She called me out when she played Single Ladies and said – you’re the ONLY SINGLE LADY HERE. You’re the only one not married so you have to dance to this – its your song!

I know she thought she was being hilarious – but she was being a flaming bitch.

Other friends like to point out how Sad it is that I’ll be spending a Christmas alone – ALONE! Fuck really? Am I alone? Oh Jesus let me get out the noose and find a step stool. Thanks jackass.

Why are married couples so dead set on pointing out the failures of single people? Why can’t people be single, be alone, and happy? Why can’t they just be?

Granted the same friend that is so upset I am alone is also a raging bitch when I talk about people I’m interested in or me thinking about hooking up with someone – but apparently I’m “Too Old” for one night stands. Oh Damn, I didn’t see that one in the rule book on life.

On the other hand – I’ve heard time and time again you are attracted to someone like your parents. It happened in my last relationship.

At first there were several red flags but I was so happy to be in a relationship I didn’t care. I wanted the relationship first and the companion second. I thought if I just brushed them aside that it could work – that things would change or maybe I could just change. Live and learn right?

Things were never great, things were always on the verge of disaster- but there was so much going on in both our lives. I was starting a new chapter in my life – I got the internship I was hoping for and just graduated college. He was coming back to college or err leaving college? I don’t remember. He wanted to go out West and begin his own new beginning. I wanted to stay planted and see what my internship could lead to.

In the end – 5 years down the road – he still wanted a new beginning elsewhere and I still wanted to remain planted. I was still making more money than him, we both had careers but I bought a house, got a dog, was raising his cats, had responsibilities and was 35 wanting to start a family. He was a man child with daddy issues and daydreams that were in the stars.

Things had been bad for years. I would think/talk about leaving him but my friends all said – you have to work, relationships are hard. They would tell me I needed to try harder. I needed to change.

I did change. By the end of our dying relationship -I was a shell of my former self. A weak, spent, overly manipulated shell trying to please everyone but myself. I was so broken I believed my ex when he told me I needed to sell my house and get rid of the cats he left me with, and my dog, because I could never make it on my own.

Granted I had been making it on my own while supporting  him along the way and the bastard had broken my spirit so far that I believed him that I couldn’t survive without him.

Today, as I sat here with my Mom and Dad I realize how my ex was with me is the same as how my Dad treats my Mom. He is mean, never kind, he treats her like dirt yet makes her wait on him hand and foot but also says things to her in a way that makes her feel like she is stupid. He ignores her when he wants but how dare she not be listening and obeying his every word. My Dad is a horrible person to my Mom. My Mom only wants to help, her every fiber in her body is to help you -get you food, get you something to drink, let me take the dog out, do your laundry etc.

I chose to cook, I told her I’d let the dog out – I would be an adult and she was almost sad. Her whole life has simply been as a maid, cook and butler to my father. I saw my own life while I was with my ex as that person. The exact same.

I wish I could take my Mom out of the situation – but I don’t know that she would experience the same joy as I did when I finally realized I was free of a giant leach draining me of money, time, and emotional energy. I love my Dad cuz he is my Dad and at times I dislike him for how shitty he treats my Mother.

It also makes me realize how happy I am to be alone. I know not all people are bad but honestly – its better to be on my own and supporting myself than on my hands and knees pleading for the support of someone else. The statement that I need to “Get yourself a Man” makes me want to punch people in the face. I’m very capable of buying, owning and maintaining a house – which I am doing, without a “Man”. I have a career which is pretty damn good and I dunno what more I could be doing if I had “a Man” in my life. Now a partner, a best friend, a baby daddy even – that could be pretty good – but I don’t need a fucking Man in my life to merely get by.  I’m doing pretty good on my own just being a female.

Hi

It’s been a while huh? Ya.

Halloween was spectacular. Two friends came up from Chicago and everyone got together drama free. We ate dinner then bar hopped in costume. It was great. We had a rainbow, Wayne and Garth, something creepy, Tobias Funke, Sally from Nightmare before Christmas and me -the Babadook. I can’t help but boast – my makeup was on-point. Many people didn’t know who I was but the people who had seen the movie were impressed. I was impressed. Yes- I am tooting my own horn.

Before Thanksgiving my little town was battered by Lake Superior and Category 1 Hurricane force winds. Yep – no hurricane but 70 mph plus winds. The waves on Superior were 30 feet at shore -3 story building tall waves on a lake! There was damage – but even worse, two people were swept away while they got to close to the Lake’s rage while watching the waves. Sad stuff.

Now it’s Thanksgiving. I drove down this morning to visit my family. I’ve got three days to visit family and then another day to drive back before crazy jam packed days at work.

On the way down I listened to a self help book. Written by someone in the FBI – its a guide on how to get people to trust and like you. This could be for work relations – like Sales people. It could be for relationships – friendships or love interests, the former is what I’m mostly interested in.

As I listened to the different ways you can make a person like you –  I realized that a lot of these came into play naturally with the Electron. As much as I try to get him off my mind I just can’t. I listened to a book called Click – an explanation of how people seem to just Click sometimes. That one really just said that when you share something personal, something that is intimate – people tend to trust you. They feel that you trust them enough to be so open, they feel a connection to you. Then you might Click. With this book he talks about all the ways you can create a friendship – generally over time rather than an instant connection. Frequent visits, proximity, compliments, similar interests, etc.

I realize that all of this just came naturally with the Electron. We truly did just click.

I told him how smart he was, how much he knew, a  few times. We both had dogs we adored. We lived around the corner from each other – though we never admitted it – it was just apparent from seeing each other. We both enjoyed boats and camping. He called me multiple times, usually asking some question but it usually came around full circle that he already knew the answer.

None of which was even a thought in my brain – it all just came natural. Now I figure he is in Re-hab with others going through the same situation as him. I can’t compare with that. The proximity is gone, the frequency is gone. Honestly, in his brain it may have all been a drug hazed memory that I even existed. I need to move on – but the proximity to a hot guy with so much in common? Slight to none.

I hope to at least start writing more. I have so much I want to get off my brain but its just whirling around up there.