Procrastination and fear

I read an article about self inflicted anxiety over procrastination. You put something off. By avoiding it you have relief but each day you continue, the anxiety grows. The temporary relief makes it appear worth while but it’s not. Sometimes snowballing into worse issues.

He makes a valid point by saying you initially avoid something due to fear.

I thought about my own procrastination. Weight loss. I know how. Stop being lazy. Get moving. Eat better and less.

I don’t do it. Why? I take comfort in food. I also take comfort in blaming my weight for being unhappy, single and what have you.

Cleaning my house. Every time I organize my house. Pick things off the floor, clean the counter, organize something, I feel wonderful. Why do t I keep this up? Is it because I can’t invite people in if it’s a mess? I can’t have boys over, I will have time to go out rather than the excuses I use now to stay home?

Why? Why do I fear having a life? It’s a sick cycle. I need to beak it.


Diets and cleaning

I refused to clean my house for my overnight guests last weekend. I attempted to bring someone home despite the mess. What’s going on here?

This weekend I slugged most of the weekend away. Giddily excited that I spoke to my crush but not excited enough to share any real news. I canceled yoga but actually got a hair cut. Will wonders ever cease?

I pseudo cleaned. Throwing things away, vacuuming and swiffering the floor. I made a mess of my kitchen counter but hey, the living room almost looks livable.

The diet was off the charts. All I wanted was to eat eat eat while picturing sun dresses and sunshine. I bought plane tickets to go to New Jersey. Princeton to be exact, in 2 months. Technically 3 months I guess. If I could drop 20 lbs in that time – I mean, could you imagine? I’d feel like I would be on top of the world. Instead I eat and eat and eat.

I bought salad and some veggies. Here’s to hoping I eat them. The more I eat the Nutrisystem dinners the more I dislike them. I’m thinking of quoting the auto purchase. Maybe still order breakfast and lunch. But the dinner options are just gross.

I’m hoping I can clean and keep the house clean. I’m hoping I might get that fun membership and really start working. I’m hoping I’ll find a cute guy and things will happen. I gotta stop relying on hope. It’s gotten my no where in the last decade.

March 2nd

I told myself on March 1st that it was a new month. A good time to focus on the diet. Then the option of getting bbq ribs for dinner happened and suddenly nothing else mattered.

Today I thought, it’s Friday! My manager left this morning and the Water guy was leaving by 3 pm. No dinners out and I could skip eating lunch with them. Well, the water guys flight was canceled. So we got steak for dinner.

Somehow my calories in weren’t super extreme. Mostly because I had only eaten 500 calories by dinner time. Leaving room for 1500 cal dinners.

My new month of frozen foods came along with some snacks and shakes I bought.

My weight is back up to 245, only 3 lbs down essentially in 3 weeks. Granted it’s been a busy 3 weeks with most days eating out.

Tomorrow I’ve already scheduled yoga. I’ve got a plan to clean the house and be ready for company. Though I have no company planned, I’d like to be ready for anything.

Taking a chance and a taco

I’ve been single for years. Read that, years.

I’ve been depressed, full of anxiety and excuses. Lately though, my depression seems to have holes through it, like a moth-hole ridden sweater. The sun shines through and my confidence has risen. I walk around imagining guys staring at my ass or stealing peaks at my breasts. I look in the mirror and the vision of my younger, skinner self is met with the obese, while curvy, chunky, awkward body that is reality.

I’ve attracted guys lately, maybe for longer but it’s hard to acknowledge sometimes. Do they see my curves, red lips, blonde hair and confidence as a turn on? I don’t know but something is there and it’s still working. Not as hard as it use to but it’s there. I don’t really get it. I imagine they see me as skinny but I look in the mirror and wonder, what are they seeing? Let’s be honest, while more “plus size” models are getting coverage, they still have a label. There’s still TV shows with waifs of women but a show with an obese woman is comedy relief or plays the role of sad, fat girl. There’s no overly confident obese girl who has it all in the dating world. It’s still labeled a comedy if it is out there.

That self doubt is courtesy of my married friends who hint that I’ve gained too much weight and my ex, basically everything about me couldn’t attract a guy, or him for that matter. I surround myself with lovely people. (That was sarcasm)

First there was electron telling me I was smart and beautiful. Granted all he ever asked was to sleep with me. He promised me a date but we never got that far. This year there was the Canadian sales person from my regional meeting. Hot, well dressed, tall, smothering me with compliments, seeking me out, buying me drinks, asking me to go out dancing with him… I found out later he was married with a small child soooo hmmm. Next we have the finance corporate guy from my company. While I was obviously swept up with the tall Canadian, he stayed later than anyone else, talking about life, our jobs then took me to get a taco. The taco shop was closed, as it was 2 am and we went to our respected homes/hotel. Granted with that he was asking me questions around my job and what I could do to benefit his job. Hmmm

Ok. Perhaps these guys aren’t great examples. Obviously I’m still single and none have actually led to a date or a boyfriend. Is it me though? Electron I told no, though I wanted to say yes badly, mostly because I was intimidated but also because of my job. With him I left it very open, I appreciated the offer but had to turn him down. The Canadian, I wanted to go dancing with him but I had pulled a muscle in my leg and was limping badly. I couldn’t dance. I was thankful Finance guy was there. And Finance guy, well, he lives in Milwaukee. I was only there for that night.

