Almost the work week: day 2/22

Featured photo: a bridge and sky

Today two of my brothers and their wives, my aunt and uncle, and three nephews came over for breakfast. In typical fashion my Dad kept the TV on as we all ate in their small apartment. There was no talking or enjoying each other’s company. Just watching TV in silence. 

Family can be awkward. 

I stayed until 2 pm then began the drive across the State to the office where we will be working on the proposal. I’m here 5 nights total. 

So far the hotel looks really nice. I’m actually tempted to use the pool. Usually traveling for work there are workers around. Being the only female and the boss I prefer not to be anywhere in my swim suit. But here there are only coworkers from the same company. All are married and not interested in staring at my breasts or (hopefully) not making inappropriate comments about my anatomy or brain or lifestyle. 

In my typical fashion I got to the hotel at 5. Decided to nap and woke up at 9:30 to take out my contacts. I then woke myself up, browsed online, started a text convo with a friend for 1 hour and now it’s 1 am. I’m still sleepy, I haven’t gotten any work done and my alarm will go off in 4 hours. Awesome. 

Good luck to me and the next 4 days. Vacation is hopefully starting in 5 days. 

Out of town: Day 1 of 22 

Featured photo: sunset from my parents town

I meant to leave town yesterday. I thought I’d be here for my parents 50th wedding anniversary surprise party. Yup. Fail bus. 

I’ve been exhausted. I’ve been trying to veg out, be a touch social and still get all my work done. I’ve been working 14 hour days. Working on the weekends and I’m still not prepared for this coming week. 

I thought I could go to the chiropractor and see my dentist for a check up then drive to my parents town 7 hours away on Friday. Easy peasey. 

Insert failbus. Like a huge tour bus of fail. You see, in order to leave from the dentist meant my work had to be done. It also meant on Thursday my house would need to be cleaned and I would be packed for a weekend at my parents, a week in the office downstate and 2 weeks of car camping/ possible backpacking in conditions from 40 degree mountains to 100 degree valleys.

Wanna know how I spent my Thursday night? Working until 11 pm at night. Yup. Awesome. 

Friday I was called to research more items, take pictures and measurements, send emails, answer phone calls etc. I decided by 4 pm I needed a nap then I could pack and drive. When I woke up at 6 pm I vetoed driving for fear of falling asleep. Suddenly it was 11 pm and I had time warped into the future somehow just by sitting on the couch. Still not packed, I went to bed.  Geared to wake up in 5 hours. 

Of course I laid in bed longer than I should, I debated on what to pack and how and finally crunch time came and went and in a hurricane action I threw stuff in bags, threw it in my car and without looking back I left. 3 hours later than I should have. 

I arrived 2 hours late to my parents party. So far on night one of 22 nights away from home, I already think I forgot to pack my glasses. MY GLASSSES! I’ve got at least one pair of extra contacts for the next 22 days and i do not have decent vision. I can’t drive, I can barely walk without glasses or contacts. Hopefully I threw them in my other bag and quickly searching in the dark I simply missed them. Otherwise I pray my dog sitter can express mail them to me. Ekk.  Not going to lie, I’m freaking out. 

Also, remember my sexting subcontractor? He texted me at 3 am again. I sent him a follow up text saying it was unfair he only texted after bar close and he needed to invite me out for a drink. He replied a few hours later, You’re right. I’ll make it up. 

We spoke several times on Wednesday and Thursday about work. I could hear him smiling on the other line, I enjoyed how he said Hello & Goodbye with my name. How we started just saying Hey when answering the phone and smiling. I’m smitten. Fully smitten with this boy. Now I have to wait 22 days before we’re even in the same town. 

22 days wondering if he’s sexting someone else at 3 am. If he remembers his promise to make it up to me or that I even exist. 

Arggg. He’s really really adorable. 

Some people say they met someone and instantly knew they were going to marry them. That they were going to pursue them until it happened. Sometimes I think that I think that about everyone. But I want to say that about this guy. He’s the bees knees. 

Sigh. It’s dreamy just thinking about him. 