Now, long story short, this finance guy. He’s younger than me, typical good looking mid-western guy, nothing over the top amazing but he is cute; he deals with people above me. I report to them, they report to him, he reports up the chain to someone else. So he’s not my boss or supervisor at all. He just crunches numbers to report to stock holders or whomever. My job, one of a zillion across the US and Canada; well since he met me, any extra dollars I pull in, he has sent an email thanking me. This is not typical. As, the report doesn’t come from me. It comes from my boss, Finance guy just knows it’s my project because we’ve talked about it.

So this month, only the second month since we met, I decide to flirt back. I sent him an email saying I’m still waiting for a taco, (remember we went to grab a taco but the place was closed). It’s not even technically flirting is it? It’s just asking for a taco. I meant it as flirting, but text is all in the way you read it as to the actual inflection that someone intended with it. I wavered for a minute before sending. Could it be harassment, could it be inappropriate, should I not email corporate? Should I steer clear of inter-company… what? What does/could it mean that I’m waiting for a taco. Some sort of sexual innuendo?

Here I am. Putting my career over flirting, or even just initiating friendship or merely the discussion of lunch? I don’t know. Overthinking what rights I have or the lack there of in a man’s work force. Would I be so intimidated in any other career? I dunno. But I work with nothing but men. All of my superiors, anyone up the ladder that I deal with, all men. For that matter almost all people down the ladder from me are men too. In my region I am the only female in my position, in North America there may be 7-10 females in my role compared to 150+ men. I’m assuming these stats but I know in all of Canada there are 3 females in my role.

The only place I meet guys are through work. I’ve always kept this arms distance, flirt then flee. Don’t be caught being human. Live, sweat, cry, loose hair, gain weight and stress the fuck out for your job but lord forbid, find happiness. So, with a confident push of my buttonless phone I hit send on the two sentence email and waited.

I didn’t wait long. My supervisor told me, Mike is visiting the job next week with Gary. My jaw dropped, What?! I brought it up a few times. How? Why? That wasn’t his role. He didn’t visit projects. He crunches numbers at corporate. While I went through in my head the outfits I might wear while he visited and weather or not I should be vigilant about cleaning my house for a sleepover… do you think it would go there? Gosh I don’t know… I got an email back, “That’s Fair! We will have to address that at some point.” Not flirty, or harmful. Just tacos. In the most corporate, politically correct way ever.

We called Gary who said he had word from Mike that he couldn’t come up. Hmmph.

But, there it was. A simple harmless email about tacos. Each of us only wrote two sentences and I was giddy all day.

It’s nothing really. I eat meals with work people when they visit, often. I don’t generally hang out one on one after drinking at 2 am but, it seemed harmless.

I think the point is, I took a chance. A chance I overthought, I debated, I weighed, I finally said fuck it and did. It was two sentences and neither were shocking. But I did it. I got a pleasant, positive, though possibly a interminable response.

These are the things you celebrate when you believe you are incapable of being more than single. Even a date can seem like a fluke. Online dating is a constant let down when you aren’t as attractive as they may have believed you to be. There’s always a hotter picture someone else has out there to ponder over.

So, with another 4 days of failed diet, my friends in town and then a work trip and work people in town, I need to remember this feeling. Remember the urgency of cleaning my house. The motivation to drop some pounds, for health, clothing fitting and yes, for attractiveness.

This is where I’m at. A sun ray of light shining into my shaded room of self doubt, with a simple sentence about a taco.

Values in dating

I realize there are supposed to be things you look for in a partner.

Common interests, attractiveness, do they want children, etc. for some time I’ve been solely basing my judgement on attractiveness and if they like me, throwing out the rest.

This weekend opened my eyes to another layer, passion. Not passion for love, passion in a relationship or how passionate they are about me, but more so, passionate about life, their goals and work.

I’m very passionate about my job/career. I’ve struggled , cried, fought, and really gone through battle with my education and Career. I’ve lost a relationship over it, I’m sure I’ve taken years off my life, it’s been no easy feat. I’ve been degraded, I’ve been told to give up, that I would fail and it’s only made me want it more. It’s that sick relationship of time and effort and refusing to quit even if it’s not good for you.