Two weeks

Featured image: a calm Lake Superior looking innocent as a swimming pool

Oh Boy. Don’t think I’ve given up on you. I’ve thought about posting. I had thoughts to tell you. But I have been pulling 12-14 hour days for work. 

We’re developing a large project and everyone is out of time. I’m still out of time. In the past, well over a month, I’ve only missed 3 days of walking. Today is my 4th though I was active for work. Well, more than normal. 

Things have been exciting and crazy and drunken. I went to Chicago, saw Everclear, went to a German Fest, ran into an old HS friend. I went kayaking. It’s been 85 down to 52 degrees outside. There have been thunder and lighting storms, rain and full sunny days. Whoo, I mean so much!

But I’m still working. It’s 9 pm. I need to take the garbage out cuz I skipped it last week. I also need to do laundry and more work and dishes and pick up the house for the potential new dog sitter tomorrow. 

Oh yea, and more work. 

I have 2 more weeks before I leave for my epic vacation. But 1 more week before I leave my house to strangers for 3 weeks while they pet sit for me. 

Ekk. 

Ok. Back to work. I’ll be sure to try harder to take a minute to post. Especially while on my trip!

sleep schedule

Featured Image: The setting sun reflected on clouds on this soggy Memorial day.

Can you believe its the end of May? I’m getting closer to half way through my year of 37. I think about it every time I get my period – TMI maybe but it’s part of life so deal with it. I realize every time I get my period that its another month that I’ve been alone.

Thankfully, I have been keeping up with my walking. Last night I was playing board games with my friends until 11:30pm. By the time I got home and got ready it was just past midnight when I went on my walk. Technically did I  miss a day? Hell no! I got out at Midnight and still did my mile walk, then tonight at 9 pm I went on a 2.3 mile walk. So I don’t care what time it was – I still did my walks! Today was day 24 in a row.

Today was also a big milestone in me accomplishing goals. I told myself that I would finally vacuum and get out the carpet shampooer and clean all the damn carpets in this place. Memorial Day weekend was scheduled for rain Friday – Monday and it held true. There were weird periods of sunshine followed by downpours. I not only mowed the jungle of a yard during a dry sunny period, but I also cleaned the carpets and by default slightly organized/cleaned my bedroom, guest bedroom, office, and living room. I changed and washed all the bedsheets on my bed and my two guest beds. I washed the dog’s 2 blankets and his dog bed- yes he is spoiled. I emptied container after container and cleared out the carpet cleaner of heaps upon heaps of pet fur sucked from the carpet. It was glorious. Yea, this place was pretty dang gross.

I did think about it during my walks, that on a 3 day holiday weekend and I had planned to clean my house. I got out once, as a 5th wheel for dinner and board games with 2 couples. But at least I got to be social. I still feel good though, better that I take care of my house and get rid of the nagging voice in the back of my head that I have all these things to take care of. I can finally check a bunch off that list. It feels good.

Also I’m leaving in 3 weeks for 1 month. So it’ll be good to have a clean house while I’m gone and the animals can shed all over it for my return. Insert sarcastic tone and annoyed rolling eyes. But still – now I can at least be slightly proud that this place isn’t completely disgusting. It had this winter funk smell that just had to go. I replaced the furnace filter, opened all the windows, and hopefully all that gross fur lying about – well now that its gone – hopefully that will help!

Unfortunately I stayed up late every night and tonight is no different. I’m meeting a contractor and the city at 8 am for a walk through and I have tons of paper work I should do before hand but here it is almost 1 am and Im typing away here rather than sleeping. Sigh, I guess I should try to pass out – yet I’m wide awake.

Well… The other thing I can be happy about – after poor choices the rest of the weekend, today I started the day with a green pepper and spinach omelette, I had some cherries then finally I made BBQ chicken kebabs with green pepper and zucchini, and corn on the cob for a late lunch. Cleaning took most of the night and before I knew it, it was so late and I wasn’t hungry so I skipped dinner.

I know skipping dinner isn’t the best when you want to diet but I legit wasn’t hungry – I had some other snacks, like a yogurt and such. I’m hoping it’s all the fruit and veggies that filled me up but I think just being super busy and a nod to my ever fluctuating hormones helped.