My job has given me financial ease, it’s given me great praise and pride. It’s not all bad, and I refuse to have someone else come along and drag me down out of spite, jealousy, or lack of pride in their own career. That’s my issue. Finding a man in this small town area that not only likes his career but takes pride in it. Most people find a job that pays the bills and sticks with it. Mostly despising their choice but feeling that it pays too much to leave it. The few dates I’ve gone on, the men hated their career choice but felt stuck. My ex, put me down more than anyone else, telling me anyone could do my job, that I was worthless and might as well quit. He was obviously a horrible person, I know that, but I cannot have that happen to me again. I cannot be with someone that is upset about me being the breadwinner or making more or being successful or fighting for a career and succeeding at it. He was a teacher and instead of taking pride in a valuable yet underpaid career, he took it out on me and only saw the dollars I was making compared to him. In the end he also felt that since I made more I would pay for everything for him. No. I still want to be taken out to dinner. I refuse to not be given a Christmas or Birthday gift because I could just buy it myself. Yes yes I know- this guy was the worst of the worst- but after 5 years of thinking we were in love; I was the person saying, I’ve put this much time and effort in, maybe I can’t do better. I can’t let that happen again.

The guy from this weekend boasted about his job at a deli counter at a grocery store, and thats excellent that you take pride in that, but never bothered to ask what I do. In fact he cut me off to continue talking about his job to me.

I refuse to not be acknowledged by a possible suitor. My friends made fun of me that I was upset he never asked me about my career… maybe that’s normal, maybe that’s them being assholes, I don’t care this time.

My next boyfriend will acknowledge that I’ve worked hard to be successful. I want them to be proud of me just as I want to be of them. I want us to encourage each other to gain more success and truly understand each other when we have a bad day.

I need someone with the same motivation as me, the same passion and drive and empathy when shit goes bad.

That’s why I’m obsessed with electron. He’s attractive and lives to work rather than works to live. It’s not the best life. It’s not an easy life. And in the end, what do you have? A life spent slaving away for someone else. But some of us are just built that way.

I’ve found the value that was missing… now I just need to figure out how to find it.

A drunken attempt

Featured photo: an outhouse from the Trenary Outhouse Classic.

The Outhouse Classic is a race in which people build an outhouse, mandatory to be on skis and have a toilet seat, and race it down the Main Street of a tiny town called Trenary.

Every year my friends and I travel to this tiny town to watch the race. A track is built of snow down the street and people line up, generally drink in hand to cheer the racers as they push their creations along the track.

This year I worried that I would get instantly drunk due to my diet. I haven’t been eating as much or drinking for that matter. It was a solid fear as I instantly became hammered and nothing else mattered.

My friend was talking to a guy who had Whiskey in a can. It was tasty and tasted like Brandy. Fast forward hours later and apparently I not only told the guy to come home with me, I told my friend, who was staying with me, I was going to have sex with him but she would have to go upstairs. This is not me. This guy wasn’t attractive, he wasn’t my type, he wasn’t outstandingly intelligent or anything that I’d be attracted to. I think he was just there.

My crush had texted me that morning, he had sent me an email saying he’d be up this weekend. I asked if we could meet on Monday. Then Saturday he told me a road was closed due to weather. He couldn’t travel up here. We texted a few times then I sent him a video saying it’s what he was missing by moving further away. I had him on the brain and wanted to take him home. So the next best thing was a guy paying attention to me right?

I was wrong. This guy was more and more of a dud as the day went on. He lives about 30 minutes away and canceled his ride to go with us. I didn’t realize he’d have no way back home. He then stayed with us. From 1p – 12:30p the next day when I told him he would have to get someone to pick him up.

It was awkward and weird. He never made a move either which I appreciated but also was like, what’s the point?

He told me over and over again about his job but never bothered to ask me about mine. He admitted to living with his parents, I own my own home. Im 38, he’s 28. I’m not trying to be a bitch by putting others down on their career choice or anything but I’d like to at least find someone that has the same drive and amount of passion as I do.

He slept on the couch and I was thankful I sobered up enough to know not to sleep with him. I still only want my crush but I at least attempted to expand my horizons.

Now I really need to know, is my crush an option or ami really throwing myself out there?

Diet day 10

I realize yesterday my title was Day 8. I had completed 8 days but today is actually day 10.

It’s 4:52 pm and I’m existing on 500 calories. I usually eat more for just breakfast. I’m not attempting to be this strict. I’ve just been so insanely busy that I haven’t eaten much. Feast or famine, I swear.

Work is extremely busy, stressful and busy. Im currently managing a 28 million dollar project and attempting to complete a 5 million State job, in another State. It’s the most work and different type of work I’ve ever done and sometimes I feel like I’m barely keeping my head above water. Eating is my release, my friend, my confidant. It tells no one if I eat two meals plus dessert. It can be with me at most times. It travels with me- that is I pick up fast food and eat it in the car.