Here’s to a new week, with new challenges – this Friday I’m leaving for Chicago. Driving down for a concert Friday night – which means I need to go on my walk before I leave – early in the morning. Then on Saturday? Will I get it in? I’m staying with friends and going to a street fair – but it shouldn’t be too hard to get away and walk around the block a few times. Sunday I will be driving back. Wish me luck!

Day 21

Featured photo: sunset from yesterday taken from a bridge

I’ve been exhausted. Waking up early, staying up late, sitting through meetings and still walking everyday. 

I thought today was day 20, but it’s day 21. I started walking on May 6. 

Today I weighed myself. I’m 241 lbs. I was 247 and I’m on my period which usually adds a few lbs. 

I haven’t started a diet but I know I should. My hormones and stress have been crazy too. I’ve been cranky and short, over emotional and loud. 

But now the count up for ‘in a row workouts’ and count down for lbs. 

I see my friends. One after another they drop weight and get engaged. It’s not even a joke or elaboration. Legit they dropped weight and got engaged. And yea you’re not supposed to drop weight for a guy but fuck it. It’s a superficial world out there and in order to meet people, there has to be a level of attraction in order to start the conversation. So duck it. I’m gonna lose weight in order to get a man. 

Let’s get at it. 

Bonus post: happiness acquired 

Featured photo: a fountain shaped like a fire hydrant from the hotel

I really struggled today. I knew I would. 

I went to bed late and woke up early. I wore my glasses all day because one eye stung when I attempted to put in my contact lenses. I got super cranky mid day followed by sleepy. 

I haven’t been to the gym since January. Even then, I think I went twice. There is something about going to the gym that I abhor. Something that’s off putting. When I’m there nothing bad happens. Usually I feel good when I’m there, but the thought of going is not pleasant. 

I knew I’d have trouble going to the hotel gym. Walking my dog is easy, you’re doing it for the dog. Half the effort is just holding on while he pulls me forward. Any judgement by strangers is subdued. She’s just walking her dog. 

But walking alone? At night? Speed walking? JUDGEMENT! Going to the gym? What about the way I run? Am I even doing this exercise correctly? JUDGEMENT!!

That’s what’s in my brain. That self doubt. The self loathing telling me I’m too fat, I’ll disgust everyone, I can’t run, I look awful. I’ll be sweating without doing anything. 

I waited until after 10 pm. Then I thought, the gym in the hotel prolly has limited hours, I’ve missed it. My streak has ended. Nope, no such luck. Gym is open. Ok. Get your workout clothes on. Ok, let me check my email, maybe a few solitaire games on my tablet. I’m sleepy maybe I’ll just lay down…

Yes, that all actually happened til I told myself, Day 17!

I got my gym shoes on. Grabbed my John Mayer nalgene full of water and headed to the gym. RELIEF! It was empty!

I got on the treadmill and started a slow walk. After a few minutes I turned it up to a jog. My shins started burning and after a minute and a half I was gasping for breath, sweaty, red faced with burning shins. I slowed to a slow stroll but I kept going. In the course of 30 minutes I repeated that 3 times. I don’t care that I only jogged for a total of 4-6 minutes. I Jogged for 4-6 Minutes! 

Screw the haters! Screw my ex who told me if I didn’t give it 100% all the time I might as well not do anything. That’s WRONG!  And also what got me to 250 lbs. but guess what! 17 days of walking! 17! With 4 minutes of jogging (at least). 

My lungs hurt a lil, my shins are tight, I’m burning up, but every day I’ll get better. And it felt GOOD! 🙂

Here I was talking about my self loathing in my other post, but now I found my joy! Yes, it was JUST 30 minutes of walking. It was JUST a few minutes of a slow jog. But I did it! I didn’t lay in the hotel room making excuses, I did it and I can and will feel proud. 

If I can keep this up, I can lose the weight. This might be my calling. I tried counting calories, I’ve tried diets, I tried 30 days of abs and squats , and none of them were bad but I couldn’t force it in myself. 

I started by walking my dog on Saturday and Sunday. On Monday I thought, this would be day 3. Repeat everyday and here we are, day 17. 

I guarantee if it weren’t for this daily counting game I probably would have never pushed myself. I’ve found something. I can’t cheat at it. I can’t lose it and say screw it I’ll wait for a new week. Nope, everyday. At least 30 min. 

I’ve got a couple friends who slimmed down. They run. They enjoy it. I tell myself every time, that won’t work. You don’t enjoy running. But I’m not running. I’m just walking. 

Baby Steps. 

Exhausted by nothing

Featured photo: more wild flowers from my yard

Friday was my expo I was speaking at. It was announced the night before that 17 people were attending. It was pretty much 17 people who were participating in it. Drag. 

There were speakers about motivation, organization, estate planning… yea uh not exactly construction. 

My part was choppy, unrehearsed and I don’t think I had a main focus or summary. It was emotional and a shit show. 

That’s on me. I didn’t rehearse or even try. 

I spiraled into a pit of self loathing and embarrassment. Why did it hit me so hard? Probably because I knew it was my own fault. I’ve been really procrastinating and I know it’s not good. 

The low I felt from it all was quite the battle wound. Suddenly anything that has been said or emailed to me in the past month came back in a vile attack. A few weeks ago when I was floating on cloud 9; the world was my oyster. Now I was just some gutter slime praying to get washed down the pipe in hopes of a new beginning. 

I spent the weekend on the couch. I forced myself to walk to the farmers market. I didn’t buy anything and I kept my head low and sunglasses on, attempting to not be seen. I walked to a grocery store and ran into friends who wanted to hang out but I declined. 

I went home, cooked, ate, and then the day was done. Sunday was on the couch until 10 pm I forced myself to walk the dog. Day 16 of walking. 

At least I’m pleased with myself about my walks. I’ve got one thing I’m being successful at and I can’t let that go. But where did this instant, crushing depression come from? 

I realized today I’ll be getting my period any minute. That’s still no excuse. I can’t crash into the pavement and lose all hope and joy in my life just from fluctuating hormones. 

Today I’m starting to feel better. Starting to pick myself up and say, Hey! Voice in my head – self loathing and doubt- go fuck your self! There’s nothing to win with those thoughts. 

Tonight I’ll be at a hotel and I have to make sure I get on a treadmill. It’s the one piece I don’t want to disappoint myself in, my walks. 

Only 500 more days until it’s a habit. 😉

spoiled tofu and dehydration

Featured photo: Sunrise from yesterday

Today started off strong but I slowly let go of my grip on anything and just slid down the spiral.

The rain has been a constant lately. The temps have dropped from high 50s to mid 30s. Its bone chilling outside, damp, cold, grey, unhappy. My newly potted flowers and tulips are dying.

I won’t be shy to say I had a nice day-dream solo session … if you catch my drift. A welcoming to the new day, it was really, really good. I haven’t had relations with a man since my ex. I haven’t even kissed anyone except my pillow, in 2 years. I have however, done pretty well with myself. Wink Wink.
I started out wanting anyone, but slowly realized I wanted no one. I wasn’t over my ex, then I was too depressed because of my ex and now I finally couldn’t care less about my ex and I want to meet someone new… but I have this body issue. I’ve never been this heavy and single. I’ve never been over 200 lbs and attempted to date.

Luckily my personality is shining through, or at least I believe it is – that’s not all bad. I used to think it was all doom and gloom. Guys used to ignore me but I’m talking to guys, and cute ones at that. I think my self esteem is getting better!

Soooo… I got to work, dropped off a thumb drive for prints, dropped off my old broken phone at UPS, stopped at Walmart for new wiper blades, stopped at the food co-op and resisted all the temptations to buy a lot of junk but I did get a PBJ sammie, pita chips and humus, other potato chips and some tofu and veggies.

I planned to come home, fry up the tofu and make a rice noodle Thai dish but I was too lazy. Pita chips and humus and a PBJ Sammie for lunch. I came home and did a bit more work and started on my speech. Yes, that speech I’m giving tomorrow. Then I had to pick up my prints, and that gave me the opportunity to go to the bakery. I got a fruit tart, 2 doughnuts and an almond croissant. Yes. Much more than anyone needs. I ate a donut and started on my tofu prep. But the tofu was spoiled! SPOILED TOFU! I’ve been eating tofu for 15-17 years, I’ve never dealt with spoiled tofu. It upset me so much I ate the other donut and fruit tart, more chips, more humus, more pita chips and I ordered a noodle dish and sushi and a smoothie. Then I ate it all.