Now I’m learning portion size. When I saw the snack size portions I thought, wtf is this? I’m slowly realizing this is normal. I would eat 2 huge chicken breasts and not think twice because I didn’t add anything to it. Now I eat a trail bar and 2 cups of veggies and realize it’s all I need. It’s kind of a bizarre concept compared to a 2 cheese burger meal with Extra large fries and still being hungry.

You really have to live it to experience it and the motivation to stick to it is really the biggest hurdle. Hearing someone say, I just was too busy to eat enough usually makes me want to punch people in the face. I’m sorry if it’s my imaginary face you want to punch while reading this. It’s only day 10. Check back and see if I’m still feeling it on day 30. They say habits form after 30 days. Time will tell.

Ps. My current weight loss goal is 28 lbs, after that 20 more and if possible another 20 and then another 20. My ideal weight (for me) is 160lbs. That would be a total of 88 lbs to loose. Currently I’d be pumped as shit to get to 200, but 180 would be even sweeter. In the past 7 years the best I’ve done is 26lbs before I faltered. I’ll do better this time. 🙂

Diet day 8

It’s a fucked up thing, standing on the scale. Last week I dined out 5 days. Logging my meals I’ve gone as low as 1200 calories and as high as 3500 calories. I’m very inactive and my weight fluctuates between 238-248.

I started at 248 lbs. Granted I’m sure I’ve been bloated as I’m horrible about hydration and I don’t eat many veggies or fruits typically. I’m also on girl times which can cause a weight fluctuation. Even so I’m down 6 lbs somehow. It’s a huge exciting thing to see! Until I’m over a month in and over 10lbs down I won’t celebrate too much. 6 lbs in 8 days! No wonder I’m so tired. My body had no idea how to deal with this new diet!

Understanding the diet

Featured photo: my non-refrigerated lunch

I stopped cooking after my ex left. Maybe before, I can’t remember. I became the take-out queen or I’d prepare quick heat up meals meant for 3-4 people. I might make a tasty pizza and eat the entire thing. I’d get take-out swearing I’d order 2 meals, thinking I’d eat one for another meal- no I ate both for one meal.

I knew portion control was my issue. I also knew the type of foods I was eating was an issue. It was rare if I ate veggies or fruit.

Somehow today I’ve gotten 2 fruits and 3 servings of veggies in today. It was actually a lot of food. I realize the portions I’ve been most upset with on this diet, it’s just the main player. I need to fill the rest of my plate with veggies!

I almost had too much food to eat today. If I can get a habit of eating smaller portions and more veggies, I have to lose weight, right?

I’ve been tracking my calories, I’ve gone from over 3,000 calories to just over 1,000 calories. 1,000 calories!

I really hope something happens. I’m excited to gain a habit regarding potion control. It should really help with saving money, less food to eat? Less eating out. Pretty excited to keep it going. Now will I join that gym again?

Birthdays and diets

Featured photo: the amount of granola I can eat for breakfast. And no, this isn’t an oversized bowl.

I’m officially 38, as of yesterday but whatevs. I wasn’t carded last night but I told the bartender it was my bday and he asked how old. I said 38 and he made me give him my ID to prove it. The look of shock on his face made me feel good enough.

On to the diet!

Yesterday I stayed home and tried to eat my Nutrisystem diet. The food has all been tasty, and mostly filling. But yesterday I started my period and let’s be real, I could eat for days. Also it was my birthday.

Technically the diet was supposed to start 7 days ago. But work and dining out and drinking… I’m not good at dieting obviously. I’d like to think I at least saved some calories with the pre-made breakfast rather than eating that meal out too!

Yesterday I saw it was the last day of a seafood sale and I bought myself a lobster tail and some shrimp. I also made some homemade hummus. I stuffed myself for dinner and had 3 sweet cocktails last night.

Today is my first day of official diet, the first time I’ll try one of the pre-made dinners. I bought a bunch of veggies as I’m required to eat 4 servings per day, which is typically 4 more than I eat a day. I thought to eat the least filling or foods I think I might not enjoy as much, to eat on the weekend. Today was granola and I was allowed 1/2 c of fat free milk. Instead I bought 2%. If you see the photo, I’m used to filling this bowl with cereal. This looks more like a dusting in the bowl. How will these portion sizes fill me up? It’s a total new way I need to think, eat to live not live to eat. That’s a tough one.

Part of me thinks I should follow the diet exactly and start dropping weight, stop making excuses. Part of me thinks baby steps because poor habits never die. Let’s see how today goes. I need to read more about the program. The first week is far more strict- which is more so going to happen this week instead. The program says you might not see the same weight loss results if you mix things up. My hope is for steady and slow. 1-2 lbs per week.

Here we go