My stomach is aching and all I want to do is fall sleep. I feel a little woozy actually. This is what I do when I’m stressed or depressed. I realize I haven’t been drinking water for the past couple days. That makes a lot of sense. No water, feeling overly hungry and not be satisfied.

All I want to do is sit in a hot bath to get rid of the bone deep chill from today but I’m telling myself I must have my walk first. Then I have to practice my speech and make note cards. Then I could take a bath but I should have a full nights sleep because tomorrow the conference is all day long and my speech isn’t until 2 pm.

Well wish me luck. I need to drink more water. I need to think before I eat and I need to keep up with my exercise. Sigh.

Day 12

Featured Photo: a rainbow through the fog and clouds this morning

Today wasn’t specifically a tough day. I woke up early, begrudgingly, to hop in the car and drive 2 hours for a 1/2 hour meeting. After that I got back in the car and drove back another 2 hours. It was rainy, my wipers need to be replaced and one deer crossed the road. Thankfully uneventful.

I started off my day with junk food, I over ate for lunch and decided a yogurt and apple would be a sufficient dinner. After lunch I acquired a migraine. I have a food intolerance to Onions and Garlic and I know the black beans are cooked in onions. I just love them so… but not today. I took some Excedrin and a nap and woke up in time to run out the door and to a meeting at an Engineer’s Office. Luckily I noticed the smear of my right eye’s makeup just before I left my car. Great.

The meeting lasted an hour – I came home and punched out some work and started attempting to back up my phone just to kickstart my replacement warranty phone. Easy? Yea maybe but… 3 hours later it was finally complete. Granted to get into all my apps it means attempting to remember my passwords. At least everything is there.

Today was foggy and cloudy all day with heavy downpours, light sprinkles and just for a minute, a break in the wetness. It really started pouring buckets around 6 pm or so. I debated going to the gym or walking in a deluge. By 10 pm my phone had been synced, I had read through the speech I’m giving in 2 days and realized I need to alter it quite a bit, and I thought – now. The rain had calmed down, it was 10 pm and daylight had left me but I could still go. I grabbed my new rain jacket trench which I was excited to try out and the dog and we started power walking. I was feeling really good about it when I was about halfway through our journey and the sky turned on the spigots. It was a gradual increase from sprinkling to showering to down right pouring water from above. Even my water-loving Lab was not impressed.

The power walking increased slightly and I was about to debate on a light jog when my dog and I noticed the skunk crossing the bridge, looking just as frantic as us to get out of the rain. Of course my dog wanted to meet his new BFF and I wanted none of that. Sorry friend, no friends today!!!

I yanked my dog forward and I took off in a sprint. My shoes and pant legs are soaked but the rest of my body is happily dry. The dog was dripping wet but he enjoyed our towel off petting session. My shins are aching but I officially completed my fastest minute mile so far – 18 min/mile. Yea, yea maybe you do an 8 min mile and that’s wonderful but this fat girl is excited. And let’s be fair – I was just walking the dog with a few sniffing stops and one poop.

12 days straight. I wasn’t about to trip up just yet. Lets get onto unlucky 13 🙂

 

Walk walk walk

Featured photo: tiny wild flowers in my yard 

Today I was bad. I went to Starbucks for breakfast and in two bites consumed my days worth of points. Did I mention I’m on weighwatchers? I haven’t been logging, mostly because I know I’m not eating right. 

But the more active you are, the more you can sub for snacks. And this week I’ve been active! I logged 74 activity points this week. I’m supposed to get 35 and Ive always struggled, but 74!! On the other hand I ate 107 points today. I’m only supposed to consume 38. 

Weigh in day should have been today but I’m planning for tomorrow. I did my walk. My calves are starting to ache. I’m pushing them and I love it. 

Now just to get through this week and edit my speech.  I’m giving a speech on Friday!!!